Tag: Musical

Stage Fright

There comes a time in every movies life when it needs to pick a genre out of a hat and just run with it. Sometimes, they get genres accidentally stuck together when it comes to be their time, so they might get odd combinations like “Thriller Comedy” or “Urban Sci-Fi”. In the case of Stage Fright, it was able to pull out “Horror Musical”. Sure, musicals could be in really any genre. But even the ones with “darker themes” such as Rocky Horror Picture Show or Little Shop of Horrors or Cannibal! The Musical are all just actually musical comedies. I guess the closest we have right now is Repo! The Genetic Opera. But that is all sorts of weird.

So can Stage Fright be the musical that is also truly a horror?

The Loaf Is Raw
Well, it has a horror musical veteran in this, so why not?

The movie starts with the worldwide premiere of The Haunting of the Opera, which is a fake Phantom of the Opera, obviously. Similar plot and all. It’s star is miss Kylie Swanson (Minnie Driver), who was killed after her opening night wonderful performance. Awkward. She left behind two kids, Buddy (Douglas Smith) and Camilla (Allie MacDonald). They are taken in by Roger (Meat Loaf), the director or producer or something of the original musical and long time friend of Kylie.

Then, ten years later. Roger has started a musical summer camp for kids to grow their talent and put on shows, to teach everyone that musicals are great! Camilla and Buddy are not campers, they just work in the kitchen. But the camp this year is putting on their own Japanese inspired version of The Haunting of the Opera. That is terrible. But Camilla feels strangely allured to it. She wants to audition for the lead role, like her mom did, and truly honor her.

Yadda yadda yadda, other people want the part. We got an annoying director (Brandon Uranowitz), another lead lady (Melanie Leishman), a weird lead actor (Ephraim Ellis), and a head tech guy who likes Camilla (Kent Nolan). Oh, and eventually a killer starts taking out parts of the cast and crew. Shit, again? What’s up with that? Is that musical haunted or something?!

Trance
Haunting musicals can make women fall into trance. A modern day snake charmer, really.

Well, turns out this musical, like the others, really isn’t too scary. Nope, but it does half original music and actually a decent number of laughs! Maybe horror musicals are just inherently funny, because it is hard to take it too seriously when people just belt into song?

There actually weren’t too many original songs in this, just a couple, and then a song from the musical that gets song a few times. But the songs that they did make up were very entertaining/clever/funny. So props to them there!

I find it funny that I can’t think of anything really else to say analysis wise. Not really scary, but the gore existed at some points. The killer isn’t a big shocker. But I am just so happy that they tried to do something like this, and it was decently amusing, that hey, it gets a nice grade.

3 out of 4.

Black Nativity

Man, movies that didn’t come out last Fall/Winter are finally hitting the DVD Shelves. Last week was Justin Bieber’s Believe, which came to theaters on Christmas. This week, it is Black Nativity, which came to theaters for Thanksgiving! An even longer wait, those assholes. And for what? Nothing.

Bah humbug. Just give me my Christmas themed movie in April, thanks.

Mom
Christmas movie…with singing! Yay, sounds like a lot of joy.

This movie is based on a Langston Hughes play of the same name (but also, nothing like it?). You see, this isn’t just a retelling of the nativity but with an all black cast. The latter part is true, but the former is not. This is a modern setting, New York City.

In fact, our main character is named Langston (Jacob Latimore), after the poet. His mom (Jennifer Hudson) really likes him. Well, they are poor, behind on bills, he doesn’t know his daddy and they are about to be evicted. So she sends him to live with her parents in NYC, whom he hasn’t ever really met.

In NYC, after getting into trouble, he finally meets them. Reverend Cornell Cobbs (Forest Whitaker) and his wife Aretha (Angela Bassett). Yep, religious people. Around Christmas, no doubt. Langston doesn’t care about any of this, he just wants to help his mother anyway possible. If he has to steal to make money, so be it.

But maybe, just maybe, Christmas will and this new family he never really knew will be able to change him. Also starring Tyrese Gibson, Mary J. Blige, and Nas.

Rev
I swear, just one role of his should acknowledge his eye. Just. One.

As expected, there ended up being a lot of drama in this movie. Over status in life, over who was the father, over why the daughter left her home in the first place to struggle for fifteen years, and over God.

I was ready and willing for all of that. But then the songs came and it was incredibly disappointing.

Fist off, the music felt faker than most musicals. They didn’t even make them feel real for a musical. I am ready to expect someone to just belt out and start going, but then they keep singing the song while doing other songs. I mean, I know Jennifer Hudson is singing. She started the song, voice didn’t change. But they continue the same scene with her singing, but character literally not singing as other stuff goes on. That happened multiple times.

A lot of the music also just became background noise. Musicals need to make their music front stage. When it gets turned into a montage without any of the characters actively singing, and literally just being a song like in a normal movie, it is hard to really give it any attention.

The music was a lot of Gospel, and I like Gospel, but the music was just so disappointing as a whole, that this in no way felt too much like a musical. None of the emotions they wanted to convey were able to hit me and that is down right disappointing.

This is why I chose to use all of my analysis space on just the music a lone. After all, if the music is bad in your musical, then your musical is indeed bad.

1 out of 4.

Justin Bieber’s Believe

Hells yeah. Took forever, but I finally get to see Justin Bieber’s Believe, his latest documentary.

I reviewed his first one awhile ago, Justin Beiber: Never Say Never which made a lot of money. There was a second and third documentary that I never saw, Justin Bieber: All Around The World, and Justin Bieber: Rise To Fame. No, I got stuck with Justin Beiber: Always Believe, which was one of the biggest horse shits disguised as a movie that I have ever seen.

But this one went to theaters! Released on Christmas! It has to be a better, higher quality, right?

Much like the first one, we get to see live performances of a lot of Bieber’s songs from whatever this album is. I think it was called Believe, the venue was in Miami. That also is really the only new information given by this documentary. At least the first one got to talk about growing up, his first fourteen years and how he got big. This one was filled with just behind the scenes tour stuff, a lot of which was focused on his dancers for whatever reason.

Bieber Stash
Here is Bieber trying to grow a mustache.

Lot of talk about the song Boyfriend, which is unfortunate, because that song sounds like pigs being slaughtered to my ears. That’s the only comparison I can think of, honestly. I know very little reason why it got popular. Beauty and the Beat? That is a song that makes sense. Even has singing in it. But Boyfriend? Get the fuck out of here. None of these songs really live up to his earlier work, in my eyes.

This documentary had a very large older man with a Bieber face tattoo. On his thigh. That deserved its own mention.

And uhh, that was about it. There is literally not much else in this documentary. Just behind the scenes crap of another tour, so nothing new outside of the songs being played.

What is kind of annoying is an interview in this movie where he talks about hos the paparazzi and media really want him to mess up and crash and burn. He says he hates it, but says he sometimes yells out at them so they get what they want just to leave him alone. But you know, that the bad life style isn’t for him.

Yeah. That explains everything he did since this movie came out then. What another waste of a documentary. Again, I don’t even hate Bieber. Just the song Boyfriend. I more hate Bieber haters, who only have like 5 of the same jokes, thinking they are so clever. Same sort of hate I give to people who say “still a better love story than Twilight“.

If you hate Bieber, then obviously you will dislike this movie. If you like Bieber, you will enjoy the new songs. If you are looking for new important stories or anything in his life, then this documentary will be disappointing. Consider me in that last area.

1 out of 4.

Rio 2

Rio 2. Did it need to happen? The first film, Rio, told a complete story. I don’t remember how I felt about the movie initially, but I quickly grew to hate it.

That’s right, I now hate the first Rio. The songs are terrible, the story is dumb. The songs are really really terrible. After one listen, I knew I could live without hearing them again (but of course I did hear them again). But whatever, I don’t have to dwell on it.

But it got a sequel because it made money, makes sense. Now they have a family of birds, doing family stuff, and living in Brazil full time. At least this time the plot won’t be an inability to fly.

Family
No, this time it is an inability to be fly.

Tulio (Rodrigo Santoro) and Linda (Leslie Mann), the humans, are off doing human things. Roaming the Amazon rain forest, looking for cool shit. They stumble on some cool shit, but also some bad shit. I am literally done talking about them.

Needless to say, the bird type that Blu (Jesse Eisenberg) and Jewel (Anne Hathaway) are have a huge home in the middle of the rain forest, away from humans. I mean, after all, they had to come from somewhere right? That’s right, Hathaway actually voiced the same character for the sequel, unlike the travesty that occurred for Hoodwinked Too.

So they take their family and friends to find the lost tribe. Or whatever. Living in the Amazon! Yay! There they meet Jewel’s dad, Eduardo (Andy Garcia) and former lover I think, Roberto (Bruno Mars). Now that Blu knows how to fly, he has to learn how to really be a jungle bird if he wants to make sure his wife still loves him…?

Oh, and uhh. Nigel (Jemaine Clement) is back, wanting revenge. He also has a poisonous frog friend named Gabi (Kristin Chenoweth) who really loves him for whatever reason. And there are loggers. And there are parrots or something that share the forest with the Blue Mckaws.

All of the random ass bird and dog characters are also back (Jamie Foxx, George Lopez, Tracy Morgan, and Will i Am) and yes, they serve even less of a purpose in this movie.

Villains
These two, plus ant eater, plus parrots, plus loggers, means like, 10,000 villains.

Rio 2 is a strange movie. Like I just said, there are so many dang villains, it just felt excessive. Because of that fact, Nigel didn’t have a great send off. When his plan finally came true, it all was super rushed and then the movie ended.

The music for Rio 2 was a little bit better, but not amazing still. This franchise’s problem is singability. I don’t want to go and sing any of these songs later, just like the first one. Just all of them are so erratic. My favorite song was the Poison Love in which Chenoweth goes full Broadway crazy on hitting all sorts of notes. Yes, surprisingly, her character was the funniest of the whole film. She didn’t even have that much time in the movie either it felt like.

I think, somehow they went even more stereotypical than the first movie. There is even a big soccer like match with the birds, including announcers acting exactly as you’d expect.

Everything else was ehh. Was hard to keep paying attention to the film, due to how pointless the plot lines felt. I hope there isn’t a Rio 3 in the future, doing the Olympics or whatever in a couple of years. That will be stupid.

1 out of 4.

Teen Beach Movie

Remember when I hit 1000 reviews? Sure, that was fun. Kind of takes away a lot from hitting 1050. But damn it, I promised a larger review every 50, to keep things interested, and that is what I will keep doing!

Because 1050 is incredibly lackluster of a Milestone Review, I wanted to go for what appeared to be a completely lackluster movie. Another Disney Channel Original Movie.

The last milestones similar to this one were of course my High School Musicals review, and the spin-off, Sharpay’s Fabulous Adventure.

So, besides Disney Channel Original Movie, it is similar in other ways. It has music, and it has an extremely generic name. I mean, High School Musical is technically about a high school musical, but the name also describes the movie…a musical set in a high school. Teen Beach Movie takes the generic-ness up a few levels and gives us Teen Beach Movie. Holy fuck, they aren’t even trying anymore.

TUBULAR. YEAH.
Yeah, definitely looks like they have given up.

Upon even further remembrance, fuck, I already reviewed a different teach beach musical movie. From Justin To Kelly. Shit, there are a lot of these types of movies in my milestone reviews.

So this movie is about two kids, Brady (Ross Lynch) and McKenzie/Mack (Maia Mitchell). They are enjoying the summer before Junior year of high school. They are surfing having a blast and being all lovey dovey. Well, disaster strikes!

Mack’s aunt (Suzanne Cryer) is here to take her away! She agreed to go to a fancy boarding school her last two years, to get into a good college and start being awesome. Boo! Brady is sad! She is leaving before the big perfect condition waves tomorrow, too!

Jazz Hands
NO. NOW IS NOT THE TIME FOR JAZZ HANDS. THIS IS SAD TIME!

Well, ever conflicted, she still goes on the waves missing her flight, but still planning to move. Unfortunately, the waves get SO CRAZY HUGE OMG! Brady goes to save her when she falls off her board, and when they emerge from the wave, they find themselves in the 1960s.

No, they haven’t just time traveled, they have become part of the very “famous” movie, Wet Side Story. Yes, a fictional movie, based on West Side Story, which is based on Romeo and Juliet. Basically, the only real similarities to West Side Story is singing/dancing rival gangs, and the love interest between the two.

Gang Wars
This time the gangs are “bikers” vs surfers. Much fierce.

So, these kids are transported into a musical, where everything is happy go lucky and sunshine lollipops. The actual movie isn’t. Just the movie in the movie.

Ho. Ly. Fuck.

This movie is a mother fucking parody. A parody of not only West Side Story, but also I can sense a lot of Grease in here. But even more importantly, this movie is a parody on High School Musical. All of them. Disney Channel is parodying their own movie. They even have their own Zac Efron looking mother fucker.

Fabulous
And he’s fabulouuuuuuuuuuusssssss.

That’s not all. They have half the cast of High School Musical in here. Not actually, just people who remind me of them. That main chick Mack? She has some Vanessa Hudgens characteristics.

Anyways, their existence in the movie messes things up. The two romantic leads ends up falling in love with them instead of each other! Oh no! Now the rift between the two gangs will never be saved!

Lela (Grace Phipps) is the biker chick lover, brother of head biker dude Butchy (John DeLuca, who looks like Josh Peck).

Tanner (Garrett Clayton) is our Efron, main singer for the beach goers.

Two Loves
Aww, how are they going to fix this beach time love madness? Through song?!

Why does it matter? Well, stuff that belongs to the two main kids start to disappear. If they can’t fix the plot, the movie can’t finish and they might be stuck in it forever.

The good news is, because they are in a movie, they have things to work with, such as movie magic. So, scenes change easily, and costumes come freely. Mack has also decided to introduce woman’s rights while she is here, because all the girls only talk about boys. It is annoying to her.

Bitch, im still fabulous
“Bitch, I am still fabulous. Talk more about me!”

I dunno. Then some more stuff happens. Songs, love games. Oh, I guess there are also villains here. A Les Camembert (Steve Valentine) and Dr. Fusion (Kevin Chamberlin). They are building a machine to change the weather to chase those beach rats and bikers away from their homes. Mwhahaha!

I guess that is important. If the two groups don’t befriend each other, there is no way they will be able to stop them!

Villains!?
Science is the real enemy here.

Eh, there are other people in this movie too. Like Barry Bostwick, who plays Brady’s (dad? grandpa?). The only reason he deserves this note is that it is fucking Brad from Rocky Horror Picture Show, all old though. These sneaky Disney bastards, paying tribute to older musicals like this.

Chrissie Fit is also in this, as a biker head lady as well. And Jordan Fisher plays the best friend of not-Efron. And yes, he looks like the black guy from High School Musical, aka, Efron’s friend.

Black guy friend
Seriously, this can’t be a coincidence right?

Alright, let’s look at this here movie.

I assumed it would be a train wreck. A terrible invention. The fact that I even knew it existed because it had some ads at the local movie theater, and it looked terrible.

But as a parody? A satire on the older musicals and lifestyles presented in them? Well, it works. I am not saying this is a fantastic movie, no, but it has its moments.

The songs are all incredibly cheesy, but again, it makes sense given the movie. There wasn’t one that was particularly atrocious, they were all at least okay minus the first one where I was still flabbergasted at what was happening. My favorite two songs would have to be Can’t Stop Singing, where are main two leads realize they can’t get out of the musical and are forced to sing and dance (while singing and dancing about it). And Like Me, which felt very Grease-y and was just overly ridiculous, and reminded me of the parody songs from the South Park episode Elementary School Musical.

It has obvious issues, yes. The graphics were horrible, and thus every surf scene was horrible. The singing was clearly done ahead of time, which is standard, but these no name actors did bad at lip syncing in my eyes. The acting itself was cringe worthy at times too, ignoring the on purpose cheese factors.

But fuck, it was a decent showing and parody.

2 out of 4.

Inside Llewyn Davis

My main initial complaint with Inside Llewyn Davis is the name. I have seen the title online for months, but no one ever pronounced it for me by an official source. I had to wait til I saw the dang thing to know just how to pronounce Llewyn. And it is like Lue-Win.

Now we all know!

I still have problems spelling it too though, so that’s not going well either. I end up adding like, two extra e’s some how.

Clearly, I was not made for the folk scene.

Justin Timberlake
But clearly these guys were!

Llewyn Davis (Oscar Isaac) is a folk singer in 1961, and he is basically living couch to couch at his friends apartments in the Village in NYC. He used to be part of a duo, with a Mike, but now he is a solo artist and basically making no money at all. Sad times.

The movie basically examines a week in his life, trying to make ends meet, trying to not piss off all of his friends, and trying to get rediscovered as an artist to sign a new deal. He also performs at The Gaslight Cafe, which was famous in real life for folk stuff. He is good friends with the owner Pappi Corsicato (Max Casella), which gets him gigs all the time.

Some of his friends include Jen (Carey Mulligan) and Jim (Justin Timberlake), also folk singers, but they are making better life choices and potentially getting really successful. He has a college professor friend (Ethan Phillips) and his hippie wife (Robin Bartlett) as sort of a last resort.

He meets other musicians, like Al Cody (Adam Driver), a deep voiced almost country singer, Troy Nelson (Stark Sands), a simple army man with a simple voice, and Roland Turner (John Goodman), a limping jazz star who wont shut up and his personal driver Johnny Five (Garrett Hedlund).

Basically, it is just a story of poor old Llewyn Davis trying to get by, to make money, to get signed, to be who he wants to be as an artist, and occasionally carry around someone else’s cat.

Cat man
Basically, a great movie for those who love kittens.

A professor of mine described the movie as sort of a O Brother, Where Art Thou? meets A Serious Man, and I’d have to agree. If you know those movies, you might be able to figure out what I mean. If you don’t, go fucking watch the first one right now. Then maybe watch the other one soon after. Eventually. That one is a bit weirder.

Because Inside Llewyn Davis is kind of weird. In a nice way. I liked its weirdness more than I liked A Serious Man.

The music though, was awesome. I already have the soundtrack. The songs are all very soulful and seem from the heart. Well, not the one “pop song” but at least that one is silly and fun to listen to. Huh. Like pop music.

Oscar Isaac really transformed himself for the role. I’ve seen him in a few movies, and I don’t think he has ever gone too deep into a character like this one. I am sure he received some votes for Best Actor.

Although it was an enjoyable film, and one I will definitely buy and watch again, I can’t help but want more. Which is part of the point of the movie. To not give you everything. To make you fill in your own theories with what they don’t tell you. I am not saying I would change anything either, I just didn’t super love it. Just regular like it.

3 out of 4.

From Justin To Kelly

#900. Hooray. Not technically an important number, but it is 100 from 1000, which is sexy as shit.

For this milestone review marker, I have decided to tackle a movie that definitely falls outside of my time range. It came out in 2003, but was such a bomb, that I am pretty sure no one ever saw it, and it was given the Gigli treatment. The movie you know was bad before it came out, and were willing to trash it without seeing it.

I mean, I am not saying this movie didn’t warrant that treatment, for so many obvious reasons. But just how bad was From Justin To Kelly?

Cover
I mean, these two kids look like they are at least clean right?

But first, let’s make sure you all understand where this film came from. In 2002, American Idol was born. A huge sensation and hit, it captivated audiences, because it honestly brought something new. The viewer was given the power, it was live, not some just random panel of judges. Oh, and that Simon, he was a mean one.

Well, our final two contestants were Kelly Clarkson and Justin Guarini and America was left wondering who would win, who!? Well, clearly we know the winner now. Kelly Clarkson is a big star. Justin Guarini is better known as Sideshow Bob from The Simpsons. Despite that, a year later, they decided to ride their fame to the ground and release a movie that probably cost $5 to make, to make America love them even more!

American Idol
They also had two announcers that year. Did you forget about Brian Dunkleman?!

No, fuck that. It is movie time.

Spring break movie time.

Unfortunately, this movie is rated PG, so any closeness to Spring Break will be missing from this film. Either way, this movie takes place almost entirely in the sun, on a beach, where people sing dance and sing some more!

Guy Group
Where a bro, can be a bro.

First we have our guys! Of course we have Justin, who gets to play himself, from Philly originally but now lives in the beach area. He and his bud, Brandon (Greg Siff) are working on starting a business. A party business, and what better place to start than Spring Break. They can make cash and have fun at the same time. Justin is the type who has a different woman every night, so this is just more opportunity for hot passionate hook ups!

Brandon keeps getting in trouble with the law, a hottie cop (Theresa San-Nicholas) giving him ticket after ticket. The third friend is Eddie (Brian Dietzen), who is a nerd and has been dating a girl on the INTERNET. Hah, what a creep! He plans on meeting her over the break, but he just can’t find her.

Girl Group
She ain’t one of these ladies, that is for sure.

Then we have our girls, straight from Texas. Our main lead is Kelly, and she is a bit shy and doesn’t get out that much, so her friends are responsible for bringing them along. Kelly isn’t really looking for anything, just a break from the mundane. One of her friends is Kaya (Anika Noni Rose), falls in love with a random bus boy, gross. Her other “friend,” Alexa (Katherine Bailess), likes to reject boys and play a tease. Ah, teenagers.

If you haven’t noticed, despite the even numbers, no, we don’t have three friends hooking up with three friends. That is good!

Justin Alone
I really am telling a picture with these stories. Look how alone Justin is. He hasn’t found Kelly yet!

Well, eventually Justin meets Kelly, and it is love at first sight. Just kidding, then the movie would be over. But there is some interest, so Kelly gives Justin her number.

Too bad he loses it somehow! Shit, she is also complaining about whipped cream bikini contests. He is totally running one of those later in the week. Oh well, might as well lie.

Kelly Alone
Oh no, she is also dancing alone. God, why can’t they find each other and have the best love of all the times!

Well, he tries to get her number again from Alexa, who agrees, even though she is kind of interested in him too. Except she gives him her own number just to fuck with him. Alexa is a bitch.

So he is texting her for days but she will not meet up with him, despite their in person conversation. What is up with that? Kelly is left thinking that Justin is a player who didn’t really want her, just a trophy number. Neither side is having any fun. Even when they do meet, they fail to mention the lack or awkward text communication, and end up having their own real life problems. Jeez, why can’t it just work out perfectly?

Almost Together
Well, there is progress here. At least they are dancing near each other.

Long story short, EVERYTHING WORKS OUT FOR THE BEST. Kelly finds out Alexa is a whore. Kira gets with the bus boy who also doesn’t lose his job. Eddie makes other friends and his online girlfriend is for real! Brandon, after shenanigan after shenanigan, is able to meat the cop in her off time and she totally digs him too.

Oh, and Justin and Kelly found out they love each other or something. Time to give up those player hater days and foster this love that will totally last forever, since they live in Texas and Pennsylvania. Also, singing!

Yay Together
Boom. These pictures were a metaphor. And all basically the same bullshit beach.

Big cash cow organization makes a movie, and I am left wondering a few things.

1) Why the fuck did they not cast more members of the final six/eight. I know they have them all under contract, they signed most of them to deals and forced them to go on tour. They’d do anything to get their names out. Why cast even less well known people to star in the other roles. It’d make sense if they threw in a Matt Damon or someone real somehow, but this is just two formerly unknowns getting to sing and dance with a bunch of extras. That is it. How lame.

2) Half of these songs are not unique in anyway. The CD for the film didn’t even end up getting released, due to the large mass of boos and poor numbers. The only reason we know about some of them (because no one saw the movie) was their appearance on Clarkson fan sites and the main song, Timeless, appearing on Guarini’s first (and only?) album. Despite that, no one wants to hear a cover of That’s The Way (I Like It). No one. No one ever really wants to hear the real version either.

3) Where the fuck is my Ruben Studdard and Clay Aiken movie? They could have turned them into buddy cops who brought the southern soul to the streets of Memphis, or something. Fuck. I wish there was a movie for every season, especially because I’d watch them all.

The dancing was bad, the music was bad, the plot was pointless as fuck. The hate was well deserved, and we all knew it from the start. Time to go back to judging books by their covers.

1 out of 4.

Fame

I love the summer. It lets me watch all the things I missed, and all the things I didn’t even know existed. Did you know there was a remake of Fame? No, not that TV show, like 2009 a new Fame movie. Hooray?

Yeah, I never saw the original. Or the show. Or the Broadway version. But I know this one is classified as a musical, and I like musicals, so fuck it.

Punch Punch The potential seems high for dance punching and fighting! Classic West Side Story.
Just like the original Fame, I have been told, this story is told in a similar style. It is just a small group of friends in learning how to perform high school. No, it is a few different people who might not share social groups. It is split into 5 parts, of which are nicely labeled, I think. Audition, Freshman Year, Sophomore Year, Junior Year, Senior Year.

We get to see a few students over their careers in the high school, and what makes them tick. Like Jenny Garrison (Kay Panabaker, who you may remember from No Ordinary Family and younger sister of Danielle Panabaker). She is some sort of actor who can’t less lose. This Marco kid (Asher Book) tried to date her for two years and she finally relents. When she takes a card from a big time actor, who might give her a part, Marco is jealous. But she goes to him anyways, basically gets sexually harassed, and Marco can’t stand that commitment and leaves her.

Wait what? Way to be a douche Marco.

Or Kevin (Paul McGill). He came from bumfuck Iowa to be a dancer. He isn’t that good, yet somehow still accepted into the program. People make fun of him. Alice (Kherington Payne) outshines him. His senior year, his teacher won’t give him a recommendation because he is that bad, so he tries that suicide thing. What? How the hell could you be in a dance school for four years if you aren’t good enough?

Let’s try again. Denise (Naturi Naughton) and Malik (Collins Pennie) are both lying to their parents. Denise’s thinks the school is so much more uptight and she’d practice cello 24/7. Malik’s mom thinks he goes to a regular school (what?). Turns out Denise can sing, so Malik and Victor (Walter Perez) put her vocals on a track they are making, which gets played at a club. Alright! But when local producers hear it, they only like her vocals, not their work. Whoops.

Neil (Paul Iacono) wants to be a director, makes documentaries, gets a job to make an indie short film! But really, he just got scammed out of his money. Fuck.

These are all kind of depressing. I don’t want to go on anymore. But hey. Charles S. Dutton is in this movie as random teacher guy. That’s something?

Kay Is Famous
Kay is the most famous actress in this, yet I couldn’t find her doing artsy things.


Oh hey, yeah, I gave reckless spoilers in that review, because no one is going to watch it. No one. If you planned on it, stop right now. It is a jumbled mess. The music is bad. The dancing is whatever. I cared nothing about any of the characters, and just waited for it to be over.

None of the plot lines were particularly good, but they had no chance with so little being told about each person over a four year period. Even if I wanted to care, I couldn’t. Most of them got shit on throughout the years too, in various ways. But because so little time is on every single person, plot lines also get forget about and just ignored for the end of the movie.

How the hell are all these non talented kids getting into a program like this? That is a stupid plot line. Bad movie. Bad.

0 out of 4.

Trapped In The Closet 1-12

Hooray, my 700th review, and a new chapter to my Milestone reviews! I promised about fifty review ago that my 700th review would be an indepth analysis of R. Kelly‘s Trapped In The Closet. This wouldn’t be the first time I promised something and didn’t fully deliver, so I am not too upset.

Basically, I had no idea how I wanted to write this review. As of right now, there are 33 chapters to this thing. If I actually wanted to do the real analysis, for all of it, it would be the longest thing I’ve wrote on here. TOO long. It would take a lot of time too, and well, I’d rather have all of these finished within 2 hours personally.

So I figure this will just be the first part of many for the Trapped In The Closet series. Videos have been (so far) released in four parts, but I figure dividing it into 3 is better.

Not to leave you poor saps hanging, here are links to the first 12 Chapters, in four parts. (Part 1, Part 2, Part 3, Part 4). You have 40 minutes? Watch this shit right now. Seen it before? Watch it again. I think it goes without saying that this will be FULL of Spoilers.

Trapped In The Closet Logo

Chapters 1-3…

The first five chapters set the entire series in motion as they were the original bundle. Not as many actors involved, but it keeps the rhythmic beat throughout it setting the tone for the rest of the Hip Hopera.

We get to meet Sylvester (Kelly) finding himself in a strange place, apparently having cheated on his wife with another woman Cathy (LeShay Tomlinson). Cathy, well, she cheated on her husband Rufus (Rolando Boyce) as well. Just a lot of people making bad decisions.

Like oversleeping. Kelly finds himself in the damn closet because the husband is home early, and knows what up. Too bad he finds Sylvester and Sylverster pulls out his gun! Guns solve problems of disputes, especially ones like this. But when Rufus reveals his secret that he has been cheating too, it just makes sense. The fact that it is with a dude, Chuck (Malik Middleton)? That is where the fan gets covered with shit. Sylverster is just stuck there, watching it all crumble. For whatever reason, even though he can easily leave, he chooses to watch it fall down. But eventually he gets sick of this shit, calls his home, and oh snap. A man picked up his phone!

Rufus
Even Priests can get mad. Rufus so mad.

Chapters 4-7…

Shit Sylvester. You better get home, now that you are super damn mad. But not speeding. That is ridiculous. Look at you, getting a speeding ticket in the middle of your song. Come on guy, fix your shit.

He gets home, and well, there is just his wife Gwendolyn (Cat Wilson). Who was that man? Apparently her brother Twan, whatever. So they have sex, Sylvester bitches out, cramped leg, but finds a condom. Oh snap, bitches be lyin’!

So after another argument, and realization that everyone in the world cheats on everyone, he gets to hear the bombshell. That cop that pulled him over was her lover! Whaaaaaaat!

Originally after that, the series was over, and after Chapter 5, the series takes a few new twists and lyrical turns.

For whatever reason, the cop (Michael Kenneth Williams) comes back and pulls out his gun. Recurring themes and all. They fight for awhile, and shoot a gun. Then there is some missleading awkwardness for half a song, not saying anything about it. Somehow, there is a wild Twan (Eric Lane) on the ground! But don’t worry, he was in prison. He is fine, they kick the cop out of the house, and oh shit, Rosy the Nosy Neighbor (LaDonna Tittle).

Rosy the nosy
With. A. Fucking. Spatula! In Her hand! How does that do anything about them guns!?

Chapters 8-11…

Well, now that THAT is all taken care of, everyone can be happy because everyone was cheated on. Let’s go see what the police officer is doing. Because Rosy isn’t exciting right now.

He gets home. OH SHIT HE HAS A WIFE TOO. SHE IS WHITE. A WHITE WIFE. A WHITE LITTLE BIT BIGGER WIFE. First white person of the series actually, and she is southern, despite it all being R. Kelly’s voice. Bridget (Rebecca Field) is all nervous too. Oh no, here we go again. SHE HAS BEEN CHEATING TOO.

EVERYONE IS CHEATING ON EVERYONE. SO MUCH SEX. But the man she cheated on him with is still in the house too, just not in the closet.

Good old copper finds the man under the sink. A midget. Bridget, with midget. A MIDGET. NAMED BIG MAN (Drevon Cooks). WHY? BECAUSE HE IS BLESSED.

So instead of working it out, people pull out guns. Bridget calls the random number she found in her husbands wallet, and hey look, its Gwen. So we get a big old Mexican stand off going on here. Not only that, but Bridget is pregnant. From the midget, not the cop.

This gets so crazy, they just leave right then and there. Fuck a resolution, let them handle their own shit. Twan and Sylverster can’t handle any of it.

Midget
Good old stripping midgets, knocking up the white women.

Chapter 12…

Fuck this chapter. No, seriously. By far the most pointless chapter in the series. Pointless and annoying to listen to. Did I mention pointless?

This whole chapter is a phone call between Cathy and Gwen. We found out they were friends, making Cathy even more of a bitch. The whole conversation is of the two talking about the shit that went down. Eventually Cathy realizes she was with Gwens husband, admits it, and that is it.

That. Is. IT! Then it was done, for two years. This lack of any sort of cliffhanger bullshit was how it ended for 2 whole years. It is just infuriating, given that we already knew everything in that chapter.

Gwendalyn
“Bitch, you were my friend!”

How can you describe a a movie as perfect as these 11 chapters with a shitty chapter tacked onto the end? Honestly, it is hard to describe it.

But if it does its duty, the tune will be stuck in your head for days. Maybe making your own rhymes to boot. Afterall, it was a pretty big deal. It got a South Park parody, and a Weird Al parody too. But even better, R. Kelly makes a fool of himself to make you laugh, and it works.

Just wait for part 2. Or watch them on your own on youtube. But in part 2, we get less cheating, and more fleshing out of characters. More new characters too, half of which are played by R. Kelly, channeling his inner Eddie Murphy.

Also, if you overall hate the first 12 chapters, you are literally Hitler.

3 out of 4.

Score: A Hockey Musical

Oh Candaa. The home and native land to many a hockey player. Shit, they invented the sport.

So it comes as no surprise to see that Score: A Hockey Musical eventually came to be. I mean fuck. It has two things I love. Musicals. And Hockey.

How can this love song to Canada be bad?

Hands
“I don’t know what to do with my hands.”

Well, his name is Farley Gordan (Noah Reid) and he is going to be the next Crosby. Just no one knows of him, because he has never played any sort of organized team play, just pond hockey with his friends. That is because his parents (Marc Jordan, Olivia Newton-John) are pretty strict liberalists. They have home schooled him his whole life, controlling all aspects, trying to raise him to be Gandhi.

But after a local minor league hockey team owner (Stephen McHattie) sees him play, he gets an offer to join the slightly big leagues! But anyone that knows the minor leagues knows that they are rough and dangerous. Farley is a frail kid, can he take a hit? Can he handle a fight? Can he score with professionals?

No. No he cant. He is a pacifist. The Moose (Dru Viergever), the teams goon cannot protect him. The coach (John Pyper-Ferguson) doesn’t want a sissy on his team, no matter how well he can score. Hell, even the ginger goalie (Chris Ratz) doesn’t approve.

Can Farley figure out how to survive in a fighting league? Can he earn respect? When will he realize his best friend Eve (Allie MacDonald) is more than a friend?!

Line Dancing
JUST HOW MUCH TEAM DANCING AND SINGING CAN I EXPECT?

Score may be one of the worst movies made in 2010. However, it easily transcends into “so bad it is good” territory, in my mind. The actual movie is very tongue-in-cheek. It is a movie that is a cheesy musical, while being aware that it is a cheesy musical. Hell, multiple lines sound a bit Whedon-like from his previous works.

The singing isn’t the best either. Newton-John didn’t even sound good, and some of the lyrics will make you cringe, mostly by throwing in too many words to make the rhyme work. But there /is/ some good singing. Allie MacDonald is actually a great singer. They had her sing a bit of Sometimes When We Touch, almost to tease her actual great singing voice, making it an even bigger joke. Noah Reid isn’t a bad singer either. The problem lies with the actual lyrics. Most of the lyrics are just song/spoke, that in between, and it just doesn’t sound the best.

But this movie has some real gems in terms of songs.

The song Pacifism’s Defense, where Farley tries to argue he shouldn’t have to fight, versus his whole team who disagrees. We get awkward manly time, dancing in the locker room, and some interesting rhymes.

The radio version of the finale, Hockey, The Greatest Game In The Land is hilarious in its catchy-ness and how it switches from hockey to just Canada in general.

Every good musical needs a ballet, and this one has one in the form of an bench clearing brawl. “Jab Jab, Hook Hook, Kidney Punch”. Hell, it also has cameos from Walter Gretzky and Theo Fleury.

I say if you are going to watch this movie, don’t take it too seriously, watch it to make fun of, and it will be good. On its own, yes, it is poorly acted and sung. But if you Give It A Shot, it might just make you proud to be a hockey fan. Or the opposite of that.

Tado
And yes, that is Nelly Furtado as rambuncious homer fan of a minor league hockey team.

3 out of 4.