Month: February 2015

The worst trilogy of all time? No, you have to remember things like The Scary Movie franchise exist. Or soon to be Planes trilogy.

Now, weirdest and strangest trilogy of all time? Yeah, probably.

After all, I don’t know of a single trilogy that replaced every crossover character between every film. I don’t know of a single trilogy to say they would only continue to make more movies if their previous ones made enough money, then, you know, make them anyways despite it not occurring.

I don’t know of a single trilogy to make only one part a musical. That is not true for this one, but it almost happened.

So here we go. Atlas Shrugged Part III: Who Is John Galt?

“Who is John Galt? — Kill yourself!”

Part three, if you have been following along, starts with Dagny Taggart (Laura Regan) surviving her plane crash. She has now landed in a magical fairy tale land where all these big incredible thinkers have been living in secrecy! And she is now one of them!

Just kidding, she is here by accident. But this is totally where John Galt (Kristoffer Polaha) is. He wanted to stop the motor of the world, or some shit, and he wanted the government to get off of his nuts. And since they wanted to control his brain and his industry, so he fucking left. He wanted people to make money off of their creations and get some sort of super capitalism, away from any government shenanigans.

While this is going on, all the government works are falling to shit and everyone in America is sad.

And yeah, some terrorism level shit happens. People want the John Galt philosophy to come true, Dagny just kind of wants John Galt’s penis.

Some torture, and then another shitty ending.

With other fine actors like, Greg Germann, Larry Cedar, Joaquim de Almeida, Peter Mackenzie, Stephen Tobolowsky and Rob Morrow.

That’s right, this movie has a romance plot line.

Man, I wish this would have been a musical. It would have probably been less cheesy than the actual film itself.

Like, this movie ended up having a narrator. It wasn’t a person from the movie talking, it was just a straight up omnipotent narrator, with a powerful voice, and it really broke any narrative that the characters were creating. Show me, don’t tell me. The narrator made me laugh every time and it was extremely off putting.

Outside of the annoying narration, the story felt…over acted? Overly dramatic? Maybe just overly stupid. Yeah, let’s go with that. If I was supposed to feel any emotional connection to John Galt or Dagny I got nothing (And the actor changes / delay between stories didn’t help). It might work in the book, but this slow trilogy isn’t a great format for it.

I think this trilogy was made for people who really like the book and no one else. It really didn’t make a lot of sense without the book knowledge. If I have some free time, I might finally Audiobook this one. Maybe. But the trilogy was one of the worst and thus hilarious attempts at telling a serious story I have ever seen.

Never again. Never again.

Sooo, slavery.

Wait no, not slavery. Just baby trafficking. Woo!

Wait no, this is bad. Kids for Cash!? What an attention grabbing title! And no, it isn’t about parents having babies just to get those tax benefits or child support.

This is far more serious. This takes place in Pennsylvania, not cold and desolate Ireland. It involves a couple of judges who received monetary kickbacks from a children’s private correctional facility. Yep, people in power putting kids in juvie, and getting cash from the company. Pretty damn scummy.

And to be fair, this is only the most famous and well known case, which was relatively recent. It is argued that things like this have been occurring for some time. It doesn’t help that our country has elected judges in the first place, as John Oliver recently brought up.

Specifically, Judge Ciavarella sent HUNDREDS of youth to this place. Sometimes for minor offenses that most wouldn’t ever assume would go to any trial. They would be normal things a school would handle. But Columbine/Zero Tolerance policies take and ignore any pretenses and treat everyone the same: terribly.

Which is why parents treated the judge terribly in retrospect.

Who’s that lady? (Whooooo’s that laddddy?) Well, she went viral yelling at him on live TV or something. Check out the video. Her son committed suicide partially due to his time in Juvie for an un-important offense.

But here is the best part of the documentary. It is unbiased as fuck. Guess who they have as an interviewee. Guess. Come on.

That’s right. Motherfuckin’ Judge Ciavarella. They interview him at his house, during the trial, and get his side of all the events before the sentencing occurred. They don’t immediately contradict him or call him names or anything stupid, either. They give a real honest to goodness attempt to be impartial and let him explain everything.

Do we buy it? No. He is clearly a dumb ass who knew he was doing wrong. But he was that kind of dumb ass before he got paid for it too.

Kids For Cash is most likely just the top of the unlawful judge iceberg. We have for profit prisons and judges who accept donations/bribes from lawyers. Nothing is sacred, the law is scary, and I am staying indoors.

Horrible Bosses 2 came to theaters in November, and I didn’t get to go to a screening because I went to see Rosewater instead.

I actually wanted to see this one more, but I opened it up to a vote, and it was something ridiculous, like 15-1 in favor of Rosewater. Too bad Rosewater wasn’t that special.

I really liked the first Horrible Bosses, despite its ridiculousness. But I also liked at least 2 of the 3 main actors, so it made a bit of sense. However, when I heard about this sequel, I definitely thought that it didn’t make a lot of sense. They had a potential of making it like The Hangover 2, where they told a very similar story and it just felt like a bad rehash. But at the same time, if it has nothing to do with with Bosses being Horrible, then why is there a sequel at all?

And can they make everything sexier this go around? I doubt it.

Nothing sexier than showcasing your package in a business meeting. I’ve heard…

Nick (Jason Bateman), Kurt (Jason Sudeikis), and Dale (Charlie Day) are now in a business together! They made some sort of Shower Buddy item, that not only is a new nozzle for your water to come out of, but also automatically dispenses the shampoo and conditioning when with a timer or something. Yeah it sucks.

Either way, a big company has took notice. Rex Hanson (Chris Pine), CEO or something, wants to buy it all from them for a lump sum. But they don’t want to sell their company. He is a dick to them. Then his dad shows up, Bert Hanson (Christoph Waltz), and offers instead to buy 100,000 units, they just have to get their company off the ground. Hire workers, make the product, and they have a deadline.

And guess what, they do it! But of course shenanigans occur, and they might lose their whole business for nothing instead and get screwed out of all their product. What dicks, these pseudo bosses have been! So they eventually get a plan. Kidnap the son, ransom him for a ton of cash to the rich as fuck dad, save the company, and get away with a new crime. Yay!

Oh hey, and of course, Jennifer Aniston, Kevin Spacey, and Jamie Foxx return as their old characters too. For various humor intended reasons. And Jonathan Banks as the FBI guy trying to solve the crime! Life has been decent to him post Breaking Bad.

I assume the telescope is innuendo.

I think Horrible Bosses 2 found a nice balance between keeping to the theme of the series, but also giving us something new. Last time they all had different people that they wanted to “kill”. This time, they are united against the same two guys and they don’t want them to die. Killing is scary business. So instead a very complicated plan with many moving parts is the real ideal.

I will admit I haven’t seen the first Terrible Supervisors film since it came out, but I think I enjoyed that one more than the sequel. This one wasn’t necessarily bad, as it definitely had quite a few hilarious moments, but I also think it didn’t as great of a plot behind it. There were scenes that produced no laughs at all.

But the most important aspect of a buddy comedy is the chemistry, and it is pretty darn good between these guys. I have talked before about Bateman fatigue, but even he wasn’t too terrible, although it was clearly Sudeikis/Day’s movie for the maximum lols. You might not trust my word on that, because I love almost everything Sudeikis does. I think he’s the best part of SNL the last few years.

Also, I practically died laughing every time they used their fake voices. Just it is probably more forgettable unlike the first movie where they did the…things. And stuff.

It feels good to be out of my weeks of Oscar/award related movies. Now I can watch anything I want! Shitty comedies, shitty sex comedies, shitty sex romance movies, shitty dramas. Literally, the sky is wide open.

So many shitty movies I had to ignore for weeks!

But instead I watch Rudderless because it was requested of me. Sure, I saw the cover once and wanted to watch it. Why not do that before the shit storm.

The only thing that can scream out “indie” more than this scene would be a couple of gay cowboys.

Sam (Billy Crudup) has hit rock bottom. He has been living on a boat, a drunken mess, for the last two years. You see, his son (Miles Heizer) died as a result of a campus shooting, and his life kind of crumbled.

But things change a little bit, just a bit, when he is given a lot of his son’s journals and cds. Turns out he was writing songs and recording demos of his feelings. The material was really good, emotional, dark, and all sorts of just real.

Looking to get over his death, or honor it in some way, Sam plays one of his songs at an opec mic night. It is met with mixed reviews. But Quentin (Anton Yelchin) loved it. He worshiped Sam and his song writing playing and wanted him to do even more and put more out there. He kind of wanted him to start a band.

But that is weird. Sam is old and living on a boat. He can’t start a band with young kids. His life is a wreck. Even if he has a full notebook of material. I am uncomfortable.

Also with Selena Gomez, Kate Micucci, William H. Macy, Laurence Fishburne, and Ryan Dean.

Don’t worry, she only has like, two scenes max. Completely forgettable.

Another movie I can’t describe well without giving it all away or making it sound like shit. My bad.

Because in all honesty, I friggan loved it. All of the music, all of it (except maybe the last song) was enjoyable. The bringing together of the band and creating a sound, it was great as well.

I can’t say normally I am a fan of Crudup’s work, but he was tolerable as the lead in this film. Yelchin was really good, but I always enjoy him. Also, this might be Fishburne’s best role in years and he was just a side character.

William H. Macy did a fantastic job his first time directing a film. He told a powerful story, full of good music and good conflict, about a hard to discuss subject. Reminds me a bit of Beautiful Boy, but of course more music.

This Is Where I Leave You is one of those movies that I really didn’t care about seeing right away. I knew I could wait for it, despite liking quite a few members of the cast.

What was my beef? I call it Jason Bateman fatigue. A lot of people in this movie, but his character gets to be the main character, and for the most part, his last several years of roles have been very very similar. The Switch, The Change-Up, Identity Thief, Bad Words, Horrible Bosses. He is generally an asshole character who likes to make fun of others and has bad things happen to him. Sure he is a dick, but people are usually bigger dicks, so his dick-ness is justified.

Either way, I am super tired of him because he always gets lead guy status, thanks to Arrested Development I guess (which is also the same character).

I am tired of what feels like him lazily acting on the screen. It was fine the first few times, but now I really don’t know why I expected anything other than the dead dove.

But we have female on male violence, so I guess it can’t be too bad.

Can we look at that image closer? I think I got a stunt double in here or something, because man, that looks nothing like Tina Fey or what I would imagine Tina Fey looks like mid punch.

Mort Altman is dead. He is survived by his wife (Jane Fonda) and four kids. He was an athiest, but apparently he wanted a Jewish ceremony at his death and have his family sit shiva. That is an older tradition where the family literally sits for a week (outside of food/sleep/etc) to talk and honor the dead. People are meant to visit them throughout the week as well, to allow the stories to be said in a more natural way and to pass on the legacy of the individual. I learned about it at first from Weeds.

So we have Judd (Bateman) who is about to get separated from his wife (Abigail Spencer) because he found her in bed with his boss (Dax Shepard). Wendy (Tina Fey) is upset over her husband (Aaron Lazar) for being too busy with work, not able to stay, but also having to deal with kids and former lovers. Paul (Corey Stoll), the oldest, who wants to take over the family business cannot seem to get his wife (Kathryn Hahn) pregnant. And Phillip (Adam Driver) is younger, reckless, and dating a much older woman, a psychiatrist (Connie Britton), who actually was inspired by their family to go into her field.

What? Oh yeah, their family was written about by their mother in a book, so people know all about their lives. In a way, this makes it very similar to Peep World, but no one watched Peep World.

And yeah. Shenanigans. Also with Ben Schwartz, Debra Monk, Rose Byrne and Timothy Olyphant.

Shenanigans I say!

Overall, This Is Where I Leave You is a typical dysfunctional family comedy film. Maybe with more physical punches between and from siblings, but nonetheless, a lot of this is pretty typical.

TIWILY does attempt to do some things differently. With Bateman’s story line, there are unexpected elements behind it and they were a bit refreshing. But Driver’s plot was incredibly standard, Fey’s seemed like filler, and Stoll’s was underdeveloped.

The best part of the film is actually Jane Fonda! Her character is hilarious and really helps mesh the whole movie together. If you needed a reason to check this movie out at some point, Jane would be your reason.

A lot of it is predictable, a lot of it is okay. Overall, it just feels like too much. None of it feels realistic, to have so many things happen this way in a week, so it is hard to relate to any of the characters, at least from my point of view.

Shh. Go away. Review is over~.

There’s still time right? There is still time to make something about my Oscar Predictions?

I figure I should make some official ones, given the amount of movies I watch. I am going super simplistic with this too, but if you click on a movie link, it leads to my full review for you to judge and get overall feelings for!

Best Picture
“American Sniper”
“Birdman or (The Unexpected Virtue of Ignorance)”
“Boyhood”
“The Grand Budapest Hotel”
“The Imitation Game”
“Selma”
“The Theory of Everything”
“Whiplash”

I mean, did you see my top films of 2014 list? Birdman was number 1, but Boyhood was a close number 2. I’d be happy if any of them won, even Grand Budapest.

Actor
Steve Carell in “Foxcatcher”
Bradley Cooper in “American Sniper”
Benedict Cumberbatch in “The Imitation Game”
Michael Keaton in “Birdman or (The Unexpected Virtue of Ignorance)”
Eddie Redmayne in “The Theory of Everything”

Arguably everyone did good here, even Mr. Carell, but Redmayne went full cripple with the role. This was his Daniel Day Lewis moment, and I expect him to win unless all the voters also watched Jupiter Ascending.

Actress
Marion Cotillard in “Two Days, One Night”
Felicity Jones in “The Theory of Everything”
Julianne Moore in “Still Alice”
Rosamund Pike in “Gone Girl”
Reese Witherspoon in “Wild”

I think three women can potentially win this, but I picked Moore because everyone told me too. I would love it if Cotillard could win as well, and then maybe Pike. Maybe.

Supporting Actor
Robert Duvall in “The Judge”
Ethan Hawke in “Boyhood”
Edward Norton in “Birdman or (The Unexpected Virtue of Ignorance)”
Mark Ruffalo in “Foxcatcher”
J.K. Simmons in “Whiplash”

Most of the acting categories feel pretty easy to guess, and everyone is saying J.K. Simmons here, because he rocked that movie out with his cock out.

Supporting Actress
Patricia Arquette in “Boyhood”
Laura Dern in “Wild”
Keira Knightley in “The Imitation Game”
Emma Stone in “Birdman or (The Unexpected Virtue of Ignorance)”
Meryl Streep in “Into the Woods”

Similarly, everyone knows Patricia Arquette is winning this award, as she had quite a transformation over those 12 years. My follow up favorite option would be Emma Stone, and everyone else was meh.

Animated Feature
“Big Hero 6”
“The Boxtrolls”
“How to Train Your Dragon 2”
“Song of the Sea” [Didn’t watch]
“The Tale of the Princess Kaguya”

A hard subject that I have gone back and forth on. I’d like to rewatch HTTYD2 and BH6 really, but my gut instinct gives it to the Dragons.

Adapted Screenplay
“American Sniper”
“The Imitation Game”
“Inherent Vice”
“The Theory of Everything”
“Whiplash”

Shit, I dunno. I really don’t know. This might be the only thing Imitation Game has a chance on, so why not them?

Original Screenplay
“Birdman or (The Unexpected Virtue of Ignorance)”
“Boyhood”
“Foxcatcher”
“The Grand Budapest Hotel”
“Nightcrawler”

Another category I have no idea on. Anderson writes good scripts, and I want him to get acknowledgement for his zany movie. I’d say either this or Birdman or Boyhood or Nightcrawler.

Cinematography
“Birdman or (The Unexpected Virtue of Ignorance)”
“The Grand Budapest Hotel”
“Ida”
“Mr. Turner”
“Unbroken”

I might be wrong with Best Picture, but I won’t be wrong here. Cinematography is the entire fucking point of Birdman, and it knocked it well out of the park.

Costume Design
“The Grand Budapest Hotel”
“Inherent Vice”
“Into the Woods”
“Maleficent”
“Mr. Turner”

First off, I’d say all of these did a fantastic job. Except for Maleficent. And for no reason other than liking it the most, I am giving it to Budapest.

Director
“Birdman or (The Unexpected Virtue of Ignorance)” Alejandro G. Iñárritu
“Boyhood” Richard Linklater
“Foxcatcher” Bennett Miller
“The Grand Budapest Hotel” Wes Anderson
“The Imitation Game” Morten Tyldum

This is a hard category, but I think it will be split from best film. I think the dedication Linklater needed for his movie is worth more than just well done film that Iñárritu put out. But again, it is between them too.

Documentary Feature
“CitizenFour”
“Finding Vivian Maier”
“Last Days in Vietnam”
“The Salt of the Earth” [Didn’t watch]
“Virunga”

Two of these docuementaries I really loved, but of the two, Citizenfour is crazy topical and crazy good. Behind the scenes footage of recent events like you have never seen before.

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Film Editing
“American Sniper”
“Boyhood”
“The Grand Budapest Hotel”
“The Imitation Game”
“Whiplash”

I picked Boyhood, because, well, it has a shit ton of footage to editor together. I assume.

Foreign Language Film
“Ida” Poland
“Leviathan” Russia
“Tangerines” Estonia [Didn’t watch]
“Timbuktu” Mauritania [Didn’t watch]
“Wild Tales” Argentina [Didn’t watch]

I only got to see two of these and I definitely preferred Leviathan way more than Ida, although both are quite slow.

Makeup and Hairstyling
“Foxcatcher”
“The Grand Budapest Hotel”
“Guardians of the Galaxy”

Foxcatcher is here because of a nose, Guardians is here because of paint. Grand Budapest Hotel has to win, right?

Original Score
“The Grand Budapest Hotel”
“The Imitation Game”
“Interstellar”
“Mr. Turner”
“The Theory of Everything”

I can honestly say I don’t really give a shit here, as long as Interstellar doesn’t win.

Original Song
“Everything Is Awesome” from “The Lego Movie”
“Glory” from “Selma”
“Grateful” from “Beyond the Lights”
“I’m Not Gonna Miss You” from “Glen Campbell…I’ll Be Me” [Didn’t watch]
“Lost Stars” from “Begin Again”

A lot of good choices here. Of course everyone would like it if The Lego Movie won this, but I loved basically every song from Begin Again. It was the tits. Go that movie.

Production Design
“The Grand Budapest Hotel”
“The Imitation Game”
“Interstellar”
“Into the Woods”
“Mr. Turner”

Production Design? I think Budapest would have this in the bag as well. Everyone knows about Anderson and his design.

Sound Editing
“American Sniper”
“Birdman or (The Unexpected Virtue of Ignorance)”
“The Hobbit: The Battle of the Five Armies”
“Interstellar”
“Unbroken”

I might not know the difference between Editing and Mixing, so I am giving it to Birdman, as it had to incorporate things like drummers/drumlines with everything else going on in the story. Good times.

Sound Mixing
“American Sniper”
“Birdman or (The Unexpected Virtue of Ignorance)”
“Interstellar”
“Unbroken”
“Whiplash”

Speaking of drummers. I think war movies tend to win these type of things, but I don’t rememeber American Sniper being that great in this department.

Visual Effects
“Captain America: The Winter Soldier”
“Dawn of the Planet of the Apes”
“Guardians of the Galaxy”
“Interstellar”
“X-Men: Days of Future Past”

Okay, sure, here you go Interstellar. You were pretty as fuck with many different worlds. You should totally beat the super hero movies and the monkey one.

LOLOLOL, I have seen one of the next fifteen things. Yeah. Feast, because it was before Big Hero 6. Sooo, I am just guessing on most of these based on the name.

Animated Short Film
“The Bigger Picture”
“The Dam Keeper”
“Feast”
“Me and My Moulton”
“A Single Life”

Live Action Short Film
“Aya”
“Boogaloo and Graham”
“Butter Lamp (La Lampe Au Beurre De Yak)”
“Parvaneh”
“The Phone Call”

Documentary Short Subject
“Crisis Hotline: Veterans Press 1”
“Joanna”
“Our Curse”
“The Reaper (La Parka)”
“White Earth”

Right or wrong, those are the only two ways this list can be.

I hope you enjoyed my very little effort in this, and I also hope even more that the Oscars don’t completely suck. I am just watching them for Neil.

“Love is Strange? What the heck is this? I thought you were doing Oscar Related movies this week!”

Well, I was, I swear! But. Uhh. I ran out. I didn’t finish the list. I couldn’t. I officially couldn’t get see three of the Best Foreign Films, one of the Best Animated, one of the Best Documentary, one of the Best Original Song, and of course, 14 of the 15 Shorts. Doh.

But I didn’t pick this one randomly. Oh no, this was actually nominated for a Spirit Award for Best Picture. The Spirit Awards are for indie movies and they take place this weekend as well. And look at that, this was the one film I was missing from the main Best Picture category for them.

Boo yah. I am now Hipster.

And what is more hipster than watching an Independent Movie about Gay Marriage.

Speaking of marriage, Ben (John Lithgow) and George (Alfred Molina) are getting married! They have been together for over thirty years and are obviously quite old. But NY allows it, and by golly, they wanna get on that.

Good times, happy day, everyone is happy for them!

Then George gets fired. He taught piano and other music classes at a private school, and yeah, they took his marriage as something he wasn’t allowed to do in his contract, even if they knew he was gay. So this is bad because it was their stable income, which means they cannot pay their rent, which means they have to move. But shit, Ben’s income is erratic as he is a painter and George might need to take some time to get a new gig.

So they have to go live with their family and friends. They also want to live in the city still, because that is where they can find work and maintain a NYC presence.

Ben is living with his nephew (Darren E. Burrows), his nephew’s wife (Marisa Tomei) and their son Joey (Charlie Tahan). Ben might get on their nerves.

George is living with their former old neighbors (Cheyenne Jackson, Manny Perez), a younger gay couple who are both cops. They are a lot active than George is.

Issues, annoyances, and a bad start to a new marriage.

But not as bad as his start to that painting. You can’t erase water colors.

John Lithgow is really enjoying his acting these days. From his brilliant arc on Dexter to his cameos on HIMYM, he is just doing anything he wants at this point.

Acting wise, both leads do a great job. Their love is believable and their chemistry is nice.

I just find the plot of this movie to have a mostly blah concept. So they both go separate places, one becomes an annoyance on the place he lives, the other mostly just gets annoyed by what is going on around him. And their life goes on.

In that way, this movie has a very indie feel. A small concept script with not a lot going on. And I can’t help but feel cheated of a lot of potential plot to tell a more entertaining story. Some interesting things happen, it is very realistic, and the acting is good. But darn it, I just want a bit more in my stories.

Four out of five! Four out of five! I am getting so close. As an update in my attempts to watch all five of the documentaries nominated for Best Oscar, my other three have been Virunga, Citizenfour, and Finding Vivian Maier. That is because I never watch these things, I always watch shitty food documentaries and other crap. BUT HERE I AM WITH FOUR OF THE FIVE.

Man. Only one thing can beat this feeling. Like, an unlimited stack of pancakes. Or all five. But also pancakes. We will see. I don’t think I can make it.

Now we have Last Days In Vietnam! PBS put it on their website for free for a few days just so people like me can watch it. Was awfully kind of them. And the title isn’t vague at all. I instantly know what it is about. The last days in Vietnam! For America!

Here are people pushing freedom over into Vietnam.

I don’t want to get into a history lesson, but after Nixon ceremoniously left the office, Vietnam was in shambles. North Korea was fucking things up, South Korea was in trouble. Next thing you knew, America wanted out, but at the same time, a giant North Korea army was marching down and nothing could stand in its way! The USA had to evacuate, but at the same time, didn’t want to let everyone get slaughtered. There were attempts to get people to safety, to America, to wait until the army was right up on the capital gates.

Things were hectic, things were scary, and thankfully it wasn’t too long ago for everyone to be dead. A lot of major players, both in Vietnam and at home, are featured in this documentary to tell the stories. We have stories from Soldiers to Citizens, from Henry Kissinger to refugee. Overall it paints a pretty decent picture of what went down. A subject, I can freely admit I wasn’t super knowledgeable about before this documentary.

But also. I don’t feel super knowledgeable about it after the fact either. It is a strange feeling. I was listening and loving the information. But all of it seems to have gone in one ear and out the other. It is probably just a me situation, and not the same for everyone. But this is my review, not yours, so get your own website, jerks.

Either way. Good information, but at the same time, I guess it feels like something that they used to show on the History channel. You know, before the incident.

I was excited to watch Inherent Vice, because the internet told me to be excited about Inherent Vice. It was some sleek 1970s-esque drama/mystery, complete with Private Eye and missing people. It had a sexy poster and a lot of famous people in it.

I honestly didn’t see too much advertising outside of the internet, but it was also by a well respected director. Paul Thomas Anderson has made quite a few good films, all of them well acted, very well loved.

So despite it taking me, I dunno, two or so months after it first started coming out to theaters, I have finally gotten around to seeing it!

And then, uh, I saw it and left quite disappointed.

I am probably just a prude like this lady here.

Here is what I pieced together.

Larry “Doc” Sportello (Joaquin Phoenix) is a private investigator, a man with sideburns, and someone who loves women, drugs, and other hippie behavior. His ex lady Shasta Fay Hepworth (Katherine Waterston) is now sleeping with a real estate mogul Michael Z. Wolfmann (Eric Roberts). His wife doesn’t like the affair and might be planning something drastic.

Also, unrelated, Tariq Khalil (Michael Kenneth Williams) wants Doc to find his friend, a member of an Aryan gang. The man who also is a bodyguard of Mr. Wolfmann. Oh man. The plot thickens.

Either way, these two inquiries lead Doc on a strange and drug fueled path, featuring death, framing, cunnilingus, sex, more drugs, and more drugs again. Also featuring Hong Chau, Owen Wilson, Reese Witherspoon, Martin Short, Josh Brolin, Maya Rudolph and Benicio Del Toro.

My face when I found out the side burns had their own place in the credits.

I think the main point of Inherent Vice is to tell a decade appropriate story with a decade appropriate amount of drugs and hazy memory. The story feels disjointed because of how messed up the characters actually are. I’d say it is like an unreliable narrator, but I am not even sure who the narrator was, just a woman.

And I hated it. I don’t care how accurate the experience is, it just makes me feel uncomfortable. Which again, is probably the point. But these are feelings I don’t want to feel, the feelings of confusion.

The set is fine. The acting is fine. The music is good. But the story I found impossible to get into. For the most part it just felt like two characters talking to each other and uhh then the next scene. I like dramas, I like talking, I just could do absolutely nothing with this one.

I am not just reviewing Beyond The Lights because it was nominated for Best Original Song in the Oscars. No, I wanted to see it even before that!

However, yes, I am having the review out this week because of that fact.

I wanted to see it because I heard good things despite a somewhat Lifetime movie looking trailer. I wanted to see it because it was a mainly black cast and it had nothing to do with Kevin Hart or Tyler Perry. Some of their movies are terrible, sure, but at least they are actually increasing the amount of color that our TVs can show. So it is always exciting to see someone else do something to break the trend or lack of trend.

Oh hey, wait. It is British? Never mind. This means nothing now.

It can’t even help our current opinions about law enforcement!

Just kidding. Despite starring British people, it is actually American overall. Go back to flying our flags proudly, folks.

Since Noni (Gugu Mbatha-Raw) was a little girl, her mother (Minnie Driver) has been focused on her career as a singer. She was entered into talent contests and her mother would not let her settle for second place. Her mother raiser her alone and always wanted her child to succeed.

Now, many many years later, Noni is about to win a Billboard award with a collaboration with Kid Culprit (Machine Gun Kelly). It is very impressive, since she hasn’t even released her own album. She has just been on three of his tracks and they have all been super popular. Yes. Now is the time for her to break out and get one of the best selling records of all time.

But Noni doesn’t feel happy. Maybe she hates her relationship with Kid. Maybe she hates selling her body for success. Maybe she hates her mother deciding every part of her life. Maybe she just feels fake. Either way, she decides to end her life. She is saved last minute by the current cop watching her room, Kaz (Nate Parker), who calms her down and makes her feel like an individual.

And won’t you look at that. A relationship might come from it too. Sure it starts in an awkward place. He kind of saved her life. There is some awkwardness that might make people question its long lasting-ness. Especially since Kaz himself is only going to be a cop for a little bit. He wants to run for office, a political kind of guy. Being with a pop star might make people question his seriousness.

I am sure none of that will come up though. Also featuring Danny Glover, who is still too old for this shit, as a cop.

When your mom encourages an outfit like this, you know you might actually be a doll.

And then I enjoyed a movie about a pop star struggling with the music industry and feeling like a real person. Of course I did. Put it that way, it sounds brilliant. Sure, first world problems a bit, but everyone should understand the need to feel loved and important.

The romance in this picture feels very realistic and that is actually refreshing given the last few “romance” movies I have seen. They have problems, they have outside forces telling them one thing or another, and they have their own issues to work through, but they try things out and give it their best shot.

Both Mbatha-Raw and Parker give great performances. Driver is a straight up bitch, but it all fit for her character. Hell, I might not have completely hated her by the end either.

Overall, a good romance/drama. And uhh, the songs are decent too. I guess. (It won’t win).