Month: September 2013

Disconnect was one of the many films to come out in the spring of 2013 to theaters, but never to my area. It is such a shame, really. However, this one was never given an advance V.O.D. treatment either, so I didn’t have it on the backburner for months stewing either. Nope, this review is coming out the first week I could literally get my hands on it. Boo yah.

I also literally got wet during this scene.

Technology. I love it. Some other people love it. Some people avoid it at all costs.

In today’s world, we are all really connected in some way or another. Social media has made connecting with someone incredibly easy, expanding social circles to sizes never before seen, even if they are structurally weaker than before.

This is all gibberish now. Disconnect tells three or so stories about technology, the dangers of too much information, and how the littlest thing can affect another human being without realizing it. How people looking for human contact might find themselves too hooked up to really meet they’re goal.

We have Kyle (Max Thieriot), an internet webcam model, potentially part of a large child smuggling operation, and the news reporter (Andrea Riseborough) who wants to bring light to his situation and rise further in her own work place.

We have Jason (Colin Ford), who with his friends, like to make practical jokes. They target another guy in they’re grade, Ben (Jonah Bobo), because he looked at them weird. What transpires eventually brings their families together in ways they would have never imagined, or liked in the first place. Jason Bateman and Hope Davis play Ben’s parents, and Haley Ramm his older sister, while Frank Grillo plays Jason’s dad, a detective.

Finally, we have Cindy (Paula Patton) and Derek Hull (Alexander Skarsgard). They lost their baby boy about a year ago, and they have been grieving ever sense. Cindy has turned to an online grief group, because her husband has become incredibly distant, while Derek has turned to online gambling. But when their identity gets stolen in the process by one of the sides, they have to finally work together and learn a lot about their other half. Michael Nyqvist pops up here, as the identity taker in question.

This is Jason Bateman discovering Rule 34.

You can probably guess a lot of the ways these plot lines unfold, from my brief descriptions. That is what I thought too. And sure, the obvious stuff does happen. But I was constantly surprised with where they took this movie, from conflict to conflict. With how they connected their various stories. With the range of emotions displayed by everyone in the cast, there will be someone you can relate too.

Shit, I was surprised that the “random sister role” by Haley Ramm ended up being really good as well. Her major scenes came completely out of nowhere, and she kicked ass with very little to work with.

All of the plot lines are not equally powerful. The webcam one is clearly the worse of the three. I think they spend less time with it as well. Early on I liked it, but I think it was a bit more dragged out than the other stories. Despite that, the “climactic ending”, which had very well done cinematography, brought out the best of every plot line. Yes, even the weakest one. Well done, making me care and all.

This is definitely a movie that will stay with you for some quite some time, so when you watch it, I suggest you put full effort into watching it. A lot of “text” appears on the screen throughout, because internet yo, so you will have to pay attention. The movie may feel a bit preachy, but even this guy here, who loves all of this technology shit, could still enjoy the hell out of it.

4 out of 4.

Fuck, another movie that I had for months, and waited for the DVD release, like a noob.

It is a shame, when HBO released Behind The Candelabra, I heard nothing but good things. I mean, it is a biography about Liberace! Not that I know really anything about him, as he died before I existed. I just knew he was a flamboyant man, and was part of a joke in Austin Powers. So the good news, I am going to learn a lot about a famous person, and get that much closer to being a master of pop culture.

Good, I have at least one potential benefit.

Alternatively, this might just be two hours of butt sex.

The movie begins in 1977, where Liberace (Michael Douglas) is already world famous and the biggest act in Las Vegas. What did he do? He entertained, in almost every fashion. He was great at piano, could tell a story, and was very flamboyant/extravagant. But oh no, he wasn’t gay, never say that. He would sue you. [Plot twist, later in real life, it was found out to be true.]

This is kind of about that story. But also the story of Scott Thorson (Matt Damon). Who is he? Well in 1977, he was only 17, an animal trainer, and wanted to be a vet. He was a bisexual man who happened to see Liberace in Vegas and get to meet with him backstage. Liberace liked him. He hired him to be an assistant.

Assistant apparently means young supple boy lover!

Aw yeah true love.

Unfortunately, this story is about the last ten years of Liberace’s life, so really, I don’t want to say too more, minus the obvious ending. It was great to see Rob Lowe in a small role as a plastic surgeon, and Dan Aykroyd did not look like Dan Aykroyd, he looked like a younger Elliott Gould.

Sex, a hidden lifestyle, AIDS, jealousy, plastic surgery, dollar dollar bills, drug addiction, and traveling the world. What a crazy last ten years or a man to live.

Oh yeah, Rob Lowe didn’t look like Rob Lowe either.

Man, Liberace is really good with his fingers. I mean for piano reasons. Big talent. Huge ego. No, I don’t know what I am doing right now.

A man with such a big personality you would think lives an interesting life. Well, fuck yes he does. A lot of cool and bizarre shit. If the movie is true. It is based on the autobiography of Scott Thorson, after Liberace died. Why? Because Liberace fucking had a clause with everyone that made it so if they ever said he was gay, he could sue them, and would claim it is a lie. Even going so far to release his own biography, making up fake women loves of his life, just to appeal to the masses.

It is a strange an interesting story, one that felt like it left a lot out unfortunately. My biggest complaint. A lot is missing, it goes a bit fast, makes big jumps.

But you know what was the most amazing aspect? The acting by Michael Douglas and Matt Damon in this movie. Douglas was so into that character, I believed completely that he was Liberace. It was really fucking outstanding, and something I haven’t seen from Douglas in some time. Matt Damon still looked a little bit like Matt Damon, but he too really embraced this role, holding nothing back. I mean it. Nothing. Held. Back.

He didn’t pull a 1993 Will Smith in Six Degrees of Separation. Sorry, maybe one other person will get that reference.

These two were really fucking great at their roles. You should watch it for that reason. I just hoped there was a lot more biography in the film is all.

3 out of 4.

I was really excited for The Family, I really was. Luc Beeson, who gave us Leon: The Professional and The Fifth Element, was directing this movie, and Martin Scorsese was the executive producer. If anyone knows mob movies, it is Scorsese.

An all star cast, the only person really missing from it was Ray Liotta. What could go wrong?

Nothing could go wrong with his beard, that is for sure. Well, a lot could, apparently.

The Family starts off with the family moving to the wonderful land of Normandy, France. Why? Well, Giovanni Manzoni (Robert De Niro) used to live in NYC, working high up in the mob. But he is a snitch, and as we know, snitches dig ditches…unless they can’t be found. To reward his snitchiness, the FBI (Tommy Lee Jones) has rewarded him with witness protection for the rest of their lives. After all, if they let snitches die, then people won’t snitch, and they won’t arrest the bad guys. That would be sad.

Too bad Giovanni keeps causing too much of a scene wherever they go, so they have to keep finding new places across France to live.

Normandy, famous for getting invaded by the good guys in World War II, is now getting invaded by the “Blake” family. His wife, “Maggie” (Michelle Pfeiffer), daughter, “Belle” (Dianna Agron), and son, “Warren” (John D’Leo).

Of course, with a new town, comes new backgrounds. Hopefully Giovanni’s idea to become a writer, working on his actual memoirs, doesn’t come to bite him or his family in the ass.

Also featuring Jon Freda as the main hit man after the family, and Vincent Pastore as a mobster. Classic Vincent.

Tommy Lee Jones doesn’t smile. Tommy Lee Jones is not amused. The good news is that Ray Liotta is totally in this movie. For about a second, just his voice, and technically a cameo, but darn it, I am counting it.

The premise of the film is simple enough. Quirky characters trying to assimilate into a quiet community, but they’re not trying too hard. Each character has a unique plot line, however only two of them are really fleshed out, De Niro and Agron.

Pfeiffer’s side plot (getting involved with a church) has the fewest scenes actually associated with it, and D’Leo’s sideplot seems to be missing important steps. He goes from getting in trouble at school one moment to running away the next without a real explanation. Agron’s sideplot involved falling in love with her math tutor, and unfortunately, the love or the repercussions of that love all felt fake.

Strangely enough, the only person I really enjoyed in this movie was Tommy Lee Jones. His character wasn’t in large portions of the film, and he was incredibly sarcastic, but somehow it all worked.

But in all honesty, for an action comedy, I barely laughed, and the action was pitiful. De Niro was charming at least. The film climaxed with a sudden blood bath, and then just sort of ended. No real conclusion and an unsure amount of character growth.

Basically, an overall waste of talent and my time. That is when I realized that The Fifth Element was 16 years ago, and Beeson hasn’t done too well since then. Clearly the man has lost his touch.

 

1 out of 4.

Uh oh. This is the second movie I have reviewed with the name Aftershock. The first one, Aftershock, was an amazing Chinese drama film from 2010, over two hours long, on netflix, fantasticles. I could not say enough good things about it.

This one? Well, it was made 2 years later, and is a disaster/horror film, written by Eli Roth. You know, the Bear Jew on Inglourious Basterds. I mean, technically this one is foreign too, kind of. So maybe it will be just as good?

Maybe, just maybe, this one will make me cry?

Hooray, parties!

Apparently Chileans really love to party. That is why Gringo (Eli Roth) is hanging out with his two “Friends”. I actually don’t know why he knows them, but he came down from California to visit and live it up. Maybe even get laid. Ariel (Ariel Levy) and Pollo (Nicolas Martinez) are is guides around town. The only thing I really know about them is that Pollo is disgustingly rich, and has a famous dad, who is also rich yo. So they get all of the hookups.

Later, they are at a literal underground nightclub. Seriously underground, with all of the cool kids. There they meet up with some chicks they talked to earlier, some of which are siblings, models, and friends. Monica (Andrea Osvart), Irina (Natasha Yarovenko) and Kylie (Lorenza Izzo).

They try to split them up for hooking up, but drama blah, OH FUCK BIG ASS EARTHQUAKE. Shit starts falling everywhere, people dying under the rock, and lots of people getting trampled. Ariel is such a good guy, he helps a girl escape from the bar, but loses his hand in the process. His mother fucking hand!

It turns out, getting out of the club into the open isn’t actually too hard. Surviving on top, however. Shit. Looting, turned over buildings, transportation all but gone, no phone service, and the aftershocks which knock down even more shit. Is that a tsunami warning? You bet your ass it is! What is that? The prison in the area had its walls knocked down, so prisoners are running around town, killing and raping things? Shit. That is bad.

Good luck random group of unlikable people! Watch your holes.

Beard guys is the rich guy. He literally has everything going for him.

What can you say really about a disaster horror movie? Well, the only thing you can really hope for, is that it is entertaining enough, and people die in creative ways.

And boy do they!

So many people die, a variety of ways. Crashing infrastructure, fire, bullets, axe to the back, falling from long distances, and of course drowning and pounding.

I felt dirty writing that sentence.

Needless to say, the acting is kind of shit, and it takes maybe too long for the earthquake to occur, but once it does, it is kind of entertaining. Also pretty gross and graphic I am surprised how far they went. They made tons of allusions at the beginning of the film, and by golly, did they deliver them later.

So it gave me what I can hoped for. I wish the jokes they attempted worked out better. Maybe less subtitles too, but I am just lazy. It was decent for what it was going for, and entertaining just a tad bit. But I do work on earthquakes for my job, so maybe I just find the subject appealing.

2 out of 4.

Fuck.

Sorry, didn’t mean to alarm you. But I should note that now that I don’t write reviews for every theatrical movie release, I can now post some of them quicker and with less edits. Yay multiple reviews for the newspaper! So I threw in a fuck, because I don’t have to self censor myself for this review. I just type endlessly about random shit, because it really doesn’t matter when it just on this website. Quality be damned!

See, I haven’t even said the movie title yet, 85 words in. I am such a shithead.

There is no need to be upset.

Insidious: Chapter 2 takes place immediately after Insidious. So, spoilers, yo.

Well, Elise (Lin Shaye) is dead and strangled, but by who? A ghost? Preposterous! I bet it was Josh (Patrick Wilson) back from Astral Projection, so do the cops, minus the astral part. His wife, Renai (Rose Byrne) isn’t sure what to think, but she is happy to have her child (Ty Simpkins) back.

Either way, they decide to go live with Lorraine (Barbara Hershey), Josh’s mom, after the incident. Different house, same shit.

It is almost as if the evil demon spirits are attaching themselves to a person and not the house like we learned in the first film. Hmmm.

Because Elise had to go and die on us, we are introduced to Carl (Steve Coulter), Elise’s assistant from way back when Josh was a kid. Leigh Whannell and Angus Sampson still exist too, as the younger, yet also technically formerly assistants of Elise.

Insidious: Chapter 2 delves deeper into astral projecting. But also, shaky cams, possessions, abandoned creepy hospitals, and more back story than you knew was necessary. PLOT PLOT PLOT. Imagine those plot words came at you with a loud shrieking noise, like the title INSIDIOUS did in the first movie twice…and in this movie…twice as well.

A lot of similarities between part 1 and 2, is all I am sayin’.

James Wan likes to make some weird movies, that is for sure. If you saw Insidious you may have found it scary, but you definitely would have also called it unique. It was doing stuff that had not been touched before, just to ensure it stood out.

Well, Chapter 2 continues with the weird, but potentially fails to deliver any real fears or tears. Seriously. I was in a packed theater opening night, and I don’t really remember the audience reacting in any way outside of laughter. Not the “I’m too cool to be scared, so I will laugh” laugh. But Chapter 2 has lots of jokes in it, and some slapstick humor, thanks to the bumbling assistants.

But no scares, which seems fundamentally flawed as a horror film.

The story itself was interesting though. Stylistically, it felt like Wan didn’t know what kind of horror film he wanted, and kept changing a few things. Like, suddenly, a wild abandoned hospital appeared. Who the fuck has one of those in their cities, just taking up space? Astral Projection of course eventually returns, and almost reminds me of the time in Bill and Ted’s Bogus Journey when they went to Hell and ran through their past fears. A lot of it was kind of clever, just unexpected for this movie.

Major props to Lindsay Seim who had to play “Young Elise” in this movie. Shit, she looked and seemed like Elise, my mind was freaking out about the excellent make up. Well done no name.

Overall, I’d say it is less scary than the first Insidious, and thus technically an inferior film. Other parts were better overall as the the universe was expanded. The ending was stupid though. Fuck that ending.

2 out of 4.

Magic Magic. I like magic. I hope this movie is about magic.

You know, I sometimes watch movies just because there is magic in the title. That is why I watched Magic Mike, obviously. So this has double the magic, which is why I doubly chose to watch this movie.

But in all honesty, you know I am actually watching it for this creepy mother fucker right here.

Chile is a strange place, and that is what Magic Magic has really taught me.

Alicia (Juno Temple) is a young woman traveling to Chile with her cousin Sara (Emily Browning) who she hasn’t seen in some time. Alicia isn’t from the area, but Sara is going to school there, and even has a boyfriend, Agustin (Agustin Silva).

Well, as soon as they set off on a mini vacation to a cool house on a lake, Sara has to leave. She apparently has a test that she has to take, or she will fail the class. Bad timing. Alicia wants to stay with Sara, because she doesn’t know any of these people, but they all convince her to come along and it will be fun. Sure.

Alicia does not have a fun time. She drops Barbara’s (Catalina Sandino Moreno) bag in the water early on, so Barbara might dislike her. Brink (Michael Cera) keeps hitting on her, but she thinks he is a sadist.

Basically, everyone is out to get Alicia, and she doesn’t feel like they are the best sorts of people. And her friend has abandoned her! For more than a day like she promised. What the hell Sara. THESE PEOPLE MIGHT TRY TO KILL HER. AND YOU ARE GONE. FOR FUCKS SAKE SARA.

NO. FUCK SARA AND AGUSTIN AND BARABARA AND BRINK. ESPECIALLY BRINK. HE IS PROBABLY A RAPIST. NO DEFINITELY A RAPIST.

Look at him, staring into her back like that.

Sorry, I went a little bit off the edge there at the end of that plot outline.

Kind of like how Sara starts freaking out. First small gradual freak outs, but over time, full on freak out mode. See, I modeled it after the movie, you’re welcome.

This movie is pretty weird, and it really doesn’t have magic in it, and definitely not two forms of magic. Allegedly psychology classes watch it to try and determine what is wrong with Sara, but I doubt that. This movie literally came out mid August, 2013, so as of now, they can’t possibly have that info to back it up. Wikipedia is lying.

I think the acting from Juno Temple and Michael Cera here are incredible. Cera is creepy while also maintaining a nice guy attitude towards things, while Temple feels like her life is crumbling away from her. She is only on vacation for like three or four days, to give the movie even more context.

The ending was surprising, but if you pay enough attention to the details, you can see how and why it happened. However, it still felt a bit cut off and left unfinished by the end, bugging me pretty hardcore. There is also a lot of Spanish in this movie, but no subtitles, so maybe it is meant for the viewers to relate better to Sara throughout, in an unfamiliar area.

Overall, it is just okay, and would be best seen for the pretty good acting. The plot and ending could have been a bit better.

2 out of 4.

Heh. The Hole.

Heh heh heh.

Heh.

Oh. This isn’t that funny anymore.

Dane (Chris Massoglia), Lucas (Nathan Gamble) and their mom (Teri Polo) are moving to another new home, in another non descript good old fashioned US City.

The kids find a hole in they’re basement. It is deep. It is dark. So dark. Oh well.

Eventually they start seeing weird things happen. You know, a puppet moves around on its own. They see a tiny (dead?) girl creeping around the house and going into the hole. Just a lot of weird things. They also introduce their neighbor, Julie (Haley Bennett), to the hole, and it goes okay.

After talking to Creepy Carl (Bruce Dern) who lives down the street, he claims the hole as existed since the first fear existed. That’s right, it may be a funnel to hell, but it scares you with your greatest fears, and manifests them into a real entity that can hurt you. Shit. And these fuckers had to go and open it, dooming everyone.

“Yep, that’s a hole.”

The only reason I decided to watch The Hole is because it was directed by Joe Dante, who brought us Gremlins and Small Soldiers, both scaryish films but decent for kids in their own ways. I like them both, and nostalgia aside, I think they are both rewatchable many years later. So I was hoping this movie would be similar to them in nature.

Well, I don’t think The Hole is really similar to them at all. Sad but true.

It goes for a horror-esque element, but nothing felt terrifying, just hokey. Hell, Small Soldiers still kind of frightens me when I watch it. This one is just lacking any of the same humor level and fear. It is just some kids being kids. Not an exciting topic for this adult.

This story reminded me of another horror movie I saw in my youth. The Gate. In The Gate, a group of kids find a hole in their backyard, not their basement, and it leads to hell. Demons come out, scary shit. I remember it vaguely, I remember it terrified me, even though it was PG-13 and I was the appropriate age. I can’t imagine anyone finding this one scary. So yeah, a very similar story. Not too original Joe Dante.

Shit. The Gate had a young Stephen Dorff in it. Very surprising, he grew up to be famous! I wonder if any of these kids will matter in 10 years. (Probably not).

1 out of 4.

Remember Me?

What have YOU done lately for me to remember, huh? Okay, one of you I guess was in Lost awhile ago. Went all crazy, had a baby. Then had some small pointless role in Once Upon A Time. So I can only really remember you from TV shows.

The other one? Well, you were just in Cosmopolis, and who knows what happened in that movie. You also gave Water To Elephants and kind of went passive Vampire for five movies.

Seriously. Not much to remember.

Oh wait. No. I will always remember you, Cedric Diggory.

The movie begins in 1991. A little girl, and her mom, waiting for a train in NYC. Muggers. Mom gets shot. Daughter is sad. Her dad was on the job, and could not save them.

FLASHFORWARD TEN YEARS LATER.

Ally Craig (Emilie de Ravin) is still living with her dad, Neil (Chris Cooper), who has been a NYC cop this whole time. There is some guilt there, I bet.

Meanwhile, at a different part of town, Tyler (Robert Pattinson) has moved out of his parents home. His parents are divorced. His dad, Charles (Pierce Brosnan), works in some really big building/workplace in NYC, is super rich, but has no time for his family. That is why he and the mom (Ruby Jerins, who really isn’t in this movie much), got divorced. Also, because one of their sons ended up killing themselves. Eek. Now Charles is ignoring his youngest child, a daughter, and it really pisses off Tyler.

Two attractive people in broken homes in 2001. Of course they meet each other. Well, only because Tyler gets arrested by Neil, over a silly dispute. Tyler and his friend hate Neil now, so the friend finds out he has a daughter. So Tyler should totally go out with her, sex her up, and break her heart. That will show that lame cop. Yeah. Yeah.

But love, though. Love.

See? Love.

I reviewed this movie on purpose today, and I think I left enough hints. So if you missed them, you probably were skim reading and not paying attention to details. Probably not even a scientist! Either way, by now, you might realize something that happens in this film.

In fact, that something is basically the ending. Like a secret twist, that they were hinting at throughout.

Overall? I thought it was kind of lame, the ending. The event happens, they decide to not show any of it, and then we flash forward a year or so, to watch how all of the characters lives have changed in the meantime. It felt almost like a copout to me. I wanted more, damn it.

The rest of the film before hand I didn’t think was that bad. Sure, I didn’t feel too sorry for either characters situation. Neither actor really fit the role they were given, in my mind, so it was hard to believe.

But I did like the acting. Actually, I thought Robert Pattinson did incredible in this movie. Better acting from him than any other movie I have seen him in, and I have now seen NINE of them. Nine fucking movies with Robert Pattinson, holy shit. This is his top one. I think he had top notch emotions and really felt his anger over his father and family, despite not believing his role on its own.

Yeah, I don’t get it either. So unfortunately, despite his great acting, I probably will not remember him for this movie, because his other roles are just too gosh darn famous. But I’d say overall, it is okay on its own, if not a little bit slow. Sorry for ruining the ending. But not really.

2 out of 4.

Watching random horror films is almost my go to now. Since I am so far behind, I look for one with a shitty or silly cover, and just go for it.

Smiley? That shit creeped me out. Dude has some sort of skin face, with eyes and a smile face stitched in, no real other features.

What is more surprising, regardless, is that the director of this film is Michael J. Gallagher, who you haven’t heard of. Why? Because as of Sept 1, 2013, he is only 24 years old, directing Smiley when he was 22/23. He has been directing shorts and other things since 2005, when he was 16, so the dude knows what he wants. It is just strange to see a movie at all directed by someone younger than 40, more or less. Kevin Smith directed Clerks when he was only 24, and look what happened to him. Can this guy be the next K. Smith?

That smile is like, mocking me. Go away creeper.

Trololololololol.

This movie takes place in a super modern world, where teenagers and college kids actually know about the internet. They have 4chan, Reddit, Anonymous hacker group and all of that shit. They also have a strange version of Chat Roulette. Okay, it is identical yo Chat Roulette minus the name. However, there is an urban legend going around that there is a dark entity that can kill people over video chat if you summon him.

“HOW DO YOU SUMMON HIM?” you ask, quite loudly. Well, you just have to type in the magic phrase three times.

“WHAT IS THE MAGIC PHRASE?” stop yelling.

I did it for the lulz.
I did it for the lulz.
I did it for the lulz.

Yeah. I am serious, this is true for the movie. You also have to want the person to die, it won’t work if you don’t believe. But when some college kids start testing its limits, they begin to freak out when they realize that Smiley knows what they look like, as he can see them through the other webcam. What if, after he kills for you, he eventually comes for you?

Starring Caitlin Gerard as our heroine, Melanie Papalia, Shane Dawson, and Andrew James Allen as other college kids, Keith David and Toby Turner as cops, and Roger Bart as an ethics professor.

Wait. Roger Bart? That dude. He was the singing voice of Young Hercules in Hercules. Weird as fuck.

I did your mom for the lulz.

Smiley is beyond ridiculous. You can tell from my description I hope. A young director does mean we get to see a movie about things that teens and college people know about today, so that was interesting.

The ending featured a twist I can say I didn’t see coming, but I loved, even if it didn’t really make sense. What they were trying to get at was pretty cool, and the implications of it in the real world can be felt. Sorry, trying to not give away the twist, but I am just sounding like a Vague Valerie.

Shit, just watch it maybe. Or let me spoil it for you. Or look it up. Either way, kind of a shitty movie, but it was a bit entertaining.

2 out of 4.

Vin Diesel is living out every stereotypical nerds dream. Most people know by now that he loves roleplaying. No, not just acting in a movie, but pen, paper, and dice. Heck, he wrote the forward to a book celebrating 30 years of Dungeons & Dragons. So the Riddick character is basically living out his childhood fantasies, with him as the star, and kicking major butt the entire time.

The movie Riddick, follows Pitch Black and The Chronicles of Riddick, while switching genres once again. The first film was Sci-Fi Horror, the second film was Sci-Fi Action Adventure, and this new film is Sci-Fi Action Thriller. Basically a cross breed.

This third project was over nine years in the making, and has gone through financial woes and rewrite after rewrite. Diesel had to put up millions of his own money just to keep filming when the cash ran out and also leveraged his own house. Let’s just say, he really loves the Riddick character, and is willing to put all of his eggs in one basket.

“Take these shackles off my feet so I can dance.“

Another day, another fight for survival.

Riddick (Diesel) finds himself trapped again on a desolate and unforgiving planet, stranded and alone. Left for dead, the Necromongers betrayed their new leader after the events of the second film, and Riddick has no idea how he is going to get off the world. He soon learns to adapt on this new planet, figuring out the meanest creatures and their weaknesses, while also taking in a pet of his own.

But a storm is on the horizon. A literal storm, I mean. It is slow moving, but the water appears to awaken a force buried in the ground, one that he cannot survive on his own.

So he decides to lay a trap. He lets the universe know where he is hiding, so he can ambush the crew and take a ship before it is too late. However, two bounty ships appear, both with very different motives behind them. One ship is lead by Santana (Jordi Molla) with six men (including Dave Bautista), looking for the bounty. The other crew is lead by Johns (Matt Nable) and second in command Dahl (Katee Sackoff), and they are looking for answers.

Dude. Who gave him a cape?

The Riddick movie has two main acts associated with it. The first is his survival on a new planet, with little dialogue (but some voice over). It moves at a slow pace to really make us feel for his character. The second act introduces a variety of characters who bring with them guns, dialogue, and opposite motives for capturing Riddick.

Although the film attempts to give a few of them personalities, the only two bounty hunters who end up standing out are the leaders from both sides. I did get some chuckles out of Bautista, but I knew that was his sole purpose in the film.

I’d say I liked the first half a lot more than the second half. They took their time with combat and death felt like it was actually possible. The action became choppier and less scary when they introduce darkness and guns. Strange, I know. They probably had to rush filming the ending, along with the budget concerns, so that must be to blame.

On its own, I found the movie possibly more entertaining than the other two films in the franchise, but there is one drastic problem with it that cannot be overlooked, and something I don’t think I have harped on before.

Riddick has so much rampant sexism in it, that I almost got sick during the actual movie. That’s right, the excessive gore didn’t sicken me, just the Riddick-ulous amount of sexism.

There is only one woman character in the film who is given a name, and her name is Dahl. You might have realized on your own that it is pronounced just like Doll. I’d say over 90% of the lines said by her, or said to her, are sexual in nature. Literally, the character exists merely as a sex object. Sure, she is able to hold her own in combat, but she is also the only character to be given a small (and surprising) shower scene. With only one topic coming out of her mouth, it is hard to take any part of her role in the film seriously.

Her character also is a lesbian, because that is apparently the only reason she would be a mercenary and always talk about sex. However, it turns out her sexual orientation is no match for Riddick’s charm (And hornyness after being on a planet alone for a few years). Who does Vin Diesel think he is, Ben Affleck? (Affleck “turned a lesbian straight” in two films, Chasing Amy and Gigli).

I think if her character was more than some strange sexual fantasy, this movie could have been a lot better. The “brown filter” I thought would annoy me, but I was able to get over it. The not so amazing CGI I thought would annoy me, but I got over it. The rushed second half and treatment of women I really just can’t forgive or ignore.

 

2 out of 4.