The Three Stooges

So today I did something I never did before.

I used a “Redbox” because I was curious as to their stock. Frankly I was confused by it. Some of the movies in the one I went to were still there from like January. That stuff is old. Not productive to a box without any personality or pizazz. So I picked one of the few movies they had that were relatively new and available. The Three Stooges it is!

Kate Upton
This movie is rated PG, for potential groping.

In this movie, the humble beginnings of Larry (Sean Hayes), Moe (Chris Diamantopoulos), and Curly (Will Sasso) began by being dropped off at an orphanage. Even had the same creepy hair. Mother Superior (Jane Lynch) took them in and they were all happy. But by 10 years later, they were a complete mess. Good natured, but a mess, accident prone, and annoying.

But when a rich lawyer Mr. Harter (Stephen Collins) comes in to adopt a boy, the nuns trick him into taking Moe. But Moe would really like it if they adopted his two best pals too. Knowing how much his friends meant to him, they went back to the orphanage…and chose a new kid Tedd (Kirby Heyborne). Many years later they are still at the orphanage (eh) but adults. And the orphanage is closing! They need $830,000 in a month or else it is gone, and the kids go to foster homes. So the trio set off to raise the money in no time, much to the appreciation (mostly that they are leaving) of the nuns (Kate Upton, Larry David, Jennifer Hudson).

Well shit doesn’t go so well, but eventually a mysterious woman Lydia (Sofia Vergara) offers them the exact price they need, in exchange for the murder of her husband. She tries to trick them into thinking her husband agrees with it, with the help of Mac (Craig Bierko) the secret lover, but still something is fishy.

So while getting to the bottom of the mess, some more hijinks ensue, including Moe becoming a cast member of The Jersey Shore. Yes, so you get to see all of them in this movie too, a lot. But the good news is, we also get the Old Spice guy, Isaiah Mustafa, as an agent. Which sucks for his future career work, but hey at least he has a job.

Well, at least they got each other. That is all that really matters.

So you know what? I don’t even know what to say. Obviously we all know why they made this movie. Because originality is hard, and bringing back old things is not. They have an already set fan base of potential people who would watch, along with the fans families to introduce the old subject to their kids in a new way. No kid really likes to watch old black and white things.

Aside from that, and the more subtle adult jokes that kids won’t be able to kid, really all it is is a heavily slapstick movie, with a silly murder plot that never once seems serious. So probably entirely appropriate for a three stooges movie. But just because something once was loved, doesn’t mean it rehashed later still will be.

Things change, including comedy, and well, if they were alive I don’t think they’d like this movie version of themselves. Also this movie totally ended with a PSA from the brothers who made it saying violence is bad, and the props were all fake. Good going, I guess.

1 out of 4.

The Bucket List

The Bucket List, if anything, did have a lot of people talking about it. Most of which I doubt who saw it. I mean, why would you need to? You know exactly what happens in this movie from the title. Two old guys, living their last months to the fullest (somehow) and then probably dying. Both probably have some sort of family problem.

You know all of that, because the movie isn’t about surprises or the best plot, just one of those heartwarming tales that might make your cry or feel good.

That’s why it has took me til now to watch it. Really no need, but hey, I had to watch it eventually. Not because of a lame joke about needing to watch it before I died, just because I owned it and needed to watch it.

Before I died. >.>

Unrelated Orange4
Unrelated Orange picture? Or the rage you feel right now as I babble?

Blah Blah Blah. Morgan Freeman is an old man, mechanic, pretty smart because he reads a lot. Has a wife, Beverly Todd, has faith, and has a big family. But then he gets a terminal illness. Jack Nicholson, uber rich guy gets put in his room, also with cancer. Sharing rooms?! Yes, because he was a mean hospital owner and said each room needs two beds, to maximize efficiency and make more money. So when he finally gets sick and wants his own room, his assistant, Sean Hayes, won’t let him, as it’d be a horrible PR move.

Chemo happens, it sucks. And eventually they bond. Jack see’s Morgan’s bucket list, full of ridiculous items, like being President, and tells him they should both do it. Leave his family, travel the world, money is no option, fuck the metaphors. And eventually he says sure. Skydiving, racing, Great Wall Of China, Pyramids, etc.

But how far will Morgan go to experience life to the fullest? A man who has only been with one woman, who he has left her behind to see the world? Also, will Jack be less of a dick, and visit his family for once in his life? I think you know the answer to both of them.

Bucket List
Chances of green screens being involved? Pretty high.

But was I entertained is the bigger question?

Ehh not really. Morgan Freeman’s character made a good argument why he should get the chance to do whatever he wants before he ends his life, which he seems to have gotten chastised for by everyone for doing it. Bitches, please. Even Freeman’s acting I thought was just okay. But Jack Nicholson had a much more powerful character to me, and thought he did a lot better.

He was also the only character we got to see keeling over in cancer pain. Correlation?

But yeah, this movie did absolutely nothing to me, and despite the fact that people will still make a lot more bucket list references for the next few years, I will never see it again.

1 out of 4.