Tag: David Duchovny

For those who have the time, please watch the Trailer for Phantom. Did you? No? Too lazy? Fair enough.

Well, it is short, less than 90 seconds, and extremely crappy. Like, seriously, the quality is very low, it looks like a made for TV movie. Or a strange episode of Last Resort. I had to sit through this trailer multiple times in theaters, just for it to not even touch the state of Iowa (I think). Normally when I review a DVD movie, I try to have it within a week of coming out, but this one took several. I didn’t take me awhile to watch it, saw it the next day it came out. Just apathy after the fact. Super deep apathy.

About as apathetic as an old Russian on a submarine in the winter, I’d imagine.

Demi (Ed Harris) is an old Russian naval commander. He has done it all, and only a little bit with submarines. After all, this is only the Cold War now, and submarines aren’t that old yet. Well, he has had some problems in the past, and just got back from a voyage. He can only have one mission left before he retires, and it involves using an older submarine as well. Literally the day after he got back. Shit. Same crew. Sucks to suck. Also, some KGB agents are going to join them as well. Bruni (David Duchovny) have a secret mission on the sub, and can’t tell anyone about it. Yet.

Well, eventually it is made clear. The Russians have developed a new technology, that when turned on, will reflect a different signature when other objects use sonar against them. So when a USA submarine comes near, the sub thinks they are some commercial ship. Whoa. Phantom technology, lets them have stealth submarines. That is useful, but why is that important?

Oh, because they want to pretend to be a Chinese sub, send Nukes against America, and start a new war while being in the clear.

Aww yeah. Wait what?

William Fichtner plays the second in command. Will the crew do the unthinkable, or turn against their own government for a task they feel is wrong?

Who is that on the line David? Your agent? Your life has sucked since The X-Files? Huh, go figure.

I don’t want to spend a lot of words on this movie. It hurts my psyche. It was boring and dull. Submarine movies tend to be at a disadvantage, because the viewer tends to be stuck in a small vessel with them. So there is no change in scenery. Small amount of actors, limited drama, limited threat.

It was strange to find out they were Russians. I normally don’t care about accents, but because the whole thing is in English (thankfully not a Russian movie), I am surprised there are literally no accents. Everyone talks as they normally do. I couldn’t even fathom they were all Russian because of that. At least trying for an accent is better than nothing, I’d say.

Simple film, maybe worse than a made for TV movie.

The Joneses, if not being a title hard to say, is a look of post apocalyptic life in the suburbs.

Or at least that is what I assume. I expect the apocalypse to be a rather tame event.

The Joneses are a new family that move to a upper rich suburban neighborhood. But not only that, they are pretty darn cool. They have the latest gadgets and gizmos, cars and purses, technology and style. Steve Jones, the dad lead by David Duchovny is making so many new friends. But is something not the way it should be?!

Besides Duchovny not banging everything in site?

It turns out that everything is a lie. In a pseudo Stepford Wives / Truman Show manner, they are merely salesmen and women pretending to be a happy family in order to sell product. They work for a bigger company that just works on ad sales, so when they have new awesome things and get other people to buy them, they earn more money for the company. Demi Moore, the wife, is actually the head of the unit and Duchovny is just a new guy. Their children are played by (I can say that in both ways) Amber Heard and Ben Hollingsworth.

So yes, the whole point of the movie is more or less about exploiting the rich with a more subliminal advertising method. But it is definitely better than that. Duchovny isn’t as adapted to the acting/tricking lifestyle, so he develops real relationships with people, like his “Wife” and Gary Cole, his neighbor.

Who recently made it big selling suspenders after his office burned down.

The ending unfortunately is way too preachy, and you can already tell where it is going. Not necessarily the events, but what the preachiness is about. It felt super forced. It had a happier ending, I guess. But definitely didn’t like it yelling at me in the process.