Tag: Brant Daugherty

Fifty Shades Freed

With Fifty Shades Freed coming out, it makes it the second trilogy to end in 2018 already, and it is only halfway through February! The other one was of course Maze Runner: The Death Cure, which was also complete shit.

I don’t know a lot about the point of this trilogy, but looking at the ad spots online, on youtube, on Hulu, the one thing I realized is that whatever the plot was, they certainly did not want to show it to the viewer. They just wanted us to see people being rich, doing some sexy stuff, and being rich. Rich, sex, rich.

Maybe that is the main point of the movie? Maybe they expect the plot to just maintain “oh, their relationship!” and it be an okay story overall.

edding
Is the wedding the climax, or just the beginning?

The movie begins with the saying of I do from our leads (Which is answers that question). After all, he proposed at the end of the second film, we don’t need to see them planning for it and all that shit. Let’s just see Anastasia become Anastasia Grey (Dakota Johnson) and Christian (Jamie Dornan) stays the same. Which is one of those plots about the movie, him staying the same.

Now we can watch them traveling the world, honeymooning, sexing, being rich. You know. But some guy goes and steals some data from Grey’s company, cutting it short! Oh snap! Now we have some man, or some lady, trying to do bad things to them, and he has “no idea at all why!”. Security is beefed up and some things are a little bit less sexy.

But don’t worry, we still have time to deal with other issues. Like how they never even talked about when they would want kids or if they wanted kids at all. Perfect thing to do post marriage. On that note, that weird ex mistress of his that taught him all of his kinks? You’d think that would be important, but in this movie, it is basically just dealt with in a single scene and ignored the whole way through after it. Yay!

These people are in this movie: Brant Daughtery, Bruce Altman, Eloise Mumford, Eric Johnson, Hiro Kanagawa, Kristen Alter, Luke Grimes, Marcia Gay Harden, Max Martini, and Rita Ora.

SmallBoat
Will the SeaDoo scene be the new boat scene from the previous film?

This film is shit, and everyone knows it is shit. The people who put it out know it is shit. The reason the plot is hard to tell is because there is no discernible plot in the whole movie. Bad plot reasons for man to be bugging them. Characters act stupid and don’t understand what is being told to them, and intentionally characters put off obviously important information until it is too late. We have a couple who still doesn’t make sense together, who just get really kinky around each other I guess. Whatever happens never really looks like love.

We have a main character male who is emotionally and physically abusive at times, yes still in this movie. We have a cartoon bad guy. We have a scene where someone gets slapped twice and kicked in the stomach causing a short term coma, some how.

The infamous boat scene was recreated almost with a house they go to in Colorado. Watching the car go up the driveway, we then see several angles around the house, switch switch switch. It is still full of romantic (maybe? hard to tell when it all sounds the same) pop music, to fill any sort of space they might have for character growth.

And just in case you forgot the other films, near the end, we get to see a long montage of the first two movies, of their romance scenes and travels. Yes, we still see that damn boat again in this film. They did it just to troll me.

And then at some point the movie ends, without resolving one of the major plot issues their relationship had with his ex mistress lady he couldn’t ever stop confiding in. Hooray!

0 out of 4.

The Starving Games

Jason Friedberg and Aaron Seltzer.

Know them. Hate them. Do whatever you want. I am happy to say I have only reviewed one of the movies they have directed on this website, Vampires Suck. No, not just directed, but written too. Most of the bad terrible “Movie” films of the last few years have been them.

And now, I am willingly of sound mind going to watch another. The Starving Games. Let’s say I did it honor of Mockingjay Part 1 coming out a week ago, and a reminder that things could always be worse.

Gangam
This was an already dated reference when this movie came out.

Basic movie parody right here. Have you seen The Hunger Games? Well, that is really all you need to get this one.

But this one stars Kantmiss Evershot (Maiara Walsh), and that name alone makes me want to stop the movie immediately. She likes Dale (Brant Daugherty), but Peter Malarky (Cody Christian) likes her. And then she has to go to the Hunger Games.

And man, I really cannot talk about this movie really. It is the same plot as The Hunger Games, but worse in every aspect. Well, except it does feature a ton less shaky camera action, so I guess it has that going for it.

Diedrich Bader plays Present Snowballs (this guy was literally in Atlas Shrugged Part II, not that the later is high quality film or anything), Dean J. West as the games runner guy, Lauren Bowles as Effoff, Ross Wyngaarden as Marco, the best fighter, and Chris Marroy as not Stanley Tucci.

Avatar
At this point, Avatar was already a four year old joke/reference.

Watching these movies is really a will power battle on how long you can go before turning it off, falling asleep, or wandering around your house cleaning because “holyshitanythingisbetterthanthismovie!”

I paid attention to the whole thing, because by golly, you guys trust me. For whatever reason, all of these types of movies have been cheap to make and make lots of money. But not this one, it made like, no money! It bombed! It might mean that these things are finally ready to be done! Maybe! I hope?

Nah. It will never go away. Like Two and a Half Men or Jenny McCarthy.

The references go beyond Hunger Games of course. But does any of it matter? No. This is the type of film that makes me wonder if becoming an existentialist is a good idea. But then I would know the only reason these films existed was due to my own self, and not someone else’s fault.

Yes this movie is worse than Scary Movie 5, yes it is unfunny, and yes, Netflix should feel bad for having it on its servers.

0 out of 4.