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Man On A Ledge, a very descriptive title for a mysterious movie. I was confused when I saw the TV spots for this movie at first, the commercials definitely made it look like it was a TV show. But there was no way an entire show can be based on a guy maybe going to jump off of a building.

Unless it was on AMC, but then those 8 episodes would probably be the most amazing episodes of TV of all time.

But nope, it was a movie. But what the heck was it about? Very sketch previews. I did want to see it in theaters, but alas, no friends to go with. I was hoping it would be another movie like Phone Booth (which I love). But it is in fact, way different.

For instance, phone booths are 9 times out of 10 a safer place to be than a ledge.

The only stuff I will say in this will be known from the first thirty minutes. I mean, you have to get some plot as to why he is on the ledge. If not, you wouldn’t read this part at all!

Nick Cassidy (Sam Worthington) used to be a cop, but got sentenced to jail for a felony. At the funeral of his dad, he found an opportunity to escape, and oh boy did he. He claims he was set up, where he allegedly stole very valuable diamonds from a local real estate / diamond guy (Ed Harris). Even his former partner (Anthony Mackie), despite his claim to innocence.

What does he do with his new found freedom? He makes a fake identity, gets a nice room and goes to stand on the ledge in the middle of NYC. Wooo, a jumper!

He refuses to talk to the original hostage negotiator (Edward Burns) but demands instead Lydia Mercer (Elizabeth Banks), someone who ended up getting a cop killed a month earlier, and the current red headed step child of the police department. Maybe he is just stalling though. He is after all talking secretly in a hands free device to his brother (Jamie Bell) and his brother’s girlfriend (Genesis Rodriguez), who are across the street trying to break into a jewelry vault.

Wait what?!

A lot of the film takes place here though.

Thankfully the film had a lot more going on in it than just a diamond heist. And he wasn’t on the ledge the whole time either. Thanks to things like flash backs, the heist itself, cops doing cop work, and leaving the edge within the last 20 minutes, it is more than a one note thing. It is obviously a metaphor and literal title, given he is on a ledge, and just means a man who has no place else he can go. Either prove his innocence (if he isn’t lying) or die trying. Animal in a corner, and other stuff like that.

It had an okay plot, and a decent heist, but was still probably a bit too long. A few of the potential “oh man, action!” parts are just him acting like he will jump, when we all know it won’t ever happen. Not that early, at least.

The Bucket List, if anything, did have a lot of people talking about it. Most of which I doubt who saw it. I mean, why would you need to? You know exactly what happens in this movie from the title. Two old guys, living their last months to the fullest (somehow) and then probably dying. Both probably have some sort of family problem.

You know all of that, because the movie isn’t about surprises or the best plot, just one of those heartwarming tales that might make your cry or feel good.

That’s why it has took me til now to watch it. Really no need, but hey, I had to watch it eventually. Not because of a lame joke about needing to watch it before I died, just because I owned it and needed to watch it.

Before I died. >.>

Unrelated Orange picture? Or the rage you feel right now as I babble?

Blah Blah Blah. Morgan Freeman is an old man, mechanic, pretty smart because he reads a lot. Has a wife, Beverly Todd, has faith, and has a big family. But then he gets a terminal illness. Jack Nicholson, uber rich guy gets put in his room, also with cancer. Sharing rooms?! Yes, because he was a mean hospital owner and said each room needs two beds, to maximize efficiency and make more money. So when he finally gets sick and wants his own room, his assistant, Sean Hayes, won’t let him, as it’d be a horrible PR move.

Chemo happens, it sucks. And eventually they bond. Jack see’s Morgan’s bucket list, full of ridiculous items, like being President, and tells him they should both do it. Leave his family, travel the world, money is no option, fuck the metaphors. And eventually he says sure. Skydiving, racing, Great Wall Of China, Pyramids, etc.

But how far will Morgan go to experience life to the fullest? A man who has only been with one woman, who he has left her behind to see the world? Also, will Jack be less of a dick, and visit his family for once in his life? I think you know the answer to both of them.

Chances of green screens being involved? Pretty high.

But was I entertained is the bigger question?

Ehh not really. Morgan Freeman’s character made a good argument why he should get the chance to do whatever he wants before he ends his life, which he seems to have gotten chastised for by everyone for doing it. Bitches, please. Even Freeman’s acting I thought was just okay. But Jack Nicholson had a much more powerful character to me, and thought he did a lot better.

He was also the only character we got to see keeling over in cancer pain. Correlation?

But yeah, this movie did absolutely nothing to me, and despite the fact that people will still make a lot more bucket list references for the next few years, I will never see it again.

Sucker Punch was a highly anticipated movie when I first saw the previews on TV. I mean, it just looked visually stunning. I knew absolutely nothing on the plot, I just knew that I wanted to see it.

And I did! In theaters. Leaving with mixed reviews. Despite that, I knew I still one day also wanted to see it on Blu-Ray. Because man was it pretty.

OMG SAMURAI BEASTS.

I won’t spend too much time with the plot, because it is up for interpretation technically how much of it is real, and how many layers of fantasy are involved. Why is it up for interpretation? Because I said so.

Movie begins with Babydoll (Emily Browning) fighting off her step dad, who wins and puts her in a mental institution, now that the mom is dead, so he can claim the inheritance. But right as she is about to get lobotomized by the doctor (Jon Hamm!) it switches to a brothel of some sorts, with young women dancers, recreating the exact scene. Because Lobotomies are hot. Sweet Pea (Abbie Cornish) is the star of the Brothel, but Babydoll is a new girl brought in from the Orphanage. She doesn’t talk much and seems upset.

Probably because she is in a brothel. The other main girls there are Rocket (Jena Malone), Blondie (Vanessa Hudgens), Amber (Jamie Chung), taught by the dance instructor (Carla Gugino). But when she is made to dance, she goes on a weird fantasy adventure, where the Wise Man (Scott Glenn) tells her how to escape, and the items she needs to collect, along with a secret item.

So Babydoll makes it her mission to go and collect these items, while every time she dances, she goes into one of these fantasy trances, whether it is versus the steampunk nazi federation, and robot trains, and etc. But what is really going on the whole time? And how the heck does she look when she dances? Also, Oscar Isaac plays the Brothel owner / main bad guy.

Lot of action violence, all done by tiny women!

Some will say that the only reason this exists is for men to have things to oogle. But pfft, people don’t make movies like that. More specifically, to make nerd guys go crazy. But nerd guys realize they also want a good plot with their crazy action fantasy movies featuring a cast of mostly women. The plot is obviously the weakest part of this movie. It is incredibly nonsensical and hard to explain.

That isn’t the only problem. Some of the fantasy scenes are just WAY too long. I think the first one with the full group of women, I feel like it drags on forever. I was thinking we’d never go back to the main plot line of the movie, escape from the Brothel. These scenes could have been editted down a lot more, to make the pacing better and probably more enjoyable.

But also, this CGI fest is just…so pretty.

Just to prove a point, here is a third picture.

And it is so fucking stunning. Just think, if the plot was better and edited it down, this could have been the coolest experience ever!

Lower Learning is a brand new take on the corrupt and out of control high school where the students and teachers have to fight back in order to not get closed down.

And that just means it takes place in an elementary school instead.

Mad Libs is also instant entertainment.

Jason Biggs is a vice principal at an elementary school, where life sucks every day. He feels like he does nothing with his job, mostly because the principal Rob Corddry doesn’t let him. He just goes to work, has a boring day, and goes home to his boring life. But out of the blue, he sees Eva Longoria, whom he went to school with. He was nerdy back then but always had a crush on her. But she has bad news, at the end of the day the school will be closing down.

Oh noes! Well it makes sense, when you have teachers who are depressed and drinking, Monica Potter, having weird boxing style tournaments, Will Sasso, incredibly good at teaching but inappropriately talking about sex, Nat Fixon, while also going after the nurse, Jill Latiano, it all just makes sense. Others are on drugs, some refuse to teach. No fucks are given at this school, except by Biggs.

It is more weird when he finds out that no one seems to care. Tenure and shit. But something else is off, why is the principal trying so hard to get the school shut down? Secret embezzlement of millions of dollars you say? That’s strange indeed! Also Ed Helms has a small role as a board member who is way too needy.

I mean, he was losing to a GIRL.

As the plot unfolded I thought it was kind of interesting. Some of the jokes given by the teachers were pretty good as well.

But it did not unravel the way I had expected. It got a bit lamer, and lamer, until the ending was a big…ehh whatever. Worst unfurling ever.

That is pretty much the only way I can described it. Kind of interesting, yet getting more and more disappointing. High potential, low follow through. It just felt like train wreck. Assuming I knew what those felt like.

I am proud that I used unfolded unravel, and unfurled though.

Ooh, Noise. That would be either some vague horror movie, or another remake of The Grinch.

Obviously it is neither, but man, wouldn’t some gritty remake of The Grinch be cool? Something rated R, yet also still not a horror movie.

I’d watch it.

Quick googling says there is no such thing as a Gritty Grinch. Yet.

Instead of my bizarre idea, this movie goes one step bizarrier (Level 2 spell?). It stars mild mannered Tim Robbins. He lives and works in New York city, with his wife, Bridget Moynahan, and their young daughter. But every night the same thing happens. The noise never stops. More specifically, the car alarms, but all the excess noises are a big problem in his eyes.

It makes the baby wake up, and makes it so no one can sleep well, and also makes him limp. Err. Well because the cops never seem to do something about it, he decides to do his own punishment. First he starts slow, deflating a tire or whatever. But eventually he is full on rage mode, smashing the window open to pop the trunk, to cut the line to the battery, just to shut it off. 3 minutes is too long for an alarm to go, given that most people ignore alarms anyways and probably do more harm than good.

He becomes known as The Rectifier, a sort of vigilante punishing those who don’t turn off their alarms. He does try to use the courts to his advantage, but each time his case is thrown out. After his wife makes him leave for his obsession, he meets a Russian student, Margarita Levieva, who helps him start a simple petition to change some car alarm laws and make it fine-able which gets huge support. But the Mayor (William Hurt) and his assistant (William Baldwin) don’t like it just because it seems to support vigilantism, so they put a stop to it.

So it becomes up to Tim Robbins to find a way to get his law passed, any means possible.

Look at all that rage. Yeah, he clearly mad.

I will keep this short and sweet. This movie was weird, yes, which I like. The beginning felt pretty good but died down after about twenty or so minutes. The ending was also strong, I liked what he decided to do in order to finally get his ordinance passed. But a whole lot of the middle was kind of boring. I didn’t even like their quick country plantation visit, where he found that the noise problems still exist outside of the city.

It is a bad problem, no one likes it but everyone accepts it and his character cannot fathom why they should accept it any longer. So he decides to spend a long time trying to combat it, and it is kind of awesome in an “unexpected hero” sort of way. I was surprised this wasn’t based on some real life story of a guy who hated the alarms that much.

But man, if it was a bit better in the middle, this movie would be a lot better.

I first heard about this movie before it came out to theaters, a friend of mine saw the trailer and shared it and I was like, whoa, this looks pretty awesome.

I then “forgot about it” in that I could not remember the name. At all. I remembered what it was about. But the name?! I kept confusing it with Project X, not for similar subject matter, but I could imagine a lame title like that for the trailer I saw. It wasn’t until a few days ago when someone suggested I watch Chronicle. I was like, “Chronicle? Never heard of it, let me go to IMD-OH MAN THAT MOVIE!”

I was seconds away from downloading it illegally too, but don’t worry, it came out on DVD/Blu-Ray Tuesday!

Ah, they don’t look worried.

Andrew (Dane DeHaan) is a kid in high school, who is bullied and generally keeps to himself. He lives in a bad household too, where his mom (Bo Petersen) is dying of cancer and his dad (Michael Kelly) beats him and is verbally abusive. Because of this he decides to video tape his life as a self project, so that others can know what he goes through, have the last moments of his mom, etc.

People find it weird. People HATE being video taped, they just assume he is creepy. He is feeling all bad at a party his cousin, Matt (Alex Russell) made him go to, when Steve (Michael B. Jordan) the popular high school president friend of Matt makes him grab his camera to check out something cool. Matt and Steve found a huge hole in the ground that makes weird noises! So of course they investigate it. Well they find a giant blue crystal, weird noises, gives them headaches and nose bleeds, and breaks the camera.

Three weeks later? Oh hey look, telekinesis.

They figure out that it works like a muscle. Gets stronger the more they practice with it, and nosebleeds happen every time they exert too much power. Basic things cause it at first, but eventually these bitches can move cars. And fly! But dissension occurs amongst the ranks, as they realize certain things are bad, but other people don’t like being controlled. They plan to fly around the world together, after they graduation. Maybe visit those Tibet monks.

You know, as long as they don’t start fighting it out all telekinetic power wise, and have people die and shit.

I am just going to leave this here.

In case you didn’t know, this is a “hand held camera” movie, but don’t worry, it isn’t some found footage crap. It is just showing the film through whatever video collecting device was running at the time. Whatever it may be! That three week pause is because he didn’t get a new camera, so we get to avoid the delay of discovering they have powers, straight to them playing with them and figuring out what they can’t do. I didn’t find the camera too distracting either, and it kind of helped out the movie in a lot of ways just feel more realistic.

Matt’s pseudo love interest (Ashley Hinshaw) is supposed to help ground Matt, I guess, who might secretly be a smart guy but afraid to show it or else not be popular? Pretty much that aspect of his character is the only thing I didn’t like. He said a feel philosophical things, but they always felt a bit random to me and I think they threw that aspect into the character without fully defining the why aspects.

But everything after that I loved. The visual effects for this movie were great and like I said, everything just felt super real. Predictable events don’t always mean a bad thing, because even if you know which character is going to turn mean, you don’t know what he is going to do when he IS mean.

I am not why I keep getting surprised every time I see another recent but unknown movie starring Jesse Eisenberg. This guy seems to be in everything released in the last four years. He is bigger than sliced bread.

But what is more surprising about The Education of Charlie Banks is that it was directed by Fred Durst. Yes, that Fred Durst.

Official Chocolate Starfish of Baseball.

This movie is set in the past! OooOooOoOo. Mostly the 80s, where everybody was fly. Except for Charlie Banks (Eisenberg), because he was lame. He was also picked on by a bully, that no good Mick (Jason Ritter). He made his and other people’s lives miserable. But Charlie got him back. After Mick had beat up two people to near death levels at a party, he had called the cops and snitched, to get him arrested. I mean, for all he knew he was a murderer!

Now Charlie is a freshman in college, living with his roommate Danny (Chris Marquette, a rich guy they all grew up with. Hell, even Danny was friends with Mick before the incident, and knows not of the snitching of his current roommate Charlie. But guess who shows up for a visit?

Mick! Of course, out of Jail. What starts as a quick visit turns into a long stay as Mick begins to wear their clothes, read their books, attend their classes, and even hit on their womens! Or at least the girl Charlie Banks was crushing on (Eva Amurri Martino). He also still has some violent tendencies, but he might be changing. Or it is all a ruse, and Charlie is freaking out because he thinks Mick knows about his ratting him out, and he is here for some long torturous revenge.

But Charlie deserves some of it. He let Mick come and sit right there during naked hot tub time.

I think this could have been a very good story, but it failed to tell it in a desirable way. The title still doesn’t really make sense. Charlie Banks really doesn’t even change much in the film. He kind of stands up to Mick at the end, but that isn’t even what he should have learned throughout it all. Moral is also not that snitching is bad. Hell, I don’t know what the lesson really was?

People can change, but also makes it seem like people can’t at the same time. This is the worst role I have seen Jesse Eisenberg play, and think he fails quite hard at it. But that Jason Ritter guy? He kicks ass in this movie. The way he plays the reformed maybe bully, either trying hard to fit in and suppress his normal urges, or some dominating personality watching to slowly torture the guy who ruined his life. Unfortunately as the only good acting performance in the movie, with a pretty messy story, leaves it with a fail.

Hey, I bet by the name alone that you will think Eagle vs Shark is a super weird comedy?

Yep.

I don’t usually want people to judge the movie by its cover, but using the cover to help get yourself in the right mood has never been a bad thing.

Yep, it is going to be one of those kind of movies.

This is a movie about socially awkward people, and love. Lily (Loren Horsley) lives with her brother (Joel Tobeck), who is a cartoonist, while she works at a burger joint. They are devoid of good technology apparently, because after she takes an order from the customer, she apparently has to walk back and tell the kitchen. Fast food joints there are weird.

Either way she was picked “randomly” to have her job cut, because corporate demanded it, so she is kind of meh, and decides to try and get that cute customer who always walks in, Jarrod (Jemaine Clement) on his lunch break. After finally talking with him, he asks her to invite another girl to his “Animal” party, where everyone dresses up as their favorite animal. There is also a video game fighting tournament, which she kicks ass at. Then they awkwardly kiss and have some sex.

Hooray, now kind of dating. But Jarrod is a jerk, yet she still likes him. He convinces the brother to drive them to his parents house (pretty far away). He hates his family, but he is there for revenge, to KILL someone! A bully in middle school, who used to beat him and others up all the time. Well now after all his training (Video games) he is ready to take him on once he returns from afar.

But also his family doesn’t seem to be impressed enough by Lily, so he kind of breaks up with her, in the middle of the stay, with no way to leave.

Yep. More asshole than awkward. Either way, the rest of the trip is super weird and the eventual fight and return. And shit, that is about it.

Looks like Business Time to me.

I can’t say I am expert on New Zealand film, as this might be the only one I have seen. Definitely seen NZ tv shows, if we say Flight of the Conchords counts. But it is definitely a lot dryer and maybe sometimes subtler than other forms of humor.

And it is about 100% of this movie. Sure it has its wtf moments as well, but most of it is relied just on the awkwardness of the two individuals, in the situation they are in and trying to be politer at all times. Very proper New Zealand tactics.

This movie wasn’t any where close to amazing, but it wasn’t horrible either. At least it tried something new, where new is just…mostly nothing.

Ready for a vague ass movie review? Because you are about to get one.

Why? Because The Nines is weird. Super weird. And weird stuff happens early on that I didn’t see coming and I think it is essential to the story to not know about it ahead of time.

Literally clicking on the imdb link and looking at the cast list may be enough to make you go “Wait, what?” and give some spoilers away.

So let’s see what the hell I come up with!

EVEN THIS IS A SPOILER. Wait. No. Just a mouse trap.

The movie begins with Gary (Ryan Reynolds) being a pretty troubled dude. He is an actor, and just got into an accident. Maybe some naracotics were involved. He also had burned down his house. So now he is in another house, and under house arrest. He hears noises and thinks the house is haunted so he tries to run away, but the cops find him and put an ankle bracelet on. Not before a strange encounter with a deaf girl (Elle Fanning).

Shit! Not only that, but his publisher Margaret (Melissa McCarthy) now is moving into the mansion with him, to keep a watch and keep him from going insane. She didn’t know that there was also a neighbor Sarah (Hope Davis), who he has been talking to who is also under “house arrest” because of her baby.

But once they do meet, you can tell they don’t like each other (it isn’t subtle. They argue), and are arguing about the truth and Gary finding out. Finding out what? Why 9s keep popping up and notes about “The Nines” that he doesn’t understand? And what WILL happen when he leaves the premises of his house again?

Cue crazy shit.

For all you know, this might be in the movie, and not just a random cute koala.

Uhh. So it was a weird movie, and the plot summary I gave was only the first third. It is broken up into three parts, all pretty different from each other, yet weirdly connected. IMDB has the summary as

A troubled actor, a television show runner, and an acclaimed videogame designer find their lives intertwining in mysterious and unsettling ways.

Which is true! But also still a bit misleading. It definitely goes into a psychological/potentially spiritual direction that I didn’t see coming. And earlier on, when a chant of “Nine!” happened, it actually scared me and I was worried I was about to watch some screwed up Horror movie. Thankfully, it wasn’t really as scary after that, just weird.

While I like that it leaves it for some sort of interpretation and deeper meaning, I still think it could have been a lot better. I don’t think any of the main three cast members put on a great performance, all of it mostly just ehh. Thankfully the mystery kept me interested. I am not mad at what the ending turned out to be, but overall, I think they could have one a lot better on the story.

Ohh boy, Perfect Sense? I love movies about sense. I don’t love the notion that they like to assume that there is only five senses still, but I do like talking about them nonetheless.

But add in the possible end of the world? Well then yeah, that sounds like a double winner for me.

Who knows what they are doing underneath those masks!

Ewan McGregor is being all British and living in Glasgow, as a pretty fancy Chef. He meets a girl who is not at all impressed by him at first, Eva Green. But he is consistent, yelling from the alleys and what not. She is an epidemiologist. Someone who studies health events, disease spreads and what not.

Which gives an inside scoop as to what is happening. They randomly have some dude who lost his ability to smell completely. They are keeping him quarentened to determine if it is contagious, and doesn’t appear to be.

Yet it spreads. First people start crying uncontrollably, and once they are done, their smell is completely gone. Soon after that, their taste. Needless to say, once smell and taste are gone, people are less likely to go to a fancy restaurant. Seems pointless. Yet still, people must eat!

These are the minor complications of what is going on. It shows how people react to them throughout the world, but that isn’t the main point of the movie. It is the love between the two characters that develop. Unfortunately, and no one has any idea why, eventually after taste goes, the ability to hear falters too. Well fuck. That makes everything difficult. And even further after that, sight.

Needless to say, something effecting everyone around the world to slowly lose most of their abilities to perceive the world is kind of a bitch. People flip out, looting, and a general fear of leaving the house. What if you leave and become blind and already can’t hear? Fucked then. TV stations seem to be flashing the message of hope, that they are looking for the problem, to stay inside, etc. But does it work.

Further more, once Ewan and Eva have a big fight and leave each others lives, will they be able to find each other again before it all goes black? Or you know, will it all go back to normal?

Also featuring Connie Nielson, as Eva’s sister, and Stephen Dillane, as another cook.

But neither are worthy of a picture, when there could be a picture of Ewan sitting down instead.

Pretty crazy circumstances to build a love story around, I say. And It is AWESOME that they tried it. Well done.

But I think a lot of the delivery I overhyped, and was left wanting a bit more. The final scene? Yeah, it was good and romantic up to the gills. Which is what they really wanted to do. But I still think it was missing something.

The narrator of the movie bugged the crap out of me. She talked a lot, but not about a lot of different things. Just love, true love, etc. I got the point, and wished the movie could have just played out without all the interruptions.

Also took me awhile to figure out that some of the events were shown out of order. No need to play games with me movie. I am already dealing with sensory loss.