Sometimes the UK scares me. But usually that is just when it comes to TV shows. It isn’t a normal like or hate relationship, it is more a like or “I don’t understand what the hell is going on, so I am just going to doodle while it happens until it is done, then never watch it again, because I am confused and I don’t understand what the hell is going on, so I am just going to doodle while it happens until it is done.”
“Bitches don’t know about my swaaaaaaaaaaaaaag. And I mean swag in its real definition. I have a pile of gold in the hull.”
Set somewhere in the 1800s, Great Britain has taken over much of the world. But Queen Victoria (Imelda Staunton) doesn’t control the West Indies! Fucking Pirates are there!
This includes The Pirate Captain (Hugh Grant) the piratiest pirate that ever pirated. So much that he is going to inter Pirate of the Year, and win it for once! The only problem is, I lied. There are much better pirates out there. Including Black Bellamy (Jeremy Piven). Heck, The Pirate Captain hasn’t even gained any loot this last year. Just some ham. What is a pirate without loot?
So he starts a raidin’ and a plunderin’ but nothing seems to work. None of the rich boats are coming out to his area. When he goes for just one last boat, he is disappointed to find out that it is just Charles Darwin (David Tennant). According to him and his man-ape servant, the Pirate Captain’s parrot is actually a Do-do bird, long thought to have been extinct!
But apparently with these science shenanigans, there is a potential for real money. But they have to go to London first, a scary anti-pirate place. Hmm, I am sure it wont be a big issue, and no one will have to put their morals in check. Lets not forget his trusty crew, including The Pirate with a Scarf (Martin Freeman), The Pirate with Gout (Brendan Gleeson), The Pirate Who Likes Sunsets and Kittens (Ben Whitehead), The Albino Pirate (Russell Tovey) and The Surprisingly Curvaceous Pirate (Ashley Jensen).
Going back to my earlier fears, I have never seen a Wallace and Gromit movie. Wallace just looks way too British. So the only reason I went this way was because of scurvy jokes, boy did it deliver.
The writing for Pirates was beyond clever, full of jokes and other smaller pop culture references. Heck, it even had a soundtrack full of real modern songs, including most of Flight of the Conchords “I’m Not Crying“. Damn, son.
I also didn’t completely hate the form of stop motion like I thought I would, another definite plus. Not sure if this is going to win best Animated Picture, but it certainly was a damn good one for 2012. I mean, Ham Night. Ham Night guys.
Watch out everyone, movie event of the year coming through.
Sure, that is debatable. After all, Twilight Ended, the year isn’t over yet, and the end of Batman Trilogy and Avengers went down. But The Hobbit still may have been a greater buildup. After all, the previous LOTR movies were all nominated for Academy Awards, and the last one won!
This is a new trilogy, taking in more than just the Hobbit book, with tons of lore, and stretched into three movies. I AM ALLOWING MYSELF SPOILERS IN THE SECTION IN BETWEEN PICTURES, BECAUSE WELL, most people know this story anyways. The Animated Movie was a thing, after all. That middle section is normally reserved for plot anyways, and I feel like its hard to really give away shit, because its so well known.
Either way, spoilers in the middle warnings!
Spoiler: Only one hobbit is really focused on in this movie. That’s 75% less Hobbits than LOTR.
As most of you know, The Hobbit takes place before LOTR. Bilbo Baggins (Martin Freeman) is a simple Hobbit, who doesn’t like adventure. Gandalf (Ian McKellen) comes by, fucks it all up, and without warning, thirteen dwarves have crashed the place and are eating all his food! Oh noes!
Why? Because they want to reclaim their ancient kingdom, that a terrible dragon named Smaug (Benedict Cumberbatch) has taken over! Thorin (Richard Armitage) is the last line of Dwarven royalty, and technical king of a home they don’t control. He sent out a call for dwarves to help him take back the mountain, and only 12 answered. But according to Gandalf, they also need a Burgler, and he has decided that Bilbo will fit the bill.
The first hobbit movie ends after the encounter with Gollum (Andy Serkis) and the escape from the Goblins, and then the further escape from the orcs by Eagle Power. We also get an appearance of Frodo (Elijah Wood), Elrond (Hugo Weaving), Galadriel (Cate Blanchett), and a pre-evil Saruman (Christopher Lee). Balin (Ken Stott) is the next main dwarf, Azog (Manu Bennett) is the pale orc main antagonist, Figwit is now Lindir (Bret McKenzie). AND THEN WE HAVE RADAGAST THE BROWN (Sylvester McCoy). A mother fucking druid/crazy wizard?
Don’t remember him? Because like I said, this is more than the Hobbit. A lot of the Tale of the Necromancer is in here too, and was only set up in this movie. Gandalf left the Hobbit a lot to do his own shit, and he was doing the necromancer stuff. This added a lot to the movie that I wasn’t expecting.
One other thing I liked? Well, as most of you know the story, you know that Gandalf and the Eagles are a Deus Ex Machina on a stick. Rarely do they solve their own problems without one or both of the groups coming to save the day. Same thing happened in LOTR, and it was pretty annoying. One of the biggest examples is when they are in the trees with the orcs and worgs attacking, then the Eagles come and carry them away. Well, in the movie, that scene is QUITE longer and a bit more inspirational. Yes, it ends the same way, but damn it, the Dwarves don’t just sit their crying. They fight back, they give it their all, they show courage and bravery. I loved that change. Same result at the end, but I think the way they got there was a little bit better.
Pictured: Actual Trolls picking apart the Hobbit.
First off, no I didn’t get to see the movie in 48 fps. They decided to can the wide release idea, and only have it in select theaters. Sucks to suck, I might get to see it next week that way, all depends on if I want to see it again. The 3D on its own, was very nicely done, rounding out the movie in a good way, like Life of Pi did.
Martin Freeman felt really good as Bilbo. I understand the direction they took the character is a bit more witty and awesome, versus kind of a selfish asshole. Same with the dwarves, but really, I think it made the story better. There were like, three songs in this movie, maybe a throw back to the animated movie. None as silly as those songs, unfortunately.
I also read an article telling me the main 19 differences between the book and the film, and honestly, it mostly seemed like harmless fluff changes that didn’t matter. But when I left the theater, I heard lots of grumblings in regards to changes from the book still. Oh well, one day people might not have a shit. Just kidding, it will never got away.
It had its flaws, and some pacing issues in it. Personally the rock giant fight scene came completely out of nowhere for me, and didn’t really make…any sense. Just happened in the middle of traveling, no explanation, no buildup, and then it was done. Really disliked that scene.
For whatever reason, it has been a shocking fact amongst my friends that I have only seen each of the LOTR movies only once. Each one in theaters, so obviously the theatrical version, never the extended. It is already super fucking hard for me to watch a long movie, and the idea of watching all 3 ended ones in a day just scared me. Scared me more than hippos. Which are pretty damn scary, so you know how scary this idea was to me.
But hey, in honor of The Hobbit remake, why not go to the theaters to see all LOTR again, but extended? In a day?
Why not record my thoughts based on minutes into the film too? I mean, what could happen?
For more info on the event itself, the entire day pass was for $25, came with a lanyard, was going to include special introductions from Peter Jackson, and concession discounts! We are talking $1 refills on drinks (normally no refills), refills on popcorn (normally none), cheaper ice cream, and $2 hot dogs (Versus $4 normally!). All we had to do was stay in the theater for 12.5 hours, how hard could it be?
000 (0:00): Time to start this shit! I got my large drink ready to go, no food yet. Too early. I mean, its 11am, but I of course ate breakfast before this! Yeah. I made the unfortunate mistake of sitting in the middle of a row, but hey, if I have to get up to piss, stretch, food out, or just run around like crazy, I only have to pass one person. I am sure it won’t come up to negatively effect me. Hey, why was there no Peter Jackson introduction?
030 (0:30): Holy fuck, half an hour in, and Bilbo is finally gone. That is HALF AN HOUR of this weird nonsensical back story, then a bunch of shoeless hobbits running around, just, well, running. And doing nothing else. Damn it Bilbo, don’t you know this movie is not your time? This is the time for that little kid from The War! And Rudy! And good old Charlie from Lost! And uhh, some other guy who hasn’t one anything famous.
Alright asshole, for being so useless in any other show or movie, you can have a spot on this review.
054 (0:54): Oh man! Dumbledore and Count Dooku are in an epic wizard fight. Allegedly. All I see them doing is waving their staves at each other, close, but no contact, yet bitches be flying. They at least make it look real on the WWE, come on guys. Man up.
074 (1:14): So, this Man from The Road just took on five of those crazy dark wraith things, by himself. By himself! All Frodo did was sit there and get stabbed, like a bitch. It was like his third fall this series already, and he takes forever to stand back up. If that guy can take on five wraiths by himself, just imagine what they could do if the Hobbits actually gave a shit?
092 (1:32): AHHH, WILL TURNER AND COMIC RELIEF HAVE JUST BEEN IN A SCENE. EVERYONE QUICK. PAY ATTENTION!
100 (1:40): Oh, they are making a fellowship, to guide the ring to the lava pit. I get the title now.
103 (1:43): Meme alert! One does not simply play a character if you are Sean Bean. You must experience the entire life and death of that character, or else. Double internet related time, we have motherfucking Figwit in the house.
Once you go Figwit, you can’t go back.
120 (2:00): Come on Dumbledore, open the damn door. Before the tentacle demon happens.
128 (2:08): Meme alert #2. Confused Dumbledore is super confused. So am I, what the fuck is going on?
147 (2:27): So, are all the meme and internet references in this dungeon? Because You shall not pass just happened. I could piece this part of the movie entirely through memes, and it bugs me.
164 (2:44): Alright, they are in this elf forest. I have learned something about this trilogy. Big elf parts are super boring. It is a shame there were no big dwarf parts. But the extended scenes must have just added stuff here, because I am going to die if these elf scenes continue to happen.
205 (3:25): A-ha! First movie done! Bean is dead, they are split up, and Samwise really wants to mount Frodo.
243 (4:03): The search for sustinance is going terrible wrong. The movie has started 7 minutes ago, we got a longer break than expected because of the no Peter Jackson stuff. The popcorn refill was a lie, there is no ice cream. The $2 hot dogs may have been a lie, because they did not prep for the LOTR break, when of course everyone is getting hot dogs. I bought two myself, and 7 minutes after it starts, after waiting for 35, they tell me I can go in the theater, and they will deliver it. Gee thanks. I only missed the best scene, the Balrog / Dumbledore fight scene!
270 (4:30): Alright, these orcs are horse shit stupid. “Hey, we need more wood.” Old guy – “Okay, chop more trees. Chop them all down!” “Oh okay”. Damn it, don’t be stupid orcs. Obviously just get more wood. Stop throwing that shit in magma too, what a waste!
290 (4:50): HOT DOGS HAVE ARRIVED!
330 (5:30): Whoa whoa whoa, Dumbledore is back but no longer gray. He is white! I think there is a subliminal message in here somewhere. Can’t beat an old crippled guy, but now that he is white, he can win the game? White power! White power! White power!
Wormtongue? Come on Tolkien, why’d you get stupid there?
365 (6:05): There was another long boring part. I almost died. But thankfully, giant words just attacked everybody and I got excited again. Like, I was falling asleep.
415 (6:55): Another long moment of boredom, but seriously. Seriously. Shit is about to go down. The elves have come to the keep to fuck some shit up, so it might be entertaining soon. Maybe.
422 (7:02): Why the fuck is it called The Two Towers? I only saw one tower in this movie…
438 (7:18): OH YEAH. TREES ARE MAD. The Ents or whatever, I love it when they destroy all the shit. It is possibly my favorite scene in the movies.
507 (8:27): The third movie started. Good news, I saw the beginning. We get to see Gollum‘s transformation, but not enough of the past to ruin the Hobbit for us. So no worries.
517 (8:37): Samwise just gave Frodo some bread. Bitches love bread. Especially special elven bread give to them by Liv Tyler.
543 (9:03): Hey, speaking of Liv Tyler. It is Figwit again! Thanks to the internet, even gets some speaking lines this time. Hell, he even got a part in the Hobbit movies as another elf. Not Figwit, maybe an actual character. You can tell everyone is pretty pumped for that shit!
566 (9:26): What is this bull shit hidden fortress in Mordor? It looks like the Emerald City, if the Emerald City was taken over by the witch and her weird ass army. That is all I could see here. Secret passage way in the back, my ass. Gollum, stop lying to us.
L. Frank Baum would be suing some asses, if he didn’t die almost 100 years ago.
590 (9:50): That Gollum guy just called Samwise fat. Samwise is mad. He so mad, no one calls him fat. It’d be Mr. Fat to Gollum, at least.
609 (10:09): This Aragorn and random blonde chick romance is getting kind of weird. She basically threw herself at him again, asked if she could do anything for him, despite his love of a certain elf. I thought for sure he was about to ask her for a quick BJ.
622 (10:22): Skull avalanche! Skavalanche? Dead army? Yes, yes yes, dead army!
Yeah, definitely Skavalanche. No other term can do!
624 (10:24): So the dead army might have scared me a little bit. I dropped my pen. It is a dark theater, and a black pen. Whoops. But hey, Peter Jackson just got shot by pretty elf boy, which is awesome.
641? (10:41): NOOOO. Why did you do that? “No man can kill me!” “I am not a man!” Oh god, the cheese, it is falling from the sky, in such a climatic battle. At least they won. Too bad the ending is still about an hour away.
665 (11:05): You know what Return of the King reminds me of? Star Wars Episode III. Frodo is looking super Anakin like in that movie, all this magma. I thought I was about to hear samwise yell that he had the upper ground, and to call Gollum foolish. Holy shit, I wonder if they used similar CGI sets?
Is this not a clip from the end of LOTR?
675 (11:15): I think I will let Randall take it from here.
Yeah its over! And only 12 ish hours of my life were gone!
Turns out these movies were much better than I remember. Not sure why everyone hates on the second one. I thought it better than the first, which just takes an eon roughly to get set up.
I finished the day with only five piss breaks, pretty proud of myself. I am just disappointed I got the 15 disk Blu-Ray set of the movies about two weeks before the event, because now I won’t want to see the awesome BR quality until sometime next year. There is a such thing as too many hobbits.
But be warned, if you do this stuff, maybe bring something else to do during the long boring parts. Or at least have a mini-Olympics in between movies, to get the blood flowing again. I am pretty sure there is no way the Hobbit movies will have extended versions. They already extended it from 2 to 3 movies, he can’t possibly have more. Can he? Can he?!
Life of Pi was always one of those books that I figured I should read, yet still never did. It had a pretty tiger on the front, and Pi in the title. I like math! Maybe it is about some crazy math world, an irrational place, where Pi is left stranded. I don’t know. Reminds me of Flatland, another math based book I never read but should one day.
Hold the phone. Flatland movie thing is currently being remastered to be released in winter 2012. Excellent. I hope I get to see that. Fuck the book.
Err, yes. Life Of Pi. Nothing to do with math really. Somewhat. But oh boy, so much more than just math.
Bitch, there’s a mother fucking Tiger in this movie.
This story, is about a story, that allegedly might make you believe in God. Pi (Irrfan Khan) has lived a strange life. So strange, yet so secretive, that some writer (Rafe Spall) was told he has a story to tell, and wants to write a book about it. Maybe.
Well, it turns out his name is actually from a hotel, and not Pi. But it sounds like pissing, so he shortened it, to the math symbol, and eventually he got it to stick. His father (Adil Hussain) owned a zoo, and mother (Tabu) was a home maker. His dad believed in reason, his mother a strict Hindu. He also considered himself to be a Jewish Hindu Christian Muslim. Fuck your stereotypes on just picking one, said kid Pi!
But unfortunately for slightly older teenage Pi (Suraj Sharma), his family is going to move from India to Canada. They need to sell the zoo and move on, poor economy and all. So that is what they do, even so far as to getting on a Japanese cargo ship to ship all the animals across the sea. There is a mean chef on board (Gerard fucking Depardieu) but overall it is fine. Until the storm happens.
Yeah, the boat capsizes. Bad things happen, and next thing you know Pi finds himself on a life boat, sharing it with some animals. Can Pi survive in the Mid Pacific ocean for over 200 days, with a Tiger ready to eat his face off?
Oh shit, it looks so artsy too at the same time.
Whoa. Just Whoa. Whoaaa.
I have shown in the past that religious based movies tend to piss me off, but that is usually because of their low budget and shoddy workmanship instead of the message they convey. So if you take a very detailed movie, based on a very well written book, you could say whatever you want for all I care.
I tagged this movie as spiritual, because that is a big part of it, Pi discovering his true self. I watched the movie bright eyed, both amazed at the level of detail that went into each scene, the great cinematography, and wondering just what would happen next. I got to see the 3D version, and the 3D is not a gimmick where shit just comes out at you every once in awhile, but instead just adds an overall roundness and complete feeling to the movie. A lot like what Avatar did (even though it had tons of stuff coming out at you as well).
It is interesting that they cut out a few scenes in order to make it PG, because I don”t think kids will really get the full impact from the movie, and perhaps find it boring. Might have been better at PG-13, to apparently make it more true to the source material.
I fully suggest watching this movie, and it might give you a new appreciation on life. The ending really makes you think, given the final words of Pi’s story.
Holidays are now in full swing and the makers of movies are finally tired of the same old crap. Do we really need another movie about Santa or the Spirit of Christmas? Or trying to explain why a bunny celebrates with eggs? How the tooth fairy is able to gather teeth all around the world? No, the consumer is tired of all of that. We need new tales, new ideas, but preferably with characters we already know. Which is probably why Rise of the Guardians will be such a success!
Yeah, I kind of like the Tooth Fairy in this film. I would do things, horrible things.
The Guardians are a team of holiday figures and legends who have banded together to protect the children of the world! Formed by the mysterious man on the moon, it consists of North (Alec Baldwin) aka Santa Claus, Bunny (Hugh Jackman) for Easter, the Tooth Fairy (Isla Fisher) and the Sandman (who doesn’t talk).
They haven’t had any problems the last 900 or so years, with the last threat being a man named Pitch Black (Jude Law), aka the Boogeyman. But they banished him so long ago, he can’t cause any problems. After all, you aren’t even visible to humans unless they believe in you. He still has some scary powers, just harder for him to cause wide scale havoc.
Unfortunately, those last 900 years he has been in hiding, planning to take out the guardians by making the kids of the world stop believing in them, Yes, no more happiness, only fear! Mwhaha! But then there is Jack Frost (Chris Pine), forever trapped a teenager in his weird life. No one has ever really believed in him, so he is used to being ignored. Despite that, he still tried to bring fun and excitement to the world, one snowball at a time.
Adding a new entity to the battle is not what The Boogeyman had planned for, but can some snow and ice really stop the eternal darkness? To me, personally, it seems like it would help bring upon eternal darkness. Yes, I am saying snow is dumb.
Pitch Black has a very Hades vibe going on, but darker. Probably because no fire on his head.
As I have stated before in many reviews (Tooth Fairy, Hop) I can’t stand when they make a movie about holiday figures, but don’t make it work in the world they created for the film. That is, why would adults no longer believe in the Easter Bunny, if he is really the entity out painting eggs and hiding them around yards? If the parents aren’t doing it, then clearly it is something else. No reason for them to not believe in it, when there is plenty of evidence that they actually exist.
Besides that, there are some other plot holes. For some reason, the guardians lose their powers if kids don’t believe in them. Why? Not sure, since clearly Jack Frost and Pitch Black have not had problems in the power department, despite the clear lack of belief. Arbitrary penalties for nonsensical rules.
Outside of the large plot holes, I found the movie on its own to be pleasant. The animation was almost mouth watering. I loved the attention to detail on the characters and the large fight scenes between Jack Frost, Pitch Black, and The Sandman. I think all the actors did well voicing their respective characters, especially Baldwin as a sort of Russian, extreme Santa Claus.
Oh, and yetis. There are yetis in this movie. Yetis can single-handedly save a bad movie if utilized properly (The Mummy: Tomb of the Dragon Emperor). I am sure they will be selling stuffed versions for Christmas, so I will put it on my wishlist.
Rise has great visuals and a decent storyline, as long as you ignore the prevalent plot holes. If anything, I can say it is entertaining and a movie families will definitely enjoy.
As it is a straight up sequel, not a collaboration of movies like the Avengers, it almost has more pressure because it will be compared success and fail to The Dark Knight from 2008. Which you’ve seen right? And of course Batman Begins? If you haven’t then you are silly for wanting to see this movie or read this review. Watch the first two movies first, it matters.
What in the what, hey, you there. Stop that! You don’t belong in that safe.
Don’t worry, I wont spoil much. But here, let me set the scene.
The movie takes place eight years after The Dark Knight. Harvey Dent is celebrated as a hero, and Batman (Christian Bale) has taken the fall for his Two-Face badness. So at this point crime is way down. No masked vigilantes, no super humans running amuck. Commissioner Gordon (Gary Oldman) is being a commisioner, and thinking about letting the world really know.
Bruce Wayne is now a shut in, hurt leg, and doesn’t go out much, despite Alfred’s (Michael Caine) best attempts. Wayne Enterprises, still run by Lucious Fox (Morgan Freeman) isn’t poor, but isn’t making really any money anymore. Mostly sucks for all the orphanages and stuff that worked on his funding. A lot of money was tied into a sustainable energy project, brought on by an environmentalist Miranda Tate (Marion Cotillard).
But when a pseudo masked strong man, Bane (Tom Hardy) takes up residence in Gotham city, err, well why is he there? And why the heck is some chick (Anne Hathaway) stealing his jewels when he wants to just be a shut in? And what is with that shifty eyed cop, John Blake (Joseph Gordon-Levitt) with his notions of justice?
Bitches ain’t nothin’ but hoes and tricks.
Ughhh, I wish I was reviewing this in 2014 so I can say all the spoilers. Because yes, 2 years is enough time to allow it.
Performance wise, I loved both Catwoman and Bane. Anne Hathaway personally never disappoints me, and I think she won a lot of naysayers over. Bane was so diabolically creepy to me. Strong, and smart, the best of both worlds, he dismantled all of Gotham and his voice and eyes were just so full of emotion to me. I almost found myself on his side, due to his weird form of Charisma.
Also, fucking Michael Caine. Every time he spoke, you listened. Powerful performance from him.
I think the story still may have been a bit too long. I think early on a few scenes dragged on a bit too long, but I understand the necessity of it all.
I’ve heard people note that there isn’t enough “Batman” in the batman movie. Instead, it felt like a lot more Gotham centric movie, and I loved the attention that went to all the different players. Maybe a bit too much time for Joseph Gordon-Levitt, but hey.
I think I need to say powerful again, because there are a lot of powerful moments. I almost teared up twice, and actually did once again. I like that the expected ending wasn’t what actually occurred. Unfortunately, my comic based activities and hearing rumors gave me a specific mind set going into the film. I kept forcing plot points to go to my mindset instead of how they were presented, and fuck me, I was right.
From Fear, to Chaos, to Pain, I think the trilogy as a whole will be celebrated for its “Realism” in terms of a comic book movie, and great attention to detail, along with the social implications of it all. Whether or not this is what the people who grew up during the late 70s felt when Star Wars was being released, I don’t know, but it probably will be one of the closest relatable feelings I have to something like that.
John Carter has been hit hard, right in the rear end, with piss poor advertising and some early reviews.
An expensive Disney movie, should have had a lot going for it, but nope. Nothing. Personally I have heard of John Carter before, vaguely, I knew it was sci-fi books from the yesteryears. But when I first saw a trailer for it, I only could think of how bad it looked. My first thought was that “What? They made a movie using all the left over prop parts from Prince of Persia. Who cares.”
Way too similar, the main peoples outfits, and both in deserts. Yeah, whatever. Some aliens too, cool.
Turns out Disney for whatever reason didn’t try too hard to market it, or get the facts right with their own movie. So they deserve it I guess. Next thing you know is Pixar will just assume everyone will go their movies if they make them (and they will).
“So you…don’t have access to the sands of time?” John Carter stammered, glancing towards his script.
The movie begins with….NOT JOHN CARTER (Taylor Kitsch). Instead he is dead. Sad times. He has left his rich later 1800s fortune to a nephew or something of his, Edgar (Daryl Sabara). He is told he only has access to his personal diary. In it he says all of his past stories he told him were true! But here is a re-telling of how it began…
Long ago, after the Civil war in the area not yet known as Arizona, Carter was just trying to get by, looking for gold. Well the local US army there wants to enlist him to help fight the Apache (Since he was a kick ass soldier/leader in the Civil War). John doesn’t want too, much to the general’s (Bryan Cranston) demands. He tries to escape multiple times, eventually does, and when they run into the Apache, he successfully escapes both groups into a cave. Some weird shit happens, and he is transported far and away to a different desert.
WHERE HE CAN FLY. Not really, but jump super awesomely far. Hells yeah. But then some aliens run into him. Behemoth ten foot tall monsters, with four arms. They are confused by him, but eventually capture him (not kill) to bring back to their base. The head mean guy Tal Hajus (Thomas Haden Church) wants to kill him so badly, but the king, Tars Tarkas (Willem Dafoe) says no. Fuck that. Train that dude. He can jump like crazy.
Also there is other shit going on, between some kingdom called Helium and Zodanga. Helium is the good guys, war, the princess of Helium (Lynn Collins) has to marry someone in Zodanga, or else. She said nope. War stuff. Escapes, John saves her. Big war. Bald dude magic guy (Mark Strong) from Zodanga wants to fuck all the shit up.
Eventually a journey starts up to end the war, between the nations and the big alien things. With a dog like creature too. And the daughter of the alien king (Samantha Morton). Shit, details aren’t necessary. But a lot fighting ends up happening, some personal shit with John Carter’s nuclear family, and some other shenanigans (like you know, going back to Earth, obviously).
“Oh fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck!” John Carter sighed, quite nonchalantly.
Holy shit, this movie was more than about a guy on Mars, fucking up some shit. There was some stuff about post civil war Arizona! Some history! Yeah!
I loved the beginning of the movie a lot. From his bumbling in Az, to his bumbling on Mars and having no idea what is going on. I’d say about halfway, I did lose a bit of the drive. I think the war between nations, and an alien nation could have been simplified a bit. Instead of just throwing out a bunch of people with weird names at me. I bet, I bet reading the book would have made it all simpler, which is not a good thing for a movie.
But in terms of action/adventure entertainment? I was definitely entertained. Well done. Unfortunately this monetary flop means not only probably no more John Carter movies, but that Disney will in general stay away from Mars forever.
When I saw the (countless) previews for Brave I was never wildly impressed with them, and didn’t really care if I saw it or not. Well, I knew I would see it but when is the better question.
I also learned recently that there is a rather large subset of people who believe that Pixar can do no wrong, all of their movies are amazing, and judge new movies based off everything they’ve ever done. That sucks for Pixar. Good for money, but still, kind of a weird position to be in.
Either way, what bugged me about the previews is they were all super vague. For some reason a girl wants to change her fate and has to go at great lengths to do it. But from the previews it makes it seem like the fate she wants to avoid is just a marriage? Hmm, weird.
Oh and she likes to shoot things, of course.
Merida (Kelly Macdonald) is a Scottish “princesS”. Her father Fergus (Billy Connolly) lost his leg in a fight with the deadliest bear ever, of all time, and helped lead the other three tribes to fight off invaders. So they made him king. However, they agreed that to strengthen the tribes, the daughter (once she gets a certain age) must marry the first born son of one of the other chieftains. Ugh, marriage!
Her mom Elinor (Emma Thompson) is the voice of reason in the house, and has been grooming her daughter to be a proper lady and suitable Queen should the time come. Her dad gave her a bow and arrow, and taught her to ride and be adventurous and hunt! Doesn’t help when the the tribes come to town, the three suitors are all “undesirable” (seemingly based on outward appearance only, for shame Merida). Lord Dingwall (Robbie Coltrane), Lord MacGuffin (Kevin McKidd) and Lord Macintosh (Craig Ferguson) are all willing to fight over it, so she has an archery competition to decide!
Which she enters herself, pissing off her mom, embarrassing the tribes, and then she runs away. Hey whats that? A witch (Julie Walters)? A potion to change her fate by changing her mom? That is a vague as crap potion wish, I am sure it won’t come back to haunt her or do anything too drastic. AND THEN I REALIZED WHY THE PLOT WAS SO SECRETIVE.
It just feels ludicrous to even explain what happens in the second half, and spoils a lot of things. So uhh, rather you find out on your own.
Her unkempt hair shows her free spirit.
Alright, first off I don’t care that the main character is a woman and that she can shoot a bow. Movies that go against stereotypes just to do that shouldn’t matter, cause I don’t care if a lead is male or female, animated or actually existing. Turns out the fact that she can shoot a bow really good adds…very little to the story. Its whole purpose to give her a “non girly” thing to do and surprise people with.
But outside of that, I think the the writers walked a pretty nice line in terms of avoiding women stereotypes, if that was their goal. Don’t be fooled though, this movie is mostly stereotypes. I mean, kilts, Scottish people, just asking for it. Most of the humor is slapstick in nature as well. But the mom? Not mean, just caring. Merida? Not really brave, but kind of reckless and childish. The witch? Not at all mean, just kind of a plot point to teach people lesson/morals.
The actual “bad guy” in the movie also turns out to not even be that bad. A film with everyone being a decent person (eventually).
You might be confused. “Wait? Merida not that Brave?” Sure, she does some stuff, takes some courage. But the bravest character in the movie is in fact the mom character. I think it should have been more from her point of view, but that is harder to sell. So when I looked back on the film, I imagined it as her story and liked it a lot better. Because like I said, Merida is just way more typical child, leaping before looking, overreacting, refusing to talk things out, reckless, than brave. But hey, whatever.
I also felt that some instances could have been vastly improved, story telling wise. But then it would have probably made it a PG-13 movie instead. Oh well.
I’ve known about the epicly long movie Australia for awhile now, but not as long as it took to make this movie. Holy crap, delays, research, and 9 months of shoots.
I have now determined that Baz Luhrmann is insane. Or some sort of crazy genius at least. Dude is Australian and proud of it, and wants to showcase a lot of it. Understandable, but the last film I saw that was just a love song to Australia wasn’t the best experience.
What I knew about this film in advance was that it was pretty as heck (so I had to watch it on Blu-Ray) and super long. Sounds good to me.
For an epic movie, I am only allowed to use wallpaper pictures.
Obviously this takes place in Australia. But first, Britain! Also pre WW2. Lady Sarah (Nicole Kidman) is being all rich like, when she heads to Australia to force her husband into selling the cattle farm down there, which is losing buckets of money. She gets there and her husband has a Drover (Hugh Jackman) give her a ride to the ranch, with the help of his two aborigine friends. She doesn’t like him.
BUT OH SHIT. The husband is dead, and his death is blamed on King George (David Gulpilil), an aborigine who lives in the desert. That’s weird. Why would he? No one knows, but the claims come from a neighboring ranch, lead by King Carney (Bryan Brown) and his drover associates Neil Fletcher (David Wenham). I’m sure they have no reason to lie.
Well, Lady Sarah finds out that Fletcher when working for them to move their horses has been letting a few cross the river into Carney’s territory. That thievery is unacceptable, so he is fired, but she is in a predicament. She wants to sell all the horses (preferably to the government, easier), but has no way to get the horses to them! If she sells them to Carney, he will gain a monopoly on Horses, and the government will be forced to pay outrageous fees. So why not hire Dover and his two friends?
What? Three people cant lead 1500 horses on a long trek across Europe? Well, Lady Sarah can ride a horse, and so can her house assistant. And so can Nullah (Brandon Walters), the half aborigine kid. And so can her accountant, Kipling Flynn (Jack Thompson) as long as he puts down the booze.
Great, they just need to cross a very unforgiving Australia, with hot deserts, and potentially people trying to sabotage their mission. Can they make it to Administrator Allsop (Barry Otto) in time?!
Wait. Turns out that plot doesn’t last 165 minutes. That is still only half the movie. The second half is years later, dealing with the Stolen Generation of Aborigine kids, in lieu of efforts during World War II, and other war stuff going on. Holy shit.
So much shit is going on in this movie.
Alright so, yeah, 165 minute movie. And it definitely felt like two movies to me. Once the first plot ended about halfway through, I was confused. I first thought time went by super quick, but nope, movie 2 began.
I was a bit taken aback by it too, and it took me awhile to adjust to the change of plot and time frame that eventually occurred. So a review of film 1? I loved it. The scenery, the campiness, the adventure. I was taking it all in, and it was fantastic. Movie 2? Didn’t find it as good. Felt a lot more modern, obviously with some war and guns and what not. The campiness and level of scenery were still high, just didn’t find it as interesting. Was a lot less more adventure feeling, and more dramatic/actiony. Yes, the tones change greatly.
But hey, people die. It did remind me of his last big movie, Moulin Rouge! except for a bit less craziness. But in terms of camera work, it was all definitely a Baz style.
I would recommend this movie if you have tons of time, want to go on a journey unlike any reality you know, and have a nice TV/Blu-Ray. Get that DVD/20 inch screen out of here. Won’t be as good.
If you haven’t heard of The Avengers, then fuck you.
In 2008 a great thing happened. Comic book movies kicked ass. The Dark Knight, Hellboy II, and Iron Man came out, in reverse order between May and July.
After the success of Iron Man, they quickly announced their three (turned into four) year plan. After Iron Man, The Incredible Hulk. Then another Iron Man movie. Then Thor. Then Captain America.
Then? The fucking Avengers. Each hero getting at least one movie before hand, bringing them together for an epic never before seen in film. It’d be like if the Lord of the Rings had a movie back story for Legolas, and the other people I don’t remember.
How many more nerd hits can I get before the actual review? Not sure. But needless to say, this movie has been something I have been waiting four years for, and it delivered in every way possible. May the Fourth be with us indeed.
Didn’t even tell Steve about casual Fridays.
The movie begins with the Tesseract (introduced at the end of Thor and in Captain America) going crazy. S.H.I.E.L.D. is going crazy, red alerts. Agent Coulson is trying to catch up Nick Fury on the cube, but unfortunately is is confusing. We also get to meet Agent Maria Hill (Robin from HIMYM). Because we need more than 1 woman character in this movie.
Either way, turns out it opens a portal from another part of the universe, and out pops Loki! He fucks shit up, takes the cube, and also takes Professor Selvig (From Thor) prisoner, along with some other members. And well, he is thinking about using that unlimited energy source to open up a permanent portal, bring up an army of space aliens, and you know take over/destroy Earth. He is mad at Thor and Asgard for kicking him out, so he wants vengeance on the world Thor loves so much.
Fighting demigods means you need to bring in the big guns. S.H.I.E.L.D. attempts to do just that. Getting in touch with Thor is hard, but not Iron Man, Captain America, Black Widow, or Hawkeye. They also need Bruce Banner (Hulk), but only to use his brains for finding the cube, definitely not for Hulking. (cough).
So what is the movie about? Stopping Loki before he takes over the world. Trying to not resort to nuclear bombs. Trying to see if a team made entirely of egos (and Captain America) can actually work together and not fight it out. Trying to control the Hulk. And so much destruction of Manhattan.
Again, they first have to work out their own differences and motives.
OH MY GOODNESS THE AVENGERS.
GUYS THE AVENGERS. PLEASE READ THIS AS ME YELLING.
After Disney bought Marvel I didn’t even think this would be possible, but this is the first of the Marvel films to have the full Disney backing and they didn’t disappoint. The movie has everything. You will laugh and cry, be excited and maybe scared. You will laugh and be excited a lot though more than the others, and it feels like nonstop action too. A good feeling for a movie that clocks in over two hours.
The amount of extra nerd detail put into it, small moments watching the Avengers team up and use specific movies? It is amazing.
In case anyone is curious, next year we are supposed to get Iron Man 3 and Thor 2, and then 2014 a sequel to Captain America, probably taking place in WW2 still, before the frozen events.
A sequel to Avengers isn’t likely until 2016 or so, which is good them to not be rushed. They gave a middle of credits hint to the sequel too, and it looks great. Probably a Dr. Strange movie is in the works for 2014/15, and maybe even Ant-Man. With a Joss Whedon movie, I was surprised there was no Nathan Fillion cameo as Hank Pym.
I have a good feeling I will be seeing this movie in theaters again, and many times in the future on Blu-Ray. Just think, we also get The Dark Knight Rises, Prometheus, and Amazing Spider-Man this summer.
