Tag: Action

Heck yes. Straight to video, Scorpion King 3: Battle For Redemption. This is clearly the movie you have been looking for.

In fact, here is a real piece of “Trivia” on IMDB about it, and possibly the best trivia I have ever read for a movie:

This film is a sequel to the second film The Scorpion King: Rise of a Warrior. So this is a sequel of a prequel The Scorpion King, which is a prequel to The Mummy Returns, which is a sequel to The Mummy which is a remake of 1932’s The Mummy.

Get all of that? I linked to the links they provided. So don’t worry, I didn’t miss one.

The last picture on page 1 for SK3 is this, and the first one of the actual main characters. Go figure.

I wish I could say the guy on the left (Bostin Christopher) is there for comic relief. I mean. He is. But to me it seems that everyone is there for comic relief. I don’t think I single character is really that serious in the movie. Not campy, like a lot of The Mummy’s characters, but mostly just dumb. The main guy is played by Victor Webster, and for some reason he is a mercenary.

Ron Perlman! A king of some blah place hires them to go and fuck up another guys place. That other guy being Billy Zane with hair. Probably a Tyrant. Also is getting the Book of the Dead to cast some spells, get some ghost warriors, and become a god. Something like that. And they have to stop him!

Ron Perlman just wants the area to rule though. So he also might be bad.

He also has crazy hair!

So, this movie is a mess. Not only does it never grasp your attention (since everything seems like a Joke, despite the “Serious tone”) but it is also boring (Reader: “Didn’t you imply that with never grasping your attention?” No. No I did not). Plot is stupid, no one acts good, and not even funny.

WHY ARE YOU DOING THIS TO ME RON PERLMAN? YOU CAN DO GREAT THINGS. YOU WERE HELLBOY!

But he must have money problems or something. Because he seems to take every movie that comes his way.

Or maybe he is just bored, and realizes life is short, why not make some (a lot of) shitty movies?

Killer Elite is based on a “True story”. Or an alleged true story. The Feather Men, a novel that came out in 1991 by some “British Adventurer” telling the story of a group of killers called The Clinic. That is all Wiki told me however, and I don’t think I heard “The Clinic” at all mentioned in the movie. Not even sure who they are supposed to be?

But if I had to pick one person to be a Feather Man? I’d pick him.

So some Mercenaries are in Mexico in 1980, killing some people. Jason Statham, Robert De Niro, and two other guys. Statham retires to Australia, but is force to come back a year later when De Niro is captured! According to “The Agent” (Adewale Akinnuoye-Agbaje, who I will always call Mr. Eko) he accepted a 6 million dollar mission, but failed is going to get executed. Somehow, the only way to save him is to finish his mission.

He has to find three former Special Air Service (British shit, SAS) members, record their confessions, and then kill them but make it look like an accident. Shit. Thats hard stuff. So he gets the other two guys and they try and do that. Them for the money, him to save De Niro. The actual feathermen are a secret society of former operatives, that look out after their own, lead by Clive Owen. They are gonna try and stop them too.

Oh yeah, an Yvonne Stahovski is the girlfriend of Statham (or Sarah from Chuck) but she isn’t in the movie that much, really.

But there is lots of everyone else.

So although a lot of the tactics / assassinations, and “plot twists” were interesting, I think the biggest problem was just the ability to really understand what was going on. Name dropping stuff like SAS at the beginning, and going very quick to set up the plot made it harder for me to figure out what was going on. All I really know is that he had to kill these 3 dudes, or else. I mean, hey, that can be enough for you to go. But there was lot of military British stuff, that I just could not understand. Especially since this all takes place in the early 80s.

But other than that. It was more or less well paced.

Dumb titles aside, Sinners and Saints does what…well, a lot of movies seem to be doing since Katrina. Apparently a post-Katrina New Orleans is a gritty, bad place to live. Or maybe the gangs are bad there, and the cops are the most dedicated (for not moving?) that they all warrant movies, fictionalizing the neighborhoods.

Even pre-Katrina though, I have found New Orleans “Area” to be yucky. So I hate seeing the same area, just “worse looking” on my movies. Thats all I will say on that!

Hey look, violence!

I am feeling lazy, so here is the plot from IMDB!

In the gritty New Orleans underbelly, beleaguered Detective Sean Riley (Johnny Strong) is trying to cope with the death of his young son and his failed marriage. Facing a probable suspension from the department, Riley is teamed with a young homicide Detective, Will Ganz (Kevin Phillips), to help solve a series of brutal murders that have plunged the city into a major gang war. The two quickly realize there is something much bigger and far more sinister going on than either could have ever imagined.

There is also Costas Mandylor, playing another cop dude, and Method Man, playing a gangster with a disfigured face. I looked very hard for a picture of it, but alas, the internet does not giveth.

I want to describe the brutal murders though. Usually they involve strapping someone to a chair, dousing them in gasoline, and of course, setting them on fire. They keep finding people burned and dead in chairs! That is fucked up. And messy. NO is crazy.

I can’t help but think this is the work of Drew Brees!

The film I only found kind of interesting. The low budget of it really took away from the story from me. Tried to make it seem even grittier than it needed to be. Not a good feeling.

Or I don’t love it from my distaste of the area. One or the other.

Obviously I have a wide arrange of movies readily available to me, and this is one of the first I had the chance to see. I passed it up though, at the time, because I wasn’t yet set in the “Watch everything always, damn it!” mind set. It just looked like it would be dumb, and cheesy. The Warrior’s Way is a nice title, but for a movie like this? Yuck!

Actual scene from movie.

Dong-gun Jang (who will be Yang, from here on out) comes to a small town in the west, pretty empty, pretty much just a circus. He is a member of an assassin group, and wants to be the best swordsman in the entire world. But in doing so, he must defeat every member of an opposing clan, and when he gets to the last member, a baby, he cannot do it. He is outcasted from his own clan, and goes on the run.

At the carnie-town, he meats the mayor (Tony Cox), the local drunk (Geoffrey Rush), and a ill tempered woman (Kate Bosworth). After some time, (and training of some townspeople), The “Colonel” (Danny Huston) comes back to torture the town. He frequently raids them, and kills as he pleases.

Blah blah blah, he helps them fight back, gain the courage they once had. Eventually the assassins also attack, which makes the fight more fair for the town (as the two groups fight), while Yang tries to kill evurrybuddy up in this joint (minus the carnies). Redemption is eventually had. If you want a stupidly long plot summary, for some reason they wrote a book about this movie on Wikipedia.

Awww, look at the baby.

Alright, so the plot is pretty bad. The acting, not the best either. I am pretty sure the entire movie was filmed in front of a green screen too, similar to 300. Nothing seems real, and I think that takes away from the experience of really getting into the movie.

But the fighting. OH MAN THE FIGHTING. The action scenes in this movie are the only thing saving it. Yes, a lot of it becomes “CGI fighting scenes”, but they spent a lot of work on them. Probably all of their work on them. Even the small skirmishes were visually entertaining in the movie.

I am not saying this makes it a great movie, by all means no. But usually a “2 out of 4” means it is okay, or worthy of only one watch (as you probably wont want to see it again). This is more so the “one and done” method, not the decent method. I’d say watch it cheaply if you can for the fight scenes, with a bunch of people. You will go “ooh” and “aah” like trained seals.

When someone sees the title Shark Night 3D they will assume certain things about it. One, that there is a a lot of gore, peopl getting ripped up in bloody disgusting ways. Two, if it is about college kids, sex and naked swimming is bound to happen, and then those people will die. Three, probably they will die because of having sex, or doing drugs, or being bad people, not just dying for no reason.

I can say that this movie has none of the three expectations, and for one obvious reason. It is rated PG-13.

WHY THE FUCK IS A MOVIE LIKE THIS RATED PG-13??

This is about all you will get on option 2.

So yeah, group of college kids going to…a lake house! The “main character” is Sara Paxton, from the picture above. She used to live in this area of Louisiana, and left for college to get educated! It shows, because no wone they meet in town seem to have any brains. Not even local sheriff, Donal Logue, or that guy from Grounded For Life.

The main guy, if any, is played by Dustin Milligan, but they also have Joel David Moore, or that guy from Dodgeball / Grandma’s Boy. So yeah. Eventually a shark attack happens. Not sure whats going on. Sharks take out boats too. Other twists and turns. And then it ends, on a very very vague note. Not in “oh man, what happens?” way, but a “okay, they won! Hey look another shark” kind of way. Boring.

Oh no watch out!!!!!!

Also, the sharks in this movie. They look horrible. Fake and bad. Not even scary, just dumb. Obviously CGI’d, and CGI’d badly. Might even make you throw up. Which is a reaction the movie might be going for, since there cannot be any gore.

The plots for the characters and how they die are stupid. One guy, for some reason, wants to get vengeance so badly that he takes a spear and walks into the lake, just to try and fight it. What the hell? His whole character doesn’t make sense.

Usually I give it a 0 only if I am angry at it. While I am not as angry as I normally am for an 0, I am angry that they attempted to do this sort of movie, with the rating restrictions in place.

It has taken me a long time to watch The Expendables, mostly because it and Eat, Pray, Love came out on the same day as Scott Pilgrim vs The World in theaters. Both of which did better in the box office, despite my fanboyism declaring that SP was clearly the best movie. So, in order to make up for it, I had to do the SP review before at least one of those movies. Hooray!

Well, I know ONE cast member who is excited.

The Expendables are a mercenary group for higher, and has quite a few of the names mentioned in them. Lead by Sylvester Stallone, and Jason Statham, it also features Jet Li, Terry Crews, Dolph Lundgren, and Randy Couture. Each having their own specializations of course, because that’s how elite teams works.

They are sent to (somewhere in South America), to take down a dictator played by David Zayas. Eventually Mickey Rourke joins their team as well. Steve Austin is a hired muscle bad guy too! But where do Bruce Willis and Arnold Schwarzenegger come in?

Arnold is the leader of a rival group, who already has a mission lined up, so he lets the Expendables take this one. Willis is the man hiring them. So there is one scene with those two and Stallone, and that is all you will get of those two. So, if that is your draw? Well, ignore the movie.

So yeah. Plot is basically that. Lot of action, lot of killing, and the heroes win out at the end of the day. I think what makes a better story is who didn’t make the film!

John-Claude Van Damme was supposed to play a major role, but didn’t want to. But he regrets it now and will be in the sequel. Terry Crews role went through 3 people before him (Wesley Snipes, Forest Whitaker, and 50 Cent). And the role that Willis landed was first given to Arnold, and then offered to Kurt Russell, but I guess he was too cool to do one scene in a movie.

Really, all that does is make me wish original people got their roles. There’d be more bigger famous names, less new guys (who the hell is Randy Couture??).

Some guy who loves puppies?

In terms of plot, its is pretty weak. In terms of tons of action, and throw backs to the “classics” in the 80s and 90s, it does well. This is one of those films where you will know if you will enjoy it before going to see it. Really not much else to say about that.

As you all know, I really did not like Colombiana. It had almost every bad movie cliche in it, and it did it just to sell more tickets, and help dumben America. Or something. But when I was told that Salt is like the opposite of Colombiana, I was very skeptical. After all, it is Angelina Jolie, and she was Tomb Raider! She has always been an “action star” but I never really understood why. Especially since most of the roles she had played were based off her looks, not acting or fighting or shooting ability.

So someone who made a career of doing things I hated about movies, did the exact opposite in a movie? Yeah. I guess so.

Two Tomb Raiders for Two Movies.

Salt really is a film about trust and betrayal. That an hilarious misunderstandings, without the hilarity. Evelyn Salt is working for the US Government. A CIA spy or whatever.

Some Russian dude comes out of no where though. And wants to be taken in and tell his tale. So Salt interrogates him with Chiwetel Ejiofor, and he lets them know that Russia has spies in the US government that want to kill the President of the US and the President of Russia, to make a war. So who does he name? Salt of course! Salt freaks out, and from the wording of the Russian dude, also thinks her husband is at risk. All she wants to do is make sure he is okay, but the CIA said “nuh uh” to that. Can’t let her go now! Well she gets out anyways. Despite Liev Schreiber‘s best attempt to keep her contained.

So the movie is about Salt trying to find her husband, and figure out why that guy would say that? Is she actually born a russian spy and meant to kill the president? Is it some programming thing in her brain that will just go off, like Relax in Zoolander? Or is she being set up by Russia in order for another spy to carry out that mission? WHAT? TELL ME?

Oh damn it. You have to watch to find out. What is interesting in the movie is that they use the confusion well as a plot device. The viewer is never really sure who is the bad guy, just like Angelina Jolie isn’t sure either. Not until the climax is everything cleared out, you know, like a classic spy movie. Similarly, the shooting/escaping/fighting is really well done.

Salt is also not invincible. She gets knocked down, bleeds, gets hurt, but gets back up. None of this “oh I am so much better than all of you, let me kick yo ass!” stuff. Also! Angelina Jolie doesn’t do anything sexy in this movie. Zero. It relies entirely on plot twists and action to carry the movie, and some acting. No “lets get more guys to watch this” filler shit. Bonus points Jolie.

Pictured: Zero sex appeal.

I applaud this movie for focusing on an interesting movie first, and kind of realistic (still far from realistic, but realistic-er), and not resorting to all the cheap ploys to try and make more money. You should check it out too.

When you see the cover for Takers, you probably go “Hey! I know some of these people! It must be good!” To be fair, some of the people are known for being in some decent, and some bad movies. We have Idris Elba, Hayden Christensen, and Matt Dillon, who at least classify as actors. Then Michael Ealy who would be a lot less know, along with Zoe Saldana who people are only starting to recognize.

But then you see Chris Brown and T.I. YES! If you love their music, you will love their acting! I guess that is the idea.

I am probably just upset that 50 Cent didn’t get the call.

Lets see! It’s hard to really put a finger on what I didn’t like about this movie. Mostly because my finger isn’t big enough to hit everything at once.

Dillon and some other guy are investigating a very well done bank Robbery. Done by all the guys listed above, but not T.I. or Zoe. Why not T.I.?! (Boom, all 3 “endings in a row). Because he was in prison! From five years ago, he got caught while the rest got away. Thankfully he ain’t a snitch. But he does come back after that bank robbery, when everyone is happy, with a new mission right away. In five days.

Seems legit, if not rushed. Russians are involved, just an armored car thing. Some people don’t like it (so soon!) and what not. But it happens. And then. Betrayal. (WHO SAW THAT COMING?)

But yeah. A lot of movie happens before the heist, and then the heist actually takes some time. But after the heist, when backstabbing may occur, I think it is only in the last 20 minutes. I think a lot of the “pre-heist” stuff is just super slow, and not well done at all. The actual heist? It was kind of cool. I will give you that. Even with the fuckups. But I had so little interest in the rest of the story, it was crazy.

But not as crazy as the fear in his eyes there. Man up!

So uhh yeah. I would rather watch Armored again than this.

Possibly the most hyped movie that is coming out this week (Versus things like Warrior, Dolphin Tale, and Margin Call), Colombiana seems to be about one thing. Money.

And how to get more of their monies.

The movie starts in, you guessed it, Colombia. Guy runs into his house, people are coming for him! So he gives some things to his little girl, letting her know to not give up the item, and some other instructions. They die, right in front of her, yet she doesn’t run and hide. Instead she eventually escapes, despite being like, 7 or something. She then makes her way to Chicago, from Colombia, and finds some uncle, Cliff Curtis, who takes her in and just seems to “know”. She demands that he trains her to be a killer.

FIFTEEN YEARS LATER. In 2007. Zoe Saldana now gets to be in the movie. Get to see her be all sneaky assassin like person, breaking and entering into a prison just to kill someone. Whattabitch. She is doing this to try and get the guy who killed her parents to take notice and come to the US. You know, because the guy she killed was important to him. While doing this, she has a boyfriend who knows nothing, and the FBI are on her tail lead by Lennie James to stop her. Guy sends another assassin after her, Jordi Molla. People die, trust is betrayed, and Zoe exists.

I found watching this movie to be pretty ridiculous. Thankfully she wasn’t fighting toe to toe with everyone, or else it would have made me hate it more. Zoe is VERY small, and can only suspend belief so much. I think she really only does that once, and most of her kills are secrets / from behind. (Aka, without Honor? But this isn’t Ancient China or Revolutionary War or whatever).

But what really bugged me is the bad acting, bad plot, and gratuitous T&A scenes. It probably has one of the more pointless “Hey lets get our main star in a shower” scenes, that even shows a nipple, which is generally “no no” for a PG-13 movie.

Alright, I didn’t expect to see this picture available. But hey, there ya go.

Maybe. Just maybe this movie is secretly parodying other “action movies with women” in them. But no one knows it is a parody? Maybe. That is the only way to explain the amount of times that she gets naked, how awkward the dialogue is, and how robotic it all feels. Fights scenes don’t even look natural, just extremely choreographed. She doesn’t have any special powers or anything, its just training from an uncle.

But to me, this just doesn’t work at all.

Warrior is a movie some have claimed to be movie of the year, while others have claimed its just “another boxing movie”. Boxing movies tend to follow the same plot: Main boxing character is an underdog, has to train a whole bunch, usually with an older stubborn coach, and shocks the world in the tournament near the end (either win a win, or just lasting long). Hell, a lot are also set in the past, when more people cared.

Thankfully Warrior does NOT follow the same path.

Well, ALMOST not the same path. Damn you old stubborn coach.

Brendan (Joel Edgerton) and Tommy (Tom Hardy) are brothers. Or at least they used to be. They don’t talk as much right now.

Brendan ran off with his now current wife (Jennifer Morrison) to have a family. He used to be into MMA, but he stopped because he didn’t want to raise the children in a violent household. But now, as a teacher and with another job, him and his wife are barely making ends meat and about to be foreclosed on.

Tommy had to live at home when his older brother left, to take care of his mother, and alcoholic father (Nick Nolte). He had since become a Marine, and has returned home. By now, his mother is dead, and Nolte is “no longer an alcoholic” and a Christian, but neither Tommy nor Brendan can forgive him.

Brendan does a few smaller fights, MMA style still, to earn some extra cash because the bills are high, causing him to become suspended as a teacher. He joins a local gym/trainer, his friend (Frank Grillo), to get some higher priced tournaments for his family. Tommy however also joins a different gym, and beats “Mad Eye”, a very strong MMA fighter, and the youtube video goes viral.

Both end up getting into Sparta, a 16 man, two day tournament, with the winner taking home a $5 Million dollar prize, Brendan wanting it for his family, Tommy wanting it to give to the families of Marines who died in Iraq.

And this is a powerful fucking story.

I think it is pretty obvious that they meet in the finals.

The pacing for the movie is really well done. The montage they do near the beginning is definitely in a style of its own. Showing ESPN news clips, individual fights, training, but none of which is full screen. Very creative. The actual tournament begins with about an hour of movie remaining, which is plenty of time to give us the crazy fights we crave.

Similarly, we do get to see every fight they are involved in, none of that skipping shit. Obviously a 16 man tournament has four rounds. Too many movies screw up the tournament and leave a lot out, which just annoys the watcher. The fights are great for both brothers.

BUT THE ENDING. The ending fight between the two is so damn emotional. At the end, even though I could guess who would win, I was bawling. It was beautiful folks. And entertaining. The fights also do a good job of escalating in intensity and excitement, making you want to jump up and cheer along.

I personally don’t watch UFC or anything like that, don’t care. But for this movie you don’t have to be. Maybe understanding a few basic rules like tapouts and knock outs would be good. But after that you won’t need any other knowledge.

You all definitely need to watch this movie.