Tag: The 15:17 to Paris

Blah blah blah, worst movies! boo bad movies!

So you know the drill, here are some honorable mentions. Honorable what?

(dis)HONORABLE MENTIONS:

Some of the worst movies of the year that did not make the list include the animated films Peter Rabbit and Sherlock Gnomes. Another documentary that did not make the list was Deadly Deception, Exposing The Dangers Of Vaccine, which only didn’t make it because under 100 people even saw it probably. Also films like The Nun and A-X-L as I haven’t even felt like writing them yet, as they are bad, but not bottom 15 bad.

15) Samson

How bad is Samson? Well, first off, it is the regular amount of bad. That is important to note. Second off, after seeing it, I wanted to make a whole theme week of Christian related films that I had missed. But that felt like torture, and I only ended up having 2 of the 5 films ready.

Then, I forgot to review it. I probably won’t. Let this stand as a review. This is a long film, made to look darker with filters for gritty realism or something, but it is one of the most boring films to try and get through. It is basically torture, similar to the torture that goes through the main character, except this torture is real.

14) Slenderman

A rushed film, with a lot edited out, and surprise, it makes the list! Trying to make horror films out of extremely modern things, memes, games, whatever always tends to turn out poorly. But why did this one turn out more poorly? It has no real scares and is just a mess.

Because of Joey King. If she is in a movie, that movie is going to be terrible. That has to be the rule at this point. Another of her recent horror films, Wish Upon, also made my worst of the year list. Coincidence? Or Joey King?

13) Show Dogs

Ah yes, a film with controversy. I saw the trailer for this film a long time ago, months before coming out as part of a market research group, and talked about how much shit this movie would be. And guess what, it was shit.

Grooming kids for sexual abuse aside, even the edited version doesn’t change a whole lot from the movie. We got all the fart jokes, all the poop jokes, all the things that make this seem like a 90’s TV movie and nothing else.

Every part of this film is bad, it has no redeeming qualities, and somehow ended up being the worst movie about dogs this year.

12) The Darkest Minds

Oh no, Amanda Stenberg, what are you doing? This is a film that came out in August, like a strange wannabe X-men, with terrible plot twists and a ridiculous explanation for…most things. And just a few months later, she came out as the lead in The Hate U Give, which made my best of the year list, and relatively high up.

Such a year of extremes for her. But for this movie, acting wasn’t the problem, just everything about the plot and ending and whatever we want to call between those things.

11) Fifty Shades Freed

Oh for goodness sake. It is finally over, done with, kaput! Donezo! Outta here!

The trilogy is done, and it ended out how the first few began. Poorly, without plot, with bad acting, and gratuitousness amounts of cuts in montages about boats.

What’s the next terrible franchise to fill this hole? I can only cry and stay up late at night wondering. Of course, they could always make spinoffs or more, probably takes about an hour to throw up one of these scripts.

10) The Nutcracker And the Four Realms

Ah good, with the final 10, I can include Disney films and feel like a badass.

I honestly can’t imagine how this film even made it out. It must have cost a bundle to make, with the effects, costumes, some high named actors. There are probably some ballet rights it had to afford too. They probably needed to release it assuming it would take a hit at the beginning, but get some nice streaming/tv rights in the future around Christmas time from TBS or something.

This is a film that is hard to follow, because it has a shit plot, and it should really feel bad about its effort.

9) Teen Titans Go! To The Movies

This movie is legitamately the only one I was mostly shocked to make it on the list. If you showed me posters/trailers whatever for the rest of these, I would have nodded my head “Yeah, I can see that sucking,” and not be shocked.

But a modern animated movie, made by a big studio, about a tv show? Worst of the year? You betcha.

This movie is basically the worst parts of the internet. This is the memes of movies, going for some ultra-meta thing, which really comes off as annoying, over, and over, and over again. Constantly reminding me you aren’t that original, with some fart jokes, is in no way a movie I will ever want to see again.

8) Blumhouse’s Truth or Dare

I believe this movie was one of the first 0 out of 4’s of the year for 2018. Besides having the unnecessary title, it does a lot wrong with its horror concept. Changing the rules randomly in the movie? That’s lazy. Not explaining why some people can have their turn skipped and it still messes with other people? That’s bad writing.

This film wanted to be the next Final Destination, but the scenarios are so stupid, and it is extremely hard for us to really care about the truths, it just is. They might make people mad, but certainly the viewers too, mad at the screen.

7) The Kissing Booth

Oh what’s this? A Netflix original film? That’s like picking on the runts of the litter, right? Like the kid with crutches who decided to play dodgeball.

But this film is important to bash and important to bring up. It has terrible relationship goals and highlights them in a positive life. Shit, that man is abusive in training, preventing others from talking to her, solving everything with violence.

Oh, wait, what’s that? The lead is…Joey King?! Twice in one year? Damn, in 2019 are you going for the Turkey?

6) The Misandrists

How the hell am I going to write about The Misandrists? How the hell did I already write about The Misandrists?

I rarely try to put titles up here that most people would have never heard about, but holy shit, this film is something else. I tried to go in with an open mind, I tried to see it as some cool feminist message. But this is a strange movie, that I could recommend to only one person and that is it.

I mean, the idea is original? That’s a plus?

5) Hotel Transylvania 3

A lot of animated films have hit trilogy status lately, and most of them are terrible. Cars 3, Despicable Me 3, This one, maybe some more this year, who knows. And this one is really bad.

It didn’t have a good idea for a plot, and spent most of the time…well, being bad. It is just a vehicle for all these actors to act silly, and introduce nothing important to the franchise, and bog us down with the Macarena.

This is the worst animated movie of 2018.

4) Mortal Engines

Possibly the most ambitious movie on this list, Mortal Engines had Peter Jackson involved! Okay, not really, but his name was attached a bit and some of his money!

Trying to be the next big teenage dystopian film franchise, this went for a story that could only be made by shredding up dollars at actors and CGI artists until something close to competent appeared on the film strip. And even though they shred a lot of money, what we got was still an ugly mess and what should be one of the biggest horror stories when it comes to box office bombs this year.

Not every book needs a movie, nor can every book be a movie. This should have been left entirely on the cutting room floor.

3) The 15:17 to Paris

Hey, you know what people like? Real stories! You know what else people like? Heroes!

So let’s make a real story about heroes! And since people like heroes, let’s let them play themselves! Save money on actors, get those true accounts, and it will feel authentic.

And that is how The 15:17 to Paris was made. And that is how in a movie that is about a scene that only takes a few minutes to happen, we get to see non-actors pretending they are traveling around Europe and seeing the sights for the first time. Most of this movie is them traveling and getting to the train. What kind of trash do they think we want to watch? Holy shit, just make a documentary, but this is not something that should be okay to produce.

The worst biography, drama, action film of the year.

2) The Happytime Murders

Speaking of movies that should have never been made (most of this list), we have a movie that COULD have actually been good based on the initial idea, but the execution made it one of the worst. They said they wanted to make an adult movie with muppets. Apparently adult just means have some sex and violence, with a weak plot, and extremely weak jokes.

Adult movies could have had a comedy with some nuance. It could have had a wide variety of humor levels, it could have deal with real issues still. Instead, this adult movie was made for no one except the pre-teens who want to watch things like this to feel edgy. A very small fraction of the Deadpool fan club.

In any normal year, it would have been the worst film of the year, easy, hands down. Instead, it is just the worst comedy, and worst mystery. And worst use of muppets.

1) Death of a Nation

Okay, okay, if using a Netflix movie was cheating, then this sort of film to end the list is most definitely cheating. If Dinesh D’Souza makes a documentary in a year (which at this point has been every other year), then of course, of course his documentary will probably be the worst thing put together in that year. I think generally he has made this list, and usually near the top if not the top.

But just because something always happens, doesn’t mean that it shouldn’t happen again if it deserves it. There is a joke about Tom Brady in there somewhere.

The documentary is trash, lies, and worst of all, it is repetitive from his previous work. It isn’t even full of new lies, its the same boring old ones and stories that don’t matter in the slightest.

Get this trash out of our universe.

Thanks for reading! If you disagree with part of this list, let me know. If there is something I missed, let me know (but I probably saw it and reviewed it on this very site!

And as always, I accept hate mail via the post office, email, or tweets.

I will admit, when I first saw that this movie was coming out, I knew it had to be one of the early favorites for worst movie of 2018. A movie about a real event, starring some of the real people? What could go wrong?!

The 15:17 To Paris looked like utter shit, and as you can already see, yes, it was utter shit.

At this point, I assume Clint Eastwood is only alive because of directing. He is known for doing things quickly and under budget, despite issues, and it is really showing. Look at recent movies: American Sniper, Trouble With The Curve, Sully, Jersey Boys. He has some real event movies, and they aren’t spectacular. He had a known amazing musical and he botched it. And The Trouble With the Curve? Well, you probably forgot it existed.

The only real worthy note about some of his recent movies has been the acting in it. But it is clear that it is probably more so the good actors continuing to act good, and not Eastwood bringing it out of them. So now we have him directing people who have NO training at acting and really watch it blow up in his face.

Maybe not the best choice of words in a movie about a terrorist attack.

In 2015, on a train from Amsterdam to Paris, a terrorist attack occurred. A guy came out of the bathroom with guns ready to fire, and tons of ammunition. Immediately, he struggled against people waiting to use the bathroom, but once shots were fired, people began to run and much panic ran throughout the train.

But three Americans in a cart over decided that running was not in their blood. Spencer Stone (Spencer Stone), Anthony Sadler (Anthony Sadler), and Alek Skarlatos (Alek Skarlatos) in various amounts fought back against the attacker, including rushing at him despite being fired against.

The three and another were able to get rid of his weapons and subdue him, and keep him down, until they stopped at the next station where authorities and doctors were able to take over. They were international heroes, helping prevent a much greater tragedy.

But how did they get to that point and why are they even friends? Lets have a movie about that.

Also starring Judy Greer, Jenna Fischer, and the young versions of our heroes played by William Jennings, Bryce Gheisar, and Paul-Mikél Williams.

Bullrush is not the feat it used to be.

Many years ago, Act of Valor came out and I completely hated it. It was a big PR stunt, with actual seals instead of actors. By bringing in authenticity to the craft, they lost having a competent movie. But at least with Act of Valor there was a story. At least there was an attempt to be entertaining and to fill some people with wonder. After all, if it is propaganda, there needs to be a hook.

For The 15:17 to Paris, it seems like it is actually not a movie, but an experiment, to see how much bullshit a person can take before they stop watching a movie. Unfortunately, I can take a huge bag of it, so I saw the whole thing, but I can’t imagine why. This 94 minute movie should have been about 14 minutes long.

We get to have plot of the young versions causing problems in school, becoming friends, and of course, their moms arguing against pills for ADD. Okay. Cool. Go strong with your anti-science doctrine in the first few minutes.

After that we have our characters played by themselves, but pretending to be high school students trying to figure out future careers. Then of course doing these jobs and goign through training and doing things in Afghanistan. Just a whole lot of pointlessness, until we get to the ending. You know, when they are finally ready to go backpacking and train riding throughout Europe!

And guess what. We now get to see the three pretend to relive these moments. You know, being in Italy, Germany, and other places, pretending to be tourists who have been there for the first time, just doing normal things. It is so incredibly uncomfortable and pointless.

None of these things matter at all for the actual train ride. There aren’t clever points where “Oh, we saw them talk to that Californian girl and get Gelato with her because she taught them to disarm a weapon!” Nope. Just because they did it in real life, I guess.

Good news. These guys are heroes. Bad news, everything and everyone about this movie. Goddamn it Clint Eastwood.

0 out of 4.