Tag: Rob Schneider

Norm of the North? What in the flip is Norm of the North?

What? You didn’t hear about the Lionsgate animated film coming out mid January? What? Did you also not hear about Strange Magic last year around the same time, which ended up as my #2 Worst Movie of 2015?

Norm of the North has also not received many trailers or TV spots. It is the type of film they are releasing and not expecting much. And let’s not forget that the critic screening of the film is Thursday night, at a time when normal people can already pay money to see it. That is where you put movies you don’t really want the critics to ruin.

But maybe they do expect something out of it. After all, two sequels have already been announced. The sequels are only planning to be 45 minutes long and straight to DVD, but they are still planned!

Here is the real question I wonder though: The Nut Job 2 was also scheduled to be released on the same day, but it has apparently moved its date. However no one out there knows where it was eventually pushed. It has disappeared off the map. Did Norm of the North somehow eat it?

He is looking kind of chunky.

So, we have a polar bear named Norm (Rob Schneider. And now you know what you are working with here). Lives in the arctic. And he can speak Human. We learn this when he tells a seal his life story about why he cannot eat the seal because he is a terrible hunter and doesn’t do polar bear things anymore. Just humans. He in particular likes to dance, of course. He calls it the Arctic Shake. Remember that. That will be important later.

The only other animal who could speak Human was his grandfather (Colm Meaney), the king of the Arctic, but he has disappeared. Speaking of shenanigans, there is a house suddenly on the ice! Fully furnished and ready to be lived in. Apparently it is a model home and some group is shooting a commercial, hoping to sell homes to get people to move to the Arctic. It is an untapped reservoir luxury gold mine. Or something.

Norm tries to get them to flee but only helps them make a good commercial. The owner, Mr. Greene (Ken Jeong) just wants to rip people off. He also has the idea to use an actor to dress up like a polar bear to sell their idea to the world. Of course Norm sneaks to NYC to become that actor and put a stop to everything. But he also feels bad for the PR lady, Vera (Heather Graham) who just wants to get her daughter (Maya Kay) into a good school.

Time to Arctic Shake his way into America’s hearts and stop the Ice take over from happening.

Also featuring the voice work of Bill Nighy, Loretta Devine, Gabriel Iglesias, and Michael McElhatton.

And these little fucks.

Oh where do we begin. Sure, the lemmings. That is what those tiny things are, and three of them join Norm on the adventure. They are apparently indestructible and can do anything, making them a perfect plot device to solve any and all problems. Except for tense moments near the end when characters decide to not use them to untie them for some reason. Oh and they are vulgar too. They pee a lot on things and fart and burp and teehee. They are going for the fucking Minion market and it is despicable.

The plot is paper thin. Points move too fast without a lot of explanation. For some reason none of the animals will believe Norm about the house, despite it being a physical thing anyone can go to, and a lot of witnesses (The Lemmings) and a respected community member. They just laugh at him…for some reason. And in the conclusion, despite none of these same animals going on the journey, they totally believe everything because The Lemmings say so, which is totally contradictory to how they behaved earlier. There is no sense to any of it.

Part of the plot involves getting America to like him shown by some fancy real time approval ratings graph that everyone can just access about things. And after going on a talk show, says one thing, he dances, dances in the street, and everyone loves him. Yay resolution! Well done bear. It is ruining Shut Up And Dance for me now.

The animation was poor and blocky. A final storm scene was almost painful to look at. The Coca Cola polar bear commercials have better overall quality to them

I can’t find any real pictures from them in NYC, just promo art.
But at the same time, look at that background bear and see how terrible it all is.

The director had his button on a fade out button and used it constantly to go between scenes. I was going to vaguely describe an example of it being used improperly, but it hurt my head trying to describe the scene.

I kid you not, my four year old step daughter turned to me twice during the movie and told me this was a bad movie. She didn’t laugh at all. I laughed at a joke that could be misconstrued as a pedophile joke. It also had a decently offensive gay joke, to throw the whole thing more under the bus.

I don’t feel like I am done. There was a love interest. But I didn’t even link her above because she had all of three lines throughout the film and ended up being not important, despite literally marrying her at the end. The final plan of the bad Mr. Greene, which he kept secret, was simply recording Norm talk and changing his words around. And after that happened, Norm basically gave up. “Oh ho, they heard me say something else now. Nothing I can do about it!”

Just. Fuck. This was bad.

How many movies does Adam Sandler do in a year? Usually one right? Maybe two?

Well this year, he stars in three different movies. The Cobbler, Pixels, and now The Ridiculous 6. Sure he is getting older, but those private yachts aren’t going to pay for themselves. And as he does more and more films, he gains more and more friends to have to support on his army of yachts.

This film is a Netflix original movie. Last year he signed a four film deal with the company, and so it will be awhile before his films are released theatrically again.

And uhh. I guess this is Adam Sandler’s take on a western, with a name similar to those other western and samurai movies.

There are rag tag groups and there are shit groups. This group is worse than the later.

White Knife (Sandler) grew up never really knowing his father or his mother. But he is half Native America, despite looking white. And yes, her is freakishly good at using knives. Name explained, boom.

Then one day, an old guy comes to town. Frank Stockburn (Nick Nolte), a famous bank robber who was notorious throughout the land. Turns out that is his real daddy. But he needs help. Members of his former gang are going to kill him, unless he pays back money that was stolen from there. The gang is now lead by Cicero (Danny Trejo), and they are ruthless. Frank lies to them about the location, so that White Knife aka Tommy can get the money and put it in the spot before the bad guys get there. Then, after saving his dad’s life, he can enjoy some of that sweet ass quality time he has been hoping for. So he will run off and do that, before he gets married to Smoking Fox (Julia Jones).

Along the way, Tommy finds out that his dad really did get around, by meeting several half brothers. There is Ramon (Rob Schneider), half Mexican with a burro. There is Lil’ Pete (Taylor Lautner), who is half retarded and well. Yeah. Herm (Jorge Garcia) is half…Mongolian or something. He speaks gibberish. There is also Chico (Terry Crews), half Black and a piano player! And finally, Danny (Luke Wilson) who is half an alcoholic and half an American traitor.

Remember when I said Sandler had friends? Yeah, a ton of them are in this movie.

Chris Parnell. Blake Shelton. Harvey Keitel. John Turturro. Jon Lovitz. Nick Swardson. Saginaw Grant. Steve Buscemi. Steve Zahn. Vanilla Ice. And Will Forte!

Lautner’s tooth gap is played by Steve Carell!

I almost forgot to mention the controversy! You know, where Native American extras walked off the set because they found the humor to be racist and demeaning. One would say that isn’t good publicity, but of course we know there is no such thing as bad PR.

In fact, Netflix can only gain from a raunchy Sandler film. No one will cancel their account because it exists, but they will get more international audiences who love the shit out of him still. Win for them, no matter how terrible a film is.

But in all honesty, this film isn’t even super terrible. No, it is really fucking…slightly below average. Sandler’s character is a bit boring, which is true for a lot of his things lately. He is just playing an every guy, who happens to be good at knives I guess. The only reason to watch the film is for the rest of the 5 brothers.

Taylor Lautner playing what amounts of Simple Jack? Fantastic. He was the best part of Grown Ups 2 and one of the best parts of this one as well. I have been know to enjoy Schneider, and I think his performance is one of his better ones lately (again, not saying a lot). Garcia and Crews felt a bit underused, especially Garcia. His character didn’t even make sense.

But really, the movie has bottom of the barrel. I only laughed occasionally, the twists were obvious, and it was just far too long. It looks like they really did try to make a good western parody, but you know. Poop jokes. Under using actors. Some racism. You know what you are getting going into the film, I suspect.

I still refuse to read what most movies are about before watching them (Unless its super obvious like, Batman. Kind of hard to not know what Batman is.), yet somehow I am still surprised when a movie is not at all like how I thought it would be.

Case in point #3000, Wild Cherry. Look at that cover!

Okay, this is about either a woman’s football league. Or a woman joining a male football team. And Rob Schneider looks like a coach. Comedy, moving on!

Now if I actually studied the cover, I’d notice the 69 on the Shirt. Ah, must be a teen thing. The dark haired chick clearly looks fake. And wait, Rob Schneider is a dad, not a coach. Oh damn it, this a teen sex comedy.

Tania Raymonde, from LOST, plays the starlet, and she is a senior in high school. Not only has she never had sex, but she has never even masturbated. For shame. But she is going to have sex soon! If her dad would leave.

But wait. Her friends (Kristin Cavallari and Rumer Willis), while making a documentary about people’s first time, discovered a story about “the book”. The book is a pledge thing for the guys on the football team. They believe they cannot win the big game at the end of the year, unless they are all not virgins and take away someone elses virginity. The names are assigned to them (I think? Or randomly picked?) and thei job is to tap that, before the final game.

Err alright. So the girls find out, and think that is horrible. So they play some pranks on the guys and try to make the other girls not have sex with anyone at the same time.

Do I have to explain this picture?

Soo, yeah, that is the movie in the nutshell. She also plans to move to Paris after high school to live with her aunt, and there is a side story of her dad not wanting her to leave home. But the book didn’t even make sense to me. I couldn’t tell what the big game was for, or how they somehow had one of those every year. Plotholes. Didn’t seem like a “important rivalry game” either.

Most of it wasn’t that funny. I had no idea why Tia Carrere (Wayne’s World) was in here. She was some sort of teacher, that also was a sex freak? Not sure what she was teaching.

Apparently some people call this American Pie for girls. I just call it dumb.

You know what would make Grown Ups better? More SNL cast members. I don’t think they got enough of them.

Just kidding. That was the opposite of the truth. With at least 8 people who are (or used to be) SNL cast members (could be more? I am not an SNL addict), it helped the movie seem like a “old friends get back together” type event anyways.

Some people weren’t invited to the reunion though.

Alright, the movie is about a group of old friends from a smaller town. When they were younger, they won a basketball championship. Now? Their old coach is dead, so they are celebrating his life with a reunion for the weekend.

We have Adam Sandler, now rich, married to Salma Hayek. Kevin James, now fat, married to Maria Bello. Chris Rock, now a housedad, married to Maya Rudolph. All three of them have two kids each. Rob Schneider is on his third (or fourth?) marriage, and has 3 kids (two of which are babes). And last, David Spade, all alone and a bachelor.

OKAY GOT IT ALL? GOOD.

Anyways. Throughout the weekend they try and relive their childhood. They try and get their kids used to the outdoors. They try and fix each others problems, as they haven’t seen each other for a long time.

By the end, the kids are outside more. Their lives are fixed by each other. They are bigger friends. And their wives still don’t hate them. That is more or less the plot. Mostly just a bunch of random events and activities, where these now grown ups get to try and relive their childhood memories, and joke on each other the whole time.

I mean. Parts were okay? I thought it had a couple decent moments. But they obviously tried to make it too family friendly and just felt muzzled. I think Schnieder was badly cast as “weird spiritual vegan dude”, and Spade as a bachelor felt very child predatorish. He is the creepiest single man alive, and I would even compare that to myself.

No one else (outside of Bello and Schnieder)) probably had to do much acting. I think most of it was them just acting like they probably normally would act. So I thought that was kind of lame. Just everything seeming more or less normal. Oh well! I think we can all agree though that Rob should try going back to red hair, am I right?

Badly pixelated for your protection.

So yeah. Nothing really special about this movie. Just a subpar comedy.