Gorgon Reviews

Cinderella’s Revenge was watched early from a screener. It is being released on April 26th, 2024. You can see an interview I had with the lead actress Lauren Staerck, here.

What if Cinderella (Lauren Staerck) decided to go and like, kill? You know, get some revenge? Revenge against her step-sisters (Beatrice Fletcher, Megan Purvis) and step-mother (Stephanie Lodge). Ideally, she should have a good reason to go on a murder spree. Something bigger than chores and not getting to go to parties.

So in this story, Cinderlla’s father was murdered! And the step-mother was involved in the process. Now, pretend the rest of the story is the same for a bit. Except, when we get to the ball and fairy godmother (Natasha Henstridge) scene, Cinderella still gets a dress and a carriage. But instead of a regular dress, the fairy godmother brings in people like Tom Ford from the future, to design it. Not played by real Tom Ford, no. And what about her carriage? Well, its an electric vehicle, driven by Elon Musk of course. Because, and I quote, “Whenever you need a stylish mode of transportation that’s good for the environment, he’s your man.”

What?? Of course it should be noted that there are no cars in this time period, so, its certainly magic. But…also what?

Anyways, eventually, the prince ball scene happens, the step sisters foot cuttings happen, but it isn’t enough and they want to stop Cinderella. So eventually she gets like, a magical mask that lets her kill people to get revenge. Yep.

Also starring Darrell Griggs, Mike Kelson, and Ricardo Freitas.

The makeup women had at that time period was something else. Okay, title alone, this seemed like one of those movies I never really normally waste my time with. Very low budget horror films, that are easy to make and churn out. I do my best to ignore them, I do. But this one I felt like doing the interview, and still giving the movie a try. But honestly, I should also trust my gut more. I have so much of it.

The best part of the movie was the intro, but it inexplicably was just like a lyrics video to the song Cinderella Snapped by Jax. Like, literally, it was graphics and words on the screen, doing the first verse and chorus. And then when Cinderella Snapped happened at the end of the chorus, Cinderella’s Revenge popped onto the screen. Does that mean we have a big pop-rock soundtrack for the film? No, that was the only one. And that started the film, so it was all downhill from there.

First, it is so absurd of them to still do the entire Cinderella plot line, but then put a little bit before hand to make it different, and still have the last third of the film or more to be the “oh yeah, this is a horror film so we need killing” part of it. Why wasn’t it better incorporated into the whole film and normal story? I couldn’t say.

This film randomly has two sex scenes as well, I guess, for the small chance that would help get viewers.

But really what kills me, as you may have guessed already, is the weird fairy godmother, future people nonsense of it. It wasn’t funny to have these people in it. It was down right uncomfortable to even have anyone worshipping Elon Musk at this point. All of this made the film just feel like…well, a joke. And maybe they were going for comedic parts of this horror overall. Or some “hah we are so silly” moments. But turning Cinderella into a horror film shouldn’t actually be that difficult. You can tell the normal story, with a lot added into it to creepify it. But in this movie, it was like the normal story was just that, normal. They tagged on the silly fairy stuff. And then before and after the story some murder.

It reminds me of how uncomfortable I felt reading Pride and Prejudice and Zombies. Badly mashed together concepts that would both be better suited on their own.

I’d say I don’t recommend the movie, but, I can’t imagine anyone finds this on their own anyways.

0 out of 4.

Preconceived was watched as part of Cascadia International Women’s Film Festival 2024! It had its showing on Saturday, April 27th as part of the festival.

We here at Gorgon Reviews love making sure I have time to review any and all documentaries about abortions, and how hard they can be to acquire in the United States. Also, we here at Gorgon Reviews, hate that we have to do reviews on this topic. We would love to stop, but the problems haven’t been fixed yet, so here we are, again.

In the documentary, we are actually looking at Crisis Pregnancy Centers. Now, this is something that was covered by John Oliver before in his show. A fun thing that I often do during his show is to look up the documentaries he references and potentially watch them. This is the first time I have seen a documentary that spends a moment to acknowledge John Oliver’s show.

A Crisis Pregnancy Center is like an abortion clinic, except that it doesn’t offer ever abortions. In fact, its entire purpose seems to exist to convince people to NOT get an abortion. To fabricate the things that must be done before an abortion could take place. To lie about what was allowed. To present untrue facts about the fetus, how far along the patient was, and to make sure they just did not get an abortion at all costs. Surely enough, these things are funded strongly through America’s churches and Republican organizations.

Their entire existence, I want to reiterate, is about preventing people from getting abortion access, through tricks and deceit. Trainings on how to talk to people out of it, to string them along, how to get “clients” away from an actual clinic, including making sure they appear at the top of Google search results.

Yeah, these places suck.

I normally see billboards with the opposite messages, unfortunately.

It is really easy (I imagine, I just review stuff) to make a documentary about a subject and say “Gee Whiz, this thing STINKS!” You can interview everyone who agrees with you, throw in some news stories and B-roll footage, and be done. What I was more surprised about is how many people who work in, work for, or work with, these crisis pregnancy centers who are a part of this documentary too. I worry about deceitful tactics to get them to sign on board. But, presumably all of their arguments for why they should exist, and why they are doing this, are given verbatim and they are giving time for “their side.”

They got the president of Heartbeat International, a pro-life group, to spread his organizations goals and methods and they aren’t ashamed of these things. They are proud of it.

The documentary obviously does a great job of making its arguments and hopefully highlighting how so many women get tricked into spending extra funds, or having kids, they never wanted or planned to. With the overturn of Roe v. Wade, the centers haven’t stopped, they have amplified and feel like they are winning and that their message is important. This documentary is one that is meant to be seen as awareness to a topic, because, people cannot be tricked by something, if they know it is out there. The centers rely entirely on people assuming they are also abortion clinics, but that the abortion won’t be right for *that client* for whatever reason.

Watch it, get informed, and donate to your local Planned Parenthood or similar organization.

4 out of 4.

Waapake (Tomorrow) was watched as part of Cascadia International Women’s Film Festival 2024! It had its U.S. Premiere on Thursday, April 25th as part of the festival.

In case you did not know, there used to be a policy in the United States, as part of the treaty signings, that indigenous communities would agree to have their children be assimilated into United States “culture” through their schools. Notably, this was ALSO TRUE IN CANADA. In fact, this documentary is dealing with Canadian indigenous families. Of course, as part of these signed treaties, the sides were never on equal grounds, and these native groups were almost always forced to do it, or else. But even then, it is doubtful that those communities understood exactly what that clause would mean.

Which was of course, children being taken from their homes, and often sent to boarding schools. Not just any boarding schools, ones often FAR from where they actually lived. Schools that had little to no accountability and were seemingly encouraged to belittle and even beat these kids into conformity. To make it so that these kids would only have this new countries culture, whatever that means. A lot of students who were taken were changed alright, and generally for the worse. Depression, drug addictions, anxiety, and even suicide were common. They were put into situations away from their families and had no support system.

This documentary is about those people, a little bit. But even more notable, it is about the generation of people that came after. So the people interviewed for this piece are sons, daughters, and grandsons/granddaughters of survivors from these schools. About how their older relative has been negatively harmed, how it has affected their current lives, and more importantly, how they can potentially heal from this to have a stronger tomorrow.

This is how you can know it was made in Canada, by the way.

It is hard to talk about this just on the Canadian level, because we know these sorts of things happened in the US as well. But Canada has been more in the news for it lately, given they had various burial sites found outside of some of these schools, with many dozens of bodies, all in a large unmarked grade. A lot of shady shit happened at these schools. Awful things. Abuse. More. But as the documentary put it, generational trauma is an important thing to acknowledge and point out, but generational healing can also occur.

This is not to wash away the crimes of the past. But that is why this documentary brought in the various stories, of the offspring of survivors, to note their similar upbringings and the negative harms that came out of it. But it is very uplifting at the same time, with their statements about how they will make sure they fix certain issues, so that their own children do not have to go through it again. They want to break the cycle, and part of that comes through talking about it.

WaaPaKe is a powerful documentary, a stronger documentary if you go in already know about the schooling atrocities for indigenous groups in the past. It is also stronger knowing this was made by a Canadian native, involving her own story, her families, and others to put this piece together. After all, these stories are horrifying, but often still the human, personal element, can be missing. These types of documentaries make it more personal, and really puts the important aspects out there.

3 out of 4.

Pure O was watched early from a screener. It is being released on April 12th, 2024. You can see an interview I had with Dillon Tucker, the director, here.

Cooper (Daniel Dorr) is straight up not having a good time right now. He thinks about death, too much. He thinks about killing, too much. He is in a huge depressive funk and can’t seem to snap out of it, even when recently engaged to his long term girlfriend, Emily (Hope Lauren). But when talking to his therapist (Candice Renee) about his issues, she lets him know he has OCD.

But how can this be? He doesn’t have nervous tics, he doesn’t repeat steps, he has heard of OCD before, and that isn’t him, it is just depression. A big part of it is experiencing distressing intrusive thoughts, without the compulsions. It can be categorized into specific categories of types of intrusive thoughts, but it all comes back to OCD, and is known as Pure O in the community.

Cooper, a musician, and a rehab counselor himself, really doesn’t think it is possible, but after his googling and research, he agrees to try to work on this aspect, to see if he can fix himself, to fix his relationships, and hopefully live a life free from the harms inside his brain. He knows addictions, he knows the right things to say to others, but following that advice can prove to be difficult.

Also starring Landry Bender, Jeffery A. Baker, Clint James, Hamish Patterson, and Isaac Nippert.

I bet when he stares this way at women, they also receive a Pure O.One of those things that really bugs me is when people say they are OCD about a task, completely belittling the experiences of those who have actual forms of OCD. Does that affect this movie? Absolutely not. But bringing up how fucked up that is in any circumstance is appropriate, so that maybe someone can learn to not do that. And if it is going to happen in a movie review, why not one that deals with OCD.

Now the director, Dillon Tucker, who is also the writer, made this movie purely because it was personal to him, and telling a story about his own life, and being diagnosed with OCD. It is his story, he just doesn’t also star in it (although he did cameo as a random person also in the therapy groups).  And you can tell it was made by someone who really knew the story, because of all of the unexpected things added to the story. In an “OCD” story where someone is writing about it from a lack of personal experiences, it is the only part of the story. The rest of it doesn’t matter. But in this movie, it is the main framing of the story, but the main character still has to live his life. He happens to also be a counselor, and is still working with individuals dealing with addiction. He still has to plan a wedding and learn how to better himself for his fiancé.

And honestly, Pure O, with ITS honesty, just hits all the right notes for a powerful drama. It tells a still unexpected story, that is meant to really help others through their own worries and providing some therapeutic moments on the screen for them to see. But also when it comes to ones disabilities, the more people are aware how it can affect their life, and be a constant grating pressure at all moments, might just help people stop being such assholes to each other.

This film has several intense moments. Notably a knife scene, and another character having a meltdown, but they are played so serious and so well done that it is emotionally touching for the viewer.

Off the top of my head, I know I have seen films about OCD before, but I can’t think of them right now. Because Pure O is the right one to see.

3 out of 4.

Sting was watched early from a screener. It is being released on April 12th, 2024.

I HATE SPIDERS. Let’s get that out of the way.

Sting, is of course, not about a bee, but about a spider. And it is about a little apartment complex.

You see, Ethan (Ryan Corr) lives with his family in an okay apartment. Ethan makes comics and is also the building superintendent. He is a fixit man. His step daughter, Charlotte (Alyla Browne) doesn’t like him as much as her dad, who she hasn’t seen in forever. Even though he has made great attempts to be closer to her. Because they are so familiar with the complex, Charlotte likes to go in through the very large air ducts around the building, to see and discover.

And that is where she finds a little tiny egg that crashed in through the window, that she knows nothing about. What a cool egg. Time to keep it and put it in a jar. Oh, and in the jar it hatches into a spider? Cute. A really smart spider at that. One that seems to be very strong and capable. One that seems to grow very very fast, but enjoys Charlotte’s company.

Anyways, long story short, that thing gets super big and starts to take out the members of this apartment complex and get even bigger. It’s like Audrey II! And now that it has turned itself on her family and Charlotte herself, so Charlotte is going to have to kill her new friend Sting. Or you know, die.

Also starring Jermaine Fowler, Noni Hazlehurst, Penelope Mitchell, Robyn Nevin, and Silvia Colloca.

Whenever I see a spider on my ceiling, I leave the city. I HATE SPIDERS! Okay, figured I would remind you of that. I am surprised that spider films aren’t much more common. I feel like random other killer bugs get a lot of horror films, but spiders, barely? We had famously things like Arachnophobia and Eight Legged Freaks. Not really any I could think of that were mainstream. There is another independent film out from France, called Infested, that I haven’t had a chance to see yet.

So why does Sting work? Well, first of all, we get a nice alien spider thing, not just a normal spider, so there is a reason for it all happening. We get a very limited space for it to run around in, and apparently the world’s biggest air ducts (perfect for any movie of course). Which is also perfect for a giant spider to lay traps. And a slight family story to keep the plot more than just a survival flick.

My biggest complaint from the film is just the introduction, which featured a scene that happened LATE in the narrative of the film overall, providing a different point of view of later events. But it made it a little confusing since no other aspect it told out of order, so I was led to believe that we already had a giant spider running around. It was the type of scene that felt like its own strange short film, could have stood on its own as a 5-6 minute easily. But it was just unnecessarily placed at the start, maybe to catch our interest? Like the first 5 seconds of shitty trailers on YouTube.

I really enjoyed Corr as the step-dad. He had good beard energy that all dads and stepdads need. Also Browne, our real main character kid actress, was a certifiable badass. Imagine being a kid wanting a spider to crawl around your hands. Couldn’t be me.

Overall, Sting had a lot of fresh new energy to the Spider-horror genre, which as noted, is already severely lacking. It reminds me of The Purge. It is like a home invasion story, but different. There is a spider.

3 out of 4.

HONORABLE MENTIONS:

This is a really hard year to make this list. Like, I think this is my most ever 4 out of 4s in a long, long time. I was also delayed because one movie I knew I would love, I couldn’t watch until very early March, and I was willing to wait for it. But regardless, a lot did not make the list, let’s highlight them now!

This list includes:

Sisu, Next Sohee, Guy Ritchie’s The Covenant, Superposition, My Animal, One Day All This Will Be Yours, Pianoforte, Asteroid City, Corner Office, The Wonderful World of Henry Sugar, Peter and the Wolf, Io Capitano, To Kill A Tiger, All of Us Strangers, Subtraction, Tetris, Society of the Snow, Concrete Utopia, Upon Entry, The Holdovers, Stamped from the Beginning, Black Ice, Are You There God? It’s Me, Margaret, and Mission: Impossible – Dead Reckoning Part One.

Whew.

15) And the King Said, What a Fantastic Machine

Why is it on the list? I love giving shoutouts to lesser known movies that just are amazing and for whatever reason, don’t get noticed, or take forever to get released. Is this movie out yet? I don’t know! But I saw it at SIFF, and it was such a creative and fun documentary about the camera, its impact on the world, and its use for destruction. The trailer itself is such a great trailer, and I hope more people get to see it in the future.

Best moment? Hearing the story for why this movie is titled as it is!

Any Best Awards? Best Documentary of 2023!

14) Anatomy of a Fall

Why is it on the list? Apparently this film wasn’t picked for France’s Best International Film choice, due to some politics and they went The Taste of Things instead. But it was such a wild decision, because it is clear to everyone that Anatomy of a Fall was amazing. It won several Foreign Film awards, above The Zone of Interest, because of its compelling characters and story, but at the Oscars it didn’t have the chance, and was still nominated for Best Picture. Anyways, Sandra Hüller, was in both of those movies anyways, and her character here was just a mysterious force. Did she killer her husband? I don’t know! Maybe!

Best moment? The recordings!

Any Best Awards? Best French film of 2023!

13) I Like Movies

Why is it on the list? Well, I like movies, so it just makes sense. The lead, Isaiah Lehtinen, was captivating as just a not great person, having meltdowns, and yet, having dreams. As someone who has been around movies for so long, I have met people like his character before. I have been his character before. It was entirely relatable, and fit a very specific niche that it was nice to rediscover. And also its called damn I Like Movies, what is not to love??

Best moment? I laughed really hard when the movie Happiness was brought up.

Any Best Awards? Best Canadian Dream film of 2023!

12) Godzilla Minus One

Why is it on the list? I am not a Godzilla fan of any strong regard. I have seen I think, four or five Godzilla movies at this point. I really enjoyed the one with Bryan Cranston, but I have never had a desire to go back and watch the old ones. I don’t think I’d appreciate them. Like most people, I didn’t know that this movie was coming out when it did, but the positive word of mouth blew me away and I went hard to find a theater to see it. It blew me away! To take such a personal story, of survivor’s guilt, post World War II, veterans who wanted to still prove themselves as not failures, and attach it to a Godzilla film? Amazing. And Godzilla was downright terrifying when he came after those boats and planes early on. I love how personal the whole thing felt.

Best moment? Appreciating another countries patriotism.

Any Best Awards? Best Kaiju of 2023.

11) The Caine Mutiny Court-Martial

Why is it on the list? William Friedkin is an amazing director, bringing us hits like The French Connection and The Exorcist. And he died last year. A shame! But it happens. And his last directed movie was The Caine Mutiny Court-Martial, which was mostly ignored overall and went straight to streaming, so damn it, I am not ignoring it myself. I haven’t seen anything about The Caine Mutiny series of films ever in the past. This is my first, I don’t know if its the same story over and over again. But this one is a very strong court room film, over a Navy incident, with one epilogue scene outside of the court room. And everyone involved just brings it so hard on their acting! Not to mention Lance Reddick, in one of his final roles as well. This is a court room film I can watch again and again, just because of the acting talent at hand.

Best moment? The Epilogue really puts a lot of people, and me, the viewer, in our places.

Any Best Awards? Best courtroom drama of 2023 (sorry Anatomy).

10) Biosphere

Why is it on the list? No, not a sequel to Biodome (if so it would likely be number 1). This film only stars two people: Sterling K. Brown and Mark Duplass. And they are in a sphere to live, eat, and live, alone. Something shitty happened in the world, and life as we know it is gone. But they are both survivors. One, a scientist, one, the president, and childhood best friends. And this is them trying to live, cope, and survive further, knowing that the human race is mostly done for. And hell, it is even their fault. At the same time other things happen that I will not get to.

Best moment? When things advance for all of humanity, I will say.

Any Best Awards? Best small cast of 2023.

9) River

Why is it on the list? This is the second film by this group of people. The last one was Beyond the Infinite Two Minutes, and it made my top five film of that year. This film, explores a similar concept. Where every 2~ minutes, they find themselves back where they were two minutes ago. They remember what they did. Their conversations. But they are looped back to the start. And in this hotel of guests and workers, trying to figure out just how to STOP this time loop, of such a short amount of time, is extremely frustrating to figure out. But at the same time, sometimes you have to stop and smell the roses.

Best moment? Wondering just how they could create a film with similar themes as their last one, but in an exciting and new way.

Any Best Awards? Best time loops of 2023.

8) American Fiction

Why is it on the list? The first 90 seconds of American Fiction should have you hooked. A film where the protagonist has to complain about a world accepting only certain black stories, while giving us a story focused on a family in a world losing their mind it seems. Jeffrey Wright gives such a commanding performance and I love seeing him in more leading roles. I also loved Sterling K. Brown‘s story here, and wanted more out of him (hey he is in this top 15 twice!). This is a film, a satire, and its funny as heck. The arc of the characters, dealing with grief, and just moving on in general, just…ahhh. Fiction is weird like that.

Best moment? The various debates between authors, and the finalist, for the Book Award.

Any Best Awards? Best fictional authors of 2023!

7) Blackberry

Why is it on the list? The realistic camera office environment choices, like it was filming The Office without people staring at the camera, started this movie off on a hectic number, and in many ways, the hectic feels never really ended. It wasn’t as hectic as an Uncut Gems, but it did start us off with nerds with a great idea who couldn’t get finances, and very clearly a crook who had a do whatever it takes attitude. The perfect pairing. Glenn Howerton is of course the stand out of this film, getting to play Jim Balsillie, a famous asshole, and he plays it hard. I am stoked to see finally a movie tackle the weird Balsillie trying to buy an NHL franchise movement of the 2000s. Because this is what I think is the true story now, and no one can take it away from me.

Best moment? “I’m from Waterloo where the Vampires hangout!” will live rent free in my head for years. Also just in general, getting to see that NHL drama in film.

Any Best Awards? Best product placement film of 2023 that didn’t get nominated at the Oscars!

6) Barbie

Why is it on the list? Look, Barbie’s success as a great film was NEVER a surprise. It had Greta fucking Gerwig behind the director’s chair, and after Lady Bird and Little Women, with her own wonderful acting career, we know she is just spitting fire. So yes, I was there weekend one for Barbie’s release, I was with the trailers. And everything is just tip top perfect from this film. The casting, the practical sets, the nice meta storyline, and the wonderful ending.

Best moment? No it’s not the Ken moment I swear. It is the constant references to history, other films, and existential dread.

Any Best Awards? Best satire, best product placement film of 2023 that DID get nominated at the Oscars! And best male power anthem in a film about women power of 2023.

5) Theater Camp

Why is it on the list? Honestly, trying to figure out my top five was hard. At some point in the year, Theater Camp was number 1. And then it wasn’t. And then it was. Same can be said about most of these films! Theater Camp is great because first of all, we don’t get nearly enough Mockumentaries as a genre, and sometimes when we get them, they also can be shit! It is like Christopher Guest is trying to hold up the entirety of the genre on his back, and we need more people to get in line. Thankfully, Theater Camp does just that. A big cast of characters that are fun, a lot of quips, and a zany touching emotional ending that in no way should have worked, but then it does.

Best moment? Joan the Musical finale. I cried.

Any Best Awards? Best fake musical and best mockumentary of 2023!

4) Poor Things

Why is it on the list? Look, the reason this list took forever to make is because I KNEW, I would love Poor Things. Everything screamed this is a movie I would totally want to hang out with and watch many times to really get its weirdness. And there is many a weirdness! The colors, the sets, the costumes, the camera angels. My man, Yorgos, just is a director of pure cinema. He has visions, and he knows how to work. Despite wanting so much for Lily Gladstone to win for Best Actress, I knew Emma Stone absolutely crushed it and deserved this second win. Hell, it should be her third win, but she didn’t win Best Supporting Actress for Birdman, despite my hopes.

Best moment? The progression of abuse stories that Willem Dafoe suffered from his scientist dad.

Any Best Awards? Best absurd film of 2023!

3) The Teacher’s Lounge

Why is it on the list? Movies that make me uncomfortable mean they are doing what they set out to do. Movies that can make me uncomfortable without the use of graphic violence and horror? That is something special. Something to give you that extreme angst and sadness, just from standard, regular events. Or things just spiraling out of control. The Teacher’s Lounge does that, in Germany, with a teacher who is going by the BOOK in terms of empathy, giving students second chances, and just doing everything right, but nothing working as it should. Her colleagues, her principal, her parents, and students, all turning on her. But at the same time, because it isn’t set in America, we know it isn’t going to end with a school shooting, which is also very nice.

Best moment? The on the record newspaper conversation dupe.

Any Best Awards? Best Teacher PTSD, Best Realistic depiction of Teachers, and Best International Film of 2023!

2) Flora and Son

Why is it on the list? NEW JOHN CARNEY ALERT. NEW JOHN CARNEY ALERT. Finally. His fourth movie, an Irish film again, and highlighting new actors I did not know of before. And yes, its another story about regular people discovering music and making a band, shush. When it works, it works. This time we get to see it with a mother son relationship, dealing with divorce, new loves, and going against the legal system that isn’t a fan of repeat offenders. Eve Hewson at the lead is wonderful, and I hope to see this be a breakout moment for her.

Best moment? The together dates through the screen.

Any Best Awards? Best “family” film and musical film of 2023!

1) Oppenheimer

Why is it on the list? Is this a surprise? It is a surprise to me. Now, notably, I did make this list before the Oscars happened. It just took me forever to write. Since the list already is out WAY later than normal anyways, it felt really hard to get pen to the paper, so to speak. But I digress.

I knew Oppenheimer was in my top five. I had it shifting around, but when I sat and stared at my top fifteen for just so long, I knew Oppenheimer just had to be the top. I didn’t think Flora and Son had enough to just really earn it. But Oppenheimer has literally everything in it. Multiple storylines, a shit ton of actors giving great performances. It is a biopic, it tells a compelling story with complex characters. It sounds good, it flies by timewise (in my opinion), it is amazing on the big screen, and still great on the small screen. Cillian Murphy, I am just so proud of him, this thing was a long ways coming for his career, and he finally had such an intense and subtle role at the same time to display his craft. Oppenheimer is a top tier cinema.

Best moment? The boom.

Any Best Awards? Best Biopic, Best Drama, Best Non-Linear Story, and Best Film of 2023!

Thanks for reading! If you disagree with part of this list, let me know. If there is something I missed, let me know.

And as always, I accept hate mail via the post office, email, or tweets.

Road House was watched early from a screener. It is being released on March 22th, 2024.

Who is Dalton (Jake Gyllenhaal) ? Good question. When we are introduced to him, he is about to fight in some sort of ring match for a pot of cash, but the guy he was going to fight saw his face, and ran out of there. Easiest win ever.

And at this event, he meets Frankie (Jessica Williams), who runs a bar in the middle of nowhere Florida, called Road House. Two words. She needs a really good bouncer. They are fine with their place being a little bit of rough housing, but apparently some nasty people are getting there and causing some ruckus. And they want things to get on the up and up again. They need to drive away the ruffians, so they can go and just do their jobs and have fun.

So she offers Dalton, a shit ton of money, to be there for around a month, to train up her people and help out.

But sure enough, DARK FORCES ARE GATHERING – okay, that is too serious. Some people want to destroy the Road House, more or less, and Dalton didn’t know what he signed up for. But they also don’t know about Dalton’s past either.

Also starring Conor McGregor, Beau Knapp, Billy Magnussen, Daniela Melchior, Franklin Romero Jr., Hannah Love Lanier, B.K. Cannon, Joaquim de Almeida, Lukas Gage, Travis Van Winkle,  Chad Guerrero, and Post Malone.

Whenever Jakey stares at me, I feel it all over. 

ROAD HOUSE! The original was an interesting movie overall. It had some stars, some fights, and a very dumb ending, if I do say so myself.

The good news is, this remake also has some stars, some fights, and a very dumb ending.

Now, that is being a little bit harsh. But I just wish there was more Road House in Road House. We got Jake on a boat and in the town. We get a lot of bad guy scenes in other random places. We even get hospitals. And honestly, the 2nd half I feel like I am barely in the Road House. Longer set based action scenes on different boats, and chase scenes, so we can eventually get the bigger fights we want. You know, Gyllenhaal and McGregor.

Are those fights intense? You betcha. But the 2nd half of this film just devolves into standard action movie and I lose so much interest. I don’t care about the crime in the threats. I want the drunk fights at the bar and the bigger story should just be happening there. And like, you know, better plot. Yeah, I would have loved that too.

As a remake, this one should be satisfying to those who like old Road House. It has its own highs and lows and most people will likely find this entertaining enough!

2 out of 4.

Riddle of Fire was watched early from a screener. It is being released on March 22th, 2024.

Double, double toil and trouble, kids are going on an adventure and word that rhymes with trouble.

Hazel (Charlie Stover) and Jodie A’Dale (Skyler Peters) are having a great time with their friend Alice (Phoebe Ferro). Technically, they are being hooligans. They actually broke into a warehouse at night, to steal a package that they knew had a video game console in it! They got chased, but got away, and at home, they were excited to finally play. But…the TV had a lock on it for some reason. Boo!

Unfortunately their mom (Danielle Hoetmer) is sick, and she thinks they can get to play more with the TV if they go and get her some blueberry cake from the baker, it will heal her! But then that fetch quest has another problem, and so on, and so on, and so on.

And sure enough, eventually, they deal with cultists and witches and magic and meet another friend (Lorelei Olivia Mote) to join their merry band of adventurers.

Also starring Lio Tipton, Charles Halford, Weston Razooli, Austin Archer, and Abigail Sakari.

The main point of being a youth, is to also do spy shit like this.

Do I feel like this film has whimsy? Yeah, I do feel whimsed. Does it have enchantment? Certainly.

The vibe with Riddle of Fire is a strong one. I did not know ten years ago I would be writing reviews and talking about the vibe of a movie, but here we are. It has the look, it has the magic, it has a simple aesthetic, that even when it gets out of hand, still feels simple. It feels like its a kids movie, starring kids, that kids themselves not might like, and adults it really will depend!

Even though I can love the aesthetic, and wish I was on the journey with them, it still feels like something is lacking. Likely all dealing with the story. It is simple to follow, which is a good thing, but yet, there is a filler feel to parts of it, which become more of a frustrating element to the viewer, more than the characters. It is a film I am going to watch once, but not again. I might even recommend it to people, if I know they are in for a very specific experience, but it is not just going to hit every mood.

I really love a lot of the ideas here, and the director is showing hella promise. This was one of my most excited films in Fantastic Fest last year, that I didn’t get to see, and it was still worth it overall. Just the once.

2 out of 4.

Ricky Stanicky was watched early as a screener. It comes out on Amazon Prime on Friday, March 8th.

Dean (Zac Efron), JT (Andrew Santino), and Wes (Jermaine Fowler), are best friends, and have been since they were little kids. You know, when they went to burn some dog shit on someone’s porch on Halloween. It was a mistake, and they were almost caught! But thankfully a fake name was written on the clothing, Ricky Stanicky, and the whole thing could be blamed on this other kid, who lived in another town.

Flash forward to many years later, and they’ve been blaming things on Ricky for decades now. It lets them hang out, go on trips, all with the excuse of Ricky, while avoiding their real responsibilities. You know. FAMILY. DATING. FAMILY. JOBS. Yuck.

But eventually their lies have caught up with them. And they need to produce Ricky, or else everything will crumble around them. So of course they hire some guy, Rod (John Cena), who sings covers of songs and turns them all into masturbation jokes, to play Ricky. Nothing will go wrong!

Also starring Anja Savcic, Jane Badler, Lex Scott Davis, and William H. Macy!

The cowboy hat is how you know he likes to party. And the screaming. Ah yes, a comedy based on characters lying. Do you want to know how it ends? Come on, do you?

Well, you already know how it ends. We all already know how it ends. It ends the same way all of these comedy films based on lies end. The people get found out, and admit it, and get a hard lesson. Sometimes that hard lesson is a life set for loneliness, like in Dear Evan Hansen. Sometimes they get everything they wanted despite the lie, because lessons learned. And none of them really feel like they are worth the after school special lesson.

The only thing that could save Ricky Stanicky, would be its humor and being funny throughout. But my goodness, did I not chuckle. It barely was a bleep on my radar. Over the top John Cena, does over the top things, and people have a good time because of it.

Honestly, this friend group had such low chemistry? All three of them. They did not mesh well. And this is not some strange situation where “Efron was good, the rest did not follow,” because no, Efron was also not good. He was probably in his least charismatic role I have ever seen him. I cared not for any of their characters, and that made this movie harder to sit through.

This is a straight to the internet comedy for a reason. And that reason is, because you have already seen it.

 

1 out of 4.

Hundreds of Beavers was watched early as a screener. Its is playing theatrically in Washington at Bainbridge on March 9, 2024. It should be released digitally in April. You can watch my interview with the director (Mike Cheslik) and star (Ryland Brickson Cole Tews) right here as well.

What would you do, if you were living your best life as an apple farmer, making beer, and then your whole farm blows up unexpectedly? Also, suddenly it becomes a deep deep winter and you are all alone, no resources, in the wild. How would you SURVIVE.

Well for Jean Kayak (Ryland Brickson Cole Tews), he found himself in that very specific scenario. Now, don’t worry, he won’t talk to you about his plans out loud. He won’t really talk at all. He will start to get harassed by animals, who tease and torment him, as he tries his darndest to kill them for sustenance.

Eventually, Jean finds a fur trader (Doug Mancheski) who sells gear, weapons, and more for some beaver pelts. So beavers are what must be hunted! Surprisingly, one of the items on the list is the ability to marry his daughter, (Olivia Graves), who seems to be attracted to Jean. Now Jean has a goal besides survival. He is going to kill so many beavers. So many. And then he will be happily married.

Also starring Wes Tank and Luis Rico.

The hundreds of beavers are coming after you, and can hurt you.  

There are not a lot of movies like Hundreds of Beavers. There are not…any movies like Hundreds of Beavers? From the animal outfits, to the extreme black and white setting, to the over the top flowing of zaniness, this film is a unique entity that stands on its own. Harking back to Charlie Chaplin movies, Hundreds of Beavers is not just slap stick, it is Snow Stick, its own unique drama where falling into holes, off of trees, and into snow, is half of the fun. The other half is people in beaver and bunny costumers kicking some guys ass.

I rarely condone a film that solves its problems with violence, but this is a special type of violence. This is Looney Tunes. This is art. This is cinema.

This is a film where there isn’t really dialogue, but grunts and sim sounds. This is a film with a plot that is easy to explain, but a wonder to experience.

I honestly don’t think I will ever see a movie like Hundreds of Beavers again in my lifetime. I find that harrowing and sad. I want to rent out a person in a beaver suit to beat me up. I want to have a cartoonishly large bunny chase me down the streets. Is this awakening something new in me? I sure hope not.

Honestly I have nothing but great things to say about Hundreds of Beavers. I want you to watch it alone or with your friends or while drunk. I think you will have a good time.

4 out of 4.