Tag: Usher

Clearly, it took me a long, long time to watch Killers. Like three years is forever in movie years.

But why? Well, the trailers made it look super un-interesting. So that is a downer. Second, it stars That guy who I only liked in One Movie. (But to be fair, I tend to dislike most of the cast of That ’70s Show in movies)

And it came out around the same time as Knight and Day, a “similar themed movie” which I loved. A lot. But I bought Killers anyways, knowing one day I would just have to suck it up and watch the dang movie.

There is nothing you can really do to make me look at him and think Action Star.

Spencer Aimes (Ashton Kutcher) is not your ordinary dream boat, apparently. No, he is some sort of spy/assassin, but he wants to get out of the game. Good timing really, because he is in Nice, France at the same time that Jen Kornfeldt (Katherine Heigl) is, along with her parents (Tom Selleck, Catherine O’Hara).

But he wants to give it up, and now seems like a good time. He also runs into Jen and they start to hit it off quickly, while both hiding some secrets. Oh well.

Good news, they hit it off, and three years later, they are living together and everything is fantastic! Except, maybe Spencer’s boss never really accepted his resignation? Maybe he still expects him to help out? For whatever reason, the boss contacts him in this trying moments, where Jen thinks he is getting bored with their relationship and cheating on him. Next thing you know, one of Spencer’s friends is trying to kill him.

What?? For some reason, a $20 million bounty has been placed on his head. Shit. Now all these assholes are coming around trying to get their kill money on, which means he for sure has to tell Jen about his past.

The rest of the cast is full of cameos, of their friends, and coworkers, some of which might be other assassins sent to kill Spencer, some of which might be just actual friends. Who knows?! They include Rob Riggle, Usher, Katheryn Winnick, Casey Wilson, Lisa Ann Walter and Kevin Sussman.

Nope. Gun doesn’t help either.

Good news, the plot wasn’t what ruined the movie!

No, the plot ended up being okay. Not knowing who from your friends and family might be assassins sent to collect on a bounty? Leaves for a lot of potential action and comedy, not to mention improvised weapons.

Katherine Heigl wasn’t bad in this movie either. She played her role well. I couldn’t believe Kutcher at all, but I made that obvious. Selleck was nice too.

What kind of killed it for me is how long it took to get to the assassins, friend or foe, oh god danger, part. I think it was about 45/50 minutes into the movie. That is far too long! What was going on before that? A bunch of gossip, some love stuff, typical romcom secretive bull crap. Yawn yawn.

Because the second half was actually a bit entertaining, minus the extreme miscast of Kutcher. Maybe he could have been in the first half, and then they could have secretly replaced him with Gerard Butler for the second half. A man who is getting put into romcoms, despite only being great at action and musicals.

Oh well. I think I only spent a few bucks on this movie anyways.

Scary Movie 5.

Fuck. I watched Scary Movie 4 before this, even though I swore it off after seeing Scary Movie 3. Fuck my need to be a completionist.

Fuckkkkk.

Basically, long story short, Scary Movie 5 is a parody of Mama more so than Paranormal Activity 4. So hey, that’s unexpected. The trailers didn’t really show any Mama scenes. But the other major movie “parodied” is Black Swan, with a scene from Inception, and an even shorter scene from Sinister. Hell, they even have the new Evil Dead in there, but it is obvious (if not by the timing alone) that it is based only on the trailer for Evil Dead, not the actual movie. Oh yeah, Rise of the Planet of the Apes too, because why not?

BUT AM I DONE? NO. Also Zero Dark Thirty, and The Help. THE HELP? WHAT? WHY? That doesn’t even remotely get near the topic of the title.

Okay, calm down self. You can’t freak out this early.

Either way, Jody (Ashley Tisdale) and Dan (Simon Rex) are able to find his brother’s missing kids in a cabin in the woods. They are all weird now, the oldest talks of some entity Mama that is helping them out. They get to stay in a kick ass home, with lots of surveillance, where paranormal things happen. Their housekeeper (Lidia Porto) is very religious of course. Dan is a scientist trying to make Apes smarter, and Jody wants to get back to her ballerina roots like her mother. So she tries out for Black Swan, and has a rival (Erica Ash).

I don’t want any celebrity who was apart of this to miss out on getting tagged, so here is a big list of people in this movie! Usher, Heather Locklear, Sarah Hyland, Jerry O’Connell, Terry Crews, Molly Shannon, Snoop Dogg/Lion, Charlie Sheen, Lindsay Lohan, Katrina Bowden, Katt Williams, Darrell Hammond, and Mike Tyson.

There is also a narrator, who sounds a lot like Morgan Freeman, but it is not Morgan Freeman, I repeat, it is not Morgan Freeman! They did it to make you think he was in the movie. It’s all a lie, so he shall not be tagged.

Yep. Taken from the trailer, clearly.

If you need a recap of where the Scary Movie franchise went wrong, see my review of A Haunted House. Yes, A Haunted House is a much better film than Scary Movie 5, no question about it.

It has only a couple of the scenes from the trailer actually in it, which is a pretty annoying habit that needs to die out. Instead of having an overall unifying plot, it feels instead like a bad sketch comedy show (given the over-exaggerated everything), with scenes that barely fit together just to include some pop culture references in it. But Scary Movie arguably only talks about 3 horrors, and fills the rest with a thriller, a suspense, and a movie about apes! That isn’t even appropriate for something called Scary Movie. Bad movie makes, bad!

I went in expecting bad things, and well, this time it came true. I think I heard giggles once in my theater, two days after it came out. I actually did laugh out loud once, and it was because of something the narrator said. But other than that, this film might have been better titled Silent Movie given the reaction from the audience.

Also, Usher isn’t in the IMDB credits yet, but he totally has a dance scene, so I wanted to draw extra attention to him.