Tag: Horror

Happy Valentine’s Day!

Are you disappointed I didn’t review Valentine’s Day? Me too, a bit, but I just got My Bloody Valentine on Blu-Ray for a whole dollar, so I really really wanted to review it sometime soon. Before we all forget that this remake was even happening.

One thing I remember from the previews for My Bloody Valentine, way back in 2009, is that it really really wanted to sell the whole 3D idea. This came out about 11 months before Avatar, so at that point, no one cared about 3D movies. It was usually that Blue-Red crap, and the RealD stuff hadn’t really expanded that much (Although that is what this movie used). So yeah, I remember thinking, “3D, ew!” because I assumed it would be shit.

Boy, look how far we have come as a society.

That’s right. Killers in grocery stores. That is about three steps away from Nirvana.

The movie takes place in a shitty small mining community. Back in the day, they had a mining collapse that trapped several people inside. Days later, only one of the miners was found alive, Harry Warden, but he was in a coma. This took place on Valentine’s Day. That might be important. Either way, they find out the other miners were killed by a pickaxe and determined Harry killed them to give himself all the available air. He wakes up from his coma a year later, going on a murderous rampage in the hospital and mine (where a teen party is being held) before he is a shot and killed.

But the majority of the movie takes place ten years later…

Tom (Jensen Ackles) has returned to town. His father was the owner of the mine, and he has just died, so he has come back to sell it. He barely survived the attack from Warden ten years prior, the police killing him right before the blow. A mistake of Tom is also reason for the cave in, so the death of the miners was also on his hands. Either way, he left town, vowing to never return, but now he is back.

And guess what, apparently so is Warden.

Tom’s old girlfriend Sarah (Jaime King) is now married to Axel (Kerr Smith), who is the new town Deputy. Too bad he is cheating on her with Megan (Megan Boone).

Needless to say, someone is starting to kill people again, and most of them are related to the events from ten years ago. Whether it be the local cops now retired (Kevin Tighe, Tom Atkins) or teens that were partying in the mines that night. And who is the killer? Someone involved? Or a random townsfolk who is upset that the mine might be sold, ruining business?

Edi Gathegi is also in this, as a deputy.

The main actress has all the qualifications necessary to star in a horror film.

My Bloody Valentine is actually a remake of a 1981 film with the same name. From what I can tell, they have wildly different plots, except for the killers trademark gear and weapons.

I must say, I was surprised at how many ways he could kill someone with a pickaxe/shovel/mining gear. There were several creative ways, and the dude did a good job sticking to the theme.

And hey, technically, by the end, I was still guessing on who the killer actually could be. I don’t hate the answer, it was nicely done and added a unique angle to it all.

That being said, this is probably a shitty movie and you know it. It goes over the top on purpose, and stays near the top, with ridiculous situation and kills that are at least mildly entertaining. The acting is dull, but that is what it was going for.

Adding it all up, it is probably the best Valentine’s Day themed killer movie there is, but being on top doesn’t mean great quality.

I’ve seen some weird movies in my days.

You know it is true, because I go and seek them out. Weird strange movies are like my beer of choice, if I had a beer of choice.

Which is why I was interested in seeing Bad Milo! The plot line is definitely on the weirder side, and it had the potential of being a good horror/comedy, not just a shitty one. So, you know. Hope it delivers, and shit.

You will be grinning like this guy once you get that last subtle joke.

Not gonna lie. I watched this like two weeks ago, and kind of forgot to write the plot outline right away. So I am going to vague it up.

Duncan (Ken Marino) has. Um. Stomach problems.

Like, really big stomach problems. Turns out there might be a polyp or something in his stomach. Not good. But it turns out, his stomach problem has the ability to kill. Just not him. During a very big episode in the bathroom, Duncan passes out. When that happens a big…well, look at the picture. That thing leaves his ass, all evil and shit, and goes and kills someone who was annoying him at that moment. The thing returns, safely crawling back into his ass and he doesn’t know about it.

Yay! What?

Yes, apparently poor Duncan is hosting his own inner demon, that kills for him. Kind of strange.

Also starring Gillian Jacobs as his wife! Stephen Root, Peter Stormare, and Patrick Warburton too, as various characters.

Shit, this movie is a romance. Who saw that coming?

Bad Milo was a very…well…interesting movie.

The concept I can say is unique, even though it is parodying off of some other horror tropes. Not enough ass play in those regular movies though, so this one had to add that element, so that we could all laugh and enjoy it.

The movie is unfortunately really low quality, which I would say negatively affected my viewing. Just a bit too low budget B-movie for me.

Really, it just didn’t do that much for me. That is why I took so long to finally write this review (And going to 5 days a week of course). Even though I like some of the actors involved, it just didn’t feel creative enough for me. Sure, ass monsters that leave and kill people? Creative. But everything else, ehhh.

I am probably just being a negative nancy. I think I gave the movie a fair shot, it just didn’t appease. Oh well. I am sure there will be more shitty movies in the future that I might enjoy.

Because of a freak blizzard, I wasn’t able to see Ride Along and Devil’s Due until the actual day they came out. What!? Madness.

For that reason, I had to find some other devil based horror movie to watch. That also involved shaky cam. That also sucked.

Hey, thank’s a lot The Devil Inside!

That’s a creepy way to tell someone you’d go down on them.

In this totally true story, it is going for a “documentary” format, not just awkward shaky cam. This woman, Maria Rossi (Suzan Crowley) supposedly killed three people, including two priest in the 1980s, and it was a big mystery as to why. She was sent to a psychiatric hospital in Rome, and basically forgot about. Except not forgot about by Isabella Rosi (Fernanda Andrade), who is totally her daughter. Couldn’t you tell from the last names?!

So she hires a camera man Michael Schaefer (Ionut Grama) to get to the bottom of it.

Eventually, they go to Rome, and somehow get into a class on exorcisms with a whole bunch of Vatican cardinals and shit? That seems odd, but I guess it works.

There, some people argue about exorcism versus just other psychological disorders. Apparently the Catholic Church doesn’t do many official exorcisms anymore since the mid-90s, because they have to be 100% certain before trying now. So they won’t fix her mom, trapped in a Catholic looney bin. But no fear, she somehow meets two priests who are totally willing to let her know they do exorcisms on the side and will help. Father Ben Rowlings (Simon Quarterman) and Father David Keane (Evan Helmuth).

Then some stuff happens, people die, and a shitty “documentary” was made.

Wait, this bitch was actually in the movie? Pretty sure I missed her.

All the shitty horrors. When did this movie come out? Sometime in the last year and a half? I remember it coming out and I had no desire to see it, but obviously I realized that isn’t the point of my website. Watch everything I can, try to get the underdog or weird movies.

Fuck, I just looked up the stats. It has a reported budget around $1 million, because it is just another shitty exorcism movie. The box office money is apparently $101 million. That is $100 million in profit. Stop it. Stop it right now everyone.

I found no redeeming qualities in this movie. It wasn’t even long enough to get good. Less than 90 minutes, boring story, bad scares, fake messages, dumb ending.

Just. What? And the fact that all the advertising is that nun lady, who I don’t remember actually seeing. It must have a been a quick bullshit scene though.

I will say again, this movie had no redeeming qualities at all for me. It should be burned. Devil’s Due was miles beyond this one.

Stop the presses! This is a found footage horror movie. By that I mean one where all of the footage is created by various characters in the movie, not like, lost and found later. Unfortunately found footage just means hand held cam now. This is all besides the point.

This “found footage” movie, Devil’s Due, doesn’t pretend to be real. It is set in the real world like all movies, but they don’t give us some bullshit premise like based on actual events or using completely unknown actors. But I know the main three actors from this movie! Two of them from really successful TV shows, and the third from a not so successful TV show.

That also means this one might have some sort of acting talent in it, but I am not willing to assume that yet.

Sometimes your baby bump is, err…a really big bump?

Zach (Zach Gilford, from Friday Night Lights) and Samantha (Allison Miller, from Go On) are getting marrieeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeed.

Yay! Zach’s dad used to video tape everything growing up, recording all of his families vacations and favorite moments so that they would always have it on record. Samantha, on the other hand, doesn’t remember a lot about her past. Her parents died in a car accident when she was still in the womb, so she has been a foster kid all her life. But that doesn’t matter, because she has a family now.

Zach wants to make sure she has memories from here on now, so he decides to do that video taping thing. During the honeymoon, after a late night of being lost in Dominican Republic (because clearly the best place for a Honeymoon), they are taken to a strange underground club, drugged, and impregnated with the spawn of Satan. Yayyyy Satan!

Either way, somehow she is now pregnant despite never missing a birth control ill. Powerful sperm, right Zach? Then begin 9 months of torture, weird behavior, and people dying. Which basically seems like a normal pregnancy. Sam Anderson, from Lost, plays their main priest.

Checking Amniotic fluid? Yeah, that’s a normal pregnancy thing.

I guess I already alluded to this joke, but really, this whole movie could just be considered a metaphor for an actual pregnancy. Everything just playing in the husbands eyes all weird/wrong because he is actually crazy. That isn’t what they were going for, but it still could work.

Yes, this movie is clearly just Rosemary’s Baby done in a different way. Don’t care.

As what is typical in a film like this, the horror doesn’t appear early, it takes awhile to show up, and then builds. So they fill the first half with cheap scares and other bullshit. The number of times the dog barks suddenly in a tense moment (once when the camera just switches to a later moment out of no where) is ridiculous. The fact that there are so many cameras eventually also proves troublesome, only in that some cool scary shit starts to happen, but they still don’t show us the viewers despite the cameras. That is just mean / dumb / lazy. Not sure. Show that woman getting fucked up, damn it.

I’m done talking about the movie. It is however set in North Carolina, just not filmed there. I first thought I saw the name of a newspaper with Raleigh in the title, but it wasn’t the actual name of Raleigh’s newspaper. Then I saw an OBX magnet on their fridge, and NC license plates everywhere. So that is kind of cool. Even if they actually filmed it in Louisiana. Woo, NC horror movies?

Oh Paranormal Activity series, how you disappoint me.

Originally, Paranormal Activity 5 was supposed to come out in October, as the other films had all done the four years previously. The only news about it was that it would star Demi Lovato. But something changed. They weren’t going to continue to give us another film with no more answers and a lot more bullshit. No. We were getting a spinoff.

We were getting Paranormal Activities: The Marked Ones in January, and it has a Hispanic theme to it. Yay spin-offs. Hopefully this one doesn’t have too many scenes where if you blink you will miss the scares, which I found annoying from the first one.

Oh huh, apparently if you blink you might get more than you bargained in your eyes.

This part of the franchise also takes place in the majestic California, in the summer of 2012. Jesse (Andrew Jacobs) just graduated high school and he has his whole life ahead of him. So, perfect time to just continue to live with his grandmother (Renee Victor) in her small apartment complex and not worry about things like jobs. Fuck jobs. Especially when a relative gave him a handheld camera to use, and a gopro, so he can just dick around with his good friend Hector (Jorge Diaz).

Well, beneath their apartment also lies a weird old lady, Anna (Gloria Sandoval), who some claim is a witch. They do end up noticing some strange stuff coming out of her apartment, noises and people, including Oscar (Carlos Pratts), the valedictorian of his high school class. But when she mysteriously dies, from Oscar, that is when stuff gets weird.

First, Jesse wakes up with a weird bite mark on his arm. Next thing he knows, after getting mugged, he is able to throw the muggers far from his body without even trying. Hey. He has basically developed super powers. Anything he really tries to do, works for him. He can’t fall. He can skateboard well. He can do some telepathic shit. Even his (sister? cousin? Not sure?) Marisol (Gabrielle Walsh) is getting involved with the shenanigans.

Then you know. Shit starts getting creepy. Bad stuff happens. Paranormal Activity.

Do you see it? Do you see the paranormalness?

I’d say my biggest beef with this series is its overall lack of direction. Why are they being piss poor at explaining what is going on with the witches and the demons and the possessions? Because they don’t know, and have no game plan. They are just winging it as they go. That is the only explanation that they can make a prologue movie (#3) and not give any real answers, just more confusion, and make a movie about a different family (#4) that just adds more confusion and no coherency.

But…I think…I think more of it is making sense with this movie. Shocking I know. Yes, it does bring more elements. But it introduces one very cool concept to the series, which really shows itself off completely in the ending, which made it a tad bit more wicked in the grand scheme of all the things.

Yes, elements of the film are basically identical to the end of 3 and 4. Bunch of old white ladies mostly wearing black at night. But they changed it enough. They made characters who can fight back a bit, which was exciting to see. The two male leads had fantastic chemistry together, and made the earlier parts more amusing.

Although they definitely fit this spinoff into the main series pretty well with cameos, I think parts of it do contradict other elements of the series. They really don’t know who they want their main villains to be.

This film I wouldn’t classify as super scary overall, but it did have its moments.

Fuck it. I didn’t like really any movie in this series. But this one was okay. I am glad they did the spinoff, this is now my favorite Paranormal Activity. Which sucks, because if I want to buy it, I kind of have to go and get the other 4 or else I won’t have the complete set… Sad times.

Holy holy holy shit.

Let me let you in on a little story. In order to become a master of pop culture, I determined I had to watch every movie. Literally every single one. How else will I know all the trivia? How will I know if something truly is bad?

Originally my rules were that I would watch everything, but horror. True, I still consider myself a coward and might only half watch the screen when scary stuff is about to happen, but that ban has been lifted like, a year ish ago, just because.

But why did I have the ban in the first place? It is because I really…really…REALLY did not want to ever watch or see The Human Centipede. So when people asked me if I had seen it, I of course said no, don’t watch horror.

Now, I have nothing to hide from. So I present to you, MY 1000TH MOVIE REVIEW (Milestone Review): The Human Fucking Centipede.

What in the what what fuck?

Our story, like so many before it, takes place in modern day Germany. Land of freedom and opportunity. Just ask these two girls, Lindsay (Ashley C. Williams) and Jenny (Ashlynn Yennie). They are in the area to get their clubbing on, but one of them is pretty bad at directions so they get lost on a dirt road, with a flat tire, in the rain.

So after getting sexually harassed in God’s Language Deutsch by a fat man, they decide to go look for help instead of wait for help. Leading to a very modern looking house, with lights on, yay!

Don’t fret girls. You are going to get your tire fixed in no time!

Thankfully, the Doctor is in. Dr. Heiter (Dieter Laser), great surgeon, currently enjoying a break from work. Conducting his own research at home, for shits and giggles. But mostly shits. Heh… Heh… Heh…

Needless to say, he drugs them and after some resistance, they wake up in his state of the art basement/torture dungeon.

I mean, hey, at least its clean.

There, the girls learn their ultimate fate. Like what he did to his three dogs (who died), he wants to connect three human beings together.

Not by the hip.

Not by an arm.

Not by the neck.

No, by their entire gastric system.

Ass to mouth x2.

Why would someone want to do this? BECAUSE SCIENCE, THAT’S WHY!

Not to mention the strange contraption that will come out of it. But hey, if the science is sound, then it should work. Unless you ignore the fact that humans need vitamins and specific nutritional amounts that probably don’t exist in feces. But whatever, science and stuff.

He grabs another victim somehow, this time, Katsuro (Akihiro Kitamura), a man who only speaks Japanese, but more importantly, fits the blood type of our two girls. Yes excellent indeed.

After a close escape from Lindsay, the surgery can commence.

I hope no one ate anything before hand. That could have made this messy.

Huh, guess this is the second closest time I’ve gotten to showing “nudity” on my website. Can’t really be helped, when half the movie has two topless women in it, I guess.

The surgery is a success! But our “2 Girls 1 Jap” situation needs some getting used to. Just imagine moving your head, but not being able to, because you are attached to someone else’s ass. Alright now.

They have to be trained first. Trained to eat on command. To walk. To fetch. This creation is a new pet for one lonely Dr.

And it doesn’t need any shots!

Life as a third or middle piece is hard. You can’t talk. You can’t eat. You can only cry and moan. You bet your butt you still have your tongue. Eww.

Ewww.

Guys, guys, guys, if you haven’t gotten it yet, they totally get stuck eating only crap, and crap isn’t healthy.

House training takes forever.

Eventually, bad things start to happen. Infections mostly.

But even worse for the Doctor is when some other people show up at his door. Looking for the missing people. But also worried about what research he is doing. Good, this allows a distraction, time for the human centipede to make its escape.

But first….? STAIRS.

They make it up, but the visitors are gone, getting a search warrant. Luckily, the are still able to injure the doctor. Too bad the Japanese man still feels much dishonor, and, as per his stereotype, kills himself dead. Leaving two scared girls even more helpless and alone.

Surprise! Just one. Back girl dies of infection. Surprise two! Guys return, and the doctor kills them both as they kill him. That leaves one scared little middle piece girl, in a house of dead people, and a body full of shit.

All thanks to this man.

Well. I finally watched it.

And my thoughts? Yeah, that definitely was pretty damn gross. You know what else it was? Un-entertaining. Man, not much actually happens in the movie that is scary, just gross stuff. Gross out movies are super worse than just torture porn horrors. I don’t think anyone enjoys this stuff.

Obviously the acting was bad. This movie is going for shock factor only, and the problem with that is that once you have seen what it looks like, there isn’t much else to see. Everyone has now basically seen what it looks like before the movie. Nothing like the excellent actually scary looking cover.

So the only way to improve this is to go for something bigger.

Centipedes have 100 legs. Three people only allow for 12. Clearly, they need at least 25 people to make a real centipede. But who would have time for that. Not like they made any sequels for this and literally just want to make a longer centipede, right?

Fuck this.

Where will you be, when the zombie apocalypse hits?

That is the question Stalled decides to ask. How I found out about it was basically just dicking around on Netflix though. It’s good to know there are still movies with toilet humor in them, on the internet.

I’ve definitely had poops like this before.

There are many bad places I can think I wouldn’t want to be during the apocalypse. Like, wherever ground zero is. I probably wouldn’t want to be in a super big city population wise. Just means more zombies. I definitely wouldn’t want to be on an island, unless there was a way to block the virus.

Basically, there are a whole lot of places worse than a woman’s restaurant, but not a whole lot weirder. Especially if you are W.C. (Dan Palmer), a janitor for a company, who happens to be in the restroom cleaning/working during the breakout. In a strange twist of fate, while hiding in the stalls because two women came in, one bites the other and it is extremely bloody and awkward for W.C.

What is even more unfortunate is that his tool box that he brought in doesn’t have any of his tools in it, just fat stacks of euros. This totally takes place in the UK, by the way. Strange. Money is good. But super useless now.

So now W.C. has to figure out how he is going to escape from this building, which has a holiday office party going on. At least he has company. It turns out a girl Eve (Tamaryn Payne) was also in a stall the entire time, hiding from when W.C. walked in. At least he has someone to talk to as the zombies prattle on outside of his toilet area. Also starring Mark Holden, as Jeff from IT.

Jeff from IT is pretty much a baller.

Shit. The idea behind this movie was brilliant.

Zombie movies keep trying to find new ways to spice things up. Sometimes they involve never done before locations, but a lot of them now are just changing either the fundamentals of the zombie, making it not really a zombie movie, or changing the genre into something else. Obviously comedy/zombie movies have been around for awhile, but Stalled ends up picking a location and idea never really thought of before. The number of potential sequels is astronomical.

This entire movie is like a Bottle Episode. But on purpose.

Dan Palmer also serves as the writer of this film, so it makes sense why he got the main lead. Overall, the character isn’t really likable. He seems somewhat scummy early on, lying to Eve and doing some pretty deplorable things in that bathroom out of selfishness.

But the movie itself is not only entertaining, but unique and different. And weird. Really, some of the only things I care about in movies. A random watch turned into a very interesting 90 minutes.

It took a few years, but I am really stoked that I finally had the opportunity to see 1408. Technically the opportunity was always there, but never the drive.

1408 is part of an unintentional grouping of films. You probably know what I am talking about it. It fits in the category of “Movies that are just four numbers starring John Cusack”. Of course! 2012 is the other half of the pair.

Honestly, the only reason I never watched it was because I wanted to release it when it made sense from the date. But 2008 and was so long ago and there is no 14th month. 🙁

Overall, a terrible reason to wait, when SLJ has been waiting so patiently.

Mike Enslin (Cusack) is famous for debunking paranormal encounters, made famous around the world. You got a haunted house? Prove it. A haunted rocking chair? Doubt it. A haunted room? Let him stay in it.

Most of these people are lying to get more people to visit, and he finds out the truth. A pretty famous author now too, with people recognizing at least one of his books. Some of them about actual scary places too, but more often than not…you know.

Until he clambers his way over to Dolphin Hotel, a new rumor that has reached his ear despite its apparently long and dark history. The hotel refuses to let him rent out room 1408, but some court battle seems to work in his favor. Still, the head of the hotel, Gerald Olin (Samuel L. Jackson), does his best to convince him, including providing a full history of everyone that killed themselves or died in that room over the last hundred years. Still no dice.

Because ghosts aren’t real, right? Right?

Also starring Mary McCormack as his wife. But mostly for haunting purposes.

What in the fuck is wrong with that room?

Room 1408 turns out to be extremely ludicrous. Note, that is more than a normal amount of ludicrous. At first, it is your standard haunted room stuff. Phone/TV on the fritz, hot, seeing images. But eventually it gets beyond reasonable, as you can see in the picture above.

And it also decides to use a lot of deception/trickery to catch the the viewer and poor John Cusack off guard. But, was it scary?

Not to me at least. I didn’t think it was terrifying really, but I more so just felt bad for John, who must have had a killer headache or something. Hah. Killer.

I think if they went a more realistic approach, I would have found it scarier. However, because it was so far past realism, I gained some entertainment out of it as the room in the middle of a large hotel somehow crumbled under neath him. I wish this movie could have been better for me, I really do. But eh, shit happens.

Tell me. Honestly. Did you click this review thinking it was the Disney movie Frozen? Coming out, huh, well…today?

Yeah, I bet you did. I did this on purpose. Consider yourself movie trolled.

But seriously. Frozen. Came out a few years ago, had the ridiculous concept. For whatever reason I ended up buying it, so hey, might as well watch it, right?

Or else, its like, a waste of money, right?

Two friends. The skiing and snowboarding trip of their lifetime. Literally. Har har har.

Lynch (Shawn Ashmore) and Dan (Kevin Zegers) are great buds and have been planning this trip for awhile. They go a bunch, so this one isn’t more special. Only it includes Dan’s girlfriend for once, Parker (Emma Bell).

She isn’t good at snowboarding though, a beginner, so they still to lamer hills most of the day. Sad. And it is the last day of their trip! So Lynch convinces Dan to go on one last big run, down a good slope. For some reason Parker wants to go too. Unfortunately, there is storm coming soon and they are closing early. No, no, this can’t be. They convince the guy to let them up for one last run, and they will be very quick about it. Success!

Until a series of horrible events occur, leaving them stranded on a ski lift, far above the slope, in the dark, with a storm coming. Not to mention it being Sunday, with the resort closed the next four days so they won’t be found in the morning. Shit.

What would you do in this situation? Would you wait it out? Would you risk the jump? Would you try to climb the wire? Would you just…not be in that horrible situation?

Would you punch a wolf in the mouth with your wrist?

Oh yeah, fucking wolves. That can’t help either. Those damn Vermont or New Hampshire carnivores.

This may be a ridiculous plot line, and it may have needed a few things to fail to occur, but you know what? It was actually good.

The characters all felt real. They weren’t just very dumb teens. They had their dumb moments, but they weren’t like, super movie dumb to get to their point. They did what they had to do for survival, or at least what made sense to them at the time. The movie didn’t end with some ridiculous twist or anything, it played out the story to its conclusion, and we weren’t secretly on a reality show the whole time or some other stupid twist. No, you get what you see.

But lets go back to feeling real. There were two scenes that made me very involved in this movie. The wolf scene didn’t need to show the gore to be powerful. The noises, the sobbing, and the voices all told the story in such a way that even typing about it almost makes me emotional. Then the later realization about missing loved ones/pets back home? Shit. That was straight to the feels, and almost made me a wreck.

I am surprised they made the movie over 90 minutes when the topic seems like it would be an hour max, but it worked, and we got some real character development (kind of) going on. Surviving sucks yo, especially in certain peril, but it can really bring us closer together.

I have found the month of October to be pretty disappointing in regards to major horror releases. All we got for a wide release was the Carrie remake. There aren’t even any Paranormal Activities, because the next one got pushed back to January. Yes, I find them pretty bad now, but come on, just Carrie?

That is where the indie theaters step in. They have one more addition to the month, We Are What We Are, a remake of a Mexican film of the same name from a few years prior. Well, same name, but in Spanish.

The religious elements are exemplified in the foreign version, where every male is named Jesus.

The Parker family is a strange family. They mostly keep to themselves, the dad, Frank (Bill Sage), his two daughters, Rose (Julia Garner) and Iris (Ambyr Childers), and their younger brother who doesn’t know much, Rory (Jack Gore).

Doesn’t know much? Yeah, because he is young and hasn’t learned a lot yet. He knows about Jesus. But he hasn’t learned anything about math, or science, or books, or their family secret.

Oooh, a family secret. You can probably figure out what it is. Look at the creepy fucking photos. I mean, I could tell what their secret was just by reading a small plot description and seeing the cover.

Well, they totally do that. But then a big rain storm happens, and it causes flooding. Flooding that might accidentally tear up enough ground to reveal their secret, that they have kept in the family hidden for over a hundred years. I am sure no one in the town is smart enough to figure it out. Oh, except for the wily Doc Barrow (Michael Parks), who doesn’t know he is about to discover a secret that big, but is just looking for his missing daughter, and enlists the help of a local deputy (Wyatt Russell).

That ain’t bean juice there, fellas.

Outside of their family secret, there is not a lot of surprising things about this movie. It is not your standard horror, that is for sure. There isn’t a killer stalking victims throughout, all of the deaths are quick and not built up for tension.

In fact, the whole movie is kind of set up like a regular drama. It moves incredibly slow, with the family just doing their thing, the doctor just doing his investigation, until a confrontation near the end. Because of the downpour, the dad is off doing other things, and so the two daughters have to take part in their family activity for the first real time on their own. So that is a bit awkward and creepy.

I really enjoyed the ending, I think it made sense from the build up. However, the time it took for the build up to occur is what killed me. It is a rather slow moving movie. Even though the payoff at the end is worth it, I still dislike how I wasn’t really scared or completely freaked out until that point. At that point I wanted to vomit a little bit.

But hey, at least we have an alternative scary movie this month in theaters…kind of!