Tag: Planes

Alright, let’s pretend for an instant that I can give this movie any fair chance. You know it, I know it, I really can’t. I gave the Planes the most zero of zeroes I could give it. It was a strange review, in which I just went over all the scummy ways this movie was released, turned from straight to DVD bullshit to a cash cow thanks to advertisements.

But I digress. After I saw the movie, I realized it was still a 0 and deserved my scorn.

Now we have the sequel. Planes: Fire & Rescue. This should have less bullshit qualities, technically. The third film hasn’t been officially announced, but let’s assume next year too since they can churn these out pretty quickly.

Unfortunately, no other animated movies appear to be coming out soon, so this one will make decent box office as well. Hell, two weeks before it came out it probably already broke even with toys alone.

The sequel with mostly new characters instead of the old ones for obvious reasons.

Set sometime after the events of the first POS, Dusty Crophopper (Dane Cook) is now a big star. He is winning more races, people like him, and everything is going well. But during a routine manuver, something goes wrong! His gearbox is worn down, and he has to keep the vague torque dial below the red zone or else his engine will stop and he will die. [Note. I think they said his torque could go up to 140, but the dial showed 65. The “doctor” said 80% was his max, which was definitely not “112 Torque”.]

What does that mean? That means Dusty can’t race. His dreams that he spent forever getting in the last movie, literally changing out almost every plane part (including a gear box I bet), to do it, are now ruined. So he sulks off like a little bitch, and a fire happens due to his shitty gear box. This is almost a disaster, but it is solved. Too bad the fire inspector deems the fire truck as inept and old, so they shut down their run way. This is bad news when their corn fest (?) is in one week and expecting a big turn out thanks to Dusty.

So Dusty does what he has to do, I guess. He goes to get certified as a fire fighter. This causes him to go to totally not Yellowstone park, to train under Blade Ranger (Ed Harris) and his crew. A girl plane Lil’ Dipper (Julie Bowen), who as the only real female character in the movie is a stalker to Dusty, an older helicopter Windlifter (Wes Studi), who is an incredibly racist caricature of a Naive American, and a bunch of tiny Honka looking bulldozers meant to sell toys.

Anyways, days of training and other bullshit happen. The “plot” comes from the fact that some luxury car (John Michael Higgins) opened up a new lodge in the area and is a dick. Nothing he does makes a lot of sense, but he is our cheap villain/not a villain character. After several days of bullshit training, like a week, CAN DUSTY SAVE THE DAY WHEN FIRE HAPPENS?

A few other voices I recognized included Curtis Armstrong, Hal Holbrook, Jerry Stiller, and Fred Willard.

Just. Just Fuck.

Just a kids movie. World building. Continuity. Bullshit.

I think that is the four ways I’d break down this analysis.

“But it’s just a kids movie!” I don’t know how much I have talked about that before, but that is one of the dummbest things anyone can say. Saying it is just a kids movie, or just a summer flick, is literally like being that kid on the playground who said his made up fighter character had a magical invisible cape that would reflect spells last minute. Bitch, everyone knows that is lie, and does not protect you. Just like a movie being geared towards kids. How can we even say that anymore when we have had dozens of nice “kids” movies that everyone can enjoy and get things out of over the last decade? It literally should have killed that excuse, yet somehow it goes on.

It is the reason we get low budget, cheap CGI, rushed crap, just to sell toys. If you forgot, Planes was last minute pulled from straight-to-DVD status and given a new guy to do the main voice and that was it. This was being made before that even happened. Cheap. Shit. Saying just a kids movies just lets them keep producing this filth.

This movie only creates more problems with the world building of this cars/planes universe crap that they are building. We already knew it was Earth. Sure. This is definitely set in America, with references to California and other states. It is very awkward. They, however, amplified the cars aspect of it all with all the animals being cars as well. In particular, John Deere equipment roamed the forests. What? The fuck?

But that isn’t it. I have talked before how it is all odd that 1) clearly they are made entities and cannot breed out more cars/planes, or 2) are made by other preexisting cars/planes in a factory or something. But the faulty gear box amps it up. The driving factor of the plot. Why not replace it like everything else? Because of course, that gear box is out of production and there is literally nothing they can do. The mechanics can’t fix it because it is complicated and needs factory precision.

So in their world, they have cars/planes making cars/planes parts somehow, and they can stop them knowing full well they are potentially killing hundreds/thousands who rely on that part? That is pretty damn fucked up.

Why do they even need a few people to put out forest fires? I can’t imagine forests having a huge need in a planet without humans. They should just let the mother burn.

Re: rushed project/CGI. There were many fire scenes. All of them were terribly ugly.

In terms of continuity, it is the simple basics they just didn’t care about. Early on we find out that the corn festival is in one week. He then spends almost a whole week in the fire training camp. Then? Then after events, he is knocked out for five days. After that? Yay time for the corn festival. How many fucking days are in a week again?

These minor things add up, showing that the people who wrote it were just pulling shit out of a hat and animating it. Coherence is for suckers. Didn’t Dusty have a girlfriend? She wasn’t in this movie at all.

Bullshit. So much bullshit. The film starts off saying it is dedicating the movie to all the firefighters out there. Aka the people who aren’t in the movie at all, and instead all of the emphasis is placed on their equipment not the men who drive the vehicles. At one point, Dusty worries about going into a cave because they might suffocate. Shit, planes need oxygen now?

The characters are all stereotypes. Including the terrible Windlifter. The plot is taken from 80s action movies without any of the fear. The only issue is his gear box, of which he keeps a secret despite it clearly affecting him quite often. Once it does get brought up, he is told to just get over it. Then he gets over it. Moral? You might have a failing heart, but fuck it, just ignore it.

I watched this movie in a packed theater. The only times the audience laughed in a big unit was during the two fart jokes. Everything else? A few giggles, but mostly silence.

Just think. A third movie is definitely happening. Maybe in the third one, Dusty will get bored of racing and decide he wants to be a frog next?

Do not go see the movie Planes.

Fuck Planes

This won’t be a typical movie review, thus the use of quotation marks in the title. Normally I do a little bit of research about a film before I watch it, just so I can lay down some fun facts in these reviews. But what I discovered about Planes I found to be so unacceptable, I didn’t feel right telling everyone about it. But first, a little bit of back story.

For the main poster and Trailer for Planes, we see that it takes place “From Above the World of Cars.” Remember Cars?

Cars came out originally in 2006 as a Pixar movie. I linked to my original review of it, but if you are lazy, basically I describe how the movie is bad morally for children. In Cars, your job in life is based solely on what car type you are. The only exception is if you want to live below your means.

Cars 2 came out five years after that, also made by Pixar. This time they changed the main character and turned it into a strange Bond parody. More importantly, we should look at the villains. The main villains for Cars 2 are lemons, aka cars that were built badly and break down all the time. These cars only wanted more equality, but instead they are the butt of everyone’s joke.

This is all even more twisted when you realize that these cars were all created somehow. These cars age and live a life, so presumably more and more cars are created every day. These lemon cars in particular were created with the sole purpose of being lesser quality than their peers. Yeah, I’d be pissed off too.

No matter how you look at it, Cars 2 was a cash grab movie, made almost solely to sell merchandise.

So now, only two years after Cars 2, we are given Planes. One notable difference (that few people realize) is that this movie is no longer done by Pixar, but instead just Disney. You might be thinking, “Hey! Disney CGI isn’t that bad, they just did Wreck-It Ralph! This one might be awesome too!”

Yes. I too am a plane.

Well, Wreck-It Ralph was done by Walt Disney Animation Studios, their normal big movie company. Planes was done by DisneyToon Studios, who are most known for making the lame sequels to popular Disney movies. You know, Cinderella II: Dreams May Come, Cinderella III: A Twist In Time, Pocahontas II: Journey To A New World, and more. The last time they had a theatrical release was in 2006, with Bambi II, and that was only in theaters in Europe. Their last five movies that went direct to video were all based around Tinkerbell.

So why were they given Planes? Well it turns out, Planes originally was going to also be a direct to video release. However, Disney liked the animation enough to let them have a theater release. Great. Since Planes was meant to be direct to video release, it almost implies that they didn’t put a lot of work into it.

The budget for Planes was only $20 Million. To put that into perspective, Cars had a budget around $120 Million, and Cars 2 around $200 million. Turbo ended up at $135 million, and Wreck-It Ralph was at $165 million. CGI animated films are very expensive to make because the technology is expensive and they take years to produce. With a budget that low, either the film was rushed, or the CGI quality is low.I believe the evidence point towards both of these facts being true, since production of Planes didn’t begin until a few months after Cars 2 came out and was originally coming out Spring 2013.

If you want more evidence, they have already announced that Planes will be a trilogy. The first sequel has already been named, Planes: Fire & Rescue. The sequel also already has a release date set for July 18, 2014. Next summer! Less than a year after the first film, I can only assume that it is being rushed out.

To recap, in great detail I have explained why the Planes movie is just a huge cash grab. It has a low budget indicating lesser quality animation and less time spent for polishing/developing. It happens to be a spin-off of another cash grab movie. It is made by a studio who is only known for their low quality sequels to all of our favorite Disney movies. It is also banking on the fact that most people who see it will assume Pixar made the movie.

Unfortunately, by now, Disney has already profited on this film. Why? The same reason Cars 2 has made so much money. Merchandising. With a budget that low, they don’t have to care about quality when the merchandising alone is just pure profit.

So I plead with you, do the right thing, and do not go see this movie in theaters. Do not buy it on DVD or Blu-Ray. Don’t buy any of its toys for your families or friends. Disney should be punished for trying to pull this type of crap on us, making almost a mockery of the entire idea of movies as an art form.

Something something something planes.

Just to keep this legitimate, here is a quick synopsis and review.

Dusty (Dane Cook) is a crop duster from the midwest, who dreams of being a great racer, and joining the race around the world. Unfortunately, he is afraid of heights, which totally makes sense. Well, he qualifies barely and makes it to the race around the world! But certain other planes don’t like him, because he isn’t a racing plane. So with a little bit of can do spirit, he hopes to prove everyone wrong, and he can succeed despite being created for one purpose!

Also featuring the voice talents of Brad Garrett, Teri Hatcher, John Cleese, Cedric the Entertainer, and more.

I’d say that this movie did a good job of breaking the morals given to us by the Car movies. After all, it is a plane doing something beyond its design and achieving greatness. But in the film, in order for him to achieve his dream, he literally has to change everything about himself first. It really brings up the philosophy question dealing with the Ship of Theseus. Can we really say a crop duster has won a race, if he removed his crop dusting ability and replaced all of his parts?

The movie itself offers nothing new. It is incredibly inaccurate in terms of geography, despite making it clear that it takes place on some strange human-less earth. There are plot holes that a jet could fit through. They even showed scenes of planes during World War II, which accidentally makes this film incredibly dark. Is this really a world where planes go to war with other planes, and hundreds of machines die? Well, I guess it makes it more human-like in that regard.

Now remember, please do not support this movie.