Tag: Rodrigo Santoro

I don’t inherently hate remakes. There should be a reason for them though. Maybe technology has advanced to tell the story in a better way. Maybe the original copies are crap. Maybe the original films are crap. Maybe there is a good way to do a modern update. Just have a reason. A scene for scene remake usually feels like a waste of time.

When people heard about the Ben-Hur remake, they went ballistic. And it is hard to blame them. It should be noted that the “original” Ben-Hur was actually a remake itself. That’s right, we got Ben-Hur: A Tale of the Christ in 1929! But the reason it was remade is because they wanted to go balls to the wall crazy with it. The director William Wyler wanted authenticity, real chariot scenes, and shit, they got Charlton Heston!

It is a technological epic film that is still watched and enjoyed today. So yes, there seems little reason to remake it outside of a potential cash grab, which is what the studio was hoping for with an over $100 million budget.

They really just wanted to nail the chariot scenes. That would have made it ideal.

Judah Ben-Hur (Jack Huston) has a ridiculous name, but hey, he is made up so it is okay I guess. He is Jewish and a prince, and his family is awesome. They adopted a Roman boy too into their family, Messala (Toby Kebbell), about the same age and they are great friends. They chariot race and all that shit. The mother is played by Ayelet Zurer, and sister by Sofia Black-D’Elia. Messala feels weird though and leaves the family to join the Roman army, while Judah decides to marry a slave (Nazanin Boniadi).

Years later he returns, a great soldier now and Judah wants him to be an informant. A lot of people hate the Roman rule now in Jerusalem and want to rise up. He lets Judah know that a new governor, Pontius Pilate (Pilou Asbæk) is on the way. And when he shows up, a guy Dismas (Moises Arias) tries to kill him and fails.

This causes their palace to get overrun and Judah takes the fall for Dismas. His mom and sister are crucified, and Judah is sent to be on a ship to be a rower in the wars. Fuck. Also he meets Jesus (Rodrigo Santoro) when getting walked and whipped down the street. Needless to say, the brothers get mad at each other, a lot more shit happens, and some people get hurt in the process.

Also starring Morgan Freeman, Marwan Kenzari, and James Cosmo.

Et tu, Morgan Freeman?

Eyuuch. Oh man. There is bad, and then there is this Ben-Hur remake. This film tried to recreate an epic, but in a modern way. And despite going for an epic, it made it only 2 hours long to tell the same story, in 90 minutes less time. The original was slower, but it moved at a pace very deliberate to make sure everything was clear, motives and other wise.

This is a modern movie, so it is rushing right out of the gate and forcing you to keep up. It has a lot of region specific actors in side roles, and gives us a couple of white British people leads. I felt a bit lost very early on, despite being a little bit familiar with the story and it never really got better.

In fact, for those watching it, they will quickly realize that this is not a movie they should invest their time in. They will either shut it off, or play on games on their phone throughout it. The filters used to give it the old time feel make it actually just a pain to watch.

In addition, it reminded me of other recent bad “Ancient” movies like Immortals or The Legend of Hercules. No, it didn’t have CGI magic or anything, but just that bastardization of the past feel.

Even the chariot scene doesn’t save it. We have laws now that prevent any animals from ever being harmed now, so it doesn’t look as real as it did a long time ago. It feels fake, it feels processed, and it fails to keep any interest.

Ben-Hur is the remake no one wants, done in a way no one cares about, and was apparently a movie no one saw either, for good reason. Big pass.

The 2010 Chilean mining accident is a wonderful topic for a movie. I am surprised it took them five years in fact.

It was a national event, it lasted months, it involved dozens of people (33 to be exact), and it had a happy ending.

Imagine if they opened the hole and it was a few guys surrounded by corpses. That’d be terrifying. That would be a different sort of movie, not at all uplifting.

So I am going into The 33 with optimism. I hope they get buried within like, the first 10 minutes too. Let them build up that scare factor just a bit.

Besides, the last movie I saw set in Chile that involved a huge disaster and trying to survive was Aftershock. That wasn’t uplifting, well, besides the tectonic plates.

Seeing all those sweaty food deprived bodies could also be considered uplifting.

12,000 miners die every year. That is a big number. But, at least 9 million kids under 5 die every year, and that is only one portion of minors. So it is much more dangerous to be a minor than a miner. I assume.

Well, in this case, the miners were going down on a normal day, just to get the copper and gold. They use relatively small crews, I guess to not upset the mountain too much with the drills and other equipment. This particular mountain has been mined heavily and they are very deep into it. Mario Sepúlveda (Antonio Banderas) needs some extra money, so he is working too, despite not originally on the schedule. And guess what? Not long after they are down there and working, the mountain begins to move. Now, a super rock is blocking their only exit and they are trapped in a relatively small area. They have a hall way or two, and thankfully they are in The Refuge, a room with some food and supplies. But still, it is quite dangerous and scary down there.

The food supplies are not plentiful. The company lied about a few safety measures as well, making escape impossible. And the company isn’t even going to do anything about it! They are a private company, so they are doing the bare minimum, but they aren’t even letting the friends and family members enter the area, as they are blocked off by gates and people with guns.

Thankfully, María Segovia (Juliette Binoche) is not having any of their shit. She is the sister of one of the miners and she basically helps frenzy them into a riot, creating pressure on the government and company to attempt the rescue mission. This brings the Minister of Mining, Laurence Golborne (Rodrigo Santoro) down to the scene. He is moved by everyone’s committment and he promises to do everything he can to rescue the miners, no matter the cost.

Sure they only have 3 days of food for 3 people and it would take at least a week to get a small hole somewhere into their area. And they also have no idea how to get to the right spot, due to the density of the stone being unknown and their drills will curve. But damn it, they gotta try, right?

Obviously with so many minors, we have a huge cast. But most of the minors have no talking roles. But the people they do showcase have families worried about them or other unusual characteristics. And a lot of people helping, including Bob Gunton playing President Piñera. These people are played by Mario Casas, Juan Pablo Raba, Oscar Nuñez, Tenoch Huerta, Marco Treviño, Jacob Vargas, Lou Diamond Phillips, James Brolin, Adriana Barraza, Kate del Castillo, Elizabeth De Razzo, Cote de Pablo, and Gabriel Byrne.

Count them. They don’t even try to make the number of characters accurate.

Did I cry? Of course I cried. They had beautiful tense moments of rescue. They had people who hadn’t seen each other for 69 days, who had assumed their loved ones died, reconnecting. Someone had a baby girl, and you know how they affect me. But just because I cried doesn’t mean it is an excellent film.

First of all, when your title is The 33 and it is a well known fact that there are 33 people, you should probably have all the many extras around who don’t talk when the whole group is together. That dinner scene is unacceptable. Didn’t even have people standing to the side having their own conversation.

Second of all, there is geology in this movie. Not a lot, technically. But there was the big “eureka” moment with how they would get the drill to the correct area. And it was terrible. I cannot believe that is how it really happened, because it would mean all of the drilling crews were inept.

But there were some nice moments of course. Banderas gives an excellent speech or two that really get me going. The scene where they imagined food was super weird. And they really felt like coworkers and a family by the end.

Slightly inspirational without shoving it in your face, and a nice tail. Just those inaccuracies.

I almost went to a screening of Focus. I swear. But then Fifty Shades of Grey got in the way, and the only other screening of Focus I could find was during a week I just didn’t want to go to anything. It happens.

And I will admit that I didn’t care about missing it either. I am still a white person, so I of course still really like Will Smith, but a lot of his movie choices recently have been quite disappointing. We all know about After Earth. He was in a small role in Winter’s Tale, which was a bad movie despite his relatively interesting role in it. He turned down Django Unchained. But hey, at least he is in Suicide Squad coming up? That is something unique and new for him.

I am probably still just a little bit bitter that he isn’t going to be doing Independence Day 2.

Or maybe, maybe what I miss the most is rapping Will Smith. If he would release a new single to go along with a movie, I would be sooooo happy. But for all I know, there is no secret Will Smith song in Focus. And thus, disappointment.

Not even Tar Heel themed drinks can make me forgive the lack of rap.

Con movie! That means stylish suits, stylish cars, big money, big boobs, and a lot on the line. It is like a gambling movie, but generally a lot more illegal.

Nicky (Will Smith), son of a famous con man, is a con man himself, because why not. This chick, Jess (Margot Robbie) hits him up at a bar and they go to do the nasty, when someone tries to rob them. Oh man, it is con. But you can’t con a con man they say in every movie where a con man gets conned.

Well, Jess likes Nicky more and wants in on his conning. So they give her a trial run and she helps out a lot of stealing of wallets and stuff. Not exciting. But their organization doesn’t work on he big con. It works on tiny things. It brings all the items and money, puts them through a third party, makes cash on the items, and of course divides it up among everybody. A nice secure organization.

And then you know, con plot line involving race car drivers (Rodrigo Santoro) their body guards (Gerald McRaney) and other big business men (BD Wong) eventually. It gets there, just wait for it. Also featuring Adrian Martinez as one of the con people. He is the one you want him to notice.

Although he becomes invisible next to a fat stack of cash. Can YOU see him?

After the fact, this movie feels incredibly disappointing. Not After Earth levels of disappointing. Just a regular amount. I don’t understand the love for Margot Robbie in things, because she is also in Suicide Squad with Will Smith. She was super naked and annoying in The Wolf OF Wall Street and I literally know no more of her roles. I could look them up, but that is besides the point.

This movie moved slow. A lot of fun cons didn’t happen. I’d say one middle one was fun, but that was it. One fun and interesting con.

Any twists and turns are either boring or super expected. That is a problem with con movies. You can’t expect anything anymore, so unless it is super creative, like an Ocean’s Eleven situation, it is basically easy to guess.

And a con movie is all about the surprise. The biggest surprise here is that it wasn’t straight to DVD.

Rio 2. Did it need to happen? The first film, Rio, told a complete story. I don’t remember how I felt about the movie initially, but I quickly grew to hate it.

That’s right, I now hate the first Rio. The songs are terrible, the story is dumb. The songs are really really terrible. After one listen, I knew I could live without hearing them again (but of course I did hear them again). But whatever, I don’t have to dwell on it.

But it got a sequel because it made money, makes sense. Now they have a family of birds, doing family stuff, and living in Brazil full time. At least this time the plot won’t be an inability to fly.

No, this time it is an inability to be fly.

Tulio (Rodrigo Santoro) and Linda (Leslie Mann), the humans, are off doing human things. Roaming the Amazon rain forest, looking for cool shit. They stumble on some cool shit, but also some bad shit. I am literally done talking about them.

Needless to say, the bird type that Blu (Jesse Eisenberg) and Jewel (Anne Hathaway) are have a huge home in the middle of the rain forest, away from humans. I mean, after all, they had to come from somewhere right? That’s right, Hathaway actually voiced the same character for the sequel, unlike the travesty that occurred for Hoodwinked Too.

So they take their family and friends to find the lost tribe. Or whatever. Living in the Amazon! Yay! There they meet Jewel’s dad, Eduardo (Andy Garcia) and former lover I think, Roberto (Bruno Mars). Now that Blu knows how to fly, he has to learn how to really be a jungle bird if he wants to make sure his wife still loves him…?

Oh, and uhh. Nigel (Jemaine Clement) is back, wanting revenge. He also has a poisonous frog friend named Gabi (Kristin Chenoweth) who really loves him for whatever reason. And there are loggers. And there are parrots or something that share the forest with the Blue Mckaws.

All of the random ass bird and dog characters are also back (Jamie Foxx, George Lopez, Tracy Morgan, and Will i Am) and yes, they serve even less of a purpose in this movie.

These two, plus ant eater, plus parrots, plus loggers, means like, 10,000 villains.

Rio 2 is a strange movie. Like I just said, there are so many dang villains, it just felt excessive. Because of that fact, Nigel didn’t have a great send off. When his plan finally came true, it all was super rushed and then the movie ended.

The music for Rio 2 was a little bit better, but not amazing still. This franchise’s problem is singability. I don’t want to go and sing any of these songs later, just like the first one. Just all of them are so erratic. My favorite song was the Poison Love in which Chenoweth goes full Broadway crazy on hitting all sorts of notes. Yes, surprisingly, her character was the funniest of the whole film. She didn’t even have that much time in the movie either it felt like.

I think, somehow they went even more stereotypical than the first movie. There is even a big soccer like match with the birds, including announcers acting exactly as you’d expect.

Everything else was ehh. Was hard to keep paying attention to the film, due to how pointless the plot lines felt. I hope there isn’t a Rio 3 in the future, doing the Olympics or whatever in a couple of years. That will be stupid.

Let’s talk about History. You know I like history, and studied Ancient History. We’ve been through that many times. I remember seeing the first 300 in theaters and being amazed by what I saw. I was so surprised and excited and at the edge of my seat. Later viewings, the excitement died a bit down, and I didn’t really like the movie as much. That is sad.

So why not a sequel, what, 8 years later? Based on the sequel graphic novel, Xerxes, that isn’t even out yet. 300: Rise of an Empire is also based on history I guess. You see, when the Spartans were forcing Xerxes’ forces to a bottle neck point, the Athenians and other Greece fighters were doing the same sort of strategy but with boats. Overall, both sides stalled enough time to eventually defeat Xerxes’ army!

Spoilers? No, fuck you, that’s history. So let’s get our boat on, and hopefully this movie doesn’t suck. After all, it doesn’t have what I will now call the “Gerard Butler Star Power” aspect that the first one had.

This man is not Gerard Butler.

Themistokles (Sullivan Stapleton) is a great Athenian, bu he wants to be a great Greek. He wants to unite the country, all of the city states (including Sparta) under one banner. He has wanted this for years, and it doesn’t help (or does it?) that Xerxes (Rodrigo Santoro) is at their doorstep.

But Greece doesn’t want to do it. They have democracy now, so he can’t force them. He instead will go out with the small force and try and stall until a martyr can be formed, hopefully uniting the country and helping them win the war. He also has to deal with Artemisia (Eva Green), a Greek traitor who has risen through the ranks in Persia, leading his entire navy and wanting to see Athens burn.

But this isn’t just any sequel to 300. No, we also get material that happens before the invasion. We get the Battle of Marathon, ten years prior! We get to see how lowly Prince Xerxes became Xerxes the GodKing. And of course, we also get to see that after effects to the 300 getting slaughtered.

Lena Headey reprises her role as Queen Gorgo, and Hans Matheson, Callan Mulvey, and Jack O’Connell are the other soldiers who get speaking lines in the Athens boat force.

This shit is real too. A Greek woman commanded the Persian fleet. How progressive!

I am conflicted writing this review, just because I know I initially liked 300, and then started to kind of hate it. So, if I initially like this version too, will I hate it in a year?

I…don’t…think…so…?

I liked this one. Shit, thinking back on how much I liked 300, I think this one is actually a superior film. The problem with 300 really is that it got boring to me in later viewings. The beginning takes forever, and the fights feel repetitive once they start. It didn’t have lasting appeal. This movie balances all of that a lot more. We have a fight to begin, then some back story where cool shit happens. Then we have more fights, and then some fights, then some story, then more and more fights. Hell, we also have probably the most ridiculous sex scene I have ever seen in a film.

But I liked it.

That might have sound creepier than I intended. I liked all of the description above, not just the last sentence of the paragraph.

Mr. Not Gerard Butler? He was pretty charismatic. I really wanted to go up and help him unite Greece and defeat the Persians. Sullivan Stapleton, listen to me right now. Do NOT start starring in RomComs after this movie. None of those roles for Butler are good.

The ending could have ended on a more complete note. I am pretty sure they aren’t setting it up for another eventual film, because the last fight is the Battle Of Salamis, which basically ended the invasion into Greece. So, if they had them posing for victory, or Xerxes running, it would have told the whole ending. This part was left a bit too open ended for my sake.

Did I mention all the cool shit that they did? Man, boat battles sure are fun. No wonder why Rome flooded the Colosseum every once in awhile to hold them for audiences.

The Arnold is back!

Alright, maybe he hasn’t really gone anywhere. The Govenator was still taking part in The Expendables franchise at least, but with The Last Stand he is officially back in the lead role. Just don’t confuse it with the X-Men movie of the same name.

Although Phoenix could solve this problem in an instant.

Sommerton Junction is a small town in Arizona by the border of Mexico. That border is a giant canyon, so there aren’t too many problems associated with it. The high school has a big road football game, so most of the town has left for the weekend to cheer them on, but not Sheriff Ray Owens (Arnold). He is happy to have a weekend off, but he gets a strange feeling about a trucker (Peter Stormare),who comes up clean when his plates are run.

Oh well, it is not like he is secretly a member of the Mexican Cartel, working on busting out Gabriel Cortez (Eduardo Noriega) from FBI Custody (Forest Whitaker), and then racing him to Mexico across the canyon. That would be ludicrous!

Ray decides that no Mexican Drug lord is going to come into his town and kill its citizens, not on his watch. Nope. He wants to make a stand. With his crew by his side (Luis Guzman, Jaimie Alexander, Zach Gilford) and the deputized citizens of an alcoholic who wants to redeem himself (Rodrigo Santoro) and a weapons museum owner (Johnny Knoxville), they decide to go all out to show that they are not just stupid farmers and rednecks.

“GET TO THE DINNAH”

Sometimes it can be hard to figure out if you are supposed to take a movie seriously or not. I like to apply the LG test. That is, if the movie includes Luis Guzman, do not take it seriously, and I don’t think it has failed me yet.

I do love that The Last Stand provides an action movie without an overabundance of special effects, and being set in rural Arizona helps add to the grittiness. I liked the resolution to the plot, even if the plot was one of the more ridiculous things I’ve heard of. It also wasn’t just a silly shoot em up movie where the good guys use Home Alone-esque traps to take out the bad guys. I actually feared that any character could die.

But, the acting still is pretty bad, and the dialogue probably over did its “one liner” quota. I think the beginning was also a bit too slow, but it picked up when they discovered the bridge being built. An interesting movie, but not sure if it is one I will ever try to watch again.

Babies, babies, so many babies. Well not as many babies (or as intense) as the movie Babies, but there is still quite a few in What To Expect When You’re Expecting.

Also, as you’d expect, there is a lot of talk about genitalia, so if you hate the word vagina, or the many different versions of that word possible, you might be uncomfortable in this film. But you don’t have to see any. Not like in Babies.

“Now I want y’all to repeat after me: penis, penis, penis; vagina, vagina, vagina!”

Given the large nature of this comedy, and the fact that it is about 5~ different couples/storylines that are loosely connected going through pregnancy related stories, this is another review where I just have to show off the different characters. Yay ‘easy’ to type plot lines.

Jules (Cameron Diaz) is a fitness instructor for a Biggest Loser like show, and on a Dancing With The Stars like show, with professional dancer Evan (Matthew Morrison). They have a few month fling, and whoops pregnant. So they have to try their hand at a relationship, that is scrutinized in the tabloids/media, while they fight over every baby thing, but mostly just circumcision.

Holly (Jennifer Lopez) can’t actually have a baby and wants to adopt. But her husband Alex (Rodrigo Santoro) seems to be having a problem getting into the adoption process fully. They also have to deal with monetary issues, and looking for a new house, while Alex is forced to join a Dad Squad. A group of new~ dad’s (Chris Rock, Rob Huebel, Amir Talai, Thomas Lennon) who go on long walks with their kids, talk about problems, support each other, don’t judge, and also weirdly idolize a local athlete (Joe Manganiello).

Rosie (Anna Kendrick) runs a cheese based food truck with her friends, competing with the other local food trucks, including a pork based food truck ran by Marco (Chase Crawford). They almost had a fling in high school, but bad things happened and they never hit it off. But once the heat of the competition happens, they find themselves in a one night sexy time, which of course, leads to pregnancy. Now they have to try to figure out what to do, when they aren’t even in a real relationship.

Wendy (Elizabeth Banks) runs a strange mother shop, full of pregnancy items and books and accessories, and has been trying for two years to get pregnant with her husband Gary (Ben Falcone). Once it finally occurs, she is so happy, yet she seems to get none of the benefits of pregnancy, only the negative side effects. Where is her glow damn it? She also has an assistant to help run her shop, Janice (Rebel Wilson) who has no idea about anything.

But unfortunately for them, Gary’s dad is a big hot shot race car driver. Or else he used to be. Now Ramsey (Dennis Quaid) lives in a mansion, and has everything going right for him (minus his relationship with his son). He even has a younger (than his son) wife, Skyler (Brooklyn Decker). And after one try, boom pregnant as well. And twins! She also has the perfect pregnancy, no problems at all, keeps her amazing looks, and no worries.

So pretty much everything that could deal with pregnancy at all, involving adoption, fertilization, marriage problems, weight gain, miscarriages, c-sections, drugs, PRETTY MUCH EVERYTHING EVER, that could deal with the babies. You know, so you can expect it all.

The female Jonah Hill was in this movie. Almost everything said is quotable.

So yeah, pregnancy, am I right?

True story, I laughed in this film, and maybe even cried. Some stuff was touching, and I almost was going to be pissed at the ending (but thankfully the event in question didn’t happen).

Really this movie is like four movies in one, all with the topic of starting a family. Some of these movies would be great on their own too, such as the Kendrick/Chase plot line. Loved it. I think the Banks/Falcone + Quaid storyline would make on its own a decent movie as well, but it is kind of the main plot line in this movie so not as necessary. Diaz/Morrison? That one was pretty weak. Lopez/Santoro would have probably just been a lame comedy, in the vein of Grown Ups or Daddy Day Care.

But man, was Rebel Wilson pretty funny. Most of the time. Good for her. Anna Kendrick also kicked ass, and not just because of my mini-crush on her. Glad she is out of the Twilight films now, so she can do more roles, instead of 5s of footage in those films.

I bought Post Grad on Blu-Ray and immediately felt guilty. There was no way this movie was going to be one of the better movies out there. No way at all.

Not saying it would have been bad. But I was going to expect a lot of cliches and stereotypes. Also Alexis Bledel‘s eyes were staring at me, and kind of just made me buy it.

So…Blue….

Alexis Bledel has graduated college! She is a savvy technological young person, with the world open to her. Although she didn’t get valedictorian (Because her college has a valedictorian? ) she wants to work at a publishing house and find the next great american novel. Small dreams I guess. But hey, she is a college graduate, so it should be easy?

Nah. Because who cares about Bachelor’s degrees? Masters is where that shit is out, and she just doesn’t know it yet. What she also doesn’t realize is her best guy friend clearly wants her, Zach Gilford (Hey, he was in The River Why).

She is also living with her family, her dad (Michael Keaton), mom (Jane Lynch), and grandmother (Carol Burnett), so needless to say she has a very successful family. Or her dad is a con artist maybe? Suitcase salesman kind of?

She also has a “hot neighbor” played by Rodrigo Santoro, who you may remember (hate?) as that guy Paulo from Lost.

I don’t think I’ve mentioned the plot yet though. So she wants a job. Can’t get one she wants. Keeps going through other jobs. Keeps ignoring her clearly “true love” best friend. Finally gets dream job. Gives up dream job to move to her true love, realizing that a man is more important than the career she has dreamed of her whole life.

What? Oh yeah, spoilers. Seriously. That is how it ended. Also she has competition with that valedictorian (Catherine Reitman) who plays a way too fake individual, that doesn’t make any sense.

PLUS he is a musician. Come on girl. Give up your dreams.

I don’t even know how to end this. Clearly I am mad at the ending. It is super cliched, and horrible. It was her life dream, and she was like, “lolololjk”. Having a man going to law school way more important than your overall goals.

The fake characters bugged me, and the plot was stupid. That is all.