The Hitman’s Bodyguard

I remember when the first poster for The Hitman’s Bodyguard came out, everyone just naturally assumed it was a joke. There wasn’t prior knowledge of some mysterious Ryan Reynolds and Samuel L. Jackson movie, just a poster and a lot of laughs. It was a parody of the poster for The Bodyguard, but you know, dudes. Hilarious.

And then a trailer came out and confirmed everyone’s worst or best fears. This movie was real, and it was an action comedy, and it might be amazing. It could be the next The Nice Guys for all we know, with two talented comedic leads who also know their way around an action movie. A perfect pairing, if you will.

Little did I know, technical issues would get in the way of a good laughing.

Joke about dicks and guns.

Michael Bryce (Reynolds) used to be one of the best bodyguards in the world. Dignitaries, foreign leaders, high CEO level people would hire him in dangerous situations to make sure they made it through safely, especially if someone wanted them dead. He was incredibly thorough with his work, always detailed, meticulously planning every job to ensure the best for his clients.

But eventually, one of his clients got shot despite doing everything right. This put him on the straight spiral downward. A bodyguard is only as good as his rating, and letting a client die puts a hamper on your rating. So now he is a mess of a man, doing shittier jobs. He still does them well, but his heart isn’t into it anymore.

An ex lover, Amelia Roussel (Elodie Young), who works for Interpol one day shows up at his door needing help. It turns out they have in their custody Darius Kincaid (Jackson), one of the greatest hitmen known to man, with incredible aim and very ruthless. He isn’t being charged with a crime, but he is being brought in as a witness against Vladislav Dukhovich (Gary Oldman), a tyrant being charged with crimes against humanity. Apparently Kincaid did a few jobs for him, so he has the inside scoop and is the only person alive who can testify to the deeds.

So of course people want Kincaid dead. And it is going to take an expert to get him there safely, while also dealing with his reckless behavior. Unfortunately, these two gentlemen are also bitter enemies, with Kincaid being the one who killed Bryce’s man those years ago. Oh how will they put this rivalry behind them?

Also starring Salma Hayek, Yuri Kolokolnikov, Tine Joustra, and Joaquim de Almeida.

The more explosions the better, I guess.

I’d love to give a real review of this movie. I’d prefer if I saw it in perfect conditions to really judge or appreciate the film, but alas, I did not.

The screening I saw had very jacked sound quality. Early on it was terrible. Everything that made a sound was louder than the dialogue, so it started off hard to follow. Later on it got better, but it turns out it was just due to less explosions. By the end, it was again an inaudible mess of just sounds and hard to decipher words. It was fucking pointless.

And I have to judge the movie entirely by this fact. Because I am not going out of my way to see it a second time to see if it was fluke. The people working didn’t say it was a mistake and try to fix it. We just got wrecked and they didn’t care, so I didn’t care either. I didn’t know when I would ever publish this review, because it feels pointless. But hey, I published my review of King Arthur: Legend of the Sword, which had even worse issues in my theater, so why not just rail against this movie?

Hayek was fantastic in this film though. She stole the show. Good on her.

1 out of 4.

Atlas Shrugged Part III: Who Is John Galt?

The worst trilogy of all time? No, you have to remember things like The Scary Movie franchise exist. Or soon to be Planes trilogy.

Now, weirdest and strangest trilogy of all time? Yeah, probably.

After all, I don’t know of a single trilogy that replaced every crossover character between every film. I don’t know of a single trilogy to say they would only continue to make more movies if their previous ones made enough money, then, you know, make them anyways despite it not occurring.

I don’t know of a single trilogy to make only one part a musical. That is not true for this one, but it almost happened.

So here we go. Atlas Shrugged Part III: Who Is John Galt?

Kill Yourself
Who is John Galt? — Kill yourself!

Part three, if you have been following along, starts with Dagny Taggart (Laura Regan) surviving her plane crash. She has now landed in a magical fairy tale land where all these big incredible thinkers have been living in secrecy! And she is now one of them!

Just kidding, she is here by accident. But this is totally where John Galt (Kristoffer Polaha) is. He wanted to stop the motor of the world, or some shit, and he wanted the government to get off of his nuts. And since they wanted to control his brain and his industry, so he fucking left. He wanted people to make money off of their creations and get some sort of super capitalism, away from any government shenanigans.

While this is going on, all the government works are falling to shit and everyone in America is sad.

And yeah, some terrorism level shit happens. People want the John Galt philosophy to come true, Dagny just kind of wants John Galt’s penis.

Some torture, and then another shitty ending.

With other fine actors like, Greg Germann, Larry Cedar, Joaquim de Almeida, Peter Mackenzie, Stephen Tobolowsky and Rob Morrow.

That’s right, this movie has a romance plot line.

Man, I wish this would have been a musical. It would have probably been less cheesy than the actual film itself.

Like, this movie ended up having a narrator. It wasn’t a person from the movie talking, it was just a straight up omnipotent narrator, with a powerful voice, and it really broke any narrative that the characters were creating. Show me, don’t tell me. The narrator made me laugh every time and it was extremely off putting.

Outside of the annoying narration, the story felt…over acted? Overly dramatic? Maybe just overly stupid. Yeah, let’s go with that. If I was supposed to feel any emotional connection to John Galt or Dagny I got nothing (And the actor changes / delay between stories didn’t help). It might work in the book, but this slow trilogy isn’t a great format for it.

I think this trilogy was made for people who really like the book and no one else. It really didn’t make a lot of sense without the book knowledge. If I have some free time, I might finally Audiobook this one. Maybe. But the trilogy was one of the worst and thus hilarious attempts at telling a serious story I have ever seen.

Never again. Never again.

1 out of 4.