I miss Twilight. Twilight made everything easy. I knew what I would do for my Milestone Reviews, and everyone would get why they received the extra attention. It made sense.
I worry a bit, just a little bit, you guys don’t see why these things are a big deal.
So for milestone #850, I knew I had to do Journey To The Center Of The Earth. This 2008 remake was an early use of the 3D craze that hadn’t yet fully formed in American cinema. In fact, it may have been in red/blue 3D, but I can’t confirm that.
But more importantly, I am a graduate student in Geophysics, if you missed that in other reviews. Or you know, you are someone reading this who actually doesn’t know me in person. So examining movies that I know will be very nonscientific is something that I just can’t resist! Especially those about the Earth.
And with that, let’s trash the fuck out of this movie.
Yep, that face is just asking for some movie fucking.
Trevor Anderson (Brendan Fraser), is some sort of Volcanologist. Like a legit one, works at a university, (college?) teaches geology, and has a shitty lab to measure seismology. Only three sensors still work. He is continuing his brother’s work, but he hasn’t been seen in 10 years. Sucks to suck.
Even worse, his lab is going to get shut down and turned into someone else’s lab. Someone higher in the university, someone played by Seth Meyers! Oh no, life sucks!
This photo doesn’t fit anywhere. But hey, good clean family fun is upcoming.
But it is all covered with notes. Huh? Crazy. This must have been his brother’s. Strange strange. Apparently he thought the book was real and a guide to go under the Earth! Where crazy shit is, yo. That’d be surprising. Fuck it, let’s go to Iceland to check it out!
Still not at the part for cool pictures. So here is a big fucking plant.
Turns out they were “Vernians”, people who thought his books were real, all of them, not fiction. Huh. Okay. So that is enough reason for them to go check out a volcano.
“Yep, this is definitely a hole! Trust me, I know holes!” – Trevor
Seriously, he really knows a lot about holes.
But the good news is, the book was right. They found a completely different mini-earth where life is thriving and stuff exists at the center of Earth. Literally, at the center. Wait, they made it to the center? That is like, 4,000 miles down. How fucking far did they fall and not die?
Never fucking mind.
Just stare at the pretty looking mini planet or whatever the fuck is going on here.
They also have to sail across a giant underground ocean to get there, during a storm, with killer giant fish coming at them!
Just thinking about it all is getting me really wet.
They escape, but get to the tube too late. Oh no, water is gone. And no boat!
Thankfully a dinosaur skull can make a boat. And they can crack the wall to bring down a stream of water to the magma, to force them up before the volcano explodes to safety!
Safety? Fuck that.
Evolution worked almost identical to the earth thing. I guess. Just bigger everything else. And glow birds.
Yeah! More movies! But they won’t let Brendan Fraser be in them? That seems fucked up. Who let Josh Hutcherson stay?
The first few scenes in the movie made me realize I wasn’t going to have a good time. Trevor seemed pompous and elitist, with no reason to back it up. He gets lucky and thinks he is the hottest shit ever. He probably works at a community college, not a distinguished University.
Well, hey I don’t care for pompous people. He makes us look bad.
Okay, I am pompous too, but I feel like I deserve it. I run a successful movie review website!
If you have to watch any movie, watch the one from the 1950s. It is actually a lot better and not super fucking meta.
