Tag: Michael Caine

When I first saw the previews for Inception I thought “Meh”. That is a hard meh too, not one of those soft cat mehs. Just seemed silly. Kind of reminded me of Dark City, in a strange, not at all like Dark City way.

The only reason I went to see it was because of all the hype from my friends, who tend to hype the same things all the time. But still, had a free afternoon, and people to go with. Sure I was kind of tired, but I mean, theres no way I could fall asleep during a movie in a theater right?

Spoilers: I may have incepted Inception.

Movie begins with dreams inside of dreams. That is a common motif. Leonardo DiCaprio is the head thief, because of his beady eyes. The Cobra Commander also is on the team, and helps make sure all the nuts and bolts work, and designs how that shit will go down. They also later get Juno, an architect student, to help build the maze dream-scapes. Confused yet? Good

These bitches pretty much, using a special technology, go into peoples dreams and convince them to give up their secrets. So they steal things, more or less, from their own consciousness. Bank codes, safe codes, what have you. Sometimes they have to go dream within a dream within a dream to get shit done. But the deeper you go affects how time moves. So it moves super slow in the real life compared to how fast the dreams are going.

They have to get some shit from Cillian Murphy, for lots of cash. Sure, Leo has some family problems at home. He lost his wife, Marion Cotillard, in a dream Limbo place, and has to resort to having Michael Caine watch his children while he is out doing illegal things.

“Oh, err, umm. I found them this way?”

Either I didn’t get this movie, and I am a dumb, or this movie is a shit sandwich in a basket. One of the two.

Offering immoral behavior, and invading the last known sanctuary of a man, aka his mind, this film should probably have been rated NC-17 for penetration that deep.

None of the characters seemed believable, especially that old asian guy. Whats up with him?

I think people just liked it because of the supposed mysterious ending at the end. Bitch please, that top was going to spin forever.

Possibly the worst movie I saw in 2010, which is a surprise, because I actually watched Jonah Hex too.

Thanks to Wall-E, people realized that all “kids movies” didn’t have to be dumbed down or feature only “lesser” humor. But guess what? Those movies are the easiest to make. Not in terms of work on CGI and what not, that can take forever, yes. But in terms of an interesting plot or comedy? Don’t even have to try. Afterall kids, are easy to amuse and if anyone grades you too harsh you can say “Hay! This isn’t meant for you adult! Get away!” and be done with it.

And then sell more toys. Or lawn Gnomes.

Or whatever lawn ornaments people don’t seem to care about anymore!

The Gnomeo and Juliet plot I shouldn’t have to go over, but here it is quickly. Instead of neighboring families, it is just two neighbors. Who live in a duplex like thing, but they dislike each other. Yes, their last names are the expected ones, and one really likes red, one really likes blue. They also both have a shit ton of color appropriate gnomes and etc on their lawn. I assume that their dislike makes them have a competition with each other over who can have the most ridiculous shit.

Gnomeo (James McAvoy) and Juliet (Emily Blunt) eventually find each other, in a neighboring abandoned property. Also there is a flamingo (Jim Cummings) there. BUT WHY MUST THEIR HATS BE DIFFERENT COLORS. We also have Michael Caine as head of the Reds, and Jason Statham as Tybalt. Patrick Stewart voices William Shakespeare. Because of course he is in this movie.

Also, hopefully you like Elton John, because he is an executive producer, which means that the only music in this movie is his. The orchestra versions of Crocodile Rock and Saturday Night’s All Right For Fighting threw me off at first. But it was worse when it was his same songs, but with lyrics changed for the movie.

There are a few other subtle hints at his involvement.

Obviously the story is nothing new, and ends differently for the kids. Here is where I overthink things. In this vague world, inanimate objects can talk. Even a statue thats hundreds of years old. But so can the toys, like that doll. But why not the chair? Or laptop? They are also inanimate objects, and probably even more advanced than just…pottery pot like lawn gnomes. Where is the line drawn, filmmakers? Exactly. There is no line.

But yeah. You expected this rating anyways.

Hooray! The long awaited sequel to Cars is Cars 2! And by long awaited, I mean both never expected in 2006 and also, since a couple days ago, when I reviewed Cars.

I say this in an exaggerated way obviously, but Cars 2 is nothing like Cars. Sure, both of them are still in some creepy ass world with only cars (and other transportation vehicles) being their own entities that are alive, but Cars is better than Cars 2. Cars is about slowing down, appreciating the finer things in life, and finding true happiness.

Cars 2 is just some big James Bond Spoof.

But unfortunately, when I think Cars + James Bond, I think KITT from Knight Rider. This was KITT-less.

Owen Wilson and his bad voicing habits are barely in this movie. This movie is all about Mater, the Tow Truck, voiced by Larry The Cable Guy. Yes. They changed leads and put the comic relief in the first film as the main character. Yes. This is as bad as it sounds.

The actual beginning of the movie I assumed was a “movie” in this car land. It was just nothing like the first film, with Michael Caine playing the James Bond like car, spying on an oil rig? Or something? But this film is “deeper” than that. It involves Lightning going on a world grand prix, and racing against a french car (voiced excellently by John Tuturro) sponsored by an alternative fuel source dude, voiced by Eddie Izzard. This is of course the only way Izzard can play someone who isn’t evil. Because if he had to show his face in a movie, you know he always is the evil dude. Yay voicing!

But yeah. There is some big conspiracy happening. This takes up most of the movie, and of course Mater ends up being mistaken for an American spy. Thanks to Bruce Campbell, who’s few minutes is the best in the movie, because he is Bruce Campbell.

“Voice a car? Boom boom boom. Sorry, I’m fighting deadites here. Can the car just be backfiring? Boom boom boomstick.”

It is stupid that this movie got a G rating, with all of its “violence”. But who knows what goes on in those rating meetings. The reason for all the bad cars is laughable too. They are a bunch of “lemons”, or cars that break down a bunch. Yes. I’d hope you read my first review, but in this world, cars are created and forced to live certain rules. You’d be pissed off too if you were made with defections and forced to just, live that life out while other cars never break down. You can only handle being stuck on the side of the road so many times before you’d snap too.

So, likers of the first Cars movie would probably call this one worse. I am going to actually find a shark and throw it over the shark, to represent my point more. This movie is just a cash-grab for merchandise. But at least they called Bruce Campbell.