The Possession

No, the horror movies from October are not yet done. They are slowly falling through the cracks. I know at least one more I get to see next week, with another I know I never got to see. But that is future talk. Now talk should be reserved for The Possession, in all of its super shitty glory.

“Hey everything about you has changed little girl. Clothes, attitude, are you feeling sad? I am gonna assume nothing is wrong.”

Like every modern movie, the main parents in this one are divorced. Clyde (Jeffrey Dean Morgan) is a made up college basketball coach. You wouldn’t know it was a college coach unless you paid attention to the details, because it looked like he was just in a high school gym the whole time. His wife (Kyra Sedgwick) left him because he spent too much time working, and got to keep the house that he paid for by working, and main custody of the kids.

His children! Hannah (Madison Davenport) the older girl, who talks openly of their separation, and Em (Natasha Calis), a now vegetarian activist, who loves the world. Until they go to a garage sale to get plates for the dad’s new apartment! In the middle of no where! There Em buys a wooden box, because why not. Too bad Jewish Demons live in the box and want to kill everyone.

What? Yeah. Em begins talking to the box after she figures out how to open it. And it talks back. Despite the weird things happening, like changing her wardrobe, only being by the box, attacking kids, being slathered in insects, yelling, and what have you, people really can’t seem to put two and two together. Even creeping around in the kitchen eating raw meat and attacking her mom with glass isn’t really enough to drive the point home. They are like, oh okay, vacation time. Because the new boyfriend, a dentist (Grant Show) is such a great guy.

But eventually the dad gets it. He finds out it is a Jewish curse. So he finds some Jewish curse experts to help catch the demon. TOo bad the only one willing is a young gun, Tzadok (Matisyahu), and hopefully they can snatch the demon out of the girls body and trap her back. Or you know, have her spirit roam everywhere, from body to body. Either or.

Matis. Fucking. Yahu.

Alright, there were a lot of problems with the movie. Yes terrible acting, and unbelievable actions from everyone, but that is a given in the genre. Unfortunately most other things were bad too. Like the transition between scenes. After something bad happened, it tended to switch to the next day or a few hours later. But every time it was an instant change with a loud DONG or BOOM, can’t even remember the noise. They just used it more than five times, and it was just laughable at how awkward it sounded.

I am probably biased here, but there was a side story of another college interested in his talents for coaching basketball, even though he is like a Div 2 coach and doesn’t seem to do much with his team. They don’t give the name, but it is heavily implied to be UNC Chapel Hill, which is even more laughable that a school like that would show a vague interest like they do.

But from the start of the film to the end, it just seemed like they took only the worst ideas they could think of to form the narrative. It wasn’t scary, it was just awkward. Lots of awkward. Lawkwards.

There is no way this is not the worst horror movie of the Halloween season.