Tag: Kiefer Sutherland

Zoolander Zoolander Zoolander!

Fifteen years ish ago, I remember being a young impressionable teenager watching it for the first time. I laughed so much, so long. I quoted it so far for the rest of my life. It is probably one of my favorite comedies of all time and I am always in the mood for it. Hell, I remember putting in the DVD just to watch the Special Features Menu, because it was also hilarious. THE MENU!

The idea of a sequel has been kicked around for a long, long time. And yes, it has been delayed. But in this case, I am glad. If they forced a sequel, it would probably be shit. I expect they waited for a good script. I hope they waited for a good script.

Because it is clear that Dumb and Dumber To wasn’t waiting for the right script. They just got the idea, ran with it, and gave us a pile of shit. Please Zoolander 2, don’t be a pile of shit. Pleaaaase.

Bamblesport Cunnilingus was in it, so it can’t be completely shit!

Fifteen years ago, Derek Zoolander (Ben Stiller) saved the Prime Minister of Malaysia with his Magnum look and changed the world of fashion forever. Mugatu (Will Ferrell), Katinka Ingabogovinanana (Milla Jovovich), and Evil DJ (Justin Theroux) went to jail! But bad stuff started to happen almost immediately.

Without spoilers, Zoolander soon found himself without his wife (Christine Taylor) and son (Cyrus Arnold), with Hansel (Owen Wilson) refusing to speak to him, and a laughing stock again in the world. So he left to become a Hermit, living alone in a cabin on a mountain.

Now, in 2016, he receives an invitation to Rome, by Alexanya Atoz (Kristen Wiig), the new big fashion person. Derek, along with Hansal, are to star in a new campaign and revitalize their careers. Derek wants to do it to get his family back. Hansal wants to do it to run away from his problems, from being part of a family.

Also, a whole bunch of celebrities are being killed. Including Justin Bieber! When they die, they seem to have Zoolander’s classic look on their face. This investigation is being led by Interpol’s Fashion Police division, Valentina (Penelope Cruz).

And featuring Kyle Mooney as a fashion designer, Sting, Kiefer Sutherland and Susan Sarandon as themselves, Fred Armisen as an 11 year old boy, and the return of Billy Zane and Nathan Lee Graham as Todd.

Zoolander’s hands are being played by Jerry Stiller.

Sure enough, Zoolander 2 is not as good as the first film, but in reality that was impossible. Humor was a different beast in the last 90’s and early 2000’s. If they went for a film with the exact same tone, it would most likely feel just dated.

But damn it, this sequel gave me Zoolander and Hansel back, and they are acting like they never went away. These felt like the characters, the movie was true to them, and they didn’t become warped caricatures. Well, maybe a little warped. But not terrible. I believed everything they did and said.

The film had a few unique laugh moments that had me in stitches. They rehash a lot of the old jokes, but it thankfully isn’t a majority of the film like how it felt for Anchorman 2. They come and go, sometimes they stick, some time they don’t. For instance, the Hansel being so hot joke? It was poorly placed and made it completely shit.

I would probably have given this a higher grade, for enjoyability and nostalgia, but the plot is almost incomprehensible. Looking back on it, trying to figure out character actions, none of it seems to make sense. I can’t even tell if Billy Zane is supposed to be a bad guy. It has a large conspiracy element like the first film, but this one is so badly done I can’t imagine how they thought it was a good idea.

And for the most part, the cameos were disappointing. The only two that had a large presence were Bieber and Sutherland. Everyone else was one joke and done, quite a shame.

Overall, you should definitely watch the film if you want more Zoolander. But you might not have to see it in theater.

How am I gonna be an optimist about this?

That is the question I ask myself, heading off to see Pompeii. But first, maybe some back story!

When I was an undergrad, I majored in Geology and History, with a focus on Ancient Rome. Clearly, the perfect crossover for research on both subjects would be in Pompeii, Italy, where Mt. Vesuvius exploded in 79 AD, wiping out an entire city and basically freezing them in place like statues. It is perhaps my FAVORITE historical event ever and I have been waiting forever for a movie version of it.

Unfortunately, Hollywood has churned out a few “historical” tales lately and they have been some of the worst movies I have ever seen. I am looking at you, The Legend Of Hercules! So, no, I don’t know how I will be an optimist about this.

Mr. Eko, why must you die in everything?

Hmm, where do we begin? The rubble or the sins? The sins of course! The rubble is the second half!

Pompeii is a strange movie in that we already know how it ends. Everyone dies right? Huge explosion. It is sort of like a disaster movie, but also a historical film. They have an advantage here too, where they can kind of just tell any story they want to and then end with everyone dying and no one can say they are wrong.

In this story, a Roman Senator, Corvus (Kiefer Sutherland) in 62 AD takes out an entire Celtic village who were showing resistance for a trade route, with his bodyguard Proculus (Sasha Roiz). Well, they missed a kid, who later gets caught my slavers, and 17 years later he is now a really good fighter. He was trained as a gladiator, because why not.

As luck would have it, this Celt, Milo (Kit Harrington) is packaged up from his small time market and sent to the bigger leagues in Pompeii! There a lot of coincidences happen, such as meeting the fair Cassia (Emily Browning), basically a Pompeian princess. Her parents (Jared Harris, Carrie-Anne Moss) want to expand Pompeii with Roman money, so they have to put on a show for a senator, which just so happens to be Corvus.

So, Milo is in the same city with the people who murdered his whole tribe! Too bad he has to also fight Atticus (Adewale Akinnuoye-Agbaje), who is about to earn his freedom if he gets one last victory.

Oh, and of course, while all of the human stuff is happening, Mt. Vesuvius decides to get its boom boom on and explode for a ridiculously long time, causing a lot of destruction. During the climactic finale, the walls kept tumbling down in the city that we learned to love. There were great great clouds that rolled over the hills, bringing darkness from above.

Then a lot of people died.

Oh look, Kiefer is in a movie where shit is going down in less than a day. Huh.

I was left to my own devices to really analyze this movie.

So let’s start with the story! Gladiator redemption is always a nice story to choose, just like in Spartacus and Gladiator. Most of those movies give our heroes a lot more time to work with, in terms of training, and battles, and eventual redemption, so time was the real enemy here given the explosive finale. I think it did a decent job at conveying it all quickly, with the appropriate motivation for most of our main characters. The battle scenes themselves were generally pretty awesome, although some felt a little bit too close to Gladiator.

The effects from the volcano were also decent, not amazing, just decent. During the ending, it became more of a hindrance as there were possibly “too many effects” going on at once, that it all felt choppy and a bit blurry, so that was disappointing.

In terms of acting and dialogue, it kind of went all over the place. A few scenes felt repetitive and the quick love didn’t feel right to me. Sutherland appeared to actually be acting in this movie, so he stood out more than normal playing the pompous jerk.

I think it would have been a sexier movie if they added some other historical relevant material. Maybe a cameo involving the only real story we know associated with this eruption with Pliny the Elder and Pliny the Younger.

Overall, Pompeii didn’t blow me out of the water as much as I hoped it would. I am also grateful that it didn’t poop all over the walls either. I plan on visiting Pompeii in my life, hopefully sometime in the next year. When I get there, I hope I can just close my eyes and have it almost feel like I have been there before. But until then, I can only speculate and use this film as a source for how it might have felt.

Eh. Eh oh. Eh oh.

There is one major reason why “average people” would want to see Melancholia.

I may be off my rocker declaring this, or pompous, not sure. But come on, that has got to be it.

That is why I wanted to see this movie. Not afraid to say that.

This movie is highly rated and an artsy indie movie. But also Kirsten Dunst is super naked in it.

This is not one of those times. But it might as well be.

The movie is split up into two parts and a prologue. The movie begins with Earth getting fucked up and getting hit by a giant planet. Like way bigger than Earth. All the scenes were in super slow motion and confusing me, because I saw the same characters doing different things, when I thought it was supposed to show their last seconds. Nope. The first part is called “Justine” played by Dunst. She is getting married! To Michael (Alexander Skarsgard). They have a big ceremony on a mountain and are late. Limos hate mountains.

It is a weird wedding. Family issues, etc. Dunst is some sort of depressed and her sister, Claire (Charlotte Gainsbourg) is clearly trying to help her out. She is trying super hard to fix it all, but cant. And before her wedding night, she screws some other person and I guess Michael finds out and leaves her. That night. Wooo, take that Kim Kardashian.

The second half is called Claire, for some reason. The planet is getting close to earth, but everyone is saying it will miss the planet. Including Claire’s husband, played by Kiefer Sutherland, an amateur astronomer. But Claire freaks out anyways, and now her sister is living with her, barely able to do anything at all with her depression. She is even looking forward to the collision and hopes it will happen! And we all know it will right? It will miss, but sling shot back around and come fuck everything else up.

“OH FUCK!” – Earth in one collective groan.

Did I spoil it all? Hard to say.

I am kind of mad at the ending. It doesn’t happen at all like the beginning seemed to suggest. Maybe it was a metaphor, the beginning. Or something. I don’t know.

It is a super indie artsy movie and well, maybe it went over my head? If it did I don’t care. It made me not like it. The wedding was all long and sporatic, so I didn’t enjoy watching it. I didn’t understand Dunst’s character. I didn’t even realize her husband was trying to divorce her the same night. Id understand that he was mad since she said she’d be right back before wedding sex, and she took forever. But I don’t see how that is grounds for no longer seeing each other.

Took me awhile to realize what had happened, until it was spelled out for me (yay wikipedia) which I decided to read the first part of the plot summary before the second act.

And uhh yeah. If you want to see Kristen Dunst naked, you have the internet.

Schumacher (or the destroyer of Batman (Yes, Batman can be defeated)) has made a lot of movies. From the “classics” of Lost Boys and St. Elmo’s Fire, to more “Recent” movies I enjoy, like Phone Booth and Phantom of the Opera. So why not try a new movie with him, involving half of the Scream 4 cast.

Anyways! This is slow paced movie, that has a few different plotlines. Majority seem to be upper class white kids in the New York City, with the main character being a very good drug dealer who doesn’t actually do drugs. For the first half of the beginning, it seemed like the introductions were lasting forever, but at least I paid attention to that(Read: it was interesting). After that, the middle, I was kind of bored, as it tried to weave all the stories together.

The ending was pretty good though, as I kept waiting for everything to burst. It took awhile, but when it burst, it burst hard. Acting wise, most of the people were very good and believable in their roles. I think the moral is also “Drugs are bad, mmmkay”, which is a better moral than stop being a lame upper class white kid. The narrator was Kiefer, and it was hard to not imagine him just kind of creepily standing off to the side and saying things. That’s what I imagine him doing in real life anyways.

Or writing it up as one of his memoirs.

Overall, could have been better. Based off of a probably better book. And uhhhh. People may die in this movie. It may be 50 Cent‘s fault