Gorgon Reviews

Although Jarhead is just outside of my range of reviews, I wanted to review a war-like movie for Memorial’s Day, and it is not only decently new but also a few people I have talked to about it haven’t ever seen it.

And damn it, I got it on Blu-Ray pretty cheap last Black Friday, so I wanted to see it, damn it.

Taking a new spin on the giving nature of the Marines.

The film takes place a few decades ago, and the war components during Operation Desert Shield. But earlier we get to see Swofford (Jake Gyllenhaal). It’s okay, nothing great. Lot of yelling. Eventually he gets invited to try out for a Sniping unit for the Marines, where Sgt. Sykes (Jamie Foxx) is not only the trainer, but the leader in combat too.

Regardless, he makes it to the final cut of 8 people, and even gets to be a shooter. Because yeah, unluckily, 4 of the 8 just get to be spotters. Like his new partner, Troy (Peter Sarsgaard). Then eventually off to combat! Hooray!

Or not. They then get to live out in the desert. Bored. Very bored. Trying to become accustomed to the new environment, but also boredom. Due to alcohol and changing of the duties, a fire breaks out and Swofford is demoted all the way back down to Private. Where the boredom remains, but the daily jobs are worse. The only thing for them to do is masturbate, which they make that pretty clear. But hey, even more eventually, they get to go to combat! Or at least get to go through the desert and be mobile.

One of the members, Fowler (Evan Jones) seems to be increasingly losing his sanity, having a more and more extreme sense of humor. Everywhere they go seems to be in the path of destruction that the airforce has already cleared, tons of burned Iraqi vehicles and people. Once they reach the Oil fields, the oil spurting up from the ground literally rains down on them (and eventually, is a constant jet of fire going into the air).

But when they get into a territory with the enemy in sight, will the finally be able to pull the trigger and prove their worth to the Marines?

My normal suspense method leaves very little suspense.

I should note that that picture above scares the crap out of me. Oil raining from the sky, caking the desert, (where they are digging holes in order to sleep in) while also different spewing oil areas are on a constant state of fire. That shit was real, and lasted for up to 10 months in 1991 Kuwait. Holy shit. It’d be the closest thing to Hell on earth, and I never heard of it before this movie.

During the first half, there was a lot more comedy than I would have expected in a “modern” war movie, but people do comedic things when faced with isolation and boredom. There isn’t a lot of open firing in this movie against any ‘bad guys’. The real enemy in this situation is just keeping sane and keeping your friends sane. Which in itself seems crazy!

Although the soldiers did exhibit their own personality, I didn’t even see Jake Gyllenhaal as Jake Gyllenhaal for most of the movie, just saw him as a real soldier. True for all the actors, EVEN Jamie Foxx (somehow).

I thought the acting and plot was good, and it was definitely heart wrenching in all the right places. The scenery was probably spot on, and vivid enough to make the viewer get irritated by the conditions we’d endure if we were there.

GhoOoOoOoOssSsssT ToOoOwWWwnN.

Am I doing it right? Definitely not at all to be confused with Ghost World, which is about Scarlett Johansson handling 2nd billing early in her career.

No, Ghost Town actually has ghosts in it. And it assumes there is an after life. Controversy? Not at all. People love ghosts. As long as they aren’t trying to kill them.

Currently no idea if these are the ghosts people love.

Ricky Gervais is a Dentist but hates people. Social situations he is not the best in, and tends to always keep to himself. Won’t even hold an elevator. Doesn’t talk to his coworkers. But when he goes into a routine surgery for some bowels problem, due to an anesthesia error he technically died for about eight minutes. He only found this out after asking his surgeon, Kristen Wiig, if any complications arose because he claims to be having hallucinations.

Turns out those hallucinations are real, and that they are ghosts! Ghosts who find it odd that a live person can see them, so they begin to harass him into helping him solve some of their last wishes. Because clearly if Ghost stuff is happening, their time on the Earth isn’t over! One of the more persistent ghosts is Greg Kinnear, who we get to see die first in the film! He was a cheating son of a gun, getting a new apartment just to have to cheat with his wife, Tea Leoni. But she finds out form the Realtor, and just assumes it was a gift for the both of them! Yay new place.

Well that apartment building is where Ricky lives and he has been very unpleasant to her. When he finds out Greg’s goal is to stop her marriage to a human rights lawyer, Billy Campbell, because he is a “bad guy”, he agrees only because the rest of the ghosts are supposed to leave him a lone. They agree the best plan of action is to get her to fall for someone else (awkward) and by george, Ricky wants to do it himself.

But he is still an asshole / bad guy / socially inept. Not to mention Greg lied about getting the other ghosts to back off. What else was he lying about? MORE QUESTIONS THAT MAKE YOU WONDER WHAT WILL HAPPEN? Also, lots of other ghosts. But Alan Ruck is one, so he is my favorite.

This is my idea of a good time.

First off, Wiig was only in this movie for about two scenes. Pre surgery, and worrying about his hallucinations post surgery. The first scene isn’t really much, but that second scene is one of the funniest things I’ve seen in awhile. I’ve seen the first part of it on Scene It before, and now it all makes sense. So she gets a credit role for that.

The plot is kind of predictable, just not the path. You know eventually he will probably begin to change his ways, be more friendly, help out the other Ghosts, etc. Maybe find love? But it wasn’t a straight line and was an actual good journey. Took some elements from a 90s movie Heart and Souls, staring a pre-coked Robert Downey Jr, but neither were the first to assume ghosts are on Earth until they finish a task.

But I found the only thing not only funny but enjoyable. Pretty much the exact opposite of The Invention Of Lying, another Gervais “comedy”. Plot was descent for what it was, and didn’t go into any sort of religious stance.

My first NC-17 review! Oh man guys, oh man.

I obviously knew the rating before going in. Only reason I really heard of Shame was because of a lot of uproar over being ignored by the Academy for awards (because for some reason people seem to care about them). A lot of people say it is because the Academy is bunch of Prudes!

I can’t really speak to that. But I will let this gif explain one of my thoughts early on in the movie.

It’s even funnier in reverse.

Shame is about sex, and a guy who is addicted to sex. That guy being Michael Fassbender, or as you may remember him, Magneto from X-Men: First Class. On the surface, he just seems like a normal successful business man in New York City. But socially he just seems mysterious.

When he goes out to the club with his married boss (James Badge Dale), without even trying he successfully ends up with the woman his boss was chasing. Dude has “talent”. We find out later his longest relationship was four months long, because he had decided to give it a “shot”. When he returns to his apartment one day he finds that someone else is no only inside, but SHOWERING in his shower. He rushes in with a bat to find a very naked Carey Mulligan (main character in Never Let Me Go!), his sister, and remembers he did give her a key after all.

She is going to be in town for the next few days, much to his dismay. He seems to be upset with her for whatever reason, finding plenty of reasons to yell at her throughout the movie (but perhaps the most acceptable reason is her having sex with his boss on his bed).

Fassbender also goes on a date with one of his coworkers (Nicole Beharie) and miraculously, at the end of the night nothing happens. But when they attempt to hook up the next day, he finds himself lacking in that department for whatever reason. Right after (the SHAMEful encounter) he does get it on with a random prostitute though. Hmm.

The relationship between his sister and him get more violent, as his addiction gets more and more prevelant. Cam websites, gay night clubs, ménage à trois, and more. While his path to self destruction is more an implosion and self contained, at the same time, his much more emotional sister is more vocal about the problems that they face, and exploding at an even higher rate.

I think I made that movie sound a lot more epic with that last paragraph. Success!

How good was this movie? So good. It felt incredibly real, in the good way. The high rating is due to the plentiful amount of scenes, and the realistic way most of them were done. For a few reasons.

It was obviously an overly adult subject matter, but it also left a lot to be implied. I think it implies that in their youth, the main characters were probably in an abusive household, that only the two of them really can relate to, which explains why the sister continually insists that they have to keep in touch, and why they don’t talk to their family. I’d say there is also room to suggest that from the abuse, they might have been in an incestuous relationship at one point, but…that one is trickier.

I was very scared one scene where it seemed Fassbender almost came to blows with his sister (while naked!), thinking I was about to see “incest”. But don’t worry guys, not in this film at least.

Other fucked up shit happens instead.

Yes. The acting in the movie is great, and the plot, just not sure how often I’d want to see this movie. Definitely a once every few years type of film.

I was actually excited to finally see Red Tails. I was hoping it would get me out of this mediocre film slump I have been on. I mean. WAR FILMS GUYS. Think of war films. How many would you describe as epic? Probably a lot of them.

So I was ready for another epic movie, that was based on true events, and George Lucas has been trying to get this movie made since the early 90s. Good, the last film I know about that took a jillion years to make was Avatar, and although not the best movie, it was at least stupidly visually awesome.

Oh yeah. Racism. Epic War movie and racism. HOW CAN IT FAIL?

Movie takes place in 1944, where after a long training program, a group of African-American pilots are finally deployed to Europe to begin fighter pilot duties! Italy at that, which is clearly the hot bed of WWII action. Unfortunately they are given pretty old planes and only scouting missions where the enemy hasn’t been seen for months.

We enter with Colonel William Mortamus (Bryan Cranston) trying to shut the program down, calling it failed with their poor numbers. Colonel A.J. Bullard (Terrence Howard) is fighting for his team state side, noting their poor numbers is only because they don’t get any real missions.

Also he has to fight a report that they are not fit for combat at all. But eventually, with the help of Colonel Jack Tomilson (Lee Tergesen) they get a real mission! The news gets back to Major Emanuelle Stance (Cuba Gooding Jr.) who is in command while the Colonel is away, and much celebration occurs! They are to assist Allies landing in some part of Italy, where they have to fend of German air fire.

The crew is lead by Easy (Nate Parker, what the hell kind of nick name is Easy?), but the best pilot is Lightning (David Oyelowo), who also is reckless. Easy unfortunately doubts himself a lot and is prone to the drinking. We also have Junior/Ray-Gun (Tristan Wilds) and Joker (Elijah Kelley) who you can guess their tropes. There are also the less important characters of Neon (Kevin Phillips) and Smoky (Ne-Yo).

But enough about that! They are super successful in their mission, even taking out a German airfield in the process. Sure, Junior gets injured and loses the full ability of one of his eyes, but that probably wont effect him later right? Right? He probably won’t be taken as a POW by the enemy, due to Easy letting him fly so soon.

They eventually get to provide support to Bombers, and end up being the most successful escort crew in the war, killing a lot more Nayzees than Nayzees kill them.

That my friends is the face of a Flawless Victory.

But it wasn’t even flawless. Turns out this film takes a real event and fictionalizes the shit out of it. Characters, events, survivability, and also makes it seem like they never fucked up once they finally got to fight. They were still good in real life, but not so perfect. Even had people in the movie die, much to my surprise. And a love story with an Italian woman hottie!

A lot of the negative press from this movie comes from the fact that it lacked really any character growth, and everyone felt like their own little stereotype throughout the movie. And yeah, well, that was true. The only change you can note is that Easy drunk less eventually, and stopped being a little bitch. But that was barely a change in the movie either.

There is only really three missions we see them go on, and we are left believing that they cured racism and saved the war at the same time. But it didn’t feel epic at all. Plane fights are hard as hell to do, and have always been hard as hell to do. But it doesn’t help that the technology for them felt like the early 90s, when Lucas first decided to make this movie.

For a 19 year project, it sure felt rushed.

I’d like to think that they made This Means War after the successes of Knight and Day and Killers, the former that I love, the later that I don’t ever want to see. I mean, Spies and love seemed to have work. So why not actually make it spies competing for love?

It’s like lets take all the action from those movies, and turn it into zany hijinks to learn secrets about a woman and win her heart?

This is the kind of stuff that encourage people to stalk their loved ones.

Lauren (Reese Witherspoon) is just a girl, who does product testing for a living in a city where she is alone except for one of her good friends (Chelsea Handler). She has relationship problems, because she moved there to be with her ex, who ended up cheating on her. So she dumped him. But she is all alone now! And the ex is totally getting married to the woman who was the cheatee. Damn.

Tuck (Tom Hardy) and FDR (Chris Pine) are CIA operatives who are a bit too reckless, so they get grounded for a bit. Finding themselves with a lot of free time, they go back on the market. Tuck, while being British, also has a young son, and an ex wife (who didn’t like all of his travel as a “Travel Agent”), decides to join a dating website where he meets Lauren. FDR, a ladies man, ends up meeting Lauren at a movie rental place (those exist?) and she doesn’t like him at first, but has to go on a date with him just because he is persistent.

Little do they know they are now pursuing the same girl, so they lay some ground rules. No letting her know their real identities (a given), that they know each other, and definitely no sex, not until she has picked. But they also have to do some CIA things, like stop some Heinrich (Til Schweiger) guy that only kind of matters to the plot. Mostly at the end to fuck things up.

Speaking of fuck things up, Lauren ends up liking both guys, and vice versa, who saw that coming? Her friend encourages her to date both, but when she still can’t decide, the tiebreaker has to go down to the “Fuck test”. Ruh roh. Their job is effected, loss of friends, loss of trust, spy problems, etc. In other news, I wish this was a Warhammer game, because the title could have been more epic.

This. Means. WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAGGHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!

That joke is for a very specific kind of nerd.

Here is where I say there was good and bad parts of the movie, overall just making it okay. I liked the plot actually, but thought it ended lame. I didn’t think there was much chemistry between either couple, although the guys felt like friends for most of the movie.

I didn’t like the force villain approach either. Makes since for them to have to do actually do a job eventually, but eh, if they were grounded, the whole movie could have just been them doing spy things to spy on the girl, and interfere with each others dates. Actual action every once in awhile just felt weird.

None of the performances are too great either. Just okay.

Man On A Ledge, a very descriptive title for a mysterious movie. I was confused when I saw the TV spots for this movie at first, the commercials definitely made it look like it was a TV show. But there was no way an entire show can be based on a guy maybe going to jump off of a building.

Unless it was on AMC, but then those 8 episodes would probably be the most amazing episodes of TV of all time.

But nope, it was a movie. But what the heck was it about? Very sketch previews. I did want to see it in theaters, but alas, no friends to go with. I was hoping it would be another movie like Phone Booth (which I love). But it is in fact, way different.

For instance, phone booths are 9 times out of 10 a safer place to be than a ledge.

The only stuff I will say in this will be known from the first thirty minutes. I mean, you have to get some plot as to why he is on the ledge. If not, you wouldn’t read this part at all!

Nick Cassidy (Sam Worthington) used to be a cop, but got sentenced to jail for a felony. At the funeral of his dad, he found an opportunity to escape, and oh boy did he. He claims he was set up, where he allegedly stole very valuable diamonds from a local real estate / diamond guy (Ed Harris). Even his former partner (Anthony Mackie), despite his claim to innocence.

What does he do with his new found freedom? He makes a fake identity, gets a nice room and goes to stand on the ledge in the middle of NYC. Wooo, a jumper!

He refuses to talk to the original hostage negotiator (Edward Burns) but demands instead Lydia Mercer (Elizabeth Banks), someone who ended up getting a cop killed a month earlier, and the current red headed step child of the police department. Maybe he is just stalling though. He is after all talking secretly in a hands free device to his brother (Jamie Bell) and his brother’s girlfriend (Genesis Rodriguez), who are across the street trying to break into a jewelry vault.

Wait what?!

A lot of the film takes place here though.

Thankfully the film had a lot more going on in it than just a diamond heist. And he wasn’t on the ledge the whole time either. Thanks to things like flash backs, the heist itself, cops doing cop work, and leaving the edge within the last 20 minutes, it is more than a one note thing. It is obviously a metaphor and literal title, given he is on a ledge, and just means a man who has no place else he can go. Either prove his innocence (if he isn’t lying) or die trying. Animal in a corner, and other stuff like that.

It had an okay plot, and a decent heist, but was still probably a bit too long. A few of the potential “oh man, action!” parts are just him acting like he will jump, when we all know it won’t ever happen. Not that early, at least.

The Bucket List, if anything, did have a lot of people talking about it. Most of which I doubt who saw it. I mean, why would you need to? You know exactly what happens in this movie from the title. Two old guys, living their last months to the fullest (somehow) and then probably dying. Both probably have some sort of family problem.

You know all of that, because the movie isn’t about surprises or the best plot, just one of those heartwarming tales that might make your cry or feel good.

That’s why it has took me til now to watch it. Really no need, but hey, I had to watch it eventually. Not because of a lame joke about needing to watch it before I died, just because I owned it and needed to watch it.

Before I died. >.>

Unrelated Orange picture? Or the rage you feel right now as I babble?

Blah Blah Blah. Morgan Freeman is an old man, mechanic, pretty smart because he reads a lot. Has a wife, Beverly Todd, has faith, and has a big family. But then he gets a terminal illness. Jack Nicholson, uber rich guy gets put in his room, also with cancer. Sharing rooms?! Yes, because he was a mean hospital owner and said each room needs two beds, to maximize efficiency and make more money. So when he finally gets sick and wants his own room, his assistant, Sean Hayes, won’t let him, as it’d be a horrible PR move.

Chemo happens, it sucks. And eventually they bond. Jack see’s Morgan’s bucket list, full of ridiculous items, like being President, and tells him they should both do it. Leave his family, travel the world, money is no option, fuck the metaphors. And eventually he says sure. Skydiving, racing, Great Wall Of China, Pyramids, etc.

But how far will Morgan go to experience life to the fullest? A man who has only been with one woman, who he has left her behind to see the world? Also, will Jack be less of a dick, and visit his family for once in his life? I think you know the answer to both of them.

Chances of green screens being involved? Pretty high.

But was I entertained is the bigger question?

Ehh not really. Morgan Freeman’s character made a good argument why he should get the chance to do whatever he wants before he ends his life, which he seems to have gotten chastised for by everyone for doing it. Bitches, please. Even Freeman’s acting I thought was just okay. But Jack Nicholson had a much more powerful character to me, and thought he did a lot better.

He was also the only character we got to see keeling over in cancer pain. Correlation?

But yeah, this movie did absolutely nothing to me, and despite the fact that people will still make a lot more bucket list references for the next few years, I will never see it again.

Sucker Punch was a highly anticipated movie when I first saw the previews on TV. I mean, it just looked visually stunning. I knew absolutely nothing on the plot, I just knew that I wanted to see it.

And I did! In theaters. Leaving with mixed reviews. Despite that, I knew I still one day also wanted to see it on Blu-Ray. Because man was it pretty.

OMG SAMURAI BEASTS.

I won’t spend too much time with the plot, because it is up for interpretation technically how much of it is real, and how many layers of fantasy are involved. Why is it up for interpretation? Because I said so.

Movie begins with Babydoll (Emily Browning) fighting off her step dad, who wins and puts her in a mental institution, now that the mom is dead, so he can claim the inheritance. But right as she is about to get lobotomized by the doctor (Jon Hamm!) it switches to a brothel of some sorts, with young women dancers, recreating the exact scene. Because Lobotomies are hot. Sweet Pea (Abbie Cornish) is the star of the Brothel, but Babydoll is a new girl brought in from the Orphanage. She doesn’t talk much and seems upset.

Probably because she is in a brothel. The other main girls there are Rocket (Jena Malone), Blondie (Vanessa Hudgens), Amber (Jamie Chung), taught by the dance instructor (Carla Gugino). But when she is made to dance, she goes on a weird fantasy adventure, where the Wise Man (Scott Glenn) tells her how to escape, and the items she needs to collect, along with a secret item.

So Babydoll makes it her mission to go and collect these items, while every time she dances, she goes into one of these fantasy trances, whether it is versus the steampunk nazi federation, and robot trains, and etc. But what is really going on the whole time? And how the heck does she look when she dances? Also, Oscar Isaac plays the Brothel owner / main bad guy.

Lot of action violence, all done by tiny women!

Some will say that the only reason this exists is for men to have things to oogle. But pfft, people don’t make movies like that. More specifically, to make nerd guys go crazy. But nerd guys realize they also want a good plot with their crazy action fantasy movies featuring a cast of mostly women. The plot is obviously the weakest part of this movie. It is incredibly nonsensical and hard to explain.

That isn’t the only problem. Some of the fantasy scenes are just WAY too long. I think the first one with the full group of women, I feel like it drags on forever. I was thinking we’d never go back to the main plot line of the movie, escape from the Brothel. These scenes could have been editted down a lot more, to make the pacing better and probably more enjoyable.

But also, this CGI fest is just…so pretty.

Just to prove a point, here is a third picture.

And it is so fucking stunning. Just think, if the plot was better and edited it down, this could have been the coolest experience ever!

Lower Learning is a brand new take on the corrupt and out of control high school where the students and teachers have to fight back in order to not get closed down.

And that just means it takes place in an elementary school instead.

Mad Libs is also instant entertainment.

Jason Biggs is a vice principal at an elementary school, where life sucks every day. He feels like he does nothing with his job, mostly because the principal Rob Corddry doesn’t let him. He just goes to work, has a boring day, and goes home to his boring life. But out of the blue, he sees Eva Longoria, whom he went to school with. He was nerdy back then but always had a crush on her. But she has bad news, at the end of the day the school will be closing down.

Oh noes! Well it makes sense, when you have teachers who are depressed and drinking, Monica Potter, having weird boxing style tournaments, Will Sasso, incredibly good at teaching but inappropriately talking about sex, Nat Fixon, while also going after the nurse, Jill Latiano, it all just makes sense. Others are on drugs, some refuse to teach. No fucks are given at this school, except by Biggs.

It is more weird when he finds out that no one seems to care. Tenure and shit. But something else is off, why is the principal trying so hard to get the school shut down? Secret embezzlement of millions of dollars you say? That’s strange indeed! Also Ed Helms has a small role as a board member who is way too needy.

I mean, he was losing to a GIRL.

As the plot unfolded I thought it was kind of interesting. Some of the jokes given by the teachers were pretty good as well.

But it did not unravel the way I had expected. It got a bit lamer, and lamer, until the ending was a big…ehh whatever. Worst unfurling ever.

That is pretty much the only way I can described it. Kind of interesting, yet getting more and more disappointing. High potential, low follow through. It just felt like train wreck. Assuming I knew what those felt like.

I am proud that I used unfolded unravel, and unfurled though.

Ooh, Noise. That would be either some vague horror movie, or another remake of The Grinch.

Obviously it is neither, but man, wouldn’t some gritty remake of The Grinch be cool? Something rated R, yet also still not a horror movie.

I’d watch it.

Quick googling says there is no such thing as a Gritty Grinch. Yet.

Instead of my bizarre idea, this movie goes one step bizarrier (Level 2 spell?). It stars mild mannered Tim Robbins. He lives and works in New York city, with his wife, Bridget Moynahan, and their young daughter. But every night the same thing happens. The noise never stops. More specifically, the car alarms, but all the excess noises are a big problem in his eyes.

It makes the baby wake up, and makes it so no one can sleep well, and also makes him limp. Err. Well because the cops never seem to do something about it, he decides to do his own punishment. First he starts slow, deflating a tire or whatever. But eventually he is full on rage mode, smashing the window open to pop the trunk, to cut the line to the battery, just to shut it off. 3 minutes is too long for an alarm to go, given that most people ignore alarms anyways and probably do more harm than good.

He becomes known as The Rectifier, a sort of vigilante punishing those who don’t turn off their alarms. He does try to use the courts to his advantage, but each time his case is thrown out. After his wife makes him leave for his obsession, he meets a Russian student, Margarita Levieva, who helps him start a simple petition to change some car alarm laws and make it fine-able which gets huge support. But the Mayor (William Hurt) and his assistant (William Baldwin) don’t like it just because it seems to support vigilantism, so they put a stop to it.

So it becomes up to Tim Robbins to find a way to get his law passed, any means possible.

Look at all that rage. Yeah, he clearly mad.

I will keep this short and sweet. This movie was weird, yes, which I like. The beginning felt pretty good but died down after about twenty or so minutes. The ending was also strong, I liked what he decided to do in order to finally get his ordinance passed. But a whole lot of the middle was kind of boring. I didn’t even like their quick country plantation visit, where he found that the noise problems still exist outside of the city.

It is a bad problem, no one likes it but everyone accepts it and his character cannot fathom why they should accept it any longer. So he decides to spend a long time trying to combat it, and it is kind of awesome in an “unexpected hero” sort of way. I was surprised this wasn’t based on some real life story of a guy who hated the alarms that much.

But man, if it was a bit better in the middle, this movie would be a lot better.