Tag: Lindsay Lohan

Originally, I planned to release my review of The Canyons alongside my review of Lovelace, but traveling and conferences got in the way.

Seriously. It would have been a double review.

Why them together? Well, Lovelace is a story of a porn star played by a regular actress.

The Canyons is a “regular story” being lead by a porn star.

In one of those films, there is a different type of smoking. Pole smoking. Okay, both films have that.

Christian (James Deen) is a movie producer, living in LA. He has some trust fund money, so he is living large, doing coke, and having wild sex parties. He also funds shitty movies. Sometimes he makes his own. Of course when I say he makes his own, I mean adult based film. Bow chicka, good sirs.

Well, he is currently dating Tara (Lindsay Lohan), someone else who is now related to the film industry, thanks to Christian. He likes her a lot too, more than any other skank he has slept with. He also likes that she likes to swing with him and other couples as part of his strange video film. She likes him too. Just not as much as she likes Ryan (Nolan Gerard Funk).

Tara might have been seeing him for years in secret, and now she was able to get Ryan a job on an upcoming movie Christian is funding. Probably a good idea.

Just kidding, that just makes Christian rage. Like, a lot. He gets jealous, thinking she is cheating (which she is, but so is he). Like really jealous. Like, someone might die jealous. On snap.

Also Amanda Brooks and Tenille Houston are in here. One is a lying ex, the other works on films. Take your guesses!

In situations like this in real life, I’d wonder who is happier: the porn star having sex with an actor/actress, or the actor/actress having sex with a porn star.

In case you missed it, James Deen is the porn star. One of the biggest male ones of the day, he has recently starred in DP My Wife With Me 2, Don’t Tell My Husband 3, Anal Buffet 8, Jack Attack, and James Deen Loves Butts. Yeah, pretty big deal.

Lindsay Lohan, not a porn star, just a crackhead, and she is very naked in this film. Lots of people get naked, and you can see dicks too. Overall, this film is definitely not worth if just to see this woman naked. Just google that shit, weirdo.

This is a film that decides it wants to make it as uninteresting as possible, despite the huge naked sex factor. I had to tag this film as “Erotic Thriller”, which might be a first. The acting isn’t necessarily bad, just non important. There are no real plot twists or turns at all. The only thriller aspect comes near the end, when James Deen does bad things to people, and then we end shortly after.

His character is fucked up, and we got a fucking lame movie. That is all.

Scary Movie 5.

Fuck. I watched Scary Movie 4 before this, even though I swore it off after seeing Scary Movie 3. Fuck my need to be a completionist.

Fuckkkkk.

Basically, long story short, Scary Movie 5 is a parody of Mama more so than Paranormal Activity 4. So hey, that’s unexpected. The trailers didn’t really show any Mama scenes. But the other major movie “parodied” is Black Swan, with a scene from Inception, and an even shorter scene from Sinister. Hell, they even have the new Evil Dead in there, but it is obvious (if not by the timing alone) that it is based only on the trailer for Evil Dead, not the actual movie. Oh yeah, Rise of the Planet of the Apes too, because why not?

BUT AM I DONE? NO. Also Zero Dark Thirty, and The Help. THE HELP? WHAT? WHY? That doesn’t even remotely get near the topic of the title.

Okay, calm down self. You can’t freak out this early.

Either way, Jody (Ashley Tisdale) and Dan (Simon Rex) are able to find his brother’s missing kids in a cabin in the woods. They are all weird now, the oldest talks of some entity Mama that is helping them out. They get to stay in a kick ass home, with lots of surveillance, where paranormal things happen. Their housekeeper (Lidia Porto) is very religious of course. Dan is a scientist trying to make Apes smarter, and Jody wants to get back to her ballerina roots like her mother. So she tries out for Black Swan, and has a rival (Erica Ash).

I don’t want any celebrity who was apart of this to miss out on getting tagged, so here is a big list of people in this movie! Usher, Heather Locklear, Sarah Hyland, Jerry O’Connell, Terry Crews, Molly Shannon, Snoop Dogg/Lion, Charlie Sheen, Lindsay Lohan, Katrina Bowden, Katt Williams, Darrell Hammond, and Mike Tyson.

There is also a narrator, who sounds a lot like Morgan Freeman, but it is not Morgan Freeman, I repeat, it is not Morgan Freeman! They did it to make you think he was in the movie. It’s all a lie, so he shall not be tagged.

Yep. Taken from the trailer, clearly.

If you need a recap of where the Scary Movie franchise went wrong, see my review of A Haunted House. Yes, A Haunted House is a much better film than Scary Movie 5, no question about it.

It has only a couple of the scenes from the trailer actually in it, which is a pretty annoying habit that needs to die out. Instead of having an overall unifying plot, it feels instead like a bad sketch comedy show (given the over-exaggerated everything), with scenes that barely fit together just to include some pop culture references in it. But Scary Movie arguably only talks about 3 horrors, and fills the rest with a thriller, a suspense, and a movie about apes! That isn’t even appropriate for something called Scary Movie. Bad movie makes, bad!

I went in expecting bad things, and well, this time it came true. I think I heard giggles once in my theater, two days after it came out. I actually did laugh out loud once, and it was because of something the narrator said. But other than that, this film might have been better titled Silent Movie given the reaction from the audience.

Also, Usher isn’t in the IMDB credits yet, but he totally has a dance scene, so I wanted to draw extra attention to him.

Lindsay Lohan has had a troublesome last few years, with her last film role being sexy daughter, in Machete. We all know about the arrests, the drugs, the drinking, the car accidents, but maybe, just maybe, she was doing all of that with a purpose?

Maybe she was secretly doing research on how Elizabeth Taylor might have lived. I don’t know if Taylor was ever into the partying lifestyle, I only know about her many husbands. In fact, getting hitched and divorced seems to be the only thing Lohan didn’t do over the last few years. I take it all back, it was probably just the drugs.

Just in case you missed it, I am saying that Lindsay Lohan is probably nothing like Elizabeth Taylor.

But Lohan needs a comeback, damn it, so she does what any good actress would do. She agrees to play Elizabeth Taylor in Lifetime Original Movie!

Liz & Dick is the “True story” of the relationship between Taylor and Richard Burton (Grant Bowler) and uhh, that is about it.

They met on the set of Cleopatra, and although they were both currently married, they eventually hit it off. Then they have sexy love time, fight a lot, star in each others movies, and then Richard Burton dies.

Hopefully you didn’t want any more detail, because that is about how much the movie provides. Around 90 minutes in actual screen time, “Liz & Dick” does a great job at rushing through every scene and telling as little plot as possible. Apparently the movie was filmed in about 20 days and boy does it show.

But they fight a lot! There is that! Yeah!

Taylor herself was a very successful actress and winner of multiple academy awards. Burton, despite the lack of awards, was known for his great acting especially on stage. Take two interesting people and make a movie of their love life, you’d think it would work out well, yet somehow this film fails to deliver. I am not even blaming this on Lohan. She was okay in her role, I guess. Bowler was a bit better, but combined, neither of them really told a compelling story.

Heck, it even had Creed Bratton from The Office show up for a small role, which means you know they weren’t going for quality.

Liz & Dick should be avoided at all costs. Some of you would say that was obvious given the cast and TV movie format, but that would be judging a book by its cover! Apparently an acceptable practice in this movie’s case.

The making of this movie started out as a joke, but ended up, well, still a joke. The Grindhouse movies that came out awhile ago came included with multiple fake trailers. I personally wanted to see the one involving a Pilgrim horror movie, about Thanksgiving. But the most popular of these was a gritty action movie called Machete, starring Danny Trejo. If you have a daily motion account, you can watch the first and arguably fake, trailer here.

But why do they call him Machete?

Machete used to be a Mexican Federale, but was betrayed on a kidnapping mission by the chief, Steven Seagal, who also had his wife and kids killed. Years later he is wandering Texas, doing small work, until Jeff Fahey gives him an offer. The Senator (Robert De Niro) is running on re-election and planning on deporting a whole mess of illegal aliens, and he wants Machete to assassinate him.

But while he has him in the scopes, he finds himself shot in the shoulder by a second sniper, who then also intentionally misses the senator. Ah! Jeff Fahey is an asshole! He set up Machete, to make it look like he, an illegal alien, tried to kill the senator who was trying to stop illegal immigration!

Well Machete escapes, and goes into hiding, into an organization lead by Michelle Rodriguez for illegal Mexicans, and with the help of Cheech Marin, a priest. While Fahey’s henchmen are trying to stop him, Jessica Alba is working as an immigration officer, trying to get to the bottom of it. Oh yeah, Lindsay Lohan plays the daughter of Fahey, whom ends up having a sexual encounter with her mom and Machete, before he kidnaps both of them.

So yeah, the movie involves trying to shed light to what Fahey/De Niro attempted, and free Machete from blame. But if he can also somehow deal with Seagall and the Mexican Cartel at the same time, why not? If anything, it probably means more killing and death.

“God has mercy. I don’t!” – Actual awesome quote.

So, I know exactly what this movie was going for. Gritty feel, fake trailer, over the top action, nakedness, whatever. It certainly tried. I just think it could have been more over the top. I don’t think it went far enough. The film obviously had a big political message attached to it, and that annoyed me. I wanted a more carefree mindless action thing, not them attempting to do a political plot. Generally when action movies only try to do a plot, it comes off worse than no plot, or a really good plot.

That is why my rating is low. I think it could have been more awesome.