Tag: Jeffrey Dean Morgan

“Hey, website guy, why do you keep watching bad movies, then getting upset that the movies are bad?”

Well, reader. Just because a movie is direct to video, not advertised, or unheard of doesn’t mean it is automatically bad. I have found many great films that were blind watches, so that is part of the thrill. Sure, more may have been shit, but when the good ones show up, it is a great feeling. It is a feeling that lets me tell the world that they need to see a movie, so that they too can have some joy in their lives.

But this time, The Courier happens to fall in line with the majority, and isn’t a good outlier.

Generic photo, void of any action.

So in this movie we have a courier (Jeffrey Dean Morgan). We know he is a courier, because his name is The Courier. It is important to establish himself as a courier, and not a transporter, because making a movie about a transporter would be silly. Either way, some guy (Til Schweiger) makes it so he has to deliver a package to another man. He just wont let him know where to find the man, because that would be too easy. So instead, he is getting a lot of money to use his skills to find the man and deliver the package. If he doesn’t, he will die.

Oh, well, I guess he better get to it then.

Some people die, some torture, some plot twist, then some action stuff. Mickey Rourke. Lili Taylor. Miguel Ferrer. Mark Margolis. Yawn.

Generic stand off, still void of any action.

So here is a problem I am facing. Jeffrey Dean Morgan. He is a charismatic guy, I guess. He could be a nice action star. I liked him in a few movies. But now he has been the lead in two movies I have rated 0 out of 4 (The other being The Possession). I don’t do that too often, just as rare as a 4 out of 4. I am proud of my bell curve of ratings! So two films I have just hated that I watched it and would never recommend to anyone in my life ever.

What the hell, Jeff?

This movie was so bad, they didn’t even advertise it correctly, and not for the reason you think. You probably have never heard of the movie, that is fine. It is a direct to video, no theater, action movie. Whatever. But it did have some movie posters regardless. Like this one here. Go on, look. Kind of cool, sure. BUT THEY SPELLED MICKEY ROURKE’S NAME WRONG. On their own dang official poster.

Hah. Just hah.

Get the fuck out of here, The Courier.

U-S-A! U-S-A! U-S-A! U-S-A!

Nothing I love more than patriotism, except maybe blind patriotism. So give me a war movie involving America, and I will probably love it. Red Dawn is of course a remake of the 1980s movie of the same name. The original film was not really a work that most people would describe as great, but maybe entertaining. In that film it was the end of the Cold War, and the USSR along with Cuba invaded the US. Clearly, the enemy has to be updated as well.

Let’s face it, the invading country is fucked when Thor is on our side.

In this distant future, the USA has become involved with more conflicts than they can handle. They have troops all over the world, and some would say that leaves their coast lines defenseless. But who would attack the US? Well, apparently North Korea would! That will teach us to over extend ourselves. Set in Spokane, Washington, Jed Eckert (Chris Hemsworth) has returned home for a visit while being an active duty marine. Jed left home after their mother died six years ago and hasn’t kept in touch. His father (Brett Cullen), a police chief, and brother Matt (Josh Peck), a high school quarterback are reluctant to have him back without a warning.

Then, you know, North Koreans start falling out of the sky in parachutes, and corralling up people in the streets! Hell no. Jed and his brother run away to their father’s cabin, picking up some other high school friends along the way (nerds, played by Josh Hutchenson and Connor Cruise, the latter being the mayor’s son!). Toni (Adrianne Palicki), a female friend is able to find them, but not Erica (Isabel Lucas), Matt’s girlfriend! She is captured! Oh no!

You know the rest of the story, the band of misfits begin to train in the woods and try to slowly take back their town. The Wolverines gain more recruits, more guns, and are quickly able to put a dent in their takeovers side, Captain Cho (Will Yun Lee) doesn’t like being messed with and is determined to fight back. They also find themselves joined by three marines (Jeffrey Dean Morgan, Kenneth Choi, Matt Gerard), looking to join up with the local guerrilla force to acquire the communication device of the enemy. That way, they can hear their transmissions and hopefully start taking out larger groups around the country.

You know. Or die trying.

The fate of the future of America may be in these men’s hands.

In the original Red Dawn, the threat of invasion probably felt a bit more real than it does today. However, I also felt that the previous movie was a bit campy in its actions, kind of making it a action/comedy by today’s standards. Just watch this famous scene again, and try not to laugh.

The remake does a much better job of creating a more serious film, even going so far as to kill off a lot of the characters you might expect to make it to the end. After all, it is a mini war and people die in wars. The audience has come to expect it now.

I think it is interesting how they ended it, leaving it open for potential sequels, and reminding us that there would be no easy fix to having another army invade our borders. But I can also see how it would piss people off. I think they did the right thing, giving us their training in a speech montage, instead of wasting more time before their counter attacks. I actually liked most of the action sequences too, which in turn made me feel pretty patriotic.

This film could have focused more on a lot of the pressing issues of our time, how different citizens react, and how one man can make all the difference, but really they instead went more for the fun action flick. Which is fine, I don’t mind action if its entertaining. Just remember the film seems to be focused more on entertainment, instead of a film focused on changing our attitudes towards war and society.

No, the horror movies from October are not yet done. They are slowly falling through the cracks. I know at least one more I get to see next week, with another I know I never got to see. But that is future talk. Now talk should be reserved for The Possession, in all of its super shitty glory.

“Hey everything about you has changed little girl. Clothes, attitude, are you feeling sad? I am gonna assume nothing is wrong.”

Like every modern movie, the main parents in this one are divorced. Clyde (Jeffrey Dean Morgan) is a made up college basketball coach. You wouldn’t know it was a college coach unless you paid attention to the details, because it looked like he was just in a high school gym the whole time. His wife (Kyra Sedgwick) left him because he spent too much time working, and got to keep the house that he paid for by working, and main custody of the kids.

His children! Hannah (Madison Davenport) the older girl, who talks openly of their separation, and Em (Natasha Calis), a now vegetarian activist, who loves the world. Until they go to a garage sale to get plates for the dad’s new apartment! In the middle of no where! There Em buys a wooden box, because why not. Too bad Jewish Demons live in the box and want to kill everyone.

What? Yeah. Em begins talking to the box after she figures out how to open it. And it talks back. Despite the weird things happening, like changing her wardrobe, only being by the box, attacking kids, being slathered in insects, yelling, and what have you, people really can’t seem to put two and two together. Even creeping around in the kitchen eating raw meat and attacking her mom with glass isn’t really enough to drive the point home. They are like, oh okay, vacation time. Because the new boyfriend, a dentist (Grant Show) is such a great guy.

But eventually the dad gets it. He finds out it is a Jewish curse. So he finds some Jewish curse experts to help catch the demon. TOo bad the only one willing is a young gun, Tzadok (Matisyahu), and hopefully they can snatch the demon out of the girls body and trap her back. Or you know, have her spirit roam everywhere, from body to body. Either or.

Matis. Fucking. Yahu.

Alright, there were a lot of problems with the movie. Yes terrible acting, and unbelievable actions from everyone, but that is a given in the genre. Unfortunately most other things were bad too. Like the transition between scenes. After something bad happened, it tended to switch to the next day or a few hours later. But every time it was an instant change with a loud DONG or BOOM, can’t even remember the noise. They just used it more than five times, and it was just laughable at how awkward it sounded.

I am probably biased here, but there was a side story of another college interested in his talents for coaching basketball, even though he is like a Div 2 coach and doesn’t seem to do much with his team. They don’t give the name, but it is heavily implied to be UNC Chapel Hill, which is even more laughable that a school like that would show a vague interest like they do.

But from the start of the film to the end, it just seemed like they took only the worst ideas they could think of to form the narrative. It wasn’t scary, it was just awkward. Lots of awkward. Lawkwards.

There is no way this is not the worst horror movie of the Halloween season.

The Losers is one of those “Oh this is based on a comic? Why?” type movies. No super heroes involved, just your normal run of the mill elite black ops team, who gets set up/framed, and have to fix it. A story I might have wrote about yesterday, and very popular.

This movie came out around the same time as The A-Team though, which means you were far more likely to not ever see or hear of The Losers, as they are easily compared.

But this one has more than four people. And a woman! Eventually.

Ooh, lets try and do this the team way!
First we have Clay (Jeffrey Dean Morgan) the leader of the group.
Then there is Roque (Idris Elba) the second in command.
Jensen ( Chris Evans) is the communications/tech guy, and a lot of the comic relief.
Pooch (Columbus Short) is the driver, and soon to be family man.
And finally, Cougar (Oscar Jaenada) their ‘long range specialist/sniper’, wears a hat, and doesn’t talk much (At all). So mysterious. So deadly.

Well the missions they take are never officially wrote down, very very covert, don’t technically exist in the government. They are in Bolivia on a search and destroy mission for a drug cartel, but find that the camp has dozens of slave children. They try to call off the attack to their handler, Max (Jason Patric) but he ignores them. So they do the reasonable thing, break into the compound, kill the drug lord, rescue the children and barely escape!

On the helicopter sent to pick them up, they decide to stay behind and save the children instead. And when it gets up to leave. BAM. Missile. It was meant to kill them instead. They know there will be huge back lash here, so they decide to fake their deaths as if they were in the helicopter, and plot their revenge against Max. Which they get four months later, when another mysterious person, Aisha (Zoe Saldana) has a plan. But can she be trusted.

Stealing hard drives, and getting to Max is the rest of the movie, and having to go through his “top notch security” (Holt McCallany). Also filled with betrayal, the Losers try and stop Max before he acquires new age weapon technology, and you know, start a new world war.

The “mind bullets/tech support” scene is one of the better scenes. Of all time. Complete with Journey!

Seriously though, you will probably enjoy that scene even without the rest of the movie. That is what comic relief character gets you. Great scenes.

It is definitely more action than comedy, not everything is laugh out loud heelarious, but the movie is not meant to be taken too seriously. The first picture of the review is just covered in campiness.

Other aspects I found boring. I enjoyed it, but on a rewatch, not as much interests me as it did before. So its definitely a one and done kind of film. Won’t blow your socks off, but can be enjoyed if you are in the right mood.

The cover of The Resident makes it look like it involves a stalker of some sort. Probably someone who shares the apartment complex. Awesome. I don’t mind creepy thrillers, they are like a lame horror.

Unless of course this movie decides to make it not too creepy or thrillery…just weird and dumb. Which it does. Damn it.

“In before the ‘rape’ talk.”

The plot is very simple, because well, the movie is very simple. Hilary Swank is an ER doctor, and is breaking up with her boyfriend. She needs a new apartment, finds a big one in a complex that is being reconstructed, with only about one other tenant (Christopher Lee, with maybe the smallest/most pointless role in his career).

Also the price is damn cheap, since she’d have to hear construction noises. Jeffrey Dean Morgan, the owner, isn’t bad looking either. EXCEPT HE IS OBSESSED WITH SWANK AND SPIES ON HER AT NIGHT AND SOMETIMES SNEAKS IN AND TOUCHES HER. ALSO HE MIGHT BE DRUGGING HER TO TAP THAT. Very romantic.

Eventually she finds out, freaks out but not with enough time to tell authorities. Long struggle. Eventually he dies. Movie over.

Before I analyze why I hated it, fun fact, in P.S. I Love You, Hilary Swank loses her husband and takes forever to get over him. Eventually she does, and partially because of some “sexy Irish man” she meets, who is played by, of course, Jeffrey Dean Morgan. From love to rape. It happens.

They don’t even make the “whodunnit” part suspenseful.

This movie is not good. That is an opinion, but I will say it in a stern voice. There is no possibility that the early tampering with Swank is not done by any other character other than the one who does it. Most of the scenes show him sitting in between walls and shaking. All Swank does is take awkward baths and take, well…some abuse. Until she finds out.

I didn’t find it creepy, just weird. I didn’t find it scary, just weird. I didn’t find it good, just stupid. I felt like very little happened. Even tried to show a whole bunch of scenes over, to show how weird the guy is, and it just confused me more than anything.

I award this movie no points and may god have mercy on its soul.