Author: Admin

Honestly, when I first heard about Valkyrie, I just assumed it was another fictional plot movie about people killing Hitler. But this time, the accents don’t exist, and Tom Cruise wears an eye patch!

AN EYE PATCH GUYS! What! Pirates up in this place, killing Hitler and the Nazis. Sounds wundebar.

Oh, it was a real thing and failed attempt to kill Hitler? Oh okay. My bad, history.

I hope you will accept this crooked hat as a proper assurance of my badness.

Let me tell you know. They don’t succeed in killing Hitler. But you knew that. Hitler killed himself near the end of the war. Not via a plot of some German soldiers!

Movie begins with Tom Cruise looking normal. But thanks to an air strike, he loses an eye and his right hand.

Operation Valkyrie is a plan set in place involving using the reserve army to maintain order during a national emergency. They realize that if they can activate it, it might be a way to pull off a coop and get rid of the Nazi regime in Germany. But the only guy who can pull the button, won’t do a thing with Hitler still alive.

Alright, simple enough, kill Hitler, pull off the operation, end the war from the inside out. Boom!

Bill Nighy, Kenneth Branagh, and Tom Wilkinson are some of the officers involved in doing this stuff. Character names are hard, because they are all german and stuff. Except for Tom Cruise. He is supposed to be German, but talks like Tom Cruise.

A lot of the film is planning and setting up. Because a lot of time was spent in real life too. They do succeed in pulling off Operation Valkyrie, but did they successfully kill off Hitler? Nope. Of course not. So their plan probably won’t work. And it might mean pretty bad things.

Like giving up their rare trading cards!

Movie was a lot better than I imagined. Actually bought this thing about a year ago but just…continued to never watch it. Gotta love that.

I wasn’t bugged by accents of course, but that was a big complaint people had years ago. The attempt was interesting, but not as straightforward as I would have liked. Or as action-y. Not sure why they devoted a whole movie to an act of failure. Successes must be running low, eh?

It was slow at times too, so I think they could have probably cut a lot of the movie out and still told the story correctly. It would have made it a better experience overall for me, at least.

Fast Food Nation is a movie based on a book. Have I read the book? Of course not, reading is for squares.

But clearly with a title like that, it is a movie that you KNOW has a message. The book is just a simple book talking about why fast food is bad, and giving examples and facts. This is a fictionalized story telling tales of individuals involved in the industry, from lowly cashier, to vp, to illegal immigrant workers in the cow killing plants.

And Fes!

Easiest way to describe the movie is a quick sentence on all the plots I guess.

We have a story of illegal immigrants coming from Mexico (and elsewhere), featuring Wilmer Valderrama and Catalina Sandino Moreno as a married couple going up to Colorado. They both go to the meat factory, Wilmer cleaning up the stuff at night with pressure hoses, and Catalina cutting beef, but quickly switching to hotel work.

Greg Kinnear works for the head guys and introduced The Big One, a new item to the fictional food company. It is doing well, but for some reason, the meat has higher fecal counts than other meats in the fast food market, so he has to go to Colorado to find out why. He also deals with Bruce Willis, a high up guy who brought his company and the meat company together. Oh, and Kris Kristofferson as the owner of the cattle ranch where they get the cows, and knows the truth about the factory.

There is also Ashley Johnson, a cashier at the restaurant. She learns about doing something important with her life, from her uncle, and is also kind of smart. She wants to quit her job, thinking it is bad, and become an activist. And also, Avril Lavigne has a small role as hippy lover too! Whats up Avril!?

“Well right now I am miserable, because it is such a damn cold night.”

Sooo, parts of the movie were interesting, sure. The problem? The last half hour.

First off, Greg’s plot line ends with a good 35 minutes to go, but doesn’t really end. They stop showing what happens with him, and he doesn’t really make a decision with what he finds out. Which is annoying.

The eco-terrorism route fails as well, and ends pointlessly. What do they learn? That they probably can’t do jack shit to help cows out. I guess.

About Fes? They had the best story, I guess. I hated what happened, but it also felt like it just didn’t end. The girl does get a job on their kill zone, and they do that more just to show companies killing cows (head things) and slicing their necks post death, blood and guts falling out. I DON’T NEED TO SEE THAT SHIT.

It is gross. I can understand that an animal died (hopefully at least) to enjoy my burger/steak, but I don’t have to watch the butcher work. We are civilized now. I don’t have to hunt myself. They aren’t even implying the cows live in bad conditions necessarily, just seems like the plants for the processing are lame overall.

So it was a movie with a message, and it failed horribly in my mind. Plots that started and went no where (talk about robbing the store? Where’d that go?), and then just a mess at the end. But hey, if there is graphic scenes it will work right?

Smart People is a movie about “smart people”. Titles, straight to the point. I think the point is that normally, smart people in movies tend to be so smart, they tend to be pretty awesome. The real people with problems are the not as smart people. Smart people get to be doctors and save lives, or any number of things. But they usually help the dumb in movies, right?

Smart people may be smart, but are they happy?

And why do they look like hobos?

Dennis Quaid plays a university professor, teacher of some sort of literature and maybe some history too. He is really good knowing his shit, but he isn’t good as people. He is pompous, self centered, and a “misanthrope” (word of the day, bitches!) and can’t remember a single name of anyone he has ever taught. Mostly because he doesn’t give a poop.

And then he has a seizure. Bam, wake up in hospital, and under the care of head er nurse Sarah Jessica Parker. Another former student he can’t remember, who was so scorned by his meanness (despite her also crush) she switched to Bio/pre-med. Because of his seizure, he cannot drive himself for at least the next sixth months. That’s horrible. His daughter, Ellen Page, doesn’t want to drive him, mostly because she is in her final year of high school and freaking out about college.

But (thankfully?) his no good, beatnick, brother in law, Thomas Haden Church also has shown up again, looking for money, and willing to be his driving bitch. Also he has an older son who goes to the college he works at, Ashton Holmes, but who cares about that one. This is the Quaid and Page show!

Because of his wife dying a few years earlier, their home life may have been a mess. Page now cooks most of their dinners (and seems to be good at it). But somehow he goes on dates with SJP and you know what? He is bad at it. An asshole. Eventually with the realization that he is an asshole, he tries to change himself. But yet, still assholish. There is also the other plot with Page being all alone a lot, not friends, and finding (too much) comfort in her uncle, who wants her to have a good time. Damn high schoolers, always falling in love with their uncles.

“I KNOW right!”

One second. Can we talk about how weird it is that Ellen Page keeps having these roles where she is underage and falling for or having older men fall for her? Juno, she is pregnant and attracting older men. In Super, she wants Rainn Wilson‘s character. And don’t even get me started on Hard Candy. For all of these movies (Except for Super) she is underage too.

Creepy.

I like that the movie has a dysfunctional “smart family” for once, and it is a nice change of pace. After about 2-3 minutes into the movie, I had already wanted to punch Quaid in the face. His character is very hatable. It doesn’t really change until the end.

If you are guessing the ending from the description, well, you are wrong. Eat it. Ending was a nice way to end the movie, and not as cliche’d at the same time. After all, these are smart people. They can figure their lives out, right?

Oooh. What is that? Another surprise movie for me. Before last night I had no idea there was ever a movie based off of the Stanford Prison Experiment.

Please read about it. There is a good chance you have heard of it before, but just might not remember it.

But yeah! The Experiment. A modern and fictionalized exaggeration of real events. Go go go!

Hooray science!

In case you are an asshole who doesn’t know about the experiment and didn’t click the link, it was a social experiment done at Stanford. A group of guys were chosen to be inmates, and a group of guys chosen to be prison guards. It was an experiment that was supposed to last 14 days, but lasted only six before the plug had to be pulled. Why? People adapted to their roles super quickly and performed things they didn’t think capable. Forms of tortue, abuse, no physical violecne only mental. Prisoners became complacent and passive and only obeyed orders. It worked way too well.

So yeah, that is happening here too. Adrien Brody is a very passive guy, kind of a hippy, but needs money. So does Forest Whittaker, who lives with his mother. They befriend in the original application process, because in this experiment they are offered $14,000 for fourteen days of work. Of course Forest becomes one of the guards, and Adrien a prisoner.

In his cell, Adrien is bunked with Clifton Collins Jr., a guy who seems to know how to be a prisoner already, and Ethan Cohn, a fat diabetic graphic novelist looking for new material.

The main mean guard (At the start) is played by Cam Gigandet, who quickly takes in his new role. They are given five rules that the prisoners must abide by, and the knowledge that if a prisoner breaks a rule, they must punish them accordingly (non violently). If they don’t within 30 minutes, a red light will flash and the experiment will be over and they will not be paid.

The real question is, how far will this experiment go? How much are humans different than animals, really?

“Mmm. You got a pretty (Shiny) mouth.

Just kidding, those aren’t the real questions. You know how far they go.

I liked that the movie relied not on special effects or any CGI, but just the actors themselves. A lot of them do very good jobs, showing the emotion that both sides go through, and change into their stereotypes.

BUT. It is pretty different from the actual experiment. Films change actuality. But in this case, I think the actuality is a cooler story than the film version. In this movie there was attempted rape, death, and yeah, some physical violence. Also some nice urinating on people stuff. Gross right? That kind of stuff didn’t happen in the real experiment. (Would it have happened over six days? Maybe. Have to wait for an unethical country or Texas to try it again).

Had it made it “realer” in terms of what happened in the 70s, I think it might have been a better movie. The ending also seemed to take away from some things. Was pretty unnecessary.

The Hammer is another example of a movie with a lame cover. You will look at it and think, well nothing, because you will ignore it.

Did you even realize I just posted the picture?

Pegged as a comedy, this movie stars Adam Carolla boxing. That doesn’t make sense in the real world, but lets give it a shot.

Adam is just supposed to be a normal guy. A long time ago he boxed, but never put in that much effort so never really got anywhere. Now he is a carpenter, been one for many years, but he just lost his job. Mostly cause his boss was a dick. So yeah, no job 40 year old with a broken down truck. But maybe he can box a little still?

While working out and sparring, he gets accepted to join a training program that is working on recruiting people for US Olympic boxing for 2008. Lot of tournaments and stuff. But why not take the 40 year old, because he is at least smart, and has at least a powerful punch. Tom Quinn tells him that he thinks he can go far and is going to train him, but is really just using him as a sparring partner for his real talent, Harold House Moore. Afterall, every great boxer had someone there with them to constantly fight and strive to be better than. Tom Quinn thinks he can pretend Adam has a chance, and also pay him nothing at the same time.

Adam also meets Heather Juergensen, a lawyer, in a self defense class he is teaching and they have quite an awkward relationship. ‘Nuff said.

The coach gives up on him, leaving him in the middle of a fight, figuring he’d lose the first round of his first tournament anyways. Using that fuel and feeling like he has done nothing his whole life, he wins all of his matches putting him in the finals with his sparring partner. But who will win their weight class and get a chance to go to the olympics?

“I got punched out by an unruly client.”
“I’ve always said prostitution should be legalized.”
“I’m a lawyer…”

Despite it being a comedy it has a pretty “laid back humor” vibe to it. There are some amusing scenes, but most of it is just a natural story telling movie. Not overly knee slapping humor, but some nice moments. Carolla really feels like the average Joe, more so than Vince Vaughn did. A lot of carpentry jokes I might not have gotten, bu I don’t think it is necessary.

The story is also not that cliche’d. It has a nice happy ending to it, and it doesn’t follow that specific of a path. Hell, the boxing isn’t even the more exciting parts of the movie (until the end of course).

Overall, its okay. But I would have hoped for more humor.

Sometimes film titles tell you what the movie is about. So you’d think A Summer In Genova was about a summer in Genova.

And it is! Hah, tricked you. But it is also about a mom dying.

Annnd sadness.

Colin Firth is a college professor. But in a car accident loses his wife, and he becomes a single parent. His older daughter, Willa Holland, is in her mid teens, and the younger daughter, Perla Haney-Jardine, probably about 10.

So they move to Genova, for a bit. Why not, Italy helps get over mothers. Well, the whole movie Firth is sad. He flirts with a student there, and also another professor, Catherine Keener. The older daughter starts having sex with everyone in Italy, and the young daughter is mostly alone, and sometimes sees the ghost of her mom. Causing another car accident.

Annnd movie.

Annnnd more sadness.

Seriously. That is about it. Them three grieving in different ways I guess. The daughter wanders off a lot, and keeps getting found by the dad. Following a ghost. Causing another car accident was weird. Then it pretty much ended.

I mean, honestly I found it boring. Didn’t really feel that emotion. And thought none of the stories really felt connected and kind of pointless. Made it feel like a documentary. After all, indie-ish, so the cameras weren’t fantastic. Maybe it was secretly just a guide to Genova? Whatever it is, not too good.

Yes. Rubber. The movie about a killer a tire. But is it about something way more than that?

I think so, and maybe this review will surprise you?

Don’t worry. The bird is about to explode, but it is a fake bird.

The beginning will scare away most people. A car is driving down a dirt road, hitting chairs. A cop (Stephen Spinella) gets out of the trunk, and has a nice monologue about “no reason“. Link is to that quote if you want to read it. He is addressing the audience in all of this, making it clear this movie is weird, and also a tribute to “no reason”.

Or is it?!

Camera backs away, and hey look, a group of people he was talking about. Yes, just a group of people, standing in the desert. They are also told they are about to watch a movie, and then stand around with their binoculars, looking for the movie. Eventually a tire gets out of the ground, and rolls around on its own. He crushes some cans along the way, but one can he doesn’t. He just sits in front of it. And bam. It explodes.

A tire becoming both able to move and discovering psychic powers? Amazing! He rolls around a bunch more, and kills a rabbit, and a bird, and eventually finds himself on the road and discovering humans.

This film should sound completely nonsensical, because it is. The audience watching the movie is often shown talking about the events, and play an active role in the movie. The tire seems to fall in love with a girl, Roxane Mesquida, and checks into the hotel. At this point it has been two days and the audience is all starving and bored. Jack Plotnick, the “Accountant” finally gives them food, but it is poisoned.

The cop, now thinking the entire audience is dead tries to end the movie and tells all the other characters to go home. But there is one member left, a guy in a wheel chair, Wings Hauser. So reluctantly, the movie continues, despite the cop just wanting to go home. While also trying to kill off the lone watcher left, so that the movie will also end that way.

They even try to trick the tire with a decoy woman. Full of dynamite.

Are you confused yet? Of course you are. What the hell is this absurd/nonsensical sounding movie?

When I watched it, I felt like it was two stories in one. The obvious story about the tired with psychic powers, killing people. But I felt the story with the audience to be that much more important. Although you can assume the movie has no reason to it, given the (obviously sarcastic) monologue, and thus just a bunch of random events, or you can assume it means something greater.

I didn’t feel I was reaching too hard when I figure that the audience represents the damn audience. Most of them making comments that audience members probably are also thinking at home. By killing them off by 1, that is presumably just everyone giving up on the movie but one guy. If everyone gave up, the movie would be over because no need for an ending if no one watched it. (Tree in woods?) But because there is of course people like wheelchair guy, and me, it goes on, and the ending gets more bizarre and nonsensical.

I could go on. But I feel like the movie is a direct attack on the crap Hollywood has been producing, and getting rid of more creative ideas. The credits scenes are a clear indication of that. Kind of like a warning to Hollywood, that if they keep releasing all the same crap, B movies might take over?

There is so much more you can take away from this movie, but that might make me sound like a crazy person. Because it could also just be a “no reason” movie, and taking Scythian from it is not their intent. I can say that most people who watch this probably wont like it, or stop early.

I sound super snobbish just saying shit like that. I enjoyed it, and liked how different it was. Made me think, in very weird terms, which I loved as well. But hey, give it a chance? You probably won’t like it. But might!

You will walk away disappointed by this review. Mostly because that is the feeling I got when I “walked away form” Assassination Games.

Seriously, gross.

JCVD would do anything for a quick buck. Mostly because he is poor now.

Jean-Claude Van Damme is a killer for hire. He likes making that money. Scott Adkins used to be, but left the killing game once a drug cartel person got back at him and put his wife in a coma. He was mad. But then a contract goes out for the death of the drug cartel guy.

Oh man! One guy wants to kill him for money. The other for revenge. But with corrupt Interpol agents and other stuff in their way, the two assassins must join forces to take down the cartel.

Very exciting action shots!

So uh, if I set this up right, you will have noticed something from the pictures. Something yellow. Films love doing that shit now a days, applying a color tint to everything, to try and set up a certain emotion. The shit that costs them practically nothing more, and is supposed to help set the film a certain way so that they don’t have to spend as much time working up a plot or actually having a set that fits. To me, this yellow shit made the whole film look like a jar of urine. Shitty urine.

I watched the whole movie and found the plot hard to describe, because of how boring/dumb it was. The cinematography was awful, and the acting was barely noticeable. To find the plot you had to swim through the mass amounts of yellow, and you might not care anymore at that point.

I know, this review will make me seem like I hated it because it was yellow. But it was also bad.

Bad and yellow.

Hooray! With the review of The Quiet, I finally get to have at least one review for every letter of the alphabet! To be fair, I thought this movie also came out in 2007. Damn it. I just really didn’t feel like watching The Queen (it is also outside of my range).

Also the stars of this movie are bit more attractive than the star of The Queen.

The movie is told from the point of view of Dot, played by Camilla Belle. Why is she so quiet? Oh because she is deaf/mute. Sucks! She can read lips though. After her dad dies she goes to live with her godparents, Martin Donovan and Edie Falco, and their daughter, Elisha Cuthbert. How handy that they are around the same age!

Well no one cares about Dot at her new school. Cheerleaders make fun of her, including a younger Katy Mixon. Yet somehow, star football player Shawn Ashmore (of course, that is all he did in his roles) develops feelings towards her.

So whats the point of the movie? Oh, just some father/daughter rape plot line. Not just a one time thing, it is implied that it has been happening for years. The mom might know about it, explaining why she is on tons of pills and a zombie (not a real zombie). But what about Dot. Does she have her own secrets? Yes. Yes she does.

Flynn gets uncomfortable when incest is involved.

Turns out people are horrible, dirty things. A lot of people in private love telling Dot their secrets when she can’t read their lips. Feels good to get things off their chest to someone when they cant understand/hear/know you are talking at all. Which is good for creepy monologues.

Lot of comparisons also to Beethoven in this movie, since Dot plays the piano. Kind of weird, but the deepness they tried to convey didn’t really happen.

Overall I was interested in the story. I think the movie went on a bit too long after a big climatic part. Always a drag, when they don’t know how to end a movie really. Took a little bit to actually get going too. Typical high school scenes abundant (a dance, school lunch seating problems, snoddy cheerleaders, a biology lab involving a dissection). Obviously Camilla Belle isn’t also deaf/mute, but she did a good job “not reacting” to things around her based off of noise.

Watch? Not watch? Do what you want. I will note I really thought the cover said Eliza Dushku. I think about 30 minutes in I realized that she wasn’t coming. Whoops.

Caffeine is now my oldest review (outside of Cars, but that was a special occasion. That message NEEDED to be said). But man, 2006? I didn’t know! I assumed it was 2007, I promise.

Don’t freak out. It won’t happen again.

This is a normal food service industry like movie. Except instead of just the workers, there are three groups of tables that also have fleshed out stories throughout the brunch hour. Thankfully it isn’t the whole day of the restaurant. So unrealistic!

The manager (Marsha Thomason) is trying to get a cushy job at a fancy restaurant, but they are coming to see her shop today. So of course she also fires her only cook, because they were dating and he had a threesome with two other girls.

At the same time we have Mena Suvari, with her crazy grandmother to care for, Breckin Meyer, too busy wondering if his existential novel will be published, and Mark Pellegrino (Jacob from Lost), who seems to be the only one really working.

For the tables, we have a group of lawyers, some potheads, a woman who may be a pornstar in secret (Sonya Walger, Penny from Lost) and the wost paired blind date ever, which includes Katherine Heigl. What is best about their stories is that they are actually incorporated with the staff and other customers stories, and all given proper conclusions, in the span of 80some minutes.

Even with those better stories, there are also a few customers there just for one scene.

It is super hard to find images from this movie.

Best movie ever? Far from it. Was it entertaining? Sure!

I didn’t regret or hate watching it. But it does feel short. Some of the story lines weren’t as good as the others, and the ending was predictable. Some also lame joke scenes. If you had to compare this to the humor in something like Waiting…, Waiting… is vastly superior (and older), but doesn’t mean this one is bad. Just means it is okay.

Also, people who aren’t British are doing British accents. I am still okay with this.