Tag: Hank Azaria

Pornography!

Sex!

Clitoris in the neck!

No, I am not just doing all that to increase traffic. I am hear to talk about Lovelace, the true story of Linda Lovelace, who starred in Deep Throat and helped changed the porno world forever. Kind of.

I also just realized that Lovelace is also the name of the Guru penguin in Happy Feet. Huh, I hope there is no connection.

This Lovelace doesn’t share the same talent. He can’t with that plastic around his neck!

Linda (Amanda Seyfried) USED to be such a sweet little girl. She used to to dance and go to school, and obey her parents! Her parents (Sharon Stone, Robert Patrick), mind you, are the type who would scold her just for sunbathing in a bikini in her own fenced in back yard.

While Go-Go dancing with her friend, Patsy (Juno Temple), they meet up with Chuck (Peter Sarsgaard), who will change her life forever. See, Chuck sees something special in her. He sees a beauty that can go far, do great things, and maybe even make a lot of money. Mmm, money.

After helping slowly tear away her inhibitions, he is even able to make her go down on him, despite her initial embarrassment. Wouldn’t you know it, it turns out that she doesn’t have a gag reflex, and has a unique talent in the industry. I don’t even know why I am being subtle.

Well, they need money, and she gets put into the lead role of an X-Rated feature, Deep Throat. It has comedy and it has something people haven’t really seen before, so it becomes a huge hit, making millions world wide, and catapulting Linda into a spotlight she could never before imagine. But a life of fame is always not something you want, especially if it comes at such high costs. Such as being married to Chuck, an abusive husband who takes all of your money, beats you, and gives you emotional scarring for years with no place to turn to.

Ah yes, the Linda Lovelace story, one of porn, and one of abuse.

Hank Azaria, Bobby Cannavale, and Chris Noth play “industry” people, and James Franco has a small cameo as a much younger Hugh Hefner.

This is all you are getting out of me, you creepy internet people you.

Linda’s story is definitely a sad one. It is a story that should be heard so that women out there no that dangerous things CAN happen, signs to look for, and how to get out of those situations and find the help you need.

Unfortunately, Lovelace seems to almost downplay the amount of abuse she actually receives. I found that portion of the movie to be far too short. It needed to be longer to really experience how a large portion of her life was, before she was finally able to get police intervention. Her story was a powerful enough one to write a book about and have restocking issues due to its popularity.

I think the movie has its heart in the right place, but fails to deliver the right emotions that one should expect from this picture. There are two important parts to this story. Linda’s transformation into a porn icon, and the abuse she took from someone she thought loved her. This definitely seems to care more about the former, and not the latter, which is a shame.

1 out of 4.

To answer the first question on everyone’s mind, yes I did dress up like a Smurf for the premiere of The Smurfs 2. It was smurftastic!

Initially, watching the trailer, I was enraged at the plot. In a nutshell, Gargamel (Hank Azaria) tried to create a couple of Smurfs, but they turned out grey and evil. He needs to know how to make them blue, to extract their essence and then become a powerful sorcerer. But they can only get the formula from Smurfette (Katy Perry), who they have to convince to be naughty and join their force.

NAUGHTY. NAUGHTY. NAUGHTY.Why does that upset me? Because I know that Smurfette was a Gargamel creation in the first place (Despite the first movie contradicting that statement). He wanted to create chaos in an all male Smurf society, by introducing a woman. That makes sense. So why did he have problems creating more Smurfs? Oh, because the movie changed things up a bit. More importantly, they explained it all and made it completely reasonable.

In this world, Smurfette was also originally gray, until Papa Smurf (Jonathan Winters) turned her true blue and into a happy go lucky Smurf. Yay! Now everything is okay! Only her and Papa Smurf know the formula, which is why they steal her back into the real world to beat it out of her…with kindness. It is also Smurfette’s birthday, and as the Smurfs tried to keep the party a secret, she assumed no one remembered and felt quite sad. Poor Smurfette.

Due to some miscalculations, the rescue team consists of Papa Smurf, Vanity Smurf (John Oliver), Grumpy Smurf (George Lopez), and Clumsy Smurf (Anton Yelchin).

Oh, but they aren’t alone. No, they have human friends from the first film! Patrick (Neil Patrick Harris) and Grace (Jayma Mays), their son, and Patrick’s step-dad, Victor (Brendan Gleeson).

Can this rag tag group of Smurfs find and convince Smurfette they love her before time runs out? Or will the Naughties, Vexy (Christina Ricci) and Hackus (J.B. Smoove) get to her first?

But let’s not forget about dat cat.I actually left out a lot of the minor plot points in this one. You’re welcome, that means the movie will be a bit more surprising if you head out to see it. Honestly, it might be worth it if you have a family.

You don’t have to see the first film to understand this film, you just need to know that they have some human friends. Pretty standard for a family film.

What can you get out of the Smurfs? A lot of smurfin’ puns. Smurf this, smurf that, puns everywhere. Hank Azaria continues to be a smurfing excellent Gargamel. The work he puts into the voice and that character is beyond phenomenal. It is smurfing nuts!

I laughed quite a bit at some of the jokes. The fact that the plot made sense in this universe only made it better. However, there were a few smurf problems.

Vanity Smurf? I wish they killed off some Smurfs. As one of the three main personalities on the trek, being narcissistic, he ALWAYS talks. Unfortunately, everything he says is the exact same vain pun, over and over again. It got smurfing real fast. At least Grumpy Smurf had an interesting plot line. Clumsy Smurf was ignored completely. They had the chance to branch out and give us some newer Smurfs to highlight, but they didn’t.

Really, if they make another Smurfs movie, I hope they keep them in their own world. If they want, bring NPH and the other humans to them this time. Their world has plenty of lore, magic, and fun to be a great setting. Most of all, it has more than a handful of Smurfs, so everyone can fight for the metaphorical spotlight.

 

2 out of 4.

There comes a time in Cinematic History where certain movies seem to leap bounds and fountains over the rest of the movies in that year. Unfortunately, these films are not always recognized for their greatness, and therefore never watched, like Little Shop Of Horrors.

In 2009, with such treasures like Avatar, Ice Age: Dawn Of The Dinosaurs, Twilight: New Moon, and 2012, one film was overlooked. One film was passed on the side of the round (or trampled by the lazy). That film of course, was Year One.

YES. YEAR ONE. LET ME SHOUT ABOUT IT NOW FOR YOU.

No, I won’t actually shout.

This film is set in history, maybe roughly 1 AD, but that is a rough estimate.

In it, we have Zed (Jack Black), a bad hunter, and Oh (Michael Cera), an okay gatherer. Zed is feeling unloved, so he eats from the forbidden fruit tree to gain all the knowledge of good and evil! Well, that goes badly, and they are kicked out of the tribe. Now he will never get it on with Maya (June Diane Raphael), and Oh won’t be able to impress Eema (Juno Temple).

On their travels, they find that the world is actually a much bigger place than they thought. They run into Cain (David Cross) and Abel (Paul Rudd), and things (obviously) escalate from there.

They find themselves on run from an angry village, learn about the wheel, and end up in Sodom and Gomorrah where orgies occur nightly, and lets not forget about the sodomy. They not only join the city guard, but also become trusted slaves and chosen ones of the royalty. Queen Inanna (Olivia Wilde) takes a personal interest in Zed, to figure out just what the priest is up to.

Can the Chosen One and Oh save the day with their now stunning intellect? Or you know, will they just be sacrificed for rain? Also featuring Christopher Mintz-Plasse, Vinnie Jones, and Hank Azaria.

Don’t make that face. Vinnie Jones isn’t that bad.

I am agog, I am aghast, that I took this long to see this film. Especially when I bought it about a year ago and have had no real good reason to avoid it (other than, you know, other movies to watch). But this may not only be the finest movie I have seen with Jack Black, but Michael Cera as well, and he was in Superbad! Shit. That is why I had to move up my review o this movie. Originally it would be in two weeks, sine I am behind on posting current theater movies, but I really couldn’t let another day go by.

One major reason to talk about this movie is David Cross, who probably gives an Oscar worthy performance as Cain. He has to live with the guilt of killing his brother, living a life of sin and sadness, while at the same time, dealing with two primitive numbskulls who don’t understand how “modern” society work. I bet the only reason he was overlooked is because it is a comedy, and outside of Robert Downey Jr. in Tropic Thunder, they usually ignore them.

Now I know why she has taken on a lot of bad roles since 2009. She just can’t live up to her past great work in this movie.

Year One reminds me of why I love Olivia Wilde, despite her recent mess ups. What a beautiful creature.

Basically, if you had seen Year One (and statistics show that you probably have not), you would know that every line is an ounce of wit, that popularized Arrested Development back in the day, and currently categories some great comedies like Modern Family and Archer.

Yes, it is historically inaccurate, but that should be a given when it also includes stories from The Bible.

I think I am going to have to forgo going to any future movies until Jack Black and Michael Cera are put in another movie together. Their chemistry (bromance?) seems to have towered over any comedic duo that I have seen before. Yes, even more so than David Spade and Chris Farley.

This movie changed my life in more ways than one (I’d say about four). Hopefully one day it can change your life too.

4 out of 4.

I have written before about Holiday or make believe character movies, and how I hate it when they contradict with the real world that they are presumably set in. I am looking at you The Tooth Fairy.

Despite everyone knowing there is no Easter Bunny in the real real world, Hop does a pretty good job of not contradicting itself. Mostly. So I will give it a point for that. I do not recall a single adult uttering “Easter Bunny? Preposterous!” and slamming their first down. Because clearly if one existed, people wouldn’t question it, because there’d be damn easter eggs everywhere that they didn’t hide. Must. Stop. Rant.

Because I have a way more important topic to rant about.

The Easter Bunny, or E.B. (Russell Brand) doesn’t want to do the job. He wants to be a drummer in Hollywood. His dad, the current easter bunny (Hugh Laurie…who is named E.B.’s dad. What??) So a few days before Easter, he escapes from their hideout (On the Easter Island, of course), where they make all the candy and eggs for Easter (because that is a thing people think Easter Bunnies do?). He escapes to LA where he gets HIT BY A CAR!

Driven by James Marsden, who is a slacker living at home with his folks. His family (dad of Gary Cole, younger(?) sister of Kaley Cuoco) thinks he needs to get a real job. And move out. I was confused, because it seemed like Kaley still lived at home possibly. Eventually Marsden agrees to help the bunny out, despite causing problems, and get him an audition for David Hasselhoff (On Hoff Knows Talent) to be a big star!

Oh yeah, and the factory for Easter is fueled by an army of “chicks”, whereas the second in command (Hank Azaria) has dreams of being the “Easter Bunny”. Despite the fact that E.B. has no interest in being the head honcho, the dad is stubborn, and laughs away all of the suggestions from the chick to become the next guy in charge. Instead he sends the Pink Berets (highly trained bunnies) to capture his son.

There is also a subplot of James figuring out what he wants to do with his life, become the first human Easter Bunny.

Now this picture should make a lot more sense.

I seriously am about to spoil some thing. I cant figure out how to hide it so I will just say it. Yes, at the end they stop the chick and save the day. E.B. and James agree to be co-Easter Bunnies, more fun for the two.

So uhh. James gets to live his dream, and E.B. gave up his?

But more importantly, WHAT THE FUCK KIDS MOVIE? This is a horrible main plotline. Horrible horrible. Just typing this seems silly, but clearly this movie is anti-chick. These chicks, who must live in Neverland because they never go to Chickens, have to work in a factory all year (like Santa Elves) making candy apparently? There is only like 5 bunnies in the whole place from what I seen, the head honcho, his son, and his body guard unit (who never spoke. They should have spoke). And they don’t do shit but once a day, if that.

But for the head bunny to call the chick more or less dumb for wanting to advance to the head master position was horrible. It made it seem like a Kingdom, and not a business. It gave the message that those born as chicks can never advance to any higher sort of existance, but must stay there and work. Sure later, when he did take over (after he forced it) he replaced candy with worms and stuff (because Bunnies like candy, so of course a chick would put in food they like? Another dumb correlation). But by then he was probably just pissed off at how much of an asshole the dad was being.

Especially as one character noted it made more since for a chick/chicken to be handing out eggs than a bunny. AND NOT TO MENTION that at the end JAMES MARSDEN, A HUMAN, gets to be an Easter Bunny, when all the other chicks get put back in their rightful place.

Again. What. The. Fuck. These type of matters shouldn’t be brushed aside either because it is just a kids movie. This is the same shit they tried to sell us in Cars/Cars 2.

0 out of 4.

When I first saw Happy Feet, I loved it, minus the ending. Had an interesting plot, great jokes, some surprise pop culture references, songs/dance, and even some scary moments. Just the end was dumb and preachy, and felt super deus ex. Ending I hated!

I’ve seen it a lot the same, and I still think the same thoughts. That is good.

So what about Happy Feet Two? Well, as long as it doesn’t go preachy, and have a plot other than “baby penguin does something different, isn’t accepted, and eventually is accepted” then hell yeah, lets do this thing.

These penguins are unfortunately “bringing fluffy back”.

Mambo (Elijah Wood) and Gloria (now Pink, since Brittany Murphy died) have a child! Yay! He just isn’t as good at dancing or singing yet (damn it…). Thanks to Ramon (Robin Williams, who also still does Lovelace too) the kids get separated and taken back to his land (where he wants to find love, preferably with Carmen (Sofia Vergara)).

There they find a new penguin that everyone loves. Sven, the flying penguin (Hank Azaria! And German-ish). While they are out and Mambo is looking for them, some ice sheets melt and move around! They crash into each other and Emporer land is now surrounded on all sides by large ice cliffs, and they are trapped in a valley. No way out!

Noah the Elder (Hugo Weaving) is still in charge, and he tries to keep calm with Seymour (Common. That big rapping penguin played by Fat Joe last movie. ANOTHER ACTOR CHANGE!), after figuring out escape is impossible. I would like to note that still having Noah be alive and in charge is weird, since Mambo’s parents are NO WHERE in this movie. I can’t believe that they got old and died, if that old one is still there. They are just ignored then.

Eventually the day is saved, and not by the methods that you might guess. Somehow the power of dance must be involved, after all. They even noted the Deus Ex feel of the last movie, and I thought they were about to fuck me over on that again, but don’t worry, it doesn’t work.

But the real stars of the the movie are Will and Bill the Krill.

I think it’s obvious which one Bill is.

The krill are voiced by Brat Pitt and Matt Damon, respectively. Will is a Krill who wants to get out of the swarm, discover the world, live in the now, become a predator and escape the bottom of the food chain! Bill is his friend who reluctantly goes along with him, trying to bring him back to his senses and is gay?

Yep! I think so, or at least he wants to raise a family with Bill, tons of children, not caring if they are both male. The scene after that he even sings Wham! making it seem very likely that Matt Damon has now played a gay Krill in his life. Definitely a bucket list check off.

But seriously, these two krill are awesome. Their story is woven through the rest of the story, at first you are unsure of why, but once it fully connects at the end, you will see why their journey is overall worth it and integral to the story.

Song wise, there seemed to be a bit less. Only the first song intro featured mash ups. One song in the movie at least was entirely original too, and was my least favorite. The first movie though had a whole lot of songs in the first bit, and then felt like it had nothing until dancing at the end. This one spreads them out a bit more, and the final song is “powerful” and almost made me cry in happiness.

The movie also has a lot more going on with the Elephant Seals, who were pointless in movie one, but also bring out a better ending and a very sad part about 1/3 of the way through.

Hey look. It is Sven! But what dark secrets does HE hold?

The sequel has a lot more plots than the first movie, a change I loved. Thankfully they don’t change who the main character is in this movie, and you know it is still mostly about Mambo. Overall though I felt like the songs in this movie were drastically weaker than the first. Improvement in that area would push the rating to the top, but everything else is great.

Especially the krill.

3 out of 4.

Run, Fatboy, Run I heard about first years ago, but just never got around to watching. I mean, just from the title I wanted to watch it, and knowing it was a Simon Pegg movie made me want to watch it more. I had no idea about the plot either. Which is why I first got it confused with How To Lose Friends & Alienate People, which came out soon after. Oh well. Turns out those movies have big differences, like rating, and in amount of Megan Fox.

Statistically, when comparing two movies, the one with less amounts of Megan Fox usually ends up being “better”.

The movie starts out unlike other Simon Pegg movies though. Dude is getting married! To Thandie Newton. No racism in this movie! Why? I mean, he does like her. But he also knocked her up. So its one of those things. All of it freaks him out though, and he runs away.

Flash forward five years! For some reason she is still upset about the whole “running away from Marriage thing” and it is hard for him to get to hang out with his son. He is now a more unfit human being (not “fat”) and a security guard, who can barely pay his rent, and bums money off of people. Similarly, his “woman” got a new man! Hank Azaria. Which, when compared to Simon Pegg, does seem like a better choice. He has money, he is nice to people, he even runs marathons for charities! See where this is going?

Simon is trying to prove he can change his ways, before Hank takes his son and former almost wife to Chicago (they live in London of course) and he never sees them again. He attempts to prove this by showing he can not only run in the upcoming marathon, but beat Hank as well. Theres the movie in a nut shell, minus the ending.

Parts of it were pretty funny, but a lot also fell flat for me. Simon plays a pretty normal (British) guy, so he is easily relatable and root-able. I wasn’t even sure if I liked it overall until the end. The end and race (which is like, 30 minutes) did a great job of making Simon way better than Hank, and giving a great feel good story that will make you all warm and cozy. It is mostly predictable, the movie plot lines, but that is fine.

Also, check out his assistant couch. Win.

Also, in case you are wondering, the charity he chooses is “National erectile Disfunction Awareness”.

2 out of 4.

A live action movie about The Smurfs? How can that smurfin’ work? That doesn’t make any smurf sense. But, by the end, it was definitely pretty smurfy.

Oh don’t worry, I am done doing that.

I won’t explain the back story of Smurfs. Should be pretty public knowledge. But in their magical world, before the Blue Moon festival, a few of the smurfs accidentally get transported, along with Azrael and Gargamel (Hank Azaria)! They must figure out how to return, and you know, not turn into magic juice.

Also! Neil Patrick Harris and Jayma Mays are expecting a baby, while NPH has to make a new ad design for the cosmetics company he works for and his boss Sofia Vergara (from Modern Family).

Which smurfs made the cut into reality? Of course Papa Smurf (Jonathan Winters) and Smurfette (Katy Perry). Without them, who would watch? We also got Brainy Smurf (Fred Armisen) for “problem solving”, Grumpy Smurf (George Lopez) for “lols”, and Clumsy Smurf (Anton Yelchin) for conflict building. I think Gutso Smurf (Alan Cumming) was created for the movie, but they needed a more kick ass smurf I guess. A lot more famous people for other smurfs, but those smurfs aren’t as smurf important.

This movie (or at least NPH) ask a lot of questions normal people wonder. Like if they are named after their major personality, do they get a name later in life, or born with that name. The movie answers the question, kinda.

In terms of CGI, it is pretty good. They fit the smurfs into the real world very well. Nothing (too) cheesy, and I was able to believe it.

What was pretty weird was the Guitar Hero scene, though. Guitar Hero is dead.

NPH and Jayma were fine. Azaria made a GREAT Gargamel. I was hoping for Danny DeVito to be him personally, just on looks. But Azaria just had it all going for him. Also, super cheesy. But you could hear the Moe Sizlack in his voice. Also interesting.

Story line was also interesting. I was entertained throughout, which is really all you can ask from a family centric movie. There was enough subtle jokes in there too for adults to enjoy as well.

I was going to watch this with “Smurf-O-Vision” too, as it was advertised. With an iPad/iPhone, you could download an app to go with the movie. It made it seem like if Smurfs would fly off of of screen, they’d fly onto the iPad, and other weird things. A new dimension of fun! But what really happens (I tried this for 5~ minutes, app took forever to load too) is a bunch of stupid things. Also it ruins the movie. In this version of the movie, the main smurf cast are also watching, and often the screen will shrink and you will see their reactions too. I was like “okay, as long as it doesn’t ruin the movie”. But then once it shrunk again and the director appeared and talked over dialogue, I was immediately done and calling it a failure. Just meant as a way to distract kids more so, I think.

Besides that, the movie is smurfy.

2 out of 4.

I will admit, there is a definite reason I wanted to see this movie. In case you didn’t know, this movie is absolutely slathered with Anne Hathaway boobies. It seems she is naked for at least half the movie. Because her and Jake Gyllenhaal get it on, a lot. That is the Love part of Love and Other Drugs.

“Ohhh! Ohh ohh”

The story begins with Jake getting fired from the electronics store, for inappropriate sexy time at work. His whole family thinks he needs to get his act together, so he becomes trained to become a pharmaceutical rep. This move also takes place early 90s! His partner is Oliver Platt, and he wants them to do good so they can move up the chain and make the mad money in Chicago. But he just cannot sell his depression/anxiety medicine at all to anyone, no matter how many secretaries he flirts with!

But then something that changes the way we lived happens. Viagra. Selling Viagra, he becomes the hottest pharmaceutical rep, ever! Even doctors like Hank Azaria can’t get enough it. It makes them popular at parties. (Because women love that dick?). Oh yeah, and by this time his brother Josh Gad is living with him, unsuccessful and a loser.

He would later go on to be a successful Mormon missionary in Uganda though, so don’t worry.

Oh yeah, thanks to his job, he “accidentally” sees Anne Hathaway naked and they begin a very sexy relationship. Involving a lot of sex. Because they couldn’t have sex that much when they tried to the last movie they were in together, because Jake G was gay for Heath Ledger.

So, the movie is about their relationships, and him being successful, and her having Parkinson’s, and lots of stuff. But I loved it. The relationship felt very real between the two, and it was a realer relationship than most movies would present. The ending was sweet too. Not like sweet ass sweet, but awww sweet.

4 out of 4.