Tag: Patricia Heaton

The Star

As of writing this introduction to The Star, there is only one mainstream / mainstream movie I have yet to see for the year, and at this point I can say that 2017 just overall sucked.

So many sequels of films that didn’t need them, offering nothing new. We have stories that are based on books and don’t rise up to their level. We have original works that don’t focus on the smaller elements. We have two fucking LEGO movies.

And then we have The Star. The cherry on top of the year. I haven’t released all the reviews I just mentioned, because at least one or two films were actually good, but I will let them happen eventually through the rest of this month and January. But it should be obvious I was not looking forward to The Star in any level.

No film has starred a donkey successfully since Shrek.

The film starts off at “9 months B.C” because they need to make it obvious. This angel talks to Mary (Gina Rodriguez) that God is about to give her that baby, and she is like yes!

Now, months later we can focus on the real hero, Bo (Steven Yeun)! Bo is a donkey, a mill donkey, who spends most of his day walking in a circle, moving the mill. Hard labor. He has big dreams though. He wants to get out of the mill and carry around important people, like royalty, like the horses. Oh yeah, that would be the life. Eventually he does get to break out and finds himself in the barn of Mary and Joseph (Zachary Levi). You see, they just got married, and Joseph is of course worried about her baby bump. But she says it is from God, and he prayed so it must be okay.

What is not okay is some animals have spread the story of the angel and the future king, which has gotten to the ears of the current King. The new King doesn’t like that and sends people out to look for and kill this dude. Also, they are having a Census, so everyone has to travel to Bethlehem, or else! I don’t know what the or else is, but no matter the condition they must go.

So Mary and Joseph are traveling when she is about to pop, with a Donkey and a bird (Keegan-Michael Key) and a lamb (Aidy Bryant), and along the way they get into many shenanigans.

Either way, this story is pretty common, so you know where we are going with it and the whole thing is basically spoiled.

There are so many goddamn people who they grabbed to get presumably tiny quick paychecks. Because the more famous people you cram into a film, the more people will come to see it. Just ask Movie 43. We have as animals or the occasional other human: Christopher Plummer, Ving Rhames, Gabriel Iglesias, Kelly Clarkson, Anthony Anderson, Patricia Heaton, Kris Kristofferson, Kristin Chenoweth, Mariah Carey, Oprah Winfrey, Tyler Perry, Tracy Morgan, Delilah (from the Radio), Joel McCrary, Phil Morris, and Joel Fuck The Poor Osteen.

Winfrey, Jordan, and Perry are camels. Seems…racist.

Just like I have mentioned in previous films about mythology, I don’t care if they change aspects from the original stories, because who cares, they are made up stories as well. I didn’t care with The Rock’s Hercules, I didn’t care with Percy Jackson, and I don’t care with the Star.

But if I was Christian, I would be insulted by this film. To take one of the hallmarks of your religion and turn it into a big awkward joke. To have Mary and Joseph worry so much about the donkey and bird hanging out with them, making light of some king dude, and basically implying everything worked out well due to some animals.

Shit, the manger scene before it was set up had the horses basically making meta jokes about how convient it was for there to be this space, this manger, and a big awkward shining light on it that had been bugging them for weeks.

However even worse, I am going to quote the end of the film. This is Oprah as a camel, talking about the ending (spoilers?). Seriously, real words here, it took me awhile to get it all down: “You know, I think people are gonna remember this night. What happened here around this manger will be celebrated for thousands of years. Families will come together and exchange presents and sing carols, all to remember the grace of this moment that we are witnessing right now.”

That isn’t even funny at this point, as they basically stare at the camera to update us on what sometimes happens around Christmas.

The plot is full of mostly filler material, a lot of non exciting chase scenes, a very gullible husband, a very confident wife, and a shit ton of actors earning some money. But hey, at least the colors of Mary/Joseph were attempted to be correct.

0 out of 4.

Moms’ Night Out

Yay moms.

Hopefully if you are a mom, you also know you are a mom. I hear sometimes guys finding out they are dads a year or many years later, and that is unfortunate. So I have to assume that is true for some moms too. I’d be a shame to not know you were a mom for like, ten years.

Anyways, the movie Moms’ Night Out is meant for those moms who know they are moms.

MOVIE QUIZ TIME: One of these characters is not a mom in this movie. Can you guess which one?!

Oh being a mom. The world’s hardest job, apparently. It is harder than being a dad, because it involves measurably more vaginal stretching.

Just ask Allyson (Sarah Drew)! She is a blogger and a mom. A mom blogger. But she actually doesn’t actively write. Too busy momming. Has three kids and a husband (Sean Astin) who travels a bunch. You’d think Mother’s Day would be a restful day for her, but nope, kids. Even church is hectic! Her spirit animal of hope is Sondra (Patricia Heaton), the pastor’s wife (Alex Kendrick). She definitely has it together, no stress at all. Just a rebellious teenage daughter.

Allyson’s other friend is Izzy (Logan White), another mom of two. Her husband (Robert Amaya) is afraid of tiny children for whatever reason. He is very traditional and doesn’t want to ever look after his own kids in the nicest way possible.

After the disastrous mother’s day, Allyson decides to organize a Moms’ Night Out. Just moms, make the dads be the moms for once, so the moms can just be carefree ladies. Yeah! Fancy restaurants! Bowling maybe! No responsibilities! But when her (sister-in-law? Half-sister?) Bridget (Abbie Cobb) gets involved, and they find out her baby is missing because her boyfriend (Harry Shum Jr.) left it with a friend, well, then oh buddy oh gee whiz. That ends up just being the first of many problems! Oh poop. Why can’t they ever have just a night off? Being a mom is just so gosh darn turrible.

Also staring David Hunt as a cab driver, Kevin Downes as an “irresponsible gaming friend” of Sean, and Trace Adkins as a tattoo artist.

Not The MOms
Unlike the last picture, this one features zero moms.

Moms mom mommity mom mom. That is their target audience with this movie. It does glorify “moms”, yes. But mostly the stay at home mom. The mom who also helps serve her husband mom. The mom who is in charge of doing most of the kid activities while the husbands get to play games and work a job. That’s right. This is a movie has a very old concept of what it means to be a mom. One of the four moms, I guess, has a job, but only part time because her husband is more of a slacker.

Basically, this movie is secretly a religious movie. The guy who plays a pastor? He did those movies like Courageous and Fireproof. He didn’t do this one, he is just in it as an actor playing a pastor. Big role move for him there.

I’d say this movie is almost offensive in that regard. In fact, they made the moms feel mostly frantic and unable to handle anything that came their way. They made the moms kind of feel pathetic. This elevated the side characters like the cabbie and the Trace Adkins into amusing roles as they ended up doing a lot to help and save the day. So the get the jokes, they make me laugh occasionally, which is what saves this movie from being completely terrible.

Sean Astin and Kevin Downes play characters named Sean and Kevin. Come on guys, try a little. I am not saying that shouldn’t allowed, but in this case two characters had their real names, which is redonkulous.

For sure, do not take your mothers to see this movie.

1 out of 4.