Month: September 2012

I’ve finally done it. But my money where my mouth is.

I can make a claim, “sure I will watch anything”, and prove it by watching a bunch of shit you’ve never heard of. Hell, half those movies could be fake for all you really know. A huge conspiracy!

But what about things that are often considered very bad, that everyone knows about. Stuff that takes me out of my comfort zone, and in uncharted waters? Yeah, that is really what you want to see.

Well I have actually tried to watch a Madea movie before, Madea’s Big Happy Family. But halfway through, I realized I still had no idea what was going on and just turned it off. I rarely stop movies. So with Madea’s Witness Protection, it was time for try two. And I would watch it in a theater so I couldn’t just shut it off without getting arrested.

My only actual Tyler Perry knowledge is what South Park has told me. Apparently black people can’t help but give him money!

George Needleman (Eugene Levy) finds himself quickly in a pile of shit. Sure, he is ‘happily married’ to his second wife (Denise Richards), has a daughter from the previous marriage (Danielle Campbell) and a boy from his current (Devan Leos), but his job is about to make things a lot more difficult. From an accountant to CFO, he was placed ahead of a charity department of a company, and clearly under qualified. Turns out it was intentional, because through the charities they were doing that ponzi scheme stuff. His boss (Tom Arnold) set him up as a fall man in case they ever got caught, and guess what, they did!

Turns out the local mobsters also were heavily involved, and don’t want George ratting them out (Even if he knows nothing). Shit violence. Well it turns out George is more than willing to cooperate as long as he and his family, including his delirious mother (Doris Roberts) are protected.

Agent Joe (Tyler Perry) who has to quickly find a place for them to stay ends up convincing his aunt Madea (Tyler Perry) and father Brian (Tyler Perry) to take them in, for the cool cost of $4,000 a month. He just didn’t tell them they were white people. Oh man!

Awkward shenanigans and racial stereotypes occur, along with the plot of a local man Jake (Romeo), who invested all of their churches money in the company and now find that they are probably going to lose the church. That would be, uhh…bad?

Everyone quick, look at Eugene Levy dressed like a fake frenchman. Look at him.

So this movie has a lot of hate (probably mostly the series of movies not this one in particular), but is it justified? Well I guess its a comedy, lets look at the jokes! A lot of easy jokes are made in the movie. Unreasonable social awkward person going through TSA and being on a plane for their first time. That stuff isn’t new at all. Differences between white people and black people, poor people and rich people, and real family values. Ehh. Man in a dress? Happens a lot.

I did laugh at a few scenes, mostly at the absurdity of it them, but it was mostly a silent reaction movie from me.

In fact, it took me awhile to realize, but a lot of the film began to feel unnerving. I couldn’t put my finger on it, until about halfway through, but I realized that the conversations never felt real. There was always just a little bit extra pause before the next person talked. Not sure if that was for a quick audience guffaw or what, but it felt like everyone was alone. This just seems like bad splicing probably, since they could have shortened a lot of that downtime. And yes, obviously, when Tyler Perry talked to Tyler Perry, he didn’t have Tyler Perry to talk to, but seriously, could have been edited better.

Also the ending? Total crap ending. Everything wraps up quickly and magically, and an extremely illegal act goes overlooked. Fuck any morals.

Heyyyy, family movie based off of kids books. I see you. Diary Of A Wimpy Kid I actually saw a few years ago. I saw it for like, $3 or something, and said why not. It could be interesting. Kids movies aren’t ALWAYS bad. But the potential is high.

Either way, this shit has been blowing up. A movie a year, with the same cast. Kind of like the new much faster Harry Potter. Watch out JK Rowling!

Ah I get it. It was a book, so it takes book drawings and makes them into people. HOW CLEVER MOVIE. I mean, who cares~

Greg (Zachary Gordon) is an 11 year old kid, about to go to middle school, and is pretty wimpy. What does that mean in this context? Eh, he just sucks at being social and telling people his true feelings mostly. Thankfully he has a journal he gets to write in, where he can vent his shit and whine all day long. If only people could read his mind.

Well poor Greg wants to be popular when he goes to middle school, so he is prepped. But his best friend Rowley (Robert Capron) is a total lameo, and uncool. Having him as a friend might drag him down! So maybe he can make him cool by default, or at least hope that his uncoolness wont rub off on him.

Greg quickly meets a girl who works on the school paper (Chloe Grace Moretz) who might have the hots for him, but because she is different, that makes her not cool. WHAT THE HELL GREG. So instead Greg tries to become popular his own way, and fails over and over again. In fact, Rowley becomes more popular than Greg could ever try. Too bad Greg is such a jerk face. Oh well, hopefully the curse of the stinky cheese doesn’t do anything in this movie.

Lots of other players in this movie too, such as his parents (Rachael Harris and Steve Zahn), older brother (Devon Bostick), and younger brother (Connor Fielding). He also has some ‘friends’ (Karan Brar, Grayson Russell), and not to mention mean old Patti (Laine MacNeil).

Patti is a mean wrestler. Didn’t you know? She will kick your dick, without remorse.

So this book series is actually an interesting one. They kind of make the main character a jerk, and actually make it hard to sympathize with him. I mean, sympathy is possible, since he is only a kid, but it is definitely hard. Sure he just wants to be liked, but he is an egotistical fucker who is willing to stomp over his friends. Very fucked up, Greg. Thus the wimpy ness I guess.

The kid who played Rowley was pretty entertaining though. Technically the only aspect I found entertaining. Kid might go far, be the next funny fat guy. Watch out, in like, 10 years or whatever. And in 15 he will be coked out of his mind, but we can always remember the good times.

But other than, a very simple story, and not much really happens besides a kids quest to be cool, and you know, failing. I can’t wait to watch the rest…err.

So a strange part of this website is that I am now in a position where I have students. Weird right? My icebreaker is pretty easy, I make them state their favorite movie, and out of 75 students, only six of them I had not yet seen before. I put them on my short list, and I was even more stoked to find out that some of them are in the useful range for reviews. So I picked The Brothers Bloom, because its the only one I also hadn’t ever heard of. Woo mysterious films!

The Bloom Brothers actually end up playing an important role in this movie. Funny, eh?

Stephen (Mark Ruffalo) and his younger brother (Adrien Brody) grew up as orphans, and shipped from foster family to foster family. They were interested in illusions and magic, but they became quite adept at being con artists, starting when they were kids. Gotta love making cash.

But many years later? They are still up to it. Their schemes are way more elaborate, lead by Stephen who plans them perfectly. He loves it the most, and is great at it, but little Bloom is getting tired. Wants to quit. Alright, well one more con.

And this one involves a woman! They’ve never conned a woman before. One Penelope (Rachel Weisz), a weird shut in rich heiress. Easy scam, pose as antique dealers and get all her monies. But as any con movie you have ever seen goes, those cons are generally several layers deep and go wrong. Well in this one, it is of course true, but that ‘main’ storyline ends kind of early. Then crazier shit happens, and it builds and builds, getting pretty damn serious and having no knowledge on what is the actual con anymore. Fun eh?

Rinko Kikuchi is also in this as their main woman assistant, and Robbie Coltrane as another ‘foreign’ helper.

Hey, who cares if they are get conned if they at least have fun, right?

One of the main aspects of Stephen’s cons is he, at the end, wants everyone to walk away satisfied in some way. Sure they get conned, but hopefully the experience was worth it. Similarly, he generally wants to make his brother happy, and that is his biggest driving factor.

Which is awesome. And I loved the first half of the movie. But as I pretty much already said, it gets kind of dark and serious, and it is hard for me to really understand and grasp it all. I couldn’t follow the ‘cons’ or potential cons, and I felt time moved pretty weirdly.

It was a definitely a bold move and experience, but something I couldn’t really follow well. Adrien Brody was kind of meh for the movie, but I did like the charisma of Mark Ruffalo.

Ice Age Fucking 4: Continental Fucking Draft. Much like Madagascar movies, I had to watch a few of these films real quick before seeing the latest installment. I saw the first one a long time ago, but 2 and 3 I never really go to, because I never really liked the first one. Might have just been old bitter teenager phase though, so might rewatch it as well.

Either way. I have been up to my neck in these guys this last weekend, so lets just get straight to it!

Marathoning these things could explain why I find the teenage girl Mammoth Peaches strangely attractive.

Manny (Ray Romano) the mammoth, is living the good life. With the help of his “half opossom” wife Ellie (Queen Latifah), he is busy raising his ~teenage daughter Peaches (Keke Palmer). Diego (Denis Leary) the sabretooth is still kicking ass, kind of lonely. And Sid (John Leguizamo) the sloth is still crazy. But at least his family came to visit! Just to drop off his grandma (Wanda Sykes) who is also ‘crazy’.

OH WHAT THE FUCK THE GROUND STARTS TO BREAK APART AND THE SHIT IS HITTING THE FAN. Sid, Diego, Manny, and Grandma Sloth find themselves on a small ice chip floating down the sea, with plans on reaching the rest of the herd at the ‘land bridge’.

They have to get there while being chased by a (geologically quick as fuck) slowly moving massive wall, that uhh, represents something. Peaches wants to fit in with the other teen mammoths, especially cute Ethan (Drake). But he has nasty ass ho friends (Heather Morris, Nicki Minaj), and they all hate other things. So she might have to disown her best friend a molehog named Louis (Josh Gad) to do it, but hey, whatever. I’m sure he will understand.

Back on the crazy ass main adventure, uhh after giant storms, they run into pirates. Because why the fuck not.

Captain Gutt (Peter Dinklage…!) an ape like creature, named for his tendency to rip open animals from their gut to their neck, wants the sabretooth and mammoth to join his crew (on a floating ice, yes). That is how his crew was formed, saving animals mostly, and them wanting to work for him. There is a song and everything. It includes Shira (Jennifer Lopez), a white female sabretooth tiger (yes that means exactly what you think it does). Some sort of bunny (Aziz Ansari), a kangaroo (Rebel Wilson), a large Sea Lion (Nick Frost) and many other smaller critters.

So their big plan involves escaping from them (At every corner), trying to figure out how to get back home to save their families and friends from certain doom. How they’d save them once they get back? Who knows, thinking ahead is for lame people.

Arggh, a band of ice pirates, rag tag sailors, scurvy, etc.

Ugh. So uhh, first off, as you may have guessed, this movie is full of bad science. “But it is a kids movie…!” Get that excuse out of my face. That seems to be the go to response when filmmakers would rather be lazy and make a poor movie with little to no value. That is sad though, because the original Ice Age had tons of science facts on their side. It actually took place when there were Mammoths and Sabretooth Tigers and even Humans. Sure, during an ice age too. That was around 18,000 BCE. Well, this movie is arguably a few years later than the first, with the birth and growing up of the mammoth baby. But yet Pangea splits apart in it? Something that began 200 million years ago, but instead is represented as something 20k years ago? That is a few magnitudes off, fuck that shit.

It is a popular notion in education. Get an idea in their head, and every few years, fix it a bit for them until it is actually correct. But why not just always be correct? You know, so the kids don’t feel lied too?

Either way, this movie had WAYYYY too many characters. I left out some pretty big names, because small roles because I was just tired of adding more.

It also did bad on its own self pacing. Would show a few days in time with the main cast, then 5s with the rest of the families. Their story lines being mostly one of a normal middle school drama that we’ve all seen before, and happens the same way every time. I guess they took a cue from Madagascar and decided to get in on that interspecies lovin’.

I’d say the CGI was better than the previous ones finally, but most of it was just ridiculous ice boats floating on random storms and water. And narhwals.

I think there is a lot of negative stigma in this country towards prisoners. I mean, if they go to prison, they deserve to be there, is the general rule of thumb. Which is why no one cares about prison rape/violence, and it has become jokes on themselves. But sometimes you get other points of view, like Oz, which dehumanize these practices and make them not a laughing matter.

And it can go completely the other way too. You sometimes get a movie where you are escaping from a future space prison, which has a zero violence record, like Lockout.

Oh shit. That space prisoner has a space gun! Quick, call the space police!

Pretty simple story. This is the FUTURE! CIA Agent Snow (Guy Pearce) has been arrested! He apparently murdered another agent who was undercover, who had evidence of a different agent selling secrets about the space program. Well, that makes it look like Snow is guilty. Snow is threatened to be sent to the space prison by Scott Langral (Peter Stormare) head of the secret service. So that happens, while Snow has one of his agent buddies Harry Shaw (Lennie James) go searching for the dead agent’s briefcase that may show him as innocent.

Speaking of the space prison, you are probably wondering how there is no crime or anything. Well, they kind of put them into sleep up there, and get woken up when they are done with the sentence very nice. But reports are that being in stasis might make them crazy, or get dementia. That sucks. Clearly the president’s daughter, Emilie (Maggie Grace), is the best person to send up there to investigate these claims. She wakes up and interviews a prisoner, Hydell (Joseph Gilgun), who as luck would have it is actually crazy! He escapes and releases all the other prisoners, and they also gain the president’s daughter and security team as hostages.

Hydell’s brother Alex (Vincent Regan) ends up taking charge, because he isn’t completely bat shit insane and realizes killing hostages is stupid.

Either way, rescue attempt, escape attempts, maybe everyone is actually a bad guy on this prison, not just the prisoners. Normal stuff to wonder about in a space action movie.

Always time for a smoke break when you are silencing an entire prison.

It really does take a lot more than just basic action to please me. By now, long time readers would realize that. I like action movies if they also have a nice plot or wonderful acting to it. But that is not how most action movies are made. And thus, they are dreadfully skewed on the scale at gorgonreviews.com. But hey, that is why they are my opinion.

I actually thought Guy Pearce did a nice job as a leading action star dude, but everyone else was a let down. And you know, shitty plot, some bad special effects that they didn’t work too hard on, and a pretty predictable-ish plot.

But fuck it, space prison, amirite?

If anything, you can say the work of Sacha Baron Cohen has at least been consistent in its efforts to talk about stereotypes, race, and making people feel uncomfortable. From Dat Ali G Show, to Borat, to Bruno, he can definitely take over a persona and push some limits, and isn’t afraid of showing his dick…multiple times.

Shit, I just realized that I have no idea what he actually sounds like. All of his smaller roles involve an accent as well. His voice is going to be the new “Johnny Depp look”. Aka, I couldn’t tell what Depp looked like until a few years ago, thanks to all his make up and crazy characters.

But with The Dictator, can he pull off the same shenanigans without making it a fake documentary at the same time?

Nothing says “fear and obey me” like standing in front of an army of women.

In the Republic of Wayida in Northern Africa, lives a Dictator who is beloved by his people. Aladeen (Cohen) is busy being rich from oil, doing whatever he wants, and whoever he wants. But shit starts to hit the fan when the UN claims he is building nuclear missiles, so he decides to go to NYC to address the issue.

His head of security and affairs, Tamir (Ben Kingsley) tries to take every precaution to protect Aladeen’s safety. Orders most of the rooms in a hotel, even hires additional security. Sure, it is just Clayton (John C. Reilly) who admits to hating all ‘Arabs’ whether or not they are Arabs, but what is the worst that can happen?

Ah, he gets kidnapped and they try to kill him after destroying his beard. But things go wrong, he escapes, but will anyone recognize him as Dictator Aladeen? Especially when…there is apparently another Aladeen in his place going to the UN, and declaring that his country will turn into a democracy? Oh shit, body doubles. If only we couldn’t tell from just the cast list who is behind everything.

So (Real) Aladeen ends up befriending a vegan hippie activist (Anna Faris) and a former Wayidian scientist (Jason Mantzoukas) to get his role back, before his country is signed as a horrible democracy and lose all their oil.

“My English is getting really good, I bet I can count from 5 to 0 faster than you, go!”

I think, overall, I found two aspects of this movie really funny. One was the above helicopter ride scene, where he tried to appear super american, but started talking in a foreign language, with the only English words thrown in involving stuff like “911”, “Empire State Building”, and “fireworks”. That scene was so over the top, I couldn’t stop laughing really.

The other is that as a dictator, he has replaced over 200 words with his own name, causing mass confusion. Most were whatever, but just one instance of that I thought was hilarious.

And now that I ruined the best parts, I guess you don’t have to see the movie! Most of it felt forced. It was supposed to be a political satire of some sort, but a lot of it I just didn’t care about. I would say it is actually on par with Borat like humor, but in that case we had at least real people falling for it and responding to what was being said, and not just other actors acting offended and confused. Turns out that something like that can make all the difference.

I still appreciate the dude’s work ethic though.

Sometimes the Japanese don’t produce their own original content. Seriously, did you know that? I learned that last night. I never even considered that fact! But damn, it can happen.

So we have The Secret World Of Arrietty (or just Arietty if you have the fancy non American version), which is based on The Borrowers! And maybe I also just learned that they were a series of books before that movie in the 90s. Holy crap, there are like three Borrowers movies.

Fuck it, today is a day of learning and facts. It has been declared!

Don’t spray your house for bugs ever. Might end up killing a tiny human, you monster.

Shawn (David Henrie, some 23 year old who was a Wizard in a Disney show and the SON in How I Met Your Mother), is a 12 year old boy with a bad heart. So he goes off to live with his aunt for a week before his surgery, in the nice peaceful countryside.

At the same time, we have Arrietty (Bridgit Mendler who was…also a Wizard in a disney show?), who has just turned 14 but you know, is only a few inches tall, a borrower who lives in the house with her father and mother (Will Arnett and Amy Poehler, who formed an incestuous relationship in Blades Of Glory).

Well on her first borrowing mission, she ends up dropping a sugar cube and accidentally waking up the delirious Shawn, who wants her to stay, quite creepily. But she runs away, and her parents are freaking out. Especially when he leaves the sugar cube near their home with a note “You Forgot Something”. Shit, this might turn into a horror movie soon, or the weirdest relationship ever.

Either way, she becomes more and more curious about the human, despite the parent warnings. Humans kill Borrowers, or other evil things. Especially that shady housekeeper, Hara (Carol Burnett, who I have nothing clever to add here for your knowledge), who thinks they exist but has no proof (yet). But if their shenanigans continue, they might have to move anyways. Especially if Hara gets involved. Hopefully they meet some savage Borrower who can help them find a new home, like that Spiller guy (Moises Arias, who was someone on a Miley Cyrus show and…maybe a wizard. What the fuck?).

To me this whole movie, her crazy mean face reminded me a bit of Stich’s face.

Now I am going to base this off the dubbed version of course, but I think unintentionally they made a lot of this really creepy. Like, having a 23 year old male voice a 12 year old kid. His voice was strangely deep, and spoke super slow. I felt scared that he’d turn out to be a serial killer or, you know, worse.

That with the ending are really my only complaints. It kind of left it super open ended, and didn’t really do much for my plot questions.

But outside of that, loved pretty much everything else. Especially the animation. I watched it on DVD and was still floored away with it. Obviously it wasn’t CGI, but it was just really really well done and processed I guess. If I had seen it on Blu-Ray I wouldn’t have believed it possible.

But the characters were nice, the music was nice, and the story was simple and only slightly felt stolen. Hey, its all good.