Tag: 0 out of 4

“Hey, website guy, why do you keep watching bad movies, then getting upset that the movies are bad?”

Well, reader. Just because a movie is direct to video, not advertised, or unheard of doesn’t mean it is automatically bad. I have found many great films that were blind watches, so that is part of the thrill. Sure, more may have been shit, but when the good ones show up, it is a great feeling. It is a feeling that lets me tell the world that they need to see a movie, so that they too can have some joy in their lives.

But this time, The Courier happens to fall in line with the majority, and isn’t a good outlier.

Generic photo, void of any action.

So in this movie we have a courier (Jeffrey Dean Morgan). We know he is a courier, because his name is The Courier. It is important to establish himself as a courier, and not a transporter, because making a movie about a transporter would be silly. Either way, some guy (Til Schweiger) makes it so he has to deliver a package to another man. He just wont let him know where to find the man, because that would be too easy. So instead, he is getting a lot of money to use his skills to find the man and deliver the package. If he doesn’t, he will die.

Oh, well, I guess he better get to it then.

Some people die, some torture, some plot twist, then some action stuff. Mickey Rourke. Lili Taylor. Miguel Ferrer. Mark Margolis. Yawn.

Generic stand off, still void of any action.

So here is a problem I am facing. Jeffrey Dean Morgan. He is a charismatic guy, I guess. He could be a nice action star. I liked him in a few movies. But now he has been the lead in two movies I have rated 0 out of 4 (The other being The Possession). I don’t do that too often, just as rare as a 4 out of 4. I am proud of my bell curve of ratings! So two films I have just hated that I watched it and would never recommend to anyone in my life ever.

What the hell, Jeff?

This movie was so bad, they didn’t even advertise it correctly, and not for the reason you think. You probably have never heard of the movie, that is fine. It is a direct to video, no theater, action movie. Whatever. But it did have some movie posters regardless. Like this one here. Go on, look. Kind of cool, sure. BUT THEY SPELLED MICKEY ROURKE’S NAME WRONG. On their own dang official poster.

Hah. Just hah.

Get the fuck out of here, The Courier.

0 out of 4.

Kids. Listen to me now.

Judging a movie by its cover is bad, we all know that. That is why I have to watch these movies and make sure they are bad, not just assume.

Well, the cover needs to be decent as well to get people interested in it, to give them a chance. The Day‘s cover isn’t too spectacular, but I at least knew some people in it. So why not give it a shot?

Fuck. Let’s do that thing where I show giant pictures to cover up the bad.

Hey. You played an evil chick in that one movie. I wonder if you are evil here too. You do look scurry.

Alright, so this story takes place in a post apocalyptic society. Something happened, people are dead, everything is scarce, and THIS MOVIE IS A LIE. IT IS ALL A LIE.

Google “The Day” and “Film” or something, check out the images. All nice color stuff, like the one above. Even the cover. But fuck you, that is not what the movie looks like in the slightest.

Oh you look quite a bit more sick there, little girl.

Yeah, that’s right. Fucking black and white-ish. Surprise! Didn’t expect that. You know, because it is basically lies in the form of advertising. I will judge it harshly. No, I didn’t think it was color before hand, but the black and white is ugly, and seems to be a last minute addition clearly.

Either way. Not many survivors. So we have a group of people who may or may not know each other. There used to be more, but they died. Now we just have five left. Rick (Dominic Monaghan), Henson (Cory Hardrict), Adam (Shawn Ashmore), Shannon (Shannyn Sossamon), and Mary (Ashley Bell).

Well, they happen upon a small house in the middle of no where, so they investigate. Oh, it has food. Too bad it also is super alarmed. Jokes on them, local cannibal tribes in the area have set up a trap! Now they have to fend off against 20 or more people. Uh oh.

So people die. Some faster than others. Some of them may be big names. If any of them survive by the end, does it really matter? The world is very bleak, after all.

Basically, the movie was shit, and it didn’t even decide to dress up like anything else. It wasn’t that long, but it took forever for the alarm to even go off. I bet this could have worked as a short film, 25 minutes max. It would have been entertaining and got the same point across.

But this movie is just filler. Extreme filler, and violence subdued thanks to the choice of filter. This is why I can’t have nice things. Hell, even the cannibals had no personality. I think I have only seen cannibals in about three movies now. One the most famous cannibal ever. This. And of course, a little musical.

All the personality one could ever imagine.

0 out of 4

Scary Movie 5.

Fuck. I watched Scary Movie 4 before this, even though I swore it off after seeing Scary Movie 3. Fuck my need to be a completionist.

Fuckkkkk.

Basically, long story short, Scary Movie 5 is a parody of Mama more so than Paranormal Activity 4. So hey, that’s unexpected. The trailers didn’t really show any Mama scenes. But the other major movie “parodied” is Black Swan, with a scene from Inception, and an even shorter scene from Sinister. Hell, they even have the new Evil Dead in there, but it is obvious (if not by the timing alone) that it is based only on the trailer for Evil Dead, not the actual movie. Oh yeah, Rise of the Planet of the Apes too, because why not?

BUT AM I DONE? NO. Also Zero Dark Thirty, and The Help. THE HELP? WHAT? WHY? That doesn’t even remotely get near the topic of the title.

Okay, calm down self. You can’t freak out this early.

Either way, Jody (Ashley Tisdale) and Dan (Simon Rex) are able to find his brother’s missing kids in a cabin in the woods. They are all weird now, the oldest talks of some entity Mama that is helping them out. They get to stay in a kick ass home, with lots of surveillance, where paranormal things happen. Their housekeeper (Lidia Porto) is very religious of course. Dan is a scientist trying to make Apes smarter, and Jody wants to get back to her ballerina roots like her mother. So she tries out for Black Swan, and has a rival (Erica Ash).

I don’t want any celebrity who was apart of this to miss out on getting tagged, so here is a big list of people in this movie! Usher, Heather Locklear, Sarah Hyland, Jerry O’Connell, Terry Crews, Molly Shannon, Snoop Dogg/Lion, Charlie Sheen, Lindsay Lohan, Katrina Bowden, Katt Williams, Darrell Hammond, and Mike Tyson.

There is also a narrator, who sounds a lot like Morgan Freeman, but it is not Morgan Freeman, I repeat, it is not Morgan Freeman! They did it to make you think he was in the movie. It’s all a lie, so he shall not be tagged.

Yep. Taken from the trailer, clearly.

If you need a recap of where the Scary Movie franchise went wrong, see my review of A Haunted House. Yes, A Haunted House is a much better film than Scary Movie 5, no question about it.

It has only a couple of the scenes from the trailer actually in it, which is a pretty annoying habit that needs to die out. Instead of having an overall unifying plot, it feels instead like a bad sketch comedy show (given the over-exaggerated everything), with scenes that barely fit together just to include some pop culture references in it. But Scary Movie arguably only talks about 3 horrors, and fills the rest with a thriller, a suspense, and a movie about apes! That isn’t even appropriate for something called Scary Movie. Bad movie makes, bad!

I went in expecting bad things, and well, this time it came true. I think I heard giggles once in my theater, two days after it came out. I actually did laugh out loud once, and it was because of something the narrator said. But other than that, this film might have been better titled Silent Movie given the reaction from the audience.

Also, Usher isn’t in the IMDB credits yet, but he totally has a dance scene, so I wanted to draw extra attention to him.

0 out of 4.

It has come to the point that if I see a preview for a movie that features a predominantly large African American cast, I assume it was made (or produced/presented) by Tyler Perry. I had that thought when I first saw the trailer for Temptation: Confessions Of A Marriage Counselor, and again when I saw Peeples, which looks like a Meet The Parents remake.

And it pisses me off.

Why? I am mad that Tyler Perry is apparently the ONLY person doing this. There is a lot of (justified) dislike for Tyler Perry movies in general, but if anything we can say he is doing a lot for his community in the entertainment industry and he should be rewarded for it. But please, please, someone else join it too. Maybe take the reigns from him. Then I won’t have to see movies like this one.

I know all there is about temptation. Just throw in some eyebrow waggles and you are good to go.

The movie begins at a government office with a marriage counselor, and a couple coming in to possibly divorce. Why? Well, secretly, the wife has found another and is making her man miserable. Well, girlfriend, you need to hear the story about the marriage counselor’s “sister”, Judith (Jurnee Smollett-Bell. She grew up with Brice (Lance Gross, fell in love with him, and they have been married for years! Him, a pharmacist, her, having a masters in something or another.

With that degree, all she did was land herself in some high class match making firm, helping come up with the matching algorithms, through psychology and shit. Harley (Robbie Jones) is a programmer who made the third biggest social network website (oh man!) and he wants to invest in the company. But maybe, just maybe, he wants to invest himself in Judith. Oh yeahh.

Judith’s mother taught her how to be a good wife. Cook meals for his man, always be there for him, not to be swayed by fast cars and money. Fast cars and money are the devil! Well, the devil is so…I don’t know, tempting!

There is also a side story of a new girl (Brandy Norwood) at Brice’s pharmacy, who is super secretive, and maybe on the run from an abusive ex boy friend. Also “featuring” Kim Kardashian as the “Bitch from Judith’s work”, Vanessa Williams as their boss, and Renee Taylor as the bigoted old white lady.

Oh for fucks sake. Now she is tagged on my website.

Well, everything that happens in this movie is predictable, nothing will come as a shock. It does, however, escalate so much out of control that there is a chance multiple people could die! Who knew that being an adulterer could lead to death. What is this, Mean Girls?

The ending is a complete mess. Not the actual ending where the climax occurs, but the slower part afterwards, when you remember that this entire thing was a story from a government issued marriage counselor. The girl who was fooling around literally is left crying from the story and agrees to never give into the temptation of another man and love her husband forever. What?!

I guess that was an easy enough solution to everyone’s problems.

But back to the movie. The acting wasn’t that great, but you knew that when you saw that Kardashian was billed third overall. It moves far too slow at the beginning, and it is a predictable drab overall. I was actually excited to watch this film because, as I have said before, Tyler Perry is good at dramas! But that was only using For Colored Girls as my only TP Drama reference, and it wasn’t an original work of his. My bad, maybe action is his best role?

0 out of 4.

I was surprised when I was at the local RedBox, another random free rental, and had nothing that I wanted to see. That’s a lie, I had two things in mine, but both disappeared in the two hours between checking and getting. You lose, you lose.

Either way, my two backups were complete guesses. This one had Jesse Eisenberg in it! Nice! He is about 50/50 in terms of quality movies. Why Stop Now indeed? I shouldn’t be worried that it has some big stars in it and it is clearly a straight to DVD release.

“Why Stop Now” is most certainly the response to someone telling the director to “Stop Now”. You know, because its terrible. Speaking of terrible, that joke took too many words to tell it, and is therefore terrible as well. Now the joke is running itself into the ground. Like Why Stop Now. Yeahh, brought it back around. Oh, fuck. Eli (Eisenberg) loves him some piano. Loves it hard. He is some sort of adult already, and trying to get into a music/piano school? He has an audition tomorrow, but gets hammered. Smart thinking, Eli.

Especially because he has to take his mom (Melissa Leo) to rehab in the morning, and his sister to school. The problem with rehab is that they either must have good insurance (which they don’t) or be on drugs at the time to get entered, and right now, she is clean. My brain right now hurts, typing this up, I will have you know.

His sister has a sock puppet, that has been getting her in trouble at school, basically being insensitive. Yep. Either way, they have to go to her drug dealer, Sprinkles (Tracy Morgan) to get some pills. This of course puts them on some “zany and wacky” adventure, involving the drug market, family bonds, and trying to get everyone to their appointments on time. Too bad Eli also gets stabbed in the hand during all of this. Hard to play a piano with a knife in it I guess.

Well, at least the sock puppet is racially sensitive. I am going to try something different here.

No.

Just fuck no.

Don’t do it. It’s bad. It’s a trap. Fuck it. Fuck it completely. Run away. Just burn the movie people.

0 out of 4.

Let me tell you a little story. Redbox free rental codes mean one thing normally. It means I can get some fucked up random movie and see how it is without feeling bad. The last time was Zombies Vs. Strippers. But this time I wanted a real movie! But the red box I looked up and planned for was closed, had to go to a close one nearby, none of the ones I wanted were there.

So I got 1313: Cougar Cult instead. Clearly that name alone, it must be some sex based horror movie with middle aged women.

But I was wrong. I was oh so very wrong.

THIS IS WHERE I START TYPING IN ALL CAPS.

ALRIGHT, SO THESE THREE WOMEN ARE ALL LOUNGING IN THEIR GIANT MANSION (Linnea Quigley, Michelle Bauer, Brinke Stevens).

AND THERE IS A POOL CLEANER. BUT BEFORE HE LEAVES HE NEEDS TO SHOWER, FOR HIS GIRLFRIEND.

HIS SHOWER LASTS A LONG TIME. I MEAN, MOST SHOWERS DO, BUT IN MOVIES THEY NORMALLY DON’T SHOW SO MUCH SHOWERING. I THINK IT WAS OVER 4 MINUTES OF SHOWERING SPLICED WITH THE WOMEN WALKING AROUND WITH COUGAR NOISES THROWN IN.

THEN HE GETS CHASED BY COUGAR SOUNDS. THE GIRLS EAT HIM. PRESUMABLY OFF CAMERA, AND SOMEHOW IT IS SUPPOSED TO MAKE THEM YOUNGER, BUT IT DOESN’T WORK.

SO THEY HIRE THREE NEW COLLEGE GUYS FOR THE SUMMER TO COOK, MASSAGE, AND CLEAN THEIR POOL. THEIR SEDUCTIONS COMES AT NIGHT, OR WHENEVER THESE GUYS SLEEP. THESE GUYS SLEEPING OF COURSE IN BOXER BRIEFS OR WHITEY TIGHTS ABOVE THE BLANKET. THESE SEDUCTION DREAMS MAKE THE GUYS FEEL ALL SUPER UNCOMFORTABLE, AND JUST LAY IN BED, GROANING, AND ROLLING AROUND. THIS ALSO LASTS FOR A LONG TIME.

OVER AND OVER. OH HEY ANOTHER SHOWER SCENE. OH HEY, SLEEP TIME SEDUCTION AGAIN. OH HEY, PLOT? WHAT PLOT?

EVENTUALLY THERE IS A REAL RITUAL, BUT THE “NERD” GUY STOPS THEM. HE PUTS THEIR LOCKET ON A FOREHEAD, AND THEY ALL DIE IN SMOKE OR SOMETHING. ALSO THEY CAN TURN IN TO COUGARS KIND OF.

THIS IS AN ACTUAL SCENE FROM THE MOVIE. THIS IS THE FULL EXTENT OF TURNING INTO A COUGAR.

Okay, I am done yelling.

Yes, it looks like I have been tricked into buying some sort of gay soft core porn. Soft core porn is of course the act of sex, but nothing shown below the belt. This has no sex in it, and nothing shown. Just a lot of guys showering, and having nightmares in their sleep. Then eventually running around in said underpants.

What!

I know what you are thinking. Is this movie so bad it is good? No it goes beyond that into the dark realms of badness. I think this was filmed in a day. The night scenes where they sleep are bright as shit from the sun.

But also roughly nothing happened in the 75 minutes. They filmed the women walking around, posing, with cougar noises, and maybe doing a small ritual. But that filmed scene was used four other times in the movie, identically, in the same order, spliced with guys showering or laying in bed. The women even changed clothes eventually, but they used the same scene, with strange music and cougar noises.

Fuck! These women are supposedly famous for being scream queens in the 70s/80s or something like that, but they do about nothing in the movie. They turn into cougars twice, it is unsure as to why they have these powers. It is vague how their immortality thing works.

I also learned after the fact that the 1313 part of the name comes from a series of films from the same director. All featuring men in underpants for long periods of time. Yet each one of them probably also has a suggestive title making you think it is not at all what the viewer would expect.

It was so bad, I won’t even recommend that you see it for yourself. Just take my word on it. Avoid the film! Avoid it!

0 out of 4.

Oh goodness, I am so close to being done with horror movies this season. I am pretty sure this is the last one, not counting random B movie slasher flicks that no one cares or knows about. Sure, The Collection just came out in theaters, but it isn’t showing anywhere near me, so it will be awhile.

But The Apparition? It didn’t come to theaters either. I only saw one preview for it, and it looked kind of cool, kind of supernatural. It intrigued me. Little did I know that there is a reason I only saw the preview once.

Why? Because hipsters. That is why.

Back in the 1970s, there was something called The Charles Experiment. They tried to summon the spirit of a Charles and I guess it worked. Many years later, a group of college students are attempting to do it again. But with MOAR technology and MOAR cameras. They are amping up their spiritual side a lot and hope to make the summon work! Well it works, and uhh, one of the people get sucked into the wall and presumably dies.

Some more years later, Ben (Sebastian Stan) is now living with his girlfriend Kelly (Ashley Greene) in a neighborhood with only like, one family neighbor. Rest are empty being built. Woo, being first.

Either way. Weird shit starts to happen. Ben finds out from his nerdy friend Patrick (Tom Felton, yes, Draco as a nerd) that they are all fucked. THey did the experiment again, because a dead friend ain’t nothing. This time, 4000 times as powerful instead of 400. Oh jeez.

Sometimes the movie cover is the ending of the film. I am looking at you, Quarantine.

Man, fuck this movie.

That is all I can really say without ranting.

There is about four or so characters in it, only two main ones, yet still there is no redeeming qualities about any of them. The trailer even sets up the movie to make it seem like something it is not. I don’t remember the One You Believe, You Die being a major part of the movie. Maybe because it was so bad. But also because the thing was fucking with shit long before they would believe in it, and trying to kill them.

Like the end of the trailer? Clearly it’s not working. All the lies man.

Remember when she yells “Get Out of My House?” Well, she doesn’t even yell that at the ghost, but her boyfriend. Because hey, he did supernatural shit, so why not make him leave the house, even though the ghost thing is in said house?

It is incredible how bad this whole movie is. So bad, that I am even a bit disappointed that I wasted my free rental on it. Mehhh. Meh.

0 out of 4.

No, the horror movies from October are not yet done. They are slowly falling through the cracks. I know at least one more I get to see next week, with another I know I never got to see. But that is future talk. Now talk should be reserved for The Possession, in all of its super shitty glory.

“Hey everything about you has changed little girl. Clothes, attitude, are you feeling sad? I am gonna assume nothing is wrong.”

Like every modern movie, the main parents in this one are divorced. Clyde (Jeffrey Dean Morgan) is a made up college basketball coach. You wouldn’t know it was a college coach unless you paid attention to the details, because it looked like he was just in a high school gym the whole time. His wife (Kyra Sedgwick) left him because he spent too much time working, and got to keep the house that he paid for by working, and main custody of the kids.

His children! Hannah (Madison Davenport) the older girl, who talks openly of their separation, and Em (Natasha Calis), a now vegetarian activist, who loves the world. Until they go to a garage sale to get plates for the dad’s new apartment! In the middle of no where! There Em buys a wooden box, because why not. Too bad Jewish Demons live in the box and want to kill everyone.

What? Yeah. Em begins talking to the box after she figures out how to open it. And it talks back. Despite the weird things happening, like changing her wardrobe, only being by the box, attacking kids, being slathered in insects, yelling, and what have you, people really can’t seem to put two and two together. Even creeping around in the kitchen eating raw meat and attacking her mom with glass isn’t really enough to drive the point home. They are like, oh okay, vacation time. Because the new boyfriend, a dentist (Grant Show) is such a great guy.

But eventually the dad gets it. He finds out it is a Jewish curse. So he finds some Jewish curse experts to help catch the demon. TOo bad the only one willing is a young gun, Tzadok (Matisyahu), and hopefully they can snatch the demon out of the girls body and trap her back. Or you know, have her spirit roam everywhere, from body to body. Either or.

Matis. Fucking. Yahu.

Alright, there were a lot of problems with the movie. Yes terrible acting, and unbelievable actions from everyone, but that is a given in the genre. Unfortunately most other things were bad too. Like the transition between scenes. After something bad happened, it tended to switch to the next day or a few hours later. But every time it was an instant change with a loud DONG or BOOM, can’t even remember the noise. They just used it more than five times, and it was just laughable at how awkward it sounded.

I am probably biased here, but there was a side story of another college interested in his talents for coaching basketball, even though he is like a Div 2 coach and doesn’t seem to do much with his team. They don’t give the name, but it is heavily implied to be UNC Chapel Hill, which is even more laughable that a school like that would show a vague interest like they do.

But from the start of the film to the end, it just seemed like they took only the worst ideas they could think of to form the narrative. It wasn’t scary, it was just awkward. Lots of awkward. Lawkwards.

There is no way this is not the worst horror movie of the Halloween season.

0 out of 4.

Entirely my fault, but as soon as I started to watch this movie, I was immediately disappointed.

I saw L!fe Happens in the RedBox, and was like, “HOLY SHIT THE GOOCH IS STARRING IN A MOVIE GO GO GO GO GOGOGOGOGOGOGO!”

Well it’s not The Gooch. It is just Krysten Ritter, who always reminds me of The Gooch. Except for when I started to watch Don’t Trust the Bitch in Apartment 23. I started that show because I thought it was Christina Ricci.

Basically, I have no idea who this fucking woman is.

The story begins with Deena (Kate Bosworth) and Kim (Ritter) really wanting to have sex. They are roomies, you see, and actually both brought a guy home! But they can’t find any damn condoms. Well, one, and Deena claims it. A year later, Kim has a child. Max, aww.

They also have a third roommate, Laura (Rachel Bilson) but she is a virgin and that’s all she brings to the table in the movie. I guess as a sort of opposite to the main two?

Anyways, the baby daddy (Rhys Coiro) doesn’t want to be a dad, so she is basically on her own. She pushes her baby on other people, like her dad, and roommates, because she still feels the need to party and feels like she deserves it. She also ends up falling for some Nicholas dude (Geoff Stults) and tells him the baby belongs to her roommate. That’s a good start to a relationship.

So now she is all lying it up, and constantly trying to make her friends help her out. They don’t like that, or the lies. Hey, Jason Biggs and Justin Kirk are also in this. Hooray~.

Um. Uhhh. Just hanging out ladies? That’s cool. Stop staring at me.

Turns out there is not much to say about this film. It was just terrible. Characters aren’t really likable, story is boring, there aren’t really any funny moments. It literally has nothing going on for it. So little that I can’t even make a good joke about it.

I mean. Fuck. Why would you do this to me, movie people? Such a boring lame movie? I trusted you, and you just poked me in the eye. Twice. The same eye. I mean, it is nice of them to not do one poke per eye, or else I’d be blind, but the second poke on an already poked eye is basically pointless.

Nevermind, if an eye poke was pointless, it probably wouldn’t actually be a poke, would it?

0 out of 4.

From what I heard, The Words was in production for awhile. Not a pet project by Bradley Cooper, but something he believed in and fought for with the directors to get made and produced. One of those maybe artsy things.

I think that is what happened. Don’t even feel like looking it up. I am just gonna be spreading facts as if they are true. Boo yah.

Hey look, love. Maybe. Or just walking. People can walk right?

The story begins with famous author Clay Hammond (Dennis Quaid) doing some section reading from his new book The Words. People love him, and so does some grad student chick Daniella (Olivia Wilde). Yeah, but that’s enough about that. We get to watch his story!

In which we have another writer, Rory Jansen (Cooper) who is struggling. He has good words, but not the best story for a first time author to get his name out into the world. So it sucks to suck. Sucks also for his dad (J.K. Simmons) who is tired of loaning him money, and his wife Dora (Zoe Saldana) who knows her husband can write good words, just can’t get a book deal.

So they decide to do what every NYC couple who is struggling to survive does. Take a honeymoon to Paris. Fuck the police! They even visit some Ernest Hemingway shop, for inspiration. Turns out Paris has some weird gift shops, without logos or names on them, just things. So Dora spends some of their barely any money on a satchel for her husband. Later, in America, Rory finds a compartment in it with a story! The most beautiful story he has ever read. Everything he felt about his own life displayed in words, and it was magnificent. He couldn’t stop thinking about the words. So he eventually killed his family.

Okay that is a lie. But he does type up the story just to have the feeling of what it is like to write those words. But his wife reads it, cries and stuff, and it is amazing. He can’t even tell her they aren’t his words! But he runs with it, and hey look, everyone loves him as a writer.

Except for an old man (Jeremy Irons). Who tells his own story about a young man (Ben Barnes) and his French lover (Nora Arnezeder) after World War 2. Who wrote a story and lost it. And how he is that man. In case you got lost, that would make that a story, in a story, in a story.

Then you know, potential backlash from this knowledge. But not really. Obviously Rory knew the story wasn’t his, just kind of got swept in it all. But now that he knows the real story, what will happen? But that is a book, so who cares, what about the author and grad student huh?
.

Fucking layers man. Stories and shit.

Did you follow all of that? Well good. Because that is like, 4/5 of the story. Yep.

Technically we don’t even get to see the amazing story everyone talks about. Unless it is just the old guys life as is, and not based on it. But whatever.

This movie is slow, and tries to build up to this big reveal, but you know what? Everything that happens is obvious real quickly in the movie. But they take an incredible slow time to go through it. The old guy telling his story after the War takes forever, and isn’t until the second half either. Yet he tells it as if it isn’t obviously a younger version of himself, for some reason.

Arggh. It was frustrating. Everything kind of felt pretentious. The acting wasn’t really bad, it just also didn’t matter. Get this pointless story out of my movie.

0 out of 4.