Month: August 2013

Well, if no one else is going to say it, I will.

I thought the title was better when it was written out as jOBS. It made me laugh and it was cute. Sure, some saw it as disrespectful, but I thought it was funny. Steve Jobs had a sense of humor after all, and this movie isn’t even a full biography.

Now we have the title as Jobs, (Trailer) which is a terrible name for a movie if you try to Google it without any extra words.

Sony is doing their own Steve Jobs movie that is being written by Aaron Sorkin, based on his biography from 2011. It will come out within the next two years, it will probably include his death and it will have a more serious tone.

“Draw me like one of your French Girls…”

The iPod. You probably have one. It helped change the music scene forever. Our story begins with a press conference of its release in 2001, then takes us back a few decades to get a more complete story.

It takes us back to Steve Jobs (Ashton Kutcher) while he is already in college. I mean physically he is in a college, but he is a free spirit and not actively enrolled, despite being a pretty smart dude. After some design classes, we then see him working for Atari. He wants to be innovative, but everyone else just wants to keep the status quo. It turns out, he doesn’t work well with others, so he has to be put on his own projects.

But once his friend Steve Wozniak (Josh Gad) shows him an invention he is working on, his life changes. Woz has made a machine that will display text that you type on a “keyboard” when hooked up to your television. Mind blowing, I know. That way you can see what you are working on, as you work on it.

With an eventual investment from Mike Markkula (Dermot Mulroney), they soon turn their garage corporation start up into a very successful corporation, leading the personal computer craze with the Apple II launch!

They even become a publicly traded company! This becomes bad news when they end up in development hell with the Lisa computer (and eventually the Mac) spending tons of resources and time on a machine that Steve will not release until it is 100% perfect. This leads the board of directors (J.K. Simmons) to get a new CEO for the company, John Sculley (Matthew Modine), the man who invented the Pepsi Challenge.

Jobs tells the story of a man who had a vision, and had a hard time getting that vision to the public. Steve Jobs would walk over anyone to achieve his dreams too, even his friends, because he really isn’t a nice person. The movie basically takes us up to the release of the Mac computer in the late 90s, in their attempt to make it sexy again. and briefly talks about the release of the iPod.

The Woz was later made even more famous thanks to the show Code Monkeys.

Basically, what I learned from this movie is that Steve Jobs could be a real jerk. He ignores his friends who helped get the company off of its feet. He threatens to sue his competition. He refuses to let people who work with him who tend to differ in opinion. He even refuses to believe his daughter is actually his.

He was not a swell guy.

What I dislike most about the movie is how disjointed it all feels. It is not a complete story by a long shot, only focusing on a few major events. By skipping around every few years, we are left to catch up every time the movie skips to another important event.

The ending included an inspirational radio quote by Steve, but it came about pretty suddenly. It was odd that they didn’t even talk about the idea for the iPod, and only mentioned it in the first scene. If they had it in complete chronological order, they could have at least ended it with the iPod scene, which would have provided some sense of closure. Partial biography or not, as a movie, it should have a coherent plot and an ending.

Ashton Kutcher as Steve Jobs did give him a chance to actually act for once and I’d say he did a great job. But the rest of the acting was just okay and overall this didn’t feel like it did a good job of telling me a lot about Steve’s life outside of a few specific events. It didn’t try to find out why he was a jerk to his friends, or where he got his inspiration from. I hope the next movie they make on his life is a bit better, and gives a more complete story.

 

1 out of 4.

Author Note: This review has been censored by the Author himself for hilarity sake, not any entity running this review.

Kick-[Butt] 2 is the sequel to Kick-[Bottom], that much is obvious.

What is not obvious is why Jim Carrey started acted strangely this summer, so I think we should discuss it first. In June, he tweeted that he could not support the level of violence in Kick-[Rear] 2, which was shot a month before the Sandy Hook incident.

However, his actual character in the movie, while violent, happens to be a born again Christian who refuses to use guns or swear. Yes, he actively protests gun violence with his character, yet won’t support the film? Ridiculous. Needless to say, his cast members had some choice words to say about the incident, and the sheer silliness of it all probably will lead to more people seeing Kick-[Posterior] 2 than before.

Thanks Jim. Gee whiz. This movie takes place a few years after the events of the first film. Dave Lizewski (Aaron Taylor-Johnson) has now given up crime fighting, but we all know that isn’t going to last long. Mindy (Chloe Grace Moretz) is going to high school for the first time, and as a 15 year old girl, she has a lot to learn about real world teenage girls. She eventually gives up Hit-Girl, as a promise to her passed away father and new caretaker, Detective Marcus (Morris Chestnut).

It doesn’t take long for Dave to go back to his superhero roots, but finds fighting crime alone to be a bit daunting. He decides to team up with Dr. Gravity (Donald Faison), who introduces him to the vigilante group, Justice Forever! Lead by Colonel Stars and Stripes (Carrey), it also features Battle Guy (Clark Duke), Insect Man (Robert Emms), and Night [Female Dog] (Lindy Booth).

But evil is lurking. Chris D’Amico (Christopher Mintz-Plasse) is upset over his fathers death (understandably), and wants to get revenge. In order to do that, he has to start his own evil organization. He is no longer The Red Mist, that was his hero name. As a super villain, he is now The Mother[Fornicator]. He recruits a few sociopaths, including Mother Russia (Olga Kurkulina), The Tumor (Andy Nyman), Black Death (Daniel Kaluuya), and Genghis Carnage (Tom Wu), and calls his group The Toxic Mega [Very Bad Insult Name For Women]. They plan on bringing down NYC and all the masked vigilantes. Especially Kick-[Gluteus Maximus].

I already tagged a lot of people, but lets tag a few more. John Leguizamo plays Chris’ Bodyguard/Butler like person, Augustus Prew plays the “other friend” Todd, and Claudia Lee plays Brooke, the high school drama queen.

Wow, he is wearing Big Daddy’s armor. That is all sorts of [Sexed] up. In a lot of ways, Kick-[Buttocks] 2 is a lot like the first movie. There is over the top violence (involving teenagers) and a lot of people end up dying. But in a lot of ways, it is also different.

It is hard to describe, but something is missing in this sequel. I think it lacks the heart of the first film. In the first film, you could definitely tell Dave wanted to be a good guy, to do good things, and help save the world. In this movie, he felt like almost an entitled jerk, and he certainly felt selfish. Sure, he said he wanted to just help people in the movie, but it all felt superficial.

The film also has far too many plot lines, lessening its potential. You know what is boring? Watching a movie about “Superheroes” not fighting crime. This is unavoidable if it is the first movie in a series, because we need to get an Origin story. This movie had our heroes away from their costumes many times throughout and gets in the way of a lot more fisticuffs. The comedy and violence is the only thing this franchise is going to have going for it.

Christopher Mintz-Plasse, however, played the self entitled super villain really well, especially when his super power is being rich. It was amazing.

Overall, the movie is just not as good as the first, it isn’t as funny, and it spends too much of its 100 minute run time lollygagging.

2 out of 4.

Hooray sequels! If you missed it the first time, I reviewed V/H/S only a few months ago and thought the whole thing was interesting and rather creepy.

Then I found out the sequel, V/H/S/2 (good name) would be out soon. It actually went out on Video on Demand in early June, theaters in early July, and here I am, mid August finally watching it. No good excuses for that one, especially when I had it since June. You will forgive me eventually, I can only hope.

The whites around this photo are like the whites around your eye. I guess.

This movie comes with four new stories and a new narrative.

Our “main characters” are far more likable than the first film.. That story is named Tape 49, is about two private detectives searching for a missing college kid. His apartment his abandoned, with VHS tapes lying everywhere, and a mini video blog on his laptop. They realize they have to watch the tapes in order to figure out where he went. Those stories are…

Phase 1 Clinical Trials: A guy gets a free robotic eye! But they record everything for testing, and there may be glitches. Uh oh.

A Ride In The Park: A guy goes on a bike ride in the park with a go pro camera! He then gets attacked and turned into a zombie. Whoa.

Safe Haven: A documentary crew go to a cult like area in Indonesia, with improper behavior amongst the leader and his subjects. Also, sacrifices. Eek.

Slumber Party Alien Abduction: Well, this one sounds self explanatory.

Did you see the last picture? Robot eye yo. This is just your standard Indonesian male suicide room.

Shit, I don’t even really need a new review for this.

All of what I said before applies. The short story concept is neat, and lets stories that might not have worked as a full movie shine. The grainy-ness adds a bigger element of fear.

By far, the coolest story was Safe Haven, which I think on its own could be a full movie. Or at least 70 minutes in length. It was twisted and had a nice plot.

A Ride In The Park was not the best thing to watch while eating dinner. Zombie POV, shit was creepy.

The Phase 1 Clinical Trial was decent, could have been a bit more expanded. Felt a bit rushed.

I hated Slumber Part Alien Abduction. I also think the main storyline was a bit weak and just…meh. But hey, they all can’t be winners. And I think 3 of the 5 being pretty decent makes this a pretty damn decent horror flick. Sure I didn’t describe a lot of this, but at least I actually watched it before my review, unlike Rex Reed.

3 out of 4.

Come on. Look at Vamp U. Look at it.

You know exactly why I got it. The same reason anyone gets these type of movies. I was bored and wanting to see something ridiculous, when I had a spare afternoon. I can’t always watch super dramatic or actiony movies. Sometimes you just want something that has a chance of having some cheap laughs. A good old fashioned college sex comedy. This one just so happens to be about vampires.

And the dashing young gents who have to bring em down.

Hey now this movie stars a guy named Wayne Gretzky (Adam Johnson). No, there is no relation to the hockey player. But he does have the nickname “The Great One,” so I guess that is something. He teaches history at some nondescript university. It is typical if not small. There is at least on fraternity and one sorority. Wayne is very popular among the students. He also happens to be a vampire.

He is rather unique in that he doesn’t kill humans. Why not? Because he is impotent where it counts. No not there, his teeth. His teeth just don’t want to come out, so he can’t feast. It might have something to do with killing the love of his life 300 years prior. Since then he hasn’t really had the ability to get it up. His teeth.

That is until Chris Keller (Julie Gonzalo) walks into his life and reminds him oh so much of his former lover. Yeah. That gets his gears back in motion. But after a series of flings, he does the unthinkable and makes her a vampire too. Well that’s just great. Now she is going to terrorize the campus, turning them all into vampires. First her sorority, then the campus, then…the world?

Gary Cole plays the horn dog dean, Alexis Knapp (from Pitch Perfect and Project X) plays a sorority girl. Maclain Nelson plays a love sick guy who really wanted Chris, and Matt Matson (What) his best friend, blogger, and soon to be vampire hunter.

I swear that this is a relevant picture.

College sex comedies!

Well this one is definitely comedy. The other two thirds are doubtful though. Well, in terms of sex, I guess the professor and the one girl. They for sure have sex. Off camera. Implied. Then that is it. No naked people at all, that is the closest naked part. Alexis Knapp in a bra.

Alright so that is lame, and yes I will base my rating off of that.

As for comedy? Well, it is obvious that is what they were going for. And I probably laughed at least twice. But so many of their attempts were just miss after miss after miss, it got a little bit depressing. Matt Mattson’s entire point is comic relief, but he can only do so much. The other main male college student spends half the movie whining that his favorite professor got to his girl first, even when she is a vampire.

Honestly, it took an actual okay idea (vampire sorority?) and just did nothing with it.

Obviously the main jokes were going for sexual inadequacy with the vampire in regards to not extending his teeth. But they just didn’t work.

I’d probably rather see Twilight again.

1 out of 4.

Let me preface this review by saying that I don’t know much about Jack Kerouac, especially on how to spell his last name. I know enough about him to know that he totally wrote On The Road as a poem/bio/narrative thing, and enough to make that joke during my tiny review of The Road.

I also know that they have been wanting to make this movie since the poem came out. Shit, that is some major production hell. I expect it to be similar to Howl, and will probably be confused by the end. Yay literature!

Some parts of the title can be taken literally.

I don’t really want to go over the plot of the book. Most likely, you have either read it, which is why you want to see the movie, or you haven’t and want to see this movie to see a naked Kristen Stewart. Because that happens in this movie, along with a few more compromising situations. But I really doubt you’d watch it just for a small scene.

But this movie is mainly about Sal Paradise (Sam Riley) and Dean Moriarty (Garrett Hedlund), aka Jack Kerouac and Neal Cassady. Jack changed the names of everyone in the novel, so that he could most likely change the story in smaller ways too, but still keep the actual truths of his journey visible.

Marylou (Stewart) is the third main person on their journey I guess. Not just because of the sex and other shenanigans they get in to.

But yeah, they meet a lot of interesting and unique characters. People who help them discover their sexuality, their interests. People who just have interesting stories to tell. I could tell you about them, but again, eh, just watch/read it. They are played by a lot of people, including Amy Adams, Tom Sturridge, Alice Braga, Elisabeth Moss, Kirsten Dunst, and Viggo Mortensen.

Viggo Mortensen? Huh. That makes my The Road joke that much better.

They are way too excited in this picture. They need to have faces full of angst. Especially Kristen, so the internet can continue to make the same joke over and over.

If you are hoping I say anything to praise or take down this movie, I wont. It was okay. It is a famous story that people read. It was made for a niche group. So if you think you fit that group (and you totally know if you fit that group) give it a watch.

But I doubt this movie has any ability to change your life, which hey, the book might. Whoa. Am I promoting reading a book? Maybe. Just maybe.

I can honestly say, this movie is no where near as good as the book. I can make that claim without reading the book. I guarantee the book has more themes and messages to get across than the movie. But the movie is probably a fair enough adaptation of the book. To me, it sounds like the book is the type of thing that should never really get a movie, because you won’t get the full experience Jack is trying to tell you.

Eh. Everything gets made into movies anyways. Always has, and always will. Also, Kristen Stewart’s naked scenes weren’t that impressive, which is why I watched the movie.

2 out of 4.

In 2009, Neill Blomkamp changed the world.

Okay, that is an exaggeration. But he did release the movie District 9, a beautiful, very detailed, sci-fi movie, with great acting, plot, and messages associated with it. More importantly, it was his first major film as a director and it was an independent movie. That’s right, they found out they could make big epics without breaking the bank at the same time.

This is why four years later, most people are excited about Elysium and wondering if it can repeat his earlier success.

I’d want to live there too. Shit’s dope, even if the Earth was fine. In the year 2154, Earth is left in shambles. Not from an alien attack or war or mole people. No, from just straight up over population, pollution, and an ever growing lower class. To fix this issue, the rich people decided…to leave Earth completely! They made a giant spaceship habitat to orbit Earth (called Elysium!), to live out their lives in luxury. They got everything there, green grass, fine dining, and of course the ability to heal any ailment, disease, or virus. Aw yeah.

On Earth,people are dying from these diseases a, the high costs and a strict robotic police force. It is hard not to be a criminal. Like Max (Matt Damon). Sure he used to be a criminal, but now he wants to earn money the right way. Too bad the man ain’t letting him get on his feet! In fact, at work, he gets bombarded with a lethal dose of radiation, leaving him with only five days left to live! So they fire his butt, and leave him in his misery.

Yeah. Max really needs to get to Elysium.

A man with five days left to live will go through a heck of a lot to try and survive. Even if it involves attaching a permanent exo skeleton power suit to his body, kidnapping the CEO of the company that fired him (William Fichtner), and teaming up with members of his old criminal team (Wagner Moura). It would also be nice if he could bring his lady friend Frey (Alice Braga) and her daughter with them to Elysium.

It won’t be a cakewalk either. He has to deal with the Elysium head of security (Jodie Foster) and a sociopathic sleeper agent (Sharlto Copley) who will stop at nothing to bring him to “justice.” Poor Max. Why couldn’t you just be born rich?

I wonder if in 2154 they have classified at what constitutes a cyborg. Officially. The best sci-fi films have always been those that offer great social commentary. Actually, I’d say that most sci-fi films and stories offer some form of social commentary. What better way to “secretly” criticize government or policies than by setting it hundreds of years in the future?

This one really isn’t even that subtle about it. Basically it takes the rich getting richer to extremes, along with some elements of overpopulation and immigration.

Sometimes films can feel a bit too preachy, but this one does a good job of providing enough entertainment at the same time for it to be acceptable. Most of the film I’d describe as “action light.” There are only really two action scenes: a robbery, and the ending, which is exciting enough to make up for the slower parts of the film.

Strangely, I think the films main issue comes with not making everything clear enough. No one likes to be spoon fed, but they could definitely fleshed out more details to enrich the world, and answer some more questions. The dialogue of the film could have also been better. Jodie Foster’s character felt underused to me, which might have been on purpose.

But overall these points are pretty minor. It was a really well done story, and Sharlto Copley was fantastic in it. Probably the best acted character in Elysium. His character was so exciting and vivid, I almost had a hard time cheering for Matt Damon at the end. I think we can all agree that we need more Sharlto Copley in our movies.

 

3 out of 4.

Watching the trailer for We’re The Millers, it is clear that it could be hit or miss. There are moments in there that make me laugh every time I see it, and those that make me think it will be the worse film ever.

I like Jason Sudeikis as a comedy actor. The problem is, he hasn’t proven himself yet as a leading man in a comedy movie. He is fine as a side kick, or part of a trio, but his only real venture as leading man was in A Good Old Fashioned Orgy, which ended up being less than stellar.

If anything, this film might just cement Eustace from The Chronicles of Narnia: The Voyage of the Dawn Treader as a young comedic genius. Stranger things have happened.

“We’re not even a real family. She is just a washed up actress from a 90s Sitcom!” Whoa, Jason. That’s cold.

David (Sudeikis) is a guy in his mid thirties, still dealing pot. It’s a good life for him. But when he gets robbed of his stash, cash, and back up cash, he finds himself in a pile of trouble. His boss Brad (Ed Helms) doesn’t care and sort of wants to kill him! Unless he heads down to Mexico, grabs a shipment of drugs for him, smuggles it across the border. Sounds easy when the other option is death. Plus, he will earn an extra $100k. Nice!

The problem is, he looks like a drug dealer and in no way can smuggle it across the border on his own. Until he realizes that white middle class families on vacation never get searched! He just has to rent and RV and a group of people to play his family.

He hires the weird kid downstairs, Kevin (Will Poulter), the homeless girl on the street, Casey (Emma Roberts), and the stripper down the hall, Rose (Jennifer Aniston) to play the various roles of the Miller family. Nothing could go wrong!

Sure they get to Mexico, and find out that they are actually stealing the marijuana from a Mexican drug lord (Tomer Sisley). Sure, the amount of drugs is several thousands of pounds worth. But they can probably still pull it off.

Hitmen, spiders, engine failure, dogs, DEA, and another RV family (Nick Offerman, Kathryn Hahn, Molly C. Quinn) are just some of the other problems they will face on the road.

I’d let Nick Offerman sexually wet willy my ear any day. Even Tuesday.

After viewing We’re The Millers, I think that Jason Sudeikis was able to run this movie like the comedy veteran I always knew he could be. It works. It really does.

Yes, this movie has a lot of foul mouthed humor. Cursing, sex jokes, genitalia jokes, incest jokes, it has them all. The unfunny scenes I alluded to in the trailer mostly turned out pretty decent, which is a big relief.

Almost every time Will Poulter was on camera, I found myself laughing. He used to be an annoying asshole kid in a bad Narnia movie. But now he plays the awkward teenager so well, that everything the put him through just tickled my gills.

It wasn’t a perfect movie. Sitting there, a lot of character actions and decisions seemed illogical. If the script was stronger overall, they could have avoided those type of moments. I don’t think they really knew what to do with Emma Roberts as her role in comparison was really limited. Such a shame.

Now if you excuse me, I am going to go blast my old TLC records up and start planning my own fake family vacations.

3 out of 4.

This just in. The director of Percy Jackson: Sea Of Monsters is named Thor Freudenthal. What a bad assname.

He has done a few kids movies before (Hotel For Dogs, Diary of a Wimpy Kid), but that is it. Hopefully directing this movie is a sign of changes for this man. With a name like that, I want him involved in most action movies from now on.

Back to the movie, I am pretty excited for this sequel. I actually enjoyed Percy Jackson, The Lightning Thief. As an undergraduate, one of my majors was Ancient History, which of course gave me a love of mythology as well.

No, I don’t hate that these films change the Greek Mythology meaning and stories around. Because this is just another case of a movie not being identical to the source material. If I am fine with what happened in Iron Man 3, I will be fine with whatever they can throw at me here.

Besides, these mythologies are basically dead. I love it when anything can attempt to spice them up a bit. This one is promising to add a whole sea of monsters! Hooray!

Look! There is one right now! It looks nothing like a rainbow version of The Water Horse, either!

Percy Jackson (Logan Lerman) is no longer a big deal in the demigod camp after the first film, as teenagers are fickle. Who cares if he just saved Olympus/the world. What has he done for them lately? For fucks sake, Percy.

His friends, Annabeth (Alexandra Daddario) and Grover the Satyr (Brandon T. Jackson) believe in him, but everyone is else is obsessed with Clarisse (Leven Rambin), daughter of Ares. She wins all the events and challenges at camp.

Don’t remember her from the first movie? Well, presumably she was there somewhere. Maybe she just sick the two or so days that Percy visited in the first film, since at that point, Annabeth was the best warrior in the camp. Maybe they can’t handle two great female fighters at the same time.

Well, it turns out the protective barrier around their camp is falling, and it is all thanks to Luke (Jake Abel), son of Hermes, villain from the first film. Of course! He wants to do the unthinkable, and resurrect Chronos, the Titan, so that he can kill all the gods and ruin the world.

Classic villain strategy.

But that is not as important. They just want to restore the barrier to their camp, and to do that they have to find the Golden Fleece! Anything else is just gravy.

Oh, Percy also has a new half-brother Tyson (Douglas Smith), a young cyclops. His dad Poseidon just gets lonely sometimes, I suppose. Poseidon, Zeus, and Hades do not make any actual appearances this movie, but we do get Hermes (Nathan Fillion, technically a recast), and Dionysus (Stanley Tucci), who for some reason didn’t get to drink wine. Chiron is also back in this movie as the camp mentor, but he is played by Anthony Head (of Buffy fame), and not Pierce Brosnan. Boo recasts.

I would have raged the hardest if Brandon T. Jackson was replaced.

I would say that overall, Sea of Monsters is not as good as The Lightning Thief. But one major improvement was getting rid of the “& The Olympians” part out of the title. That title was long enough to be comical.

Here is one of my biggest issues. Luke as a villain doesn’t make a lot of sense in this movie. To resurrect Chronos, he also needs the Golden Fleece. Unless he didn’t think he could get it himself with his band of mighty demigod soldiers, it is silly to break the camp barrier, causing them to go after the fleece as well. Instead, he could have not done that, and succeeded in his plan as no one even knew he was alive.

Instead we have a movie where there is a ton of buildup for the great and powerful Chronos, who then gets easily “defeated” in a matter of minutes. It happens in a lot of fantasy films. I am surprised more people don’t get angry when they are teased about the destroyer of the world coming, but when he finally does, its a whimper. The Sorcerer’s Apprentice is another recent example of that.

It does have a lot of cool effects still. Caribdis was gorgeous and they had a manticore! However, the manticore went out in a single hit. Caribdis ended up being comparable to the whale from Pinocchio. I didn’t feel scared for any character, because the solution was always immediate or obvious. Plus, you’d think there would be more monsters in the sea of monsters. At least more than one. Maybe.

They did have some good attention to detail for the minor mythologies though. I loved the gas in the Oracle scene. There are many references to The Odyssey. Just showing Caribdis without bringing up Scylla is unique. Tyson the cyclops seemed like a horrible addition early on, due to the awkwardness of his CGI’d eye, but I got over it, and he became a funny/sweet character.

Overall on its own, it is a decent family movie. Minor continuity issues arose, but they can be ignored easily by most movie goers. The ending was cliffhanger-ish, which generally feels tacky when used in movies.

I mean, what if we started allowing cliffhangers in everything? Like songs, movie reviews, and

2 out of 4.

Alright, this story is a bit embarrassing. The first time I saw the trailer for The Bling Ring, it was when I was about to see Spring Breakers.

It was the trailer RIGHT before the movie, and for some reason Cinemark didn’t do their dumb “LOLOL DONT TEXT K?” ad that takes you out of the moment right before the film.

So I thought the trailer was part of Spring Breakers. Like. A story based on the “True story” of Spring Breakers, which was fake. Some meta shit to fuck with me. They were very similar. I am dumb.

To be fair, they are kind of dumb too.

In Hollywood, shit is rough. Everyone wants to be in the business, but only some people are in the business. Los Angeles is home to so many celebrities, and they are all super cocky. In 2007, they got what was coming to them.

When Marc (Israel Broussard) just moved to the area, after getting in trouble at his last school. There he finds Rebecca (Katie Chang), an old friend of his from a past school. Score. He is just happy to have a friend again.

Well, they start breaking into cars if they are unlocked. Why not, free stuff? Then they go to homes of people on vacation. Those noobs also left a door unlocked. Free money is the best money. Well, thanks to stuff like TMZ, they find out that Paris Hilton is out of town at an awards show, and her address is something google-able. So they waltz over, and hey look, she left her key under her doormat. Fancy place. Lots of stuff. It’d be hard to notice if anything gets missing.

Their friends get totally jealous too. So they decide to go back, but this time with Sam (Taissa Farmiga), Nicki (Emma Watson), and Chloe (Claire Julien).

But just as Icarus got too close to the son, these kids got a little bit too cocky in their stealings. Caring less about cameras. Less about taking only a little. Less about hiding their bounty. It totally then bites them on the ass. Which is why we get a movie. Yay movie!

Yay dancing! You’re welcome, Internet readers.

Finding out that Sofia Coppola directed this movie had me a bit worried. Her last movie before this, Somewhere, was well…it was a movie. I think. It just felt like an incredible waste of time that I got nothing out of.

On a similar note, I would say that every time something remotely interesting happens in real life, that we don’t always have to make a movie about it. But I guess it became popular because of the Vanity Fair article on the whole situation. Really this whole thing is about celebrities being real people, who forget things, like security, just like the rest of us.

I can’t really say the acting was great, it didn’t feel amazing or bad. The cuts were a bit annoying, and the ending came at a strange point in the story. I think it could have been ended way earlier when they were sentenced for their crime. But the movie just…kept going.

Don’t you hate it when things don’t know how to end? Oh. Right. Sorry. It was okay.

2 out of 4.

Do not go see the movie Planes.

Fuck Planes

This won’t be a typical movie review, thus the use of quotation marks in the title. Normally I do a little bit of research about a film before I watch it, just so I can lay down some fun facts in these reviews. But what I discovered about Planes I found to be so unacceptable, I didn’t feel right telling everyone about it. But first, a little bit of back story.

For the main poster and Trailer for Planes, we see that it takes place “From Above the World of Cars.” Remember Cars?

Cars came out originally in 2006 as a Pixar movie. I linked to my original review of it, but if you are lazy, basically I describe how the movie is bad morally for children. In Cars, your job in life is based solely on what car type you are. The only exception is if you want to live below your means.

Cars 2 came out five years after that, also made by Pixar. This time they changed the main character and turned it into a strange Bond parody. More importantly, we should look at the villains. The main villains for Cars 2 are lemons, aka cars that were built badly and break down all the time. These cars only wanted more equality, but instead they are the butt of everyone’s joke.

This is all even more twisted when you realize that these cars were all created somehow. These cars age and live a life, so presumably more and more cars are created every day. These lemon cars in particular were created with the sole purpose of being lesser quality than their peers. Yeah, I’d be pissed off too.

No matter how you look at it, Cars 2 was a cash grab movie, made almost solely to sell merchandise.

So now, only two years after Cars 2, we are given Planes. One notable difference (that few people realize) is that this movie is no longer done by Pixar, but instead just Disney. You might be thinking, “Hey! Disney CGI isn’t that bad, they just did Wreck-It Ralph! This one might be awesome too!”

Yes. I too am a plane.

Well, Wreck-It Ralph was done by Walt Disney Animation Studios, their normal big movie company. Planes was done by DisneyToon Studios, who are most known for making the lame sequels to popular Disney movies. You know, Cinderella II: Dreams May Come, Cinderella III: A Twist In Time, Pocahontas II: Journey To A New World, and more. The last time they had a theatrical release was in 2006, with Bambi II, and that was only in theaters in Europe. Their last five movies that went direct to video were all based around Tinkerbell.

So why were they given Planes? Well it turns out, Planes originally was going to also be a direct to video release. However, Disney liked the animation enough to let them have a theater release. Great. Since Planes was meant to be direct to video release, it almost implies that they didn’t put a lot of work into it.

The budget for Planes was only $20 Million. To put that into perspective, Cars had a budget around $120 Million, and Cars 2 around $200 million. Turbo ended up at $135 million, and Wreck-It Ralph was at $165 million. CGI animated films are very expensive to make because the technology is expensive and they take years to produce. With a budget that low, either the film was rushed, or the CGI quality is low.I believe the evidence point towards both of these facts being true, since production of Planes didn’t begin until a few months after Cars 2 came out and was originally coming out Spring 2013.

If you want more evidence, they have already announced that Planes will be a trilogy. The first sequel has already been named, Planes: Fire & Rescue. The sequel also already has a release date set for July 18, 2014. Next summer! Less than a year after the first film, I can only assume that it is being rushed out.

To recap, in great detail I have explained why the Planes movie is just a huge cash grab. It has a low budget indicating lesser quality animation and less time spent for polishing/developing. It happens to be a spin-off of another cash grab movie. It is made by a studio who is only known for their low quality sequels to all of our favorite Disney movies. It is also banking on the fact that most people who see it will assume Pixar made the movie.

Unfortunately, by now, Disney has already profited on this film. Why? The same reason Cars 2 has made so much money. Merchandising. With a budget that low, they don’t have to care about quality when the merchandising alone is just pure profit.

So I plead with you, do the right thing, and do not go see this movie in theaters. Do not buy it on DVD or Blu-Ray. Don’t buy any of its toys for your families or friends. Disney should be punished for trying to pull this type of crap on us, making almost a mockery of the entire idea of movies as an art form.

Something something something planes.

Just to keep this legitimate, here is a quick synopsis and review.

Dusty (Dane Cook) is a crop duster from the midwest, who dreams of being a great racer, and joining the race around the world. Unfortunately, he is afraid of heights, which totally makes sense. Well, he qualifies barely and makes it to the race around the world! But certain other planes don’t like him, because he isn’t a racing plane. So with a little bit of can do spirit, he hopes to prove everyone wrong, and he can succeed despite being created for one purpose!

Also featuring the voice talents of Brad Garrett, Teri Hatcher, John Cleese, Cedric the Entertainer, and more.

I’d say that this movie did a good job of breaking the morals given to us by the Car movies. After all, it is a plane doing something beyond its design and achieving greatness. But in the film, in order for him to achieve his dream, he literally has to change everything about himself first. It really brings up the philosophy question dealing with the Ship of Theseus. Can we really say a crop duster has won a race, if he removed his crop dusting ability and replaced all of his parts?

The movie itself offers nothing new. It is incredibly inaccurate in terms of geography, despite making it clear that it takes place on some strange human-less earth. There are plot holes that a jet could fit through. They even showed scenes of planes during World War II, which accidentally makes this film incredibly dark. Is this really a world where planes go to war with other planes, and hundreds of machines die? Well, I guess it makes it more human-like in that regard.

Now remember, please do not support this movie.

0 out of 4.