Tag: 2 out of 4

Love Hurts

Sometimes you just have to watch all of the titles that begin with Love. Turns out there is a lot of these bad boys, and I don’t mean overall, just the last few years. Because if you don’t believe in love, you can’t be bohemian. Some say it is better to have loved and lost than to have never loved at all. This movie says fuck that. Losing a love, sucks. It hurts. Love Hurts.

Grant
And…and twins!

This movie is about that weird moment in a marriage when the kids have all moved on and again, it is just you and your spouse. Apparently a lot of relationships only stay together for the kids and end once they are gone and they are both left to only spending time with each other. Some thrive at the freedom, and some get complacent.

Richard E. Grant plays the husband and apparently is pretty boring. His wife, Carrie-Anne Moss (yes, that girl from The Matrix), leaves him to live her life, unable to stand that house any more. Well that sucks. That makes him all depressed.

Now that his son, Johnny Pacar, is off at college, he has no one and is in a big rut. If you thought he was boring before, just you wait! But his son feels bad and tries to get him back on the market and into the social world. Not only does he take a liking to it, but he starts to kick its ass.

He finds FOUR women to fill his void and time with. Jenna Elfman, his nurse, who likes to dance. Janeane Garofalo, his personal trainer, who likes to…be Jewish I guess. And also two twins, who sing karaoke. TWINS GUYS. That stuff is so hard to do. Mostly because in real life it is gross, because twins = related. But still.

But then a funny thing happens. His son, in college, life ahead of him, falls in love. Shit. Doesn’t he know? Dating around is the way to go, not one girl. That shit is for boring people! Or will his attempts to help his son win the girl of his dreams let him realize who he really loves after all? (Yes)

Moss
“Oh! I get it! That is his wife!” – Gorgon Reviews reader.

Somehow, in all of the crap I have picked up this week, this movie has been the best. I was getting jaded, in that I had previously watched three movies that all lacked any reason for me to like them, but this one was thankfully different. I have never heard of the main guy before, but his character and his mid life crises was actually pretty fun to watch. The beginning wasn’t very good, but once he started getting into the social scene, and living life, and realizing how much he missed his wife, it was much better.

If you can only have 2/3 of your movie be good, having it be the last 2/3 doesn’t hurt (but I think the first and last third are the best. Get em hooked, make em want to leave, then punch them in the face with awesome. That is what I always say). We can all agree that it is at least better than only the first 2/3 being good.

2 out of 4.

Like Crazy

Midst the bigger releases this week, I saw Like Crazy and was most curious about it. After all, the other ones were the previously reviewed (and hated) Immortals, a remake of Footloose, and the most hated movie of 2011, Jack and Jill.

Not that I am basing my opinion on a movie before watching it though. That’d be bad (and human). >.>

But yeah, Like Crazy, also featuring the words before it “I want you” “I need you” “I love you” and “I miss you”. Pretty neat, and yeah its an indie romance story.

Like Crazy
It also features some kissing. So kids 5-9 will not like it.

Anton Yelchin and Felicity Jones. The former, an American (hah) who likes to draw and design things. The former, a girl from Britain, on a student visa. Well they get infatuated with each other, go on a date, have some dirty American sex. He even meets her parents who come for a visit. But she decides to stay a bit longer over the summer, and they live together. Once she goes back for a few months for weddings and stuff, she plans on flying back to LA. Well. She can’t get through customs.

For overstaying her student visa, she is now, in fact, banned from entering the USA, even though she now has a tourist visa, and is sent back to London.
Well that sucks.

The movie is basically their relationship. It has, for the closest description, montages of their relationship. A lot of music and them doing things, or not doing things depending on where it is in the movie. It goes into a long distance thing, and then them seeing other people, trying to get rid of the ban. Then, marriage! Still doesn’t lift the ban. Then rifting apart, kind of living in both cities still, maybe also dating?

But what happens when the ban finally does lift? Can they live a normal life together?

Like Crazy Awkard
Or will it just be a constant awkward turtle?

The other members of this relationship are Jennifer Lawrence and Charlie Bewley, and involve even more awkward working relationships and possible proposals.

Some things you might ask yourself. Why doesn’t he just move to London? Yes. Why not. Because of course that’d be ridiculous. Trying to figure out how much each member are really into this relationship is hard to grasp. When they fight, it is of course pointless, but most fights are. But one of the reasons he doesn’t go is he gets a successful design business in LA that would be hard to start in London (cough).

The ending thankfully while kind of expected, also went a different route. I both loved and hated the ending, and wouldn’t want to spoil it. But it definitely was emotional, and uneasy feeling. However, I think it moved kind of slow during other parts of the movie, and felt like the relationship was forced at points. The chemistry was definitely there between the two main stars, and it felt real.

2 out of 4.

Valkyrie

Honestly, when I first heard about Valkyrie, I just assumed it was another fictional plot movie about people killing Hitler. But this time, the accents don’t exist, and Tom Cruise wears an eye patch!

AN EYE PATCH GUYS! What! Pirates up in this place, killing Hitler and the Nazis. Sounds wundebar.

Oh, it was a real thing and failed attempt to kill Hitler? Oh okay. My bad, history.

My b
I hope you will accept this crooked hat as a proper assurance of my badness.

Let me tell you know. They don’t succeed in killing Hitler. But you knew that. Hitler killed himself near the end of the war. Not via a plot of some German soldiers!

Movie begins with Tom Cruise looking normal. But thanks to an air strike, he loses an eye and his right hand.

Operation Valkyrie is a plan set in place involving using the reserve army to maintain order during a national emergency. They realize that if they can activate it, it might be a way to pull off a coop and get rid of the Nazi regime in Germany. But the only guy who can pull the button, won’t do a thing with Hitler still alive.

Alright, simple enough, kill Hitler, pull off the operation, end the war from the inside out. Boom!

Bill Nighy, Kenneth Branagh, and Tom Wilkinson are some of the officers involved in doing this stuff. Character names are hard, because they are all german and stuff. Except for Tom Cruise. He is supposed to be German, but talks like Tom Cruise.

A lot of the film is planning and setting up. Because a lot of time was spent in real life too. They do succeed in pulling off Operation Valkyrie, but did they successfully kill off Hitler? Nope. Of course not. So their plan probably won’t work. And it might mean pretty bad things.

Valkyrie
Like giving up their rare trading cards!

Movie was a lot better than I imagined. Actually bought this thing about a year ago but just…continued to never watch it. Gotta love that.

I wasn’t bugged by accents of course, but that was a big complaint people had years ago. The attempt was interesting, but not as straightforward as I would have liked. Or as action-y. Not sure why they devoted a whole movie to an act of failure. Successes must be running low, eh?

It was slow at times too, so I think they could have probably cut a lot of the movie out and still told the story correctly. It would have made it a better experience overall for me, at least.

2 out of 4.

The Hammer

The Hammer is another example of a movie with a lame cover. You will look at it and think, well nothing, because you will ignore it.

cOVER
Did you even realize I just posted the picture?

Pegged as a comedy, this movie stars Adam Carolla boxing. That doesn’t make sense in the real world, but lets give it a shot.

Adam is just supposed to be a normal guy. A long time ago he boxed, but never put in that much effort so never really got anywhere. Now he is a carpenter, been one for many years, but he just lost his job. Mostly cause his boss was a dick. So yeah, no job 40 year old with a broken down truck. But maybe he can box a little still?

While working out and sparring, he gets accepted to join a training program that is working on recruiting people for US Olympic boxing for 2008. Lot of tournaments and stuff. But why not take the 40 year old, because he is at least smart, and has at least a powerful punch. Tom Quinn tells him that he thinks he can go far and is going to train him, but is really just using him as a sparring partner for his real talent, Harold House Moore. Afterall, every great boxer had someone there with them to constantly fight and strive to be better than. Tom Quinn thinks he can pretend Adam has a chance, and also pay him nothing at the same time.

Adam also meets Heather Juergensen, a lawyer, in a self defense class he is teaching and they have quite an awkward relationship. ‘Nuff said.

The coach gives up on him, leaving him in the middle of a fight, figuring he’d lose the first round of his first tournament anyways. Using that fuel and feeling like he has done nothing his whole life, he wins all of his matches putting him in the finals with his sparring partner. But who will win their weight class and get a chance to go to the olympics?

woman
“I got punched out by an unruly client.”
“I’ve always said prostitution should be legalized.”
“I’m a lawyer…”

Despite it being a comedy it has a pretty “laid back humor” vibe to it. There are some amusing scenes, but most of it is just a natural story telling movie. Not overly knee slapping humor, but some nice moments. Carolla really feels like the average Joe, more so than Vince Vaughn did. A lot of carpentry jokes I might not have gotten, bu I don’t think it is necessary.

The story is also not that cliche’d. It has a nice happy ending to it, and it doesn’t follow that specific of a path. Hell, the boxing isn’t even the more exciting parts of the movie (until the end of course).

Overall, its okay. But I would have hoped for more humor.

2 out of 4.

The Quiet

Hooray! With the review of The Quiet, I finally get to have at least one review for every letter of the alphabet! To be fair, I thought this movie also came out in 2007. Damn it. I just really didn’t feel like watching The Queen (it is also outside of my range).

Pretty birds
Also the stars of this movie are bit more attractive than the star of The Queen.

The movie is told from the point of view of Dot, played by Camilla Belle. Why is she so quiet? Oh because she is deaf/mute. Sucks! She can read lips though. After her dad dies she goes to live with her godparents, Martin Donovan and Edie Falco, and their daughter, Elisha Cuthbert. How handy that they are around the same age!

Well no one cares about Dot at her new school. Cheerleaders make fun of her, including a younger Katy Mixon. Yet somehow, star football player Shawn Ashmore (of course, that is all he did in his roles) develops feelings towards her.

So whats the point of the movie? Oh, just some father/daughter rape plot line. Not just a one time thing, it is implied that it has been happening for years. The mom might know about it, explaining why she is on tons of pills and a zombie (not a real zombie). But what about Dot. Does she have her own secrets? Yes. Yes she does.

Flynn uncomfortable
Flynn gets uncomfortable when incest is involved.

Turns out people are horrible, dirty things. A lot of people in private love telling Dot their secrets when she can’t read their lips. Feels good to get things off their chest to someone when they cant understand/hear/know you are talking at all. Which is good for creepy monologues.

Lot of comparisons also to Beethoven in this movie, since Dot plays the piano. Kind of weird, but the deepness they tried to convey didn’t really happen.

Overall I was interested in the story. I think the movie went on a bit too long after a big climatic part. Always a drag, when they don’t know how to end a movie really. Took a little bit to actually get going too. Typical high school scenes abundant (a dance, school lunch seating problems, snoddy cheerleaders, a biology lab involving a dissection). Obviously Camilla Belle isn’t also deaf/mute, but she did a good job “not reacting” to things around her based off of noise.

Watch? Not watch? Do what you want. I will note I really thought the cover said Eliza Dushku. I think about 30 minutes in I realized that she wasn’t coming. Whoops.

2 out of 4.

Caffeine

Caffeine is now my oldest review (outside of Cars, but that was a special occasion. That message NEEDED to be said). But man, 2006? I didn’t know! I assumed it was 2007, I promise.

Caffeine
Don’t freak out. It won’t happen again.

This is a normal food service industry like movie. Except instead of just the workers, there are three groups of tables that also have fleshed out stories throughout the brunch hour. Thankfully it isn’t the whole day of the restaurant. So unrealistic!

The manager (Marsha Thomason) is trying to get a cushy job at a fancy restaurant, but they are coming to see her shop today. So of course she also fires her only cook, because they were dating and he had a threesome with two other girls.

At the same time we have Mena Suvari, with her crazy grandmother to care for, Breckin Meyer, too busy wondering if his existential novel will be published, and Mark Pellegrino (Jacob from Lost), who seems to be the only one really working.

For the tables, we have a group of lawyers, some potheads, a woman who may be a pornstar in secret (Sonya Walger, Penny from Lost) and the wost paired blind date ever, which includes Katherine Heigl. What is best about their stories is that they are actually incorporated with the staff and other customers stories, and all given proper conclusions, in the span of 80some minutes.

Even with those better stories, there are also a few customers there just for one scene.

Caffeine Sonya
It is super hard to find images from this movie.

Best movie ever? Far from it. Was it entertaining? Sure!

I didn’t regret or hate watching it. But it does feel short. Some of the story lines weren’t as good as the others, and the ending was predictable. Some also lame joke scenes. If you had to compare this to the humor in something like Waiting…, Waiting… is vastly superior (and older), but doesn’t mean this one is bad. Just means it is okay.

Also, people who aren’t British are doing British accents. I am still okay with this.

2 out of 4.

Beneath The Darkness

Oh snap, Beneath The Darkness, that sounds scary right? Seems like something that would fill me with fear, because there might be something else afoot, outside of the normal murder shit going on. Like ghosts? Double fear. Who doesn’t want that?

But there is no double fear. Just normal fear, that of which is not too scary. Damn it!

(And by damn it, I mean woo. I hate being scared).

Beneath The Darkness
Unless of course you don’t like the idea of digging your own grave and being buried alive.

Here is the basic premise. Dennis Quaid is a mortician, and thus has a creep factor going on. But when his wife dies (not in movie) he begins to stay at home more and more, yet still a respected member of the community. The actual first scene shows him going on a run and meeting a neighbor. He then takes said neighbor to a graveyard (with his gun), makes him dig up that grave, open the coffin, and hey look, it is empty. He pushes him in, locks the lid, and buries him. Okay, so yeah, Dennis Quaid is the bad guy!

Then we switch the movie to the group of teens and its stays there for awhile. The main character, Tony Oller, believes in ghosts. His sister died like, 10 years earlier, and he thought he saw a ghost over her bed. He also is the gardener for Quaid, so he and the others get the idea to go into his house at night, just to try and find ghosts.

But what they don’t find is ghosts. No, they find out that Quaid might actually be some crazy killer, and he is all like “Ahh!”. He ends up killing one of them, because they “accidentally fall down the stairs” and he is free to go, because hey. Respectable member of the community, and the others were breaking and entering!

Now Tony and his not girlfriend but maybe, Aimee Teegarden, and another friend want to try to prove that he is a murderer, and it wasn’t an accident. But the detective, Brett Cullen, can’t believe that without evidence. So yeah. Rest of the movie is trying to prove it, breaking and entering in more than one occasion, and a lot more funeral/buried alive talk.

Spider pig
Inappropriate picture, or a joke I haven’t made yet?

Obviously the movie doesn’t sound scary at all, just kind of suspenseful. Sure some people might die, like the nerd in the first scene, but not much. Really what it is, is a movie trying to figure out why he is doing the things. They give a reason, it is just bad. More or less, he is crazy. They try to compare it to some literature too, like the Tell-Tale Heart, but that doesn’t work too well either.

I think the only reason I am giving this a passable grade is because of Dennis Quaid. He hammed that role up, and it made it enjoyable, if not silly. Yes, I showed a pig picture, because I wanted to say “Hammed”. So damn hammy. The final scene the fourth wall is even broke, and unnecessarily.

Its an okay teen scary movie, but one that will also be forgettable in a few years.

2 out of 4.

Prince Of Persia: The Sands Of Time

There was a moment in my life, probably January of 2009 or so. I found an image on the internet, and laughed for three days. This image isn’t as funny anymore, but it was the first poster / image about Prince of Persia: The Sands Of Time movie, starring Jake Gyllenhaal.

POP
Three. Days. Of Laughing.

Seriously, somehow that was the funniest thing I had ever seen. I loved the PoP games for the last generation of consoles, and don’t even hate Jake G. Yet somehow, that image was so unbelievable it just made me giddy. I didn’t hate it, I just couldn’t stop laughing either.

I did go watch it in theaters as soon as I could, but only now finally got to watch it on Blu-Ray.

The movie is based on the games but not any in particular, keeping somewhat with the same mythos. Jake plays said Prince, Dastan, but he isn’t royal blood. He was adopted by the King, and therefore has some cool brothers! Tus (Richard Coyle), the oldest and strongest, and Garsiv (Toby Kebbell), the smart one. That lets Dastan be the sneaky and very dex based one!

According to their uncle (Ben Kingsley) a rival (normally peaceful) nation is producing a lot o weapons, and plans to attack. So they march on over, Tus in charge, to take em down. Hey look, hot princess (Gemma Arterton) is super confused about it all, but arrested. The king gets assassinated by a poisoned cloak (go with it), presented by Dastan so he also gets blamed for the murder!

He quickly flees from the castle, along with the princess and her kick ass dagger. After she tries to kill him and escape he realizes that the holder of the dagger can go back in time! Assuming it has some special sands of time in it. Hells yeah. He also finds out that of COURSE the uncle planned on killing the king. He also faked the info from the spies to get them to take over the city, just to get the dagger and go back in time to rule the kingdom himself!

So they must go back to the kingdom, without you know, dying or being caught, convince his older brother of the time traveling truth / shenanigans, and maybe protect the world. Maybe. But if he goes back in time all the way, can he get the girl?!?

Pop Wet
If he can keep her that wet in the dry desert, then probably.

Elements from a bunch of the Prince of Persia games can be found in here, including just running up walls and areas that just feel puzzle-ish. But then of course there is a lot not like it, but hey, it works in this universe. The games all tell different stories, so why not this one. The dagger also pretty much works like the first one did in the movie, just sand is much harder to come across in the movie. Magical sand, asshole.

I was disappointed with the graphics in Blu-Ray, didn’t feel top notch for me, so didn’t think there was that big of a difference. Good effects for what they were going for. How many people watched this didn’t think their way of showing going back in time was cool? I did. And there was appropriate amounts of comic relief too.

But also a lot more death than I would have figured. For a Disney movie, I was worried they’d just knock everyone out, and the bad guy would go to prison. Thankfully they are more true to the rugged life than that, and didn’t feel like it was “for kids” completely.

2 out of 4.

Puss In Boots

Hooray, CGI movies about cats and swords!

As you probably already know, Puss In Boots is a prequel to the Shrek tales, but has nothing to do with Shrek. Just…Puss In Boots and how he got those boots.

Errm egg
And you know, uhh…Other tales.

Antonio Banderas reprises his role as the sword swinging feline. He is wanted for petty crimes, but bitches can’t catch him. He wants to steal a big prize, but not from old people or children or anything. That is when they let him know about…the magic beans.

Jack and Jill (Billy Bob Thornton and Amy Sedaris) have found the beans and plan to plant them. Why? Because beanstalks, that’s fucking why! They want to go to the land of the giants, who are long dead, and get some of that golden goose/egg stuff.

But when he is about to steal them…another cat! Who I want to call Batcat but is apparently Kitty Softpaws (Salma Hayek). They have to fight over getting to the beans and both fail. Lots of fighting / dancing later, we also get to find Humpty Dumpty (Zach Galifianakis) an old character from [I don’t know how to grammatically say this right, and it feels awkward] Pusses past. He wont have any of it and storm off.

But eventually forgiveness happen, and the three set off to get the magic beans, go up the beanstalk, and become rich and help the poor!

Softpaws. Mmm.
This also tells the tale of creatures addicted to ‘Leche’

There are some other fairy tale things in here, but I don’t want to give them away. Overall, I could say it was a very decent movie. But I had some problems with it.

Flashbacks. Part of that word is flash, making me think at least it shouldn’t be a long thing. Well the flashbacks in the movie were incredibly long. We hear the whole story of his birth, meeting Humpty, becoming friends, and eventually not being friends. All in one ridiculously long flashback. Bah. It is already a prequel. Might as well tell that shit in a better order. Because that long portion was boring as crap.

I also felt a bit disappointed by the main story. I think they could have done something more epic than the search for magic beans / golden geese. Maybe the large desert portions also took away a bit from the nice CGI that went into the movie. When you have excellent CGI, you don’t want it to be a sexy desert.

Overall I thought it was decent, but man. A rollercoaster in terms of interesting plots.

2 out of 4.

Death At A Funeral(s)

Plural? Yes.

I watched Death at a Funeral (British version) the other day, and I realized I wanted to see Death at a Funeral (American version) as well. Obviously the British one came first, but I figured they’d be different enough with the same general plot to do two reviews, but no. They pretty much are the same. Some different jokes, but all the same stuff happens. SO ONE SUPER REVIEW (that counts as two, damn it). Also probably my record for most tags. Two ensemble movies in one. Hooray!

Naked Alan Tudyk
And why not start it off with a naked Alan Tudyk on a roof?

So in both movies, the patriarch of the family dies. The main guy (Chris Rock, Matthew Macfadyen) lived with his folks and is an inspiring writer, which is bad because his slightly younger brother (Martin Lawrence, Rupert Graves) already has made a best seller. Jealousy!

We also have their cousin (Zoe Saldana, Daisy Donovan) is bringing her new fiance to the funeral, hoping her own dad will approve of him. This makes the fiance (Alan Tudyk, James Marsden) nervous, and he takes some Vallium to calm down. But it really isn’t Vallium. Her ex is also there (and trying to win her back…Luke Wilson, Ewen Bremner), now a friend of the family, along with another friend of the family (Tracy Morgan, Andy Nyman) who has the unfortunate job of looking out for the wheel chaired uncle (Danny Glover, Peter Vaughan).

Got all that? Too bad. A few problems go wrong, delaying the actual ceremony, which is perfect for the real main plotline. The midget who no one knows turns out to be the secret gay lover of their dad (Peter Dinklage, Peter Dinklage) with picture proof, and threatens to show everyone unless he gets a nice sum since he was left off of the will. Yes blackmail, and midgets.

I am sure I tagged some people and didn’t mention them. Honestly I lost track. Here is Loretta Devine, who you would have guessed was in the American version without looking it up probably.

Naked White Guys
Somehow, both of these actors naked on a roof was the easiest “same scene” from both movies to find.

So, these movies both feature large ensemble casts, with a few different plot lines so that they can all build up and get crazy by the end of the movie.

But which is better? I have heard from multiple sources that they think the British version is WAY better than the American. They also said this before watching the American though. After watching both though I find that…well they are both okay. I didn’t find one vastly superior to the other. Honestly, I probably would have been fine with either of them if only one of them had to exist!

So watch whatever version you choose, knowing full well that if you choose the British one for any other reason than it being the original, then you are probably a racist.

2 out of 4. (British)
2 out of 4. (American)