Month: December 2015

Drugs are bad, mmkay. They put people in jail, they cost billions of dollars, they can lead to death via shootouts and they fund terrorist organizations. Sure, they can harm your body, but who cares about that? That shouldn’t be an issue.

In fact, if they were made legal, a lot of issues would go away. Shootouts will go down, jails would be emptied, they wouldn’t cost as much, and it wouldn’t help terrorist organizations. If the US just changed their mind and made it all government sanctioned, it would help a lot of crime ridden areas of the world.

Like Mexico. A lot of drugs are grown or manufactured there and brought over the border to be sold in America. They can use this money for weapons and political power, meaning drug cartels control large areas, both physically and through bribes. And that is what Cartel Land is about. Groups of people using force to win back their homes from the evils that threaten it.

And this man even has a doctorate.

The trick here is I said groups of people. We have a group in Michoacán, led by Dr. Jose Mireles, a small town doctor, who made a group named Autodefensas. They are just groups of locals who want to get the cartel, a group who calls themselves the Templars, out! They are all volunteers, still holding their normal jobs and lifestyles, but they also have shifts to keep perimeter checks after they forced the group out. Even better, they then take their work ethic and guns, go to nearby cities and villages, get the cartel out, and help the citizens set up their own Autodefensas group.

Then they leave. They aren’t looking to take over the whole area and rule it over their own corrupt national government.

On the other side of the coin and border, we also have Tim “Nailer” Foley, an American veteran in Arizona who sees illegal immigrants crossing the border all the time. He helped set up a small paramilitary group to patrol the border and stop being from bringing drugs across the border. Both groups don’t like the drug war and what it is doing to their countries. And both are hated by various groups and government officials.

The best part of Cartel Land is how much access the documentary director had. He had to go to Mexico to work with Mireles and his Autodefensas, see them gain control back in an area, teach others, still live their lives with families, and also face extreme pressures from the Mexican government to stop.

Cartel Land is also mostly unbiased, letting the people tell their own stories and not offering judgments or concerns. It was a stark and real look at current affairs in Arizona and Mexico and is useful to help understand the plights of average citizens.

I could have seen Room months ago, in October. I didn’t. I didn’t know what Room was about. I just knew it was based on a book, maybe a thriller, maybe a romance. Who knows.

I didn’t know I had made a mistake. I didn’t know that choosing Burnt over Room would put me in an awkward situation for months. Mostly because I didn’t know Room would only be a limited release. So despite eventually wanting to see it, knowing just what it was about with rewards hype, I found it an hour and a half away from my home. Too far just for a film.

So I apologize to the entire cast and crew. How dare I slight them for Burnt. How dare I delay my end of the year best of list for a film very hard to find.

In the future, I will make sure I make movie watching choices based on the number of locations the film is shot in. The lesser, the better.

I will only watch “bottle movies” from now on.

Seven years. That is how long Ma (Brie Larson) has been living in Room. She was 17. A high school track star. And she was also a super nice person, and would help strangers. And that landed her in Room.

Oh, and now it is Jack (Jacob Tremblay), her son’s, fifth birthday. Do the math. Yes, you figured it out correctly. Jack has only known Room. A couple chairs, a bed with his Ma, a closet, and this guy, Old Nick (Sean Bridgers). He comes in most nights and Jack has to sleep in the closet while he is there and sharing a bed with Ma. Jack doesn’t know a lot about Old Nick, but Old Nick gives them food and supplies.

Ma doesn’t want to be in the room. She had many years outside the room and knows the reality of her situation. Jack has only known Room. The idea of anything else is scary and wrong and can’t be true. If Ma doesn’t get him out, at least to save her boy, he might grow up and never be a sane kid.

Can she? Will she get out? And if she does or he does, how will they be able to go on with their life? The world is very different and most people would have assumed Ma to be dead and not even know about Jack’s existence.

Also with roles by Joan Allen, William H. Macy, and Tom McCamus.

William H. Macy plays the role of the egg shell snake, of course.

Oh Brie Larson. I haven’t seen a lot of your work, for sure. You were a side character in Scott Pilgrim, and Tanner Hall was pretty average. But then you were in Short Term 12 and I realized you had some acting chops.

And then Room happened, and I, and everyone who saw it, was completely blown away.

Now, obviously it wasn’t Larson working alone to deliver an amazing performance. The script/plot and directing had to allow her to shine and this film offers the full wonderful movie package. Acting, directing, dialogue, plot. Hell, even the make up was on point, when it comes to the way they looked being locked in a room for so long. And guess what? Little Jacob Tremblay does an incredible job as well. There is lots of talk about Larson being nominated for Best Actress (and I am officially here saying she will win it for this), but Tremblay is also someone who deserves just as much praise.

I don’t know if they are trying, but if so, they will probably push him towards Supporting Actor despite being slightly more of a main character than Larson. Go big or go home. I won’t say he would win Best Actor if nominated, just that his performance is worthy of losing to Leonardo DiCaprio this year.

Room is a fantastic movie. One of the years best. And yes, it makes me want to read the book. Well done movie. Well done.

I am so full of Happy Happy Joy Joy. After all, it is the Christmas season, and you know what that means?

That’s right! It’s time for a David O. Russell movie starring Jennifer Lawrence and Bradley Cooper.

I can’t even remember a time when Christmas was without these two somehow in my life. And for the most part, I have enjoyed it each and every year.

Wait, what’s that? 2014 didn’t give us our JLaw BCoop reunion movie? Oh that’s right. That year was supposed to be Serena. But it got shifted around and wasn’t a good movie. Let’s forget 2014. Those were dark times. Probably because someone other than David tried to use them. That must be it.

I assumed this was a revenge action flick based on only seeing this picture pre watching.

Joy (Jennifer Lawrence) used to have it all when she was a kid. She had a loving mom (Virginia Madsen), a dad (Robert De Niro), and step or half sister Peggy (Elisabeth Röhm). It might be a step sister, I don’t know. She loved to invent and create and let her mind flow. Then their parents got divorced. She now had a mom who stayed in all day to watch Soap Operas, and her sister went full time with the dad, who she only saw some of the time.

Now she had to take care of her mom and her head can no longer float in the crowds.

Seventeen years after the fact, things were going to change. Yes, she had two kids. Yes, she was divorced with her ex, Tony (Edgar Ramirez) was living in her basement. The only sane one in her life was her grandmother (Diane Ladd) and our lovely narrator! And of course her best friend is still around to help, Jackie (Dascha Polanco).

Let’s cut to the chase. This story is actually about Joy Mangano, a real person. She invented the mop that was super absorbant, able to be thrown in the washer, and with the handle to twist and wring water out of it. How she got there, and how she became the queen of HSN? Well, that is this story.

Also featuring Bradley Cooper as a QVC exec, Isabella Rossellini as a rich widow, and Isabella Crovetti-Cramp as Young Joy. And no, she didn’t get there by killing her competition.

Although every good picture for the movie wants to confirm the revenge killing spree thing it seems.

Joy was a lot more different than Russell’s previous few movies. It started slow and took a long time for “the point” of the film to be shown. Again, going in blind, it just seems like this Joy girl has a messed up family and people are mean to her. But she is nice, so people continue their meanness.

Literally. If you like seeing unfortunate things happen to Jennifer Lawrence for 45 minutes or so, you will love the intro. But when Cooper appears, things seem to change. Yes, she still gets shit on occassionally, but not as much. Hell, a scene near the end had me filled with controllable rage over her circumstances. So in that sense, yes, Joy elicits emotions out of you and you might get pissed off.

But at least we know there is a happy ending, because she is super famous and well off now. Journeys can suck though.

This film felt full of women power. All the men kind of suck in some way, with only two male characters actually being helpful in the end. But most of the men just try to screw her over along the way. But Joy prevails.

During the film, Cooper’s character makes a big deal about a person’s hands. With hands working on TV, it is easier for the viewer to imagine the hands as their own. Once they imagine using the product, they are more willing to buy it. That is when a viewer will realize that throughout the film, before and after the scene, they do a lot of close ups of hands before we find out about the person themselves. Some subtle point there, and honestly, I am not sure what it is. But it was definitely interesting.

Joy is different. Joy is weird. Joy is overall entertaining, it just takes awhile for the hook to really sink in.

Did you see Margin Call? No? Well, it had a pretty big cast of actors! I mean, Stanley Tucci was in it, so you should see it. That is why I wanted to watch all the Hunger Games movies, but he only had one damn scene in the last one, and it wasn’t even good.

I ended up really enjoying it and found it informative. I didn’t think I was an expert on the financial collapse that America had experienced, but I got the vibe behind it all and understood that something like that could happen.

Needless to say, I didn’t expect more movies about the collapse. Then The Big Short came along. And I didn’t know what to expect. But here is a hint.

Anchorman. Anchorman 2. The Other Guys. Talladega Nights. Step Brothers. Sure, all of these have Will Ferrell in common, but they are also directed by Adam McKay.

Sure, he has directed some TV shows and shorts and random things, but that list was literally every movie he has ever directed. Up til The Big Short. Can a guy who is BFF’s with Ferrell, make a movie serious enough about the economic collapse, easy to understand, and good, without any Ferrell at all?

Don’t worry, we have mature Gosling to make the women and men swoon instead.

Back to the crisis. Our story starts in 2005, with one man. Michael Burry (Christian Bale). He is a socially awkward guy, with a fake eye. He had a wealthy inheritance, so he took it to wall street to make his own small investment firm. And you know what he wants to put over a billion of dollars? Into the mortgage market.

Mortgages are safe, everyone pays them, and only people who can pay them end up getting them. That idea has made bankers rich since the 1970s, thanks to something called Mortgage Backed Securities, MBS. The banks loan out hundreds of mortgages in one lump sum to many homes, and when they are that big, they can make some sweet interest and that gets them rich. More or less. But banks got greedy. They started renting to riskier and riskier people. So the chance of these large funds crashing, creating very bad scenarios, is actually getting higher but no one seems to notice.

Except for Burry. He wants to “short” the MBS funds. More or less, that means he is betting against them. He is loaning money to banks, like Goldman Sachs, and paying a monthly premium on it. He is letting them have that money, until these MBS’s break and he will get his money back multiplied many times over. He is the first guy to do something like this and most people think he is insane, but he looked at the numbers.

But there were more players. Jared Vennett (Ryan Gosling) is our narrator, and actually works for Deutsche Bank. He finds out about the Burry deal and tries to get more people to follow suit, believing in him and working to get some profit on the side as well. He ends up talking to Mark Baum (Steve Carell), operator of a hedge fund, who crusades against all the bull shit on wall street, and sets out to find just how corrupt this whole thing is.

Also, Charlie Geller (John Magaro) and Jamie Shipley (Finn Wittrock), two Denver boys who grew their own money to 30 million, who see this as an opportunity to finally make it to the big leagues.

We have a ton of people in this movie, including Marisa Tomei, Brad Pitt, Adepero Oduye, Hamish Linklater, Jeremy Strong, Rafe Spall, Jeffry Griffin, Max Greenfield, Margot Robbie, Selena Gomez and Anthony Bourdain.

The man who drums at his desk and doesn’t wear a suit, predicted the downfall of American economy.
This is why I choose to wear shorts as well.

I honestly didn’t think much about this movie before seeing it. I saw the trailer once before Steve Jobs, was intrigued by the cast, but then forgot about it. And hey, I like some of McKay’s films a lot. I just didn’t have any faith with this topic.

Well, fuck me, I was wrong, and this movie was really fucking good. Star to finish, it captivated me about wall street fucking over America.

The acting was on point from all points, especially with Carrell and Bale as power houses. Pitt was very subtle in this film, similar to his role in 12 Years A Slave. But even better about these roles is that no single person was really the main character. The main character was the housing bubble and banks lying to America.

Were these people bad for profiting off the downfall of the World Economy? Sure, kind of. That is morally grey. Because it shows that some of them tried to tell everyone the problem with the numbers, tried to do something about the collusion, but were laughed right in their faces. Even if they wanted to warn everyone, no one would listen because the vast majority of people didn’t understand how any of it worked and were lied too constantly.

This movie made me ANGRY. I felt rage at what was going on, only eight years ago. I am mad that nothing has really changed. I am mad that no one got punished for it and that so many people got fucked over. I am mad that this movie is also a comedy, and that I gained so much amusement at something that ended up being so terrible.

And that is what a great movie can do. It can make you feel things. The Big Short is funny and anger inducing, while also taking a very complicated subject and making one feel like they understand it. I feel like I totally understand everything that happened now and it was something I never really thought about before. The Big Short is good enough that I feel like I could watch it every few months and still enjoy it and still feel those same emotions.

The Big Short wants me to almost get political and start shouting at rich people. One of the years best.

Dashing through the snow, had a very shiny nose, don’t you tell a single soul what I’m going to say. That might be a Christmas song, I don’t know.

Because apparently, I don’t know the real meaning behind Christmas. It could be all commercialism, it could be Santa, it could be togetherness, it could be Jesus, it could be presents (I am 100% certain the reason for the season is Presents).

Who says I don’t know the true meaning of Christmas? Well, Kirk Cameron says so. This movie came out during the holidays in 2014, and it took until November 2015 for it to be available on DVD and VOD. A whole year! Because Saving Christmas ended up with a lot of backlash and hate. Cameron gets a lot of grief for being super religious, and not all of it is warranted. It doesn’t deserve its low IMDB/RT rating, because over 90% of the voters have probably not even seen the movie. I hate it when people go on campaigns like that. So I also hated it when Cameron made a Facebook post asking for his followers to rate it high just back.

And then the internet responded again, even more angrily, which is why it is rated so lowly everywhere. Silly Cameron, you sank to the internet’s level. No wonder it tried to destroy you.

“Sit down and shut the fuck up, it is Jesus time!” – Kirk Cameron’s opening monologue.

First of all, I though this was supposed to be a documentary. But it is not, it is a fictional movie…slash kind of hybrid. Like Kirk Cameron. He is playing himself, Kirk Cameron. He also has a sister in the movie, Bridgette Cameron, who is also playing herself. Also, the movie opens with Kirk in a fireplace Christmas setting, talking about the joys and wonders of the Holidays and warns us that there are people who don’t like it as much. Yes, this is exactly what the first picture is showing.

So it is kind of a documentary too. A fictional documentary. Let’s go with that.

Either way, after that introduction, we get to go to his sister’s holiday party, where there are lots of friends and their families all enjoying things like hot chocolate, presents, music, and Santa. Santa, who of course is the Uncle (Ben Kientz) dressed up because he has no job and is getting paid. Woo.

But someone isn’t enjoying the party. Kirk’s brother in law, Christian White (Darren Doane), not actually his Brother-In-Law, but the director of this movie nonetheless. He is a party pooper. Why? Does he hate that there is a War on Christmas and he is forced to say Happy Holidays? Nope! The opposite. He hates what Christmas has become. Christian is actually super Christian, and he wants Christmas to be about one thing and one thing only. Celebrating the birth of Jesus and worshiping and hallelujah. So he is being a little bitch, and goes out to his car to have a chill pill. Kirk joins him, because he cares about his family and they talk.

Namely three things, after Christian bitches about all the excessive stuff. They talk about Jesus’ birth/the nativity, the pagan Christmas Tree, and Santa aka Jesus’ Replacement (or Satan?!). And you know what Kirk tells him? He tells him he is wrong about everything he is complaining about, and uses the Bible to explain some shit. This makes Christian very excited to be a hero, and he goes back and the party is happy again. Yay end of movie.

Also with David Shannon and Raphi Henly in smaller guest roles.

How small? Their roles could fit in that snowglobe.

Please note, everything I say below is not an attack on Christianity. It is just an attack on this shitty, shitty movie.

What in the fuck is this mess of a movie? First of all, the run time is listed at 80 minutes, with the last 10 minutes being credits and bad outtakes. The final 10-15 minutes before the credits is 90% just party montages with Cameron occasionally talking over it and some dance party stuff. And the rest of the 50-60 minutes has about 20 minutes of maybe plot. This movie is mostly filler and has very little going on. The only thing that happened in the movie that I didn’t mention was the other two tagged actors having a conversation about Christmas and conspiracies that was never resolved and went nowhere.

And of the plot? About 5 minute devoted to talking between the three characters. Establishing he is upset, long ass talk in the car, and the make-up. The car is the brunt of the movie, and thankfully it isn’t just them talking in the car. When Cameron talks after the rants from White, he becomes voice over mode so they can have scenes showcasing what he is talking about from the bible. Everything about this movie could have been done in a 30 minute documentary, which we could have then panned on information alone, but instead it is turned into a feature film that is mostly a time sink. Add on bad/barely acting and you get an overall terrible movie, regardless of the message.

As for the message, I can’t even fully describe what Cameron claimed. The first thing he said about the birth of Jesus made no sense at all to me. His defense of the Christmas tree was somewhat reasonable. The only thing he talked about with any remote sense of truth was the actual story of Saint Nicholas and why he was awesome. But the problem with his answers to the complaints were that he basically ignored the actual complaints. A lot of it boiled down to comparing most of the festivities to pagan traditions that existed long before Christianity, which everyone can agree is true. He basically responds, “Nuh uh! You just read that on the internet, here is why they are all super Christian and good.” So his responses ignored the issues and were made up. Jesus Christ, what a waste of time.

If he at least made a documentary about there being a non-fictional War on Christmas at least some of the points he brought up could be valid. Instead he took real complaints, and said ignore them. Just be happy and do Christmas, because Jesus. End film. Fuck you.

One final fact. Darren Doane? He used to direct a bunch of music videos. He is super Christian, yes, but he directed classic videos from Blink-182, Buckcherry, Jason Mraz, Shinedown, AFI and more. That’s pretty random crazy.

As it happens every year, this year I find myself lacking in the Best Actress potential nominee department. Somehow these films with strong lady leads allude me, it is probably cause I am a man.

But damn it, this year I got to see Carol before they announced Oscar nominations. Sure, it might presumptuous for me to assume that it will get nominated for anything, but it literally received two nominations for Best Actress for the Spirit Awards. One film, two spots of the five. That is pretty damn good. I admire that they didn’t try to shoe horn one of their leads into a supporting actress role, like plenty of films attempt depending on how crowded a potential category is. And after all, competing against yourself must feel a bit awkward. But for 40% of the nominees to be for Carol, I’d have to imagine at least one of them be given some love for the Academy Awards.

Not that strong independent women need to be shown anything at all, technically. Fuck, feminism is hard. What do I say? Just start the review? Okay okay.

See? I am so feminist, I won’t even mention that thing that is on Carol’s head.

Film is called Carol? Fine, I will talk about Therese (Rooney Mara) first then. Therese is young and living in her own apartment in NYC in 1949-51, I couldn’t figure out the year. She works part time at a department store for the Christmas holidays, selling dolls and trains. She has a cheap camera for taking photos, thinking she might be a photographer one day. She is dating a fine young boy, Richard Semco (Jake Lacy), who wants to marry her and taker he on vacations to Europe.

But then she meets Carol (Cate Blanchett). Carol is older and richer and lives out in New Jersey. She has a husband, Harge (Kyle Chandler) but they are getting a divorced, and a young daughter (played by Sadie Heim and Kk Heim. Yes twins, and no, Kk is not her official real name). Why divorce? Well, the love is gone. And Carol might have had “a thing” with the godmother, Abby (Sarah Paulson), Carol’s childhood friend. Yes, a thing means a romantic relationship, when she was already married, to a woman.

Well, due to reasons, Carol and Therese become friends, Therese never really knowing she could find a woman desirable. But this was set 65 years ago and that would not fly. In fact, it is very bad news for Carol’s divorce, as her husband is using her past moral indiscretions as reasons to file for full custody of their daughter, not joint. This wedge is meant to bring her back into the fold, but Carol would rather flee the North east to be away from him, to be herself, until the trial where hopefully it would all just be heresay. But she wants Therese to go with her. Travel west, see the country side. Enjoy each others company. You know. Regular road trip stuff.

Some other guys are in the movie, but they aren’t lesbians, so fuck them. John Magaro, Cory Michael Smith, and Nik Pajic.

I would be appalled as well dancing with Chandler.
You just know he is constantly whispering “Clear Eyes, Full Hearts, Can’t Lose” in her ear.

Carol was intricate, intimate, and insanely detailed [Editor’s Note: Yes, that was already covered by intricate.] Carol seems like the type of film that must be based on real events, with the actresses involved recreating the scenes word for word, smile for smile, as it happened in real life. From the first frame, you will begin to feel that old timey movie atmosphere wash over you. It feels like a film that literally came out of the 1950’s, but with the cameras used and credit style. Of course my own viewings of 1950’s cinema is excruciatingly low, so I am not a complete authority on that. But damn it, it still made me feel that way.

Since my rating is already obvious, my only real complaint about this film is that it took me quite a long time to get really involved with it. The beginning is slow, mostly the scenes of Therese without Carol where she is hanging out with her boyfriend and his friends. Yes it is important to establish her life outside of the future romance and not make her a love sick puppy, but they dragged on. Potentially on purpose, to show the boredom that had crept into her life.

But the scenes between Carol and Therese? Everything was golden. Their eyes, their body language, their tones. Fuck, I could stare at Rooney Mara starring at Cate Blanchett all day. It was that real. These two women were complete power houses in their own right. I can see them both being nominated for Best Actress for the Oscars as well, not just Blanchett for playing the titular role.

Carol will probably be in the running for Best Director as well. I think this is a heavy category this year, with Spotlight and The Revenant, but Todd Haynes completely dominated this film. Everything was on spot and meticulously planned. He is the type of guy who has great attention to detail, but isn’t insane about it like Wes Anderson.

Finally, if I wanted to be vague, I could describe this film as “Cate Blanchett has a mid life crisis, leaves her husband, and travels west” and you might think I was talking about Blue Jasmine. What’s that? Blanchett won Best Actress for that film? You don’t say.

Here is what I can tell you:

This review of Star Wars: The Force Awakens will be super unbiased. Why? Because I am not a hardcore fan boy of the series like most critics I know. I didn’t watch the original trilogy over and over as a kid, and didn’t even see them as an adult. Each film of the original trilogy I have only seen once, and honestly, I get why they were popular then, but think most of it is just nostalgia a la Tron love. Tron is technically terrible, it just did something no other film did before it, so it was a big deal and loved for that reason. If I saw Star Wars as a kid, I might be hooked as well.

I am not saying I hate Star Wars, as that would still be biased. I am just very neutral and ambivalent towards it. I liked KOTOR as a game, so that is one thing I enjoyed. And yes, Episode III might be my favorite Star Wars film, solely for the ending magma battle and shouting.

Here is one more thing I can tell you:

No, I don’t think this review will have a ton of spoilers. I didn’t watch any trailers myself to keep it completely fresh in my mind. I waited days after its released and walked through the internet like a minefield to keep my take on it fresh, despite the news stories of its success. I wanted to wait, so I could watch it in an enjoyable way with a small crowd to not sway my opinion one way or another. Will I reveal basic plot points? Of course, but if that is a spoiler, then fuck me, everything is a spoiler.

This is how I be dodging spoilers on the internet.

Set 30 years after Return of the Jedi, shit has once again hit the fan. Remember Luke Skywalker (Mark Hamill)? Yeah, he was a big deal. He has been missing for a long time now though and might just be the last Jedi. Turns out there are still bad people. They aren’t the Empire anymore, they are the First Order. And they are looking for him.

So are the Resistance, which is of course led by Leia (Carrie Fisher), a General now. You can’t really call yourself a Princess anymore when your only claim to royalty blew up in the first half of A New Hope.

Either way, she sends her best pilot down to Jakku on hearing that there is a clue to his whereabouts. You’re thinking Han Solo (Harrison Ford) and Chewbaccca (Peter Mayhew)? Hell no! We’re talkin’ Poe Dameron (Oscar Isaac)! He is like the new Han Solo, I guess.

And that is the plot outline basically given to us by the rolling credits to start the film. Since I don’t want to freak anyone out. First Order bad. Luke is gone. And more question marks.

But there are still new characters! Rey (Daisy Ridley) is the new Luke and Finn (John Boyega) was a storm trooper, and also New Luke. I guess. Kylo Ren (Adam Driver) is new Darth Vader and General Hux (Domhnall Gleeson) is new Grand Moff Wilhuff Tarkin.

Maz Kanata (Lupita Nyong’o) is new Yoda, Supreme Leader Snoke (Andy Serkis) is new Palpatine, and Anthony Daniels is still C3P0. Captain Phasma (Gwendoline Christie) is a silver storm trooper commander, and I guess she is just a new thing completely. But she has almost no real reason to be in this film, to be honest.

Princess Leia really let it all go for this film.

Star Wars: The Force Awakens is an entertaining film. It has likable characters. The new people seem to mostly be the focus, determined to tell their own story, and not let a bunch of old people steal their spotlight. What I might have loved the most was that it felt a lot more “realer” than the prequels. It didn’t feel like a giant CGI fest. It involved actors really running through sand. Real sand!

And sure, I liked Rey. This series will catapult Ridley into super stardom, I can feel it. I liked the Poe and Finn bromance. I really liked Poe. I liked Poe a lot more than I would imagine for someone who is just a pilot. Damn you irresistible Oscar Isaac. Even the new R2D2 was cool.

I didn’t like Kylo Ren when he took off the mask though. No offense to Adam Driver, who I tend to enjoy in his other films, but the look he had with the long hair made him just feel so un-intimidating. His characteristics, technically realistic, but not currently as BAMF as I had hoped. The storm troopers themselves were better. They had personalities, they could hit targets, they had various weapons, and obviously, one of them gained a conscious.

He does have the most sensical lightsaber at least.

But then. Then there are other things. Things not as good as those first things.

Of course a common complaint is this whole thing just feels like a rehash of events from the original trilogy. Some people would argue they are just a homage or mirror of events. Others will just call it lazy fan service / heavy winking. I am on the latter. This didn’t feel like a completely new movie. I mean, fuck, they already did two Death Stars. This time we have a really really really big Death Star, with similar dumb weak points with even more who gives a shitness.

Not everything is well acted. Some scenes are cringey, some seem forced. The worst scene for me to watch was unfortunately a scene between Fischer and Ford, talking about their old love. Neither seemed to be really into it at that moment (Fisher was unfortunately aloof for every one of her scenes), and it didn’t provide the power that it was striving for.

I think what I hated even more about this film is that it didn’t feel like a complete story. Yes, it is part of a trilogy. Yes, trilogies should have an over arcing plot and goal that is being worked towards. But each film in a trilogy needs to have its own beginning, middle, and end, and not leave us with almost literal cliffhangers. The ending to TFA reminded me of the ending of Pirates of the Caribbean: Dead Man’s Chest, which pissed me off so much I still haven’t seen At World’s End. Will I see Episode VIII? I have to, it is my job, but I will go in on a slightly sour note.

In case I wasn’t clear, this film felt like it wanted to set up the trilogy and only hint at what is to come, instead of letting that come naturally through its own story.

TFA is an entertaining movie and one people can enjoy again and again, but it is not movie of the year material when it comes down to all of the bigger elements. I have hope for the future films.

As a side note, I enjoyed a few other things. Like Fisher’s daughter having a small role, and you may recognize her from Scream Queens. It is hilarious that Isaac and Driver are both in this film, when they were last together they sung with Justin Timberlake about not wanting to go to Outer Space. I hope JT is given future consideration for a small role.

And finally, there was a mother fucking reference to Clerks. Clerks, which made many references to Star Wars. Randall was wrong. He said that the average storm trooper does not know how to install a toilet, and that they’d have to hire independent contractors to make the Death Star. But damn it. Those storm troopers do have jobs. (Spoiler)? Finn worked in fucking sanitation!

Nacho Libre. Napoleon Dynamite. Gentlemen Broncos.

Two of these films are well known. Both of them are universally hated or loved, with barely any room for middle ground. And Gentlemen Broncos was unfortunately never widely known on the radar, despite it being the strongest movie of the three for me. I also hated Dynamite, and loved Libre.

Well, now Jared Hess the director is back after a six year directing absence. Don Verdean. Bringing back a few actors he directed in Broncos.

And honestly, this should be enough information to give it a shot regardless of what it is about. Just for the experience. Just for the really quotable lines.

Surveillance does. I hate those

Don Verdean (Sam Rockwell) is a world famous Biblical archaeologist. He made his fame finding actual places and items from the Bible, helping Americans ignore faith and base their religion on facts! Like the scissors that cut Samson’s hair!

I should have said “was” instead of “is” because times are hard now. He is mostly now just selling books and touring churches around the US, with his assistant Carol (Amy Ryan). That is until Tony Lazarus (Danny McBride) a pastor self proclaimed back from the dead, with his reformed stripper wife (Leslie Bibb), want to finance Don Verdean!

You see, they are losing followers and they need something big and splashy in order to get people back into the faith. So they will pay for his next expedition, the wife of Lot! But that is just the tip of the ice berg.

Either way, Verdean has the right frame of mind. He wants to help people, even if it involves lying. Then he gets too involved in his lies, and one of his Israeli workers (Jemaine Clement) finds out the truth, extorting Verdean. At the same time, a local priest, who used to be a Satanist (Will Forte) and his scientist friend (Sky Elobar) don’t believe any of it. They want to prove he is a faker.

Also featuring Steve Park as a rich Chinese Christian man who also wants to get in on the action.

McBride seen here is of course discussing the size of Goliath’s dick.

This is the type of movie where you should know exactly what you are going to get. If you saw any of the last three, it is very similar in terms of exaggerated characters and ridiculous lines. And for the most part, I loved it.

I was cackling to myself as I watched it, both due to the “clever” lines and the “clever” situations. Just seeing McBride as a pastor makes me laugh, because the casting choice is that brilliant. I was surprised by Ryan’s character, because she did the timid/obedient Christian thing very well, and honestly, she rarely has big roles in what she works.

Clement made me laugh the most. It might be the first time a New Zealander has played an Israeli, taking his already strong accent and morphing it into an even stranger Israeli accent. It as so think, basically everything was comical. Rockwell did a fine job in the leading role, although I feel like his motivations were shaky throughout. I couldn’t tell if he was intentionally lying every time or not.

My biggest gripe with the movie is unfortunately the ending. When things became more chaotic and things began to unravel, it just didn’t feel like the same movie. It started to lose a bit of my interest and seemed to focus less on the funny characters and more on the “action.” Quotes of course, because there isn’t actually a lot of action, but it was still higher stakes and running and a couple of gun shots.

Eddie Redmayne, you son of a bitch. I feel like it was first announced before he even won his award for Best Actor for The Theory of Everything. You know, the news that he would be starring in a film next year called The Danish Girl.

The story for the first male to female transition. The first transgendered person to physically change their sex.

Holy fuck. What are you doing Redmayne? Are you that desperate for two acting awards? Or is this to make amends for Jupiter Ascending.

Either way, you should enjoy this Conan clip from awhile back about Redmayne and his history of playing women.

And this is where it all began.

Einar Wegener (Redmayne) is a young painter living in Copenhagen, Denmark in the 1920s. Life is wonderful. He lives with his wife, Gerda (Alicia Vikander), who is also a painter, but she mostly deals with portraits. Einar is successful at his landscapes and often has bidders. Gerda cannot get a show, because people don’t care about portraits, no matter how well done they are.

Their best friend is a dancer, Ulla (Amber Heard), who keeps flaking on their appointments, so Gerda uses Einar to finish the portrait. He just has to wear the tights and shoes and keep the same pose, no big deal. Either way, they all find it hysterical and they call this new persona Lili.

But it turns out Lili might not be something new. Maybe it goes way back in Einar’s wife when he was kid playing with one of his friends, Hans Axgil (Matthias Schoenaerts), a metal name if any. Either way, Einar doesn’t like public shows, but wants his wife to go to a big one to be scene for her art’s sake. And they agree that he should go in disguise, as Lily. It is very deceiving to everyone outside of their BFF. He is so good at being feminine!

Okay, I will stop beating around the bush. This act nor the first act made him realize he was a woman on the inside. But damn it, it certainly gets him on the path. The path that makes doctors think he should be locked up, to try radical treatments, and eventually, the right doctor who is willing to really listen to him and help. Also featuring Ben Whishaw, as a fellow Denmarkian who totally falls for Lili.

Yeah, I’d say he is a little bit convincing.

This rating is the same rating I gave to The Theory of Everything. I recognized how great Redmayne’s acting was, but the story just didn’t live up to his acting.

In this case, the story lived up to the acting, it just wasn’t as amazing as I had hoped.

Let’s be clear. Redmayne was beyond fantastic. At least a block or two past the word. His transition was incredibly believable. His mannerisms, his weight loss, his fucking everything. I can’t imagine a better person to do this role than him. A third of the way into it, I forgot it was Redmayne, and was so engrossed in the character.

I also need to talk about Vikander, who is having a killer year seemingly out of nowhere (See: Ex Machina, The Man From U.N.C.L.E.). Her character went through a lot as well, you know, having her husband lose attractiveness to her and come out as a woman. It was hard on her in real life, and you could see the pain in Vikander’s eyes, not sure what she should do or encourage. In fact, this film really should have been called The Danish Girls to a bit more accurate.

Some may say it is too much about the wife though. A lot of scenes from her point of view, keeping Lili a bit more of a mystery. It did a lot for the real Lili Elbe, but man, the filmmakers almost tried to make it about her wife and not her herself. (Is that grammatically correct? Screw it).

Despite the wonderful acting, there were slower moments. Sometimes they took too long to get to the next important scene. Some parts felt repetitive. But if Redmayne wins again (which I am not calling it yet, because there are some still great acting films coming out this year), it probably won’t feel repetitive, just awesome for a young great actor.

Let’s talk about voice actors. Robin Williams ruined everything when he did Aladdin and FernGully. Before that, you just had no name voice people for your animated films. They were legit voice actors though, so the voice work was top notch.

But then we got someone big and famous for his comedy, and now he was doing voice work. And yes, he kicked butt, because Williams had an amazing voice. But not every celebrity has a distinct enough voice or is good at doing the job. Rio is led by Jesse Eisenberg and Anne Hathaway. Why? Because of star power.

So these poor voice actors are now out of a job, or stuck doing just television shows. Because they’d rather have Eisenberg.

The point I am trying to make is, this is Alvin and the Chipmunks: The Road Chip. There is no reason for any of the six chipmunks to be famous people, because they are all sped up, literally anyone could do it and it would basically be the same. Literally anyone. Which is why when I saw that Eleanor, the green Chipette. No one thinks about her. But Amy Poehler used to voice her, and now Kaley Cuoco does. An incredibly small role, and now two big celebrities have spent a few hours doing half-assed work for it.

It just doesn’t make any sense.

I should also mention I am just happy Jason Lee is finding some occasional work, body and voice.

The chipmunks are finally taking a break from touring the world. Alvin (Justin Long), Simon (Matthew Gray Gubler), and Theodore (Jesse McCartney). I am also contractually obligated to mention all of the Chipettes, Brittany (Christina Applegate), Jeanette (Anna Farris) and Eleanor (Cuoco). It feels weird, because they are barely in the movie at all, but oh well.

Things are changing for Dave (Jason Lee). He is getting older, becoming a more responsible person, and starting to produce music instead of play it. He helped make a whole album with pop star Ashley (Bella Thorne) and she has her big record launch party in Miami! But Dave cannot bring the Chipmunks, because he only has a +1, and apparently that includes Chipmunks. Kind of fucked up the guy who made the record can only bring one person, really. Instead he brings his girlfriend, Shira (Kimberly Williams-Paisley).

And he is also bringing a ring. Oh man. That is serious. Too serious. The chipmunks think that Dave will abandon them and start a new family. Mostly because Shira has an older son, Miles (Josh Green) who told them that. He is also a big jerk to them, and they don’t want to be his brother! So of course they hatch a plan to just go down to Miami and stop the engagement. Wonderful friends, I tell ya what.

Also featuring Tony Hale as our bad guy (and not David Cross, yay!), Eddie Steeples as a small cameo/role from My Name Is Earl, and Flula Borg with an even smaller cameo. Also Jennifer Coolidge.

That is incredibly unsafe. Dave should have them taken away for not wearing seat belts.

Did I mention that the voice acting news pissed me off? It would make sense if they actually elevated Eleanor to a bigger role, but along with Jeanette they barely had any screen time, with Brittany having only a hair more.

I was hoping this movie would be Theodore’s time to shine. He does have a few good moments and is heroic in one of them, but it didn’t feel like enough. Not at least to the same level that Simon was given in Chipwrecked.

But what is even worse about this film is how many songs there are. Overall, there is a lot of music. They go to a lot of parties and music is basically everywhere. However, most of these songs are just…real songs. Some very current, some maybe new. I don’t know. The problem is, maybe only 4 or 5 songs were actually song by high voiced characters.

Like, isn’t that the point of this type of movie? To sell merchandise and CDs? How can they do that when they barely have any songs at all? The main song of the film was Uptown Funk, a small part of Baby Got Back and the next most famous was Iko Iko, which is old as fuck. Then 2-3 other songs I didn’t know, maybe one was original. Or it might have been something else. I have no idea. I just now all the other films had a lot more fun songs and this one was severely lacking.

The plot is already terrible. The kid actor for the son was bad. Hale was too over the top and ridiculous to even enjoy him in the slightest. I wanted Cross back! And the shenanigans were bad. But no, they didn’t even give me a lot of chipmunk music to ignore the badness.