Tag: Nikolaj Coster-Waldau

Greenland. Green. Land. Greeeeenland.

A country with a lot of mystery, because honestly, they don’t have an army and don’t affect the world in any other way that makes us look at them. That isn’t a bad thing. Just somewhat of a truth. People hear about Greenland mostly when we hear about melting ice sheets and similar topics and that is bad.

Enter Nikolaj Coster-Waldau. You may know him as Jaime Lannister from Game of Thrones. You may know him from Black Hawk Down, you may even know him from Wimbledon!

He has a history with this country, but also knows little about it. His dad worked here in the 1980’s away from their home in Denmark, and his wife (Nukâka) is a Greenlander, also an actress and a former Miss Greenland. So he has been to the country, he has met with her family and friends, but he hasn’t really experienced all of what the country has to offer.

So in this five part mini-series, that is what Nikolaj is going to do. Experience the shit out of Greenland. He wants to go Through Greenland, which yes, is the name of the thing.

Regardless of content, it is a bitchin’ graphic to open the show.

At five episodes with around 45 minutes an episode, there is a lot of Nikolaj to go around. It is spread over a longer period of time of course, with various people he knows acting as camera men and guides along the way. He is visiting towns and communities, both small and really small. A military base! Schools! And places far from the communities as well. The ice sheets to spend the night, to go on a long arduous hunting trip and more.

Nikolaj has always cared about climate change and so it is clear another reason for this series is to focus on the changes that are affecting Greenland that are notable to the residents, who can attest to the melts.

And if you want your content to be in Danish, then I have good news for you. This is a lot more Danish than I expected. It started out misleading, since the first thing he did was go to an American military base, but after that it goes a lot out of the window. I can’t tell you if it is mostly in Danish or Greenlandic, but maybe our host knows the latter and thus naturally can communicate anywhere on the island.

This small docu-series is not going to change the world. But it does offer some insight to a country that is often ignored for its human population. When we speak of Greenland, we speak of ice and emptiness, and ignore that it has its own communities, customs, and ways of life. So it is good that something is putting a stamp on it.

It features Nikolaj going the whole Greenland experience, I don’t recall him saying no to anything really. And it really shows those details which might be a curse or a blessing. I feel at times we spend a lot longer on a scene than necessary, or conversation. As a viewer, you may wonder if they didn’t want to do too much editing? That becomes the problem. If they edited it down, then we wouldn’t see the real country. But then they’d also need more content to fill five episodes. I hope the goal was to showcase the country and then give it the episodes they felt represented their footage, and make it a goal specifically to just pad it to five episodes.

Oh well. Two-Handed Jamie Lannister does manly and impressive things in nature with friends. That is what most people might take away from this.

As a ancient history major, I also love me some good mythology. The stories people used to tell are just as important as what those people actually did. They tell us so much about the culture, how they thought, what they valued, and how they were raised.

Gods of Egypt looks to not celebrate any of this and just go for an expensive CGI fest to tell a bastardized version of the mythology. Now, I have no problem with a movie making up its own stories from actual mythology. After all, if I don’t judge a film based on the book that inspired it, I should also be able to ignore the “real mythology” as well.

It is however quite well known from anyone who sees the trailers that barely any part of this movie is real. Just the actors, and honestly, probably barely at that. It was however one of the first of many new films to film in Australia. It had a budget of 140 million, but apparently thanks to tax incentives and many other offers from the Australian government, it only cost the studio overall 10 million to make. That means they will see profit. Maybe not in week 1, maybe not week 2, but by golly, at least by the DVD sales.

In honor of this film, here is an image that is 100% CGI.

Way back in the day, way back. Pre-Greek stuff. Egypt was a rocking country, parties day and night all down the nile. And Osiris (Bruce Spence), God King of Egypt, was about to pass the kingship on to his son, Horus (Nikolaj Coster-Waldau), God of the Air. But Set (Gerard Butler), God of the Desert and War and brother of Osiris, showed up a bit pissed off. He wants the crown, so he kills Osiris in front of everyone. He then challenges Horus to a duel, uses a few cheap tricks to win and secure his kingyness. He also pulls out Horus’ eyes, making Horus blind and unable to use most of his powers.

Now, a year or so later, Set is a very bad king. He is starting wars, he has reduced most of the population to slaves, and has changed the way the afterlife works! Under Osiris’ rule, you had to give a token after death to pass into the after life, big or small, it didn’t matter. Set made it so that only he very wealthy could pass on to the after life. Quite a dick.

Which brings us to Bek (Brenton Thwaites) and Zaya (Courtney Eaton), two poor mortals, now slaves, in love. Bek is a quick and nimble thief, Zaya is just smoking hot, but they make it work. Zaya even convinces Bek to break into Set’s palace to steal Horus’ eyes back. She loves the gods and want Horus to make a come back to rule the world. Bek does what Zaya says.

Needless to say, an eye is stolen, Horus gains some vision back, but Zaya is killed in the ordeal. Horus promises to bring Zaya back from the dead if he can get the eye and defeat Set, as long as this spry mortal continues to help him on the quest. But they have a time limit. Zaya is now walking the path of the dead, and if she gets to the end with no gold, her life will be lost forever.

Also featuring Chadwick Boseman as Ttoth, God of Wisdom, Geoffrey Rush as Ra, God of the Sun, and Elodie Yung as Hathor, God of Love. Also Goran D. Kleut as Anubis, Emma Booth as Memphis, Lindsay Farris as the narrator, and minor-ish roles by Rufus Sewell, Yaya Deng and Abbey Lee.

Look! Real people! Or at least I think these are real people!

First I would like to tackle the white washing controversy. A big deal is made about Butler and Coster-Waldau being white people and playing Egyptian gods. Because Egyptians aren’t that white. And that is true, but they are playing Gods, that tower over the regular Egyptian people as completely separate entities. They could all be blue, as it is all completely fictional and irrelevant. Besides, it is a film that is no way historically accurate and based completely on fiction.

They should be mad that Thwaites is super damn white, because he plays an Egyptian unlike most of the cast. None of this controversy affected my rating.

Instead, what affected the rating was the overly bloated film, the over use of CGI, the terrible plot, and the mediocre acting.

My wife asked me how long the movie was, and I guessed that it surely must be only around 90 minutes or so given the trailers. But no, it is 127 minutes long, full of side plots and side characters with barely any resolution being worth your while. Thwaites is playing our mortal lead, who is spunky and surprises all the Gods who think this mortal man is beneath them. He is there to be for the audience to root for, but his character is incredibly one dimensional. His charm is pathetic and most of the audience by the end probably just want to see him get punched in the face.

The main “plot” of the film involves Horus and Bek going on a journey to extinguish the flames of the desert to weaken Set’s power, so he can be defeated. Needless to say, things don’t go as planned, due to character stupidity, and they have to wing it all at the last minute to save the day instead. This is lazy writing. Twists and turns can and should exist in your story, but throwing away what everyone worked towards for bad reasons is only infuriating.

In fact, by the end, none of Set’s motivations make any sense. He wants to be immortal and to live forever. Somehow he will achieve that by ending all life as we know it. Go and figure that one out.

It is like a very CGI heavy Lord Zedd costume.

Anubis was in this movie! He was also the only God to be in his animal-esque form 100% of the time. For whatever reason, the other Gods (only Set/Horus) just change into their animal form when they feel like it, and everyone else is always human looking. So for Anubis they were just lazy I guess, and definitely inconsistent with how every other God acted.

And finally, the CGI. I can’t imagine any scene set on a real stage or outside. Even the desert scenes seemed to be completely CGI. Why the hell are you going to a desert country and not using its many resources? Oh yeah, tax breaks. The animation is bright, flashy, and ends up looking quite shitty most of the time. I enjoyed the giant snakes, if anything. Part of the craziness around Ra was also well done, but everything else is below quality.

Fun fact: Two of the women that Mad Max and Furiosa freed in Fury Road have parts in this movie.

The Other Woman?

Huh? Didn’t I review this movie already? A few years ago in 2009 starring Natalie Portman. Oh sorry, that was called The Other Woman, not…wait, okay yeah, same title. I guess that one was a drama.

Apparently it is a popular title though, because there was also The Other Woman from 2008, The Other Woman from 1995, and The Other Woman from 1992. Damn, a lot of ladies being cheated on by women up in here. To compare, I only see one other movie called The Other Man, which I also reviewed. I guess that just means men are pigs, and women rarely cheat in a relationship?

“There’s the gu- GET HIM!!!!”

Carly Whitten (Cameron Diaz) is a high powered lawyer. But don’t worry, her job isn’t at all relevant to the film. She starts seeing Mark King (Nikolaj Coster-Waldau), it is great. They are exclusive, she doesn’t want to sleep around, she finds no faults.

Until she finds out he has (record screech) a wife! Kate (Leslie Mann) is… well a house wife. No job because he pays for it all, doing business stuff, and no kids. Just boredom. So she doesn’t have many friends that her own either. So once the cat is out of the bag and they figure it out, she turns to Carly to rant and to scheme.

THEN THEY FIND OUT HE HAS ANOTHER LADY! Amber (Kate Upton), a young, dumb, blonde.

Hell, there might even be a fourth. No spoilers.

But the three find each other and decide they can want to get even and ruin him. After all, the three of them combined means they might be able to get that one man. Err.

Also starring Taylor Kinney as the brother of the wife, because why not, and Nicki Minaj as a receptionist, because they hate us.

Here are your heroes. Walking. Being women.

First of all, I think this movie was designed to fail Bechdel Test for the entire length of a movie. I don’t think there is a scene that doesn’t involve women talking about men. That’s the whole movie.

Second of all, fuck Nikki Minaj being in this movie. Her role is pointless, it was a role that could have gone to anyone, and her nasally talking voice doesn’t help. Related? Kate Upton’s role in this film is also basically pointless. Literally, could have been no one, because she had barely any lines, despite being in half the movie.

Third, the ending was terrible. Their plan was…really simple. There was no intrigue to it. It happened. The guy got owned. And then the movie basically ended. A lot of build up to the moment without a lot of payoff.

So, why the rating?

Leslie Fucking Mann. She was hilarious in this movie. Cameron Diaz was meh. Somehow Leslie Mann though was off the chart and saved this movie from being a shit show. I am shocked as you. I never expected that I would praise her role in a movie, but there you go.

Very basic story, rent it on Red Box eventually for Leslie Mann.

Not going to lie. I was not at all interested in seeing Oblivion this week. Unfortunately I have taken to following other reviewers, although I hate knowing what other people think of a movie before I see it. But they all hated it. I disliked the preview. Everything looked pretty darn obvious to me from them. I also disliked just how many previews I had to see of it, without ever changing. I also disliked that the main characters name was Jack, but I will get into that later. But finally the title. When I first heard about it, I assumed it was some movie about the video game. Nope. Future and aliens.

That’s a lot of bad things to go against movie. You unfortunately have a biased, uphill battle to climb!

Thankfully they put quite a bit of money into the graphics department. Oooh, my eyes are happy.

It is about 60 years in the future. An alien race called scavengers came down and fucked up all of our shit. Turns out humans are stubborn and won’t just let our stuff get messed up, even if they took out our moon (causing earthquakes and tidal waves), so we nuked the fuck out of them. Hooray! We won! Small packs of scavengers roam the landscape, but they totally lost overall. Too bad the Earth is basically a barren wasteland at this point. Areas of high radiation, lot of dead. So the humans evacuated, and GTFO first to a big space station in the sky, then on ships en route to Titan, a moon of Saturn.

Only two people are left on the world, Jack (Tom Cruise) and Victoria (Andrea Riseborough). Jack is a tech guy, repairing drones that cover their perimeter and protect them from scavengers. Once the plants suck up the last of the sea water (which can be used for energy later?), they can return to the space station, and head off to Titan in two weeks! Woo!

Too bad those fucking scavengers keep messing up their shit and make their last two weeks hell. Not to mention an old space ship crash lands on Earth, with the drones attacking the human survivors, including a woman (Olga Kurylenko) who has been haunting his dreams! What in the hell is going on!?

Also featuring Morgan Freeman and Nikolaj Coster-Waldau as mysterious humans, and Melissa Leo as their space communications rep.

The internet is making wild claims that Morgan is barely in this movie, only 15 minutes max. Psha, I clocked him in at about 19.

Well, fuck me. I found Oblivion entertaining.

Yep, despite the negativity and the huge climb, I walked out happy, nay, excited. I had to quickly talk about it with others who saw it, about the ending, the twists and turns.

You see, it is pretty dang obvious from the trailer that certain things will happen. They are obvious twists in the movie that won’t come to be a surprise at all. That is what I thought the film would give me, and I was ready to be bored. But you know what Oblivion did? Sure, it might have had those “twists”. But the twists came in unexpected ways and then layered on more turns that I was not expecting after that.

Too many twists can ruin a movie, because then you just get tired of it all, and refuse to pay attention until the end. Like Trespass. The barren Earth they created is also hauntingly gorgeous, just like the CGI as well. I generally don’t like Tom Cruise as much when he is in his serious action roles, like this, but I didn’t mind this one.

The acting was okay, the plot overall could have been better, and I might have disliked the last scene in the end, but overall, pretty interesting.

If I actually went in with an open mind, it might have been a 2, but this is what exceeding expectations does to ratings!

Good news everyone! I am now officially willing to watch horror movies. Do I still cringe like a little girl when I see them? Yes. But I can usually control my outer composer enough to make it through without tears.

With that said, most horrors I will probably find scary, so it might not be too strong of a statement when I say that Mama was the scariest movie I have seen this year. Especially since in these few weeks I have only seen one horror movie.

Right off the bat, this movie is a world of NOPE.

Mama begins during the financial crisis of a few years ago. It really put the hurt on certain families, driving their bread winners to suicidal behavior. In this case, the father has just killed his wife and kidnapped his two daughters, speeding away on icy roads. Well, he crashes, because that is what icy roads do. Luckily, they all survive and they are able to find an abandoned cabin in the woods. The oldest daughter Victoria (Megan Charpentier) can talk, but has broken her glasses, and the youngest daughter, Lilly (Isabelle Nelisse) is still a toddler.

But a mysterious super natural force decides that the father is a deadbeat, kills him, and looks after the kids. Five years later, their uncle Lucas (Nikolaj Coster-Waldau) finally finds them and they are all sorts of messed up. After some time with a therapist (Daniel Kash), they are released into his care with his girlfriend, Annabel (Jessica Chastain), in a sweet new house so they can study their behavior.

Surely the evil spirit will be happy to see the kids in loving real hands, right?

Bonus points to this movie for not parading Jessica in only revealing clothing.

As expected, yes, I found this movie scary. Guillermo del Toro was the executive producer, and you can really see his influence on the movie. For the most part, the camera work was top notch for setting up the scenes and making the whole movie seem eerily beautiful.

I loved the “cold open” of the movie, jumping straight into the action, but also letting full opening credits come in a bit later.

Most horrors have a problem where they lose a bit of the fear when they actually show a clear view of the monster, and unfortunately for Mama this is still true. In fact, if I wasn’t so afraid, I would probably find her a bit comical in nature.

It is also interesting to see Jessica Chastain in a movie like this, where she plays a dark haired slacker who doesn’t know how to raise kids, when her normal roles involve over achievers and perfectionists.

Finally, I loved the ending of the movie. The final scenes were set up so nicely and it had me guessing until the end. The plot didn’t entirely make sense to me, but I don’t think they cared at that point of the movie. I also doubt there will be any sequels to this franchise, which is a bonus is my mind.