Tag: Beyonce Knowles

Epic

I was very excited when I first saw the trailer for Epic. The music is perfect, not a lot is spoiled, it looks beautiful, and looks like a great new franchise.

You know what I don’t like? The title. You know how hard it is to look up things about Epic? Don’t just search the title, you will get dumb internet images. “Epic Movie” is out, because of a bad movie having that exact same name. I had to resort to searching for “Epic <character/actor name” to get anything close to finding suitable images or posts. Come on people, think about the ease of finding your movie before you name it. Unfortunately, it was also made by Blue Sky Productions, who haven’t really made anything I really loved, their last effort being Ice Age 4: Continental Drift.

Birds
Just look at how sexy those birds are. Mmmmhmm.

This movie begins with death! Death before the film takes place (this is a PG movie). MK (Amanda Seyfried) is en route to her fathers house in the middle of the woods. She is almost 18, but her mother just died, and so she has to go live with her dad, who is basically a stranger to her. You see, Professor Bomba (Jason Sudeikis) believes there is a hidden ecosystem in these woods, hidden from human eyes. They react on a faster plane, like flies, so humans can’t really see them because they are always moving so…fast. Yeah, he went crazy and his wife left him. Happens all the time.

But holy tiny men, Bomba is right! In fact, it is a special day, the Summer Solstice on the same night as the Full Moon! Time for the Queen (Beyonce Knowles) to pick a new heir for the next 100 years. After all, only the queen can restore life to the forest if the evil Mandrake (Christoph Waltz) of the Boggarts (swamp/decay creatures) come to mess things up.

The leaf men won’t let that happen! Ronin (Colin Farrell) has sworn to protect her, but young Nod (Josh Hutcherson) is making things difficult by quitting. After some bad things happen, MK finds herself in the woods and magically gets shrunk down to their size. Now she is in the middle of a forest civil war, with the threat of 100 years of swamps on the horizon.

Of course, this could all be some sort of PTSD after her mom’s death for all we know. Chris O’Dowd and Aziz Ansari play a snail and slug, respectfully, Pitbull a frog, and Steven Tyler a glowworm.

Slug
“No shell over here baby, I’m a slug” – Aziz. Possibly my new favorite line ever, and I don’t know why.

Epic is loosely based on the children’s book (that no one has heard of), The Leaf Men and the Brave Good Bugs. Basically, it took the character ideas, and made an original story. The plot itself isn’t the most exciting or original, and was filled with certain plot holes that made me shutter.

But it’s pretty, though.

One of my biggest complaints is inconsistencies in a movie. In this case, what is the real difference between a tiny human, a plant/animal human hybrid, and an actual plant or animal.

It’d be simple if all animals and plants could talk and be human-like in this movie, but we have frogs and snails that can talk perfectly, living out their lives and jobs, right next to birds who are just 100% animal, no voice. We have flowers that are just flowers, right next to some flowers that run around, gossip, and have arms and legs. Where is the balance? How does this work?

With the leaf men, they aren’t leaves at all. They are basically tiny humans, with just leaf armor as clothing. Nothing else in the forest outside of the queen appears to be a tiny human, so I found it all confusing.

But it’s pretty, though.

Epic ended up being just an average film, not living up to its (poor) title. If you ignore how confusing the world ends up being, it is a cute tale that is outrageously incredible to look at.

“Hey, it’s a kids movie, stop thinking so deeply about the world!”. No, that is a bad excuse, and leads to movies like Cars 2.

2 out of 4

Obsessed

I have a question, America. (Yes, I assume no foreign countries read this. Outside of that one German person). Whats up with Beyonce? Why does America like her so much? She wasn’t even my favorite Destiny’s Child member, but she got this big solo career, where her singles seem to be hit or miss from me. Never do I think a song is just okay, either hate or like. Not the best track record in my book.

But as someone who majors in Movie watching, and minors in Music Video watching, maybe I am just upset that she won Music Video of the year with that one shitty video.

Kanye West
This intro was just to make sure Kanye, if he was a reader, stopped reading out of disgust.

Obsessed tells a simple tale that seems to be more popular nowadays. No longer is there just simple tales of sexual harassment. But there are lots of examples in media of the woman making it all up, just to ruin a “highly successful” business man. Possibly even having the woman threatening to tell their wife they had sex, UNLESS they actually have sex (used in both Horrible Bosses and King Of The Hill). It is a believable concept, just because “Bitches be crazy yo“.

But also just probably the man keeping the woman down. I dunno.

ANYWAYS! Idris Elba is some successful business man. He married his now wife, Beyonce, who used to be his secretary. They have a kid! Since then he hasn’t had another woman secretary. Unfortunately, due to colds, a temp is brought in to eventually be his secretary, played by Ali Larter. Right away, you know she is crazy. She wants her some Idris. You just can’t tell if she is doing it on purpose, or actually thinks the lies she tells are truthful.

As an omnipotent viewer, we see everything that happens, and know what is the truth though. So there is no mystery for us. Just the characters. Jerry O’Connell plays “guy at work who Idris tells his side too early on who believes him thankfully”. Obviously Idris makes mistakes that the viewer sees from miles away, but they still make it believable enough so that you think he is trying to just do what is right.

Lartner plays a good job of obsessed/crazy woman, and Elba does a good job of “shit what the fuck is going on with you woman?”. Beyonce? Eh, not as good. Seems like her role was pointless until the end, and I am sure someone else could have done a better job of “Don’t you lay another FINGER on my man” angry woman.

Moo
Although that face is a nice start.

I feel as though letting us see the whole film through everyone’s point of view, instead of just Elba’s or just Beyonce’s makes it lose its appeal. There is no guessing for the viewer. They know Larter is lying and crazy, and they assume Beyonce will eventually realize it. Although an interesting story, we must realize that most people wouldn’t lie about sexual harassment though. So it is a serious thing.

2 out of 4.