Worst Films of 2015

Welcome back to another roaring year of shit film! I pride myself in looking for the worst of the worst, not just the best films. Someone has to watch the terrible movies, and it might as well be me.

This list is only the worst films I was able to see this year. There were a lot of straight to DVD junk out there that most people don’t get a chance to see, and unfortunately, I am like most people in that regard. Now. Only so much time in the day. But I feel confident this is a good spectrum of terrible films across genre and release strategies that most people could agree with.

Again, I couldn’t see all the bad stuff. I didn’t get to see Entertainment, Love the Coopers, Momentum, Child 44. I also didn’t see Terminator Genisys, which should come as a surprise. It was a big summer release. Yeah, well, after Terminator Salvation and seeing the trailer, I refuse to watch it. I won’t give it the satisfaction of wasting my time. If I had, it might have made the list, but I literally just will never see it. Unless I am forced to for reasons. Moving on!

(DIS)HONORABLE MENTIONS: Minions. Self/Less. Hot Tub Time Machine 2. Hot Pursuit. These films barely missed the cut. Now on to the real shit!

15) Boulevard

Choosing the last spot on this list was one of the hardest. There were so many films I rated 1 out of 4 that could have filled it, with literally every one of the Honorable Mentions being prime candidates.

But I picked Boulevard, the last film starring Robin Williams? Why? Was it truly that boring and slow as my review described? Eh, maybe. Maybe I had a bad day. I would say in reality could be closer to an average film.

I put it here for a personal reason. After my review, I had a comment from someone who claimed to be the writer. Then, later, I received an email from him again. The writer of Boulevard was angry at me for not loving his movie, even though it is just some guy who had like five writing credits since 1995, with most of them being just TV movies.

Yes, I am only 10 years old.

14) Jem and the Holograms

Jem and the Holograms was a film I made sure I could watch with its theatrical release, just in case it was bad enough for this list. I expected it to be one of the worst films of the year. The trailers were bad and seemed to shit all over the source material.

But it didn’t end up being that bad. This is the last film on the list that I gave a 1 out of 4 too, everything 13 and on is a pure zero film. Jem was terrible, it truly was, however one scene kept me from kicking it in the shins.

It fucking made me cry. Out of nowhere, because it switched genres every 15 minutes, there was a 5-7 minute scene that was so incredibly sad thanks to my new dad hormones, I just had tears rolling down my cheeks. Damn you surprise tear jerkers. You ruined the films potential of being truly worse than what it was.

13) Seventh Son

Seventh Son is the type of movie you watch, notably get annoyed at its existence, and then forget about it. I could not remember that this came out this year or that I even watched it. Thankfully the tag feature on my site lets me see all my 0 out of 4s, and there it was, just lying there, looking like a scared little bird.

Then the pictures of my review made the painful memories return. Not important ones like the plot, or characters, or anything. Just the memories about dislike and hatred.

What is this movie about? I don’t know, shitty fantasy. And shitty fantasy needs to be acknowledged as it attempts to ruin the best genre out there.

12) Sharknado 3: Oh Hell No!

Readers will see this entry and go one of two ways:

The dumbasses out there will think that the film is intentionally bad and shouldn’t be on the list for this reason. Fuck that. Bad things need to be acknowledged, and shit for shit’s sake is never a good time. If someone has to be drunk, with a group of friends, only half watching the film and half making jokes, then the film isn’t actually good. Drinking is good.

The other side will wonder how in the hell there are 11 worse films than a third Sharknado film. Yeah, I am surprised too.

Sharknado 3 was bad, in every way, from the acting to the CGI to the plot. Yet I only slightly hated it. All the other films from this point on are just literally movies I hated worse. Could be a variety of reasons to hate them, but number one is that they all would have cost me time or money to see them. Either from a movie ticket or rental or driving to a theater.

If someone could say anything good about Sharknado 3, it would be that at least it is on free and on TV. No other commitment needed outside of the time it takes to see it. After you are done, you can immediately go back to napping. That’s a good thing!

11) Paranormal Activity: The Ghost Dimension

It is important to note out the individual achievements of certain films. And sure, achievements can be negative. In a year with many bad horrors that I liked more than other people, Paranormal Activity: The Ghost Dimension is the worst. The worst horror movie of the year! Congrats!

It is the worst film in the 6 movie franchise. It switches to 3D for absolutely no reason and decides to get rid of any of the subtle scares that made the franchise great.

It does something else even worse. It still doesn’t fully explain the mythos of the franchise, despite that it is the last paranormal activity film. Allegedly. And that is why this film is only at number 11. At least it signifies that no more of these foul film creations can be made.

10) Taken 3

Speaking of franchise ending films, fuck Taken 3 and everything it stands for.

I think I can speak for everyone when I say that Taken was great or enjoyable, and Taken 2 was shit. Liam Neeson said he wouldn’t do another film, but then something like $10 million dollars spoke, so of course he did a third one.

They changed the formula, and they made the main character a bigger asshole than ever before. Now he is harming American citizens and American police officers. Everything bad that happens in this film can just be ignored if he doesn’t run when he is set up for the crime. The plot is beyond convoluted with an ending that will leave you scratching your head. But again, this should mean the franchise is at least finally dead.

9) The Boy Next Door

The Boy Next Door has almost everything working against it. Jennifer Lopez is the star and she has arguably never been in any good film ever. Remember Parker? Of course not. But you probably remember Gigli.

But it is also a trashy sex thriller. Something that might make you hot and bothered, but then someone ends up dead. A strange genre, for sure. I guess murderers are sexy. Those two genres mashed together give one of the worst hybrid genres. Not as bad as Western Sci-Fi, but close.

Either way, at 90 minutes it is still far too long. It is the type of film that should maybe just be the plot of a music video, which would be much more suited to Ms. Lopez’s acting style. So maybe she just got confused?

8) Paul Blart: Mall Cop 2

Some people rightfully assumed that Paul Blart: Mall Cop 2 would be one of the worst movies of the year. After all, Paul Blart: Mall Cop wasn’t good and so a sequel shouldn’t be good either. But you know who didn’t think that would be the case? Red Robin (Yummmmmmmm!). I remember having the ability to buy a $25 gift card from them and getting a free ticket to see the movie! So I did.

The good news is I got to eat Red Robin. The bad news is I had to see this terrible sequel.

The problem with the movie isn’t that it is offensive, it is just safe and family friendly in the worst way. Simplistic jokes and slap stick. Boring plot lines and boring characters. Sure, they were all eccentric, but that doesn’t make them good.

And all of this is a shame. All of these terrible movies Kevin James is in. And now people won’t give him work because of it. Because he is a funny guy, a funny stand up, and was good on TV. He just can’t get a movie with a good script. Damn shame.

7) Aloha

According to movies I have seen, and not any actual cultural research, Aloha means hello and goodbye, which shouldn’t come as a shock to anyone. It is clear that the film version of Aloha just means goodbye and to never return, ever.

Ignoring all the casting decisions, Aloha is a romantic comedy drama with absolutely no soul. Zero soul, zero passion, zero effort. Bradley Cooper‘s character is like a zombie throughout the film.

It has only one good scene. Just one! And that involves two characters speaking to each other through a lack of words.

Everything else is cookie cutter simple bull shit. Avoid at all cost. (And yes, this is the year’s worst RomCom).

6) Mortdecai

And then there is Mortdecai. Guess what? Another January film on this list. This is the third one from the month, but don’t worry, in the top 5 there is still one more hiding. If anything, January is at least consistent with its terrible films. By having them all so early, you can wait to see them all on DVD before Summer and they can still make your worst list!

I am annoyed at Mortdecai, because usually in January there is at least one film that I can enjoy a lot more than the others. It might still get bad reviews but I thought it was funny. I thought Mortdecai would be this movie for me, and it let me down just like Ride Along.

I hope this movie served as a wake up call for Johnny Depp. He is a good actor but hasn’t given a crap about most of his roles for years, and it shows. He is just earning that fat cash and taking his dogs all around the world.

Mortdecai, although somewhat unique in its premise, is not funny and not interesting. And I am a reviewer who appreciates facial hair in film. It is a new low point for Depp’s career, and not even Black Mass could save him from a disappointing 2015.

5) The Transporter Refueled

Now we are at the bottom five, the worst of the worst. The things you couldn’t pay me to watch. (Editor’s Note: I will watch all of these movies again for money.) And I can’t wait to badmouth The Transporter Refueled some more.

This is a sequel no one asked for. This is a reboot no one asked for. Hell, the last two Transporter movies were things no one asked for. But my Arch-Rival Luc Besson doesn’t give a fuck and he keeps putting out films.

Outside of one, maybe two scenes, there is nothing special about this film. Those one to two scenes show a clever action fight, and then they move on back to a slightly confusing, definitely convoluted plot. Twists and turns can be good, but if all of them feel pointless, the viewer will feel jerked along. Like they are in a car chase. Which I guess this film as in it as well.

The lead is no Jason Statham and he has zero charisma or screen presence. It’s like watching a role of salami wear a suit. Although I’d argue that movie might at least be entertaining due to some comedy.

4) Fantastic Four

The placing of Fantastic Four on this list felt hard, but for some reason, fourth worse just felt right.

There are a lot of worsts going for Fantastic Four. It is the worst action movie of the year and worst super hero movie since…I don’t even know. The Wolverine was bad, but not this bad.

It was boring enough to cause me to personally snooze in the film for up to five minutes. I am lucky that I am a loud snorer so I could be woken up before I missed the truly dreadful parts when they went into the different dimension. All I missed was a science montage, which I am sure would have only pissed me off further. It is strange that they can make a movie about the Fantastic Four and seem to actively ignore every part of the team outside of Mr. Fantastic.

The relationship between The Thing and Reed was the most forced bromance of 2015. The team does practically no fighting, turning it into almost a drama. Two fight scenes, where one of them is straight up Dr. Doom killing a ton of people like a horror film, and the other a CGI explosion of boring tropes that only can make people think of the first Fantastic Four film finale with Dr. Doom.

Apparently this movie had directoral issues and lots of reshoots, which is a shame, because his previous film Chronicle was amazing. This version of the super hero team will go down as the worse version, yes worse than the 1994 film, which is most surprising given the actual talent involved with the film.

3) United Passions

The only reason I even heard about the movie United Passions is due to John Oliver and its hilariously bad opening weekend numbers. It opened in 10 theaters in 10 different cities across the US and it couldn’t even make $1,000 over the first three days. No one wanted to see a movie about the founding and history of FIFA.

Why? Well, one, nobody in America cares about FIFA for the most part. So that was already going against it. But two, FIFA was involved in huge scandals about corruption from all its top ranking members. So the timing of a film that asked the viewer to ignore the current reality and instead focus on the past, and show that the organization is one that stands for honor and sportsmanship is a really hard thing to sell.

I will be honest, within 10 minutes of watching the movie I knew it was a dud. It was like watching a movie about a man, directed and written by that same man. That man decided the set and other actors, but of course the writer/director would star as himself in the lead role. It smelled and oozed of self congratulatory work. It wanted us to know all the efforts it went to make this crazy organization. It mentioned some troubled times, but it showed how it rose above them! How did it rise above them?

With Sepp Blatter, played by Tim Roth, who got all the corruption out of FIFA! And is now, you know, most of the cause for their current corruption.

No one should want to watch this dramatically slow and uncomfortable circle jerk. But a documentary about FIFA, showing their corruption, and including this terrifying movie would probably be a great watch. And of course, this is the worst Drama/Historical/Biographical film of the year. Hooray!

2) Strange Magic

“What the fuck is Strange Magic?” you might be asking yourself. You mean you didn’t know that an animated musical epic came out in January on the same day as Mortdecai? It opened in over 3,000 theaters and finished its opening weekend ranked #7. That is two spots over Mortdecai!

Well, Strange Magic is made by no other than George Lucas himself! Disney had to release this film, presumably as part of them buying LucasArts. If they didn’t, they might not have gotten Star Wars! Apparently this film was in production for about 15 years. Why? George wanted to do something for his daughters. He said, quite sexist-ly, that Star Wars was for 12 year old boys, so he needed a new Star Wars for 12 year old girls.

Gender stereotypes aplenty, because Lucas made an animated, jukebox musical, about fairies fighting in a forest over good an evil. And as for his song theme? There was no theme at all. It was literally just random music he liked, or something.

I am a big jukebox musical apologist, but these song choices are a downright travesty. The animation isn’t good looking, the plot is terrible, and of course the reasoning behind it is almost horrifying. Disney really just wanted to bury this film and it shows. Strange Magic is almost the worst film of the year, while also being the worst animated film, musical, and fantasy.

1) Joe Dirt 2: Beautiful Loser

And there you have it. The worst film of 2015. Well, did you guess it correctly? Did you expect it? Did you even know it existed?

A lot of people didn’t watch Joe Dirt 2: Beautiful Loser, and that is to be expected. After all, it never went to theaters but it also wasn’t straight to DVD. It started out streaming online. No, not on Amazon Prime, not Netflix, not even Yahoo. It was streaming originally on Crackle and only on Crackle.

Crackle is a Sony streaming service, and most people are pretty confused why The Interview wasn’t put there after all the hassle. You can go to their website without logging in and watch some movies! You just have to watch them with ads.

And with that, I had to watch the worst movie of the year. With fucking ad breaks in it, giving the movie some sort of monetary value, making me feel bad. Journalistic integrity made me watch the whole movie, so I couldn’t just wait for a DVD release, people needed to know. And I am part of the reason David Spade got paid for this.

Everything about this movie is an attack against good quality movies. It recycles internet jokes on the screen. And references to internet jokes are ALWAYS late and dated, but it feels even more so with this film. It went out of its way to make a Forrest Gump parody, 20 years after the fact. Almost every scene goes on too long, that way all potentially good jokes can be driven into the ground leaving you in this awkward valley that will never end.

In the end, I bet this movie made a profit too. Because life isn’t fair some times. And if that happened to be true, there could be a third Joe Dirt, potentially killing cinema as we know it. The worst film of the year, the worst comedy of the year.

Thanks for reading! If you disagree with part of this list, let me know. If there is something I missed, let me know (but I probably saw it and reviewed it on this very site! Check out my thoughts).

And as always, I accept hate mail via the post office, email, or tweets.