Tag: Milestone Review

Hooray, review 800! Are you excited? Well, too bad. Because I am excited. Like normal, you can check out the rest of my Milestone reviews by clicking that link that I just provided.

Because Twilight is over, I have decided to go the “Movie So Awesome, it must be talked about in more than 500 words,” and this one was suggested by a reader.

Shoot ‘Em Up. Have you heard of it? You should have. It came out in 2007 and basically attempted to make one of the most over the top, most ridiculous, gun shooting based movie. More ridiculous than Smokin’ Aces even. Although this movie doesn’t feature a dead Ben Affleck. I also am going to give a lot of spoilers for this movie, but really, I doubt words and straight pictures will ruin the experience for you.

Let’s talk about Smith (Clive Owen). He really likes carrots.

If you don’t eat your vegetables kiddy. Or we might have to force you.

The movie begins with Smith sitting on a bench. A very pregnant woman (Ramona Pringle) runs by, panting heavily, and scared, and it becomes obvious she is being chased by a hitman off to kill her. That doesn’t seem fucking nice at all. So Smith kills him with that carrot. Fuckin’ A.

This freaks out the woman, who goes into labor. Too bad a SMALL ARMY OF PEOPLE attack the shit out of him. So he has to play doctor, easing her through the pregnancy, while shooting the bad guys. This is literally five minutes into the film.

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Seriously, eat the carrot. It will help your vision, and help you shoot people.

Well fuck, while breastfeeding, the mom gets shot in the head. By fucking Paul Giamatti, who really wants that baby dead. He even has a special pistol that requires a thumb print to fire, so do all of his men. That doesn’t help Smith, when he wants to use it. Unless he cuts off someone hand that is.

Oh yeah, this whole time he has a baby in his hands too, just trying to survive. Because they want the baby dead!

Babies are important. Why in this movie? We are not sure. Maybe he will grow up to be president?

Why is a gun better than a wife? Because you can put a silencer on a gun. Hyuck hyuck hyuck hyuck. Paul Giamatti is hilarious.

Either way, eventually Smith doesn’t give a shit anymore. He wants to get rid of the baby, deciding to just leave him in a park on one of those playground merry go round things. Well, they try to snipe the baby. Fuck. So he does what he has do, and SHOOTS THE FUCKING PLAYGROUND ROUNDABOUT THING to make it spin, so the baby can’t be sniped. What! What! What!

Yeah, fine, let’s get the baby, and let’s find a way to feed it. He needs milk.

“Fuck you, ya fucking fuckers”. Actual line during this scene.

To the brothel! Why? Because they have fetish stuff going on. Including a lactating whore. Donna Quintano (Monica Bellucci). Great, now the baby can survive later. I guess. In fact, she turns out to be double useful, hooking on the street to get some money to get the baby a bulletproof vest. Because why the fuck not.

Babies need protecting. Spoilers, they end up having sex later. Guess what? People attack them during it, but is Smith going to stop the sex? Hell no. He is going to finish, and shoot some bitches.

That was a double joke there. Talk about shooting your load.

They also go back to his normal hideout. Oh yeah, I am totally telling this out of order. Not even mad yo.

Well, it turns out they try to kill him there too. So he hides the baby and woman in the dumbwaiter. More deaths happen, but even more so, his entire staircase is full of people ready to take him out and he needs to get downstairs. How do you take them out? Dominoes? Nope. Too simple. You need a rope from the ceiling to the ground, you need to slide down that rope, and AK shoot everyone in a killer fucking spiral of doom.

That’s what you need to do.

This is like The Boondock Saints scene, but 23x greater.

They eventually find out the baby was part of some sort of genetic testing. Not a super soldier. But at least one man is supplying all the sperm. Kinky.

This is all wrapped up in a conspiracy of course. Maybe an anti-gun senator? Maybe going against Hammersmith (Stephen McHattie), a gun supplier? Either way, it will lead to a shootout in a gun factory. WHICH MEANS A SHIT TON OF GUNS FOR EVERYONE TO SHOOT. YEAHHHH.

But it would be too simple to just shoot all the guns. No, he needs to set gun booby traps, all attached by strings, letting him just take out everyone. DOES THIS MAKE ANY SENSE? NO? Well it shouldn’t. Because SHOOTING YEAH!

Not a relevant picture to this part of the plot.

I am running out of time. Here is a list of more ridiculous shit that happens in this movie.

A gun is used as an engagement ring.
Everything can be used as a weapon.
Babies are fucking doable.
A plane ride and an assassination.
A SKYDIVING SHOOTOUT.
And lets not forget shooting bullets out of your fingers by sticking your hand in flames.

Fucking fuck.

MORE CARROT BASED DEATHS. There are at least five.

Like I said above. Shoot ‘Em Up is one of the wildest movies I have ever seen. The action is always there, the one-liners are very one-liney, and the deaths start over the top and only escalate. There are no real normal deaths in this film, everything is ridiculous.

I don’t even have anything else to say. I described some stuff, you should see this thrill ride. It is more ridiculous than a video game.

Strange. For whatever reason, 750 is a sexier number than 700. Huh. Number talk?

Damn straight. This is my 750th Review! In less than two years as well. 750 means another Milestone Review! I could have waited a week and a half and let another Stephanie Meyer movie take the claim, but I am tired of it, and really, I couldn’t think of that many The Host Jokes. So instead, I went for something that is one of the most hated movies in the last few years, by one of the more hated directors in the last decade.

Oh yes. The Last Airbender by M. Night Shyamalan. The good news is that I have never seen Avatar: The Last Airbender cartoon, so I have nothing to compare it to. That means I can actually judge this movie on its own merits, and not have any previous misconceptions about how it will be! Hooray, honesty.

Here is what I know before watching (outside of the hatred from fans). I knew the children of M. Night loved the show, so he wanted to make this movie for them. He wanted to make a trilogy to tell the entire series, and he, again, was doing this for his kids. Shit, that should be reason enough to not fuck it up, right?

Movie for his kids. Has a kid in the movie. Works for me so far. Let me know more, M. Night!

Alright, complaint number one from the fanboys. White people. Apparently in the cartoon, everyone is some form of Asian, and that is that. Well, that makes sense from an anime thing. Personally, when I see anime, I see most people as White-ish, and I don’t think they care about it in Japan. BUT NO. THIS CARTOON AS ASIANS. THERE NEEDS TO BE ASIANS IN THIS MOVIE. OR ELSE IT IS BAD. Here is a picture showcasing its anger.

Hmm, I don’t get it.

Alright, so this is people overreacting about nothing. In fact, they are saying that M. Night Shyamalan, an asian man himself, is racist, for making certain lead roles white instead of Asian. In case you don’t understand that, I will state it in a different way. Groups of people are saying that certain roles can only be payed by people of Asian decent. If they are not Asian actors, they will hate and potentially boycott the movie.

Now which sounds more racist? Exactly. Fucking hypocrites.

“Get to the fucking review already, or else I am out of here!” – Loyal reader.

Alright, in this world, lets call it Asia, there are people called Benders. Wait wait wait. First there are four elements, like a traditionally old lame game or show. Of course they are Earth, Wind, Water, and Fire. Water is the bitch element, since there is no Heart. Benders are people who can control these elements and do fun magic like shit with them. They can create said element, but they can control it if its nearby. That makes Earth and Wind the shit in my book, theres always that stuff a round.

Then there is the mother fucking Avatar! He (or she?) can control all four elements, not just one. HE’S A MOTHERFUCKIN’ BADASS. He can do it all, hell yeah!

Too bad that asshole went and died or something, and now the Fire Nation ( a large group of fire benders) took over and went all asshat on everyone.

That’s right. We’re talking about you, you asshat!

Well, turns out the Avatar doesn’t die, he gets reborn. So there was a search to find the next kid who could Avatar it up. They have to be an air bender, I think, or something, and well, that is bad. So they killed all the air benders.

All of them. Except one.

And holy fuck I just got the title.

This is my mind now!

Either way, Katara (Nicola Peltz) and Sokka (Jackson Rathbone) are wandering around their Eskimo village, just hanging out. Katara is all water bending, Sokka all, I dunno, regular fighting? Well, they find a boy in a bubble. Kind of fucked up. Also this weird flying thing.

I don’t even know what the fuck this is.

Kid in a bubble, kind of weird. But hey, his name is Aang (Noah Ringer) and I am still not sure how to pronounce it. But hey, they are his responsibility. He wants to get back to some temple, and they just assume he be trippin. But then he is able to control wind. That is rare as fuck! OH MAN, DID HE ALSO CONTROL WATER? MAYBE? Not sure.

Oh hey. Fire nation attacks and totally steals him away. That sucks. Some Prince Zuko (Dev Patel) tests him and finds out he is the Avatar. Great! They’ve been looking for him, probably to kill him. So he escapes. Sad times.

He finds that flying beast and his two white friends, and runs away as fast as he can! Then he is in some Earth Bending place. They are all oppressed, not living up to their rock nature. He leads a revolt, and everyone loves him. Yay! But it turns out he is still a kid and not fully trained. Like. At all. He knows air stuff, and that is it. Water is the next to learn, he was just never taught before being frozen in ice. Whoops!

That’s right, this bitch can do something the Avatar cannot! Owned.

So they set off on a journey to some special water temple, so he can learn how to control water like a pimp. You see, it isn’t just a mind over matter thing. They have to dance around with their arms and legs, in a … dance like thing to control it in certain way. Kind of like elemental martial arts, because that’s how fights work in anime. But along the way, he leads a lot more revolts and everyone loves him. Everyone, but the fire temple guys.

They are so mad (and also realize whats happening) that they are going to meet him at the water place. Meet him with a HUGE FUCKING ARMY.

Okay, here is like 10 people. But the ships have more!

Big war happens! Some Princess Yue (Seychelle Gabriel) chick has awesome blue eyes and some sort of special power. The heads of the fire nation are super super mad. We’re talking Commander Zhao (Aasif Mandvi) and Fire Lord Ozai (Cliff Curtis) mad. Do you know how mad that is? Because I don’t. Fire Lord sounds petty dang serious though.

Sounds bad. BUT THIS IS A FUCKING TRILOGY. A rated PG trilogy, but still, there is supposed to be two more of these! So of course Avatar guy figures out water powers during the attack, is amazing as fuck at them, and rapes everyone in the face. With water.

It is a serious description for a serious scene.

Then you know, it ends the main bad guy defeated, and some chick ready to take his place.

You thought I’d show the chick? To bad.

Conclusion:

Hey, this story is pretty neat!

Not necessarily the movie execution. That was bad. I was fine with the pretty colors early on, but that faltered eventually. Honestly, everyone looked ridiculous in these fight scenes, doing random martial arts at each other, but not really fighting because its all elemental base. I mean, it could be cool, but it wasn’t that cool in the movie.

I understood that it was going to be a trilogy, but (and listen to me closely EVERYTHING), trilogies can be made of movies that still tell a complete story and don’t just punch you in the nuts. This complete story was what, dude learning about water and defeating one guy? No, the overarching goal is still there and I am disappointed. I want more. I feel like it’s not complete. Fuck. No one complains about Star Wars A New Hope because it is a story of a guy trying to be a Jedi, not like, save everything. He saves some things, but he completes his goal and we get a full fucking movie. This just leaves you like a fish out of water. Flopping around, waiting to die.

Again, the story sounds great. If anything, watching this movie is going to make me watch the cartoon (which should be one of the main two goals of fans of the cartoon from this movie to achieve. The other being a decent story I guess) and then I can comment on how much the movie got wrong from his source. But I am used to that. Just like movies from books, movies from cartoons will be different.

And they better be! I don’t want rehashing damn it. Tell me new stories.

But really, this movie isn’t as bad as the hype. It’s people being mad at the director for other things he has done, mad that it doesn’t 100% match the source, and arguing about the least important thing in acting (theater and move), the race of the person playing a role. Come on, this is the 21st century. We have a black president! That shouldn’t matter. When I saw The Lion King broadway, the kid Simba was black, but when he turned adult Simba, he was white. Was it hilarious? Yes. But it was also completely acceptable.

Still though. It could have been better.

Hooray, my 700th review, and a new chapter to my Milestone reviews! I promised about fifty review ago that my 700th review would be an indepth analysis of R. Kelly‘s Trapped In The Closet. This wouldn’t be the first time I promised something and didn’t fully deliver, so I am not too upset.

Basically, I had no idea how I wanted to write this review. As of right now, there are 33 chapters to this thing. If I actually wanted to do the real analysis, for all of it, it would be the longest thing I’ve wrote on here. TOO long. It would take a lot of time too, and well, I’d rather have all of these finished within 2 hours personally.

So I figure this will just be the first part of many for the Trapped In The Closet series. Videos have been (so far) released in four parts, but I figure dividing it into 3 is better.

Not to leave you poor saps hanging, here are links to the first 12 Chapters, in four parts. (Part 1, Part 2, Part 3, Part 4). You have 40 minutes? Watch this shit right now. Seen it before? Watch it again. I think it goes without saying that this will be FULL of Spoilers.

Chapters 1-3…

The first five chapters set the entire series in motion as they were the original bundle. Not as many actors involved, but it keeps the rhythmic beat throughout it setting the tone for the rest of the Hip Hopera.

We get to meet Sylvester (Kelly) finding himself in a strange place, apparently having cheated on his wife with another woman Cathy (LeShay Tomlinson). Cathy, well, she cheated on her husband Rufus (Rolando Boyce) as well. Just a lot of people making bad decisions.

Like oversleeping. Kelly finds himself in the damn closet because the husband is home early, and knows what up. Too bad he finds Sylvester and Sylverster pulls out his gun! Guns solve problems of disputes, especially ones like this. But when Rufus reveals his secret that he has been cheating too, it just makes sense. The fact that it is with a dude, Chuck (Malik Middleton)? That is where the fan gets covered with shit. Sylverster is just stuck there, watching it all crumble. For whatever reason, even though he can easily leave, he chooses to watch it fall down. But eventually he gets sick of this shit, calls his home, and oh snap. A man picked up his phone!

Even Priests can get mad. Rufus so mad.

Chapters 4-7…

Shit Sylvester. You better get home, now that you are super damn mad. But not speeding. That is ridiculous. Look at you, getting a speeding ticket in the middle of your song. Come on guy, fix your shit.

He gets home, and well, there is just his wife Gwendolyn (Cat Wilson). Who was that man? Apparently her brother Twan, whatever. So they have sex, Sylvester bitches out, cramped leg, but finds a condom. Oh snap, bitches be lyin’!

So after another argument, and realization that everyone in the world cheats on everyone, he gets to hear the bombshell. That cop that pulled him over was her lover! Whaaaaaaat!

Originally after that, the series was over, and after Chapter 5, the series takes a few new twists and lyrical turns.

For whatever reason, the cop (Michael Kenneth Williams) comes back and pulls out his gun. Recurring themes and all. They fight for awhile, and shoot a gun. Then there is some missleading awkwardness for half a song, not saying anything about it. Somehow, there is a wild Twan (Eric Lane) on the ground! But don’t worry, he was in prison. He is fine, they kick the cop out of the house, and oh shit, Rosy the Nosy Neighbor (LaDonna Tittle).

With. A. Fucking. Spatula! In Her hand! How does that do anything about them guns!?

Chapters 8-11…

Well, now that THAT is all taken care of, everyone can be happy because everyone was cheated on. Let’s go see what the police officer is doing. Because Rosy isn’t exciting right now.

He gets home. OH SHIT HE HAS A WIFE TOO. SHE IS WHITE. A WHITE WIFE. A WHITE LITTLE BIT BIGGER WIFE. First white person of the series actually, and she is southern, despite it all being R. Kelly’s voice. Bridget (Rebecca Field) is all nervous too. Oh no, here we go again. SHE HAS BEEN CHEATING TOO.

EVERYONE IS CHEATING ON EVERYONE. SO MUCH SEX. But the man she cheated on him with is still in the house too, just not in the closet.

Good old copper finds the man under the sink. A midget. Bridget, with midget. A MIDGET. NAMED BIG MAN (Drevon Cooks). WHY? BECAUSE HE IS BLESSED.

So instead of working it out, people pull out guns. Bridget calls the random number she found in her husbands wallet, and hey look, its Gwen. So we get a big old Mexican stand off going on here. Not only that, but Bridget is pregnant. From the midget, not the cop.

This gets so crazy, they just leave right then and there. Fuck a resolution, let them handle their own shit. Twan and Sylverster can’t handle any of it.

Good old stripping midgets, knocking up the white women.

Chapter 12…

Fuck this chapter. No, seriously. By far the most pointless chapter in the series. Pointless and annoying to listen to. Did I mention pointless?

This whole chapter is a phone call between Cathy and Gwen. We found out they were friends, making Cathy even more of a bitch. The whole conversation is of the two talking about the shit that went down. Eventually Cathy realizes she was with Gwens husband, admits it, and that is it.

That. Is. IT! Then it was done, for two years. This lack of any sort of cliffhanger bullshit was how it ended for 2 whole years. It is just infuriating, given that we already knew everything in that chapter.

“Bitch, you were my friend!”

How can you describe a a movie as perfect as these 11 chapters with a shitty chapter tacked onto the end? Honestly, it is hard to describe it.

But if it does its duty, the tune will be stuck in your head for days. Maybe making your own rhymes to boot. Afterall, it was a pretty big deal. It got a South Park parody, and a Weird Al parody too. But even better, R. Kelly makes a fool of himself to make you laugh, and it works.

Just wait for part 2. Or watch them on your own on youtube. But in part 2, we get less cheating, and more fleshing out of characters. More new characters too, half of which are played by R. Kelly, channeling his inner Eddie Murphy.

Also, if you overall hate the first 12 chapters, you are literally Hitler.

Holy shit. There have been 300 movie reviews on my website since I last did a Twilight movie, Breaking Dawn Part 1. I might as well link Twilight, New Moon, Eclipse too, even though they are tagged as Milestone Reviews now. In case you need to catch up, that is! Obviously this review and the others are chock full of spoilers, I am going to say everything. If you care about that shit, don’t read.

That is right, I had to time my movie watching the last month and a half to make sure I got to see Twilight: Breaking Dawn Part 2 at the midnight release, and review it right away for the big 650. This is the only Twilight movie I have seen in theaters, the others I saw alone in the solace of my room, where no one can judge me. But nope. Today was Twilight day, complete with collectors cup.

Proof, least someone call me out on mendacity.

Since you all automatically care about what I care about when reading my reviews, I can give you the unfortunate news. They have been slowly squeezing Anna Kendrick out of these movies, and I can tell you now she does not have a single scene in the finale. However, in the credits, they do a “whole series” credits, and a scene with her at the wedding from part 1 was shown when they showed her name. That is all. If you need to see Anna Kendrick, march on over to the fabulous movies End Of Watch or Pitch Perfect, you will get a lot of her.

“Why aren’t you talking about me? I’m actually in this movie. Do you SEE these hands?”

Bella (Kristen Stewart)! She opened her eyes! Bitch is a vampire now! She was only dead for two days, so it wasn’t entirely weird. However she is super strong now, and craves blood. Like all newbies, she will find that shit insatiable, and if there is a bleeding human nearby she will bleed them dry. So Edward (Robert Pattinson) takes her far from civilization and her kid to hunt a deer.

Too bad she finds a human anyways. And well, on her first try? Totally stops the urge. Oh okay, well, that was one problem dealt with, kind of instantly.

What gave her the even more super strength? Well, fuck you, that’s what.

Anyways, she wants to see her kid damn it. With the entirely ridiculous name of Renesmee. But something is different. In two days she has grown a bit (and looks incredibly CGI fake for some reason. But she doesn’t noticed that). Not to mention Jacob (Taylor Lautner) is STILL hanging around despite the death thing. What the fuck Jacob, go home? Wait Bella, you wanted him around when you were dying, why you so mad?

Oh, because your daughter in fetus form wanted Jacob around? And now that he FUCKING IMPRINTED ON HER, bonding them together forever, he doesn’t want to leave either. DUDE, she is a baby! They make sure we know it doesn’t mean like, sex, but still, what? Come on Jacob. She is like, 3. Three days.

“And your next gift is wrapped up in my trousers.”

Turns out Bella is really good at Vampiring. Natural, pretty convenient for the plot movement, I do say. But what about her dad? They have to pretend she died and THEN move again, or else he might stop by and see her. All very sketch, but it has to be done, or else you know, their secret could be let lose.

Well, pouty Jacob face doesn’t like that. So he does what any good godfather (maybe? Let’s say sure, it is less creepy) would do. Give us our gratuitous shirt taking off scene and transform into a (Were)wolf in front of the dad (Billy Burke) to bring him into the fold. Aww, how sweet.

I mean, clearly that was the best option. No, he doesn’t explain vampires. Just kind of transforms and tells him to deal with it.

But then there is another problem. Remember that baby? That was formed and birthed in like four weeks? Turns out she is still growing at a fast rate. Really fast. After a few months she looks like she is six. She can also pass on memories to other people that she sees, pretty cool, kind of weird, but hey, we don’t judge shitty powers here. Speaking of shitty powers, Bella gets one too (other than self control over eating humans). She can block mental powers and other powers. Only on her self, and always, but hey, if she tries hard enough she might be able to give it to others.

Either way, while frolicking in the winter time, Irina (Maggie Grace), still upset over the wolves eating her mean lover from that first or second movie, hard to tell, sees the child and immediately thing it is an immortal child. A vampire, bitten at a young age, before they can control their shit, which can cause all the pain in the world. Take down cities in a tantrum. She would know, her mom made her sister an immortal child, and lots of heads were cut off and babies burned as a result. Serious shit. So she tells on them to the Italian vampires, and they don’t like the sound of that!

The caption two pictures ago was referring to Jacob’s penis.

Well fuck. They are serious, and hate that shit. So they plan on killing the child and those who made it. You know, eventually. The next time it snows or something, because snow fights are sexy.

But that isn’t a problem. They just have to prove that she isn’t immortal, and they will go away. Well, apparently these people are jerks and will find another excuse to kill a vampire once they make up their mind. Oh okay, well the next best solution is for them to travel the world and visit all of that one guys old friends. If they come see the child, see her grow, they will have witnesses that she is alive and growing. Kind of weird, but definitely not an immortal child. Then there can be happiness!

Happiness and potential racism.

Sure, it also looks like they have a mini army too, especially with the wolves on their side now (always down to kill the vamps, yo). But they lost some numbers, Alice (Ashley Greene), their future sight person has left and no one knows why. Oh well, if for some reason the Italians still don’t care, they are now willing to fight back. If that shit hits the fan, Jacob will just take Renesmee and run far away forever, and everyone else will die. Peachy!

Well, snow falls, so it is time for a standoff. Literally. They then talk for a long ass time. The main guy (Michael Sheen) can touch people and see their memories. So he does that, and well, seriously, they are all telling the truth. Oh well, so he kills the bitch for lying. Now he is just trying to egg on the good guys. Nothing is working though, and he really wants to kill a kid today. Dang it.

So he gives a speech on why the unknown is bad, because humans have bombs, so they should kill anyways. But wait, Alice returns (and she was only gone for two paragraphs in my retelling!). Now he can look into her memories, to see the future and prove that she won’t later be a threat.

Well. Uhh. He doesn’t care. He doesn’t care about the truth, he just really wants to kill a kid. So you know what that means.

Fight time, yeahhhhhhhhhhhh!

Heads. Fucking. Roll. This overtly ridiculous fight scene happens, and Jacob runs away with the child. The best way to kill a vampire seems to be beheading and burning, and boy do we see some decapitations. It’s like Oprah was giving them away. You will be shocked at who dies. So many good guys, and bad guys. Remember Dakota Fanning? She was evil or something, didn’t speak much. She got defaced hard.

Hell, the Earth ended up getting ripped open, so we could see the Magma! So many vampires were burning. With the power of teamwork and tossing a girl mid kick, they were able to beat the Italians and behead them all.

Or did they? Seriously. Big spoiler about to happen. Calm your tits and get out of here if you don’t want to know.

None of that happens. Fuck you. It was all part of Alice’s future vision. Well shit, that guy doesn’t want to die. If he can see the future and know he is going to die, certain retreat seems like a good idea, even if he can’t explain why.

“LOLOLOL JK GUYS, lets leave. For seriously.”

Yep. Not only that, but Alice found another half immortal person. Luckily enough, he only aged for about 7 years, making him look middle aged, and then he has been immortal ever since. Been alive for 150 years, and isn’t a child. Well that is super convenient. If only Jacob could live forever, because then he’d get to have a lot of weird ass wolfman, half vampire, pedophile like fucking in his future.

Annnd movie. Yes, they didn’t actually solve their biggest problems, just delayed it. But no worries, Alice saw the future. They are good to go.

They also fixed the sparkle in the sun thing. Well, they didn’t say that in the movie. But I mean, they aren’t sparkling here in the final scene of the movie. I doubt they’d forget that aspect of the vampires at the last moment. Right? Right?

And there you have it! The twilight franchise is now done, until they reboot it in a few years. Pretty exciting right?

I think I already made this twice as long as my normal big reviews, which is strange, because the stuff in this movie was only half of the book, yet had so much material. My biggest complaints in the first movies was not the bad acting, but the lack of content. I would have ended the first movie like, halfway through book two. Would have made a more logical stopping point, and I think two would have ended at the end of three. Hard to remember anymore. Especially since Eclipse felt like a filler in between them saying “Hey lets get married” and them finally getting married.

But holy fuck, I think I actually found myself interested in the actions of this movie. First off, it was funnier. Jacob provided more humor relief, and not just because of all the pedophile tendencies. The fight scenes were a lot more entertaining and graphic. Even though most of them turned out to be fake in the end, which made me SO FUCKING PISSED OFF.

WHAT, WHY WOULD YOU DO THAT COP OUT? Also not to mention fixing the “Oh no, our daughter is aging super quickly, but no worries, she will stop at the great age and be amazing” part in like 2 seconds at the end. Cookie cutter that ending yo.

Despite that rage. I still overall found it more enjoyable. Maybe I am just a rambling lunatic at this point. But it was nice that they included their romance, with out 40 minutes of wedding and honeymoon awkwardness. Including more werewolf personalities. Making me actually learn more vampire names. Having stereotype characters. I was fine with most of that.

So all in all, I would say that the movie (which I am told matched the book pretty well) was actually a good ending to the series. The problem with the series is that there are still four movies before this one before you find something kind of entertaining enough to pay attention too.

Hey look at that, here we are with 600 reviews for the Website. Pretty snazzy I must say.

Normally here is where I list my other milestone reviews, but fuck that, I realized just tagging them all as Milestone Review was a way easier idea. Because my best milestone review at 500 was Clash of the Titans, basically what this website ends up alluding to, I figured a nice tribute was to do its sequel, Wrath of the Titans for 600!

This bad boy will also spoil the whole thing, so that’s important, you know, if you actually care about this movie.

“I care about spoilers! Don’t let them know what becomes of me!”

Ten years after the death of the Kraken, Perseus (Sam Worthington) is just hanging out. He has a son, ten year old boy, but he is a widow because Io went out and died on him. Oh well, being a demi-god is rough I guess, but he don’t care. Not until his dad Zeus (Liam Neeson) shows up being all fucking morbid.

Apparently no one gives shits about the gods. This lack of devotion is causing their world to come undone. If no one cares about them, all they have created will cease to be. Tartarus (a afterlife prison) has its walls coming down and that can be bad! But Perseus has zero fucks to give.

“Yep, I checked the charts. We are lost, and no fucks at all around.”

But Zeus (who no longer has that bitch ass glow going on) goes to Tartarus, and brings with him Poseidon (Danny Huston), Hades (Ralph Fiennes), and his son Ares (Edgar Ramirez).

Turns out Hades is still pissed off from last time, and totally kills Poseidon and injures Zeus. Ares feels like now is a good time to betray his dad, and helps Hades! Since they are kicking ass, they decide to become immortal by draining Zeus of all his power and give it to Kronos, who Zeus defeated way long ago. Somehow this plan works, and can’t possibly fuck up.

Aww, he is just a magician clearly. Needs to work on his ninja escape dust though.

OH FUCK MONSTERS ROAM THE WORLD NOW. AND A CHIMERA COMES OUT OF NO WHERE AND ATTACKS PERSEUS.

Well, that was easy. Chimera are the bitches of the monster world.

Because Perseus has no idea whats up, he tries to ask his dad, but you know. Prisoner. Thankfully Poseidon, with his last breath tells Perseus what is up. Not good things of course. Gives him a cool trident though. Tells him to find his son Agenor (Toby Kebbell). Because his son can help him find Hephaestus (Bill Nighy). Why Hephaestus? Because he knows the way to Tartarus. Seems complicated. Oh well.

Why not go steal Agenor from Andromeda (Rosamund Pike). Easy enough, hell, she will join too and bring soldiers. Eventually they get to an island, where they are attacked by Cyclops!

“And I kill all the humans and eat them for dinner, right? Right?”

Turns out they eventually find Hephaestus. Crazy right? Well, they realize that the three weapons of Hades/Zeus/Poseidon can be combined to form a spear, and that is the only thing that can kill Kronos. Pretty weird, but alright. Looks like time to collect shit. Or just go to Tartarus and find the other two pieces just hanging out. I’m sure Ares won’t try to stop them and fuck some shit up.

Andromeda doesn’t like it when people jinx situations.

Minotaurs die, and look, Tartarus! That was overall pretty easy. Too bad Kronos is about to bust out and fuck up all the shit. The only saving grace is Zeus apologizing to Hades for putting him in the Underworld. Aww, shucks, that is all he really wanted an apology. Too bad Ares is still a bitch, and he totally kills Zeus, and everyone teleports out of the area because Kronos is scary.

But with 2/3 of the spear, Perseus prays to Ares to challenge him to a one on one fight, so he can get back Zeus’ thunderbolt. While this is going on, Kronos’ demonic army of Mikhai are ravaging the planes and generally kicking everyone in the army’s ass.

I think all those limbs give them an advantage. And being demons.

Thanks to using his son as bait, Perseus is able to eventually kill Ares. Kind of serious, but hey, whatever. At that same time, Hades decides to give up his immortality to revive his brother Zeus, and Zeus looks young and stylish. Too bad Hades is old. And both of them are now mortal. Oh well, still got cool powers. So they help drive back the demon army.

“Bitch, I’m fabulous!” – Zeus

Yadda yadda, spear is made. Zeus sacrifices himself again to save Hades, so he can slowly start to die. Perseus rides off into the sunset — wait no, that is Kronos, my bad. He rides off into Kronos and destroys him with a glowing spear. Yay the father of the gods is dead!

Too bad so are all the rest of the gods. Man, Zeus is about to die, Hades is now old and mortal, Poseidon is gone, Ares. Everyone left sucks. Apparently the time of the gods is over naturally, and now maybe demigods can rule the world? Perseus gets it on with Andromeda, and decides to train his son to be a fighter, you know, because they have to deal with their own problems, and the titans that are about to start rising up again, since they are no longer imprisoned.

If I was Kronos in this situation, I would have sprayed Perseus with magma. Yep. Sucks to suck Kronos.

So, I had some big complaints about the first movie. The action, all of it, I just found boring. The look of it all felt wrong. Way too much CGI, not enough realism. Shitty glow of the gods. Well this movie actually fixed a lot of my complaints.

Obviously, the gods don’t have that glow. Easy fix, now they look better.

Better CGI use? I’d say so. The battle with the chimera felt kind of cheesy, but less green screeny. Overall the movie was a lot less just “Always brown”, because the last film had tons of desert. So visually it was better.

Better action? I’d say so. The final fight between Perseus and Ares felt real, two powerful men slugging it out. None of the fights in this film were every “whole bunch of people versus things far too big for them” like the damn crabs in the last movie. A lot more close fights. The giant ass Kronos vs everyone isn’t a real fight either, since it is more of a “just die and stall until the spear is made” tactic, and not an actual battle they think they can win.

Despite the fact that I truly think this is a better movie than Clash, I still wasn’t entirely entertained. It improved though, and might be worth a watch. But when TNT starts to show it in the future, I know I won’t just sit back and watch.

Hooray 550th review! Err. Okay. Not actually an important milestone, but every 50 seems like a good enough reason for me to do a special longer movie. (Like Twilight 1, 2, 3, 4a, High School Musical (and spinoff), Dark Knight, and Clash Of The Titans).

Recently I finally finished the Saw franchise, and the last four films of the series fit my time frame for reviews. But that’d be weird to review just 4-7 right? Sure, why not. Although it is kind of like 2 trilogies, and a “bonus overall movie connecting even more shit” together. Needless to say, there are tons of spoilers. If you want to know, yes watch the first one at least, it is the best. After that

Let The Games Begin!

Fuck your horror genre. That is what the first Saw said. It begins with Adam (Leigh Whannell) waking up in a tub full of water! It is a dark medical (?) room, and also features a Dr. Lawrence Gordon (Cary Elwes), chained to the wall. Oh, Adam is chained to the wall too. But once they get light on, hey look, dead guy in the middle of the floor. Apparently he shot himself instead of dying to some poison.

Lawrence’s game is to kill Adam before 6pm, or else he loses his wife and kid. They realize they are now victims of the “Jigsaw” killer, some new serial killer who sets victims up in deadly games to fight for survival. They eventually find some hacksaws, that are not strong enough to go through their chains. Nope, have to go through their bones /feet to get out.

As You Wish…

At the same time, we have the crime parts of the story. Try to separate them by a picture!
Detective David Tapp (Danny Glover) and Detective Steven Sing (Ken Leung) are trying to find this guy, and investigating people. Like the Doctor, a victim who escaped, and others. Eventually find a warehouse, and hey, booby traps. Steven Sing totally gets dead.

Also, the whole time it seems that Jigsaw is the one holding Lawrence’s family hostage. Nope. Dude “dead” (Tobin Bell) in the middle of the floor, Jigsaw the whole time, fucking with him. Lawrence escapes (despite losing a lot of blood), and shot but did not kill Adam. Jigsaw/John then locks the door to the room, leaving Adam in the dark and chained there, trapped forever. Fucking creepy. Also, watch out Lawrence!!

THEY ARE BACK. But this time, there is a house of horrors set up with eight people, who have an hour to find the antidotes to a nerve gas being sprayed throughout the house. If they don’t they die, simple. Also other ways to die in this house easily, especially on retrieving the antidote. But wait, is that Amanda (Shawnee Smith)? Yep! The one person to have survived a test from Jigsaw is put into another test. That sucks.
Not only that, but there is a damn kid in there too!

Turns out I have to show gross pictures with this franchise. Don’t do drugs kids!

That kid being the son of Detective Eric Matthews (Donnie Wahlberg), who just lead a SWAT team to find Tobin Bell. He refuses to go with them, but no resistance, and tells him that he just wants him to sit and talk with him for an hour. While the house game is being played, with cameras, of course.

Eventually Eric loses it, thinks he finds his son, but nope. Empty house. That shit took place earlier in the day, and he only thought it was still happening! His son was locked up with Jigsaw the whole time! Amanda was a double agent! Eric is now trapped to die! Fuck!

<--rage dude. This time, Jigsaw has a more specific set of tasks for his victim. Jeff (Angus Macfadyen) is a dude mad because his son died, and got little to no help to deal with it. Jigsaw places him in a meat packing plant, and has him come across people who affected the death of his son, whether they didn’t testify in court, bad judges, or the actual killer. He has the chance to save each person, but it is up to him.

Also, Lynn (Bahar Soomekh), is in the same place, but has a shotgun necklace around he neck. She has to keep Jigsaw alive, from his tumor. If he dies, she dies. If she tries to leave, she dies. She can’t leave until Jeff finishes. Amanda is there to make sure shit goes according to plan.

Brain surgery, serious business, but easy to do with bullets around your neck.

Eric actually escaped from his prison at the beginning of the film. Maybe. Other cops are in this movie, but they are more important next film. Lets just say one of them dies. Also it is unusual to note that someone passed a task early on in the film, but the door was welded shut, making survival impossible. A big change from the normal games, kind of fucked up. (Severely fucked up, actually).

But more importantly, Amanda won’t let Lynn leave! She shoots Lynn, which Jeff sees and shoots Amanda! Turns out Lynn and Jeff were married, and Amanda “failed” her test to follow Jigsaw’s orders. Who dies. HE DIES? THE THIRD MOVIE IN HE DIES? WHAT IN THE FUCK? Sounds dumb, but let’s see what happens. Jeff is now stuck in a different room, with three dead bodies. Awkward.

The cops are now more important, so they get top status! Mark Hoffman (Costas Mandylor) finds a tape recorder (protected) in Jigsaw’s stomach. He is definitely dead. He is told he too will be tested. Just not yet.

Lt. Daniel Rigg (Lyriq Bent) is our fun victim now. Totally in the last movie too, along with Mark. They realize that there is no way Amanda or John could have set up a cop who died in the last film, so someone else must be working on it. Agent Peter Strahm (Scott Patterson) believes Rigg is at fault. But that is just racism.

Rigg is abducted at his own home, and put in a city wide game. He has to figure out clues, go from building to building to “realize” how Jigsaw works, and get in the right state of mind. Most importantly, he has 90 minutes to do it, or else Eric (from movie two yes), and Mark (From above) will both be killed. Rigg himself has it easy. Agent Lindsey Perez (Athena Karkanis) and Peter are following the trail, trying to catch up. She totally gets blasted during this shit.

The first saw trap. Too bad this movie wasn’t called Machete.

Who isn’t as important yet? Jigsaw’s wife. Jill Tuck (Betsy Russell) was pregnant, and had Jigsaw’s baby. Pre Jigsaw, when he was just John. She was a nurse. But forced miscarriage thanks to a robber junkie, who Jigsaw felt the need to punish (above). The famous puppet was meant for his son. Sad.

The two detectives are also trying to figure out what she knows, which is apparently nothing. Rigg was supposed to learn to slow down and not rush into things, but nope. He does. He ends up setting off the trap to kill both Eric and Mark. Or does he?

But then?! Mark gets up and frees himself, not dead! What?! He leaves Rigg to die, and goes on, because he was the accomplice. Also, that autopsy? Takes place after the events in the film. Whoops. Also that Peter guy thought he was in the right spot, but was actually in the same building as Jeff from film 3. Peter shoots Jeff in confusion, whoops.

Getting confused yet? Too bad.

This time the special trap is arranged for five people (in the fifth Saw film, crazy!). They are all chained at the neck and attached to the same rope. Blades behind them, keys ahead of them. One minute timer, who will survive? Turns out four of them. These people, connected by a burning building, are mostly corrupt people, but not entirely bad. I mean, Brit (Julie Benz) is one of them after all.

They have to go through the traps, where one person at a time ends up having to be killed.

Wow, some of these people are actually famous!

Detective wise? Some weird shit. Way too many flashbacks. Needless to say, Peter thinks Mark is the accomplice. Trying to gather proof, Mark sets it up to make it look like Peter did it instead. They do a lot of back and forth shady shit, but Mark totally convinces everyone. Then Peter accidentally lets Mark escape (thinking it a trap) and gets caught and dies himself, so that Mark can run away free.

Also the five people? They were morons. The traps could have been completed just as easily with zero deaths, if they had thought a bit more. All it did was make the final test of getting 10 pints of blood with saws with 2 people much harder than with 5. (I thought all the non five people plot was dumb in this one, by the way. Too many flash backs and bullshit).

Fuck big time insurance companies! This is a film with a message! William Eastbridge (Peter Outerbridge) runs one of them, and didn’t approve of a Norwegian test for Jigsaw to take for Cancer. Jigsaw didn’t like him choosing who lives or dies, so he set up a test…doing just that. He is pitted against his own employees who work for him, and has to help save them while hurting himself potentially. Including the famous scene of the six interns, strapped to a spinning wheel, with a shotgun. He can only save up to two, and if he takes some pain to do it. All while they plead to save them too.

Chat Roulette, in real life. 4 out of 6 will get paired up with a dick (killed), the other 2, friendly strangers (life).

Lot of more crime bullshit. Everyone thinks Peter did it now. Except Lindsey, who was Peter’s partner in Saw 4. She totally didn’t die, secrets! Mark receives instructions from Jill, that she got from Jigsaw’s will, to kill some more people. But the cops are on to him, and note the recording is different and are able to to figure out who the new voice was. So he kills them all. Fuck those guys. Fuck em. But Jill was told by her husband to kill Mark, ending it all. He gets reverse bear trapped, and survives, despite not having a real way too. Tears his cheek though.

And insurance dude? The people watching it were supposed to be his “family”, but it turns out the family we saw were people who lost their dad/husband over one of his decisions, and the family was just his sister. They decide his fate, and yeah, they mad.

It’s finally over right! Nope. Because Mark survived. What in the fuck fuck. Mark is mad, wants to go after Jill.

Turns out there is a group of people who meet to talk about surviving Jigsaw’s puzzles. So we see some people from the past, including Dr. Lawrence, whats up cripple! We get to see how he escaped without his foot. This is all lead by Bobby (Sean Patrick Flanery), a liar. He claims to have escaped from a puzzle, but its all a lie to be a grief counselor and make money.

Well Mark captures him of course. Puts him through a trial, where he has to save his friends and agent and lover. But he fucks some shit up, saves like no one, and can’t even pass the same test he claimed to have conquered in his speeches.

Oh no, they got the Boondock Saints now too!?

Mark is trying to end all this shit now. Especially because Jill went into police custody, to rat him out for protection. He tries to burn up all of his evidence, and leads the SWAT team on a trap to actually break into police head quarters to kill everyone in his path to Jill. Who he reverse bear traps as well, but this time, it works! Yay, Mark is now off scott free. Until people in masks capture him too.

Hey look, how he is chained to the wall, where the first Saw film took place. Oh what’s that, Dr. Lawrence was ALSO working with Jigsaw the whole time after escape? I guess that makes some sense, they needed a doctor for some of that crazy surgery shit. Either way, he decides to not leave him the hacksaw, and leaves him to die, stuck in the room, starving to death in the dark. How dare he fuck with Jigsaw’s wife.

Did I talk enough about this? In case you didn’t know, this shit is torture porn.

I thought the first film was brilliant, the second film had some moments, and the third one was confusing and dumb. Killing off the main killer left us with shitty twist accomplice story lines, and made him seem like an Omnipotent figure who could plan all this shit out. I say bull to that.

The crime figuring it out stuff was a mess, because it felt like they just kept throwing new characters at me to learn and forget. The sixth movie was dreadful, because it was too full of messages. “I don’t like how you decided who lives or dies, so I am going to make you decide who lives or dies”. I was very upset when traps started having lose/lose scenarios, with no chance of survival. But that was all that dick Mark’s fault, who didn’t follow Jigsaw at all.

But hey, at least Cary Elwes came back!

And you know, wasn’t killed by the Dread Pirate Roberts.

Hooray! Review 500!

FIVE HUNDRED. That is actually significant. Kind of like the first review, or 100th. 500 is such a nice number, so I have to do my most speicalist review ever. I have to review the movie, that is a remake, of my websites name sake.

Clash Of The Titans came out in 2010, and was supposed to be a big event, after all, the original Clash of the Titans was still talked about at that point, and was a big event back then.

But even back then, everyone knew the original movie was kind of shitty. Bad special effects, plot, was just super silly. So of course the best idea ever would be to remake it with the SAME plot, but instead of bad special effects, we will very expensive bad CGI effects. WHAT A GREAT IDEA! Honestly, I thought the effects in the movie were so bad, I couldn’t tell the pictures between the two movies apart, so I might end up using some of the old one “accidentally”.

Hopefully by now you realized that my logo of “Watching shitty movies so you don’t have to” and relating it to Gorgons, is that if you watch bad movies, you might turn to stone. And I am saying Clash of the Titans is a bad movie.

Just ask Liam Neeson as Zeus. That is him right?

Blah blah blah, Hades (Ralph Fiennes) is a bad guy in this movie, because for some reason the ruler of the Underworld means bad person. Of course he was also “tricked” into ruling the Underworld by Zeus and Poseidon, so really any anger he has in those context seems justified.

Either he accepted the Underworld and is a decent god like the rest, or he was tricked in to there by his dick brothers, and thus wants to fuck things up from time to time. I don’t see how either makes him a bad dude. But hey, maybe there is a secret reason he is pissed off.

“Jizz! Jizz everywhere! Ahhh!!!”

Anyways, Baby Perseus (Sam Worthington) is found floating in a river, very Moses-esque, and raised by a different family. Eventually said family village gets fucked up, thanks to people not believing in the gods. Hmm, also Moses-esque. So everyone dies besides him, and he goes to another kingdom. They hate the gods there and are like, whatever. Even saying their daughter Andromeda (Alexa Davalos) is the hottest bitch in town.

More god interruptions, and apparently the Kraken will be summoned if Andromeda isn’t sacrificed by the next solar eclipse.

Also Perseus is the son of Zeus.

I’m sure he was stoked to hear the news.

So of course he gets imprisoned, where he meets Io (Gemma Arterton) who is immortal after not sexing up Poseidon (what?) and is forced to watch over his life and protect him. Sweet deal. She tells him his mom was a Queen who died, after she was impregnanted by Zeus. The King Acrisius (Jason Flemyng) tried to war against the gods, and that is how they punished him, so he sent them to see. Also he turned into a legit monster.

“What a monstrosity! Why won’t he shave!?”

Eventually he is freed to go find a way to stop a Kraken with a small army. While Hades makes Calibos (that monster “dad”) stronger, to kill Perseus. But first he must face other trials! Apollo (Luke Evans) tries to give Perseus a cool sword and Pegasus to help fight, but he refuses. Then Calibos comes and fucks some shit up, so they run, and of course they run straight into a giant scorpion.

I mean, of course.

Some Djinn save them, and cure their poison. They also let them know the only way to stop the Kraken is with Medusa’s head, a Gorgon. Bitch turns anything of flesh into stone if they look at her. Including the Kraken! So they decide to go to the Underworld, because where the hell else would she be? Zeus tries to stop them and make Perseus a god, thinking he wont want to kill them all if he has the power too. He refuses. Of course.

At least he gets a coin as a consolation prize!

So they go to the Underworld! Find the lair! Io can’t go in because she is a woman! (What?). Most of the crew dies, but thankfully Perseus survives and cuts off her head in a very unapologetic fashion. Kind of rude if you ask me. Could have just asked her to help stop the Kraken.

This looks strangely familiar.

But after that, the monster dude comes back! He totally kills Io. Fuck. But he is able to slay him, with the help of that sword, and turn him back to his normal human form. Still dies though. Perseus realizes his fate and that he needs to stop being so selfish, accept help, and fuck shit up. So he hops on Perseus (who was also just hanging around) and heads to save the day! If only someone had told him he’d need these things earlier.

“Fuck you Perseus! Who turns down a gift?”

So Kraken is about to be summoned, and the gods are weaker because people still aren’t respectin’ them. BUT WAIT. Turns out Hades also gets stronger from fear, and the Kraken is a scary ass beast. Guess who is the strongest god now? Hades can totally take over Mt. Olympus. Way to fuck up Zeus. What do you have to say for yourself?

“Oh my bad. I’m actually trying to audition for Twilight. Got distracted.”

So he rushes to the Kraken, who is taking out everything, and trying to eat Andromeda. After all, the sacrifice still needs to happen, for some reason. Getting the head to Kraken proves to be difficult. I also assume his hunger is pretty insatiable, given his large mouth, and large dorment period.

Bitches love Krakens.

But yes. Perseus eventually shows the Kraken his head. Stone. Saved the day. Somehow everything is back to normal. Perseus still says no to godhood, and no to king hood (Turning down Andromeda). He instead gets Io revived, and wants to just run away and do whatever he wants.

Yayyy.

So what is the problem with the movie besides its horrible special effects, its lame butchering of Greek Mythology, and its poor acting?

Which version of the Kraken is from the 80s? I have no fucking idea.

It is also super BORING. Gah. I hate boring movies. Well it depends. A drama that can be considered boring or slow usually has at least an emotional connection if you stick with it, or some character development. But Action movies that are boring? That pisses me off to no end. That is a special effects driven movie, and literally no effort seems to be put into any other aspect of it. It looks like an entire green screen explosion.

This movie makes the color green even look bad.

I have no idea what else to say, but thanks for reading the first 500, and here is to another 500!

Hooray! Review 450! That in no way is a real significant number, just that it is divisible by 50.

Normally this is where I do a big long review of a bad movie, spoil the shit out of it, and make you laugh. Twilight series and High School Musical stuff so far. But the next bad movie I want to review I am saving for 500. It is kind of a special one for this site.

So instead, I will do a “controversial” review for a widely liked and known movie. And use the fact that there is a lot of pictures to make nerdy/lame jokes.
How could a review of The Dark Knight be controversial? Because I am only giving it a 3/4, and I will try to explain why I didn’t love it to the max.

Because this movie featured not enough bat nipples.

Batman is running around batmanning in this movie, but so are fake batmans. He has to save a fake batman from trying to batman the return of Scarecrow, in the movie as just a cameo. Apparently Batman’s existence isn’t making crime go away, it is elevating it!

Which is why we get some assholes like The Joker.

He also looks like a midnight toker.

The Joker’s back story is very simple one. He doesn’t have one. He has no other known aliases that could be proven, and no one really knows why he acts the way he does. He is chaos incarnated, and follows a very loose definition of logic to acquire his goals. His goals being more or less the destruction/torment of the Batman, an equally crazy character in his eye. It is almost as if he won’t stop until the Batman stops.

Or if he is stopped? If Ledger didn’t die, this could totally be some nice foreshadowing.

But fuck this crime shit. There is a new sheriff in town, Harvey Dent, the white knight gotham needs to legally bring the criminals to Justice. He is also now dating Rachel, Batman’s former gal, who apparently changed her look completely when breaking up with Bruce.

But that Joker is causing lots of damn problems. Not to mention huge outcries against the Batman for being a vigilante. Coupled with an attack on some high profile players and not-yet-commissioner Gordon, the Joker demand that Batman give himself up to save the city. Dent realizes that it would be bad if that happens and pretends to be Batman instead as a trap for the Joker.

He is such a fucking swell guy. High in morals too.

The trap is set, and the Joker is caught. Or did he allow himself to get caught?

He did. During it he arranged for the kidnapping of Dent and Rachel, and set it up so that only one could be saved by Batman, and the other dying in an explosion. In a very tense and lovely moment as they talk on the phone, we are teased horribly with Dent falling on the side and laying in the oil. But the Batman saves him, fuck! Oh well. Still gets his face all fucked up.

And AMC still wouldn’t let him join The Walking Dead.

More ultimatums issues by the joker. Have the town kill an innocent man, or else he will blow up a hospital. More chaos is caused, including people evacuating the city. The police get the bright idea of putting all the prisoners on a boat into the water, because they don’t want a repeat of what the Scarecrow did. The rich people also evacuate on a nice cruiser.

Haha! Another plot point expected by the Joker. Both vessels are armed with explosives, and the detonators for them are on each others boat. If one boat doesn’t detonate the other boat, they both will explode at midnight. Will the rich kill the prisoners, will the prisoners kill the rich?

“This is quite a dilemma, we, the prisoners, face.” – Big guy.

Through questionable motives, The Batman is able to find the Joker and tie him up once and for all! But too bad he has already convinced Harvey Dent (Two-Face) that life sucks, and he should kill people. Using the power of coin technology to determine life or death, he decides to go after all of those who set up Rachel’s death, thinking the Joker could not have been involved.

Through some tossing and turning, Batman stops him too at the cost of Two-Face’s life, making it the first time he has killed someone. Batman and Commissioner Gordon agree that Batman take the blame for what Dent did, so that Dent can die a hero and provide hope for Gotham, while Batman will go on the run, and be a “villain” for the city to unite together.

Morgan Freeman is also in here as Lucius Fox again, CEO of Wayne Enterprises, and really really hates unethical ways of stopping crime.

Alfred is still in this movie too, of course, because being a Butler is bananas.

Well part of my giving a movie a 4 out of 4 is the longing to watch it again sometime in the future and to make sure everyone sees it. Hellboy II, which came out to theaters a week before The Dark Knight, I gave a 4 out of 4. Counting the theater watch, I have seen that movie probably 7 times since. That is a lot, I really love that movie. How many times have I seen The Dark Knight?

Just two. Theaters, and last weekend on Blu-Ray. I definitely bought it the week it came out, just never watched it again until now.

But that doesn’t explain why I didn’t love it.

The film had a lot of hype thanks to the death of Heath Ledger. So much that he was being promised a best supporting actor Oscar before most people even saw the movie. Annoying fanboys is not a reason to hate a movie though. While Ledger was pretty damn awesome, I have never found the Joker character compelling or in general a great story line feature. I find him hard to grok, and that is part of the point. He is supposed to not make any sense and be complete chaos.

One of the most interesting stories throughout history though has always been the tragedy. Starting in Ancient Greece, the Tragedies always featured the same thing. No one cares if some random guy gets down on his luck, the fall isn’t great enough. People only care when someone on top of the world and is seemingly powerful loses everything and falls from the good grace. Like a King, or maybe a District Attorney who is living a fabulous life.

Despite his kind of weak origins, the comic storyline of Two-Face (ahh referencing the books the movie is based on! I am horrible! :/ ) is one of the best out there. A highly moral character who wanted to rid the streets of crime and did it all within the law to persecute criminals. But when the Justice system kept failing him, he began to crack. People need to be punished, and it isn’t working out. Then some other unfortunate things happen, like losing his loved ones (possibly at Batman’s fault) and the whole face scarring incident.

Dent’s fall from the top turns him into Two-Face, a man who believes there is no right or wrong left in the world, that Karma is a farce and everything that ever happens is always a random chance. Why not determine life or death with a simple coin flip? This way he can try to get back at those who has wronged him (other criminals, people in the justice system, and Crime) and do it the only “fair” way that must be left.

But his story was overshadowed by The Joker’s and mostly swept under the rug until the end. Having him die, while symbolic, was definitely a weird way to take the Batman franchise in. I really think I would have loved it a bit more if they dug a little bit deeper into Two-Faces actions at the end. It seemed kind of weak how the Joker convinced him to go after the people that he did, but I guess we have to believe it as a man who has given up all hope and purpose for life.

But despite all this, seriously, who isn’t excited for some Dark Knight Rises?

Despite the PG-13 rating, I think there is still a 90% chance of seeing a naked Anne Hathaway.

This is the 400th movie review! Most of my milestone reviews were based off of the Twilight films, which were also reviews 150, 200, 250, and 350.

There is a clear gap in there for the theme, because when I hit 300, Breaking Dawn part 1 wasn’t out yet. Well, part 2 isn’t out yet either. Not even in theaters. So for 300 I instead did all of the High School Musicals.

So what is the point? Well for 400 I wanted to try and keep to some theme, if I could, which is why I present to you, Sharpay’s Fabulous Adventure, the TV movie spin-off of the High School Musicals!

So…damn…pink.

I know what you are thinking. Or at least should be, if you saw the High School Musicals. Why the hell Sharpay?? She is of course played by Ashley Tisdale, but she is the “villain” of the series. A rich girl who thinks she deserves everything, and had most things until the new kid came around.

No one liked her, why does she get a spinoff. Why not her twin brother and that glasses chick who got into Julliard? Or that “pop it and lock it” girl that is behind the scenes in all the movies?

She actually went on to star in something called Fat Camp.

But no, Sharpay. Alright. It begins with her singing and dancing! Like she always does. This time at her parents country club though. Apparently this place is such a small town with no opportunity, yet a country club with filthy rich people. That would explain all the different background kids in one high school.

Yet somehow, there is a guy from NEW YORK CITY there, and he wants her to come down an audition.

After some convincing with her parents, she is allowed to go to NYC! But if she doesn’t land the gig or have anything after 1 month, she must go back to the town and get a real job with her dad. Like, gross!

But the apartment she planned for doesn’t allow dogs. Bitch please. She gets kicked to the curb, all her pink luggage and shit.

Pink luggage and shit.

Then some guy starts filming her, which often happens in NYC. Oh whats that, its her moms friends son who is in the area, and supposed to look out for her, Austin Butler?? How convenient. Speaking of convenient, he also knows of a studio apartment open in his building. Not as big, or fancy. But allows dogs.

His head is actually always that shape and angle. The whole movie.

But when Sharpay gets to the audition…turns out it was for her dog instead? What the fuck. No it was not her missing the meaning, the guy in his email or in person never actually said it was for the dog. Oh well, “Hilarious missunderstanding!”

The dog will star along Cameron Goodman, a fake broadway celebrity, in “A Girl’s Best Friend”, about a girl and her dog with big dreams of making it big in NYC. Yes. It somehow mirrors Sharpay’s life. The directors (Alec Mapa and Jack Plotnick) like her dog a lot, but unfortunately the little boy, Bradley Steven Perry, and his dog are also kick ass.

Pictured: Spoiled rich kid with talented dog, who is not Sharpay.

So the directors do the only thing they know how. Cast both dogs, until one is clearly better. Causing them to compete and play jokes on each others time to shine. Stay classy, Sharpay.

Sharpay even becomes the personal assistant to Cameron, hoping to get on her good side. But it turns out, Cameron is a huge bitch. She hates the whole idea, and the dogs. Hell, on the day before the main dress rehearsal, she tries to cut out the dog part completely. What?

That powder is made from puppies.

So Sharpay eventually goes off on Cameron. Telling her all she learned about how much of a bitch she is (and Sharpay used to be). The star storms off, and Sharpay is kicked out. But thanks to Austin filming her all the time, they find out Sharpy knows all of the scenes for the musical, because Cameron refuses to come back at all. They quickly hire her back, as the stand in star, and she stars in her own musical! And she also isn’t a bitch anymore.

What do you mean this looks like guys and dolls?

So overall, how was the movie?

Well uhh. Surprisingly it was pretty decent. WHAT?

Yes. Taking the hated character, and giving her a spin-off with ridiculous dreams of starring in Broadway, and ending up in one with her dog. Yes. It was decent.

The plot? Not the best. The musical that she happens to get to help and star in matching her own travel to NYC? That is stupid as shit. The final song didn’t even sound that good. Tisdale’s voice is not good enough to star in a Broadway thing. (She was a last minute replacement for this one. But we are to assume she stayed a star.)

There wasn’t as many songs as I expected. Pretty much two near the end, the opening number, and Sharpay/the kid both auditioning singing the same song with their dog. There was some other “popular music” in it, but they were covers. For some reason, the guy who played her twin in the HSMs did a cover of Baby in the background.

But despite all this, for a character so fake and uncaring, some how her transformation into a kinder person seemed real. You believed she had changed her ways, if only because there was a bigger bitch in town. She was even willing to risk her whole “Career” and go back home to do a real job, just to do what was right.

Of course then you can get into how unnatural the plot unfolded. So the bad set up was a big part of the blame. The just okay music was disappointing. But, somehow I liked the last half.

This is the 350th movie review! For 300, I was unable to review this movie, and so instead did the High School Musicals. But since the movie is finally coming out on DVD, hooray harooh.

Twilight: Breaking Dawn, Part 1 is the first half of the fourth movie/book/cash grab, behind Twilight, Twilight: New Moon, and Twilight:Eclipse.

Lets start with the Anna Kendrick update!

You can argue she has 1-3 scenes in this movie. But they are all in the first 15 minutes. Technically I could say she is just in the wedding scene. In the real one, apparently as a friend who just makes dumb jokes now, and in the dream one, no lines. Kinda gave a snippet of a toast. But that is all. Only a few glances in the first 15 minutes. It was weird watching her as some needy drunk girl too, since presumably she is like 19.

Only picture I could find of her at the wedding. Scarce!

So yeah, wedding happens. Very slowly. The only news that comes out of it is that Jacob is super mad (so much that he takes his SHIRT off! and runs away in the rain). That and Bella isn’t going to go Vampire that night. They are going to enjoy the honeymoon first.

You see he is mad, because that means they are going to have sex. A dead guy and a live girl.

So that wedding takes about 20 minutes of the movie. Bella rarely smiles of course (except when she sees Jacob? weird). Then they go to mysterious Rio De Janeiro for their honeymoon, which takes up at least 25 minutes of time. Yes. Honeymoon, where literally all they do is have some rough sex, and then mostly just relaxing on the beach, having fun time. Until Bella discovers something.

That she is disgustingly fat!

Yep, somehow Edward, a dead creature, that shouldn’t have blood flow to do youknowhat, impregnated a live chick. Uh oh. Shits a problem. [Side note, randomly in the beginning real quick Edward was all, oh yeah I used to kill humans a long time ago. But only bad humans. Dexter-esque, super random].

But yeah. According to random wear wolf lore, that baby is not good. It will be powerful. And it will kill Bella coming into the world. So technically if that happens, Edward would also have broken the “Treaty” between the two groups, by killing a human in their land. Killing one with his penis. (Apparently it is gray area turning her into a vampire willingly, in terms of why that is or isn’t an act of killing).

Picture: Killing Bella With Vampire Penis

At this point half of the movie is already over. If it feels like a lot of filler, that is because it is. Also if you have paid any attention to the other movies, you will know what the characters don’t.

Hmm, the only time the Cullen family tends to add a member to their ranks is because the person is already dying. Bella is going to die giving birth. She is SUPPOSED to be turned into a vampire already, because of those hooded people (who aren’t in this movie?). CONNECTION MADE. Clearly everyone knows that Edward will just get his bite on during birth, and they will have a weird vampire human baby, and she will go vampire, and everyone is alive. Right?

Wrong. I think that is what made me the most mad during the movie. That shit was obvious. They had weeks to plan this stuff. Never crossed anyone’s mind despite it happening all the time (not usually during birth). What the fuck?

The stupidness makes Jacob mad. Also, yes, that is Bella Birth blood stuff on Edward.

So the birth is weird. Apparently the baby grows freakishly fast. Like, weeks after sex it is time to go. Edward even speaks to the baby, cause he can read thoughts. During the actual birth, which is GROSS. So gross! I kind of wanted to vomit. During that, most of the vampires try to attack to kill the baby right away. Jacob, and two other wolves, and the vampires fend them off. No one gets close, no one gets hurt. Gotta love it.

I guess Bella is allowed to not smile now. The whole dying thing.

Guess what. Post Birthing, Bella is lying there dead-ish. Then Edwards get the bright idea, “OH HEY LETS MAKE YOU A VAMPIRE! YES!”. He starts biting her all over, looking for blood I guess. Finally hits it, blood becomes corrupt or something and good to go.

Also, the Wolves stop attacking. Why? Because as far as I can tell, they have some code, where they can claim a non werewolf, to love them and be there for them, as lover, brother whatever, and the tribe cant hurt them. Yeah. Jacob falls all sorts of in love with the baby.

Wait what?

Apparently the baby will grow super quickly. But ethically or morally I am not sure if pictures like this are appropriate.

How to make bestiality worse? Throw in pedophilia.

The final scene has Bella open her eyes to the picture below. I guess its supposed to be a powerful ending, but it isn’t at all. From the first movie you knew she’d be a vampire. The second one made it official, the third one set the date. The fourth one delayed the date, and ignored that fact until the end. But yes. She is now a vampire and a mom.

Of course its just part one, so I assume part two (The final movie?) will be about the swell times they have raising a family, and ignoring the hooded people. No more conflict right? Who knows.

But seriously, this movie is the worst of the movies so far. I hated how slow everything went. The first half was entirely too slow for what amounted to get married, and honeymoon sex. The second half just had them all worried about what they’d do, when they should have known what to do and just waited. That whole thing could have been like 30 minutes. Making this movie into two was stupid in terms of movie quality.

After all, if I thought most of New Moon could have been in Twilight, I’d see no reason to split up a book.

0 out of 4.