Tag: 1 out of 4

The easiest way to describe Land of the Lost is that it is nothing like the TV Show Land Of The Lost. Going in, I expected it to be very similar, in terms of characters, rough plot, etc, but instead all that really happened were the obligatory shout out references to the old show, without taking anything really that deep. But what else would you expect? That is an old show, and this is a new movie!

And all new experiences are exciting experiences.

Will Ferrell is a scientist who believes in different alternative dimensions, and people make fun of him. After a few years of “laying low” another doctor, Anna Friel has some more information to test his theory! She found a fossil with a cigarette lighter imprint. They go to get readings at this lame water raft ride lead by slacker Danny McBride where she found the fossil. Somehow, though, it opens a portal to a different land! Ahh dinosaur!

They meet Cha’ka (Jorma Taccone), a monkey hybrid thing. After more dinosaur trouble, they run into the Sleestaks, weird lizard people. The one they meet says the others are trying to take over the world. So they help him. Lalala adventures, dinosaurs, mosquitos, drug like fruit, and betrayal. Eventually they get back though, and all is right.

Well. All is right in the movie. But the movie still exists, so real world-wise it is not all right.

I guess I can start with the positives! This movie is a lot more risque than I thought there would be. With a long drug scene, and experimentation, and other sexual jokes, I realize now why it got PG-13. Danny McBride wanted to be himself, and they let him push the limits. His final scene too was pretty shocking. Technically not a kids movie!

But they still tried to make it way too kiddy. The CGI is horrible, very low budget, the plot was weak and boring. And overall it just was not satisfying. Just a mess on the screen, and every once and awhile a chuckle (but is it out of humor, or thinking “Oh they said that in a kids shoW!”? We will never know.)

I think everyone knows about Apollo 18 by now. A “Shaky cam” and “security cam” based movie. Of what? Of the Apollo 18 mission that was “canceled”, due to budget reasons.

Or was it?

U-S-A! U-S-A! U-S-A!

So of course in this movie, it wasn’t canceled, just kept secret. Why? Because shit goes down that they want to keep secret. And no, they don’t find any old transformers.

One guy has to stay up in orbit (Ryan Robbins) and the other two are on the moon (Warren Christie and Lloyd Owen).

They just have to collect some rocks? But then things go missing, they get scared, and paranoid, and it is all captured as they try to escape and fail. Yay.

I thought the beginning was super super slow. Really, I didn’t think it got interesting until the very end, then of course it ended. Making it very disappointing. The geologist in me is also displeased though.

Also, this guy.

This is supposed to have been edited down from 86~ hours of footage, over many many devices, and posted onto a fake website. (The website didn’t work for me. That is dumb…) And then made into this movie so everyone could get the truth.

Well if that was the case too, it would have worked better as a 10 minute thing, and not intentionally using the bad camera angles available. Don’t give me this “so the public can know!” message, and then try to make a (non scary) horror movie as the message conveyance. Would have rather had that explanation not as part of it.

The Pool Boys is a low budget attempt to provide, well, nothing. First look makes it seem like it wants to be a National Lampoon movie, selling sex and comedy. Maybe some stoner jokes too! But this fails at the comedy and sex part as well. Relying on the situation they are in to sell everything, I guess.

Shenanigans!

The movie is about Brett Davern, as he is abotu to graduate from High School. He is going to Harvard, and got a pretty neat scholarship. Just requires a summer internship and interview before he fully gets it. Too bad his internship in DC turns out to be a bust, company is going under.

But no worries! His brother, Matthew Lillard, is an aquatic specialist of some sort. Yes, it is a lie, he is just a pool boy in Beverly Hills. The apartment they are staying at is getting fumigated for about a week or more, leaving them homeless. A client is out of the country for six weeks though, so boom, House.

They also bring Rachelle Lefevre, a neighbor, who turns out to be a prostitute. Whoops. Eventually a money scheme is grabbed out, to rent out the mansion to a lot of prostitutes, to get Harvard tuition should the scholarship fail.

Eventually things go wrong, but eventually are fixed. Yay happy endings. Pedro from Napoleon Dynamite plays a neighbor gardener, and Tom Arnold plays himself. Just crazier.

Arnold is the only funny part of the movie really, and that is barely. Jokes don’t work, and it barely has nudity in to, which seems to be a bigger selling point of these kind of movies.

Hah. I can’t think of really anything else to say about this.

Thanks to Wall-E, people realized that all “kids movies” didn’t have to be dumbed down or feature only “lesser” humor. But guess what? Those movies are the easiest to make. Not in terms of work on CGI and what not, that can take forever, yes. But in terms of an interesting plot or comedy? Don’t even have to try. Afterall kids, are easy to amuse and if anyone grades you too harsh you can say “Hay! This isn’t meant for you adult! Get away!” and be done with it.

And then sell more toys. Or lawn Gnomes.

Or whatever lawn ornaments people don’t seem to care about anymore!

The Gnomeo and Juliet plot I shouldn’t have to go over, but here it is quickly. Instead of neighboring families, it is just two neighbors. Who live in a duplex like thing, but they dislike each other. Yes, their last names are the expected ones, and one really likes red, one really likes blue. They also both have a shit ton of color appropriate gnomes and etc on their lawn. I assume that their dislike makes them have a competition with each other over who can have the most ridiculous shit.

Gnomeo (James McAvoy) and Juliet (Emily Blunt) eventually find each other, in a neighboring abandoned property. Also there is a flamingo (Jim Cummings) there. BUT WHY MUST THEIR HATS BE DIFFERENT COLORS. We also have Michael Caine as head of the Reds, and Jason Statham as Tybalt. Patrick Stewart voices William Shakespeare. Because of course he is in this movie.

Also, hopefully you like Elton John, because he is an executive producer, which means that the only music in this movie is his. The orchestra versions of Crocodile Rock and Saturday Night’s All Right For Fighting threw me off at first. But it was worse when it was his same songs, but with lyrics changed for the movie.

There are a few other subtle hints at his involvement.

Obviously the story is nothing new, and ends differently for the kids. Here is where I overthink things. In this vague world, inanimate objects can talk. Even a statue thats hundreds of years old. But so can the toys, like that doll. But why not the chair? Or laptop? They are also inanimate objects, and probably even more advanced than just…pottery pot like lawn gnomes. Where is the line drawn, filmmakers? Exactly. There is no line.

But yeah. You expected this rating anyways.

Revenge of the Bridesmaids is another movie I thought I would ever watch. I noticed it before, but usually just in disdain. Mostly because it seemed to come out when Bridesmaids came to Theaters, to try and build off that Success. A live action example of Chop-Kick Panda, if you will. But damn it, someone requested a review, and a review there will be!

Wooo. Movies.

Raven and JoAnna Garcia are friends! They also have two other friends, Chyrssie Whitehead and Virginia Williams. The last one there is rich and wonderful. Lives in a mansion! All of the friends used to play as they went to school or something. She was spoiled though, because she was rich, so she might have been ruder. Raven and JoAnna left that town and moved to NYC to become a writer and an actress. But they come back, and surprise, spoiled brat is getting married!

They hate her now, and surely they would just decline and not go. But the groom? The groom is their other friends former long term lover! Whats up with that?! So they want to get to the bottom of it. Eventually they decide (like action movies?) they need to infiltrate the area, become bridesmaids, and try to ruin the wedding. For their real friend. Shenanigans!

So, while watching this movie I got suspicious. Something else was not right with it. The camera work was dreadful, reminded me of day time soap opera during parts of it. Clearly a rushed thing sure. But something else bugged me. Once I noticed there was weird transitions involving fading out and a new scene? I figured it out. This is a damn made for TV movie, ABC family or something. Arggggh! And it shows. I mean, made for TV movies don’t have to be bad. Lifetime and ABC Family just give them a bad name. Other networks had made decent ones, but this is not one.

I thought the acting was pretty bad, as was all of the “schemes”. Type of stuff that is only done in bad sitcoms, or, well yeah, made for tv movies. Damn it again.

The morals of the movie aren’t the best either. The guy in question seems like kind of a douche, and is a bad guy for the two girls to be chasing after. Similarly, the daughter wasn’t too bad. She was spoiled, and thus kind of bossy. The movie made it clear that it was probably thanks to her mom, played by Beth Broderick, that she is the way she is. But punished for her upbringing she is anyways. It then ended with a “happy ending” where somehow it worked out well for the not rich three girls. Oh joy.

Unfortunately I wasn’t able to find this picture on Google by just searching “Douches”.

1 out of 4.

When you see the cover for Takers, you probably go “Hey! I know some of these people! It must be good!” To be fair, some of the people are known for being in some decent, and some bad movies. We have Idris Elba, Hayden Christensen, and Matt Dillon, who at least classify as actors. Then Michael Ealy who would be a lot less know, along with Zoe Saldana who people are only starting to recognize.

But then you see Chris Brown and T.I. YES! If you love their music, you will love their acting! I guess that is the idea.

I am probably just upset that 50 Cent didn’t get the call.

Lets see! It’s hard to really put a finger on what I didn’t like about this movie. Mostly because my finger isn’t big enough to hit everything at once.

Dillon and some other guy are investigating a very well done bank Robbery. Done by all the guys listed above, but not T.I. or Zoe. Why not T.I.?! (Boom, all 3 “endings in a row). Because he was in prison! From five years ago, he got caught while the rest got away. Thankfully he ain’t a snitch. But he does come back after that bank robbery, when everyone is happy, with a new mission right away. In five days.

Seems legit, if not rushed. Russians are involved, just an armored car thing. Some people don’t like it (so soon!) and what not. But it happens. And then. Betrayal. (WHO SAW THAT COMING?)

But yeah. A lot of movie happens before the heist, and then the heist actually takes some time. But after the heist, when backstabbing may occur, I think it is only in the last 20 minutes. I think a lot of the “pre-heist” stuff is just super slow, and not well done at all. The actual heist? It was kind of cool. I will give you that. Even with the fuckups. But I had so little interest in the rest of the story, it was crazy.

But not as crazy as the fear in his eyes there. Man up!

So uhh yeah. I would rather watch Armored again than this.

Possibly the most hyped movie that is coming out this week (Versus things like Warrior, Dolphin Tale, and Margin Call), Colombiana seems to be about one thing. Money.

And how to get more of their monies.

The movie starts in, you guessed it, Colombia. Guy runs into his house, people are coming for him! So he gives some things to his little girl, letting her know to not give up the item, and some other instructions. They die, right in front of her, yet she doesn’t run and hide. Instead she eventually escapes, despite being like, 7 or something. She then makes her way to Chicago, from Colombia, and finds some uncle, Cliff Curtis, who takes her in and just seems to “know”. She demands that he trains her to be a killer.

FIFTEEN YEARS LATER. In 2007. Zoe Saldana now gets to be in the movie. Get to see her be all sneaky assassin like person, breaking and entering into a prison just to kill someone. Whattabitch. She is doing this to try and get the guy who killed her parents to take notice and come to the US. You know, because the guy she killed was important to him. While doing this, she has a boyfriend who knows nothing, and the FBI are on her tail lead by Lennie James to stop her. Guy sends another assassin after her, Jordi Molla. People die, trust is betrayed, and Zoe exists.

I found watching this movie to be pretty ridiculous. Thankfully she wasn’t fighting toe to toe with everyone, or else it would have made me hate it more. Zoe is VERY small, and can only suspend belief so much. I think she really only does that once, and most of her kills are secrets / from behind. (Aka, without Honor? But this isn’t Ancient China or Revolutionary War or whatever).

But what really bugged me is the bad acting, bad plot, and gratuitous T&A scenes. It probably has one of the more pointless “Hey lets get our main star in a shower” scenes, that even shows a nipple, which is generally “no no” for a PG-13 movie.

Alright, I didn’t expect to see this picture available. But hey, there ya go.

Maybe. Just maybe this movie is secretly parodying other “action movies with women” in them. But no one knows it is a parody? Maybe. That is the only way to explain the amount of times that she gets naked, how awkward the dialogue is, and how robotic it all feels. Fights scenes don’t even look natural, just extremely choreographed. She doesn’t have any special powers or anything, its just training from an uncle.

But to me, this just doesn’t work at all.

BUTCH CASSIDY IS STILL ALIVE.

Well. Not now. But in this movie. He didn’t die in a shootout with the Sundance Kid in Bolivia. Why? Because apparently they dug up his remains and couldn’t find the body. Time for a fictionalized account of his life after and when he is old and calling himself Blackthorn in Bolivia, woo!

Woo!

The story is mostly about Butch trying to get home. He is now an older man, played by Sam Shepard, and wants to return to his family. He has never seen his son/nephew before (whichever it was), and has only wrote some letters. But damn it, he needs to get there. So he takes all of his money and sets out from Boliva to the America.

Shortly after, he loses his horse and his belongings though, thanks to some runaway criminal Eduardo Noriega. The only reason he doesn’t kill him on the spot is because he tells him that he has a stowaway of cash, and will share it with Butch should he help him get there. You know, while also avoiding the law who is trying to catch him. Also avoiding dying.

But besides that story, there is also flash backs of Butch after the “shootout”, and how he got to where he is today. But they are all kind of short and generally pointless. The more interesting story is his attempt at redemption and trying to get home as an old guy. Dude can still shoot, but you know, he is old.

So the movie is pretty slow. It is obviously going for a emotional thing, and not a traditional western. But outside of Shepard, no one else was that exceptional. Anyone could have played the bandit role.

Speaking Spanish would help though.

Overall, the movie was only slightly interesting to me. Really didn’t get a lot out of it. Made me thirsty though, with all of that sand.

A TRILOGY!?

That is what I exclaimed, earlier today. I knew that someone was doing Atlas Shrugged into a movie, but when I saw Part 1 was out (and didn’t know it was out yet, wow), I just assumed it was two parts. But three?!

Well. Maybe. Apparently the movie tanked. I am not even sure if the second one has begun production. Apparently the director said he’d only do it if the first one made enough to finance the second.

An important scene in the movie. Riveting.

Yes, I have never read the book. So lets see if I get the plot correctly. This is sometime in the future (2016?) and oil is scare and expensive. Like, $40 a gallon. So people take trains a lot more now. In Colorado, there is only one train company left and even it is falling apart. Fun by the Taggarts, (Matthew Marsden and Taylor Schilling, our hero).

People keep disappearing. Some after quitting highly lucrative jobs, despite the payment they would be receiving. They ask “Who is John Galt”, which is a question that is not worth the time to find an answer, or something. They later invest in a new type of steel for their tracks, which turns out to be successful. But then uhh. More shit happens? Dagny Taggart sleeps with some Henry Reardon guy (Grant Bowler) and they discover a new engine that will make their trains even more kick ass.

Then uhh. Some more laws are passed. And an oil field is on fire. Also, Patrick Fischler is in this movie.

But yeah. Then the movie ends. I can say that the ending definitely is the height of the climax, but that heightened sense of danger or excitement is missing throughout the rest of the movie.

Maybe I didn’t get it. In fact, that is probably true. Someone who has read the book is probably typing furiously at how dumb I am. But maybe the movie requires you to have read the book to understand what is going on?

It doesn’t help that this movie is only 1/3 of the actual story, and I have no idea where it is going. I do know that there is a community of people with certain ideals. And John Galt is real.

I also know this movie was lame.

Here is a picture of 50 Cent!

This is the 250th movie review! Which means more Twilight action, and more pictures.

Twilight: Eclipse is the third movie/book, behind Twilight and Twilight: New Moon.

Let us start with the important things first!

Anna Kendrick is barely in this movie again. Why is she even agreeing to do this? She was in an early lunch scene, to show that they are still in school? Then Valedictorian speech at graduation, and quick hey lets party, at the after party.

Here is what appears to be a photo Kendrick leaving the set from a stalker. Probably did all of her scenes in one day, so this is rare.

So what happens in this movie? First off, it turns out that red head bitch from the first and second movie (who I thought died in the second movie!) isn’t dead yet and /still/ causing problems. Really? Not only that, but it took me awhile to realize it was the same one, because a different actress was brought in. (Further research had me find out that Twilight fans were mad at the change, thinking the new person couldn’t do it as good as the last person. You know, the character who I easily ignored in the first two movies. What?).

“I’m important, notice me!”

This movie also gave you all the back story you didn’t know you wanted. I think at least two vampires told their “and then I became a vampire” tales. Additionally, with the “Were”wolves, we got to hear a story about how they started to hate vampires.

A sexy story told over a sexy campfire.

But yeah! Turns out red headed chick is making a small army of “firstyear” vampires in order to kill Bella. She is super mad about things from awhile ago. Apparently first year vampires are the worst. They are all, rawr, and shit. So they are more dangerous than actual vampires that are badass? Weird. So Kristen Stewart doesn’t like that. Thankfully, both Edward Cullen and Jacob Black want to protect her, so they join forces to train how to kill vampires. Very weird thing to train a mortal enemy, but hey. It is BELLA guys.

No one even wears a red shirt for the training.

So yeah. In other dramatic news. Edward keeps asking Bella to marry him. She keeps saying “make me a vampire first”. It is like Paradise by the Dashboard Lights all over again, but a role reversal. Bella is all fine living her whole life with him, but doesn’t want to “marry young” or else she will be a slut, or pregnant, or something. Her mom did it, and she doesn’t want too. Does that mean Bella is willing to risk turning into a vampire and leaving Edward? Maybe. There is after all…Jacob!

Who she also loves. But not as much. So the point is moot. Doesn’t stop a hot (and weird) tent scene, where Jacob has to warm her up because it is cold, and Edward cannot. Thankfully, the bros bond over the moment.

This is not an actual scene from the movie. But if it was, that’d be fucked up.

But Jacob is a dick and says he will still fight over Bella until she makes up her mind. Oh well. Even gets an awesome kiss out of it, making Edward mad. Bella is a bitch, really. Eventually, red headed chick finds Bella. But Jacob/Edward kills her and save Bella. (She turns to stone at death? And it was a lot easier death than the guy from the first movie. Hell, all the vampires were. WTF?).

But then the weird group from the other movie show up late to fix the problem. Didn’t even realize it was Dakota Fanning from New Moon. Oh well, as far as I can tell, they still have little point. They enforce rules I guess? Probably the final villains.

How could I miss that?? She even has the same red eyes.

So the movie ends where I thought we were at the end of the second. With the red headed chick dead, and Bella choosing Edward. But this time agreeing to marry him, then sex, then vampirism. Weird order, but alright. I would definitely choose vampire before sex. I wouldn’t say Sex with Edward would cause problems, but man, if he is dead / has no blood flow, how can he get it up? Also, it would probably fuck up your child somehow.

Thankfully this movie didn’t have long boring parts like the second. But instead of half of it feeling like it didn’t need to exist, it felt like most of it didn’t need to exist. I think the next movie will start right where I thought the second one ended.

But I will be disappointed, because now that high school is over, they have no real ways to fit Anna Kendrick into any more screen time.