The Day

Kids. Listen to me now.

Judging a movie by its cover is bad, we all know that. That is why I have to watch these movies and make sure they are bad, not just assume.

Well, the cover needs to be decent as well to get people interested in it, to give them a chance. The Day‘s cover isn’t too spectacular, but I at least knew some people in it. So why not give it a shot?

Fuck. Let’s do that thing where I show giant pictures to cover up the bad.

Guns
Hey. You played an evil chick in that one movie. I wonder if you are evil here too. You do look scurry.

Alright, so this story takes place in a post apocalyptic society. Something happened, people are dead, everything is scarce, and THIS MOVIE IS A LIE. IT IS ALL A LIE.

Google “The Day” and “Film” or something, check out the images. All nice color stuff, like the one above. Even the cover. But fuck you, that is not what the movie looks like in the slightest.

Black and White
Oh you look quite a bit more sick there, little girl.

Yeah, that’s right. Fucking black and white-ish. Surprise! Didn’t expect that. You know, because it is basically lies in the form of advertising. I will judge it harshly. No, I didn’t think it was color before hand, but the black and white is ugly, and seems to be a last minute addition clearly.

Either way. Not many survivors. So we have a group of people who may or may not know each other. There used to be more, but they died. Now we just have five left. Rick (Dominic Monaghan), Henson (Cory Hardrict), Adam (Shawn Ashmore), Shannon (Shannyn Sossamon), and Mary (Ashley Bell).

Well, they happen upon a small house in the middle of no where, so they investigate. Oh, it has food. Too bad it also is super alarmed. Jokes on them, local cannibal tribes in the area have set up a trap! Now they have to fend off against 20 or more people. Uh oh.

So people die. Some faster than others. Some of them may be big names. If any of them survive by the end, does it really matter? The world is very bleak, after all.

Basically, the movie was shit, and it didn’t even decide to dress up like anything else. It wasn’t that long, but it took forever for the alarm to even go off. I bet this could have worked as a short film, 25 minutes max. It would have been entertaining and got the same point across.

But this movie is just filler. Extreme filler, and violence subdued thanks to the choice of filter. This is why I can’t have nice things. Hell, even the cannibals had no personality. I think I have only seen cannibals in about three movies now. One the most famous cannibal ever. This. And of course, a little musical.

Cannibals
All the personality one could ever imagine.

0 out of 4

The Last Exorcism Part II

It looks like The Last Exorcism went the route of Blair Witch Project. Let me explain.

Blair Witch Project of course redefined horror, viral marketing, and basically introduced us to the found footage genre of film. The Last Exorcism didn’t do any of that, it was just another documentary based film. However (even if you never realized it), Blair Witch Project had a sequel, the Book Of Shadows and it was a “normal film” without the shaky cam feature.

Basically, this was a long winded way of saying that The Last Exorcism Part II also has switched filming techniques to the more standard technique. Just because “Book Of Shadows” was basically shunned and forgotten about with time, doesn’t mean that TLEp2 will also be shitty.

Sequel
Oh fuck me. What the hell is this poster?

This takes place hours after the first film, with Nell (Ashley Bell) being pretty dang freaky and possessed, running around other peoples homes. Don’t worry, they fix her up real nice. She gets sent off to a group home for troubled girls, after a nice psychological breakdown and she is fixed into realizing that possessions aren’t real and no one is out to get her.

Just kidding.

In fact, now that she is in the heart of New Orleans, everything is a lot weirder, especially when she starts seeing visions of her dad and other villagers, including nightmares of her past acts. But she wants to be normal! Not the crazy girl from the cult! She wants a boyfriend (Spencer Treat Clark), real friends (Julia Garner), and not a demon trying to seduce her into a killing fire making machine!

Too bad fate is a bitch. David Jensen, who looks far too much like Edward James Olmos, plays the helpful group home caretaker, and tries to keep her on the path away from all this religious mumbo-jumbo.

Tabe
I guess this is that new alternative massage and exorcism technique.

I apologize for the lack of detail in the plot description. Unfortunately, the first movie ends with a twist, and I don’t want to spoil that movie just to explain this one better! Who am I to give away one twist ending to help you figure out the sequel? This movie gives you a brief recap of the first movie events at the start, but does a pretty poor job of it.

When you compare part II to part I, part II is just a mess. Gone is any sort of subtlety, as from beginning to the end, it is entirely full of jump scares and hallucinations. In fact, a scene in the first film where Nell jumps at the camera and screams (a literal jump scare) is spliced into this film at least four times, thanks to Nell’s nightmares. It is weird that in her dreams she is imagining herself wild from someone else’s point of view, yeah?

This movie was so bad that by the end, I thought they were going to actually forget to include an exorcism. The exorcism in question was extremely different than your average movie exorcism, so there is a unique plus.  Unfortunately, most of the film is based on the plot from the last 10 minutes of the previous film, which in itself was confusing and left you with questions. Did this film answer the questions? Not at all! They basically ignored them and brought up even more confusing plot lines.

While the end of part I was rushed and confusing, the ending of this film is actually laughable and definitely bad. It almost felt Carrie-esque, but with no sense of fear involved. I was shaking my head the entire last few minutes, ready to get out of this mess of a film.

1 out of 4.

The Last Exorcism

“Oh no, not another exorcism movie!”

“Oh no, not another hand held movie!”

Are those complaints out of the way? Good. Time to ignore them for The Last Exorcism.

Bed
“Hey look, a priest and a girl. This is like all the othe-” “WE KNOW!”

Cotton (Patrick Fabian) is not your average evangelical preacher. He likes to have fun! He can get a congregation going lickity split, and praise Jesus like its his job. Because it is his job. His dad was a preacher, and he has been doing sermons since he was young. Heck, it is all he knows how to do. But he might be undergoing a crisis of faith. He doesn’t like doing it anymore, he doesn’t believe. He has been faking the exorcism thing for years; he isn’t a bad person, he is just giving a service that people request. But after the birth of his son, and some issues there, he now feels bad taking advantage of people.

Thus we have this movie. He is going to do one more exorcism, with a film crew, to help prove how phony it all is. Silly Cotton, you are about to get fucked.

But when he gets to New Orleans, home of a pretty intense blend of spirituality and culture, he finds out he needs to read his own fine print. Nell (Ashley Bell) is apparently possessed, but he hates exorcising children. Thinks it is a kind of abuse. But the father (Louis Hertham) insists. Strange family. After the wife died, started to home school his daughter, eventually keeping her locked up the whole time, but not his son of course (Caleb Landry Jones).

Well, all of her problems could be psychological. Could be abuse from the dad causing it. Or any number of things that I won’t mention. Who is winning this fight: Jesus, or science? Iris Bahr plays one of the film crew.

Barn
The chiropractor might be the real winner here.

Hey hey hey, this movie might not be all too bad. It isn’t just a simple exorcism story. Creepy girl, being creepy, with people dying. No, this plot might have layers. Layers, everyone! I love layers.

The idea that possessions are complicated, and surely there could just be people not all that right in the head.

Well, the ending I hated. Kind of came out of nowhere, didnt make any sense (from out point of view) and had some pretty dumb events going on.

But there are more problems. Documentary style movie is fine. But the fact that the cameraman was a character there that was never actually on camera, or spoke, or anything, is pretty spooky. When crazy shit is happening, he doesn’t scream, but he may run away. I think they forgot that they made him a character and pretended he didn’t exist.

I do think the buildup of this movie was pretty decent. Not a typical horror, having thriller elements throughout just to make seemingly average situations pretty unnerving. But a lame ending, that we now know lead to a sequel? Well, you just went average.

2 out of 4.