Month: December 2014

Still Alice is another one of those movies that got leaked from Sony ahead of time. But no one cared about Still Alice. They only cared about Fury and Annie.

Personally, I hadn’t heard of the movie at all. It sounds creepy I guess.

But then I heard about buzz for best actress and maybe supporting actress, so I figured I’d watch it earlier than planned. I need all the help I can get in the potential Best Actress category. For whatever reason (sexism?), the movies that get nominated for Best Actress don’t often get nominated for a lot of other rewards. Last year is a poor example, and I might be talking out of my ass, but I think it is true.

At the very least, when I look back on the nominations for Best Actress in the past, I notice that I have seen significantly less of them than others. That sucks. Maybe I am just not as interested in super great female acting performances? Hard to say.

Either way, I am ready to be wowed, way more than I was ready for Mr. Turner.

And more than I am ready for a walk on a beach. I am never ready for a walk on the beach.

This is a story about Alzheimer’s Disease. Some people argue it is the saddest of the diseases. It is sadder than Cancer, AIDS, and definitely sadder than Alcoholism. It definitely worked for Barney’s Version, which was a lot better than the cover gave it credit for.

Dr. Alice Howland (Julianne Moore) is some sort of Psychologist at some sort of university. She is big in career. She is married to Dr. John (Alec Baldwin), also a smart person, who also has some sort of university/scientist based job. They have a nice family too.

Three whole kids! None of them are half. A daughter (Kate Bosworth) who is infertile, sure, but married and going to get one of those science babies with her husband (Shane McRae). A boy (Hunter Parrish) who also is successful with college and all. And a third child. Ugh. A younger daughter (Kristen Stewart), who doesn’t want to do college and wants to be an actress. Gross gross gross.

Either way. Alice starts to forget shit. Sometimes blurry vision. She talks to a neurologist (Stephen Kunken), and yep. She has an early form of Alzheimer’s, rare genetic version. Which has its own complications.

And you know. Other sad things!

Like Vests, the saddest articles of clothing I could imagine.

Ah shit. Sadness. Like man. I cried a couple times. Damn empathy. I used to not feel sad over getting older type stories. But here we go. Getting older. Having a family. Genetics. Diseases. Losing and forgetting memories.

I already mentioned that I liked Barney’s Version, for whatever reason the only Alzheimer’s based movie I could thing of. It was great for Paul Giamatti in the titular role, but it is not something I have ever tried to watch over the last three years. Maybe in another five I will watch it again. But man, Still Alice was really really damn good. The story itself shows the decay in a natural and fantastic way. Also a bit scary. Not a thriller, but man, losing the memories that you are trying so hard to maintain. Being such a smart individual and losing what made you feel unique and special? That is scary. I don’t want to get old and have that happen to me. I don’t want my parents to forget I exist.

Also, Julianne Fucking Moore. Before this movie, I could only guess that maybe Rosamund Pike might win it from Gone Girl. Despite how great she is in that role, Moore is so much better. I haven’t seen Wild. I haven’t seen Cake. But I can’t imagine any performance as good as hers (and I was equally vocal about Cate Blanchette eventually winning last year).

Kristen Stewart was in this movie, and I didn’t think she will win any awards, but she wasn’t terrible or anything. Some of you might be thinking that you are surprised she was in a 4 out of 4 movie before Robert Pattinson. But you’d be wrong, because I really really enjoyed Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire.

4 out of 4.

“Hey, it is that guy!”

Those were my first thoughts seeing anything about Mr. Turner. An actor who normally plays a weasel-y villain character, never really a main dude. But clearly that dude is playing the main dude in this role!

And that role is Mr. Turner. Uhh, apparently some sort of guy who is some historical person who is popular enough to have a biographical film about the end of his life. Yeah, I don’t know anything about this guy. I don’t think I have ever heard his name. But I do know it was one of the movies hacked from Sony and placed online, like Fury and Annie. So if it was going to make any money, it probably lost like, 5% of its sales thanks to it.

I am just saying, if it is going to be hacked and put online, hopefully it is good enough to be worth the effort.

He painted those bitches a painting. Bitches love paintings.

Joseph Mallord William Turner (Timothy Spall) was an artists in Britain. That much you probably already know. I mentioned he was a loyalist, because he apparently left a lot lot of his artwork to the British people, so they can be hung up in museums for people to see. He avoided selling them for outrageous wealth and fortune.

He never married, but he had some sweet mistresses. Also brothels. Also relationships with maids and neighbors.

And you know, he liked art in a weird way. And went to great expanses to get some nice scenes to paint later I guess.

And then you know, eventually he died.

Also with Marion Bailey, Lesley Manville, Dorothy Atkinson, Martin Savage, and other British people.

This shit right here? This is my shit. This is good shit.

Shit. Mr. Turner is another 2.5 hour long movie, and it is another 2.5 hour movie that tends to drag forever. Mr. Turner was so long and unbearably slow that I actually questioned my hobby as a movie watcher and review writer. I didn’t want to finish the film 90 minutes in and I didn’t want to watch any movie ever again. I had such extreme disappointment while it was on the screen that I thought the movie could fall down and kill me.

I had to convince myself that Mr. Turner couldn’t be the death of me. I was like, “No, this movie will not be the final one for my site. Boo! Boo! Boo!”

Which is why most of my discussion here isn’t even about the film.

But yes, overly long and drawn out. Who the fuck is Mr. Turner? A famous British painter? Apparently he was a dick and loved to paint boats. But he was a loyalist to his country. I guess. But if you don’t care about this guy or his paintings, this movie won’t convince you to care. You might learn a little bit, but it won’t be something you remember forever.

I think this movie is for only people who like him and want some sort of biography film. I have said many times that just because someone was famous or had a true story that there doesn’t need to be a movie about it, and this seems to be one of the strongest cases I have ever came across. Fuck Mr. Turner.

0 out of 4.

The Skeleton Twins is a dreary sounding title, if any. The last thing a lot of people want to think about is decayed bodies, and knowing that the decayed body has a copy out there is creepy.

But what do I know. For all I know, the movie is titled that because the leads are relatively skinny/thinny people. Bare boned individuals. You know. The non fatties.

Either way, this film stars two very recent SNL Alums who some show made the show great the last few years, and I know it is not a straight up comedy. When comedians do serious roles, usually the results can be pretty incredible.

I am willing to take the leap that these two are even related for this chance of greatness.

Suicide normally affects a lot of people. But for Milo (Bill Hader), his failed attempt only affected a handful. Namely, it directly affected his twin, Maggie (Kristen Wiig), who got the phone call about the news right before swallowing a bunch of pills herself. How selfish of him.

They haven’t talked in like, a decade really, so this reality is kind of awkward. Maggie invites him to move from LA temporary to NYC, to live with her and her husband (Luke Wilson). She is a lot different than he remembers. I mean. Married, yeah. But they are also trying to have a kid? And she is taking scuba diving classes? What in the effin what.

Milo being back home has his own problems. Like interacting with a high school teacher he had a relationship with when he was 15. And both now have to deal with their general dislike of their “Free spirited” mother (Joanna Gleason).

Either way, a lot of serious shit is going down, and these twins have to adult up handle it all. Or not. Also with Boyd Holbrook and Ty Burrell.

This is how I would handle being an adult, too.

If you are expecting a lot of laughs, prepare your disappointment goggles. There are definitely laughs though, because in real life, there are humorous moments. But the drama for the most part takes the reigns early on and never lets go. And it works out really well.

It isn’t a standard dark comedy type of film either, but one that is able to tackle the serious issues with an occasional smile.

The best part about all is that because Wiig and Hader have worked so long together on SNL, they had fantastic chemistry together as brother and sister. It worked, it really did, despite the clear differences in looks. I feel like they spent a child hood together and I am glad it showed so nicely in movie. It also showcased a good side to their acting that I haven’t seen in awhile.

My words fail me, but The Skeleton Twins pretty good movie. It’s about being an adult, and suicide, in case you missed those points.

3 out of 4.

Day after Christmas, and you know what that means… Boxing Day! The day I don’t pretend to understand but could easily look up. I think it involves even better shopping deals and when people presumably box up their trees for the trash or the attic.

Screw that though, let’s say it is about some secret day to worship some other saint. After all, Christmas is about Saint Nick. There are presumably a whole lot of Christmas days (12? 25?) that people just seem to accept but not question when they are. So now we can say Boxing Day is for St. Vincent.

Sure, some people may say this is one of my more ridiculous openings to a review, where I am clearly just being stupid. And to that, I say, okay.

Legally obligated to show this picture whenever talking about this movie on the internet.

Vincent (Bill Murray) is old, and thus, mean and grouchy. He lives in a run down place, all dirt, nothing growing but a tree in his front yard. So when neighbors move in and their moving company somehow manage to ruin his car, fence, and tree, he is a bit displeased. Not the best way for Maggie (Melissa McCarthy) and her son Olvier (Jaeden Lieberher).

Maggie is going through a divorce. So she has to spend a lot of her time at work making extra money, so she needs someone to watch Oliver sometimes. Vincent is nearby and willing, for a price, because Vincent has gambling debts and other costs that are just racking up. He even has a wife in a nursing home who doesn’t remember him, but he still makes sure she can live in luxury while he lives in filth.

See, Vincent is swell. Even with all the drinking and gambling and care free attitude. Oh, and the pregnant prostitute/stripper (Naomi Watts) that is in his life. Another vice, I guess. But when he is isn’t sexing or getting beat up by an old Terrence Howard, he can sometimes teach Oliver to fight. You know, the important skills.

Oh hey. Chris O’Dowd plays a Catholic Priest teacher, a role I feel like he keeps getting shoe horned into.

This is the best McCarthy movie since Go from 1999, which is saying a whole lot.

I have a pretty weird relationship with Bill Murray. He once gave me a wedgie and ran away yelling “No one will believe this!” the bastard. But also I don’t have the deep appreciation of all the 80’s/90’s comedies he starred in. I like him more in his cameo roles.

But his drama roles are usually pretty top notch. Even in the pretty disappointing The Monuments Man he had one of the better parts in a shower scene (uhh…). And in this role, it felt like Murray was actually acting and not just playing an old man. He had a different persona/character about him and he did it really well.

McCarthy was also really well in this role. I didn’t hate her character in the slightest which was a nice change. I didn’t even recognize Watts at all.

The only issues I really have with this movie is how predictable the whole thing is. Nothing really deviates from an expected path and everything seems to fall into place.

So, it is a well acted and interesting movie? Just not as amazing I had hoped, but still pretty good and worth a watch or two.

3 out of 4.

Ho Ho Ho, bitches! Let’s talk about Santa.

Now, I am partially responsible for the well being and care of two children, currently 5 and 3. And the idea of Santa was tossed around, but me and my wife agreed to not do Santa with them. We don’t like it. I personally don’t care about the spirit of Christmas, and I also don’t like lying (to kids). I see no harm in saying that Christmas is about helping the economy, giving people you love, like or adequately appreciate gifts, and partying near the end of the year. Just had to equate Santa to being a cartoon character and it made sense.

Making it so that they don’t run through kindergarten screaming it is the harder aspect.

But hey, Santa is still cool in my book. Just not going to let some fictional asshole take credit for presents I purchased. And since Christmas was on a Documentary day for my website, I would have preferred to review Saving Christmas. However, I don’t want to give Kirk Cameron any of my money, and I already got duped once paying for a terrible documentary with America: Imagine The World Without Her.

Instead, I found I Am Santa Claus, a documentary from this year, about people who dress up like Santa during the season, and how they act the rest of the year.

We got a lot of variety too. We have a Real Estate Santa, a gay “bear” Texas Santa, a sprinkler salesman who changes his name to Santa Claus, and an unemployed Santa who is hoping for another Santa gig to move into a trailer and out of a basement.

And we also have Mick Foley.

College can literally get you anywhere in life.

That’s right, famous ex-Wrestler Mankind. He really loves Christmas and wants to play Santa for real, not Mick Foley in a Santa costume. So we see him on a quest to learn about how to be a great Santa, get his costume, his hair dyed, the whole works. And you know, give kids the spirit of Christmas or some shit.

But his story isn’t the best. No, the most interesting story is of the unemployed Santa, waiting for weeks to see if he can get his job offer to see if he can afford to move out on his own again. His story has emotions. Two of the four Santas are completely forgettable after the fact. I also did like the concern over a Santa who is a President of the Fraternity Of Real Bearded Santas (FORBS), who apparently opened a swingers bar and practices as well. This made some Santas uncomfortable. The small amount of debate over who should be playing Santa, based on religious backgrounds, gender, or bedroom practices was interesting, but I thought it could have been showcased way better.

So, one Santa story is super interesting. A small debate is interesting. Another Santa and Foley are okay stories. And two I don’t remember a lot about. That turned a potentially awesome Santa documentary into an average one. Oh well. Let’s all go open presents now!

2 out of 4.

I think we are finally done with them. The ones I talked about a lot earlier in the year. You know, The Jesus Movies.

We had Noah. We had God’s Not Dead. We had Heaven Is For Real. We had the Son Of God. And now we finally have Exodus: Gods And Kings.

Obviously, this one is a story from the earlier part of the bible, not a modern tale or a new testament tale, so it will be closer to Noah in terms of size and scope. Which is good, because Noah is the only one of those I enjoyed!

But also, this movie has controversy. Non religious related controversy. Nope, we got race related controversy. This movie features Hebrews and Egyptians, yet the majority of all the actors involved are white people! White people! How dare you Ridley Scott! As I said before in my The Last Airbender review, I don’t give a damn. I just want someone to act good in the role given to them. I don’t care about the color of their skin. I don’t think being the right ethnicity for a role should be a requirement. What is next? Needing to actually have cerebral palsy? Needing to actually be gay?

It’s called acting. That’s all I’m gonna say.

And you can act anything, even a man with a goatee.

Moses (Christian Bale) is just a dude, living in an Egyptian palace, and good friends with Ramesses II (Joel Edgerton), a prince of similar age who he has grown up with. Seti (John Turturro) was the Pharaoh at the time and getting old, so it is obvious that his son would rule after he was gone. But thanks to some shitty cryptic prophecy, there was some tension between the boys.

That, and the fact that apparently Moses was a Hebrew. Once that secret came out, and Moses saved a slave over punishing them, he was exiled from the Kingdom. Bitch. Ramesses’ mom (Sigourney Weaver) wants him dead, Ramesses is more whatever. Exile should kill him.

Moses eventually makes it to a far away village. He meets Zipporah (Maria Valverde), gets his marriage on and becomes a goat herder. Hell, he also sires a child. Why not? He is fine with his peaceful existence, although still kind of hating on Gods. Until he climbs a sacred mountain of course for the lols and gets fucked over a bit. Like, almost dies. But hey, a kid and a burning bush talk to him about leading his people out of Memphis. So I guess that happens.

Last parts of the movie you probably know all about. Some plagues, some dead people, some running, and a lot of Red Sea crossing.

Also starring Ben Mendelsohn as an Egyptian, and Ben Kingsley and Aaron Paul as Hebrews. Kingsley can do whatever he wants, he is a good mimic. Aaron Paul is super weird in his role. Ridley Scott must have liked Breaking Bad.

The goatee grew a bit bigger. That is a lot of the character development.

Exodus: Gods and Kings is 2.5 hours long. Why? Because Bible, I guess. I can’t tell you how long it takes to read the same story, but I bet I could do it all in less than 2.5 hours. Even with all the ye olde language going on. This is a long movie and it feels even longer. Honestly, I feel like it is over a whole hour of movie before we even get to the burning bush. We get a tiny war, to get some plot. We get some mistreated slaves, we get an awkward attempt to exile Moses, and a long boring time before we get the stuff we care about.

The plagues! Of course that is all we want. The trailers show enough of the Red Sea scenes to make them not not as interesting. The plagues were cool, but they were also rushed. They weren’t fully explained either, they kind of just happened and the story kept going. Too much vagueness, not enough explainin, and a whole lot of downtime.

It was hard to stay awake. The acting from everyone, by the way, was completely fine / good in locations. It is just the story that I had issues with and that is due to its extreme boringness.

1 out of 4.

Horror sequels are a hard beast to tackle. Horror spin-offs are another entity altogether. In fact, I literally can’t think of a single one.

After all, having a successful horror franchise is the goal of many horror films. They hope they are scary and unique enough to warrant coming back to. They might even take over completely unrelated projects and just take on the same name in order to live off the hype. But a spin-off? Really.

The Conjuring was a great movie. Most people would agree with that. Eventually we will get a sequel to that, but until then, we get franchise spin-offs based on things we see in The Conjuring. I guess. And honestly, an Annabelle movie talking about her origins before The Conjuring made sense. As long as it isn’t identical to Chucky, and as long as it is entertaining, then bring it on.

I hope they answer how any one could even want this ugly thing in their house.

Annabelle takes place a year before the events of The Conjuring. It is centered on John (Ward Horton) and Mia (Annabelle Wallis). Yes. The main female character is actually named Annabelle. The couple are expecting their first baby soon, and as a gift, John gave Mia the final piece of her doll collection. It cost a lot of money! And it looked creepy before getting all disfigured.

Unrelated to a doll, two members of a cult come by, murder their neighbors, then attempt to murder Mia and her unborn child! But the police show up and save the day, killing those darn cultists! The lady cultist bleeds on the doll, and apparently that is enough to invoke Satan, demons, and other terrifying things.

Needless to say, the doll starts doing some creepy stuff. But the baby is still born, so don’t worry about that! Just…What does this doll want? Hopefully not cuddles. With a new baby in the mix, I sincerely doubt there is time for cuddles.

Also featuring Alfre Woodard, Tony Amendola and Eric Ladin.

Let this be a lesson parents: Never get your child hooked on dolls. It only ends with Satan.

I think I am starting to realize why horror spin-offs don’t really happen or work. Based on all of the ones I have seen (all one), they don’t make a lot of sense in the plot department.

The could make a lot of sense, but that requires caring about the plot and the movie they came from. But based on the ending, there doesn’t seem to be a real reason for why Annabelle matters at all after this movie. Based on the mythos they created for the character and then explained in great detail throughout this whole movie, it should be over.

Now we have this movie and The Conjuring that both don’t do a good job of explaining why she still matters at all. And that is dumb.

Speaking of dumb, the ending in general of this movie was done. And the beginning and middle, but for different reasons.

I can’t believe they created a nonsensical and non-unique evil doll character. What a waste of time. I can’t believe we have to associate this with the awesome The Conjuring from now on.

1 out of 4.

1250.

Welcome to my 1250th review! This Milestone Review is actually a bit cooler than the last few. Something about a “250” is sexy. A quarter of a thousand. That means I am slightly closer to 1500!

Now I know what you are thinking. Freddy vs. Jason? That movie came out like, ten years ago? What in the actual fuck are you doing?

Well, my goal for a lot of these milestone reviews is to pick a specific sort of unique movie. A lot of the times they are well known movies that are critically panned and hated, which allows me to write to a specific audience and laugh at it with them. It also allows these “bad movies” to maybe get a fair shake, should they be great.

Unfortunately with my criteria, I feel like I basically got all the movies in my time frame. I mean, Twilight and all? After all the other movies, I kind of have to branch out more.

The reason I picked Freddy vs. Jason is because it was a pretty intense movie when it came out, putting together two horror icons who have been in pop culture for decades. And I never watched it! I only thought about it thanks to the review of the documentary Never Sleep Again: The Elm Street Legacy. I realized this would be perfect for my next milestone, and I hope it combines the best elements of the two franchise with plenty of death and laughs.

I guess this scene falls under a plot element that both franchises tend to include in their repertoire.

Freddy Krueger (Robert Englund) is a sad evil little nightmare. His power came from fear. He was getting back at the youth of a neighborhood that killed him, because he had it coming. Well, whatever the town did, they seem to have forgot about him. If they aren’t afraid, he has no power. If he has no power, he can’t invade their dreams. If he can’t invade their dreams, he is forgotten and will live an eternity alone.

So he finds Jason Voorhees (Ken Kirzinger). Resurrects him, pretends to be his mother (Paula Shaw), and tells him to head to Elm Street for some revenge killing. If Jason does it right, they will think it is Freddy, and he will be back to kill again!

Especially her. They should make her their main goal and focus mostly on her. Definitely definitely her.

Hey look at that. Freddy’s plans work perfectly. Right after some teen sex, Gibb (Katharine Isabelle) is taking a nice shower, and her boytoy gets stabbed a few times and folded in half in one of those bed things. Man, fucked up! Since he died in a bed and in a weird way, this gets some of the older folks talkin’. They think somehow, despite all their prep, Freddy has come back and is again, going after their kids.

The kids don’t know that yet though. They have been sheltered and hidden from the horrible past of this area. They do know that somehow, some people are getting murdered. And you know what, it isn’t just in their dreams.

Sometimes a weirdo in a hockey mask shows up.

And Jason sure does know how to make an entrance.

Shit, one dude was even in a nightmare with Freddy who was too weak at the time. He woke up and escaped, but then was just straight up murdered by Jason. Everywhere seems to be terrifying.

Outside of the vague nightmares, they wouldn’t really know about Freddy if it wasn’t for Will (Jason Ritter) and his buddy Mark (Brendan Fletcher). They were at the local Psychiatric Hospital. Aka, they were being terrorized by Freddy and the town put them there to keep it away from the untainted youth! They even had a non-FDA approved miracle drug that would suppress dreams. Huh, how handy.

Either way, Will used to date Lori (Monica Keena), our main heroine pictured above. No bad blood between them outside of the fact that she had no idea what happened. He says he saw her dad (Tom Butler) kill her mom. Oh, that’s awkward.

With two supernatural entities, everyone agrees that is the most fucked up part of this.

Wait a minute. Everyone right now has to realize that Jason and Freddy share a universe. So some of these guys have heard about Jason before, and they know that this Camp ClearWater is a haunted area that people don’t go to. They know the stories.

So who is the biggest threat? Should they focus on finding a way to get their dreams to stop, or finding a way to make Jason leave first? They figure they want to get their sleep on, so they should probably go to the Psych Hospital and get that miracle drug so they can sleep with ease.

But even more importantly is that Freddy is really fucking pissed off. Jason on numerous occasions keeps killing, but he doesn’t want that anymore. Jason has killed people in their sleep, right before Freddy can do the job. That isn’t cool man. That is totes uncool.

Yeah man. Why can’t you be chill, man?

So, thanks to the help of young Deputy Scott Stubbs (Lochlyn Munro), they are able to break into the ward! Their team is young stoner Freeman (Kyle Labine), Lori, Will, Lori’s black best friend (Kelly Rowland), and a nerd!! (Chris Marquette).

Well, Freddy decides to possess one of the kids, because now seems like a good idea. He uses the stoner, because he can get him high first.

Stoner Freeman ends up getting rid of all the drugs. Not only that, but he also is able to tranquilize Jason who is still chasing the kids everywhere they go!

That’s right. Now Freddy can fight Jason in the Dream World and finally take him down.

I know, I can’t believe the two iconic characters actually get to fight either.

Well, given it is home turf for Freddy, the nightmare realm, he really starts to fuck Jason over good. So many torture devices to show him the business. But guess what? Jason seems invincible. Nothing is hurting him.

That is because Jason isn’t afraid. It isn’t until Freddy realizes he has one fear, water, that he knows what to do. He takes Jason back to the time when he was young and he drowned at the lake.

Meanwhile, back in the real world. The kids have a plan. They are continually tranquilizing Jason to make sure he doesn’t kill them and driving him back to the camp where he normally lurks. They also tranquilized Lori to go into their dream battle.

They figure if they can bring both of the entities to the camp, Jason has a better chance of beating Freddy. If he wins, then they might leave them alone because he is home. If he loses, well, they still have a Freddy issue, but at least Jason is done.

Lori’s job is to make sure Jason doesn’t die in the dream and to bring Freddy back to the real world with them. Yay more violence!

In this scene, Kelly Rowland calls Freddy a faggot. Not really funny, just awkward 2003 moments.

Needless to say, their plan only kind of works. Eventually Freddy is in the real world too, but more of them keep dying in the process. But at least Freddy and Jason are fighting again. And maybe, just maybe they can escape if one of them wins.

I bet you want to know who wins. Well, neither win of course. They both attack each other with each other’s weapons. But Jason does decapitate Freddy! Just. Freddy still winks by the end of the movie.

That lets us get more sequels that refuse to exist, including the very rumored Freddy vs Jason vs Ash movie that would be very sexy. I don’t care how old Bruce Campbell is.

Oh and Garry Chalk is in this movie as main police chief guy. I couldn’t find a good time to talk about him.

More fight scenes than you can shake a machete at.

For review 1250, I think I picked a really good film. 1300, 1350, 1400, and 1450 might suck, but this one is a decent one and a good one to break my yearly limit for.

I actually found Freddy vs Jason to be very entertaining. It took the extremely campy and scary moments from the Nightmare franchise and combined them decently with the senseless stabby violence of Jason.

I am clearly more of a Freddy fan of the two, but I think both of them were represented in positive lights for their respected franchises. Neither side of this fictional battle should feel slighted by what occurred in this cross over.

And they didn’t even skip out on the fight scenes. They made sure the two main battles between the two were unique, long, interesting, and true to characters. It wasn’t just 2 minutes tacked on to the end. No, we got a lot of it and the build up felt natural.

Well fucking done, guys. Well fucking done.

3 out of 4.

Welcome to the final day of Musical Week! Aww, sad, yes I know. Part of the reason I picked this week for a theme was because of the two musicals coming out, yes. The other reason is because I am on my honeymoon this week, and for the most part, musicals are set in worlds where people are happy and singing and dancing. Dancing is important. If there is no dancing, then you have Les Miserables and that is a sad musical.

But dancing can also be creepy. We learned that with the Thriller music video. Horror Musical isn’t a huge category. Stage Fright from this year attempted it, but it was also definitely a comedy for going for the happy musical + slasher movie elements. The only one I can think of that got really close was Repo! The Genetic Opera.

Oh well look at that. The Devil’s Carnival is done by the same people who brought us Repo! How quaint. I can’t believe how that segue came so naturally~.

In fact, a lot of the actors from Repo! are in this one as well. It is basically an unofficial and not at all related sequel to Repo!

Satan + Dancing = Horror musical.

The stories from The Devil’s Carnival are based upon Aesop’s fables. That isn’t subtle at all, because we have Lucifer (Terrance Zdunich) reading from the book to a kid. But at the start of the film, three people die. Ms. Merrywood (Briana Evigan) dies in a shootout with the police. John (Sean Patrick Flanery) has just lost his son and is about to slit his wrists. Tamara (Jessica Lowndes) was dealing with bad boys and got killed by an angry boyfriend.

And apparently they are all now in Hell!

The Ticket Keeper (Dayton Callie) runs this Hell/Carnival, where it uses demons and devils to teach those new residents their lessons. But you know, with circus themes and shit.

With such carnival employees such as The Painted Doll (Emilie Autumn), Wick (Alexa PenaVega), The Twin (Nivek Ogre), The Scorpion (Marc Senter), Hobo Clown (Ivan L. Moody), The Magician (Bill Moseley), and The Fool (Mighty Mike Murga), who wouldn’t have a good time?

This game is actually my favorite sort of foreplay.

The Devil’s Carnival is only an hour long, but it packs a lot of material and a lot of crazy shit into that hour. Anything more would definitely be pointless. The songs were both eerie and beautiful. There wasn’t a lot of time for talking either, as the story advanced through songs for the most part.

If I had one major complaint, it is that I thought we had repetitive songs. Not tunes or musical themes, but the songs themselves were basically saying the same thing a few times. I think twice this happened, where the plot/punishment was unfolding for the characters,through a song, then someone told the same story/fable in another song right after. It felt awkward. Like, stop talking about the Scorpion and the Frog. I don’t care that much.

Overall it was a really well put together story and the ending implied a lot more is to come. And there is! More importantly, it won’t just be a rehash of the first film with new people coming to Hell and new fables. No, they have grander plans in the underworld. The next movie, The Devil’s Carnival: Alleluia! It will be a full length production and should be coming out in sometime 2015.

I can wait, totally, a good while. Saying “I Can’t Wait” would be dishonest. But a part of me is pretty excited to eventually see where this story goes.

3 out of 4.

Day four of Musical Week also falls on a Thursday. Hmmm. That is my documentary review day. Can I do it? Of course I can do it. When you think “musical” and “docuementary”, the only real cross over would be some sort of concert movie. But! There hasn’t been a sweet teen sensation concert movie for over a year. The last one was the One Direction movie.

So instead I found Metallica Through The Never. You may have guessed it already, but this concert movie/movie has a lot of Metallica music in it. And all of it comes from actual concerts that they filmed the footage at from a few concerts on one of their tours. However there is also a small story in here, clearly fictional with actors, set to Metallica songs, to give us a very strange movie hybrid.

They must have thought a regular concert documentary was boring and for teeny-boppers. So they wanted something more.

The story itself is just about a boy, Trip (Dane DeHaan), a roadie for Metallica, who kind of just has to run and get stuff. Well, during the concert, he has to go and find a package in truck that ran out of gas. Get the truck gas, so it can deliver the package that is very important, for reasons.

But chaos has broken out in the streets. Death, riots, destruction, and maybe some supernatural things as well! And who is The Rider (Kyle Thompson)? Is he the Sandman?!

I picked a concert photo so you all wouldn’t call me out on shenanigans.

I am not a huge Metallica song by any means. None of their songs are on my iPod, but I recognize the famous ones, and I know to make fun of the driver due to his anti-Napster campaigns.

Despite that, I was surprised at how many of the songs played I honestly recognized. Probably at least half of them. So that was a bonus. The music didn’t sound terrible either and it fit the story they were telling nicely.

The story itself? Well, it felt like an acid trip. No crazy colors, but all the other elements were there. At points it was terrifying, mostly it was weird, but it was definitely entertaining.

In fact, I wanted way more of the story and way less of the concert scenes. That is a terrible complaint, I know, for what amounts to a concert film. But because it is a hybrid, I expected more time focused on the story. I would guesstimate the average movie went 75% concert, 25% story.

It should go without saying that if you hate Metallica music, or the genre of music, you won’t gind any enjoyment in this movie. I thought it was a okay experience, and what I can tell, a good first effort for this fantasy concert genre.

2 out of 4.