Prom

At blockbuster there are tiny strips of paper to show what is coming soon, with the title and release date on them. The one for prom must have been prented incorrectly, because the background was dark, and I could only barely make out the words PROM on it, definitely not the word disney. So I assumed it would be a horror movie. It was pretty creepy. But then there was a colorful poster, with a big group of diverse kids all dressed up and no blood. And the word DISNEY. My mistake!

I definitely thought this movie would be bad based off the company and idea, but it ended up being a much more pleasant and enjoyable story than I could imagine. It also has tons of recognizable faces in it. Hank and the Rehab Dude from Breaking Bad. The main chick was in Scream 4 (She plays the “dumb blonde with big tits”(Scream 4 quote)) who dies at the beginning. There is also the ginger gay kid from Shameless. But finally, my personal favorite, THE DUDE WHO GLOWS from Sky High. Now he is all grown up and super tall. Black hair too, not gold.

DUDE WHO GLOWS
Most useless super power ever? Maybe to you. But I lost my keys and it is dark.

This movie starts 3~ weeks before your typical movie prom aka best night of high school…in film. It has quite a few storylines outside of the main one which is largely predictable. Unfortunately it shows a lot of crazy/dramatic gestures from males in this high school asking females to prom. I am afraid for future generations, in case this movie becomes popular enough to fill girl’s heads with even more unreasonable expectations about a dance.

I thought most of the storylines were fine / cute / good, but the one I liked the most was with THE DUDE WHO GLOWS from Sky High (man sky high rocks). Maybe because its a been there, done that type story for me.

Movie has some stereotypes and cliches, but thankfully there is enough “different” people that you could probably find someone to relate too. Wont buy, but I did enjoy the one watch I had.

2 out of 4.

Skateland

Oooh. A movie set in the 70s or 80s and about skating? Cool. I hope it is like Roll Bounce. I love Roll Bounce!

Roll Bounce
So does Wayne Brady.

Now I knew by reading the cover it wouldn’t be like Roll Bounce. It is some coming of age story, also involving a skating rink (named Skateland). Alright. Gotcha.

But oh man was this movie boring. Outside of Brett Cullen, no other really known people are in it.

Not much happened in this movie. Unfortunately, it took a long for time to what happened to happen. Scenes were slow, the plot was slow, and the conversations were never exciting. The actors showed little emotion, and it kind of reminded me of an actual 70s movie in that regard. Just camera and scenes. The only thing I really noticed is that a lot of scenes were single camera shot. It meant no cuts and that the people actually had to remember their lines and not screw up. Good job guys. You should do theater.

0 out of 4.

Justin Bieber: Never Say Never

This review contains spoilers, technically. Alright, as some background, I am not a Bieber hater. I don’t care about him. If he has a song that I like, I will like it. I enjoy the songs Somebody to Love and Baby. It is also technically the first documentary I am reviewing. I don’t do these a lot, because they are weird to review.

It is a great movie strategy though. If they make a movie every 15 years of Justin’s life, it will be the best documentary ever. Hopefully ending with some drunken alley when he is 50. Not wishing bad thoughts, just drunken ones.

Bieber Hobo
“I used to be someone. I used to be a contender.”

There was some things I definitely despised in this movie. In one picture, Justin is wearing a Colorado Avalanche hat, and in another video, one of his friends has a Duke sweater on. Screw that. I also didn’t like the amount of interviews in the first 30 minutes with little girls talking about Bieber. Was way too many, and hit too often. Would have been better more spread out. Similarly, a lot of the stage performances he did in the first half of the movie were pretty boring, I guess because I didn’t know the songs.

What was good? The performance of (something about a lonely girl?) made me go aww. Was interesting to see the emotion on the people who were picked to be “serenaded too”. I like emotion. This movie also had a central conflict! Justin’s voice might not have been perfect for the MSG performance! He had to postpone shows due to sickness! Ahh! It also teased me by ending about three times.

Seriously. False endings for the lose. “Oh this would be a good time to end. Sike!”It ended with three songs (the title song, some piano song) and finally, after all the wait, got to see Baby. Because honestly, why else would I see this movie? I dislike it ended with that, but I see why they did. So I will say that the only people that will like this movie are people who like Justin Bieber. Obvious reviews are obvious? I will also ask the obvious question. Where is my Taylor Swift Movie?

Taylor Swift
Taylor Swift: Don’t Be Mean

1 out of 4.

Daydream Nation

Alright, this is an indie movie that I probably never would have noticed until a friend of mine saw it and liked it. She said I probably wouldn’t enjoy it.

Shows what she knows. I mean, once I saw that it starred Kat Dennings, I had to see it, no matter how weird indie, chick flicky, it may turn out to be.

Kat Dennings
What big “eyes” you have.

Another way to describe this movie is as one where Kat Dennings has sex. A lot. Like. Constantly.

Kat is a high school girl, and new to the area. So what does she do? She tries to seduce the teacher and get high a bunch. The teacher is played by Josh Lucas, who was also recently in The Lincoln Lawyer. While getting high she also gets somewhat involved with a random junkie. That random junkie of course being played by Reece Thompson. Oh what a crazy adolescenes she lives!

The movie has a lot of smart dialogue, and interesting plot. It is also filled with a lot of flashbacks and, you guessed it, daydream fantasies. I am mad that all Kat Dennings is doing now is some stupid show. It has a laugh track, which lessens the overall amount of awesome it could achieve.

daydreamer male
When I daydream, I generally don’t think of movie plots, but of how big Kat Dennings’s…eyes are.

3 out of 4.

Percy Jackson & the Olympians: The Lightning Thief

Whew! Thats a long title. So from now on, it will be PJOTLT. Just rolls right off the tongue. This movie is I guess based off of some book series as well. Not to mention greek mythology (no way!). When I saw this preview a year and a half ago, I thought it was a joke. What is this crap? Well, after viewing it….I liked it. It was a very interesting movie.

A friend of mine says compared to the source is no where close. Oh well, fuck the source material. I only care if it is super wrong, and I was just told it left parts out. Movies aren’t books.

Book Burning
Picture taken just after some people read the previous lines.

A lot happens in the movie, and its very close to two hours in length. The visuals are pretty, and there is a lot of action. Are there things I’d like to change? Heck yeah. Afterall, I am a damn ancient history major as well as a geologist. I know me some greek mythos (as it is real history).

I don’t like how they like to show the Underworld/Hades as Hell/Satan. That bugged me, in terms just Americanizing greek mythos. Some may say that me not caring that these movies being different from the books, but caring that it doesn’t fit in with greek mythology is hypocritical. I say it is wayyy different. It’d be like calling a person a Christian in a movie, and noting that they plan on going to Las Vegas once they die. Just different stuff.

Seeing Brandon T. Jackson as a Satyr was cool. Pierce Brosnan as a centaur was awesome. Logan Lerman was also in 3:10 to Yuma (the new one, obviously), and carried the movie well as the lead Percy Jackson. A lot of cheesiness was in this movie, but it is to be expected with its rating. Having the story be about the son of Poseidon, and not Zeus, was a refreshing change.

Satyr Grover Brandon T Jackson
I couldn’t find a good picture, but you can kinda see his crazy legs.

All I am saying is I might be watching the next one of these in theaters. If someone had told me it had Brandon T. Jackson as a Satyr, I would have seen this movie immediately. So there you go.

3 out of 4.

From Prada To Nada

I didn’t realize (despite the title) that this movie was also very spanish like. It was kind of vague about actually where the main girls are from, but they are Latina in nature. The story is actually based on the movie Sense and Sensibilitly (yes it was a book first, leave me alone, I didn’t read the book). I didn’t know it would actually try to have a famous plot to it, I just saw it as a cheesy romantic comedy that could have probably been a made for tv movie. True story, it used to be called Sense and Sensibilidad. Yuck!

The movies main stars are Camilla Belle and Alexa Vega. Wait, Alexa Vega? From Spy Kids? Well. She got hotter.

Also starring… Fez From That 70’s Show?

Fez and Spy Kids
Vega, in dress. Fez, looking like Enrique. Damn Fez.

Despite having Fez, which makes it kick ass, it did still just feel like a made for TV movie. The other main male lead was the older debater from Rocket Science. Fez played the role of Alan Rickman in this movie (again joke. He played the same “character” Alan Rickman played.) and it probably won’t ever happen again, until we get a reboot of Die Hard.

Hans Gruber
Fez as Hans Gruber? I can see it.

At the funeral of their dad, it all seemed like a joke to me. No one seemed to look that sad, like the realized this was a lame movie and that they shouldn’t even try.

1 out of 4.

For Colored Girls

Now clearly I am not the market group this movie was trying to capture with this movie. As a white guy, something about the title For Colored Girls does not appeal to me. But as a movie watcher, all movies appeal to me. So I had to see this movie now. Maybe it contained secrets that I wasn’t supposed to know? Like reading letters addressed to to other people. I definitely don’t do that, because that is a crime. Crime is illegal.

Handcuffs
And I don’t do illegal things, but I do legal things with items used to stop illegal things.

I was SHOCKED and Taken Aback from this film. I don’t think those are mutually exclusive terms. This movie could be viewed as a series of unfortunate events to happen to seven different black women. From underground abortions, to rape, to child death, the negative happenings just continued to pound away at the viewer, leaving the second half of the film to mostly be a recovery phase, to try and recollect. Seriously. It sucked. You will feel horrible at the midpoint, and then a little bit worse right after that. Each women (who have real names but also represent a color of the rainbow) also gets a long monologue that seems really out of place in the movie. It is in poetic form and it is because the movies are based off of a series of poems, called…wait for it…

For Colored Girls Who Have Considered Suicide When the Rainbow Is Enuf.

Rainnnbowww
Rainnnnbowwwwwwww

Overall, most of the actresses did very well, and the three~ mainish man characters. Unfortunately, with all of the characters and story lines it is easy to forget what is happening to who. Similarly the out of place feel of the monologues push it from a 4 to a 3.

3 out of 4.

30 Minutes Or Less

I originally listed this movie as 30 Seconds or Less. Whoops. Minutes are larger than seconds, by at least a factor of 60. Math!

Nerd Calculator
The start of Skynet was actually learning how to make calculators speak.

So we have the good guys. Mark Zuckerberg and Todd Haverford.

And the bad guys. Kenny Fucking Powers and Bucky Larson. Ugh. Sorry. Nick Swardson is better known as Nick Swardson. He doesn’t have many memorial roles. Instead you think of him as that guy in blah and blah.

Jesse is just a down on his luck no prospects pizza delivery boy. For some reason, his restaurant also has the 30 minutes or less guarantee, which as everyone knows is silly. No real basis for who’s clock is actually right, just leads to a whole bunch of problems. Especially since they apparently don’t start the timer until the pizza is given to the driver and on the way, not when the call is made. How are these customers going to be all “oh man, 2 minutes late”. Unless they magically know when he left. Err, nevermind.

So yeah, he is a slacker, but a good guy and smart. Danny McBride is living off of his dad (a war vet’s) wealth, and mad that his dad keeps buying shit with his lotto earnings. He figures at this rate, by the time he dies, there will be no money left. So why not have his dad killed? But they gotta play it smart, cant just have them be the killer. So they find a guy who will do the job, but first they need $100,000.

Using that same logic, they think they should find someone else to steal the money for them too. So they agree to kidnap a complete stranger, strap a bomb to his chest, and give him 24 hours to rob a bank. CRIMINAL. MASTERMINDS.

This was a pretty funny movie. Aziz may have been the funniest part of the movie. But that is because he is secretly one of the funniest people in television. It is his high pitched voice when he is yelling that does it.

Danny McBride acted how he generally acts in all movies. Swardson was dumb sidekick. Jesse E is in more serious things than he is in comedies. He was a funny character as well, but more importantly, when he had a bomb stuck to his chest and he was panicking, I believed the fear he displayed. That alone is almost worth the watch itself. It is hard to play believably scared, especially in a comedy, but he does it well.

Jesse E 30 Minutes Or Less
Pictured: Serious shit.

So yeah. Good movie. Why aren’t you watching it yet?

3 out of 4

Sympathy For Delicious

I was afraid this movie would be way too religious, and, well, it was. Yep. Sympathy for Delicious is a gross title too. No one is actually sure what it means.

Dude gets faith/touch healing ability, sometime after he becomes paralyzed from the waist down. He was just an underground DJ! But now he is crippled. A crippled underground DJ who can heal people played by the writer, Christopher Thornton. Ruffalo (in his first Director role while looking way too much like John Leguizamo in my opinion) tries to get him to use his power to help people. Cause he is a priest.

John Leguizamo
John Leguizamo could never play a priest, however.

Unfortunately Crippy feels like he is being exploited and feels like he should be getting paid more. So instead he tours with a band, using his power to become all famous and shit. Until he is blamed for a death (as he tried to heal instead of getting help for) and put in prison. Life is shit. Until he does a selfless good thing, then life is good again. Still paralyzed but good life.

Damn this movie. It was pretty overall lame. BUT. I do think the acting by Thornton and Ruffalo was good, culminating to their argument before the trial. Also overall has a gritty indie feel to it. As I always say, acting alone cannot make the film good though. Especially if it really just the one scene. Orlando Bloom is in this movie too, but not important, just the band leader.


ruffalo not hulk
I ran out of Ruffalo hulk images. So priest Ruffalo will have to do.

1 out of 4.

Blitz

Ehhhhh.

Oh. Want more? Ehhhhhhhh.

The picture below is how I felt watching and after watching Blitz.

Cat meh
I am not above using cats on this website.

Blitz starred Jason Statham, and I was super bored. This film could not keep my interest. It was all,

“blahblahbritish talk, blah blah, someone is killing police. But I’m a bad ass cop! I will find him.”
“After how many more police die?”
“I don’t know know, as long as my woman and I are safe. I will find him before he finds me.”

Yep. That is how the whole movie felt. Jason Stathom is only good at action. Afterall, he is pretty much just acting as ridiculous as his real life used to be. This is not even a psychological thriller or anything.

The killer isn’t smart, he just covers up the basic elements. He doesn’t leave clues for them to find him, he just does it. The action is super limited in the movie as well. The biggest action scenes were the beginning and the end of the film. In between that action crust is a lot of bored tofu.

Only reason people do this is because they see Stathom and assume action.

1 out of 4.

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