Rise Of The Planet Of The Apes

Alright, a good thing to realize right off the back when watching this is it is NOT a prequel to the 2001 Burton one. Instead it is yes, another reboot, and a retelling that is more try to the original film series. This confused me a bit, as they threw in references and clues talking about space travel and stuff in this version of Rise, but they didn’t match with the ’01 version, making me go “Whaaaa?”. Saying “Whaaaa?” in theaters is also very distracting.

Anyways. This movie did a good job of making me care about the apes more than humans. Because seriously, the biggest problem with Avatar? Fuck the Na’vi.

Na'vi fck you
Fuck you too, buddy!

More specifically, if you give me a conflict between Humans and not humans, overall, I want the humans to win. Every time. Species over other species. I may not agree with all the actions (as we are supposed to feel uneasy in Starship Troopers) but I don’t want them to lose because of it. So if this movie brought up a big war with the apes and humans, I would be pissed if the apes won.

Thankfully, what it does better than ’01, is make the apes not the bad guy. ’01 made them clearly the bad guys (humans enslaved! War hungry apes!), but in this movie none of the apes are bad/evil, just a few people and that is all. It also does a good job of explaining at the end how the Apes will take over, so if they choose to continue the franchise the eggs are all in place. The only people who were really hurt were the bad humans too, and no all out war, just an escape for the apes to live in peace.

Not really a spoiler, but yeah its Franco‘s fault. He develops a drug to cure Alzheimer’s, but the testing on apes made them wicked smart. He just wanted to cure his dad, is all. Also, how good is John Lithgow in this movie? This plus Dexter season 4 shows this guy has got that acting thing down.

lithgow and monkey love
All in all, this is just a movie about the love between a monkey and John Lithgow.

The plot moves along at a good pace. If I had any complaint it is that the “Ape Escape” in the last half hour may have taken a bit too long.

In terms of randoms, I found his love interest a pointless add in. She didn’t seem to take away or add anything to the film, so that whole buildup was annoying. Also, the company owner in the beginning in the movie, in his first two scenes, removed and put on his glasses a total of five times. My friends didn’t notice it though. Seriously. I wrote them down for my second viewing. At 4:00, 4:10, and 4:35, and then 7:24 and 7:45 minute marks, this happens. Way too much dude.

3 out of 4.

Mars Needs Moms

This is the worst movie I have watched so far with these reviews. This just has to be a bad movie. Not a good kids movie and a bad movie, but a bad kids movie too. Besides its horrible title (Mars Needs Moms? What does that even mean?), the reason it failed box office wise has to be because it would only appeal to boys aged 9-12. No adults, and definitely no women would come out after watching this and feel more inspired, better, or different at all. Well, maybe they will be angry at that drivel. Unless they are cool with their roles being reduced solely to being housewives later on, whose value is determined by ability to get others to do chores.

Freddie Mercury House Wive
By that logic, Freddy Mercury would make a good housewife.

What also bugged me was how creepy the humans looked. The voices seemed to not match at all the mouths how they were coming out, making them seem even more creepy. Especially with their dead eyes staring at me. Way too much uncanny valley.

Dead Eyes Seth Green
Yes. THOSE dead eyes.

It is billed as starring Seth Green, and as I watched it I thought there is NO WAY that Seth Green is doing that voice. Thanks to quick research, it is determined that the creators didn’t like his voice either, so they changed it to an actual eleven year old kid. The movements/face are still based off of Seth Green, but not the important part, the voice. Guess what didn’t get changed? The credits. That just feels like false advertising. Thats some crap.

The sidekick character was annoying, and the plot horrible. Don’t watch this. Seriously. There is a reason it is one of the worst box office disasters ever. Don’t let them make any money back through DVD/Blu-Ray sales in order to not call it a compete flop.

0 out of 4.

The Road

Oh man this movie was sooooo saddd. AGGHHHH. And depressing. I cried. I did. Very good. Here are some jokes to take my mind off of it.

The Road, obviously, is loosely based off of Jack Kerouac‘s life (and his most famous work, On The Road). Viggo Mortensen plays for the second time a brilliant role as a man slowly turning into a zombie.

Aragorn Viggo Ghosts
I am pretty sure that is what is going on in this scene.

I heard they were going to make a book based off of this movie, but I hope it doesn’t blow like the last book they made after the other successful Viggo movie. That one with the hobbits. History of Violence I believe was based off of real life events though as well, because, you know, it was history.

But seriously. This movie was great, despite the depressing state of everything. Bring tissues. Check it out. It is a post apocalyptic movie, where despite knowing stuff is about to go down, Viggo and his wife still have a child. Viggo believes it to be his duty to still have a child to help the world through these times, while his wife doesn’t agree, thinking it will just hurt them in the end. Parts of the story is told through flashback, before the child, and his early days when they lived in a house, and the rest is between Viggo and his son as they attempt to travel and survive in this world gone mad. You get to see what people will do in order to survive and protect the ones they love, passing many many moral boundaries.

4 out of 4.


What is with all these one word simple movie titles. Paul? Someone will look at the URLs for these pages and just think very sexual and inappropriate thoughts about what the site is actually about.

Well I guess you could think of sexual things and inappropriate things, without them being the same “thing”. But why?

I forgot that this was technically another British comedy, so it gave me a more refreshing take on a foul mouthed alien story we have all grown accustomed too (that last one being Machete (see what I did there?)).

thats racist

Pegg/Frost, despite being the main two, were not as exciting as the rest of the supporting cast in my opinion, which definitely made the movie. (Oh. So all the Americans. Whoops.)

thats racist

It was cool seeing Jason Bateman as a “bad guy” too, and Sigourney Weaver was a nice joke there. Also, for more patriotism, U-S-A! U-S-A! U-S-A! I don’t know why I haven’t mentioned Seth Rogen yet. Dude is great at voice acting. Must explain his horrible face? He was obviously one of the better parts of this movie, just like he was the best part of Monsters vs Aliens (which was lame). So yeah. Aliens are funny. Nerds are fun. British people trying to not be considered gay in America is interesting. So overall pretty good movie.

Oh. Bonus movies on the Blu-Ray too. For a limited time, you can watch for free with this movie….Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas, or Tremors 2: Aftershocks. They are pretty much all the same movie. (WHAT!?)

3 out of 4.

Tactical Force

I think this movie didn’t know what it wanted to be. First part was amusing in a violent sort of way, and then it almost tried to be some sort of a cheesy 80’s cop show (based off the soundtrack). But then when it tried to get serious, it never really got there.

This movie is about a Tactical Force unit that just doesn’t do things by the book! Effective? Sure. But no one seemed to pay attention in SWAT class.
Including a hilarious lesson on how to properly stop someone with hostages. That is internet sarcasm.

ORLY owl
Shut your dirty mouth, ORLY Owl

While going to a warehouse to run test missions with fake bullets and what not, they accidentally encounter a real gorup of bad guys. Oh no! With no bullets, versus a ton of people with bullets? However will they stop them? Oh yeah. TACTICAL FORCE!

So more things happen. More kinda violence. Steve Austin, the leader, ends up wrestling with someone else. Weird for a SWAT guy, but I guess they were going for that. I thought Michael Jai White (Black Dynomiteeee) was pretty good at his role. There was a “Twist” ending as well, that really didn’t mean anything or need to exist. I understand it. But it didn’t add anything to the movie or trick you in any way. Just kinda blah.

1 out of 4.


Alright, I have a confession to make. I am definitely biased with this review. I know part of the crew who put this movie together.

If you go to the cast and crew page of Super, you can find one Justin Beckham. He was actually the head camp director person for a Boy Scout Summer Camp I worked at in high school. Now a lawyer, he decided to help make a movie. Some people know how to live better lives than others I guess!

Anyways, this was a low budget dark comedy that was also independently release. Coming out within a year of Kick-Ass didn’t help either. Studio movie based off a graphic novel vs something someone just decided to do. Despite the low budget and “already done” theme, it was amazing. While focusing less on amazing action scenes (yet somewhat upping the gore/violence) and more on the human emotion side you get a different picture. The hero is of course Rainn Wilson. Kevin Bacon and Nathan Fillion are both in it as well, as a villain and tv character respecftfully. Ellen Page‘s character was crazy awesome. Like a less deadly, more psychotic (and strangely hot) Hit-Girl. What else was unexpected? Anime tentacles, a rape scene (not related to tentacles, oddly enough), and realistic (ish) deaths.

Flynn Rape Scene
“Did you say rape scene?”
Damn it, Flynn!

In other news, this movie is pretty cheap on Amazon. I saw it for preorder as $13 on Blu-Ray, but now it is still just $14. Pretty cheap for Blu-Ray.

I personally think the ending of this film is debatable, but no one else who saw it did. They actually ignored my theories, but if you watch it, I will argue it with you to!

3 out of 4.

How To Train Your Dragon

How To Train Your Dragon? Dumb title. Just saying. Let’s have some creativity dreamworks. Good luck making an evil baby dragon look cute also.

Oh shit.

httyd evil black one
Awww, look at that cute evil glare.

In this story we have Viking like people! Hooray! They are at war with the dragons because…uhh they are dragons and dragons are evil. Our main character (Jay Baruchel) sucks at fighting, and would rather just learn. He ends up hitting the dangerous Nightwing dragon DOWN FROM THE SKY! But no one sees him do it, and it is at night, and for whatever reason no one will go into the woods with him to get it later. Their loss. Cute dragon he finds, and he can’t kill him. But aww, its wing is broken.

Eventually he gains the dragon trust, all in secret of course. Adults don’t believe kids. While he is training with his dragon, he is also getting trained how to fight and kill dragons with the other kids. Through his dragon, he learns little secrets to subdue them without weapons, that no one else knew about. Shit, dude is a genius! He thinks that there is nothing evil about the dragons, and maybe something else is evil forcing the dragons to be “bad”. Just saying, of course. He even makes a book eventually. About how to train a dragon. Oh okay. got it now.

Lot of voice actors in this one, including Gerard Butler, Craig Ferguson, Kristen Wiig, Jonah Hill, Christopher Mintz-Plasse, America Ferrera, and T.J. Miller.

Your heroes, ladies and gentlemen.

And here is what pissed me off. Family movies (or movies for kids) love to do this shit. Make adults unable to change and accept the word of a child. All the time, and use it as a main plot point. It is stupid, and bullshit, and makes me so mad.

Once they find out about his trained dragon, guess what? Everyone flips their shit. They stop from killing him because, well, if they let him go, he can lead them to the lair and kill them all. Obviously that is the best advice! Because this kid, who has surprised everyone for months over his tactics that he learned from a dragon, on how to subdue them, on how they are not bad, and on the fact that a dragon listens to him? That is all hogwash. The fact that any of them would constantly interrupt him and ignore him is the bullshittiest bullshit at that point.

Even if they were at war their whole life, their first reaction would be more confusion and panic and a willingness to listen. That on it owned ruined this from a great film to an okay one for me..

Of course everything changes by the end and people accept the dragons. Thanks to the kid character, they can all now learn how to train a dragon. The sequel being called HTTYD2 doesn’t make sense though. Oh well. I liked this more than Toy Story 3 (the movie it lost to for awards) though overall, is because unlike TS3, it shows that people can change, even if it takes some unreasonable amount of time. Guess what my biggest complaint of TS3 is? Hah.

2 out of 4.

Knight and Day

This review may be controversial. Which I can ignore of course, since these are just all my opinions anyways. Who can tell me I am wrong!

Angry Zoidberg
No one!

I was originally interested in Knight and Day because the previews made it look like it was Tom Cruise acting very ridiculous with some Diaz. Because I am tired of Tom Cruise acting all serious and action star like. He needs to make fun of himself more (Like his dancing in Tropic Thunder). No one really wants to see Mission Impossible 4, as far as I can tell.

zoidberg knitting
No one!

Thankfully, this movie was pretty weird (Of course! Action Rom Com? What?) and I got exactly what I wanted. A weird kind of spy movie.
Cameron Diaz was fine as girl who is in a situation way over her head. They didn’t make the story completely linear too. I loved the large gaps in storyline, and jumping ahead, and they had such an interesting way of explaining it all.

I kind of hated the last scene. They made obvious jokes about the rest of the film, but the jokes were too long and obvious. I could have dealt without the ending. But this was pretty great, cant wait to buy it.

4 out of 4.


Well, I should have seen that coming. Afterall, thinking of video game movies that aren’t lame is hard to do. The plot of Tekken is kind of like the game, Tekken. Kind of.

Some character lines (Heihachi, Kazuya, Jin) make sense, while others with characters from the game’s stories are completely ignored. One woman fighter is supposed to be the mom of another fighter, but they don’t interact at all with each other, and her son is older than her. Whoops?

Although it had the brazillian Eddie and Yoshitmitsu, I was sad to not see Jack, Paul, King, etc. Probably because I haven’t played since Tekken 3.

tekken panda
Or the best Tekken character ever, PANDA!

Finally, even if it wasn’t based closely on the game, the movie was a mess. The whole tournament arbitrarily kept changing, never knowing actually how the rounds ended up working. Oh suddenly we are at the finals? Okay. Why is this person in the movie and never shown to fight? Whatever. Tournaments should be simple to follow. Not random. Easiest part in the movie to make simple.

Did I mention the plot was stupid too? The game has so much plot in it, everyones storyline, but it kept changing things. Fighting games that work on a story line are some of the easiest to convert and explain. All fights have a reason and what not. Oh well, where is my Soul Calibur movie? Complete with more Yoshimitsu of course.

Yoshimitsu bad ass

1 out of 4.


The premise of the movie is that someone becomes a much better human thanks to experimental drugs? That just sounds like Senseless. Afterall, both end in less, and have 5 letter words. But in senseless just his senses were enhanced and it was a comedy. In Limitless, his mind is enhance. And its action/drama. Oh well.

The story starts out as expected, Bradley Cooper is a loser. Probably a hipster. A writer who doesn’t write. Just living in the NYC.

Hipster Loser Cooper
Above: Hipster Loser, Bradley Cooper.

Thanks to certain events, he gets these pills temporarily. And he becomes…productive! He cleans his apartment! He writes his book. Aww, finally growing up Bradley Cooper. A drug to make someone be less of a loser! What I really like about this movie is it is weird. The beginning, loser hipster days is kind of boring. But that is on purpose. The drug focuses not on being enhanced strength wise, but mentally. BC gets smarter and smarter, unlocking more and more human potential. Soon he is wracking in the dough. But it doesn’t stop there. His body just gets better and better. The film speed and style almost seem to keep speeding up, and the viewer has to step up his game to keep up.

Reminds me of Flowers For Algernon, without the sadder end. It is cool watching the evolution, and it is awesome focusing on a smarter person. It also teaches us that drugs are not always bad, mmkay.

3 out of 4.

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