Tag: Martin Short

I was excited to watch Inherent Vice, because the internet told me to be excited about Inherent Vice. It was some sleek 1970s-esque drama/mystery, complete with Private Eye and missing people. It had a sexy poster and a lot of famous people in it.

I honestly didn’t see too much advertising outside of the internet, but it was also by a well respected director. Paul Thomas Anderson has made quite a few good films, all of them well acted, very well loved.

So despite it taking me, I dunno, two or so months after it first started coming out to theaters, I have finally gotten around to seeing it!

And then, uh, I saw it and left quite disappointed.

I am probably just a prude like this lady here.

Here is what I pieced together.

Larry “Doc” Sportello (Joaquin Phoenix) is a private investigator, a man with sideburns, and someone who loves women, drugs, and other hippie behavior. His ex lady Shasta Fay Hepworth (Katherine Waterston) is now sleeping with a real estate mogul Michael Z. Wolfmann (Eric Roberts). His wife doesn’t like the affair and might be planning something drastic.

Also, unrelated, Tariq Khalil (Michael Kenneth Williams) wants Doc to find his friend, a member of an Aryan gang. The man who also is a bodyguard of Mr. Wolfmann. Oh man. The plot thickens.

Either way, these two inquiries lead Doc on a strange and drug fueled path, featuring death, framing, cunnilingus, sex, more drugs, and more drugs again. Also featuring Hong Chau, Owen Wilson, Reese Witherspoon, Martin Short, Josh Brolin, Maya Rudolph and Benicio Del Toro.

My face when I found out the side burns had their own place in the credits.

I think the main point of Inherent Vice is to tell a decade appropriate story with a decade appropriate amount of drugs and hazy memory. The story feels disjointed because of how messed up the characters actually are. I’d say it is like an unreliable narrator, but I am not even sure who the narrator was, just a woman.

And I hated it. I don’t care how accurate the experience is, it just makes me feel uncomfortable. Which again, is probably the point. But these are feelings I don’t want to feel, the feelings of confusion.

The set is fine. The acting is fine. The music is good. But the story I found impossible to get into. For the most part it just felt like two characters talking to each other and uhh then the next scene. I like dramas, I like talking, I just could do absolutely nothing with this one.

Studio Ghibli has made a lot of movies and most people would consider them to be a big deal. More importantly, their main director Hayao Miyazaki has created some of the best, most financially successful and well known anime movies to come out of Japan!

I have only seen a handful of their movies and only reviewed one before (The Secret World of Arrietty), so I am not an expert on the subject. But since it is the internet, expertness is just a click away.

Either way, The Wind Rises is now most known for being Miyazaki’s final film, finally ready to retire. This was released barely last year in 2013 for like a week to make the Academy Awards and then released for real barely in February. Needless to say, this is another one that took forever to see. But I guess they have no rush since it totally didn’t win Best Animated Picture. Sucks to not go out on a high note, Miyazaki.

Which is probably why he made a movie about objects that go so high.

“Wait a minute,” you might be stating quite boringly. “Does that tag on the bottom of the page after the review is over say Biography? This is an animated movie!” Why yes, person who reads the tags before the review. This is a pseudo biography of Jiro Horikoshi (Joseph Gordon-Levitt), an airplane engineer for Japan who designed some sweet planes before World War II. Yes, the war where Japan used planes to fuck up parts of America.

It starts with tiny Jiro who wants to one day be a fighter pilot. But with his poor vision, he realizes he would never be allowed to fly one. That is when he does research on plane manufacturers and begins to dream about Giovanni Battista Caproni (Stanley Tucci), an world renowned plane designer who tells him that making the planes is far more exciting than flying them. That planes should be beautiful creations and not war machines. He tells him that and oh so much more.

Well, with hard work and perseverance, Jiro becomes kind of awesome at planes and engineering. He gets accepted into a top program in the field and meets his sarcastic and always joyful friend Honjo (John Krasinski). He eventually gets a job with Mitsubishi where is boss Kurokawa (Martin Short) is a strict tiny man, but one who knows Jiro has what it takes.

Oh, Jiro was also involved in the Great Kanto Earthquake of 1923. That is where he meets young Nahoko (Emily Blunt) who, wouldn’t you guess it, has some effect on him later in life too?

Other famous people are Mae Whitman who voices his younger sister, and William H. Macy, who is surely someone important because it is William H. Macy voicing them.

“Less pew pew pew and more zoom zoom zoom!” – Paraphrased movie quote

Given the majority of Miyazaki’s work dealing with fantasy and the bizarre, it is quite odd to find a movie that is set so firmly in reality. I mean, a biography? Set in Japan? The only strange things that really happen in the movie are when Jiro is dreaming, where anything goes anyways. I can’t tell you how factual the film is, but it seems to paint a realistic picture of society and of Jiro. Even the smaller details I appreciated, such as Jiro and Honjo smoking. A lot. Many smokes were had in designing and school, and they didn’t ignore that just because kids might watch it like Disney did with Saving Mr. Banks. He didn’t whitewash history despite Japan’s tendencies to do that (especially from that time period).

As always, the animation is also absolutely beautiful and showcases how great these types of films can be without CGI. Fucking talent right here.

It tells a story about love and reaching your goals, but I do feel like parts of the film tend to drag. I also decided as an experiment to watch it dubbed with the same English subtitles, because sometimes there are big differences. For the most part it kept with the same theme, but there was one scene where it mentioned someone had a kid in the subtitles and completely ignored it in the English dub version. There might have been more stark differences that I missed, but holy crap, did they get rid of a kid in the dubbed version? That’s like animation murder.

It is a fine movie on its own right, but The Wind Rises was clearly not the best animated movie of last year. It is a fine send off for an established director and I tip my fedora in his honor.

Fuck this movie. Just, get it out of the way. During The Nut Job I predicted Legends of Oz: Dorothy’s Return would end up being the second worst animated movie of 2014. I was wrong. At this point, I don’t see how there could be anything worst than this trash of a film throughout the rest of the year. No way. No way at all.

It was so many levels of shitty, I don’t think I can properly spend time explaining it all, so I made a short play to try and explain it all.

Here are most of the characters. Not of the play, but of the shitstorm movie.

Executive 1: Alright, we need a sure fire hit for the company. We got about $70 million in budget, and we want to cover ALL demographics. We want the nostalgia, we want the kids, we want songs, we want jokes, we want it all.

Executive 2: We gotta get that Glee girl involved. She is relatively free with the dead boyfriend news being almost a year old now.

E1: Yeah, get her to be the lead!

E2: How bout we do another Wizard of Oz movie? That one last year was pretty well received, and they didn’t try at all!

E1: Brilliant! Who doesn’t love the Scarecrow and Tin Man and Lion! We can make a sequel. Bring everyone back!

E2: But sir! We are out of villains! All the witches are dead!

E1: Shit, we can’t just have them having fun and going on an adventure. We need excitement!

E2: Well, we could get Ralph, our idea man…

E1: Ralph? That man is a wild card, shit, just saying his name three times tends to get him involved.

(Just then, Ralph busts in the boardroom door, pen and paper in his hands).

RtWC: FUCK THIS! WILD CARDS DON’T NEED TO WAIT THREE TIMES! HERE IS OUR MOVIE.

BOOM. FIRST OFF, DOROTHY’S HOUSE GOT FUCKED UP BY A TORNADO. LET’S MAKE THE VILLAIN BE AN APPRAISER WHO KICKS HER OUT OF THE HOUSE. ALSO, LET’S CHANGE THE LOOK OF HER AUNT AND UNCLE. HER AUNT HAS TO BE YOUNGER, HER UNCLE NOW BALDER. IT WILL WORK.

E1: Yeah people probably won’t remember the look of the outside non Oz characters.

RtWC: ALRIGHT. LET’S GET HER BACK TO OZ. WE NEED TO UP THE NOSTALGIA. FIRST THING WE SEE ARE HER FRIENDS, ALL FREAKY AFTER THEIR NEW BRAIN HEART AND SHIT. ALSO, FLYING MONKEYS. WE NEED MORE OF THEM.

LET’S SAY THE WITCH HAD A BROTHER. BUT HE IS A JESTER, BECAUSE THE WITCH IS A BITCH. HE IS EVIL NOW BECAUSE OF THIS STUFF. WHY NOT. HE IS ALSO OUR COMIC RELIEF. FUCKING JESTERS.

ANYWAYS, SOMETHING WILL GO WRONG, DOROTHY WILL HAVE TO MEET NEW PEOPLE.

LIKE A FAT OWL THAT CAN’T FLY AND IS SMART. AND A MAN MADE OUT OF MARSHMELLOWS. A PORCELAIN DOLL. THEY HAD THOSE LAST MOVIE, LET’S DO MORE OF THEM.

E2: Is the Jester going to have a stupid death like the witch?

RtWC: I DON’T KNOW, LET’S NOT WORRY ABOUT THE END TIL WE START FILMING. HERE ARE SOME PLOT POINTS. ANGRY APPLE TREES? BRING THEM BACK, BUT THIS TIME LET ONE OF THEM KILL HIMSELF FOR DOROTHY.

THEY ARE GONNA TREAT HER LIKE ROYALTY EVERYWHERE SHE GOES. IN FACT, LET THE FACT THAT SHE IS DOROTHY SOLVE 95% OF HER PROBLEMS! THE PORCELAIN DOLL? LET’S HAVE A TIME WHERE SHE BREAKS APART AND EVERYONE THINKS SHE IS DEAD.

E1: Now now, looking into your other notes, I see have written down here that the doll breaks a bunch of porcelain suitors, who then go on talking and living lives, just need to be glued back together to walk again. Why would anyone think she is dead?

RtWC: BECAUSE WE WILL INEXPLICABLY MAKE HER NOT TALK AND JUST LIE THERE POST CRACK, DESPITE HAVING HER WHOLE HEAD GOOD WHICH SHOULD IMMEDIATELY ALLOW HER TO DISPEL ANY OF THOSE THOUGHTS.

E2: Are any of these new friends going to serve a purpose to her journey?

RtWC: ARE YOU KIDDING ME? THAT’S JUST FOR MORE MERCHANDISING! I WANT POINTLESS CHARACTERS AND TIE-INS. I WANT FAKE DRAMATICS. I WANT EVERYTHING TO HAVE AN EASY SOLUTION AND THERE BE NO REAL THREAT TO OUR CHARACTERS.

LISTEN, ALL WE NEED IS AT LEAST ONE REALLY BIG NAME, SAY PATRICK STEWART OR MARTIN SHORT. THEN WE CAN FILL SIDE CHARACTERS WITH OLDER, NOT AS FAMOUS PEOPLE. LIKE DAN AYKROYD, JAMES BELUSHI, KELSEY GRAMMER, OLIVER PLATT AND HUGH DANCY. THEN GET SOME “FRESH FACES,” LIKE BERNADETTE PETERS AND MEGAN HILTY. WE MAKE THEM SING AND DANCE, AND CAN DO IT ALL FOR PROBABLY $20 MIL WITH OUR ANIMATION QUALITY.

E1: Hey, we have $70 million on the table! Where would the other $50 million go?

(The three men look at each other, smile, and agree to greenlight the movie).

Anyways, that was probably terrible. But it was still more entertaining than this trash. I didn’t even begin to touch what didn’t make sense with this movie. Just. Fuck.

Sure, months after Halloween, and heck, near Christmas. How dare I review Frankenweenie now! Clearly I should have reviewed it around the same time as ParaNorman or Hotel Transylvania. But jokes on you, I just didn’t want to see it and pay more than $5 for it. Nope, cheap theater or Red Box.

In case you didn’t know, this movie is technically a remake. No, not of Frankenstein. But of Frankenweenie, a 30 minute film Mr. Burton did in the 1980s. I saw it before, was weird, but hey, it had Daniel Stern in it, also weird.

But yeah, no real interest in seeing a Frankenstein parody, set in black in white, and Burton-ified.

Oh yeah, original film was live action black and white. And come on, Stern, what the hell? >

Victor Frankenstein (Charlie Tahan) loves his dog Sparky, more than anything. He uses him to make cool home videos involving giant dogs saving the city from monsters. But he is like, the only friend he has. No sports or anything. His parents (Martin Short, Catherine O’Hara) wish he would branch out, play sports, but he keeps to himself and his dog. Yep, science and movies only.

Either way, dog gets dead. Sad times are had, and Victor is lonely. However, learning some crazy science stuff from his teacher Mr. Rzykruski (Martin Landau), that electricity and muscles can still do things post death, he gets the great idea. Yes, maybe, maybe, he can provide enough electricity to actually bring Sparky back to life.

But a dead animal coming back to life? That is not something your average citizen will be able to accept, or understand. But when all the kids in his class start to learn about it, and assume he is going to present Sparky to the science fair, they decide to try and recreate the experiment on their own. Hmm. Winona Ryder also voices the neighbor girl, who is also weird.

SOON.

Then something else happened. I found myself entertained, basically the whole movie. Sure, at the beginning, I might have just been waiting for the dog to die. Sounds bad, but we all knew it was going to happen. They could have maybe sped that up. But it allowed them to introduce us to the other kids, why he doesn’t have friends, and Mr. Whiskers up there. Turned out the wait made the ending a bit better too. Good things comes to those who wait, and shit.

Burton also SLATHERED the movie, yes SLATHERED, with classic horror film and literary references. Gags set up just to get the point across. I actually figured it would be cheesy, but I enjoyed seeing them play out, and getting references to other monsters, like the mummy, a vampire, swamp thing/gremlins, godzilla, and werewolves. All of these things get featured, and in ways you might not have expected.

The ending I think should have been different, you know, to get the point across a bit better. But I guess if it was entirely like Frankenstein, I would have just been pissed off.

Yay science!

Ooh whats that, Madagascar 3: Europe’s Most Wanted? I legitamately didn’t think I would go see that movie. “But you see all the movies!” Yes I know. But this one required word. I hadn’t seen Madagascar 1 or 2, so going straight to three would be silly right? Right! That is why I have a brief rundown of the other movies.

So just like I had to do with Spy Kids 4…I watched the first two over a few days, just so I could see the third in theater. I actually didn’t like the first one either, but thought the second one was much better, despite the dumb title. (They leave Madagascar and Escape to Africa…Because Madagascar totally isn’t a part of Africa).

Yes, this scene in the trailer is the real and only reason I wanted to see this movie.

For those not familiar, we have Alex (Ben Stiller) a lion, Marty (Chris Rock) a zebra, Melman (David Schwimmer) a hypochondriac giraffe, and Gloria (Jada Pinkett Smith) a hippo. They escaped from the NYC zoo, thanks to Marty running away, found themselves in Madagascar. They want to go back though. So thanks to the team of penguins, lead by Skipper (Tom McGrath) they made plane back for NYC!

But landed in Africa, to start movie 2. They also brought Julien (Sacha Baron Cohen), king of the lemurs and his cohorts. They get to experience true freedom and wild, but don’t like it. The hippo and giraffe get married. The lion meets his parents, and saves the day. And an annoying subplot with an old lady.

But they finally get to leave for NYC! Or Monte Carlo, in Europe, the third movie, because that is where the penguins went with a vast fortune to gamble and party. Their simple plan of get the penguins/monkeys and fly a plane doesn’t work. As animal control gets involved, one Captain Chantel DuBois (Frances McDormand), who really really wants to kill a lion, makes it her goal to capture the animals and kill the lion. Fuck. But thankfully they escape on a train, for Rome, posing as circus animals.

There they meet Vitaly (Bryan Cranston) a russian tiger who jumps through hoops, Gia (Jessica Chastain) a female leopard who wants to trapeze, and Stefano (Martin Short) an italian seal who wants to be blasted out of a cannon. Yep. So their new plan is to travel with this failing circus, hopefully sign a deal to tour america, and return to their NYC Zoo to live out the rest of their days in happiness. Err..

And here is why I will probably not watch this ever again.

This movie is pretty polarizing for me. Liked a lot, hated about the same amount. Gah. The lemur? He was generally funny. Always seemed drunk and singing, but his relationship with bear wasn’t as funny. They used a plot point where they eventually are found out to be zoo animals, not circus animals, causing the entire circus to turn on them and not care. Despite the fact that they just helped plan and pull off the most kick ass circus thing ever. “You lied to us, you guys suck now, despite your clear talents that we just enjoyed!”

Similarly, the message is kind of weird. Err, so animals belong in shitty zoos, with like zero space? Most zoos aren’t like that now. But to have that be the overarching goal, leave the wild, leave the circus, and go to a ZOO. Yeah. Especially weird that their two options come down to zoo or circus, clearly both the best place for animals. Hmm.

I didn’t like the seal, or the animal control lady. She had a team rocket feel to her, blasting off, and coming back. And even though returning the lion home, still trying to kill him. What in the fuck? If she is fine killing a zoo animal, she could do that at home, and I don’t understand the obsession.

But the jokes were pretty good, a lot of pop culture references, a lot of Katy Perry and great visuals for the animals doing circus thing. I am disappointed that this movie also felt the need to throw in “I Like To Move It”. Come on, there is man more obscure 90s songs that need love too.

Why hello Spiderwick Chronicles. Good news, there are zero spiders in this movie! Which was my biggest worry. All I knew this was some fantasy kids movie, based off some book series no one has heard about.

Maybe because it only comes in giant hardback, with old pages and is bound by a spell?

The story involves Mary-Louise Parker and her 3 children moving into an old house in the woods, thanks to divorce! It used to belong their great aunt, but she is in crazyland now. The twins are played by Freddie Highmore, who was Charlie in Charlie and the Chocolate Factory. One of the twins was all rawr Divorce and angry, the other is a smart pacifist. Anyways, rambuctions twin discovers a book of fairies.

Now, for some reason, if this book about fairies (made by Spiderwick. They are his Chronicles) gets taken by Goblins, everyone will die. Some plot points were awkward. Like them trying to destroy the book, instead of Goblins. I mean, what? A great book of knowledge, and they just wanted to end it?

Nick Nolte plays the Ogre shape shifter king of the Goblins dude, while voices are provided by Seth Rogen (a hobgoblin) and Martin Short (I dunno? A House Elf or something?). Seth Rogen just likes voice acting now, with Monsters vs Aliens and Paul.

So overall, the story was interesting though. Of course no idea how it is to the books, but who cares? The CGI seemed to only be creature based, which is nice. I liked the look of the goblins. Kinda cute in a rawrawrawrgnashgnash kind of way.

“You must pay the troll’s toll if you want to get into this boy’s soul!”