Tag: Jessica Biel

The Tall Man movie looks like your standard horror creepy film. We got a clear bad guy, the movie is named after him, and he is intimidating looking.

Right? After all, here is the IMDB description.

When her child goes missing, a mother looks to unravel the legend of the Tall Man, an entity who allegedly abducts children.

Alright, yeah, some Tall Man thing steals kids. Creepy.

But it turns out this movie is misleading as fuck. So my plot summary is going to have “spoilers” in it. Know that in advance.

Hey, don’t go running away. Spoilers aren’t the end of the world.

Basically we have a small town that used to be big, but the mine closed, and everything died. People be poor, yo. Also, kids go missing a lot, and never found. Rumors of some Tall Man that takes them away in the night.

Julia (Jessica Biel) is a nurse who lost her husband, the towns doctor, a few years prior. So she lives in a big house with her nurse and her little boy. WHOM GETS TAKEN BY A TALL MAN AND TIES UP THE NURSE.

Thankfully Julia chases him down, she ain’t no weak woman yo, crashes the truck, and tries to save her boy, but still fails.

Here is where the spoilers really begin.

The Tall Man is a woman in disguise, who is stealing her son back, because she claims that son is hers, and he was stolen years earlier. What? Biel is the Tall Man? Only kind of. Maybe there is an organization of people who steal kids from poor homes. Because kids from poor homes grow up to be poor themselves most of the time, and live shitty lives. Just a positive feedback cycle of being poor and lame. So they take the kids and bring them to rich homes for people to raise them better and help the world.

Yes, that is what the movie is really about. Like a third of the way into it you find out that the kid isn’t actually hers. Also there is a girl named Jenny (Jodelle Ferland) in it too. She is kind of important.

Well, at least someone is finally thinking of the children.

Long story short, The Tall Man is a social commentary with a bit of Mystery/Thriller, yet advertised as a horror. None of those genres which are normally known for their big stances on certain social issues.

Poor people stay poor, and rich people can succeed. I guess that is true. It is like a question on a dating site that I used. “Should people with low IQs be allowed to breed?” A lot of people feel pompous and say no, and fuck that. I think they should be able to do whatever the hell they want, especially if it is one of the most basic urges out there.

This movie doesn’t say that poor people shouldn’t be able to keep kids if they can’t get out of their poor situation. No, it lives it up in the air for the viewer to discuss afterwards, or something. But since that is what the movie is about? Even with the final words questioning if it is all worth it, I really think it is implying they are doing the right thing.

That is all sorts of fucked up.

For other aspects, the movie uses surprisingly good cameras to film it all, so it looks pretty good on Blu-Ray. In other news, I really hate the movie calls what happens in it a twist. It is only a twist because of how it was advertised, aka incorrectly. That is just misleading, and that pisses me off. It is like they are ashamed of their own movie.

Haha! Ha ha ha! See what I did there? [Future readers will note the posting date].

Because of the really fucking large cast of New Year’s Eve, I decided that all of my tags will not list the actor name in parenthesis like normal, just tag the character. You can see the name if you hover your mouse though. That will make it at least a small mystery, if you don’t care. Maybe fuck with you a bit. After all, something needs to make it more interesting.

Except for Ryan Seacrest. He only plays himself, always and forever. Just like Bloomberg.

YEAH ITS NEW YEAR’S EVE IN NEW YORK CITY. Time to party! Well, maybe. People gotta work, shit is still going down.

Like hospitals! Turns out people still are giving birth. But did you know at this specific NYC hospital, they have decided to give away a $10,000 prize to the couple who birthed the first baby of the new year. One Man/woman couple has been planning this out for months. The other man/woman just found out about it today. Who can push out a baby first? Also, doctors. They are a thing.

The opposite of babies is happening, people are getting old and dying. Like that one old guy. His doctor doesn’t know if he will make it to the new year. He might though, hopefully the daughter will make it in time. But until then, a nurse shall keep him company, despite her own “Date” that night to worry about.

One woman is fed up with the holiday mess. She has a boss who sucks, and wont give her time off despite already promising it. So she quits, and really wants to complete all the resolutions she made last year before the new year. Well, its impossible. But she gets a courier to help her anyways.

The courier’s sister is having problems with her daughter, who really wants to go out to times square for new years. The courier’s friend is jaded about new years, after a bad break up the previous year. He gets stuck on an elevator with an uppity girl, who really needs to get to times square for her job. What job? Back up singer to Jensen, huge celebrity who is performing on the main stage!

Turns out he only agreed to do this job, to get closer to an ex girlfriend of his. She runs a catering business, and demanded that she cater the very fancy party. Pretty sneaky sis. Too bad he also has to deal with very busty fan girls.

One man just watched his last single friend get married. He is the last one! But no worries, he has to go to NYC tonight anyways to do a speech for his work. Good year or something. But last year he met the woman of his dreams, just didn’t get her name. Will she be at the location that she promised to be at a year later? Just who is she?

But lastly, when you think of NYC NYE, you think of the ball drop. Someone has to run that thing, damn it. The woman in charge is on her first year, and is good friends with the head of police too. But there is an issue. The only way to fix it is to call back a fabled old mechanic, who they fired earlier in the year. Whoops. Awkward.

Nothing says a new year, like Ashton Kutcher, right?

I can honestly say that I found basically none of these plot lines that interesting. That seems like a big problem. Unlike Valentine’s Day, which had some storylines that I enjoyed (and still need to review!), this one had nothing for me. Shit, I also have to review New York, I Love You, another similar movie (Except rated R).

The best part of the movie for me is that I got paid $18 to have it. My first copy didn’t work, got it exchanged at Wal-Mart, they messed up the return (Which I pointed out), but laziness occurred, an I profited. Hey, that’d be reason enough to give a 4 out of 4 in my book. More people should give me money to own a movie.

You know what would be a bad idea? Telling you how little I knew about Mr. Hitchcock and the films he has made. Same story as the other famous things, they are just so old, I haven’t got to them yet. But hey, maybe a movie about Hitchcock would actually be better not knowing much about him. I don’t know any silly rumors about his life, I feel like an open book ready to learn!

Holy fuck, look at him! Look at his face! His Hitchface.

Instead of a full biography movie, this one also focuses on a smaller, potentially more significant part of his life, such as the recent Lincoln film. Hitchcock (Anthony Hopkins) was already a wildly successful director, having just released North By Northwest. But he is getting old, shouldn’t he retire by now?

Wait a minute. The entire time I watched this movie, I wondered who the hell was playing Alfred in the movie, because I couldn’t recognize him as anyone famous. ANTHONY HOPKINS. Just so you know, it didn’t sound like Hopkins, nor did it look anything like him (in my eyes). See the picture above. Damn, give them a make-up award, stat.

Anyways, after that movie, he needs a new project, but has run out of ideas. Tired of the same old crap. His wife (Helen Mirren) who has helped him make all of his movies is starting to work on a script with another man! Some lame Whitfield Cook (Danny Huston) fellow. Despite that, and his secretary’s (Toni Collette) best efforts, he has found himself interested in a book called Psycho. Why not have a horror film made by an established great director? Then it might not be complete crap!

Why not also how he may have tortured Janet Leigh (Scarlett Johansson), his main actress or the film, and a former star of his, Vera Miles (Jessica Biel), who had to go and get pregnant/start a family on him. What the hell.

Spoilers? Nope. Psycho ended up being his highest grossing film, and arguably most famous one. Then he died a few years later, after making a few more big ones of course.

We also get a remake of the shower scene! But less gratuitous violence and nudity. After all, acting and shit.

After seeing Hitchcock, I can say that I kind of want to watch Psycho now. And North By Northwest. Maybe Rear Window, but after that I am probably good. The film is most likely littered with tiny references to his various movies and TV series, but not knowing them didn’t get in the way of enjoying the movie.

I already stated how great Hopkins did in the role, but hey, I will do it again. Maybe he overacted and everything was over the top, but I really enjoyed the performance. How close he was to the actual Hitchcock I will never really know. The making of Psycho is actually an interesting one, and learning of his personal problems and obsessions was pretty sexy as well.

Playing For Keeps is a popular phrase, and it happens to be one of my favorites thanks to “Talladega Nights“. Just yelling “I play for keeps!” at someone in an argument makes it all the more exciting somehow. It might also diffuse the argument completely into laughter. Win win right there.

Gerard Butler, fresh off of his last box office bomb Chasing Mavericks is hoping that he can, you know, make a movie that turns a profit for once in the last five years.

Spoilers: This is an even bigger let down.

George Dwyer (Butler) used to be somebody, he used to be a contender. He was a great soccer star in Europe, but got injured and had to leave the game. Some how during that, he also lost his wife (Jessica Biel) and son Lewis (Noah Lomax), moved to Canada to open up a bar and do real estate. Yeah, that makes sense.

But after some time, he lost it all again, and moved to Virginia to reunite with his son! Too bad “the man” has got him down, he owes a lot of money, and can’t get a job. He wants to be a sports caster, and wants his son to love him. So why not become the local AYSO soccer coach? Why not use your accent to bang half the town while trying to chase after your ex-wife before she gets married to some guy named Matt (James Tupper)?

Speaking of housewives, we have one housewife who is lonely (Judy Greer), a housewife who used to be a sports caster (Catherine Zeta-Jones), a housewife who is being cheated on and rich (Uma Thurman), said rich husband who tries to buy his friendship (Dennis Quaid), and the principal from Glee as the owner of his property (Iqbal Theba)!

Basically everyone in this suburban neighborhood is rich and powerful, yet somehow couldn’t get a decent soccer coach til George. Very strange.

He may have banged everyone in this photo. Maybe. Just saying.

Ugh. Ughhh. I feel like every stereotypical thing that may have happened in a RomCom, happened in this movie, and then some more. Ready for some SPOILERS? Well, surprisingly enough, the two do get back together by the end.

By the end, he also will realize his family is more important than his career, although the job he gets in Virginia can’t ever be as well off as his job at ESPN. Changing his life for the better monetarily will have to wait a bit.

He also is still able to let down his kid, mess up his coaching duties, and let everything blow up before he almost convinces his wife to leave her new fiance. Matt. Matt is a useless character. He is in a lot of scenes, but he barely has any lines, has no personality, and is just a waste of space. They really didn’t want you to pay attention to him at all.

Dennis Quaid’s character looked like he would have a heart attack, the entire movie. An interesting direction to take a character, but it was only annoying.

I am also not sure of the audience for this movie. It is rated PG-13, despite looking a lot like a family movie. Why the high rating? Because of Uma Thurman clad in lingerie in his bed, and the other sex scenes involving Judy Greer and Catherine Zeta-Jones. Nothing too graphic, but they do exist.

Playing For Keeps is a formulaic movie that also tries to include things that would appeal to many different groups, which in turn just makes it work for no one.

Total Recall, for people who like movies based off books that also already had another movie based off of said book.

Do you love the old Total Recall? Yes? Then why the heck are you going to watch this film? You know it wont be anything like it, and will just make you mad because you compare the two. I say ignore it. See how this one goes. Then don’t get too pissed off when you realize this one has no trip to Marsin it.

But if we’re lucky, we are in for a mind fuck. Kind of like the recall business.

Douglas Quaid (Colin Farrell) is a factory worker, helping build police drones, in the Britain Empire. After chemical war, there are only really two livable places left, Britain (Which is a lot of Northern Europe), and Australia, now called The Colony. Guess which one is in charge? GUESS. Lead by President Cohaagen (Bryan Cranston) of Britain, times are rough. Hell, Douglas lives in the Colony, but has to tramsute to Britain each day for work with his pal Harry (Bokeem Woodbine).

What? How can they do that daily? Oh haven’t you heard? The Fall is a giant gravity elevator that goes through the earth’s crust and mantle, around the core, to the other side. Don’t ask questions.

So times are rough. There are ways to get over it though, through Rekall. They will implant false memories into your brain to make it all better. People don’t trust it though. Since Douglas has been having strange dreams about a girl, he finally decides to go. Despite the calming voice of John Cho, shit hits the fan when he tries to have secret agent memories. What’s that? Apparently he already has those memories? How can that be?

Either way, shit is weird. Even his wife Lori (Kate Beckinsale) seems to have turn on him! She is a spy for the government? Oh nos! But at least he finally met the mysterious girl, Melina (Jessica Biel) who claims he was kidnapped and had his memories replaced, and he is actually an agent for Matthias (Bill Nighy), a resistance leader wanting the Colony to break out of Britain control.

Oh, or is all this actually just the memory that was implanted in him? That could be true as well.

For “whatever reason”, when you google Total Recall you mostly get these images.

Wooo science and action! And that is about it.

I mean shit. Okay, I know they don’t get to go to Mars. That sucks. Mars is awesome. Curiosity agrees. But you know, all this felt like was a bunch of confusion, with action, and eventually a crazy ending. I have talked before about how too many plot twists can ruin a movie. Once you reach a certain point, you lose interest, and don’t trust the film anymore. I think this movie passes that threshold. Also, if you thought the lens flares were bad in Star Trek, you are going to be pissed off watching this movie.

I mean shit. Besides the obvious, I feel like the science presented in the movie didn’t even stay too consistent. I’m looking at you magnet cars.

Fuck, I can’t even think of more to say. I just thought it was kind of boring and dumb.