Fast & Furious

If you didn’t know, each one of these movies does have a different title. This one has no “The” or “The” making it the 4th movie in the franchise. Only reason I went back to watch this one was because because Fast Five was coming out soon, and I want to see that one, while also making sure I don’t get confused with the plots.

Fast & Furious
Afterall, these movies are known for their hard hitting material and for making you think.

I might have missed something at the beginning, but does Vin Diesel kill the trucker in his first heist attempt of the movie? That’s horrible. I can’t feel good about Vin Diesel doing that cool car stuff, if some trucker doing his job gets killed because of it. What the hell, morals! [I have been told that the trucker may have jumped out of his truck. But he would have jumped out from a very fast moving truck, into a rocky/desert like ground. More than likely he died just from that as well, and not the resulting tumbling 18 wheeler of fiery doom. Still. Bad Morals, Vin.]

This movie tried to have more plot in it than 1/2. Not so much about street racing and thievery racing, but more about the FBI! And Mexico! And drug smuggling! And stopping the mentioned things (using street racing). If I can say anything, it is that this movie is definitely better than 2 Fast 2 Furious. That sucked. Not sure if it is is good as 1 and 3 though.

What probably lessened the enjoyment for me was the two underground tunnel racing/driving scenes. All that does to the situation is make it a lot more dangerous for them, but confusing for me. If they are pretty much in a tunnel, that I don’t know the route and map for, then I can’t anticipate, and I have to assume they are just driving fast in a straight line. Open world racing, much more exciting. Paul Walker was pretty much the same in this movie as he was in one. Working for the Man, and hating Vin Diesel.

Tunnel Race
The races were so bad, it is impossible to find a good picture of them, because no one cares.

2 out of 4.

The International

So, as expected, this movie was not for me at all. It was way too….European. Maybe international is a better choice of words? You know what I mean. Those action Thrillers, that generally take place in Europe. but not just Europe. All over. Have a scene in Italy, in Germany, gotta keep moving. You know how this is. This movie also featured a Trip to Istanbul and NYC, so at least it is more than Europe?

Europe
I never noticed how sexual Europe looked. That explains everything.

The director is the same dude who did Run Lola Run (European!) and that is a fantastic movie. It could be described as kind of metaphysical. This is no where on the same vein or style of it. Clive Owen seemed out of place, but that just may be his tallness. Naomi Watts didn’t do anything for me.

I also found this pretty hard to follow. Maybe because I don’t understand banking shit that well. I did follow it enough to know the ending is bleak and pissed me off. I also just find it weird to describe what happens. Interpol agent Owens thinks an international Bank is assassinating people. He wants to take them down. Conspiracies. Whatever. No one likes vague political conspiracies anyways. The people who believe them are nuts, and that is why Rubicon failed. Also because it moved too slow to keep up with on a weekly basis.

Anyways. This was vague, but I really wasn’t interested in most of it. That would explain why it is a vague review. Doesn’t even get a second picture joke!

1 out of 4.

Gulliver’s Travels

“Whoa whoa whoa,” Says I as I read the back of the cover. “How can this movie be only 85 minutes? To do a good Gulliver’s Travels, you should probably do at least 3 hours, honestly! What is this,” Asks I, “Does he only go to the small people and big people island?”

Ron Hermoine
That’d be like writing the ginger and hotchick out of the Harry Potter movies.

Yes is my response, and yes is the unfortunate truth. And by big people island, he barely does that. This movie isn’t even close to the book, so it’s ridiculous to share the name. Made for kids. Pah. I think they just wanted to have the break out of being tied down scene, which they could do anyways with creative common licenses by now. 12 or so minutes was wasted getting to the island, and then the rest of the movie, just him and the little people.

I liked all the big names down there. Hah. Big Names. Jason Segel played the tallest of the little people. And the evil general (Chris O’Dowd) for most of the film, until treason, I just felt sorry for. It could just be because he was my favorite part of Bridesmaids and did very well here too.

I don’t know what I was expecting. I guess something that actually used some of the source material, not just what anyone would be able to tell me about the movie. There is a lot of interesting stuff there, and they will probably just make a bunch of sequels, doing bad versions of them too. The only reason I am giving it a higher rating than 1 is because I liked the rendition of War. Sounded fake, but watching them all dance in unison with a tall Amanda Peet was awkward and good.

Just please don’t ever try to tell me Jack Black would make a legitimate world traveler/writer ever again.

Tenacious D
Unless he is writing more music and traveling for a band tour. I am fine with that.

2 out of 4.

Transformers: Dark Of The Moon

Right off the back, I can say that Transformers3 was better than Transformer2, but why the heck was it 150 minutes long? Halfway through it I can say I was pretty bored. Here are some things that bugged me. Rosie H-W. What the hell.

They kept taking jabs at Megan Fox the whole movie, it almost seemed like thats the only reason T3 existed, because Bay hates Fox. I mean, his reasoning is correct. She isn’t a good actress. When I heard they were replacing Fox, I thought YES. Bring in an actress who can act, or no love interest at all! Nope. Friggan Rose H-W, giraffe neck and all.

Rosie H-W Giraffe
Seriously, look at that neck.

Bah. So anyways. Similar to the second movie, they do almost repeat a plot point. The “Oh no, Optimus Prime is dead!” one. Also an older once thought dead transformer switches sides. Also, the government wants to control the autobots, not tell Shia anything, and then get screwed over and have to rely on a kid and his car. Also it seemed to me that I couldn’t tell any of the decepticons apart. They were lacking a lot in color. Also, some CGI is bad. In Chicago, when Shia was being flailed on a whip, it looked like they turned him into a cartoon. Also, why are all the decepticon like weird animal robots?

Beast Wars
Although Beast Wars is great, regular Transformers turn into cars/automobiles/gadgets.

That’s a paragraph of bad things!^ Optimus Prime is still a badass. I still couldnt give a damn about any other autobot. I just wanted to see OP be, well, OP. He definitely was in the few fight scenes I got to see.

Also, despite being probably a huge plothole, I think most of the people in Chicago died? If not at least the entirety of the town is pretty much destroyed, which is good for everyone I think. Now they can disperse throughout the Midwest, or all move to Detroit to make that place poppin’. The movie did end on a quick note. I was like. Wait what? 2.5 hours and then bam ending like that? No repercussions? Arent there hundreds of decepticons around the world with beacons still causing havoc? Whatever. At least they didn’t save Chicago.

2 out of 4.

The Time Traveler’s Wife

Awwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww. This movie is a love story, if you couldn’t guess. Probably most movies with Bride or Wife in the title (aside from Chucky?) are love stories. I wasn’t sure what this movie would be about, in terms of science fiction, just knew that the love aspect was the main point. I also knew it was based off a book of the same name, that some of my friends who were girls liked way too much.

Anyways, this stars Rachel McAdams (who likes hockey), and Eric Bana, playing a much better role than he did with Hulk or Hanna. As we all know, H movies are lame anyways. It is important to know that the dude cannot control his time travel a-

Hulk
JUST LIKE HE CAN’T CONTROL THE HULK. OH MAN CONNECTIONS!

-nd he doesn’t just build a machine and just go nuts, it is just the result of a gene condition. They also don’t spend hours of the movie explaining how it all works, but they let it work it out naturally to find the answers. I like that. Science fiction is hard, and if it had a lot of it in it, it would drag away from the story and leave itself up to more scrutiny.

The basics are he travels in the past and future of his own life, meeting the girl of his dreams at a young age. This story is just one timeline of his life, and metaphysically we have to assume it is just an infinite timeline where the past can never be changed. Everything will always happen. Sure free will is gone, but who believes in that anyways? Besides, you know what infinite timelines means? Infinite sex with Rachel McAdams. The first time he meets her when she is a kid, it is super creepy pedophile like though.

Pedo Pedo
“Yeah, when I time travel I am naked. Just a thing. Don’t be afraid.”

3 out of 4.

She’s Out Of My League

Today I watched four movies in one day. So what. I got my work done. Fuck you. Two movies starring Jay Baruchel in a day? Okay that is a legitimate note. But it was an accident. I really didn’t know he was in The Sorcerer’s Apprentice. My bad.

Jay Baruchel
Who would have thought one man could be so diverse?

But hey! That chick. I know her. She was in season 8 of Entourage. She looks much hotter in this, and less British. Interesting fact about the brothers in this movie. I actually thought it was the same dude playing twins for a second. But then I realized they weren’t and that I knew them. The brothers were played by 2 of the 3 male leads in Perfect Couples, a show that I think should have had more episodes. Oh well.

Part of the reason I wanted to watch this was because I remembered Hockey being a big part of it. Just forgot it was Penguins. Whoops. At least it wasn’t the Blackhawks (damn The Dilemma).

In this made up world, it seems people constantly compare their matchups with potential and current dates. Like. Everyone. Constantly. I think people somewhat do that in real life, but not on the ridiculousness of this scale. The family interactions were some of my favorite moments, while the friends humor seemed to fail a bit more. The overly optimistic dude (who was in Mr. Sunshine) was a great character too, but I found the best friend to be too much of a tool, even if he helps save the day. I can’t say I will ever watch it again, because I didn’t find much quotable, but it was enjoyable for the one time view.

2 out of 4.

Get Him To The Greek

I saw the preview of Get Him To The Greek and was like, what? That looks dumb. What is Jonah Hill doing? Russel Brand? He is just acting like he did on Forgetting Sarah Marshall. Can he only do one thing?

Katy Perry
Katy Perry?

Fortunately for my past hating self, this movie turned out to be funnier than that. Sure, a lot of jokes occur just because of drugs and alcohol, making it pretty much a stoner flick. But the “Jeffrey” scene was just way too good. In this movie Brand is still a rocker, and Jonah wants him to replay a concert he did 10 years later (big deal concert) to revitalize his career. Unfortunately with drugs and alcohol, he is really unstable. So getting him back to the greek, is filled with shenanigans.

Puff Daddy in one of his few roles ever, was terrific throughout the movie. Seriously, he was way too fucking funny. His humor could be based entirely on the fact that he is P Diddy, doing humor, and that makes it awesome, and him not actually being funny. Celebrity factor. But ehh, I will put on those shades every time to get those laughs. He played the over the top record executive, and damn it, did it go really well.

P Diddy
This is his “Imma fuck you up” face.

I obviously see now that he is playing the same dude from Forgetting SM, and that makes it kind of like canon. The music that is sang also is pretty decent. Not necessarily completely comedic, but actually going for some sort of listenable sound as well, helps make it believable. No way Elizabeth Moss would actually be with the Jonah Hill in this movie, but I guess we have to believe she has gone insane from long doctor hours. Speaking of insane, the scene with her, Jonah, and P Diddy? What?

3 out of 4.

The Sorcerer’s Apprentice

I didn’t think I’d ever watch The Sorcerer’s Apprentice when it came out. And by never watch, I mean watch eventually, because I watch everything eventually (I hope). All I knew about it is that it had Nick Cage, some dude, some other dude, and had maybe a magic card game reference or two. Realizing it was definitely a Disney movie meant it couldn’t be the level of badassery that I wanted.

Sam L Jackson Spirit
This is the expected level. SLJ in Samurai garb with a ScarJo on the side.

Oh what? The main dude is Jay Baruchel? The Canadian? Well that is cool. I have always been a kind of fan of his since I saw Undeclared, despite now just always playing a sort of awkward nerd. The beginning of this movie was horribly cheesy. To me it looked like no one cared so I figured I’d mock the movie in my head the whole time. Not to mention the first time they are in NYC, it begins in 2000. It scared me, because I thought the main dude was supposed to be at least a teenager, not some kid. But thankfully there was a fight scene soon and then he got older.

What I appreciate out of this film is that there was an attempt to bring science into it. It is not the first movie to say science and magic are similar, but I always seem to prefer that instead of an entirely magical route. After all, who doesnt want the main characters in their movies to always be nerds? The effects in the movie are pretty good, which is another reason I wanted to watch it on Blu-Ray.

The plot falls where a lot of movies fall though. Spend the whole movie trying to lead up to this big encounter with the main character and the meanest super villain ever (not to be confused with the main villain throughout the movie) and the fight doesn’t last that long. I think it would be a lot scary if the big villain in these movies happened earlier, so at least then there isn’t all of this buildup that turns into a, “oh they used a cheap trick somewhat talked about earlier in the movie to win kind of easily after all”. This of course happens a lot. Tis a Cop Out.

Frieza
It is like the opposite of Dragon Ball “bosses”.

2 out of 4.

Hall Pass

What? This movie has nothing to do with school time shenanigans? Oh well.

Hall Monitor
I was hoping for a hilarious romp of avoiding the hall monitor and cutting class with all the cool kids!

Interesting concept. The wives of Jason Sudeikis and Owen Wilson (played by Christina Applegate and Jenna Fischer) give their husbands a week long “Hall Pass” from Marriage. They both go away for 7 days, to let their husbands live alone and do whatever they want. Stay our partying, hit on (or sleep) with other women. Whatever. They were no unfaithful before, but classified as way too horny/cocky whatever, because they think they can still hit the hot stuff if they were still single. So giving them the break allows them to find out they cannot, and hopefully be way more faithful.

I can see how the idea of a hall pass, if not a silly name, could help a relationship. But also could see how it could easily hurt one. The idea that it would always help would just mean that certain people are meant to be together, probably. But I review movies, not provide marriage advice.

Dr. Phil
That would be Dr. Phil.

Most of the humor comes from the fact that these dudes are middle aged and have no game. No one wants to hit that. They will swing and miss a lot. Fun stuff! I did enjoy the first half of the movie. However the ending seemed to be kinda meh for me. Just died down and didn’t really know how to end (which would explain why they went for the ending that they did).

So remember married guys, there is no way your life could have turned out better, especially now that you are old and married.

2 out of 4.

American Loser

Also known by its original name, “Trainwreck: My Life as an Idoit“. Not spelled wrong. This cover had Seann William Scott on the cover, and has this synopsis:

“A dramatic comedy about a self-induced attention-deficit disordered, learning disabled, Tourette’s syndrome suffering, balance impaired, ex-alcoholic young man from the Upper East Side of Manhattan and the gold-digging girl who inspires him to try to get it together.”

WHAT? Did they just want to create a goofy movie where SWS has all these things and the zany things that happen to him?

RIDE THE BEAST
I guess there are easier ways to hit rock bottom.

THIS IS NOT WHAT THE MOVIE IS ABOUT THOUGH. This is a weird movie, I will give you that. A lot of the story is told through SWS narration as he does his sharing at different 12 step meetings. Talks about his life, being sober for 10 years, and all of his problems. Of which he has quite a few. But the story is told through flashback, current events, and how things appear to him. Jeff Nichols, the character in the story, just wants to find something he is good at, maybe writing and being a stand up comic.

Now, maybe I am wrong and SWS is just the loony kind of actor who would be able to pull off the way he does these actions with ease. I will admit while watching it I just assumed it was SWS the whole time. But to get all these antics, to talk the way he does, to make it believable and have him on your side. It just goes very very well. AND HOLY SHIT IT IS A TRUE STORY.

Jeff Nichols is real, has written a self help / autobiography book, and is a stand up comic. The things that happened in this movie are real. And the dude said yes, SWS, that guy has it all right. Holy shit. No I’m not giving the rating of this based off the fact that its real, its that I think it actually took SWS legitimate acting chops to pull it all off.

SWS serious
“I only do serious films, after all.”

3 out of 4.