Day: August 30, 2012

The Rocker

The Rocker is definitely a movie I heard about when it was coming out, and then practically never again. Honestly. The only reason I really can remember this movie at all is because a song from it is a free download on Rock Band. Gotta love that advertising. It is just one of those that once you see the cover or something you go, “Oh. Oh yeah. Okay. I think I recollect that title at one point.” Just no one really saw it.

But now that I have, I can tell you I will make zero geology puns. Not actually about geology, but about music. Whoops.

ADD
And the band brings a new face to a short attent – Hey look Emma Stone!

BACK IN THE 1980S, a little band called Vesuvius was getting pretty popular with a song. Although just the drummer, Fish (Rainn Wilson) Was the heart and soul of the band. Even came up with the name, brought the energy. The other members had rock names too, like Trash (Bradley Cooper), Kerr (Fred Armisen), and front man Lex (Will Arnett). They are your typical glam rock band of the 80s, and when they get word that they can sign a deal and tour with Whitesnake they go ballistic. Just have to drop Fish and bring in a new drummer, son of a record exec.

Well the money is right.

20-30 years later, Fish is at a dead job and has no worries. Except for all the rage. Vesuvius is STILL a big deal, new albums, everyone loves them. Fuck.

He ends up leaving his wife, and losing his house, so he goes to move in with his sister (Jane Lynch) and her family, including his nephew Matt (Josh Gad). I know, a non rocker name. Lame. But turns out he is in a band too, called A.D.D. and they just lost their drummer, and a school dance concert is coming up. Too bad Fish is their only chance, which he begrudgingly accepts. Singer/guitarist is Curtis (Teddy Geiger) and bassist Amelia (Emma Stone).

Needless to say, some shit happens. Eventually they get famous from a youtube video where Fish is practicing naked, and even get signed (by Jason Sudeikis) and go on a tour! I’m sure Vesuvius wont pop up and ruin anything. Or like, Curtis’ mom (Christina Applegate).

Vesuvias
As a geology/history major in college, the band Vesuvius really does mean a lot to me.

Straight talk time. I thought this movie had a pretty good beginning but got a bit boring as the story went on. It happens all the time, and I just felt this was another example of it. Once I pretty much figured out where all the storylines would go, just didn’t care. Dicks are dicks, good guys are good, etc.

To be fair to Rainn Wilson, he was on as that character the whole movie and it seemed like he put work into the persona. It was if Dwight was a little less full of himself, and merged with Jack Black. Kind of.

Everything else? Well, ehh, most people could have probably pulled it off. So I mean, the movie isn’t necessarily horrible, but easily a one and done affair.

2 out of 4.

LOL

I can’t say I planned on watching LOL today. But I left my movie at home, whoops. Had to go to the backup! And it fit my time schedule, so LOL it was.

What is LOL? It is an acronym, short for something, can’t figure it out.

I am sure it is something made up by Little Old Ladies though.

Diary
Still writing in a diary? That is pretty much a modern Lowest Of the Low

Guess what? Lola (Miley Cyrus) is our main hero! But when people are too busy and can’t be wasted with two syllable names, they just shorten it to Lol. Gotcha. She is just your normal teen age girl, a senior, doing some stuff with boys, having divorced parents, and not the best relationships with either of them. Not even her mother (Demi Moore) who she lives with. And the mom just wants the best, but blah blah blah.

She is totally Locked On Lovebeams with her serious long term boyfriend Chad (George Finn), too. You know, until she finds out he cheated on her. WITH ASHLEY (Ashley Greene) EVEN. THE FUCK CHAD, WHY WOULD YOU DO THAT? Ah, because Lola ain’t given it up. Her Land O’ Lakes is off limits.

So she is mad, takes it out on people. But thankfully she has BFFs in Emily (Ashley Hinshaw) and Kyle (Douglas Booth). But having just a guy friend is probably not doable. I wouldn’t be surprised if Chad was actually Looking Or Lusting Over Lola Our Lady. (Was that too much? My bad).

And pretty much that is it. Some awkward love. Maybe a trip to Paris. The mom trying to get a date as well. Maybe some sex and secret journals in the last twenty minutes, that get resolved in like, three minutes and then the movie suddenly stops.

paris
Sure is a Lot Of Love going on in Paris. Maybe too much.

So uhh, yeah.

Rocking out at over 90 minutes, this movie has about 20 minutes of plot. Maybe. MAYBE.

It is poorly spliced together at the beginning (Awkward audio cut scenes in my opinion, and poor transitions). And the plot offers absolutely nothing.

Girl is cheated on. Some people have sex. Girl eventually has sex too with her old BFF now just BF. Mom finds out, flips out for 30s and then doesn’t and then done. What in the fuck? Seriously, what?

Absolutely nothing of value or interest happens this movie. One of its selling points is all “Oh man in this modern world, we share everything on Facebook and shit, and no longer are secrets secretive”. But technology, and texting barely matters in this movie. Just the fact the her mom accidentally read her journal. Yep.

Fuck all this noise.

0 out of 4.