Day: August 4, 2016

Damn it. I knew there was probably going to be a Sharknado 4, I just pretended to live in a world where it wouldn’t happen. Once I knew I was watching this movie, I figured I had to review it too. Which means I am even more disappointed that my Sharknado 3 was written as if I wasn’t actually writing a review. Like the movie was beneath me.

I am disappointed, because that was my first idea when I set off to write this review. Damn it. I am an idea thief, from myself!

Oh well, there are worse things you could be. Like someone who wants to be part of Sharknado 4.

I feel like those nuts are a metaphor for myself.

Despite the third film ending with April Shepard (Tara Reid) potentially dying, we don’t get to find out right away. Apparently there was a fan vote to see if she lived or died. And now, this movie takes place five years later, with Fin (Ian Ziering) dealing with his family and no April in his life.

Oh, and since the last movie, no Sharknadoes either. A company, Astro X, has developed technology that lets them use weather science to stop any tornado that begins to form. Their leader Aston Reynolds (Tommy Davidson) is now super rich and famous, and he even made a shark themed Vegas hotel and casino to show how baller he was. Well, now that Fin, his son (Cody Linley), and his son’s fiance (Imani Hakim) are in Vegas to have a wedding, things of course go bad.

Because a sandstorm happens. A big one. Astro X cannot stop a sandstorm. It hits the hotel, sharks happen, they call it a sandnado and everyone loses their minds.

Because in this movie, it isn’t tornadoes getting formed. It is a sandstorm and blizzard and water spout stuff. All of which gain sharks somehow, they don’t even try to explain it well this time. Except these things also gain boulders, lightning, fire, oil, and yes, nuclear bombs, just so people can name them worse and worse names.

Other people in this movie include Masiela Lusha, David Hasselhoff, Gary Busey, and Gilbert Gottfried.

Also pirates! Kids are still into pirates, right?

Fuck me gently with a chainsaw, Heather. As expected, this film was a painful 90 minutes of my life. The plot moves so quickly, nothing important is really ever to develop. The action scenes are shit, the CGI is bad, and the acting is worse.

“But Gorgon Reviews!” someone might wail. “That is the point of this film, to be bad and funny because of it! Entertainment, popcorn fun!” Hey, straw man, go fuck yourself. There is a god damn difference between so bad it is enjoyable, and so bad it is bad. The difference lies in intent.

In the so bad it is good field, the movies that were being made were made by people who truly thought they were making something wonderful. Tommy Wiseau thought he was making a serious, amazing drama with The Room. I do not mean that they are only good if someone is incredibly wrong in their vision. But in these films you have some heart and attempt to make a good product and well, shit goes wrong.

It is the reason why Birdemic is amusing and Birdemic 2 is not. In the sequel, they set off to make a shit film, and you know what, it was a shit film and not worth anyone’s time. If they are so bad, you cannot even appropriately rip on them with your drunk friends, because the films do everything for you already. You cannot be clever about it and you would say the same thing that anyone else watching it would say.

The Sharknado and other recent SyFy terrible movies are basically the physical moving representation of this comic. Fake praise from internet fanboys needs to stop at this point, because damn it, the joke wasn’t good the first time, and now this is the fourth time we have heard it.

Not surprisingly, this will make my worst of the year list. Surprisingly, there are still films that were worse.

“Welcome to It’s a Nutty, Nutty, Nutty World. We’re just nuts about nuts. Crunch nuts with your lunch. Buy them by the bunch. Send them to friends far away to munch.” That is by far my favorite quote from the TV show Daria, and technically, no, it has nothing to do with this documentary.

Because Nuts! isn’t about the kind that you eat as a light snack. Oh no, no, no. We’re talking about testicles. And I am not just talking about human testicles either. That documentary wouldn’t be ballsy enough. No, we are talking about human testicles and goat testicles. Goat testicles that built and industry and caused one man in the early 1900’s to rise above his citizen status and become a master. A master of what? Well, of testicles I guess. But also, technology and electioneering.

But I am getting ahead of myself. John Romulus Brinkley is a self appointed genius and sort of hero of this sort of true biographical documentary. He was raised poor and lived a meager existence, but one day he found himself in Milford, Kansas to start a new life. He opened a decent sized small town clinic, paid well and made everyone healthy and happy.

Then he also experimented with goat testicles. He had the idea to put male goat testicle glands into a human male testicle as a way of curing impotence. And guess what? Guess what? Are you guessing? Apparently that shit worked.

Because the Noble Goat is the healthiest of all mammals and a strong sex drive, just doing a nice transplant can help a man impregnant ladies! And don’t worry, the babies are all human, not strange hybrids. This is where he got his rise to fame.

Of course, absolutely no one in the medical community believed him. They called him a quack, a fraud, a faker, and wanted him to stop. But John Brinkley is a man who was ten foot tall and nothing was going to break his stride.

Or his stare into our souls.

Now, obviously Brinkley is quite an interesting character. But he kept doing the nut stuff. He also invested money in a giant radio antennae, which ended up being one of the biggest in the country at that point. So he also became a big name in the radio. Soon he had the precursor to the FCC also on his door, with the doctors, getting him to stop. So he then decided to run for Governor of the state, after all, people liked him. And he might have won too as a write in candidate, but there was some sketchy stuff there.

Eventually he moved to Texas, changed his radio tower to be a big one in Mexico to avoid US regulations, and developed a formula from goat testicles to cure impotence to not spend so much time in surgery. That’s right, this man, this genius, did so many things and none of you have ever heard about him.

And that is another reason why this documentary is so fascinating. Using archival footage when necessary, and animation at other times, we get to look into the life of a self proclaimed scientific hero, who dabbled successfully in many other aspects of life. The animation with real-ish dialogue from court room scenes and more are fascinating to witness and the voice work really brings out the personality of the characters. The real life historians who are familiar with Brinkley are also featured throughout to give his glimpses into his life.

Overall, this documentary is just so well crafted. Every scene, beginning to end, fully committed to this man’s story and to teach the viewer about someone unique in American history. So many documentaries exist on already incredibly famous people, teaching us only a few useful new facts and claiming to be the best. This is a story that most people would have never heard and actually accomplishes its point to inform the viewer. I loved it. I loved the way it was presented, I loved the topic man, and I loved how it unfolded.

I’m just nuts, about Nuts!