Day: April 9, 2012

Damn it, Halle Berry.

Maybe I should blame the director who has some ocean fetish?

Either way, fuck everyone involved with this trash.

I knew the movie Dark Tide was about Halle Berry and sharks and that’s about it. Another movie that sounds to be a recipe for excitement and thrills. But it isn’t.

Berry’s character used to swim with sharks and “Study” them. No real science, just the observation part. But at some point a tragic accident happened and her mentor died in the sea. Well, this caused a lot of tension, and she broke up with her boyfriend, Oliver Martinez.

A year later she is just doing boat tours, afraid of sharks now. Her old boyfriend pops back up, and is all, heyyy lets make money. They need it badly. In comes a millionaire who wants to buy cool things for him an his son to do, Ralph Brown. Like a all rich people, he is immediately shown to be a bad guy in the film for wanting to do something cool.

She agrees, but only with cages, no free swimming with the great whites. But he says bump that, and leaves the cage anyways, making almost danger. As it gets later at night, and the waves get crazy for a storm, a lot more arguing happens, and Berry gets all “rawr” and says LETS GO BACK OUT.

So they do. And shit goes wrong. Boat capsizes. Some people die, and all around clusterfuck.

I’m sorry guys. Here is another picture of Halle Berry in a bikini top.

This movie is almost two hours long. I paused it halfway through, shocked that it was no where close to being done, and went to sleep. That is how boring it was. The beginning was also confusing, and I think they were shownig stuff out of order, or shots that had nothing to do with Halle Berry’s boat.

There are attacks in the film that happen…to other people. I guess to try and keep it interesting? Weird direction to go, since the first 80 minutes seem to be them saying that sharks aren’t dangerous to humans, but they keep showing the contrary.

The only “exciting” part happens near the end, but it is at night, so hard to tell what is going on, and most people are wearing full wet suits and not talking (under water) so hard to tell who is doing what. When the boat capsized, I had no idea who got stuck in it and drowned. Really, no idea.

But the shitty ending isn’t the worse part, it is definitely everything before it. A “serious” movie that seems to have about 5 minutes of real drama stretched throughout the film. SO. FUCKING. BORING.

I am kind of afraid to watch any movie about the ocean now, just because of how dull these movies are being made about them. This film offers nothing in terms of entertainment value for two hours of your life.

“Why the fuck are you reviewing Mega Shark Vs Giant Octopus?” – Reader comment immediately.

Because I bought this and another Mega movie on Blu-Ray about a year ago, for only $5 each. Huge deal. So I said sure why not! Yes, I know this is a terribad B-movie that most people would only enjoy for the aspects of making fun of it. But hey, I figured it had to be at least a little bit entertaining, right? I mean. A mega shark. Is it bigger than a giant octopus? How big is a giant octopus? What the hell is a mega shark?

I figured maybe these questions would be answered for me, and some cool fight scenes and that’d be enough.

Lets assume this scale stays the same throughout the movie.

What’s to say about the plot? Deborah Gibson is a scientist (hahaha) and studying Whales off of Alaska or something. But during it, the military also undergoes some sonar testing, causing the whales to flip their shit and run into the nearby glacier. Also the military helicopter crashes, and hits the ice berg, causing it to break open and release the stars of the movie. Despite being natural predators of each other they apparently go their own way and fuck up shit on different sides of the Pacific ocean.

Gibson finds a shark tooth and according to an adviser/former pilot Sean Lawlor, it belongs to a species that went extinct 1.5 million years ago! A Japanese scientist comes to help investigate too, Vic Chao, thinking that it is the same thing messing up Japan. But hey, turns out two creatures. They are then all recruited by the military, Lorenzo Lamas, to stop the creatures, but prefer to capture them alive for studying, not killing.

Shit goes down, plans don’t work, and eventually they realize they have to bring the creatures together. Maybe they will kill each other, or at least one of them will be killed in their fight, and that will solve all of their problems.

The octopus has a tentacle big enough to smack a jet out of air, while the shark we can see the whole size of, has to jump up high to get the plane? Size wise, the Octopus must be enormous.

Cheesy B movie, bad science, etc. All of these exist, yes. But, what I expected from it was to see some hardcore Mega Shark vs Giant Octopus action. Not sure why, maybe because of the title.

Most of the movie has them doing nothing with each other, and military people or random civillians getting destroyed by them. Nothing too graphic either, a lot of shaky cam, just missed the action, stuff. But then when they finally do fight, it too is disappointing and kind of hard to figure out whats going on.

What I am trying to say is that in a movie with two giant sea creatures battling, I was bored. INCREDIBLY bored. Throughout the whole movie, waiting for something cool to happen.

What the hell? That shouldn’t happen in a movie like this. Its only redeeming quality should be the entertainment aspect, and it failed miserably for me on that. Fuck! I hate being bored for 90 minutes like that.