30 Minutes Or Less

I originally listed this movie as 30 Seconds or Less. Whoops. Minutes are larger than seconds, by at least a factor of 60. Math!

Nerd Calculator
The start of Skynet was actually learning how to make calculators speak.

So we have the good guys. Mark Zuckerberg and Todd Haverford.

And the bad guys. Kenny Fucking Powers and Bucky Larson. Ugh. Sorry. Nick Swardson is better known as Nick Swardson. He doesn’t have many memorial roles. Instead you think of him as that guy in blah and blah.

Jesse is just a down on his luck no prospects pizza delivery boy. For some reason, his restaurant also has the 30 minutes or less guarantee, which as everyone knows is silly. No real basis for who’s clock is actually right, just leads to a whole bunch of problems. Especially since they apparently don’t start the timer until the pizza is given to the driver and on the way, not when the call is made. How are these customers going to be all “oh man, 2 minutes late”. Unless they magically know when he left. Err, nevermind.

So yeah, he is a slacker, but a good guy and smart. Danny McBride is living off of his dad (a war vet’s) wealth, and mad that his dad keeps buying shit with his lotto earnings. He figures at this rate, by the time he dies, there will be no money left. So why not have his dad killed? But they gotta play it smart, cant just have them be the killer. So they find a guy who will do the job, but first they need $100,000.

Using that same logic, they think they should find someone else to steal the money for them too. So they agree to kidnap a complete stranger, strap a bomb to his chest, and give him 24 hours to rob a bank. CRIMINAL. MASTERMINDS.

This was a pretty funny movie. Aziz may have been the funniest part of the movie. But that is because he is secretly one of the funniest people in television. It is his high pitched voice when he is yelling that does it.

Danny McBride acted how he generally acts in all movies. Swardson was dumb sidekick. Jesse E is in more serious things than he is in comedies. He was a funny character as well, but more importantly, when he had a bomb stuck to his chest and he was panicking, I believed the fear he displayed. That alone is almost worth the watch itself. It is hard to play believably scared, especially in a comedy, but he does it well.

Jesse E 30 Minutes Or Less
Pictured: Serious shit.

So yeah. Good movie. Why aren’t you watching it yet?

3 out of 4

Sympathy For Delicious

I was afraid this movie would be way too religious, and, well, it was. Yep. Sympathy for Delicious is a gross title too. No one is actually sure what it means.

Dude gets faith/touch healing ability, sometime after he becomes paralyzed from the waist down. He was just an underground DJ! But now he is crippled. A crippled underground DJ who can heal people played by the writer, Christopher Thornton. Ruffalo (in his first Director role while looking way too much like John Leguizamo in my opinion) tries to get him to use his power to help people. Cause he is a priest.

John Leguizamo
John Leguizamo could never play a priest, however.

Unfortunately Crippy feels like he is being exploited and feels like he should be getting paid more. So instead he tours with a band, using his power to become all famous and shit. Until he is blamed for a death (as he tried to heal instead of getting help for) and put in prison. Life is shit. Until he does a selfless good thing, then life is good again. Still paralyzed but good life.

Damn this movie. It was pretty overall lame. BUT. I do think the acting by Thornton and Ruffalo was good, culminating to their argument before the trial. Also overall has a gritty indie feel to it. As I always say, acting alone cannot make the film good though. Especially if it really just the one scene. Orlando Bloom is in this movie too, but not important, just the band leader.


ruffalo not hulk
I ran out of Ruffalo hulk images. So priest Ruffalo will have to do.

1 out of 4.

Blitz

Ehhhhh.

Oh. Want more? Ehhhhhhhh.

The picture below is how I felt watching and after watching Blitz.

Cat meh
I am not above using cats on this website.

Blitz starred Jason Statham, and I was super bored. This film could not keep my interest. It was all,

“blahblahbritish talk, blah blah, someone is killing police. But I’m a bad ass cop! I will find him.”
“After how many more police die?”
“I don’t know know, as long as my woman and I are safe. I will find him before he finds me.”

Yep. That is how the whole movie felt. Jason Stathom is only good at action. Afterall, he is pretty much just acting as ridiculous as his real life used to be. This is not even a psychological thriller or anything.

The killer isn’t smart, he just covers up the basic elements. He doesn’t leave clues for them to find him, he just does it. The action is super limited in the movie as well. The biggest action scenes were the beginning and the end of the film. In between that action crust is a lot of bored tofu.

Only reason people do this is because they see Stathom and assume action.

1 out of 4.

The Beaver

There comes a moment in every mans life where he realizes he is now criminally insane. Mel Gibson had one of these moments.

Beaver Crazy
Mel Gibson’s moment is pictured above.

Oh wait sorry, that is actually a movie. He is acting about having a nervous breakdown. My bad!

The Beaver is a movie I definitely had false pretenses about. Didn’t know what to expect, thought it would be something silly about a family and a talking beaver that joins their lives. Nope. It is about a depressed man, who leaves his family, and ends up using a beaver puppet to communicate with the world. Communication was something quite hard for him, bad for the CEO of a giant toy company. Thankfully there is, The Beaver.

But yeah. This movie is also about depression. And depression is srs bzns. I didn’t know it was directed by Jodie Foster (who also played the wife). This is the only big directing project she has done according to IMDB, with the other three things being pre 1996.

The Beaver Sexy Time
The Beaver also helps with sexy time.

The Beaver is actually a very intelligent movie, of a depressed man trying to deal with his problems. Even if he thinks he is getting better, the people closest to him can see he is only getting worse. This film is more than about Gibson being depressed, but equally about his family in coping with Gibson, and how his son is seemingly going down the same path. I was shocked at how good this movie actually was. I will probably buy it (okay just did).

4 out of 4.

Little Big Soldier

The box for this movie is pretty cool. Jackie Chan, some other asian guy, and Little Big Solider. What is this about? What does it MEAN?

panic attack
It means awesome good shit.

Well I will tell you.

First I think this was a pet project movie for Jackie Chan for some time. It is definitely a Chinese movie, as guess what, it is subtitled. I personally watched it Dubbed, because I don’t care. (I am not sure if Jackie Chan did his own dubbing). The story is one of the many Ancient China stories that are abundant in the world, and of which I know nothing about. This takes place in BC China, when there is warlords, fighting, big clans, armies, and more. Such a small story too in the large history, as the Writer, he clearly made this movie for him.

He plays a farmer who was enlisted to join his warlord clans army. Accidentally in his first fight he ends up capturing the opposing sides General. If a general is brought back (normally dead) to the warlord, the soldier is granted amnesty from the war, is given a large plot of land, and left alone if they want forever. All Jackie Chan wants to do is farm. Raise a family. The other main actor who plays the general also does very well. The fight scenes that featured them two were fantastically made. As you are aware, a lot of Asian martial arts movies nowadays have these artsy and stylistic fight scenes. The way they use the surroundings. The barn fight and “stick fight” were some of my favorites.

The ending I didn’t see coming, (but all my friends who know their Feudal Chinese history probably do! Yes, all zero of you) and thought it sad. Oh well. Can’t change the past.*

The movie was also beautiful on Blu-Ray. I assume there was very little used in CGI, and that the areas where filming took place just look that awesome. It is hard to imagine China as a beautiful place, mostly because I am brainwashed to assume it is just communism and other bad things. U-S-A! U-S-A!


Jackie chan adventures
Not the best part of Asia, as this took place in San Francisco. It is, however, the best part of San Francisco.

4 out of 4.

* – Allegedly

Moon

I was told I needed to watch this movie when I revealed Source Code. Same director, and he did Moon before Source Code. Had a LOT less budget, many less actors, and was independently released.

Hipster Approved
“Independently released? Well I approve!”

This was a great sci-fi movie. Thankfully, by reading the back cover, you really have no idea what the movie is about. For the sake of everything, don’t try and figure out what it is about before watching it. Don’t watch the trailer. Here is a synopsis that will not ruin it for you:

Moon: Sam Rockwell is on the moon alone. He is there to harvest moon stuff, and send it back to earth, as a new and awesome energy source. He has a robot companion (voiced by Kevin Spacey). Then some weird shit happens.

There ya go! So once the “Weird shit” starts to happen, I continued to make guesses “Oh the ending will be blahdyblahblah” and then 10 minutes later, said guess happens. This just leaves me dumbfounded. Why would that happen so soon? “Oh!” I says to myself. “Well. Maybe this is going to be lead to this?”.

I think I did that like, three times. Until I was wrong and got an overall ending sequence I wasn’t guessing. Hooray for not knowing what will happen! The simplisticness of the movie makes it work, with only really two main characters. Sam Rockwell with a beard is cool, but I kept finding it odd his characters name was Sam Bell. What is he, trying to turn into Bill Paxton now? Either way, this does what a good sci-fi movie should do. Question humanity. And other philosophical things. (The other acceptable good sci-fi movie is of course the one that is secretly political).


Bill Paxton
Whoa whoa. Only Bill Paxton can be Bill Paxton. If you aren’t Bill Paxton, you can’t be Bill Paxton. And I am Bill Paxton. Bill Paxton.

3 out of 4.

Barney’s Version

Barney’s Version is a movie I had never heard of, but apparently it was nominated for an Academy Award AND starred Paul Giamatti? At the same time?

Hell frozen over
This is my subtle way of implying Hell has frozen over.

Of course after watching, I saw that it was actually only nominated for Best Makeup. Whoops. It lost to The Wolfman.

That is a shitty category anyways. The fact that Curious Case of Benjamin Button beat out Hellboy II is a sham! (Yes, I have opinions on who should win Best Makeup).

Regardless, this was a pretty good movie. Calling a comedy, I don’t agree with. Paul makes a bunch of jokes, and some situations occur, but overall I thought of it as a drama. Especially when you realized WHY this movie is called Barney’s Version, and what is actually going on.

The ending was pretty sad. I had some tears. It is a story of a man who falls in love with three women throughout his life. It also explores the relationship with his best friend, also leading to some very interesting moments. The story is told out of order, but that also has a reason.

Barney's Version
And it not just because of alcohol.

The movie is actually based off of a book. I don’t know of anyone who has read the book. So it probably sucks. The best part of this movie is that it takes place in Canada, which means, you guessed it, there are hockey related scenes in it. He is from Montreal in the movie, and in one great scene, he is rushing into the streets to catch a woman before she hops on a train….and traffic is backed up because the Habs have won a playoff game. Good stuff.

Clearly any movie with a hockey scene is a good movie too. Good, not as well known, pick up.

3 out of 4.

The Invention of Lying

This movie starts off with a good concept (“Good”? I mean, at least it is interesting. Why not have a world where lying isn’t possible!).

The first part of this movie was definitely enjoyable. Once Ricky Gervais accidentally figures out how to lie, he doesn’t know how to explain it. He tries to explain it. But no one gets it. What a crazy world. Louis CK plays his friend too, who at least sticks with him throughout all this. Despite not understanding, he is fine freeloading, like any good friend. Once Ricky finds out he can lie, he becomes wealthy, he becomes a big shot movie writer, and everyone likes him.

Yet for some reason Jennifer Garner doesn’t want to fuck him. After all, he has pug nosed fat genes. Regardless of how interesting he seems, she can’t imagine how shitty their children would look. Rob Lowe of course is the example of the perfect human.

Ricky G Jennifer G loui CK
Yuck! Look at those hideous beasts! How dare they share an elevator with THE Jennifer Garner.

Anyways, despite being enjoyable, the first 20 ish minutes before the lie, it is pretty repetitive. Thankfully, they handle first and foremost that using it for sex is bad. Or at least way too awkward. Either way, after the main character gets all he wants and there is still half a movie left to go, it just becomes sad. Like. I didn’t find 4/5 of the movie to actually be a comedy, overall just kind of depressing. Sure it took him forever to get with Jennifer Garner, but the route was just blah. He gets into religion, and being more famous than he wants. But holy crap. This was just a sad movie. It had a happy ending? But who cares. I was depressed. Not even a comedy.

Also as a note, and I am sure you were thinking, is they quickly handle the “Oh man, what if he rapes women with this power” situation. That is the first thing he (And most males?) would probably try to do, sleep with a hot chick. Thankfully Ricky finds the situation weird because of how easy it works and decides to never do anything like that again.

Flynn the rapist
“No, I definitely would not have been weirded out with the power to rape anyone and it be okay.”

1 out of 4.

Shutter Island

When I heard of this movie, I thought “Hey, that sounds like a stupid movie. An Island with crazy and murderous people? Like an Asylum? That doesn’t make sense. Especially if it was in the past. We (As Americans) wouldn’t use our taxes to keep this facility running. We would so just kill them”.

Lobotomy
Or at least just lobotomize them and slowly introduce them back to society.

Which is why I never watched it until now. I can’t remember, but I think Shutter Island is the name of the island, not a camera reference.

But I did like it more than I thought I would. After watching it once, I would assume that the second viewing is better than the first, knowing how everything will turn out. I cannot speak for a 3rd or more viewing however. Maybe just one more viewing, but other than that I don’t know. After that would be the M. Night Shamamalanana effect, kind of making it eh.

I actually correctly guessed the ending too, but not as detailed as it ended up being. I expected it in a much more cheesy fashion, going for the quick “oh shit” and that was it, but thankfully it was a lot more developed. I am not actually sure if Leonardo is a good actor, or just good at playing not in the present actors. Titanic. Man in the Iron Mask. Gangs of New York. This movie. All non present. He could just be a period piece dude. (Ignoring Inception and The Departed).

Also I didn’t realize it was Mark Ruffalo until the very end. Good he makes another appearance, where he does not unleash his hulk rage out on the crazy people aggressors.

Ruffalo Hulk
Ruffalo STARE!!

3 out of 4.

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