Setup

Damn it. WHY DAMN IT. I TRUSTED YOU BRUCE WILLIS.

Die Hard 2
Well. 95% Trust.

This is a pretty misleading movie, in my opinion. Heist like movie, something goes wrong, and people die. People may be Setup, even. (Okay, so yes a Heist goes wrong early on. They are setup. 50 cent gets mad and kills a bunch of people. Plot).

I am going to blame this all on 50 Cent. Because seriously. Bruce Willis was top billed in this movie, but he was barely in it. Ryan Phillippe, played a major roll. It just also sucked in this movie.

But damn it, Ryan was just in The Lincoln Lawyer. The pedo from Cruel Intentions. And he brought little to the movie. But I was excited because I thought that this may be a great movie with 50 cent in it, unlike the many before. 50 cents character I didn’t find exciting. They tried to bring in some sort of moral or religious dilemma, but I didn’t feel it. And a lot of people died. Just got tired of it though, nothing was that surprising.

Cruel Intentions and Director
This isn’t Ryan Phillipe being a pedophile, just awkward kinky sister stuff.

1 out of 4.

Rango

You all already know this movie. Johnny Depp! Lizard named Rango! Nickelodeon movie!

After viewing it, I think this could be Nickelodeon’s third best movie. I haven’t seen Spiderwick Chronicles yet, so maybe it’s 4th. Number 2 is Harriet the Spy, and number 1 of course is Good Burger.

Good BUrger Listen Food
Some friendships transcends the film they are displayed in.

While not the funniest movie, it was definitely interesting. It had quite a few references to other movies, which was nice. Obviously it would have a Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas reference, and it came sooner than I thought. I am surprised that it was a kids movie at all, as a lot of jokes and references would throw over a child’s head (of course making it better for parents / adults who watch kid movies. What?)

I was afraid somehow it would be an ending like Happy Feet. “Fuck! Its all the humans fault!” but it didn’t go down the bullshit environmental route, which is great. I don’t think that is a spoiler. (I feel like that in movies with animals talking and in their own worlds, having humans be the cure or cause at the end is kind of like saying “oh, aliens!”). Also, watching this movie on blu-ray was fantastic. Very visually stunning, and blu-ray made it all pop.

Pop Pop Magnitude

3 out of 4.

Going The Distance

Weee, another RomCom. This one is pretty similar to No Strings Attached, except the two main costars are not as big as the two in NSA right now. That being an acronym for the other movie, not the government organization.

John Casey
But wouldn’t all movies be better with John Casey?

Both of these R rated RomComs have a lot of raunchy sex humor, but GTD came first. I actually liked GTD more than NSA. I laughed a lot more, and found it a lot more believable.

In Going the Distance, Justin Long is tired of serious stuff. It keeps blowing up in his face. But as a rebound he falls for Drew Barrymore, who is leaving NYC in a month or so. So she says nothing serious. Just some sexytime. Once she goes back to California they decided to try the long distance thing and hey, maybe one of them would move eventually and change jobs. I guess?

So some awkward visits back and forth, arguing about jawbs, an what not. Also more and more sexytime.

Going The Distance of course meant both in terms of a long distance relationship, and having a relationship that can go to that next level. As usual, the supporting actors/actresses really make the movie. They are there for comedy and that is it so they should get some of the better scenes. Charlie from It’s Always Sunny, Jason Sudeikis was pretty strong as “friend with intense mustache.” Also Drew Barrymore gets a friend, Christina Applegate. Pretty much the whole mustache storyline is worth admission alone. The only real bad thing in it is Drew Barrymore’s weird face. You know, when she like does the disgusted/panic look. I don’t like that face.

Drew Barrymore Mouth
I am apparently not the only one to notice her mouth. ALSO. I just noticed her name. DREW? What the fuck?

3 out of 4.

Paper Man

Paper Man is a pretty weird movie. That becomes obvious if you have seen the cover. Let me help you.

image

Ryan Reynolds as a super hero maybe? (Is he called Paper Man? (Nope, Captain Excellent)) Jeff Daniels, not being in Dumb and Dumber? Lisa Kudrow, not in Friends? And wait, EMMA STONE? SHE IS IN THIS MOVIE? I would have probably bought this on that fact alone (you know, if I thought this was worth buying). All the times I walked by this movie, I could only see Ryan Reynolds, sitting there being bored. Never noticed it was Emma Stone, since she looks a bit different on the cover.

This is a serious story. Not a comedy! Jeff and Lisa are married, yet not doing well. Jeff is having a midlife crisis. Another author who never writes anymore. He actually sees make believe people, aka, Ryan Reynolds. Emma Stone is real, just some underage girl who lives near his cabin, who he gets to babysit his kids. (He has no kids. Pedo, pedo).

pedobear
This isn’t really a joke, just a fact.

Somewhat comedic, but I didn’t really laugh. Jeff may or may not be trying to get it on with Emma Stone (as those are the only two options?). You see him deal with his crisis, and slowly seem to drift further and further from Lisa Kudrow. Also of course, Ryan fucking Reynolds wearing tights. Probably good for at least one watch, but it missed out on perfection by not having the strongest emotional ties behind it.

2 out of 4.

The Taking Of Pelham 1-2-3

You have to ask yourself. In the URL, why is there not double dashes between the 1/2/3 given my title? The world may never know. The Taking Of Pelham 1-2-3 is more or less your typical negotiator + pseudo terrorist hostage situation movie. Of course the negotiator is not trained in negotiating, that way the bad guy wont have mind games played on them. But here is a different twist. This hostage situation takes place underground.


Damn it. Not like that, you hipsters.

By underground, I mean they took a part of a subway in NYC, and have themselves sealed underground where cell phones don’t work in one or two cars (You know, movies have to explain the cell phone stuff now in bad situations). John Travolta plays Crazy McCrazy, wanting 10 million within an hour or people die. People dieing sucks!

But thankfully Denzel Washington is now just working at a station, making sure trains are on time. Like Italy. And because he is the first person to communicate with Travolta, that is the only person he trusts. Basic hostage situation stuff happens, but this time the overall escape with the money scene afterwards seems to take a long time. Normally that is only a short bit of the film, but this thing is planned out and detailed. I found the escape the most boring part of the film. I kind of got lost with it too, as it involved tunnels and other ways of hiding. Since they no longer had hostages, it is kind of just like an action crime movie at the end (if you call Denzel a cop (he isn’t). In case you cannot tell, the ending was pretty meh to me. That makes the overall movie just okay, not great.

There was interesting dialogue too in the movie. When you find out Denzel’s secrets it gets super awkward, and thus interesting. Also, not sure if they answered how a dude got internet underground like that, nor do I think it lead anywhere either.

2 out of 4.

Thor

THORRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR!

Thor comes with an all-star cast, thanks to it being such a big picture. So I might as well get it out of the way. The titular character is played by Chris Hemsworth, because the director really liked his 10 minutes in Star Trek at the beginning. Natalie Portman is an Arizona scientist studying space rifts, with Kat Dennings as an assistant. Tom Hiddleston plays Loki, brother of Thor, and Anthony Hopkins plays Odin, father of the two. Lastly, Idris Elba plays the bad ass gatekeeper Heimdall. Get all that? Good.

THORRRRRRR
THORRRRRR. Wait. This looks like the sword in the stone?

I really don’t want to describe the plot of the movie, but I guess I have to. Thor loses all his power and gets sent back to earth. He is weak and a human, and has to learn to be a true hero before he can be accepted as a god again. Okay, part of that may be from the Disney Hercules movie, but who is to really say if you haven’t seen Thor yet? Similarly, if you have, you shouldn’t care. Because Thor is great. Watching it reminded me of the first time I saw Iron Man or Hellboy II. It had humor, action, great story and effects, and just great everything. The SHIELD agent from the films is getting a bigger role in this movie.

One of the hardest proms is relating with Thor. Dude is a god. Generally he has powers. When he does, pretty much no other super hero can take him down, so he becomes this ominous super presence that is hard to use. It will be interesting to see how they use him the Avengers movie without totally just killing everyone and winning all fights on his own. I guess because his brother Loki is involved, it doesn’t mean auto win. But seriously? Thor is like a cheat code. SO here is hoping the future films will not just be awkward TooStrongToCare fests.

4 out of 4

Flipped

Ahhhhhhhhhhhhh. Damn you Rob Reiner! Damn you trying to ban smoking from bars and other things. And damn you for making this great, awesome movie.

Rob Reiner SP
Yes. That is Rob Reiner yelling at a smoker far from his table, while eating what may be a pretzel.

This movie tells the story of the lives of two kids, a girl (Madeline Carroll) and boy (Callan McAuliffe). Boy moves into new area, and girl meets him instantly, falling deep deep into infatuation. That may not be proper use of that word. This is like, 1st grade or something. The story starts in the 1st grade, but most of the juicy awesome parts occur later when they are in the 6th grade (or middle school or whatever).

It is told back and forth between their point of views, the girl infatuated with the boy, and the boy just trying to get away. Until, wait for it, the two switch positions, the boy liking her, and the girl hating him. It is almost as if their thoughts on each other have….FLIPPED. Similarly, with the story going back and forth, it constantly flips its point of view. That is what we call a title with layers, folks.

It is a simple story, but it is so damn heartwarming. Should make anyone become nostalgic, even if you are too young for nostalgia. It is very relatable despite being set in the 60s. It is also set in Michigan, which makes it better than most movies. It is a pretty smart film too, overall. Doesn’t feel “childish” at all. Just awesome. Great and awesome. And “nice” Now I am rambling. You should watch this movie.

4 out of 4.

American Breakdown

American Breakdown [Also this link. Because one has the stars, one does not. I guess to cover it up?] may be one of the worst movies I have ever seen. Physically even as well. First off, this film seems like it was filmed entirely on an unfocused camera. My eyes /hurt/ when I watched this movie.

Unfocused Image
Here is an extreme example of what I thought I was watching. Posting it here though makes me a dick. I apologize. But this movie really does suck, and awkward focusing throughout pissed me off.

Because a lot of it was unfocused, I ended up having to listen to most of the movie, or “barely” watch it. That is a big strike in terms of liking a movie, that is for sure.

In terms of storyline, it is made up of, 4 or 5 smaller stories. Supposedly real life stories from New York City or something. Real life must be right, because that shit was stupid. And boring. And some was clearly not real. The second story barely had words, which sucked, because understanding it was painful (I /had/ to watch). This has people like Steve Carell in it, and Tony Soprano. And Paris Hilton. And Paul Walker. But who cares? This film was horrible. Nothing was interesting (except /maybe/ the last story). I felt like this would definitely be one of the films being made fun of by Mystery Science Theater.

Mystery Science Theater 4k?
I am now taking applications for people to join me to make a Mystery Science Theater 4000. Must be robots.

0 out of 4.

Love, Wedding, Marriage

This movie was dumb. I was bored with it. It did have Charlie from It’s Always Sunny and Alyson Hannigan in it though. That was interesting. I won’t tag them to sour their names. Really didn’t care about what happened most of the movie. Mandy Moore was the main role, and really, she didn’t do anything special. It just felt like a typical romantic comedy, and even the name just seems to be a mash up of key words to try and get all

Alarm
STEREOTYPE ALARM. STEREOTYPE ALARM. STEREOTYPE ALARM.

Whoa whoa whoa. Sorry. I was about to make the assumption that all women love romantic comedies and respond to certain buzz words. But all the women I know who saw this movie (okay, only two) both hated it. So there ya go. It wasn’t too good. It didn’t make me rage in anger though.

1 out of 4.

Conan O’Brien: Can’t Stop

Another documentary! I already said I would stop watching political based documentaries with Hot Coffee, but I am fine with entertainment based ones. Doesn’t make this any less weird though.

This film is a documentary of Coco post NBC breakdown, pre TBS show, where he went on some 44 stop tour thing around Amurrika and performed. There are songs, jokes, bits, random celebrity cameos, and more. Also, most of it is of course getting to see the backstage of it all. Get to see Conan be himself.

Parts make him feel like a huge dick, like one scene early with his assistant, but that level of dickness dampens throughout it towards her, so one assumes that it was an obvious joke earlier on. Or something. Who knows. Edited things are edited. One show Jim Carey just showed up and came on stage to do things, apparently. Cause Jim doesn’t play by the rules. Andy Richter was also in this of course, and he acted more or less like he does on stage.

I guess it was interesting to see once, never really have to again. The funniest parts tended to be normal Conan as opposed to the scripted stage show. (But you know, all of the normal things could be scripted to. On a related note, what is actually real anyways?). I am giving this the average rating, because the only people who will watch this are those who love Conan. Those who don’t wont. Those who do will love it, and I assume the haters will give it at 0. So average review is average.

Andy Richter Controls the Universe
In other news, I want Andy Richter Controls The Universe to return as a TV show. So much for wants though, right?

2 out of 4.