Tag: Jim Gaffigan

Greedy People was sent to me early as a screener.

Money money money, makes the world go round, and can make people act very differently. Will (Himesh Patel) is on his first day on the job in a new area. He just moved here recently with his wife (Lily James) who is pregnant. Oh, and this job is of course being a cop. Oh man.

His partner, Terry (Joseph Gordon-Levitt) is an old hat at this job and really tells him on what he needs to know about the area. Truth is, its a very low crime city, so they aren’t going to have to do much at all. And make sure he doesn’t kill anyone! Well. Unfortunately due to events, and Terry not being that great of a person, Will accidentally kills someone! And while deciding what to do about it with Terry, they also…find a shit ton of cash!

Time to cover this up and make it look like a break in. The two agree to hide the cash in a storage unit, until things die down, and then start living life a little bit better. But of course, that is NOT what is going to happen. You see, the victim’s husband (Tim Blake Nelson) was actually already planning on ordering a hit on her that same day, so things just start to escalate from there, as more and more people get involved. That’s right. We are going to get a body count, because damn it, piles of money are just so exciting.

Also starring Jim Gaffigan, Joey Lauren Adams, José María Yazpik, Nina Arianda, Simon Rex, Traci Lords, and Uzo Aduba.

Just think of how much cash you could fit in JG-L’s mouth right there. Honestly, as a movie watcher and movie writer, and dare I say, movie critic, I get asked a lot about my favorite movies and least favorite movies. I also get asked about my favorite genre of movie. I think I finally have an answer for that, as I have hemmed and hawed in the past of various umbrella terms. I think I finally have a very specific answer. “Dark Comedies where things spiral out of control for regular people and a lot of people die.” Yeah, that might be my favorite drama.

From things like Fargo or Heathers or more recent bizarre ones like Arizona and The Death of Stalin. I almost always have a great and silly time. So, that is all to say, the same was true for Greedy People. A lot of people involved, mostly normal individuals, living their life, finding themselves a victim or a perpetuator of violence for one reason or another.

Patel is the lead of this film, but he ends up playing a mostly straight guy role throughout the proceedings. The remaining cast of characters is what really drives this movie forward. James, a pregnant and worried wife, amazing. Gorgon-Levitt, who has to play a lot of timid characters, was really let off of his leashes for this role. His character starts off as a normal shitty cop, sleazy, but becomes a scary force later on, with a just strong growling voice at times. Nelson, getting up in age, still can kick it like a Coen Bros film and give us a weird side character with special motives. Heck, Gaffigan played a literal hitman. I won’t say it is a role that is definitely suitable for him, but I will say it was notably different role for him, so its good to see him branch out and try something.

If you want main characters dying. This is the movie for you. If you like spiraling in a slightly comedic and deadly way. This is the movie for you. I had a lot of fun with this.

4 out of 4.

Here we go again…again.

Hotel Transylvania hasn’t been a shining example of a good animated franchise. Its jokes are cheap, its concept is meh, its animation is on the lower tier of big releases.

But there is now a fourth one. Hotel Transylvania: Transformania. Why didn’t they just call it Hotel Transformania? The world will never know, because clearly the FOR is meant to indicate the fourth one.

This was set to come out early October last year, same day as The Addams Family 2 (which also wasn’t great), but sold to Amazon before hand. And then everyone was surprised when it wasn’t out. Turns out the release date wasn’t finalized. Early January next year? Fine.

And a lot of people also found out that Adam Sandler wasn’t even involved with this one. Only him and Kevin James cut the plug, every other older famous person remained. Why did they leave? Where did they go? Maybe only Cotton Eye Joe knows.

Unrelated, did they ever say why there are so many of Dracula’s friends at the hotel, all the time? They don’t work there right? Are they on some permanent free vacation at their friends place of business? Honestly, if this was a first movie question, I have forgotten by now. If so, those early movies are a good metaphor for how Adam Sandler’s movies have turned out the last decade.  He admitted that himself that his movies can just be paid vacations for him and his friends.

Turning Jonathan into a monster is going to make some weird fanart porn now.

So what is up with the hotel of monsters?

Well, the 125th anniversary is happening, and of course, Jonathan (Andy Samberg) is fucking things up. They had a big evening planned, so he did a lot more nonsense to surprise Dracula (Brian Hull), who hates surprises. Honestly, calling Jonathan a clumsy person with a big heart at this point seems ridiculous, since he knows what Dracula prefers and ignores all of his well wishes when it comes to things for Dracula. That means Jonathan is really just doing it for himself, or at least, for exciting Mavis (Selena Gomez).

Dracula was going to announce his retirement and giving the hotel to Mavis (and technically, also, Jonathan since they are married), but they find out early and piss him off again, so he lies and says he can’t give Jonathan the hotel, since he isn’t a monster. Some old made up real estate law. And so Jonathan finds someone who has a transformation ray, that turns someone into monster or human, and sure, goes monster. Dracula knows this will piss off Mavis, so he does the thing he always does, tries to hide stuff and not communicate.

Sure enough, he gets turned human (and his friends do also), the ray gets broken, so Dracula and Jonathan have to go on a long perilous journey for another crystal. Eventually the friends and Mavis and them join too. They gotta switch everyone else back, damn it.

Also starring a lot of returning voices, you know, except for the two who weren’t. Brad Abrell, Fran Drescher, Steve Buscemi, Jim Gaffigan, Kathryn Hahn, Keegan-Michael Key, Molly Shannon, and David Spade.

Hey look, it is that scene with the monster ray! How fun. 

I don’t care if it is an animated film, but…characters should be able to grow and change over time? And having four movies in a row where Jonathan does the same mistakes, learns a lesson, then does the same sort of thing again isn’t growth. When Dracula distrusts his daughter making decisions, and lies to friends and family, learns a lesson, then does that same sort of thing again next movie isn’t growth. Adding children to a movie and more characters, isn’t growth.

What the heck is the point?

One of my least favorite parts of the third film was the extended dance sequences they decided to have with each monster doing the macarena. Slowly. Over and over. Multiple times in the movie. That was a bizarre waste of time. This movie tried to test me early on, as they had the Cha-Cha Slide and started to do the same thing. Thankfully, it didn’t last as long as the macarena, but I feel like it was done intentionally to troll me.

The movie itself isn’t great. There is no reason for most of the adventure. It could be saved a lot of time if they just…fly…further. They know a lot of monsters who can fly and travel. Fuck. Mavis in bat form could do most of the work in the country, go to the cave herself, and get a crystal from looking safe without all the danger. It is such a nonsensical journey adventure, that exists purely for the movie, when clearly there are many work arounds for it.

Why the hell did the Slime DJ turn into a jello dessert? The goddamn ray said HUMAN and MONSTER. It didn’t say revert to some non-monster form on it. It can take a non-human and make it human. That is it. They had a giant monster dog get zapped and it turned into a regular dog. That isn’t a human either. These are just fundamental issues that make up a movie of lazy writing.

I will say it is technically better than the third film for me. But only because it has less dance sequences. I guess they are turning this into a TV show, with different animation style. Or already did. I don’t know. I won’t watch it.

0 out of 4.

Welcome to a Movie Roundup! A movie roundup features a few films that I didn’t feel like making full reviews for, but needed to get basic reviews out there for completionist reasons. It also helps me deal with my backlog. It may have a theme, and today’s theme is Animated 2018! Basically, all of the animated movies of 2018 that didn’t get their own review.

Being on a movie round up doesn’t mean a movie is inherently bad, or good, or meh. I can feature any rating on here! So don’t assume the worst! I will also just post the reviews in alphabetical order.

Animated 2018

Hotel Transylvania 3: Summer Vacation

First up is the only third film in a franchise in the group, but there are a few unnecessary sequels as well. And in terms of unnecessary things, this is near the top. This film doesn’t relaly have any redeeming qualities. It is very clear right from the get go what a twist would be, so instead of milking it, they give it away early as well.

The real twist is tricking you to give money for this terrible, terrible movie. The ending features a several minute long dance battle, from various artists, and then an even longer Macarena dance party. Yes, that Macarena. Were they paid to have it featured so prominently, has it been too long outside of our pop culture sphere? It seriously had to milk this scene so hard, as each main character needed to be shown doing the dance, and then group shots, and then tons of tourists, and every person everywhere, with extreme body movements to highlight their awkward appearances. It was one of the worst endings of a movie this year, so well done Hotel Transylvania 3. Please stop now.

0 out of 4.

If only Van Helsing was successful hundreds of years ago, none of this would be here today.

Incredibles 2

Next up is a sequel people have actually been wanting forever, and Brad Bird said only when he had a worthy script, and apparently that meant 14 years later. Real time, not the movie time, as it takes place right after the first movie. And I honestly thought he should have waited longer. This film just feels so uninspired by me. I really didn’t need to see moments after they finished the first film, leaving me at the same exact point except we have a baby with changing every power nonsense. I could have used years later, more developed.

This plot feels too similar to the first. Still people are afraid of supers, but instead of the man going out to fight, its now the lady. The plot twist was once again obvious, so it didn’t do much for me. In 2004, Superhero movies were shit, so The Incredibles stood out as a beacon of hope for things to come. Now Superhero films have been able to elevate their game, bring a whole lot more exciting things, and this film more or less stayed the same. My mind checked out by the end, and it felt like too little too late.

2 out of 4.

Babies are hard to care for. Hialrious!

Ralph Breaks The Internet

This sequel is a lot sooner after the first film, to maximize off of its success. However, this felt like a rushed piece of movie that relied on current style jokes only to work, which is going to doom it in the long run. This movie is by Disney, who wanted to flex their expansive collection and throw in all of the princesses and more in an internet hub world to make people giddy, almost as counter to Ready Player One , another nostalgia heavy film. Except this one combines nostolgia with extremely current, so we get memes, we get current popular websites, and it is going to do what many modern comedies do: fade into obscurity in a few years.

It is still nice to look at, and the ending is totally weird, but honestly, they made Ralph into such a shit in this movie. In the first film, he was tired of being a bad guy, who tried to do the right thing, but from his good intentions some bad still happened. In this film, he becomes selfish and straight up almost gaslighting Penelope into staying, and going out of his way to be a dick, whcih causes the problems. He felt like an extreme nice guy. “I did all of this for you, and now you want to leave!? Love me!” These are not the traits to be highlighting in our animated heroes, even if he learns his lesson. He still needed to not be such a dick.

2 out of 4.

Ha ha ha ha screaming goats ha ha manipulation ha ha ha free will.

Sgt. Stubby: An American Hero

This movie is an awkward one, as it had a small release, not a big studio, and looked like absolute shit. Letting us know it is based on a true dog from World War I doesn’t make this feel any less uncomfortable the whole time. In highlighting what a dog did, with most likely extreme examples that might not have happened, we downplay the hell out of actual soldiers in the war who died. I don’t know if anyone is still alive from that war, but I know they would definitely not like this movie iteration.

It was a terrible war, and not saying we can’t make kid versions about the war. But it didn’t do a good job of really informing the details of the war, so it isn’t really educational. Instead, it is a super pup movie, who has a soldier friend, who saves everybody. It is so soft and basic it just feels like a waste of time. Cool, at least one dog in a war was given the title of sergeant. Please don’t trivialize the war at the same time.

1 out of 4.

Yo dawg, just no.

Sherlock Gnomes

For those of you who did not see Gnomeo and Juliet (which I will assume is everybody), it was lawn gnomes, but the Romeo and Juliet story line. And for whatever reason, they got Elton John on board with it, and a lot of his hits were either background, or the tune of his songs with different lyrics. It was uncomfortable. So yeah, let’s do a sequel. But a different story. Completely unrelated, except also being British in nature.

Now, if you are like me, you assumed okay, new story, new hero and will just be gnomes. But no, they think we really like the pair from the previous movie and it is still really about them, with also a mystery and extra characters. And despite the first being a big movie about their romance and getting together, this one is also about how Gnomeo is a shitbag who won’t let his woman do her own things, so he has to be insecure and they should not be a couple. More bad things for kids, really. Also, what the fuck is this Shelock plot line. I haven’t seen Homes & Watson yet, but this has got to be the worst year for that poor detective in hundreds of years. Straight up I will let you know, at some point, Watson is found to be part of the bad guy plot as well, because they want something new. Get out of here.

Oh yeah, and still, Elton John music.

0 out of 4.

Here are four characters no one ever has, or will, care about.

Smallfoot

This is one of those movies I had completely dismissed before watching it. It looked like an Illumination movie, and they are generally godawful always. But it isn’t that! It is Warner Bros, who is known for Lego Movies and Storks (and that’s it right now). Knowing Storks, I wasn’t excited either. But strangely enough, Smallfoot had a lot going on for it. It had pretty good lead acting and some fun characters. It dealt with a serious topic about dealing with religious doctrination, from many angles. It didn’t say blindly follow, or screw all of it and get rid of it. There were layers to the plot.

I didn’t know it had songs in it either, so when they started I was a bit turned off, but for the most part they are really great. Even when one had to take the riff from Under Pressure, it completely ran with the premise and made it into something wonderful. Shit, the music was dope. I laughed. Now the ending did have a lot of problems, it got clunky and a bit off. But for the most part, Smallfoot is a solid film and better than most of the animated films this year. I’m looking at you, Disney and Pixar.

3 out of 4.

Who really has the small feet in this situation, WB, Disney, or Pixar?

Teen Titans Go! To The Movies

And finally, we have a movie that came in a summer and I actually heard a lot of good things about. I heard it was hilarious. I heard I didn’t need to watch the show to like. I watched the first Teen Titans a few times, and it seemed quality. The Go version looked like, and maybe even smelled like trash. And it turns out, their movie seems to go with my preconceptions of the show.

Let’s make this clear. I didn’t laugh once. It had a few fart and potty jokes in it. It had a group of five people but it could not at all let them all be the stars, despite it being a team film. Clearly, a movie about Robin wanting a movie about himself will be more about him. Fine. But the other four are barely used. Cyborg is used a lot more, then Beast Boy, and our girls are rarely mentioned or get a line it seems. It is also a surprise musical, with some tunes being nice.

But what makes this movie insufferable is its over reliance on meta humor and current meme standards. We get it. Its a movie about making a super hero movies. We got superheroes in it, and they are hilarious. It just went all these terrible directions and never felt like something I would ever want to watch. It is like an idea someone made on an internet message board, and for whatever reason, a studio executive was drunk and actually listened to it. Yeah, a movie about making movies. But fart humor. And not showcasing all of the members of the team. And repeated jokes. Yes. God awful.

0 out of 4.

God awful.

Overall, I am not surprised that three of these films got the lowest rating. I am surprised at how much I disliked Teen Titans though, could never imagine that poor of a film. I figured Sgt. Stubb would have been worse. I am surprised at the mediocrity from our big studios and how good Smallfoot ended up being.

Some of these films will make the worst of the year list, none will make the best. If you wanted quality animated films from this year, from America, check out Isle of Dogs and Spider-Man: Into The Spiderverse.

The show Chuck had a magnificent run of five seasons. It is incredible, because it had piss poor live ratings, despite a thriving fan community. It was a nerdy action comedy, a genre that doesn’t get a whole lot of love, especially on the TV.

I am glad it didn’t end too soon, but it is good to see it finally getting a movie as an add on.

Oh wait, shit. This movie, Chuck, is about something completely unrelated. And it was originally called The Bleeder. Well fuck, that sounds like a better title, and a title that wont get me super pumped up on Zachary Levi first. And it is a true story.

Well, I assume whoever this Chuck guy is, he better not secretly also be a spy.

I wonder why it might have been called The Bleeder.

Chuck Wepner (Liev Schreiber) from Bayonne, New Jersey, was a boxer, but it didn’t pay the bills. He had odd jobs, and selling liquor. But he was still a boxer first, he was known for surviving a long time in fights. He could really take a punch to the head. He was also nicknamed the Bayonne Bleeder, on account of how easy it was for his head to bleed, but he hated that nickname. He had fought against George Foreman and other notables, but he was finally getting on a hot streak.

Another person getting on a hot streak was Muhammad Ali (Pooch Hall), who just won the heavyweight champion title against the odds. And against even more odds, Don King wanted Ali to fight a white man, and Wepner was the highest ranked white heavyweight white man, so he got the gig. He was getting paid a lot less than Ali, but it was a lot of money from a bloke from Jersey, and he finally got to train full time.

But his bout with Ali was just the beginning. After that, he became a pseudo celebrity. And he even had a movie made about him. You may have heard about it? It was called Rocky, don’t cha know.

Ron Perlman played his manager/trainer, Elisabeth Moss was Wepner’s wife, Jim Gaffigan was his best friend, and Naomi Watts was his life. Also Jason Jones as another friend and Morgan Spector as young Sylvester Stallone.

“Eeyyy yo, Chuckie! I made some money!”

Chuck Wepner seems like a really interesting person. You gotta be built a certain way to just take a lot of punches and he used that to his advantage. He has a good story, and the story we were given broke the mold a bit. Because this is a boxing movie with arguably, not a lot of boxing. The fight with Ali was done with about 2/3 of the movie left to go, and the fight wasn’t done to showcase the excitement of boxing. It was just another part of the film.

No the real story of the movie is his life before and after the fight. And it got a little bit meta feeling, which I understand is the wrong word, when Rocky came out and how that changed Wepner’s life. I mean, we had a guy playing Stallone in this film, the production of Rocky 2 and more. We got to see his hard times, his bad personal life, and more. So it was bio drama first, then boxing movie second.

The first third of the movie was great, if not pretty standard. I will note after the Ali fight the film seemed to drag a bit more and I had no idea where it was going throughout it. Some okay moments, but they harped on a few of them just way too long. But the acting was fine, and they did a good job of trying to make everyone uglier to better represent New Jersey.

And overall, seeing Schreiber in this role felt really good. But what this movie really made me wonder is when the fuck will Goon: Last of the Enforcers come to America?

2 out of 4.

I totally forgot the film Experimenter existed. In 2015, I saw it was coming out, planned on watching it, and then, well, we are halfway through 2016 now. Shit.

The only reason I remembered it existed was browsing Anton Yelchin‘s IMDB page, looking for recent films he was in that sounded interesting enough to review. The title Experimenter seemed good so I figure’d I’d “randomly” give it a shot.

It wasn’t until I actually started watching the film did I remember that I totally knew about this film before and I once again have found myself being a forgetful dumbass.

But hey, Yelchin is in this movie! And some other folks, can’t wait!

And I also have a huge hankerin’ for some science, even if it is of the social variety.

Stanley Milgram (Peter Sarsgaard) is a social psychologist in the 1960’s-80’s, known for quite a few extreme experiments that really got the world talking. And no, he didn’t do The Stanford Prison Experiment, he did all the other ones.

This is mostly about his super famous experiments, dealing with obedience, trying to figure out why so many people could commit terrible acts during the Holocaust. This had a great concern to Milgram, who himself was Jewish. So the main point of his experiment was simple.

He would have two people come in, one would randomly be assigned the teacher, the other the learner. The learner would be hooked up to an machine that would shock them every time they got an answer wrong and they would sit alone in a room. The teacher would ask them questions based on a memory assignment and if the learner asked the question wrong they would get an electrical shock. Every wrong question, another shock, but a higher voltage level. And the teacher got a sample low shock at the beginning to get a feel for it.

Over time, the learner would start to scream louder and louder. And eventually ask for it to stop and then refuse to talk and refuse to answer (which makes them more wrong). The teacher doesn’t know that the learner is actually someone in on the experiment and not getting shocked at all. And of course, Milgram’s results were shocking. The world wasn’t ready for his tests and they raised quite a hubbub.

The first half of the film is mainly about that experiment and its variations, with the second half being the rest of his life, his other smaller (and still brilliant) experiments, life with his wife (Winona Ryder) and eventual death. Sad face.

Also featuring Jim Gaffigan and John Palladino as assistants, and John Leguizamo, Anton Yelchin, and Taryn Manning as a few people who were paid participants. Aka, very small roles.

This unflattering freeze frame of Gaffigan gives him a mouth that can fit several hot pockets.

Experimenter ended up being a really strange movie and not your normal biopic. It is definitely a drama, but it still feels comedic in a way without telling a lot of jokes. Like, the whole film is saying his life is just one big joke, but again, not in a mean way. It is narrated by Sarsgaard, constantly breaking the fourth wall to discuss his life (and death), no shame at all. Hell, it even has an elephant in the background to not so subtly talk about the elephant in the room.

Speaking of backgrounds, a lot of them are just so incredibly fake it is beyond obvious. Like they made this film in the actual time period that it is set. You can notice it in the car rides, when they go to a one time scene, and it is just fake. It was intentional, perhaps because they are almost insinuating that the aspects of his life not in the university are just a series of tests and fake set ups for experiments.

Shit, from the last two paragraphs, you might think this movie is meta as fuck. And honestly, I think that was their point. Meta as fuck but in a strangely subtle, obvious way.

I clearly have no idea what I am actually talking about. This movie is really entertaining and just so damn odd. I want to learn a lot more about Milgram, so I should read that book that made people scared of him. Or a biography that goes over all of his most famous experiments.

4 out of 4.

I feel like I am constantly fighting a losing battle. Right now I only go to one pre-screening a week (two if a special occasion) and rarely see new things in theaters, unless I have a super strong desire. It seems like when given a choice every week, I will end up picking the serious drama or action movie, skipping the comedy. I have actually skipped a lot of comedies. They just don’t have the same strong pull from them to see them on the big screen. They are things that I can easily wait for a DVD release to rent at home and watch alone with ice cream.

Anyways, every time I think I am about to catch up on the last few comedies, a few more come out. I skip those in theaters and this endless cycle continues as always.

Hot Pursuit is not the end of my journey. Since then this summer, there are at least two other major comedies that came out that I am waiting to be released. Oh well, I will sally forth and hopefully giggle a bit.

A movie with two female leads and they aren’t shoving sexuality in my face? I’m not mad, just surprised really!

Rose Cooper (Reese Witherspoon) is the kind of person everyone will collectively hate. She is focused on only one thing, her career, and it enters all aspects of her life. You see, her dad used to be a cop and was the best on the force. So she grew up with just him and went on a lot of ride alongs. She learned the lingo, learned everything, she just didn’t learn how to be social. Now she is an adult and in the evidence room because she is apparently also slightly retarded despite the fact that she should be a super cop.

But now she has a field mission! Her and a US Marshall (Richard T. Jones) have to head down to South Texas to pick up two people for the witness protection program. Felipe (Vincent Laresca) and Daniella Riva (Sofia Vergara) are going to witness against the cartel leader Vincente Cortez (Joaquin Cosio)! Scary! It is very time sensative, they need to be at the courthouse the next day to testify. If they go too early, they might get hitmen after them or something! Cooper gets to go, because if there is a female witness, there needs to be a female officer. Oh well, she will take anything.

Of course, after they show up, some armed intruders break in and kill Felipe and the Marshall, leaving Cooper all alone with Daniella. She can’t trust anyone, because who knows who is on Cortez’s payroll. So she has to figure out how to get her to the trial on her own, in one piece, with multiple sides now coming against us. Basically, a great first real field assignment.

Also featuring a bunch more dudes, including: Matthew Del Negro, Michael Mosley, Robert Kazinsky, Jim Gaffigan, John Carroll Lynch, Michael Ray Escamilla, and Benny Nieves.

Oh good. Slightly better outfits for the pervs out there.

To continue with the trend I mentioned earlier, unsurprisingly, Hot Pursuit was not that funny. Honestly. One actually great scene, which is the main reason the review gets a 1. It involved cocaine and characters on said drug. Fantastic. Comedy gold. Everything else was just a slow, dull bore.

There were plot twists! They weren’t good. There were jokes in English and Spanish! They weren’t good. Witherspoon’s character was so uptight, by the book, and yet dumb! That wasn’t funny. Vergara kept trying to run away! Wasn’t funny. Maybe a scene where they badly try to act like lesbians to get out of a jam? Nope, still not funny.

Sorry for spoiling most of the movie.

But damn. If I had to give the movie any credit, Witherspoon was definitely acting like a different person. She had a strange accent and everything.

Hot Pursuit is a hot mess from start to finish and is not worthy of anyone’s time or attention.

1 out of 4.

Love Sick Love is not the first movie with a man duct taped to a chair on the cover that I have decided to watch randomly.

No, that would be Serious Moonlight.

But I ended up liking Serious Moonlight, so why not this one? I bet it just a darker take than Serious Moonlight, since it is advertised as a thriller.

Or maybe I just like it when women duct tape their significant others to chairs in film?

Oh shit, this one has kids!

Norman (Matthew Settle) has got it going on. He is decently wealthy, one of those guys who buys up foreclosed homes, fixes em up, and sells them back for profit. It is going excellent. He also has been seeing a few ladies on the side, nothing serious yet. Like Dori (Katia Winter). They have had a small sex based relationship for about two months, every once in awhile, nothing serious yet. So he doesn’t mind that she invites him up to a cabin for the weekend. It will be fun and exciting.

Even if she says that she loves him on the first night. Not what he expected, but whatever. The next morning is awkward too, because he hears kids running around. This is not what he expected this weekend to be like, babysitting kids. But they are her kids. A boy and a girl (Dean Kapica, Lindsay Rose Binder), about 7 and 10. That is one way to surprise him, I guess. For some reason they all have Valentine’s day based gifts too, even though it is in July. This bitch is crazy.

Not only that, but how did the kids get here? Of course. Her parents (Charlotte Rae, M. Emmet Walsh) are here too. The fuck?

Nope. Nopenopenope. He is getting out of there. Except for his car steeling wheel seems to have been sawed off. And he has no cell service. WHAT IN THE FUCK NOW HE IS TIED TO THE BED? And they are celebrating Easter?

According to Dori, you don’t know if you are really in love someone until you spend all the holidays with them. So she is going to speed things up and give them a holiday a day. But if he isn’t really ready by New Years, well…

Jim Gaffigan is in this movie. But he isn’t funny. He is just a coworker friend who said don’t go on that trip. That trip is dumb. Good ole Jim.

Normally Easter on its own its torture enough.

The film certainly escalates. It starts with a girl being potentially too attached. Then kids and grandparents. Then car. Then the next thing you know he is hit over the head and tied to a bed. But it could get worse. He could get tied to a chair. Or shackled to the floor. Or chained up by his neck with a shotgun pointed at his face.

Oh dearie me, all of that is exactl what happens.

It is all sorts of fucked up, but I couldn’t take my eyes away. Despite elements of torture, it wasn’t torture porn, like The Loved Ones or Saw. It had some slight, twisted, comedic elements behind it, and torture came from just not letting him leave and subjecting him to the awkward games of torture.

But the part that makes it more fucked up is that somehow the kids and grandparents are involved as well, the kids probably thinking it is all normal. I love the explanation for why Dori does this to men. In her situation, finding the right man IS hard, and she won’t have her looks forever, so she might have to speed it up to make sure the men will love her for her, and not just if she is pretty.

I am not agreeing with the actions in the movie, just noting they make sense.

And honestly, this film was surprisingly entertaining for its premise, and I’d watch it again.

3 out of 4.

17 Again is of course not an original plot. A lot of movies have an older person relive their youth, and find out they actually had it good. Sometimes, they get to become old instead. And also other times, they just switch bodies, such as 18 Again! the movie I first heard of when I read about this one.

I got to see 18 Again! when I was about ten, and probably only really remember any of the plot because hey, there were boobs in it (and it was PG?). Score!

Silly kids, you can’t score points in a cafeteria. You have to use a gym!

Back in the late 80s, Mike (Zac Efron) was a stud. Everyone loved him, nice guy, star of basketball team. But during the game when scouts were on hand to see him, it all went to hell. He found out his girlfriend was pregnant, and to comfort her, he left the game and proposed on the spot, pledging to be the best dad to the kid.

Like, 20 years later, and he has turned into Matthew Perry. He has worked for the same company for 16 years and nothing to show for it. He has two kids now, Alex (Sterling Knight), a shy teenage boy who doesn’t have many friends, and Maggie (Michelle Trachtenberg), a girl who might be dating a bully (Hunter Parrish). And well, his wife (Leslie Mann) now wants a divorce.

Turns out he blames her for the life he is in. If he didn’t go after he, he could have gone to college and been a star maybe. Way to take it out on your wife, jerk face. So he currently lives with his (now rich) best friend from high school (Thomas Lennon) and has a bad relationship with his family. But due to some random magic he finds himself as his 17 year old self again! After the awkward realization, he now sees it as a way to fix his life. Maybe actually stay as the young version and get a do over.

Or maybe, fix his real life. He is now going to school with his kids. Can he warn his daughter and student body about teenage pregnancy and its effects on life? Can he help his son finally fit in? Can he actually fix his marriage? Why is Jim Gaffigan playing a high school coach, when he is the type of guy who never would work out? Can he help his friend get with the school principal (Melora Hardin)? Okay, that probably isn’t a priority.

“Do you dance with all of your friend’s mothers?”

So what did he chose?! Of course he decided fuck all his responsibilities, time to go to college and get those chicks and money. Right? Who wouldn’t.

But that would be crazy. So instead we got an older guy, trying to not get his daughter attracted to him, and not fuck up his life completely. Overall it did have some interesting moments, but it was pretty easy to tell what was going to happen the whole time. Can’t say I saw any part of the friend/principal relationship coming though, that was weird.

The movie is a decent one, nice resolution, but overall doesn’t offer much new to the genre. So besides that, uhh, watch if you want I guess.

2 out of 4.

Again, a movie with a thousand tags. But I will explain it very simply for you so that is all makes sense. The plot of Away We Go it turns out is pretty damn simple to understand. More time for analysis (if I choose). Hooray!

It’s about love. And finding your love’s vagina.

John Krasinski and Maya Rudolph are an unmarried couple, but guess what, they are having a baby. She doesn’t want to get married, but still truly believes they will be together forever. They had moved to be closer to John’s parents (Jeff Daniels and Catherine O’Hara) to have some sort of relative in the babies life, since her parents are dead.

But when she is 6 months in, they find out they are moving to Belgium. For two years. Making their living arrangements kind of pointless. Afraid that their lives are fucked up and bad, they agree to go on a mini vacation to different parts of the country to visit their other family memmbers and friends, to see if they would be good places to live.

First to Arizona, to see Maya’s old boss and her husband / family (Allison Janney and Jim Gaffigan) who seem to be drunk a lot, and not too happy with life, and her sister. Then to Madison, for a job interview, where they also meet John’s cousin and husband (Maggie Gyllenhaal and Josh Hamilton), who are way too extreme on the hippy side.

Then to Montreal, to visit their mutual friends (Melanie Lynskey and Chris Messina), who have adopted many children, due to the unfortunate nature of Melanie’s ability to have a child (multiple miscarriages). Finally, a trip to Miami, to visit John’s brother (Paul Schneider) and help him out of a bad situation.

The whole time they are traveling they are dealing with their own problems, and wondering about their own inadequacies. And by both of them, I mean Maya. Because John is way too swell of a person, and optimistic, he is constantly making things better, all while looking like a hipster.

Exhibit A.

Their final destination choice I will let remain a mystery. Because fuck you, that’s why.

I thought the movie was pretty enjoyable. I laughed a lot more than I expected, thinking it would be a lot more heavily drama-nated. But man, there was many great scenes, and it all felt incredibly real. Hopefully their love in this fictional universe of the movie carries on after the birth and throughout their whole life. You are given a nice feeling that they have found true peace and happiness with their decisions, and everything will work out for the best.

Also, a lot of vagina talk.

3 out of 4.

It’s Kind Of A Funny Story is, surprisingly enough, a comedy. It also stars some guy I have never heard of before. I wasn’t sure if it was supposed to fit in the trend of “Comedy movies about serious topics that might be more sad than funny”, like Funny People (which I hadn’t watched) and 50/50 (which is great). I will get to Funny People eventually, but what I have heard isn’t positive. So I really hoped this one wouldn’t be shit.

Well I mean, because I hope every movie I watch is good. I guess that was obvious.

Oh yeah. And Zach Galifianakis.

The story begins with Keir Gilchrist killing himself. Nah, not really. But thinking about it. He is also thinking about how disappointed his family would be in him if he did it. His family (parents of Lauren Graham and Jim Gaffigan) are disappointed in him a lot, and want him to strive to be smart and get into the best schools / summer schools, to be successful.

He goes to the hospital instead (attaboy!) and tries to get help for having the thoughts, thinking he’d get a pill or something, but actually voluntarily checks himself into the mental ward of a hospital for a week. (“Oh! I get the title now…” – reader) He at first meets Zach G, who claims he is just there on vacation. He also meets Jeremy Davies, who I think is a crazy too, just a head crazy of some sort. Then again, he might just be a chill doctor. I am not sure. But what really catches his eye is another young person who is crazy hot (see what I did there?) in Emma Roberts.

Its also good to note that his two best friends are Zoe Kravitz and Thomas Mann, the former a girl who he has crushed on forever, but is dating the latter, a boy who in all accounts is always more successful than him without much effort.

The story tells of his week, trying to overcome his depression, and figure out what he actually wants in life. There are other nice stories, such as living with a roommate who is afraid to leave his bed, Zach G trying to interview to move from the ward to a group home, and other subtly uplifting things. Also the deal with his love life and what he will do after his week in the ward, of course.

Or during. Hah!

So, somehow this story, which was just enough parts funny and just enough parts aww and thoughtful, I loved. This is my favorite kind of moment, watching a movie I have known for a long time, and finding out it is awesome. Everyone does such a good job and the movie also doesn’t take depression in a zany tone.

Other patients are seen as both crazy and sane at the same time, helping the main guy on his path. It also doesn’t just wash over his issues and say “Okay he is cured! Only took him a week to cure depression guys, its not serious!” I don’t know how a person with depression would feel about this movie, but hopefully not offended.

The only other movie I could compare it too would be The Beaver, just because also about depression and kind of a dark comedy.

But you should check this one out first.

4 out of 4.